LIBRARY 

OWVERSI.'YOF 
CALIFORNIA 

SAN  DIEGO 


presented  to  the 
UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
SAN  DIEGO 

by 

Mrs.    Griff ing  Bancroft 


PUBLISHERS'  ANNOUNCEMENT. 


Among  the  many  humorists  of  America,  not  one  is 
better  known,  or  more  readily  a,ccoroecl  a  high  rank 
by  the  public,  than  Henry  W  ^ha,w  (Josh  Billings). 
No  writer  of  the  present  age.  i,  so  universally  quoted 
from  as  he.  His  name  is  familiar  to  every  tongue, 
and  scarcely  a  paper  in  tLe  country  appears  without 
more  or  less  space  devoted  to  the  sayings  of  "Josh 
Billings."  His  ready  pen  seems  adapted  to  all  sub- 
jects, and  he  is  equally  at  home,  whether  writing  on 
the  gravest  or  the  most  trivial  matters. 

PUNGENCY,  BBEVITY,  AND  QUAINTNESS 

seem  to  be  prominent  characteristics  of  his  produc- 
tions, while  a  fountain  of  the  richest  wit  supplies  his 
pen  with  humor,  and  its  waters  sparkle  and  glimmer 
like  diamonds  upon  the  paper,  as  he  traces  thereon 
his  description  of  objects  in  his  undisputably  original 
style.  His  jokes  are  alwaye  clear  and  perceptible, 
and  his  satire,  pointed  and  keen,  invariably  strikes 
home. 

As  laughter  is  conducive  to  health,  and  as  nothing 
is  learned  so  easily  and  remembered  so  tenaciously  as 
that  with  which  something  pleasant  is  connected, 
this  volume  will  prove  doubly  advantageous,  as  it 
consists  of  matter  in  which  wit  and  wisdom  are  so 
equally  mingled,  that  the  reader  will  rise  from  its 
perusal  undecided  whether  he  has  gained  most  by  its 
reading,  bodily  health,  or  general  knowledge. 

Thousands  are  eager  to  place  upon  their  tables  and 
in  their  libraries  a  volume  which  will  be  a  fair  speci- 
men of  the  writings  of  this  great  American  humorist, 
and  the  publishers  of  this  book  take  great  pleasure  in 
being  able  to  offer  them  an  opportunity  to  gratify  so 
laudable  a  desire. 


Jf 


COPYRIGHT,  1876,  BY 
G.  W.  CARLETON  &  CO. 


Josh  Billings. 


Tf 
FRANCIS    S.     STREET,     and     FRANCIS    S.    SMITH, 

[EDITORS  AND  PROPRIETORS 

OF 
"THE      NEW      YORK      WEEKLY."] 

M7  PATBONS  AND  FBIENDS. 

THIS   BOOK 
IS 

DE  DIG  ATED. 

NEW  VORK,  1873.  JOSH  BILLING* 


TABLE   OV  KONTENTS. 


Page. 

1  Kontentment 33 

2  Marriage 36 

3  Fashion's  Prayer    ....  38 

4  The  Bizzy  Body      ....  40 

5  Fastidiousness 42 

6  Love 43 

7  Fear 44 

8  Buty 45 

9  Faith 46 

10  Branes 47 

11  Spring  and  Biles     ....  48 

12  Tight  Boots 50 

13  The  Lam  and  the  Duv     .     .  52 

14  The  Duv 55 

15  The  Old  Bachelor     ....  57 

16  Horns 59 

17  Kissing 62 

18  About  Pharming    ....  65 

19  Questions  and  Answers    .     .  68 

20  Whissling 69 

21  Hotels 72 

22  Laffing   ........  75 

23  Hoss  Sense 7P 

24  Silence 79 

25  Bravery       . 80 

26  Dispatch     .......  81 

27  Pik  out  a  Wife    .                 ,  82 


Page. 
28  Watermellons  ......     83 


29  Pik  out  a  Dog    .. 

30  Pik  out  a  Kat 

31  Lost  Arts 

32  To  Komic  Lekturera 


84 
86 
86 
89 


33  Fashion    ........     92 

34  Fun    .........     93 

35  Fret    .........     94 

36  Fury  .........     94 

37  Fits    .........    95 

38  Fuss  .........    95 

39  Fellow   ........    96 

40  Flunkey  ........    96 

41  Finis  .........    96 

42  Nu  Foundland  and  Tarrier  .     97 

43  The  Rat  Tarrier  .....    99 

44  The  Monkey  ......  100 

45  The  Pissmire  .....     .103 

46  The  Pole  Kat  .    -    .    .    .    .104 

47  The  Weazel    ......  105 

48  Angle  Worms    .....  107 

49  The  Mouse   .......  108 

50  The  Taller  Dog  .....  110 

51  Roosters  ........  113 

52  The  Fox    .......  115 

53  Aunt  and  Grasshopper    .     .118 

54  A  Hen    ........  120 

55  TheGote    .......  124 

7 


Vlll 


TABLE   OV   KONTENTS. 


56  Goose  Talk 126 

57  The  Clam 128 

58  Snails 128 

59  Striped  Snake 129 

60  Babys 130 

61  The  Crab 132 

62  Essa  on  Swine 132 

63  Cat  and  Kangaroo    .     .     .     .133 

64  The  Codfish 136 

65  The  Mackrel 137 

66  The  Pollywogg  ......  137 

67  The  Bullhead 138 

68  Mud  Turkles 139 

69  The  Fly 140 

70  The  Crow '.143 

71  The  Bumble  Bee     ....  144 

72  The  Robbing 145 

73  The   Swallo 146 

74  The  Bat 146 

75  The  Hawk 147 

76  The  Meddo  Mole      ....  148 

77  The  Possum 149 

78  The  Cursid  Musketo    ...   151 

79  The  Hornet 154 

80  The  Rabbit 157 

81  The  Poodle 158 

82  The  Partridge 159 

83  The  Snipe 160 

84  The  Cockroach 160 

85  The  Mule 163 

86  Bed  Bugs 164 

87  The  Flea 165 

88  Not  enny  Sha.nghi  ....  166 

89  The  Aunt 169 

90  The  Adder 172 

91  The  Striped  Snaik  ....  172 

92  The  Blue  Racer 174 

93  The  Blak  Snaik 174 

94  The  Milk  Snaik 175 

95  Raccoon  and  Pettyfogger     .   176 

96  The  Duk 179 

97  The  Turkey 180 

98  The  Hosstritch 181 

99  The  Parrot 182 


100  The  Bobalink  ......  189 

101  The  Eagle 183 

102  Natral  History 183 

103  Kats 186 

104  The  Hum  Bugg  ...         .  18; 

105  The  Bugg  Bear 186 

106  The   Game  Chicken     .     ,     -190 

107  The  Duk 190 

108  Sandy  Hill  Crane     ....  192 

109  The  Rattlesnaix 193 

110  The  Hoop  Snaix     ....  194 

111  The  Anakondy 195 

112  The  Garter  Snaix    .    .     .     .195 

113  The  Eel  Snaix 196 

114  See  Sarpent  Suaix   .    ,     .     .  19C 

115  Kopper-hed  Snaix   ....  197 

116  The  Blujay     .......  19t 

117  The  Quail 199 

118  The  Partridge 199 

119  The  Woodkok    ...     .    .  200 

120  The  Guina  Hen   .     .    .     .     .  200 

121  The  Goslin      ...         .     .  201 

122  The  Grub 202 

123  The  Lady  Bug 204 

124  The  Tree  Tud 204 

125  The  Porknpine 204 

126  Devils  Darning  Needle     .     .  205 

127  Ramrods 20G 

128  Lobstir  Sallad      .....  209 

129  Mollassis  Kandy 211 

130  Puddin  &  Milk 215 

131  Plum  Pits 217 

132  Chips 221 

133  Koarse  Shot 223 

134  Slips  of  the  Pc-n 226 

135  Glass  Dimonds 228 

136  Jews  Harps 231 

137  Tadpoles 233 

138  Pepper  Pods 237 

139  Hooks  &  Eyes 240 

140  Jaw  Bones 244 

141  Ods  and  Ens 245 

142  Fust  Impresuns 249 

143  Plum  Pits  .     ,     ,     ,  .25? 


TABLE    OV    KOMTENTS. 


144  Gnats 255 

145  Kindling  Wood 256 

146  Phish  Bawls 260 

147  Stray  Children    ...         .264 

148  luk  Brats 269 

149  Lightning  Bugs 272 

150  Parboils 275 

151  Nest  Eggs 277 

3J2  Chicken  Feed 280 

153  Hard  Tack 283 

154  Sollum  Thoughts    ....  286 

155  Ink  Lings 288 

156  Embers  on  the  Hearth     .     .  292 

157  Hot  Korn 291 

158  Foundlings 298 

159  Drk-d  Fruit 300 

160  Remnants 301 

161  Remarks 303 

162  Saws 306 

163  Remarks 309 

164  Nosegays 311 

165  Shooting  Stars 316 

166  The  Interviewer 320 

167  The  Musk  Rat 322 

168  The  Mink 323 

109  Distrikt  Schoolmaster      .     .  324 

170  The  Pompous  Man .     .     .     .326 

171  The  One  Idea  Man  .     .     .     .  327 

172  The  Happy  Man      .     .     .     .327 

173  The  Henpecked  Man   .     .     .328 

174  The  Officious  Man  ....  328 

175  ThePhunny  Man   .     .     .     .  329 

176  The  Cheeky  Man     .     .     .     .329 

177  The  Live  Man 330 

178  The  Faultfinder 331 

179  The  Border  Indjun  ....  332 

180  The  Cunning  Man  ....  336 

181  The  Loafer 341 

182  The  Projector 342 

183  TheKondem  Phool      .     .     .  343 

184  The  Obtuse  Man      ....  345 

185  ThePositiffMan     .    .    .     .  346 

186  The  Crosa  Man 347 

187  The  Pashunt  Man  .  .  347 


188 
189 
190 
191 
192 
193 
194 
195 
196 
197 
11)8 
199 
200 
201 
202 
203 
204 
205 
206 
207 
208 
209 
210 
211 
212 
213 
214 
215 
210 
217 
218 
219 
220 
221 
222 
223 
224 
225 
226 
227 
228 
229 
230 
231 


The  Funny  Man  .  .  ,  ,  847 
The  Honest  Man  ....  848 
The  Square  Man  ....  348 
The  Oblong  Man  .  .  .349 
The  Perpindiklar  Man  .  350 
The  Limber  Man  .  .  3dC 

The  Jolly  Man    ...  35d 

The  Pewter  Man  .  .  .351 
The  Fiteing  Man  .  .  .351 
The  Precise  Man  .  .  352 

Coquette  and  Prude     .  353 

The  Effeminate  Man  .  .  356 
The  Jealous  Man  ....  357 
The  Anonymous  Man  .  .  .  357 

The  Stiff  Man 357 

The  Model  Man  .  .  358 


The  Neat  Person  . 
John  Bascoinb  .  . 
Elizibeth  Meachem . 
Good  Rezolushuns  . 
My  Fust  Gong  .  . 
Korn  . 


.  359 
.  361 
.  364 
.  366 
.  369 
.  370 

Advertizement 372 

Tew  Lectur  Kommitiys  .  .  373 
Letter  to  Fanners  ....  376 
A  Tempranse  Klub  ...  377 
The  Proverbial  Pig  ...  380 
Sowing  Sosiety  Address  ..  .  381 

The  Fust  Baby 383 

Billings  under  Oath     ...  383 

At  Niagr*  Falls 386 

Negro  and  Trout  ....  390 
Dandy  and  Thimble  Rigger  393 

Long  Branch 396 

Billiards 400 

Habits  of  Grate  Men  .  .  .401 
Insures  his  Life 403 


Tew  pick  out  a  Hoss  . 
Agrikultural  Hoss  Trot 

Oats 

Pashunce  of  Job  .  . 
The  Game  of  Yewker  . 
Beer  . 


404 
407 
409 
413 
415 
416 
Laughing .  418 


TABLE    0V    KONTENTS. 


232  The  Advent  No.  2 .     .    .     .  419 

233  Questions  and  Answers   .     .  422 

234  Saratoga  and  Lake  George  .  424 

235  Sum  Vegetable  History  .     .  428 

236  New  Ashf ord 428 

237  Bends 432 

238  Koliding 434 

239  At  Short  Range 438 

240  Beau  Bennett 440 

241  To  Male  Young  Men  ...  442 

242  Female  Remarks    ....  445 

243  Private  Opinyuns  ....  447 

244  On  Courting 451 

245  Nuzepaper  Tailings    .     .     .  452 

246  Mounts  a  Velocipede  .     .     .  456 

247  The  Rase  Koarse    ....  458 
848  Billings  Lexicon    .     .          .462 


249  Owly 468 

250  Pordunk  Village    ...        468 

251  4  Letters 472 

252  Settles  with  Correspondents  475 

253  A  Loose  Epistle 477 

254  Short  Replys 480 

255  Wimmins  Rights    ....  483 

256  Dog  Talk 487 

258  Short  but  Sweet    ....  490 

:  259  Josh  Replies 494 

260  Hair  Oil  Man 497 

261  The  Gassy  Man 500 

262  The  Sharp  Man 501 

263  The  Lazy  Man 502 

264  The  Nervous  Man  .     .     .     .502 

265  The  Dignified  Man.     ...  503 

266  The  Weak  Man .  .  604 


VOX 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


Page. 

1  STEEL  PORTRAIT   ....  l 

2  DARWIN  &  WHISKEY  ...  1 1 

3  ESSAYS 33 

4  PERFECTLY  SATISFIED    .    .  34 

5  FASHUNS  PRAYER  ....  40 

6  FASTIDIOUSNESS     ....  43 

7  BILES 50 

8  THE  LAM  &  Duv    ....  54 

9  IN  A  HORN 60 

10  CONNUBIAL  BLISS  ....    64 

11  HORACE  GREELEY  ....    65 

12  WHISSLLNG 70 

13  AN  ORATION 78 

14  ESOPS  JACKASS 83 

15  COMIK  LEKTURE    ....    90 

16  Fuss  &  FEATHERS  ....    93 

17  ANIMATED  NATUR  ....    97 

18  A  NEWFOUNDLAND  DOG  .    .    98 

19  THE  POLE  KAT 104 

20  A  TALLER  DOG Ill 

21  A  SLY  Fox 117 

22  A  PHOOL  OF  A  HEN     .    .    .123 

23  GOOSE  TALK 127 

24  SPICE  BOX 129 

25  CAT  AND  KANGAROO  .    .    .  134 

26  ANNIMATED  NATUR    .    .    .136 

11 


27  THE  FLY   .......  140 

28  A  NIGHTMARE 145 

29  THE  MUSKETO    .  .     .  152 

30  THE  RABBIT 157 

31  THE  MULE 163 

32  THE  SHANGHI    .    .     .    .    .167 

33  SNAIX 173 

34  PUBLIK  INSTITUTIONS     .    .  174 

35  FEATHERED  ONES  ....  179 
86  KATS 186 

37  THE  GAME  CHICKEN  .    .    .190 

38  MORE  SNAIX 194 

39  THE  BLUJAY 193 

40  VERMIN 203 

41  AFFURISMS 206 

42  RAMRODS 207 

43  MOLASIS  KANDY     .    <        .  212 

44  CHRISTMAS  PIE 218 

45  KOARSE  SHOT 223 

46  GLASS  DIMONDS 229 

47  TADPOLES 234 

48  HOOKS  &  EYES 241 

49  A  MTSICAT,  DUETT.    .    .    .244 

50  ODDS  &  ENDS 246 

51  FIRST  IMPRESSIONS    .    .    .  249 

52  VOTING  .  .  263 


XI 


LIST   OF    ILLUSTKATJONB. 


Page. 

53  THE  WORLD  ON  FIBE     .     .  257 

54  STRAY  CHILDREN  ....  264 

55  LIGHTNING  BUGS    ....  272 

56  NEST  EGG& 278 

58  HAUD  TACK 284 

59  INK-LINGS 289 

GO  HOT  KORN 295 

01  REMNANTS 302 

62  SAWS 306 

63  NOSEGAYS 312 

64  SHOOTING  STABS    ....  317 

66  THE  INTERVIEWER    .     .    .  321 

67  THE  YANKEE 327 

68  SPINSTERS 332 

69  INJUNS 335 

70  FREQUENT  KRITTEBS.    .    .  341 

71  PECULIAR  ONES 349 

72  COQUET  &  PRUDE,     .     .     .  354 

73  THE  NEAT  PERSON.     .    .    .  360 

74  JOHN  BASCOMB 362 

76  GOOD  REZOL.USHUNS   .    .    .  367 

77  KORNS 371 

78  LEKTUK  COMMITTEES.    .     .  374 

79  TEMPERANCE  KLUB    .     •    .  378 

80  PORDUNK  SOWING  SOCIETY.  382 

81  A  BOOKEEPER 384 

82  TAKES  A  DRINK 392 

63  AT  LONG  BRANCH  .  .  897 


84  GRATE  MEN 401 

86  THE  Hoss 405 

87  A  HOSS-LAFP 41f 

88  Mi  WASHERWOMAN    .    .     .  414 

89  BEER  ........  417 

90  SCIENCE 420 

91  LONG  BRANCH 425 

92  TADPOLES 431 

93  TEW  LATE 435 

95  SKATING  AKCIDENT  .    .    .  437 

96  AT  PRAYERS 441 

97  TEW  MUTCH  WHISKEY   .    .  443 

98  PRIVATE  OPINIONS    .     .     .  448 

99  LATEST  NEWS 453 

100  THE  RACES 459 

101  SPINNING  YARNS  .  .  466 

i 

j  102  PORDUNK  CHURCHYARD.     .  469 

103  To  CORRESPONDENTS     .     .  472 

:  104  LETTERBOXES.     .     .    .       473 

105  Hiz  WASHERWOMAN  .     .     .  478 

106  WIMMINS  RONGS    ....  483 

107  MEETING  A  BEAR  ....  488 

108  AMONG  BEASTS 490 

109  HOTEL  PORTER     ...     .494 
113  A  DOMESTIK  SCENE  .     .    .  498 

!  124  DEMOCRATIC  ORATOB    .    .  500 
129  SUICIDE  .  504 


BIOGRAPHICAL    INTRODUCTION, 


ADAPTED   FBOM   THE   LONDON   EDITION. 


IN  the  United  States  of  America  a  "  show  "  is  the 
generic  name  comprising  every  description  of  enter- 
tainment, being  equally  applied  to  an  equestrian  per- 
formance, a  dramatic  company,  an  operatic  concert,  a 
political  oration,  or  a  lecture  on  the  geology  of  the 
oil  district  of  Pennsylvania.  A  few  years  ago,  when 
I  did  not  know  America  quite  so  well  as  I  do  now,  I 
was  asked  by  Mr.  Barnum  to  meet  him  on  a  matter 
of  business  at  his  celebrated  Museum  on  Broadway. 
Every  one  who  has  visited  New  York  and  called  in  at 
that  strangely-jumbled  exhibition,  will  remember  a 
small  room  on  the  first  landing,  with  "  Mr.  Barnum 
—Private "  painted  on  the  door.  I  don't  know 
whether  any  show-case  in  the  Museum  was  as  attrac- 
tive to  the  crowds  of  country  visitors  as  that  little 
room  proved  to  be.  Though  privacy  was  written  on 
the  post,  publicity  was  ever  peeping  in  at  the  door 
Shrewd,  astute,  and  ruse  as  Barnum  is,  none  knew 
better  than  he  that  the  greatest  object  of  interest  is 
the  Museum  was  himself.  Hence  he  arranged  to  have 
his  private  room  immediately  in  front  of  the  public 


JtiV  BIOJrKAPHICAL    LNTRODCCTION. 

staircase,  with  the  door  always  a  little  opeii,  to  pique 
curiosity,  unless  really  important  business  required 
absolute  seclusion.  In  this  room,  or  rather  in  this 
glass-case,  for  its  three  sides  were  of  glass,  like  tho 
cases  containing  the  wax-figures  and  the  stuffed  ani- 
mals, Barnuni  and  I  met.  He  conversed  about  differ 
snt  speculations  he  had  on  hand,  and  various  ideas 
which  he  wished  to  carry  out  Some  of  them  were 
very  characteristic  of  the  man  and  his  spirit  of  enter- 
prise. One,  was  to  organize  an  expedition  to  the 
mouth  of  Davis's  Straits  at  the  proper  season,  select 
a  very  large  iceberg,  bring  it  down  in  the  tow  of  two 
or  three  steamers  to  New  York  Bay,  put  a  floating 
fence  around  it,  exhibit  the  iceberg  at  twenty-five 
cents  admission,  and  realize  a  large  profit  by  making 
and  vending  sherry  cobblers  with  ice  from  the  real 
iceberg  !  Another  idea  suggested  by  the  man  of 
many  shows  was  to  get  the  American  Minister  at  the 
Court  of  Constantinople  to  apply  to  the  Sultan  for  a 
firman  to  permit  Barnum  or  his  agent  to  visit  the 
mosque  at  Hebron,  traditionally  asserted  to  be  built 
over  the  Cave  of  Machpelah,  in  which  the  remains  of 
the  patriarchs  were  buried.  "  If  we  could  only  get 
the  remains  of  Abraham  and  bring  them  to  New 
York ! "  exclaimed  the  deus  ex  maohind  of  the 
Museum,  rubbing  his  hands  with  delight  at  the  in- 
genuity of  the  thought.  Then,  after  a  moment's  re- 
flection, and  knowing  me  to  be  well  acquainted  with 
England,  he  remaiked,  inquiringly,  "What  do  you 
think  of  Spurgeon  for  a  show?  Could  he  be  got 
over  here  2 "  To  me  unused  as  I  then  was  to  A  men 


BIOGRAPHICAL   INTBODtTCTION. 


can  manners,  the  association  of  a  clergyman  with 
Bartlemy  Fair  and  Barnum's  Museum  seemed  ludi 
rrously  incongruous.  Subsequently  my  experience 
taught  me  to  believe  that  some  of  the  preachers  of 
the  United  States  look  at  their  position  from  th( 
same  point  of  view  as  did  Mr.  Barnum  in  wishing  to 
speculate  in  Spurgeon. 

A  "  showman,''  as  well  as  an  author,  Josh  Billings 
is  now  regarded  in  the  cities  of  the  Union.  In 
England  we  would  style  him  a  facetious  lecturer, 
but  the  lecturing  business  in  America  is  carried  out 
with  all  the  arts,  formulae  and  appurtenances  of 
showmanship.  There  are  the  large  posters,  the  puff 
advertisements,  the  agent  in  advance,  and  the  litho- 
graphs plain  or  colored,  all  brought  into  requisition. 
It  is  quite  true  that  if  Charles  Dickens  visited  Man- 
chester or  Birmingham  to  read  "  Doctor  Marigold  " 
or  "  The  Christmas  Carol,"  he  also  had  his  agent  and 
his  yellow  window-bills  with  the  black  and  red  print- 
ing ;  but  the  window-bill  is  limited  to  a  size  and  is 
printed  in  a  style  fitting  to  the  superior  class  of  en- 
tertainment ;  while,  in  America,  the  posters  of  the 
popular  lecturer  are  as  showy  and  as  exciting  as 
those  of  Van  Amburgh  with  his  wild  beasts,  or  the 
Haul  on  Brothers  with  their  feats  on  the  trapeze. 
Quaintness,  however,  is  an  essential  requisite  in  the 
placard  of  the  facetious  lecturer.  Artemus  Ward 
ased  to  announce  in  large  letters  on  the  walls  that  he 
would  "  Speak  a  Piece  "  at  a  certain  place  and  on  a 
certain  date.  Josh  Billings  announces  in  a  still 
more  mystic  manner,  strorgly  reminding1  the  observer 


XVI  UK  GRAPHICAL,    INTBOntTOTlON. 

of  Ruskin's  bizarre,  grotesque,  enigmatical  titles.     ] 
have   before  me,  as  T  write,  a  printed   notice  whicb 

reads  thus : — 

• 

"ALLYN    HALL,   HARTFORD. 

JOSH  BILLINGS, 

On  the  7th, 

WITH  ins 

HOBBY  HORSE." 

The  reader  who  is  anxious  to  know  what  Josh  kil- 
lings means  by  an.  advertisement  so  eccentric  in  its 
character  can  have  his  curiosity  satisfied  by  turning 
to  page  404  of  this  work.  The  chapter  is  headed 
"  How  to  pick  out  a  good  Horse,"  and  the  caption  is 
assuredly  none  the  more  inappropriate  or  infelicitous 
than  are  the  titular  conundrums  of  the  "  Seven  Lamps 
of  Architecture,"  "  Unto  this  Last,"  or  "  A  Crown  of 
Wild  Olives."  John  Ruskin  and  Josh  Billings 
understand  with  equal  clearness  the  value  of  a  title 
which  shall  arrest  attention  by  not  being  too  easy  of 
comprehension. 

I  first  heard  of  Josh  Billings  several  years  ago 
when  crossing  the  Isthmus  of  Panama  by  that  re- 
markable railway  which  connects  the  Atlantic  and 
Pacific  oceans.  When  N  inez  de  Bilboa  in  the  olden 
time  had  his  first  peep  of  the  Pacific,  and  beheld  the 
ocean  which  no  European  had  before  seen,  from  an 
eminence  which  is  now  a  station  of  the  railway,  he 
little  thought  that  in  a  few  centuries  hence  tht  etearu 


BIOGRAPHICAL   IN  CKODUOTION.  J  TU 

engine  would  haul  thousands  upon  thousands  oi 
Christians  up  to  the  same  summit,  and  allow  them  to 
enjoy  the  same  sight  at  so  many  American  dollars 
each.  Terribly  prosaic  is  this  earth  becoming  !  And, 
despite  Schiller  and  Coleridge,  it  is  scarcely  Jupiter 
who  "  brings  whate'er  is  good,"  or  Venus  "  who  brings 
everything  that's  fair."  A  locomotive  or  a  steamboat 
will  bi  ing  or  take  you  to  both  ;  and  a  railway  it  was 
which  brought  me  to  know  of  Josh  Billings.  The 
incident  was  simply  this  : 

Midway  on  the  Panama  railway  there  is  a  station 
at  which  travellers  alight  while  the  engineer  looks 
after  his  supply  of  wood  and  water.  A  beautifully 
picturesque  station  it  is,  looking  from  it  along  the 
toad  which  you  have  come,  or  adown  that  portion  of 
the  railway  track  which  you  have  to  go — a  luxuriance 
of  tropical  vegetation  meets  the  eye,  overpowering 
the  mind  with  the  wild  profusion  of  its  beauty. 
Nature  seems  to  revel  in  a  wealth  of  verdure.  Palms, 
bananas,  and  trees  innumerable  of  every  graceful  form 
tower  upwards  to  the  unclouded  sky,  or  arch  over  the 
flower-garnished  earth.  The  trunk  of  each  is  invisi- 
ble ;  for  creeping  plants  of  the  most  delicate  growth 
entwine  around  the  wood,  hang  in  loops  from  the 
boughs,  connect  tree  to  tree  with  a  lace- work  of  ex- 
juisite  elegance  and  sun-dyed  brilliancy,  and  sway  in 
wreaths  of  natural  arabesque  to  and  fro  in  the  fra- 
grant, moist,  and  enervating  air.  The  station  lies 
back  from  the  road,  and,  if  L  remember  rightly,  is 
thatched  with  palm  leaves.  As  I  alighted  at  it, 
groups  of  native  New-Grenadiane  clusters  \  around 


XV111  BIOGRAPHICAL    INTRODUCTION. 

me,  the  younger  ones  being  ali-iost  in  a  state  oJ 
uudity.  Some  offered  me  oranges,  some  h ananas, 
some  milk  in  a  green-glass  bottle,  and  one  of  then) 
wished  me  to  buy  a  monkey.  Pushing  through  them, 
I  made  my  way  for  the  station,  the  sultry  atmosphere 
having  rendered  me  languid  and  a  gentle  stimulus 
being  desirable.  I  expected  to  find  the  refreshment 
department  in  the  care  of  a  native,  or,  at  any  rate,  of 
a  Spaniard ;  but  the  ubiquitous  Yankee  was  master 
of  the  premises,  and  a  forlorn  ague-stricken,  quinine- 
and-calomel-looking  master  he  seemed  to  be.  His 
whiskey  was  something  not  to  be  forgotten  ;  nor  were 
his  dogs,  half  a  dozen  of  which  were  running  about 
the  place,  the  greatest  burlesques  of  the  race  canine  I 
had  hitherto  seen.  They  were  all  lean,  hungry,  and 
wolfish-eyed.  Their  tails  drooped  mournfully,  as  if 
the  seething  heat  had  melted  the  sinews  and  softened 
the  bones ;  they  whined  peevishly,  but  bark  there 
was  none — their  owner  required  it  all  to  keep  the 
ague  away.  I  had  drunk  my  whiskey,  become  Chris- 
tian in  my  feelings,  and  was  silently  pitying  the 
poor  animals,  when  the  proprietor  of  the  miserable 
dog-flesh,  stationing  himself  beside  me,  and  placing 
his  hands  on  his  hips,  sententiously  observed,— 

"Them  critturs  are  the  pride  of  the  Isthmus, 
They're  a  pair  of  the  most  elegant  puppies  in  this 
State.  Nary  one  of  'em  would  flunk  out  before  any 

•log." 

"  They  look  very  cowardly  about  the  tail,"  I  re 
marked. 

"That's  the  way  of  dogs'  tails  on  the  Isthmus,' 

j  o 


BIOGRAT  BTOAL   rNTRODUOTIOA. 


waa  his  response.     "  Do  you  know  what  fosh  JSil 
lings  says  about  dogs'  tails  ?  " 

I  frankly  confessed  that  I  did  not  ;  adding,  that  I 
was  profoundly  ignorant  of  Josh  Billings,  and  pleas- 
antly intimating  that  I  supposed  him  to  he  one  of  the 
guards  on  the  line. 

"  1  guess  you  haven't  read  the  papers  lately,"  con- 
tinued my  new  acquaintance,  as  though  pitying  mj 
ignorance.  "  Josh  Billing*  knows  that  there  are  some 
dogs'  tails  which  can't  be  got  to  curl  no  ways,  and 
some  which  will,  and  you  can't  stop  'em.  He  says, 
that  if  you  bathe  a  curly-tailed  dog's  tail  in  oil  and 
bind  it  in  splints,  you  cannot  get  the  crook  out  of  it  ; 
and  Josh,  who  says  a  sight  of  .good  things,  says  that 
a  man's  way  of  thinking  is  the  crook  in  the  dog's  tail, 
and  can't  be  got  out,  and  that  every  one  should  be  al- 
lowed to  wag  his  own  peculiarity  in  peace." 

That  my  Yankee  acquaintance  was  partial  to  Josh 
Billings,  and  that  anything  which  related  to  dogs 
was  congenial  with  his  tastes,  I  furthermore  ascer- 
tained by  noticing  two  scraps  of  paper  posted  on  the 
rough  wall  of  his  cabin.  I  copied  both.  One  was 
in  prose  and  the  other  in  rhyme.  Here  is  the  prose 
one  :  — 

DOGS. 

"  Dogs  are  not  vagabones  bi  choise  and  luv  tew  be- 
long tu  sumbody.  This  fac  endears  them  tew  us,  and 
i  have  alwas  rated  the  dog  az  about  the  seventh  cusin 
tew  the  human  specious.  Tha  kant  talk  but  tha  can 
lik  yure  hand  ;  this  shows  that  their  hearts  iz  in  the 
plase  where  other  folks'  tungs  is.  —  Josh  killings" 


MOGRAPmCAL 


Thus  it  was  that  I  first  heard  of  Josh  Billings,  L. 
fclie  course  of  my  voyage  from  Aspinwall  to  Ne~w 
York,  while  seated  on  the  deck  of  the  steamer,  listen- 
ing to  the  drolleries  of  a  group  of  very  convivial  pas- 
sengers, and  gliding  along  the  coast  of  Cuba  in  the 
brightness,  sheen,  and  splendor  of  a  tropical  night,  I 
heard  many  of  his  best  things  recited,  and  his  name 
frequently  quoted  as  that  of  one  who  had  already 
taken  his  place  in  American  literature.  Oliver  Wen 
dell  Holmes  I  had  known  for  years,  Artemus  Ward 
was  a  household  name  in  California,  James  Russell 
Lowell  had  become  a  familiar  acquaintance  through 
the  "  Biglow  Papers  ;  "  but  who  was  Josh  Billings  ? 
I  asked  my  compagnons  de  voyage,  but  all  they  knew 
of  him  was  that  he  was  a  very  clever  fellow  who  had 
written  some  very  clever  things.  Whether  he  lived 
in  New  York  State,  Pennsylvania,  Vermont,  or  Mis- 
souri, no  one  could  tell  me,  nor  could  I  get  any  satis- 
factory information  as  to  the  journal  in  which  his 
articles  had  first  appeared,  what  his  antecedents  were, 
or  whether  the  name  attached  to  his  writings  was 
that  of  his  parentage  and  christening,  or  merely  a 
whimsical  nonwtie  de  plwme. 

Long  after  my  arrival  in  New  York  the  mystery 
remained  unsolved.  I  applied  to  literary  friends  for 
its  solution,  but  all  they  seemed  to  know  was  that 
various  smart  things  had  run  the  round  of  the  papers 
with  the  signature  of  "Josh  Billings"  to  them, 
but  in  what  paper  they  had  originated  or  by  whom 
they  were  written  none  could  give  me  information, 
My  friend  George  Arnold,  a  well-known  wit  of 


BIOGRAPHICAL,  LNTEODUCTION.  XX. 

che  New  York  Leader,  knew  of  my  anxiety.  Meet 
ing  me  one  day  at  Crook  and  Duff's  Restaurant, 
the  mid -day  rallying  point  of  most  of  the  geivial 
spirits  of  New  York,  he  drew  me  aside  and  gravely 
asked— 

"  Have  you  found  out  yet  who  Josh  Billings  ie  ? w 

"  I  have  not,"  I  answered.     "  Do  you  know  ?  " 

"  Yes ;  but  keep  it  dark.  Only  five  of  his  fri<  nds 
have  been  let  into  the  secret  It  would  not  do  to  let 
the  world  know.  His  position  would  be  damaged." 

"  Who  is  it  ?  "  I  demanded  eagerly.  "  Is  it  Hosea 
Biglow  under  a  new  name  ? " 

"  No ;  somebody  better  known." 

"  Horace  Greeley  ?  "  I  suggested,  interrogatively. 

"  No.     A  still  greater  man.     Can't  you  guess  ?  " 

"Really,  I  cannot.  Don't  keep  me  in  suspense 
Tell  me.' 

"  The  author  is "  and  my  friend  paused — "  the 

author  of  Josh  Billings  is  none  other  than —  President 
Lincoln !  " 

My  informant  made  the  communication  so  gravely, 
that  for  the  moment  I  believed  it ;  especially  as  some 
few  days  previous,  being  down  in  Washington,  I  had 
occasion  to  know  that  Barney  Williams,  the  actor, 
was  summoned  to  the  White  House  on  a  Sunday 
afternoon,  that  he  spent  some  hours  with  the  Presi 
dent,  and  that  on  his  return  in  the  evening  to  Wil- 
lard's  Hotel  he  assured  me  that  the  President  had 
beaten  him  in  telling  funny  stories,  and  had  said  the 
drollest  things  he  had  heard  for  many  a  day.  That 
my  information  was  nothing  more  than  a  hoax  the 


Sail  BIOGRAPHICAL    INTRODUCTION. 

reader  -will  readily  suppose;  but  I  felt  bound  tc 
u  pass  ifc  on"  to  niy  acquaintances,  with  a  like  injanc 
don  to  secresy,  until  at  length  I  had  the  amusement 
of  hearing  that  it  had  reached  the  ears  of  Mr.  Lincoln, 
who  laughed  heartily. at  the  joke,  and  pleasantly  ob- 
served that  his  shoulders  were  hardly  broad  enough 
to  bear  the  burdens  of  the  State,  without  having  to 
carry  the  sins  of  all  its  wits  and  jesters. 

Time  passed  on  and  business  called  me  to  take  a 
trip  one  day  up  the  Hudson  River  to  the  pleasant 
little  town  of  Poughkeepsie.  What  a  quiet,  charm- 
ing little  town  it  is,  those  who  have  visited  it  can  well 
remember.  I  selected  the  steamer  Armenian  for  my 
trip  up  the  river.  The  Rhine  of  America  never  was 
seen  to  more  advantage  than  it  was  on  that  bright 
summer's  day,  and  Poughkeepsie  never  looked  fairer 
than  as  I  saw  it  from  the  middle  of  the  stream.  I 
landed  at  a  town  on  the  left  bank,  crossed  the  river, 
went  down  to  Poughkeepsie  by  rail,  and  arrived  there 
late  in  the  evening,  I  knew  of  only  two  staple  pro- 
ducts of  the  place,  and  they  were — whiskey  and 
spiritualism.  The  whiskey  I  tasted,  and  the  spiritu- 
alism I  went  in  search  of  in  the  person  of  Andrew 
Jackson  Davis,  the  Swedenborg  of  the  United  States, 
whose  books  on  the  unseen  world  have  been  intro- 
duced to  the  British  public  by  Mr.  Howitt.  A  kindly 
Poughkeepsian  volunteered  to  conduct  me  to  where 
the  great  mysticist  had  lived  ;  but  I  found,  to  my 
disappointment,  that  he  was  then  absent  from  the 
town.  To  console  me  for  my  ill-luck,  in  not  being 
abl*  to  see  so  great  a  celebrity,  my  guide  soothing!} 


BIOGRAPHICAL    IWTKODUCTION. 


observed  that  there  was  another  great  writer  resident 
in  and  belonging  to  Poughkeepsie. 

"  Who  IB  he  ?  "  I  asked 

u  Why,  Josh  Billings  !  "  was  the  reply. 

Eureka  !  I  had  found  him.  I  had  unearthed  my 
game  at  last  and  discovered  my  eremite  in  his  mystic 
seclusion.  I  lost  no  time  in  inquiring  who  Josh  Bil- 
lings was  and  where  he  lived. 

"  His  name  is  Shaw  —  Henry  W.  Shaw.  He's  an 
auctioneer,  and  I'll  show  you  the  way  to  his  house," 
volunteered  my  friendly  guide. 

We  went  to  the  house  ;  but  like  Mr.  Davis,  Mr. 
Shaw  was  not  at  home.  All  that  I  could  then  learn 
about  him  was  that  he  belonged  to  Poughkeepsie, 
that  he  had  been  tlie  Auctioneer  of  the  town  for  many 
years,  that  he  was  by  no  means  a  young  man,  that  his 
address  for  the  general  public  was  "  Box  467  "  at  the 
Post-office,  that  he  was  a  very  business-like  person, 
and  that  he  wrote  articles  for  the  newspapers,  as  well 
as  sold  property  by  auction  and  acted  as  agent  for 
the  transfer  of  real  estate.  The  reader  will  therefore 
fully  comprehend  how  much  Mr.  Shaw  felt  himself 
to  be  in  his  element  while  writing  the  chapter  headed 
"  Advertizement,"  in  which  he  offers 

"To  sell  for  eighteen  hundred  and  thirty  -nine  dol 
lars  a  pallas,  a  sweet  and  pensive  retirement,  lokated 
on  the  virgin  banks  of  the  Hudson  river,  kontaining 
85  acres.  Walls  ov  primitiff  rock,  laid  in  Ilomau 
cement,  bound  the  estate,  while  upward  and  down 
ward,  the  eye  catches  far  away,  the  magesta  an  1  slow 
grander  ov  the  Hudson.  As  the  young  moon  hangs 


XXIV  BIOGRAPHICAL    INTKODUCTION. 

like  a  cutting  of  silver  from  the  blue  biest  tf  the 
ski,  an  angel  may  be  seen  each  night  dansing  with 
golden  tiptoes  on  the  green.  (N.  B.  The  angel  goe§ 
with  the  place)." 

Better  fortune  led  me  at  last  to  meet  Mr.  Shaw  in 
New  York  City.  We  were  introduced  to  one  another 
at  Artemus  Ward's  Mormon  entertainment  on  Broad- 
way. I  found  a  man  rather  above  the  middle  height, 
sparse  in  build,  sharp  in  features,  his  long  hair  slightly 
turning  gray,  and  his  age  between  forty  and  fifty,  re- 
served in  manner,  a  rustic,  unpolished  demeanor,  and 
looking  more  like  a  country  farmer  than  a  genial  man 
of  letters  or  a  professed  wit  and  a  public  lecturer  on 
playful  subjects.  I  can  vouch  for  his  geniality,  for, 
on  the  evening  of  our  first  meeeting,  we  adjourned 
from  Dodworth  Hall  to  the  St.  Denis  Hotel  opposite, 
and,  in  the  company  of  a  few  friends,  spent  a  mirth- 
ful hour  or  two.  The  night  was  bitter  cold ;  but 
warm  sherry,  excellent  Bourbon,  and  jovial  spirits 
made  the  bleak  wind  which  whistled  up  Broadway 
from  the  Bay,  as  melodious  as  the  music  of  lutes. 

Mr.  Shaw  informed  me  that  he  was  born  in  the 
State  of  Massachusetts,  town  of  Lanesboro,  county 
of  Berkshire,  and  came  from  Puritan  stock.  He  said 
that  his  father  and  grandfather  both  had  been  mem- 
bers of  Congress,  and  each  one  had  left  so  pure  a  po 
litical  record,  that  he  himself  had  never  dared  to 
enter  the  arena  of  politics.  His  first  literary  efforts 
in  the  comic  line  were  published  in  the  country  papers 
of  New  York  State  ;  many  of  them  first  attracted  at 
tention  in  the  columns  of  the  Poughlce&psie  Daily 


BIOGKAl'HICAL    INTRODUCTION. 


Press.  In  America  a  populai  author  has  much  more 
scope  for  gaining  publicity  and  popularity  than  he 
has  in  England.  The  newspapers  of  the  Union 
are  always  ready  to  receive  pithy  paragraphs  from 
clever  men,  and  to  attach  the  authors'  name  to  them. 
The  great  secret  of  the  popularity  of  Artemus  Ward 
and  of  Josh  Billings  is  simply  that  which  the  late 
Albert  Smith  of  England  so  well  understood  years 
ago,  never  to  publish  any  article,  however  trivial  or 
lengthy,  without  the  signature  or  the  initials  of  the 
writer  to  it.  A  smart,  terse,  pungent  paragraph  in- 
serted with  the  author's  real  or  assumed  name  at- 
tached, in  one  of  the  journals  of  the  United  States, 
soon  finds  its  way  from  the  Atlantic  to  the  Pacific, 
and  from  the  Gulf  of  St.  Lawrence  to  the  Gulf  of 
Mexico.  With  comparatively  little  trouble,  except 
to  worry  his  brains  for  comic  ideas — no  slight  trouble, 
nevertheless — the  wit  of  the  Western  world  soon  gains 
notoriety,  if  not  fame.  His  racy  article  of  a  few  lines 
is  copied  into  paper  after  paper,  until  his  name  be- 
comes familiar  in  all  the  cities  of  the  Union.  This 
accomplished,  a  new  field  of  enterprise  opens  up. 
Some  speculative  man  in  New  York  or  Boston  thinks 
what  a  good  and  profitable  enterprise  it  would  be  to 
engage  the  funny  man  whose  printed  jokes  circulate 
everywhere,  engage  to  give  him  so  much  per  month 
for  a  year  or  two,  have  some  large  woodcuts  engraved, 
some  showy  posters  struck  off,  some  smart  advertise- 
ments  written,  halls  taken  throughout  the  country, 
and  the  man  of  many  jokes  made  to  retail  them  all 
over  the  land  at  an  admissior  fee  varying  from  one 


XXVI  BIOGRAPHICAL    INTRODUCTION. 

dollai  down  to  twenty-five  cents.  Only  a  few  years 
ngo  the  business  of  joking  in  public — the  joker  him 
self  appearing  before  the  audience— \vus  pietty  well 
confined  to  the  clown  of  the  circus  and  the  "  middle 
man  "  and  "  end-man  "  of  the  negro  minstrel  troupe 
Things  change  rapidly  across  the  Atlantic,  and  at  the 
present  day  the  clown  in  motley  and  the  minstrel  :.T 
burnt-cork  have  their  vocation  superseded  by  the  face- 
tious lecturer,  dressed  in  evening  costume,  travelling 
with  gaudy  show-bills,  and  having  a  literary  as  well 
as  an  oratorical  reputation.  Not  a  single  writer  on 
'*  Punch  "  or  "  Fun,"  if  he  had  been  trained  in  America 
and  had  written  there,  but  would  have  thrown  the 
desk  aside  for  the  rostrum  long  ago.  Simply  to 
write  is  not  excitement  enough  for  your  ardent  Ameri- 
can, if  he  can  enjoy  the  applause  of  an  audience,  and 
make  dollars  at  the  same  time,  merely  by  being  tiw 
mouthpiece  of  his  own  jokes. 

Bowing  to  the  fate  of  nearly  all  comic  men  in  his 
native  country,  Mr.  Shaw  was  ferreted  out  in  his 
Poughkeepsie  home,  and  urgently  solicited  to  accept 
an  engagement  as  a  public  lecturer  He  tried  the 
experiment  in  the  Athenaeums  and  Lyceums  of  his 
own  State,  and  succeeding,  followed  up  his  new  call- 
ing until  now  he  is  recognized  as  an  established,  legi- 
timate, and  lucrative  "  show,"  having  his  proper  value 
in  the  market,  and  is  assigned  status  on  the  rostrum. 
tie  travels  over  the  United  States  with  his  Lectures, 
entitled,  "Hobby  Horse  " — "  Specimen  Brix"- 
"  Sandwiches  " — "  What  I  Tcno  about  Hotel*  " — etc.. 
and  is  making  money  more  rapidly  than  ever  he  did 


BIOGRAPHICAL    INTRODUCTION. 

with  the  hammer  of  an  auctioneer.  Many  good 
stories  are  told  of  him.  One  is  that  be  ng  in  Wash- 
ington, and  asked  by  a  politician  there  relative  to  his 
opinion  of  Thaddeus  Stevens,  of  Pennsylvania,  who 
opposed  President  Johnson  so  hotly  in  the  Govern- 
ment, and  who  figured  as  a  thoroughly  ultra-radical, 
Mr  Shaw  replied,  "  Give  me  leave  to  recite  a  little 
dream  I  had  last  night.  I  fancied  that  I  was  in  the 
lower  regions,  and  while  engaged  in  conversation 
with  the  proprietor,  an  imp  announced  that  Thad 
Stevens  was  at  the  door  desiring  admission.  Old 
Nick  promptly  and  emphatically  refused  him  en 
trance  on  the  ground  that  he  would  be  continually 
disturbing  the  peace  and  order  of  the  place.  The 
imp  soon  returned,  saying  that  Thaddeus  insisted  on 
coming  in,  declaring  that  he  had  no  other  place  to  go 
to.  After  much  deliberation,  Old  Nick's  face  sud 
denly  brightened  with  a  new  idea,  and  he  exclaimed, 
'  I've  got  it.  Tell  the  Janitor  to  give  him  six  bushels 
of  brimstone  and  a  box  of  matches,  and  let  him  go  and 
dtart  a  little  place  of  his  own.' ' 

Having  described  who  Josh  Billings  is,  it  may  bo. 
fitting  to  add  a  few  words  relative  to  his  writings  and 
their  position  in  the  comic  literature  of  America. 
Fun  is  indigenous  to  the  soil,  it  wells  up  from  the 
Western  prairie,  sparkles  in  the  foam  of  Niagara, 
springs  up  in  the  cotton-fields  of  the  South,  and  oozes 
out  from  the  paving-stones  of  the  cities  of  thu  North 
The  people  of  the  United  States  are  fun-loving  and 
fun -makers.  Of  the  peculiar  character  of  the  fun 
a  word  or  two  may  be  written  presently.  There  is 


XXV111  BIOGRAl'llICA  I    IMKODUCTTON. 

always  some  popular  man  wearing  the  cap  and  bells, 
and  reflecting  the  humor  of  his  land.  At  one  period 
the  author,'  whom  all  the  papers  quote,  is  Sam  Slick, 
Doesticks,  then  John  Phoenix,  then  Major  Downing, 
then  Artemus  Ward,  then  Orpheus  C.  Kerr,  and  then 
Josh  Billings.  As  fast  as  one  resigns  the  position, 
another  takes  his  place — "  Uno  avulso  non  deficit 
alter"  During  the  war,  joking  went  on  at  a  faster 
pace  than  ever,  and  even  those  who  did  not  esteem 
President  Lincoln  for  his  patriotism  valued  him  im- 
mensely for  his  jokes.  The  jingle  of  the  bells  in  the 
hand  of  Momus  and  the  clank  of  the  sabre  attached 
to  the  waist  of  the  modern  sons  of  Mars,  were  ever 
mingled  throughout  the  long  and  fiercely-contested 
conflict. 

Take  a  little  of  Martin  Farquhar  Tupper,  and  a 
little  of  Artemus  Ward,  knead  them  together,  and 
you  may  make  something  which  approaches  to  a 
Josh  Billings.  That  Mr.  Shaw  aspires  to  be  a 
comic  Tupper  is  evidenced  in  the  various  chapters 
headed  "  Proverbs,"  "  Remarks,"  "  Sayins,"  and 
"  Afferisims."  That  he  has  had  Artemus  Ward  be- 
fore him  is  demonstrable  by  comparing  the  chapter 
in  which  "  Josh  Billings  Insures  his  Life?  with  Ar- 
temus Ward's  celebrated  paper,  entitled  "His  Auto- 
biography*" *  But  Artemus  is  great  in  telling  a 
story,  having  an  imaginative  power  to  conceive  an  ac 
cident,  plan  the  action  of  a  piece  of  drollery,  invent  aa 
odd  character,  and  describe  his  creation  with  infinite 
humor  and  force.  The  talent  of  Mr.  Shaw  is  of 

*  "  ArtemtiB  Ward,  His  Book,"  p.  316. 


BIOGRAPHICAL    INTRODUCTION.  XXI 1 

another  kind.  He  is  aphoristically  comic,  il  I  may 
use  the  phrase.  He  delights  in  being  ludiciously  sen- 
tentious— in  Tupperizing  laughingly,  and  in  causing 
au  old  adage  to  appear  a  new  one  through  the  fantas- 
tic manner  in  which  it  is  dished  up.  He  is  the  comic 
essayist  of  America,  rather  than  her  comic  story-teller. 
His  first  book  was  issued  May  19,  1866,  in  New 
York,  by  George  W.  Carleton,  the  publisher  of  Ar- 
temus  Ward's  Works,  and  was  entitled  "  Josh  Bil- 
lings, His  Book."  This  volume  had  a  large  sale,  and 
was  followed  in  July,  1868,  by  a  new  work  entitled 
"  Josh  Billings  on  Ice."  But  his  greatest  success,  in 
a  literary  line,  was  the  publication  of 

JOSH  BILLINGS'  FARMER'S  ALLMINAX, 

of  which  the  New  York  Tribune,  in  1875,  says  : — 

"  Several  years  ago  Mr.  Carleton,  the  publisher 
was  seized  with  the  belief  that  a  burlesque  of  the 
popular  almanac,  such  as  the  "  Old  Farmers1  Alma- 
nac," to  which  New  England  pinned  its  meteorologi 
ca  faith,  would  be  remunerative.  He  suggested  the 
idea  first  to  "  Artemus  Ward,"  afterwards  to  "  Or- 
pheus C.  Kerr,"  and  next  to  "  Doesticks,"  but  none  of 
them  thought  favorably  of  it.  An  arrangement  was 
at  last  made  with  "Josh  Billings,"  and  so  the  "All- 
minax"  came  about.  Nearly  150,000  copies  were 
sold  the  first  5  ear,  1870,  and  almost  as  many  since, 
and  though  the  retail  price  is  only  a  quarter  of  a 
dollar,  Mr.  Shaw  is  said  to  have  received  neaily 
$5,000  the  first  year,  and  over  $30,000  in  all." 

It  has  been  said  of  Josh    Billings  by  one  of  thf 


JDCX  BIOGRAPHICAL    INTRODUCTION. 

critics  of  his  own  land  that  "  His  wit  has  IK)  edge  tc 
betray  a  malicious  motive ;  but  is  rathei  a  Feejeo 
club,  grotesquely  carved  aiid  painted,  that  makes 
those  who  feel  it  grin  while  they  wince.  All  whom 
he  kills  die  with  a  smile  upon  their  faces."  In  direct- 
ing his  shafts  against  humbug,  pretension,  and  falsity 
he  worthily  carries  out  the  true  vocation  of  the  comic 
writer.  Many  authors  there  are  who  write  funnily 
merely  to  amuse.  There  is  always  a  higher  purpose 
peeping  out  from  among  the  quaint  fancies  and  odd 
expressions  of  Josh  Billings.  Just  inasmuch  as 
America  is  prolific  of  humorists  and  satirists,  does 
she  require  them.  The  bane  and  the  antidote  grow 
in  the  same  garden. 

Were  it  not  for  the  satirists  of  America — of  whom 
Tosh  Billings  is  one  as  well  as  a  humorist — it  is  diffi- 
cult to  imagine  to  what  ludicrous  eccentricities  the 
people  would  lend  themselves.  Too  self-sufficient  to 
listen  to  argument,  they  are  keenly  sensitive  to  ridi- 
cule, and  a  little  of  Josh  Billings  is  more  effective  in 
doing  good  than  the  best  sermon  a  foreign  friend 
could  preach  them.  Burlesque  their  salient,  amiable 
weaknesses — that  is,  let  them  be  burlesqued  by  one 
of  their  own  people,  not  by  a  foreigner — and  they  at 
once  see  the  point  of  the  joke.  In  illustration  of 
this,  there  was  a  paper  in  Cincinnati  which  was  veiy 
much  given  to  use  the  phrase,  "  this  great  country  v 
and  carried  the  use  of  it  to  an  unwarrantable  extent. 
ic  ceased  to  do  so  when  the  following  appeared  in  a 
neighboring  journal : — 

"  This  is  a  glorious  country  !     It  has  longer  rivers 


BIOGRAPHICAL    INTRO!  UCTION.  1TX1 

and  more  of  them,  and  they  are  muddier  and  deeper, 
and  run  faster,  and  rise  higher,  and  make  more  noise, 
and  fall  lower,  and  do  more  damage  than  anybody 
else's  rivers.  It  has  more  lakes,  and  they  are  biggei 
and  deeper,  and  clearer,  and  wetter  than  those  of  any 
other  country.  Our  rail-cars  are  bigger,  and  ruL 
faster,  and  pitch  off  the  track  oftener,  and  kill  more 
people  than  all  other  rail-cars  in  this  and  every  other 
country.  Our  steamboats  carry  bigger  loads,  arc 
longer  and  broader,  burst  their  boilers  ofteuer,  and 
send  up  their  passengers  higher,  and  the  captains 
swear  harder  than  steamboat  captains  in  any  other 
country.  Our  men  are  bigger,  and  longer,  and 
thicker,  can  fight  harder  and  faster,  drink  more  mean 
whiskey,  chew  more  bad  tobacco,  and  spit  more,  and 
spit  further  than  in  any  other  country.  Our  ladies 
are  richer,  prettier,  dress  finer,  spend  more  money, 
break  more  hearts,  wear  bigger  hoops,  shorter  dresses, 
and  kick  up  the  devil  generally  to  a  greater  extent 
than  all  other  ladies  in  all  other  countries.  Our  chil- 
dren squall  louder,  grow  faster,  get  too  expansive  for 
their  pantaloons,  and  become  twenty  years  old  sooner 
by  some  months  than  any  other  children  of  any  other 
country  on  the  earth." 

Burlesques,  such  as  the  above,  whether  written  bj 
Art  emus  Ward  or  Josh  Billings,  have  not  been  with- 
out their  good  effect  in  the  United  States.  The  genius 
of  "  Lifaluten  "  as  the  Americans  call  it — the  word  ia 
derived,  I  believe,  from  "  hyphen-looping  "  —has  re 
ceived  many  mortal  wounds  lately  from  the  hands  of 
the  satirists  and  good  results  have  ensued. 


XXX11  tflOGKAJMITCAL    INTRODLOTION. 

The  writings  of  Josh  Billings  can  act  be  read  with 
out  exciting  mirth,  without  sometimes  hitting  home, 
nor  without  the  reader  becoming  satisfied  thai 
America  has  added  to  her  humorous  authors  one  in 
every  way  well  qualified  to  take  foremost  rank. 

For  real  side-shaking  fun,  the  reader  may  turn  to 
many  pages  of  this  volume  and  find  a  copious  supply ; 
but,  if  he  is  desirous  of  humor  and  pathos  allied,  let 
him  turn  to  the  chapter  on  "  The  Fust  Baby,"  page 
383.  He  will  there  find  that,  underlying  the  caustic 
wit  of  Josh  Billings,  and  a  stratum  or  two  deeper 
than  his  quaint  fun,  is  a  quiet  layer  of  genuine  feel 
ing  capable  of  comprehending  and  of  originating  the 
power  to  express  the  very  poetry  of  pathos.  The 
"  fust  baby  "  born  "  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  garden 
ov  Eden  "  is  invested  in  this  humorous  essay  with  all 
the  interest  which  babyhood  is  susceptible  of  acquir 
ing. 

There  is  little  that  remains  to  be  said  relative  to 
Mr.  Shaw,  except  to  express  the  opinion  that  he  haa 
taken  a  very  worthy  position  among  the  authors  of 
his  own  country,  and  is  likely  to  become  a  general 
favorite  in  England  in  his  character  of  "  Josh  Bil- 
liigs"  Some  of  his  latest  papers  were  contributed 
to  the  New  York  Saturday  Press,  under  the  head 
of  "Cooings  and  Billings,"  with  a  commendatorj 
notice  by  the  editor  of  that  paper,  Henry  Clapp,  jun., 
\v  hose  name  is  not  altogether  unknown  to  the  literary 
men  of  London  and  of  Paris. 


KONTENTMENT. 

KONTENTMENT  is  the  gift  ov  God,  as  it  kan  be  culti 
vated  a  little,  but  it  is  hard  tew  acquire.  Kontentment  ii 
sed  to  be  the  same  az  happiness,  this  ackounts  for  the  small 
amount  ov  happiness  laying  around  loose,  without  enny  owner. 
I  don't  beleave  that  man  was  made  tew  be  kontented,  nor 
happy  in  this  world,  for  if  he  had  bin,  he  wouldn't  hav  hank- 
ered enuff  for  the  other  world. 

When  a  man  gits  perfektly  kontented,  he  and  a  clam  are 
fust  couzins. 

Contentment  iz  a  kind  ov  moral  laziness;  if  thare  want 
ennything  but  kontentment  in  this  world,  man  wouldn't  be 
any  more  of  a  suckcess  than  an  angleworm  iz. 

When  a  man  gits  so  he  don't  want  ennything  more,  he  iz 
like  a  rackcoon  with  his  intestines  full  ov  green  corn. 

Contentment  iz  one  ov  the  instinkts,  i  admit  it  tew  be  hap- . 
piness,  but  it  iz  kind  ov  spruce  gum  chawing  happiness. 

We  all  find  fault  with  Adam  and  Eve,  for- not  being  kon- 
tented, but  if  they  had  bin  satisfied  with  the  gardin  ov  Eden, 
and  themselfs,  they  would  hav  been  living  thare  now,  the 
only  two  human  beings  on  the  face  ov  the  arth,  az  innocent 
as  a  couple  of  vegetable  oysters. 

They  would  hav  bin  two  splendid  specimens  ov  the  handy 
work  ov  God,  elegant  portraits  in  the  vestibule  ov  heaven, 
but  they  would  not  hav  developed  reazon,  the  only  God-like 
attribute  in  man. 

at  33 


ESSAYS. 


When  a  man  iz  thoroly  kontented,  he  iz  either  too  lazy  to 
want  ennything,  or  too  big  a  phool  tew  enjoy  it. 

I  hav  lived  in  naberhoods  whare  everyboddy  seemed  to  be 
kontented,  but  if  the  itch  had  ever  broke  out  in  them  naber- 
hoods, the  people  would  have  skratched  to  this  day. 

I  am  in  favor  of  all  the  vanitys,  and  petty  ambishuns,  all 
the  jealousys  and  backbitings  in  the  world,  not  bekauze  i 
think  they  am  hansom e,  but  bekauze  I  think  they  stir  up 
men,  and  wimmin,  git  them  onto  their  muscle,  cultivating 

their  venom  and  rea 
zon  at  the  same  time, 
and  proving  what  a 
brilliant  cuss  man  may 
be,  at  the  same  time 
that  it  proves  what  a 
miserable  cuss  he  iz. 

I  had  rather  see  two 
wimmin  pull  hair,  than 
tew  see  them  set  down, 
thoroughly  s  a  t  i  s  fi  e  d 
with  an  aimless  life, 
and  never  suffer  eney 
excitement,  greater 
than  bleeding  tears 
together,  through  their 
noze,  for  a  parcel  of 
shirtless  heathen  on 
the  coast  ov  Madagas- 
kar,  or,  once  in  a  while, 
open  their  eyes,  from  a  dream  ov  young  hyson  contentmeir 
tea,  tewsarch  the  allmiknak,  for  the  next  change  in  the  moon. 
Contentment,  in  this  age  of  the  world,  either  means  death, 
or  dekay,  in  the  days  ov  Abraham,  contentment  was  simply 
ignorance. 

The  world  iz  now  full  ov  laming,  the  arts,  and  sciences, 
and    all   the  thousand  appliances   ov   reazon,   these   things 


PERFEKTLY    SATISFIED. 


KONTENTMENT.  35 

make  ignorance  the  exception,  and  no  man  haz  a  right  tew 
cultivate  contentment,  enny  more  than  he  haz  tew  cut  oph 
hiz  thum,  and  set  quietly  down,  and  nuss  the  stub. 

Show  me  a  thoroughly  contented  person,  and  i  will  show 
yu  an  useless  one. 

What  we  want  iz  folks  who  won't  be  kontented,  who 
kant  be  kontented,  who  git  up  in  the  morning,  not  simply  to 
hav  their  bed  made,  but  for  the  sake  ov  gitting  tired  ;  not  for 
the  sake  ov  nourishing  kontentment,  but  for  the  sake  ov  put- 
ting turpentine  in  sum  ded  place,  and  stiring  up  the  animals. 

Contentment  was  born  with  Adam,  and  died  when  Adam 
ceased  tew  be  an  angel,  and  bekum  a  man. 

I  don't  say  that  a  man  couldn't  be  hatched  out,  and,  like 
a  young  owl,  set  on  a  dri  limb,  awl  hiz  days,  with  hiz  branes 
az  fasst  asleep  az  a  rnudturkles,  and  at  last  sneak  into  heaven, 
under  the  guize  of  kontentment,  but  i  do  say,  that  10  genera- 
shims  ov  sich  men  would  run  most  of  the  human  race  into 
the  ground,  and  leave  the  ballance  az  lifeless,  and  az  base,  as 
a  currency  made  out  ov  puter  ten  cent  pieces. 

I  would  like  jist  az  well  az  the  next  man,  tew  crawl  into 
a  hole,  that  jist  fitted  me,  hed  fust,  and  thus  shutting  out  all 
the  light,  be  contented,  for  i  know  how  awfully  unsothening 
the  aims,  and  ambishuns  ov  life  are,  but  this  would  only  be 
burying  mi  few  tallents,  and  sacrificing  on  the  ded  alter  ov 
kontentment,  what  war  given  me,  to  make  a  fire  or  a  smudge 
with. 

Thare  aint  no  sich  thing  as  contentment  and  reazon  exist- 
ing together;  thoze  who  slip  out  ov  the  crowd,  into  sum 
alley,  and  pretend  they  are  chawing  the  cud  of  sweet  kontent- 
ment, the  verry  best  specimens  ov  them,  are  no  better  than 
pin  cushions,  stuck  full. 

They  have  jist  az  menuy  longings  az  ennybody,  they  have 
jist  az  menuy  vices,  their  virtews  are  too  often  simply  a  mix- 
tur  ov  jealousy  and  cowardice. 

Contentment  is  not  desiglmed,  as  a  stiddy  bizziness,  for  the 
sons  ov  man,  while  on  this  arth. 


38  ESSAYS. 

A  yeller  dogg,  with  a  tin  kittle  tew  his  tale,  climbing  a 
hill,  at  a  three  minit  gate  iz  a  more  reazonable  spektacle  foi 
me,  than  a  slimy  snail,  contented  and  happv. 


MARRIAGE. 

MARRIAGE   iz  a  fair  transaction  on  the  face  ov  it. 
But  thare  iz  quite  too  often  put  up  jobs  in  it. 

It  iz  an  old  institushun,  older  than  the  pyramids,  and  az 
phull  ov  hyrogliphicks  that  noboddy  kan  parse. 

History  holds  its  tounge  who  the  pair  waz  who  fust  put 
on  the  silken  harness,  and  promised  tew  work  kind  in  it, 
thru  thick  and  thin,  up  hill  and  down,  and  on  the  level,  rain 
or  shine,  survive  or  perish,  sink  or  swim,  drown  or  flote. 

But  whoever  they  waz  they  must  hav  made  a  good  thing 
out  ov  it,  or  so  menny  ov  their  posterity  would  not  hav  har- 
nessed up  since  and  drov  out. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  moral  grip  in  marriage ;  it  iz  the  mortar 
that  holds  the  soshull  bricks  together. 

But  there  ain't  but  darn  few  pholks  who  put  their  money 
in  matrimony  who  could  set  down  and  giv  a  good  written 
opinyun  whi  on  arth  they  cum  to  did  it. 

This  iz  a  grate  proof  that  it  iz  one  ov  them  natral  kind  ov 
acksidents  that  must  happen,  jist  az  birds  fly  out  ov  the  nest, 
when  they  hav  feathers  enuff,  without  being  able  tew  tell 
why. 

Sum  marry  for  buty,  and  never  diskover  their  mistake; 
this  iz  lucky. 

Sum  marry  for  money,  and — don't  see  it. 

Sum  marry  for  pedigree,  and  feel  big  for  six  months,  and 
then  very  sensibly  cum  tew  the  conclusion  that  pedigree  ain't 
no  better  than  skimmilk. 

Sum  marry  tew  pleze  their  relashuns,  and  are   surprized 


MAKKIAGi:.  37 

tew  learn    that   their   relashuns  don't  care  a  cuss  for  them 
afterwards. 

Sum  marry  bekauze  they  hav  bin  highsted  sum  whare  else  ; 
this  iz  a  cross  match,  a  bay  and  a  sorrel ;  pride  may  make  it 
endurable. 

Sum  marry  for  love  without  a  cent  in  their  pocket,  nor  a 
friend  in  the  world,  nor  a  drop  ov  pedigree.  This  looks 
desperate,  but  it  is  tJie  strength  ov  the  game. 

If  marrying  for  love  ain't  a  suckcess,  then  matrimony  iz  a 
ded  beet. 

Sum  marry  bekauze  they  think  wimmin  will  be  skarse 
next  year,  and  liv  tew  wonder  how  the  crop  holds  out. 

Sum  marry  tew  git  rid  ov  themselfs,  and  diskover  that  the 
game  waz  one  that  two  could  play  at,  and  neither  win. 

Sum  marry  the  seckond  time  to  git  even,  and  find  it  a  gam- 
bling game,  the  more  they  put  down,  the  less  they  take  up. 

Sum  marry  tew  be  happy,  and  not  finding  it,  wonder 
whare  all  the  happiness  on  earth  goes  to  when  it  dies. 

Sum  marry,  they  kan't  tell  whi,  and  liv,  they  kan't  tell  how. 

Almoste  every  boddy  gits  married,  and  it  iz  a  good  joke. 

Sum  marry  in  haste,  and  then  set  down  and  think  it  care- 
ful over. 

Sum  think  it  over  careful  fust,  and  then  set  down  and 
marry. 

Both  ways  are  right,  if  they  hit  the  mark. 

Sum  marry  rakes  tew  convert  them  This  iz  a  little  risky, 
and  takes  a  smart  missionary  to  do  it. 

Sum  marry  coquetts.  This  iz  like  buying  a  poor  farm, 
heavily  mortgaged,  and  working  the  ballance  ov  yure  daya 
tew  clear  opli  the  mortgages. 

Married  life  haz  its  chances,  and  this  iz  just  what  gives  it 
its  flavour.  Every  body  luvs  tew  phool  with  the  chances, 
bekauze  every  boddy  expekts  tew  win.  Hut  i  am  authorized 
tew  state  that  every  boddy  don't  win. 

But,  after  all,  married  life  iz  full  ax:  certain  az  the  dij 
goods  bizziness. 


38  ESSAYS. 

No  man  kan  swear  exactly  whare  he  will  fetch  up  when 
he  touches  calico. 

IVHO  man  kan  tell  jist  what  calico  haz  made  up  its  mind 
tew  do  next. 

Calico  don't  kno  even  herself. 

Dri  goods  o^r  all  kinds  iz  the  child  ov  circumstansis. 

Sum  never  marry,  but  this  iz  jist  az  risky,  the  diseaze  iz 
the  same,  with  no  other  name  to  it. 

The  man  who  stands  on  the  hank  shivvering,  and  dassent, 
iz  more  apt  tew  ketch  cold,  than  him  who  pitches  hiz  lied 
fust  into  the  river. 

Thare  iz  hut  phew  who  never  marry  bekauze  they  won't 
they  all  hanker,  and  most  ov  them  starve  with  slices  ov  bread 
before  them  (spread  on  both  sides),  jist  for  the  lack  ov  grit. 

Marry  yung  !  iz  mi  motto. 

I  hav  tried  it,  and  kno  what  i  am  talkin  about. 

If  enny  boddy  asks  yu  win  yu  got  married,  (if  it  needs  be), 
tell  him,  yu  don't  reccollekt. 

Marriage  iz  a  safe  way  to  gamble — if  yu  win,  yu  win  a 
pile,  and  if  yu  loze,  yu  don't  loze  enny  thing,  only  the  privi- 
lege ov  living  dismally  alone,  and  soaking  yure  own  feet. 

I  repeat  it,  in  italicks,  marry  young  ! 

Thare  iz  but  one  good  excuse  for  a  marriage  late  in  life, 
and  that  iz — a  second  marriage. 


K 


FASHION'S  PRAYER. 

• 

IN~D  Fortune  may  thi  mersys  endure  forever;  smile 
thou    out  ov  thi  loving  eyes  upon  this  fine  bust    ov 

mine. 

Strengthen  mi  husband,  and  may  hiz  faith  and  his  money 
hold  out  to  the  last. 

Draw  the  lamb's  wool  ov  unsuspicious  twilight  over  hiz 


FASHION'S  PRAYER.  39 

eyes,  that  jni  flirtashuns  may  look  to  him  like  viktorys,  and 
that  mi  bills  may  strengthen  hi/  pride  in  me. 

Bless,  oh !  Fortune,  mi  crimps,  rats,  and  frizzles,  and  let 
thi  glory  shine  upon  mi  paint  and  powder. 

When  i  walk  out  before  the  gaze  ov  vulgar  man,  regulate 
mi  wiggle,  and  add  nu  grace  tew  mi  gaiters. 

Bless  all  dri  goods  klerks,  milliners,  manty-makers  and 
hair-frizzers,  and  give  immortality  to  Lubin  and  hiz  heirs, 
and  assighns  forever. 

Lead  me  bi  the  side  ov  colone  waters,  and  fatten  mi  calves 
upon  the  bran  ov  thi  love. 

Blister,  oh !  Fortune,  with  the  heat  ov  thi  wrath,  the  man 
who  treds  upon  the  trail  ov  my  garments. 

Take  mi  two  children  oph  from  mi  hands,  for  they  bother 
me,  and  take  them  to  be  thi  children,  and  bring  them  up  to 
suit  thiself. 

When  i  bow  miself  in  worship,  grant  that  i  may  do  it 
with  ravishing  elegance,  and  perserve  unto  the  last  the  lily- 
white  ov  mi  ilesh,  and  the  taper  ov  mi  fingers. 

Smile  tliou  graciously,  oh !  Fortune,  upon  mi  nu  silk 
dress,  now  in  the  hands  of  the  manty -maker,  and  may  it  fit 
me  all  over  like  unto,  as  the  ducks  foot  tittetli  the  mud. 

Destroy  mine  eneinys  with  the  gaul  ov  jealousy,  and  eat 
thou  up  with  the  teeth  ov  envy,  all  thoze  who  gaze  at  mi  style. 

Save  me  from  wrinkles,  and  foster  mi  plumpness. 

Fill  both  mi  eyes,  oh!  Fortune,  with  the  plaintive  pizon 
ov  infatuashim,  that  i  may  lay  out  mi  viktims,  the  men  as 
knumb-images  graven. 

Let  the  lily,  and  the  roze,  strive  together  in  mi  cheek,  and 
may  mi  nek  swim  like  a  goose  on  the  buzzum  ov  krystal 
waters. 

Enable  me,  oh  Fortune,  to  wear  shoes  still  a  little  smaller, 
and  save  me  from  all  korns,  and  bunyons. 

Bless  Fanny  mi  lap  dog,  and  rain  down  bezom  ov  destruck- 
shun  upon  thoze  who  would  hurt  a  hair  ov  Ilektor  mi  kitten. 

"Remove  far  from   me  all  the  wails  of  the  sorrowful,  and 


ESSAYS. 


shield  mi   sensitiff  natur 

Shed  the  light  ov 
tin  countenance  on 
»ni  kammel's  hair 
shawl,  and  mi  neck- 
lace ov  dimonds,  I 
beseech  thee. 

Enable  the  poor 
to  shirk  for  them- 
selfs,  and  save  me 
from  all  missionary 
beggars. 

I  hav  always  ben 
a  friend  to  thee, 
oh  Fortune,  there- 
fore bless  me  for 
ever,  and  ever. 


from  the  klamours  ov  the  widdei 


THE  BIZZY  BODY. 

IDO1SPT  mean  the  industrious  man,  intent,  and  constant 
in  the  way  of  duty,  but  he  who,  like  a  hen,  tired  ov  set- 
ting, cums  clucking  oph  from  the  nest  in  a  grate  hurry,  and 
full  ov  sputter,  az  fat  spilt  on  the  fire ;  scratching  a  little 
here,  and  suddenly  a  little  thare  ;  chuck  full  ov  small  things, 
like  a  ritch  cheeze  ;  up  and  down  the  streets,  wagging  around 
evry  boddy,  like  a  lorst  dorg ;  in  and  out  like  a  long-tailed 
mouse  ;  az  full  ov  bizzness  az  a  pissmire,  just  before  a  hard 
shower  ;  more  questions  tew  ask  than  a  prosekuting  attorney  ; 
az  fat  with  pertikulars,  az  an  inditement  for  hog  stealing  ;  as 
knowing  az  a  tin  weathercock. 

This  breed  ov  folks  do  a  small  bizznes  on  a  big  capital, 
they  alwus  know  all  the  sekrets  within  ten  miles,  that  aint 
worth  keeping,  they  are  a  bundle  of  faggot  fakts,  and  kan 
tell  which  sow  in  the  neighborhood  haz  got  the  most 
and  what  Squire  Benson  got  for  marrying  hiz  last  couple. 


THE  lilZZY  BODY  -iJ 

All  ov  this  iz  the  result  ov  not  knowing  how  to  use  a 
few  brains  to  advantage,  if  they  only  knew  a  little  less  they 
would  be  fools,  and  a  little  more  would  enable  them  to  tend 
a  fresh  lettered  gideboard,  with  credit  to  themselfs,  and  not 
confusion  to  the  travellers. 

The  Bizzy  Body  iz  az  full  ov  leizure  az  a  yearling  heifer, 
hiz  time,  (nor  noboddy  else's)  aint  worth  nothing  to  him,  he 
will  button  hole  an  auctioneer  on  the  block,  or  a  minister  in 
the  pulpit,  and  wouldn't  hesitate  tew  stop  a  phuneral  pro- 
cession to  ask  what  the  corpse  died  of.  They  are  az  familiar 
with  every  boddy  az  a  cockroach,  but  are  no  more  use  to 
you,  az  a  friend,  than  a  sucked  orange. 

Theze  bizzy  people  are  of  awl  genders — maskuline,  femi- 
nine and  nuter,  and  sum  times  are  old  maids,  and  then  are  az 
necessary  in  a  community  as  dried  herbs  in  the  garret. 

One  bizzy  old  maid,  who  enjoys  her  vittles,  and  dont  keep 
a  lot  ov  tame  kats  for  stiddy  employment,  is  worth  more 
than  a  daily  paper ;  she  iz  better  than  the  "  Cook's  Own 
Book,"  or  a  volume  of  household  receipts,  and  works  harder 
and  makes  more  trips  every  day  than  a  railroad  hoss  on  the 
Third  avenue  cars. 

The  bizzy  body  iz  generally  az  free  from  malice  az  a  fly ; 
he  lights  on  you  only  for  a  roost,  but  iz  always  az  unprofita- 
ble to  know,  or  to  hav  ennything  to  do  with,  az  a  jewelry 
peddlar. 

Thare  are  sum  ov  the  bizzy  folks  who  are  like  the  hornets 
— never  bizzy  only  with  their  stings.  Theze  are  vipers,  and 
are  to  be  feared,  not  trifled  with ;  but  my  bizzybody  has  no 
gaul  in  his  liver ;  his  whole  karackter  iz  his  face,  and  he 
iz  as  eazy  to  inventory  az  the  baggage  of  a  traveling  colporter. 

They  are  a  cheerful,  moderately  virtuous,  extremely 
patient,  modestly  impudent,  ginger-pop  set  ov  vagrants,  who 
have  got  more  leggs  than  brains,  and  whose  really  greatest 
sin  iz  not  their  \vaste  ov  facultys,  but  waste  ov  time.  But 
time,  to  one  ov  theze  fellows,  flies  as  unconscious  az  it  dux 
tew  a  tin  watch  in  a  toy  shop  window. 


4L>  ESSAYS. 

They  are  welcomed,  not  bekauze  they  are  necessary,  but 
bekauze  they  aint  feared,  and  are  soon  dropt,  like  peanut 
shells,  on  the  floor. 

Thare  iz  no  radikal  cure  for  the  bizzybody,  no  more  than 
thare  iz  for  the  fleas  in  a  long-haired  dogg — if  yu  git  rid  ov 
the  fleas  yu  hav  got  the  dogg  left,  and  if  yu  git  rid  ov  the 
dogg  yu  hav  got  the  fleas  left,  and  so,  whare  are  you? 

Bizzyness  and  bissness  are  two  diff'reut  things,  altho  they 
pronounce  out  loud  similar. 

But  after  all  i  don't  want  tew  git  shut  ov  the  Bizzy  peo- 
ple ;  they  are  a  noosanse  for  a  small  amount,  but  sumboddy 
haz  got  to  be  a  noosanse,  and  being  aktive  about  nothing, 
and  energetically  lazy,  iz  no  doubt  a  virtuous  dodge,  but.  iz 
10  per  cent  better  than  coimterlitting,  or  even  the  grand 
larceny  bizziness.  Thare  iz  one  thing  about  them,  they  are 
selduni  deceitful,  they  trade  on  a  floating  capital,  and  only 
deal  in  second-hand  articles;  they  haint  got  the  tall^nt  to 
invent,  they  selduni  lie,  bekauze  their  bizziness  don't  require 
it ;  thare  iz  stale  truth  emiff  lieing  around  loose  for  their  pur- 
pose. 

Don't  trust  them  only  with  what  you  want  to  have  scat- 
tered, they  will  find  a  ready  market  for  every  thing  that  a 
prudent  man  would  hesitate  tew  offer,  and  they  always  sup- 
poze  they  are  learned,  for  they  mistake  rumors,  skandals,  and 
gossip  for  wisdum. 

It  iz  a  sad  "sight  to  see  a  whole  life  being  swopped  off  for 
the  glory  of  telling  what  good  people  don't  love  to  hear,  and 
what  viscious  ones  only  value  for  the  malice  it  contains.  I 
should  rather  be  the  keeper  ov  a  rat  pit,  or  ketch  kats  for  a 
shilling  a  head  to  feed  an  anaconda  with. 


FASTIDIOUSNESS. 

FASTIDIOUSNESS  iz  merely  the  ignorance  ov  propriety. 
I  hav  saw  people  who  had  rather  die   and   be  buried 
than  say  lull.     They  wouldn't  hesitate  tew  say  male  cow. 


1.0  VK. 


If  the  uioughts  are  pure  and  the  language  iz  chaste,  it  will 
do  tew  say  almoste  ennything. 

The  young  lady  who,  a  fu  years  ago,  refused  tew  walk 
nkrost  a  potato  field,  bekauze  the  potatoze  had  eyes,  ran  away 
from  home,  soon  after- 
wards, with  a  jewelry 
pedlar. 

Fastidiousness,  az  a 
general  thing  iz  a  holy- 
day  virtew,  and  i  hav 
frequently  notissed 
that  thoze  individuals 
who  are  alwus  afrade 
they  shal  cum  akrost 
sumthing  Inly  improp- 
er, are  generally  look- 
ing for  it. 

Fastidiousness  and 
delikasy  are  often  kon- 
founded,  but  thare  iz 
th  is  difference  —  the 
truly  delikate  aint 
afrade  tew  take  holt 
ov  things  that  they  are  willing  tew  touch  at  all  with  their 
naked  hands,  while  the  fastidious  are  willing  tew  take  holt  ov 
enny  thing  with  gloves  on. 

Delikasy  iz  the  coquetry  ov  truth;  fastidiousness  iz  the 
prudery  ov  falsehood. 


FASTIDIOUSNESS. 


LOVE. 

T  OVE  iz  one  ov  the  pashuns,  and  the  most  diffikult  one  ov 
JLJ  all  tew  deskribe. 

I  never  yet  hav  herd  love  well  denned. 

I  hav  read  several  deskripshuns  ov  it,  but  they  wrere  \vrit« 


44  ESSAYS. 

ten  by  thoze  who  were  in  love,  (or  thought  they  waz),  and  i 
wouldn't  beleave  such  testimony,  not  even  under  oath. 

Almoste  every  boddy,  sum  time  in  their  life,  haz  bin  in 
love,  and  if  they  think  it  iz  an  eazy  sensashun  tew  deskribc, 
let  them  set  down  and  deskribe  it,  and  see  if  the  person  who 
listens  tew  the  deskripshun  will  be  satisfied  with  it. 

I  waz  in  love  once  miself  for  7  long  years,  and  mi  friends 
all  sed  i  had  a  consupshun,  but  i  knu  all  the  time  what  ailed 
me,  but  couldn't  deskribe  it. 

!Now  all  that  i  kan  rekolekt  about  this  luv  sikness  iz,  that 
for  thoze  7  long  years  i  waz,  if  enny  thing,  rather  more  ov  a 
kondem  phool  than  ordinary. 

Love  iz  an  honorabel  disseaze  enuff  tew  hav,  bekauze  it  iz 
natral;  but  enny  phellow  who  haz  laid  sik  with  it  for  7  long 
years,  after  he  gits  over  it,  feels  sumthing  like  the  phellow 
who  haz  phell  down  on  the  ice  when  it  iz  verry  wet — he  dont 
feel  like  talking  about  it  before  folks. 


FEAE. 

SUM  pholks  think  fear  iz  the  result  ov  edukashun,  but  i 
dont. 

I  notiss  that  thoze  who  are  edukated  the  most,  and  thoze 
who  are  edukated  the  least,  are  troubled  with  fear  just  alike. 

Fear  and  Courage  are  instinkts. 

A  man  who  iz  a  koward  iz  born  so,  and,  when  he  iz  full 
ov  skare,  hiz  hare  on  hiz  hed  will  git  up  on  end,  I  dont  kare 
how  mutch  edukashun  yu  pile  on  top  ov  it. 

The  gratest  kowards  in  the  world  are  the  men  ov  the  most 
genius — they  are  the  most  silly  kowards. 

One  ov  theze  kind  ov  men  will  quake  with  fear  when  a 
mouse  knaws  in  the  wainskote  at  night,  but  they  will  face 
an  earthquake  next  day  with  composure. 

I  dont  kno  ov  a  more  terrible  sensashun  than  fear;  it  iz 
deth  when  it  exhausts  itself  and  ends  in  despair. 


BUTY.  41 

I  am  a  grate  koward  miself,  and  beleave  i  waz  born  so,  and 
yet  thare  is  nothing  which  i  despize  so  mutch  as  kowardice. 

I  would  give  all  the  other  virtews  i  hav  got  (provided  i 
hav  got  enny),  and  throw  in  a  hundred  dollars  in  munny 
besides,  for  an  unlimited  supply  ov  courage. 

I  would  like  tew  hav  courage  enuff  tew  face  the  devil  him 
self,  if  he  waz  the  least  bit  sassy  tew  to  me. 

I  am  satisfied  that  courage  iz  an  instinkt,  for  i  notiss  all 
the  animal  kreashun  hav  it  well  defined. 


BUTY. 

BUTY  iz  a  very  handy  thing  tew  hav,  espeshily  for  a 
woman  who  aint  hansum. 

Thare  iz  not  mutch  ov  enny  thing  more  diffikult  tew  define 
than  buty. 

It  iz  a  blessed  thing  that  there  ain't  no  rules  for  it,  for  the 
way  it  iz  now,  every  man  gits  a  hansum  woman  for  a  wife. 

Thare  iz  grate  power  in  female  buty ;  its  viktorys  reach 
klear  from  the  Garden  ov  Eden  down  to  yesterday. 

Adam  waz  the  fust  man  that  saw  a  butiful  woman,  and 
wax;  the  fust  man  tew  acknowledge  it. 

But  beauty  in  itself  iz  but  a  very  short-lived  viktory — a  mere 
perspektive  to  the  background. 

Thare  aint  noboddy  but  a  butterfly  kan  liv  on  buty,  and 
git  phatt. 

When  buty  and  good  sense  jine  each  other,  yu  hav  got  a 
mixtur  that  will  stand  both  wet  and  dry  weather. 

I  hav  never  seen  a  woman  with  good  sense  but  what  had 
buty  enuff  tew  make  herself  hily  agreeable ;  but  i  hav  seen 
3  or  -i  wimmin  iu  mi  day  who  hadn't  sense  enuif  tew  make  a 
good  deal  ov  buty  the  least  bit  charming. 

But,  az  i  sed  before,  thare  ain't  no  posatiff  rule  for  buty, 
and  i  am  dredful  glad  ov  it,  for  every  boddy  would  be  after 


46  ESSAYS. 

that  rule,  and  sumboddy  wouldn't  git  enny  rule,  besides  run 
ning  a  grate  risk  ov  gitting  jammed  in  the  rush. 

Man  buty  iz  a  awful  weak  komplaint — it  iz  wuss,  if  possi 
ble,  than  the  nosegay  disseaze. 

If  there  iz  sitch  a  thing  az  a  butiful  man  on  earth,  he  haz 
mi  simpathy.  Even  mithology  had  but  one  Adonis,  and  the 
only  accomplishment  he  had  waz  tew  blatt  like  a  lamb. 


FAITH. 

FAITH  iz  the  rite  bower  ov  Hope. 
If  it  want  for  faith,  thare  would  be  no  living  in  this 
world.     We  couldn't  even  eat  hash  with  enny  safety,  if  it 
want  for  faith. 

Human  knowledge  is  very  short,  and  don't  reach  but  a 
little  ways,  and  even  that  little  ways  iz  twilite  ;  but  faith 
lengthens  out  the  road,  and  makes  it  light,  so  that  we  kan 
see  tew  read  the  letterings  on  the  mile  stuns. 

Faith  haz  won  more  viktorys  than  all  the  other  pashuns  or 
sentiments  ov  the  heart  and  hed  put  together. 

Faith  iz  one  ov  them  warriors  who  dont  kno  when  she  iz 
whipped. 

But  Faith  iz  no  milksop,  but  a  live  fighter.  She  dont  set 
down  and  gro  stupid  with  resignashun,  and  git  weak  with  the 
buty  ov  her  attributes ;  but  she  iz  the  heroine  ov  forlorn 
Hope — she  feathers  her  arrows  with  reazon,  and  fires  rite  at 
the  bull's  eye  ov  fate. 

I  think  now  if  i  couldn't  hav  but  one  ov  the  moral  attri- 
butes, i  would  take  it  all  in  faith — red  hot  faith  I  mean ;  and 
tho  i  mite  make  sum  fust  rate  blunders,  i  would  do  a  rushing 
bizzness  arming  the  various  dri  bones  thare  iz  laying  around 
loose  in  this  world. 


BRANES.  4:7 

BRANES. 

BRANES  are  a  sort  ov  animal  pulp,  and  by  common 
konsent  are  suppozed  tew  be  the  medium  ov  thought. 

How  enny  boddy  knows  that  the  branes  do  the  thinking, 
or  are  the  interpreters  ov  thought,  iz  more  than  i  kan  tell ; 
and,  for  what  i  kno,  this  theory  may  be  one  ov  thoze  remark- 
able diskoverys  ov  man  which  aint  so. 

Theze  subjeks  are  tew  mutch  for  a  man  ov  mi  learning  tew 
lift,  i  kant  prove  any  ov  them,  and  i  hav  too  mutch  venera- 
shun  tew  guess  at  them. 

Branes  are  generally  supozed  tew  be  lokated  in  the  hed, 
but  investigaslmn  satisfys  me  that  they  are  planted  all  over 
the  boddy. 

I  find  that  a  dansing  masters  are  situated  in  hiz  heels  and 
toze,  while  a  fiddler's  all  center  in  hiz  elbows. 

Sum  people's  branes  seem  tew  be  placed  in  their  Tiands 
and  fingers,  which  explains  their  grate  genius  for  taking 
things  which  they  kan  reach. 

I  hav  seen  cases  whare  all  the  branes  seemed  tew  kongre- 

O 

gate  in  the  tounge  ;  and  once  in  a  grate  while  they  inhabit 
the  ears,  and  then  we  hav  a  good  listener,  but  theze  are  sel- 
dum  cases. 

Sum  times  the  branes  ain't  enny  whare  in  p^artikular,  but 
all  over  the  boddy  in  a  minnit.  These  fellows  are  like  a 
pissmire  just  before  a  hard  shower,  in  a  big  hurry,  and  alwus 
tricing  tew  go  4  different  ways  tew  once. 

Thare  seems  tew  be  kaees  whare  thare  aint  enny  branes  at  all, 
but  this  iz  a  mistake,  i  thought  i  had  cum  akrost  one  ov 
theze  kind  once,  but  after  watching  the  pashunt  for  an  hour, 
and  see  him  drink  5  horns  ov  poor  whiskey  during  the  time, 
i  had  no  trouble  in  telling  whare  hiz  branes  all  lay. 

I  hav  finally  cum  tew  the  konclushnn  that  branes,  or  sum 
thing  else  that  iz  good  tew  think  with,  arc  excellent  tew  hav  : 
but  yu  want  tew  keep  yure  eye  on  them,  and  not  let  them 
phool  away  their  time,  nor  yures  neither. 


*8  ESSAYS. 

SPKING  AND  BILES. 

Spring  came  this  year  az  mutch  az  usual,  hail  butuons  vir- 
gin 5000  years  old  and  upwards,hale  and  harty  old  gal,  wel- 
cum  tew  York  State,  and  parts  adjacent ! 

Now  the  birds  jaw,  now  the  cattle  holler,  now  the  pigs 
skream,  now  the  geese  warble,  now  the  kats  sigh,  and  natur 
is  frisky,  the  earnest  pissmire,  the  virtuous  bed-bug,  and  the 
nobby  cockroach,  are  singing  Yankee  Doodle,  and  "  coming 
thru  the  rhi."  Now  may  be  seen  the  muskeeter,  that  gray 
outlined  critter  ov  destiny,  solitary  and  alone,  examining  his 
last  year's  bill,  and  may  now  be  heard,  with  the  naked  ear,  the 
hoarse  shanghigh,  bawling  in  the  barnyard. 

Kittens  in  the  doorway,  the  pupys  on  the  green,  neighbor 
chats  with  neighbor,  and  the  languid  urchin  creeps  listless 
toward  the  school.  These  things  are  all  fust  rate  in  their  place, 
but  spring  brings  pesky  biles,  and  plants  them  carelessly, 
sometimes  among  the  maiden's  charms,  and  sometimes  among 
the  young  men's.  I  kan  tork  like  a  preshure  poet  about  biles, 
just  now,  for  i  have  one  in  full  bloom  growing  on  me,  almost 
reddy  to  pick,  az  big  az  an  eggplant,  and  az  full  ov  anguish  az 
a  broken  heart. 

Biles  are  the  sorest  things  ov  their  size  on  reckord,  and  az 
kross  tew  the  touch  az  a  setting  hen,  or  a  dog  with  a  fresh  bone. 
Biles  alwus  pick  out  the  handyest  place  on  youre  boddy  tew 
bild  their  nest,  and  if  you  undertake  tew  brake  them  up,  it 
only  makes  them  mad,  and  takes  them  longer  tew  hatch  out. 
Thare  aint  no  sutch  thing  az  coaxing,  nor  driving  them  away. 
They  are  like  an  impudent  bed  bug,  they  won't  move  till 
they  hav  got  their  fill. 

Biles  are  az  old  az  religion.  Job,  the  proffit,  waz  the  first 
champion  ov  biles,  and  he  iz  currently  reported  tew  hav  more 
biles,  and  more  pashunce,  to  the  square  inch,  than  enny  one, 
two  very  rare  things  to  be  found,  in  enny  man. 

Biles  and  pashunce !  i  should  as  soon  think  ov  mixing 
courting  and  muskeeters  together,  for  luxury. 


SPRING  AND  BLISS.  4l< 

I  hav  got  a  grate  deal  more  faith  than  i  .hav  pashunce,  but 
i  hain't  got  enough  faith  in  biles,  i  wouldn't  trust  a  bile, 
even  on  one  ov  mi  boots. 

I  think  faith  iz  a  better  artikle  than  pashunce.  Faith  sum- 
times  iz  an  evidence  ov  brains,  arid  pashunce  quite  often  iz 
only  numbness,  but  i  don't  thinkin  these  srnoothe  shod  times 
it  iz  best  to  have  too  mutch  capital  invested  in  either  ov 
them. 

But  i  am  out  ov  the  road,     i  must  git  back  onto  biles  agin. 

If  a  fellow  begins  tew  wander,  and  git  out  ov  the  straight 
and  narrow  path,  it  is  curious  how  quick  he  will  begin  to  go 

to  the .     Biles  are  very  sassy  ;  sumtimes  when  yer  go  to 

set  down,  they  will  get  between  yer  and  the  chair ;  this  iz  one 
evidence  ov  their  ill-breeding,  and  i  had  one  once  plant  her- 
self on  the  f  runt  end  of  rni  nose,  which  was  a  most  remarkabel 
piece  ov  bad  manners,  for  there  iz  no  room  on  mi  noze  enny 
where  fora  bile,  for  when  it  iz  even  ebb  tide  with  mi  noze,  it 
covers  half  ov  mi  face.  Biles  are  sed  tew  be  helthy ,  and  i  guess 
they  am,  for  i  hav  seen  sum  helthy  old  biles,  az  big  az  a  hornet's 
nest,  and  az  full  ov  stings.  I  always  want  to  be  helthy — i  am 
willing  tew  pay  the  highest  market  price  for  a  good  deal  ov 
helthy — but  if  i  had  to  hav  2  biles  on  me,  awl  the  time,  in 
order  to  be  helthy,  i  should  think  that  i  was  bulling  the  mar* 
ket. 

There  iz  one  more  smart  thing  about  biles  ;  they  are  like 
twins ;  they  hardly  ever  cum  singly,  and  i  hav  known  them 
to  throw  double  sixes. 

What !  twelve  biles  on  one  man  at  a  time !  This  is  wus 
than  fighting  bumblebees  with  your  summer  clothes  on. 

Biles  are  sed,  by  the  edukated  and  correkt  spellers  o  v  the  land, 
to  be  an  operashun  ov  natur  tew  git  rid  ov  sumthirig  which  she 
wants  to  spare.  This  is  so  without  doubt,  but  it  don't  strike 
me  az  being  a  very  polite  thing  in  natur,  tew  sho v  oph  her  biles 
onto  other  folks.  I  say,  let  evry  boddy  take  care  ov  their 
own  biles. 

But  say  aul  yer  kan  about  biles,  call  them  all  the  mean 
4* 


50 


ESSAYS. 


names  current  aiming  fishmungers,  revile  and  persecute,  and 

spit  on  them,  groan, 
grin  and  swear  when 
they  visit  yer,  hit  them 
over  the  head  and  set 
on  them  if  yer  pleaze, 
there  iz  a  time  in  their 
career  when  they  con- 
centrate aul  the  pathos 
ov  joy  that  a  man  haz 
on  hand  to  spare,  and 
that  iz  —  when  they 
bust ! 

This  iz  bliss,  glory, 
and  revenge  on  the  hafl 
shell.  A  man  leans 
back  in  rektified  com- 
fort, az  innocent  and  az 
limber  az  a  mermaid. 
This  pays  for  the 

fretful  nights  and  nervous  days  while  the   bile  haz   been 

hatching.     Exit  Biles. 


CONSULTING  TOUR  DOCTOR  ON  BILES. 


TIGHT  BOOTS. 

I  WOULD  jist  like  to  kno  who  the  man  waz  who  fust 
invented  tite  boots. 

He  must  hav  bin  a  narrow  and  kontrakted  kuss. 

If  he  still  lives,  i  hope  he  haz  repented  ov  hiz  sin,  or  Iz  en- 
joying grate  agony  ov  sum  kind. 

I  hav  bin  in  a  grate  menny  tite  spots  in  mi  life,  but  gener 
ally  could  manage  to  make  them  average ;  but  thare  iz  n< 
Bich  thing  az  making  a  pair  of  tite  boots  average. 

Enny  man  who  kan  wear  a  pair  ov  tite  ooots,  and  be  hum 
ble,  and  penitent,  and  not  indulge  profane  literature,  wili 
make  a  good  husband. 


TIGHT  BOOTS.  5\ 

Oh  !  for  the  pen  ov  departed  Wra.  Shakspear,  to  write  an 
anethema  aginst  tite  boots,  that  would  make  anshunt  Rome 
wake  up,  and  howl  agin  az  she  did  once  before  on  a  previous 
ockashun. 

Oh  !  for  the  strength  ov  Herkules,  to  tare  into  shu  strings 
all  the  tite  boots  ov  creaslmn,  and  skatter  them  tew  the  8 
Vinds  ov  heaven. 

Oh  !  for  the  buty  ov  Venus,  tew  make  a  bigg  foot  look  han- 
sum  without  a  tite  boot  on  it. 

Oh !  for  the  payshunce  ov  Job,  the  Apostle,  to  nuss  a  tite 
boot  and  bles  it,  and  even  pra  for  one  a  size  smaller  and  more 
pinchfull. 

Oh !  for  a  pair  of  boots  bigg  enuff  for  the  foot  ov  a  moun- 
tain. 

I  have  been  led  into  the  above  assortment  ov  Otis  !  from 
having  in  my  posseshun,  at  this  moment,  a  pair  ov  number 
nine  boots,  with  a  pair  ov  number  eleven  feet  in  them. 

Mi  feet  are  az  uiieazy  az  a  dog's  noze  the  fust  time  he  wears 
a  muzzle. 

I  think  mi  feet  will  eventually  choke  the  boots  to  deth. 

I  liv  in  hopes  they  will. 

I  suppozed  i  had  lived  long  enuff  not  to  be  phooled  agin  in 
this  way,  but  ihav  found  out  that  an  ounce  ov  vanity  weighs 
more  than  a  pound  ov  reazon,  espeshily  when  a  man  mistakes 
a  bigg  foot  for  a  small  one. 

Avoid  tite  boots,  mi  friend,  az  you  wrould  the  grip  of  the 
devil ;  for  menny  a  man  haz  caught  for  life  a  fust  rate  habit 
for  swareing  bi  encouraging  hiz  feet  to  hurt  hiz  boots. 

I  hav  promised  mi  two  feet,  at  least  a  dozen  ov  times  dur- 
ing mi  checkured  life,  that  they  never  should  be  strangled 
agin,  but  i  find  them  to-day  az  phull  ov  pain  az  the  stummuk 
ake  from  a  suddin  attak  ov  tite  boots. 

But  this  iz  solemly  the  last  pair  ov  tite  boots  i  will  ever 
wear  ;  i  will  hereafter  wear  boots  az  bigg  az  mi  feet,  if  i  have 
to  go  barefoot  to  do  it. 

I  am  too  old  and  too  respektable  to  be  a  phool  enny  more. 


52  ESSAYS. 

Eazy  boots  iz  one  of  the  luxurys  ov  life,  but  i  f orgit  what 
the  other  luxury  iz,  but  i  don't  kno  az  i  care,  provided  i  kan 
git  rid  ov  this  pair  ov  tite  boots 

Emiy  mau  kau  liav  them  for  seven  dollars,  just  half  what 
they  kost,  and  if  they  don't  make  his  feet  ake  wuss  than  an 
angle  worm  in  hot  ashes,  he  needn't  pay  for  them. 

Methuseles  iz  the  only  man,  that  i  kan  kail  to  mind  now 
who  could  hav  afforded  to  hav  wore  tite  boots,  and  enjoyed 
them,  he  had  a  grate  deal  ov  waste  time  tew  be  miserable  in, 
but  life  now  days,  iz  too  short,  and  too  full  ov  aktual  bizzness 
to  phool  away  enny  ov  it  on  tite  boots. 

Tite  boots  are  an  insult  to  enny  man's  understanding. 

He  who  wears  tite  boots  will  hav  too  acknowledge  the 
corn. 

Tite  boots  hav  no  bowells  or  mersy,  their  insides  are  wrath, 
and  promiskious  cussing. 

Beware  ov  tite  boots. 


THE  LAM  AKD  THE  DOYE. 

THE  lam  iz  a  juvenile  sheep. 
They  are  born  about  the  fust  ov  March,  and  menny  ov 
them  die  just  az  soon  az  green  peas  cum. 

Lam  and  green  peas  are  good,  but  not  good  for  the  lam. 

Lam  are  inn'osent  az  shrimps,  they  won't  bight,  nor  skratch, 
nor  talk  sassy. 

They  don't  kno  mutch,  only  to  skip,  turn  summersets  on 
;he  grass,  kik  up  their  heels,  pla  tag,  plauge  their  mothers  and 
hav  phun  generally. 

I  luv  the  lam,  i  even  luv  them  after  they  bekum  mutton,  i 
luv  lams  ov  all  kinds,  i  had  rather  hav  one  lam  than  4  wolfs. 
This  may  look  like  oddness  in  me,  but  it  iz  mi  sentiments 
enny  how. 

Mary  had  a  little  lam.  I  wish  i  had  a  little  lam,  and  if  i 
'u-1  a  good  deal  ov  lam  it  wouldn't  diskourage  me. 


THE  LAM  AND  THE  DUV.  53 

Mary  waz  a  good  girl — an  ornament  tew  her  sekt. 

Mary's  lam  waz  a  good  lam — an  ornament  tew  hiz  or  he* 
sekt,  i  don't  remember  which. 

It  iz  plezant  tew  reflekt  that  theze  things  are  stubborn 
fakts. 

When  a  lam  gits  thru  being  a  lam,  they  immediately  bekum 
a  sheep.  This  takes  all  the  sentiment  out  ov  them. 

There  ain't  mutch  poetry  in  mutton. 

Sheep  are  mutton. 

Mutton  iz  sumtimes  prekarious. 

"When  youth  and  iunosense  ov  enny  kindgroze  old,  itloozee 
most  all  ov  its  lamness. 

This  fakt  iz  too  well  known  tew  require  an  affldavid. 

The  lam  iz  an  artikle  ov  trade,  az  well  as  diet,  they  are 
wuth  from  four  tew  10  dollars,  ackording  tew  the  way  things 
am. 

It  iz  strange  that  so  mutch  innosense  az  the  lam  iz  possessed 
ov  should  be  for  sale. 

It  iz  jiss  so  with  most  all  the  innosense  and  purity  in  this 
world — it  iz  too  often  brought  to  the  shambles. 

I  suppoze  if  i  could  hav  mi  way,  the  lam  would  stop  grow- 
ing when  he  got  to  be  about  8  weeks  old  ;  but  then,  cum  tew 
think  ov  it,  this  would  make  mutton  awful  skarse. 

It  would  also  make  lams  dredf  ul  plenty. 

It  would  also  inkrease  wolfs  much,  for  i  hav  alwus  notissed 
since  i  begun  bizzness  in  this  world  that  just  in  perposhun  az 
lams  got  numerous,  wolfs  got  numerous  ackordin. 

The  lam  haz  a  short  tail.  Their  tails  are  not  short  bi  iia- 
tur,  but  short  bi  desighn. 

During  th eir  early  lamkinness,  in  an  unsuspekting  moment, 
and  quicker  than  litening,  their  dorsal  elongashun  iz  nipt  in 
the  bud. 

Not  to  be  mistaken  in  this  matter,  and  tew  plase  the  re- 
sponsibility jist  whare  it  belongs,  lam's  tails  are  kut  oph  bi 
man. 

This  iz  a  mean  thing  for  man  to  do ,  but  man  iz  capable  ov 
doing  dredful  mean  things,  jist  bekauze  he  iz  a  man. 


54 


ESSAYS. 


Man  aint  satisfied  tew  leave  ennything  in  this  world  az  ha 
phinds  it. 

Lams  are  ov  the  mail  and  femail  perswashun. 

Thare  are  none 


ov 


tOVF 


the  animals,  that  i 
kan  remember  ov 
now,  that  are  ov  the 
nuter  gender  except 
the  mule. 

I  hav  often  seen 
men  ov  the  nuter 
jender.  If  yu  don't 
beleave  this,  cum 
down  whare  i  liv  and 
i  will  point  them  out 
to  you. 

The  femail  lam  iz 
the  dearest  little 
package  ov  inno- 
eense  and  buty 
known  to  natralists. 
A  femail  lam  iz  mi 
pride  and  hope.  I 
luv  the  whole  entire  congregashun  ov  them.  The  mail  lam 
soon  gits  ruff.  They  hav  horns  which  burst  out  ov  their 
hods,  and  when  they  git  advanced  in  the  journey  ov  life, 
theze  horns  are  a  hard  thing  tew  kontradicket. 

I  hav  seen  an  aged  mail  lam  knock  a  2-hoss  waggon  into 
splinters  with  one  bio  ov  their  horns. 
This  iz  terrible  if  true. 

The  mail  lam  when  he  arrives  at  hiz  majority  iz  called  a  ram. 
The  lain  iz  kivvered  from  childhood  with  a  softe  coating 
called  wool,  from  whitch  cloth  iz  sed  to  be  made,  and  also  from 
whitch  yarn  iz  sed  to  be  spun. 

There  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  yarn  spun  in  this  world  that  haa 
uo  wool  in  it ;  theze  yarns  are  called  phibs. 


THE    LAM   AND    DUV. 


THE  DUV.  55 

Phibs  are  not  konsidered  feroshus.  A  phib  iz  a  lie  painted 
in  water  kullers. 

Thare  haz  been  more  phibs  in  market  since  tbe  formashun 
ov  man  than  thare  liaz  been  truth. 

Phibs  are  often  ingenious,  sometimes  quite  pretty,  but  are 
alwus  dangerous. 

Phibs  are  sumtimes  a  grate  deal  more  plauzable  than  truth. 

Look  out  for  them. 

Phibbers  hav  been  known  tew  bekum  liars,  just  az  hot  lem- 
onade drinker  >,  with  a  leetle  port  wine  in  it  just  for  elfekt,  hav 
been  known  tew  bekum  our  most  reliable  whiskee  drinkers. 


THE  DUV. 

THE  duv  iz  the  lam  amung  birds. 
They  are  az  harmless  az  a  dandy  lion. 

They  don't  do  enny  hard  work,  but  eat  oats  and  bill  and 
coo. 

They  luv  each  other  like  a  nu  married  kupple. 

The  duv  alwus  hav  a  good  appetight ;  they  will  eat  from 
dalite  tew  dark  and  seem  tew  be  sorry  they  didn't  eat  sum 
more. 

They  are  a  long  lived  biird,  and  like  the  bumble  bee,  are  the 
biggest  when  they  are  born. 

I  never  knu  a  duv  tew  la  down,  and  di  ov  old  age. 

They  are  very  thrifty,  they  will  inkrease  phaster  than  tbe 
multiplikashun  table. 

They  are  like  the  meazles,  if  yu  hav  them  at  all,  yu  hav 
got  tew  hav  a  good  menny  ov  them'. 

The  duv  haz  existed  a  long  time,  and  was  one  ov  Xoahg 
pets,  when  lie  sailed. 

The  fust  duv  he  sent  out  ov  the  ark.  brought  bak  an  olive 


56  ESSAYS. 

branch,  and  the  next  time  he  sent  her  out,  she  didn't  bring 
bak  enny  thing. 

She  even  forgot  tew  cnm  bak  herself. 

Noah  had  but  one  pair  ov  each  breed  ov  duvs  in  the  ark, 
and  the  one  he  sent  out,  and  the  one  lie  had  on  hand,  must 
hav  found  each  other,  this  explains  the  lov,  and  effekshun,  ov 
the  duv. 

The  duv  iz  more  ornamental  than  useful. 

They  are  too  inosent  tew  be  very  useful. 

Smntimes  too  mutch  inosense  interferes  with  bizzness. 

I  hav  known  haff  a  dozen  duvs  tew  git  into  a  pie  together, 
and  make  themselves  useful  for  a  fu  minnitts. 

I  don't  hate  duv  pies. 

The  duv  hav  alwuss  been  a  kard  tew  define  inosense. 

The  bible  tells  us,  "  to  be  az  wize  az  a  sarpent,  but  harmless 
as  a  duv." 

This  iz  fust  rate  advice,  but  it  means  live  bizzness. 

Enny  boddy  who  iz  az  wise  az  a  sarpent,  kan  afford  tew  be 
az  harmless  az  a  duv. 

The  rite  mixtur  ov  duv  and  sarpient  in  a  man's  natur  iz  a 
good  dose. 

If  a  man  liaz  got  too  much  snaik  in  him,  he  iz  liable  tew 
overdo  things,  and  if  he  haz  got  too  mutch  duv  in  him,  he 
aint  apt  tew  cook  things  enuif. 

The  duv  iz  a  homemade  kritter ;  they  are  as  effeckshionate 
as  a  cockroach  Jz. 

The  nearer  they  kan  liv  tew  whare  man  duz,  the  more  they 
are  apt  tew  do  it. 

Lams  and  duvs  hav  a  grate  menny  weak  points ;  but  i 
wouldn't  like  enny  better  phun  than  tew  liv  whar  thare  want 
ennything  else  but  duvs  and  lams.  But  this  place  aint  laid 
down  on  enny  of  the  maps  in  this  world. 

Hawks  and  wolfs  hav  made  the  duv  and  lam  trade  dredf ui 
unsartin. 

I  guess,  after  all,  that  the  evil  things  in  this  life  help  tew 
make  the  good  things  more  desirable,  and  all  things  that  are 
natral  must  be  right,  be  they  lam,  duv,  wolf  or  sarpient. 


THE  OLD  BACHELOR.  5"J 

THE  OLD  BACHELOR. 

ACHRONICK  old  bachelor  iz  iiivaribly  ov    the   nutei 
gender,  i  don't  care  how  rnutch  he  may  offer  tew  bet 
that  it  ain't  so. 

They  are  like  dried  apples  on  a  string,  want  a  good  deal  ov 
soaking  before  they  will  do  to  use. 

I  suppose  thare  iz  sum  ov  them  who  hav  a  good  excuse  fc/ 
their  nuterness ;  menny  ov  them  are  too  stingy  tew  marry  ; 
this  iz  one  ov  the  best  excuses  i  kno  ov,  for  a  stingy  man  ain't 
fit  to  hav  a  nice  woman. 

Sum  old  bachelors  gits  after  a  flirt,  and  kan't  travel  az  fast 
az  she  duz,  and  then  konklude  all  the  female  group  are  hard 
tew  ketch,  and  good  for  nothing  when  they  are  ketched. 

A  flirt  iz  a  tuft'  thing  to  overhaul,  unless  the  right  dog 
gits  after  her,  and  they  are  the  eazyest  ov  all  tew  ketch,  and 
often  make  the  best  ov  wives. 

When  a  flirt  really  falls  in  love,  she  iz  az  powerless  az  a 
mown  daizy. 

Her  impudence  then  changes  into  modesty,  her  cunning  in- 
to fear,  her  spurs  into  a  halter,  and  her  pruning-hook  into  a 
cradle. 

The  best  way  to  ketch  a  flirt  iz  to  travel  the  other  way 
from  which  they  are  going,  or  set  down  on  the  grass  and 
whissell  sum  lively  tune  till  the  flirt  cums  round. 

Old  bachelors  make  the  flirts,  and  then  the  flirts  git  moro 
than  even,  by  making  the  old  bachelors. 

A  majority  ov  the  flirts  get  married  finally,  for  they  have 
a  grate  quantity  ov  the  most  dainty  titbits  ov  woman's  natur, 
and  alwus  hav  shrewdness  tew  back  up  their  sweetness. 

Flirts  don't  deal  in  poetry  and  water  grewel ;  they  hav  got 
tew  hav  brains,  or  else  sumboddy  would  trade  them  out  ov 
their  capital  at  the  fust  swop. 

Thare  iz  sicli  a  thing  (i  hav  bin  told  hi  thoze  who  know  sum 
more  ov  theze  things  than  i  do,)  az  old  bachelors  being  mail- 
tifackterd  out  ov  dissapointed  love. 

This  iz  a  good  deal  az  sensible,  az  a  manrs  staying   jut  ii 


58  ESSAYS. 

\ 

the  cold  all  night,  on  the  wrong  side  ov  a  river,  bekauze  he 
haz  made  up  hiz  mind  tew  ford  it,  in  jist  sich  a  place  whare 
he  knows  the  water  iz  over  hiz  lied,  when  if  he  would  go  a 
little  further  up  or  down  the  creek,  he  would  find  the  cross- 
ing easy,  and  a  sweet  little  critter,  with  outstretched  hands  to 
beckon  him  aerost. 

Dissapoi.nted  luv  must-ov  course  be  all  on  one  side,  and 
this  ain't  enny  more  excuse  for  being  an  old  bachelor  than 
it  iz  for  a  man  tew  quit  all  kind  ov  manual  labor,  jist  out  ov 
spite,  and  jine  a  poor  house,  bekauze  he  kant  lift  a  ton  at  one 

POP- 
Old  bachelors,  others  tell  us,  are  made  so  bekauze  they 

fear  the  burden  ov  a  family. 

This  would  be  a  good  excuse  if  there  waz  enny  truth  in  it ; 
the  fackt  iz,  if  such  men  had  a  family,  they  would  be  the 
grasshoppers  themselfs  that  the  bible  speaks  ov,  as  weighing 
so  mutch  to  the  pound. 

An  old  bachelor  will  brag  about  hiz  freedum  to  you,  hiz 
relief  from  anxiety,  hiz  independance.  This  iz  a  dead  beat 
past  ressurrection,  for  evryboddy  knows  there  ain't  a  more 
anxious  dupe  on  earth  than  he  iz.  All  hiz  dreams  are  char- 
cole  sketches,  ov  boarding-school  misses ;  he  dresses,  greases 
hiz  hair,  paints  hiz  grizzly  mustash,  cultivates  bunyons  and 
corns,  tew  pleese  hiz  captains,  the  wiinrnin,  and  only  gits 
laffed  at  for  hiz  pains. 

I  tried  being  an  old  bachelor  till  i  waz  about  twenty  years 
old,  and  cum  very  near  dicing  a  dozen  times.  I  had  more 
sharp  pain  in  one  year  than  i  have  had  since,  put  it  all  in  a 
heap  ;  i  waz  in  a  lively  fever  all  the  time. 

If  a  man  haint  got  ennything  in  hiz  natur  but  vanity  and 
self-love,  he  iz  very  apt  tew  want  to  be  an  old  bachelor,  and 
generally  makes  a  good  specimen  ov  the  critters ;  but  what 
more  disgusting  traits  can  a  man  have  than  these  ? — and  thare 
iz  no  stronger  argument  in  favor  ov  gitting  married  than  the 
fackt  that  thare  aint  nothing  that  will  kure  theze  komplaints 
so  thoroly  az  a  wife  and  fifteen  or  twenty  babes. 

There  iz  only  one  person  who  haz  inhabited  this  world  thus 


HORNS.  59 

far,  that  i  think  could  hav  hin  an  old  bachelor  and  done  the 
subjekt  justiss,  and  he  \vaz  Adam;  but  since  Adam  saw  tit  to 
open  the  ball,  i  hold  it  iz  every  man's  duty  to  selekt  a  part- 
ner, and  keep  the  dance  hot. 


HORNS. 

IX  writing  the  biographi  ov  horrid,  i  am  astonished  tew 
find  so  menny  ov  them,  and  so  entirely  different  in  their 
pedigree  and  pretenslmns. 

"  Cape  Horn" — Cape  Horn  iz  the  biggest  horn  known  to 
man. 

It  iz  a  native  ov  the  extreme  bottom  ov  South  Amerika, 
and  gores  the  oslmn. 

Cape  Horn  iz  hollow,  and  akts  az  a  phunnell  for  the  winds, 
\vhich  hurry  thru  it  in  mutch  haste,  cauzing  the  waters  ov  the 
sea  for  a  grate  distance  tew  bekum  crazy,  which  frightens 
the  vessells  that  go  by  thare,  and  makes  them  rare  and  pitch 
tremenjus. 

This  horn  iz  like  a  sour  old  bull  in  the  hiway,  and  dont 
seem  tew  be  ov  enny  use,  only  tew  make  folks  go  out  ov 
their  way  tew  git  round  it. 

"Horn  ov  a  dilemma." — Dilemma  iz  derived  from  the 
Siamese  verb  "  diloss"  which  means  a  tite  spot,  and  haz  a 
horn  on  each  end  ov  it. 

Thare  iz  no  choice  in  theze  two  horns ;  if  yu  seize  one  ov 
them  the  other  may  perforate  yu,  and  if  yu  dont  take  either 
both  of  them  may  pitch  into  you. 

I  always  avoid  them  if  possible,  but  when  possibility  gives 
out,  mi  rule  iz  tew  shut  up  both  eyes,  and  lite  both  prongs 
with  mi  whole  grit. 

Nine  times  out  ov  ten  this  will  smash  a  dilemma,  and  it  iz 
alwus  a  good  fite  if  yu  git  licked  the  tenth. 

Yu  leant  argy  or  reason  with  the  horn  ov  a  dilemma,  the 
only  way  iz  tew  advance  in  and  tight  for  the  gross  amount. 

"  Cow's  Horn" — Two  bony  projeckslmns,  curved,  crooked 


60 


ESSAYS. 


or  strate,  worn  bi  the  cows  on  the  apeks  of  their  heds,  foi 
ornament  in  times  ov  peace,  and  used  when  they  go  into  wal 
tew  stab  with. 

Theze  horns  are  a  kind  ov  family  rechord. 
At  three  years  old  a  ring  appears  on  the  bottom  ov  the 
horn  next  tew  the  hed,  and  each  year  after  a  fresh  ring  iz 
born. 

In  this  way  the  cows  kno  how  old  they  are. 
Suintimes  theze  rings  fill  up  the  whole  horn  and  grow  off 
onto  the  adjoining  fences  in  the  pasture  lot,  but  this  only 

happens  tew  very   old 
cows. 

I  never  knu  it  tew 
happen  in  mi  life,  and 
I  dont  think  it  ever 
did,  it  iz  one  ov  them 
venerable  lies  that  are 
handed  down  from 
father  to  eon,  just  tew 
keep  the  stock  ov  lies 
from  running  out. 

When  I  waz  a  boy 
and  had  just  -begun 
tew  chew  tobacco,  i 
waz  told  that  butter 
cum  from  the  cow's 
horn  —  I  hav  since 
found  out  that  this  iz 
another  cussed  old  lie. 
This  lieing  tew  children  iz  no  evidence  ov  genius,  and  iz 
sowing  the  seeds  ov  decepshun  in  a  soil  too  apt  bi  nature  tew 
covet  what  aint  undoubtedly  so. 

"  Dinner-Horn" — This  is  the  oldest,  and  most  sakred  horn 
thare  iz.  It  iz  set  tew  musik,  and  plays  "Home,  Sweet 
Home"  about  noon.  It  has  bin  listened  tew,  with  more 
rapturous  delite,  than  ever  Graffula's  band  haz.  Yu  kai> 
hear  it  further  than  yu  kan  one  ov  Mr.  Rodman's  guns.  Ir 


IK  A  HORN. 


HORNS.  61 

will  arrest  a  man  and  bring  him  in  quicker  than  a  sheriffs 
warrent.  It  kan  ontfoot  enny  other  noize.  It  kauzes  the 
deaf  tew  hear,  and  the  dum  tew  shout  for  joy.  Glorious  old 
instrument !  long1  may  yure  lungs  last ! 

"  Rani's  Horn." — A  spiral  root,  that  emerges  suddenly 
from  the  figure  hed  ov  the  maskuline  sheep,  and  ramafies 
untill  it  reaches  a  tip  end.  Ram's  horns  are  alwus  a  sure 
sighn  ov  battle.  They  are  used  tew  butt  with,  but  with  out 
enny  respekt  to  persons.  They  will  attak  a  stun  wall,  or  a 
deakon  or  an  established  church.  A  story  iz  told  ov  old 
deakon  Fletcher  ov  Ivonnektikutt  State,  who  waz  digging  post 
holes  in  a  ram  pasture  on  hiz  farm,  and  the  moshun  ov  hiz 
"boddy  waz  looked  upon,  by  the  old  ram,  who  fed  in  the  lot. 
az  a  banter  for  a  fight. 

Without  arrangeing  enny  terms  for  the  fight,  the  ram 
went  incontinently  for  the  deakon,  and  took  him,  the  fust 
shot,  on  the  blind  side  ov  hiz  boddy,  jist  about  the  meridian. 

The  blow  transposed  the  deakon  sum  eighteen  feet,  with  a 
heels-over-hed  moshun. 

Exhasperated  tew  a  point,  at  least  ten  foot  beyond  endurance, 
the  deakon  jumped  up,  and  skreamed  his  whole  voice  *  *  * 
"  yu  darned — old  cuss,"  and  then  all  at  once  remembering 
that  he  waz  a  good,  piuz  deakon,  he  apologized  by  saying — 
•'  that  iz,  if  I may  be  allowed  the  expresshun" 

The  deakon  haz  mi  entire  simpathy  for  the  remarks  ma*1 
tew  the  ram. 

"  Whisky  Horn." — This  horn  varys  in  length,  but  fron. 
three  to  six  inches  iz  the  favorite  size. 

It  iz  different  from  other  horns,  being  ov  a  fluid  natur. 

It  iz  really  more  pugnashus  than  the  ram's  horn;  six 
inches  ov  it  will  knok  a  man  perfekly  calm. 

When  it  knoks  a  man  down  it  holds  him  thare. 

It  iz  either  the  principal  or  the  sekond  in  most  all  the 
Iniquity  that  iz  travelling  around. 

It  makes  brutes  of  men,  demons  of  wirnmin  and  vagrants 
of  children. 

It  haz  drawn   more  tears,  broken  more  hearts  and  blited 


62  ESSAYS. 

more  hopes  than  all  the  other  agencys  of  the  devil  put 
together. 

"  Horn  Comb?* — This  simple  little  unsophistikated  instru- 
ment, haz  beheaded  countless  legions  or  innocent  children. 

I  don't  mean  that  it  haz  cut  oph  their  heads,  but  that  it 
haz  cut  its  way  thru  the  hirsute  embossing  that  adorns  their 
skalps. 

It  haz  two  rows  of  sharp  teeth,  and  always  haz  a  good 
appetite. 

It  iz  always  az  ready  for  a  job  az  a  village  lawyer,  and  iz 
az  thorough  az  a  sarch  warrent. 

It  iz  an  emblem  of  faith  and  neatness. 

When  it  gits  old  and  looses  its  teeth  it  should  be  cherished, 
hung  up  and  labeled,  "  Well  done  old  mouser." 

I  always  look  upon  an  old  and  worn  out  horn  tooth  comb 
with  a  species  ov  venerashun,  bordering  on  melankolly.  It 
reminds  me  ov  mi  boyhood,  aud  the  boyish  things  that  waz 
running  through  mi  head  in  thoze  days  ov  simplicity  and 
innocence. 

Tliare  iz  a  grate  menny  other  kinds  ov  horns,  but  I  haint 
got  the  time  to  tell  yu  all  about  them  now.  Tliare  iz  the 
"  Powder  Horn,"  the  "  Horn  ov  the  Bull  Head,"  and  the 
"Horn  ov  Plenty;"  and  there  iz  also  "Horn  Tooke,"  a 
celebrated  writer  ov  hiz  day ;  but  good-by  for  the  present. 


KISSING. 

I  HAY  written  essays  on  kissing  before  this  one,  and  they 
didn't  satisfy  me,  nor  dew  I  think  this  one  will,  for  the 
more  a  man  undertakes  tew  tell  about  a  kiss,  the  more  he  will 
reduce  his  ignorance  tew  a  science. 

Yu  kant  analize  a  kiss  enny  more  than  yu  kan  the  breath  ov 
a  flower.  Yu  kant  tell  what  makes  a  kiss  taste  so  good  enny 
more  than  yu  kan  a  peach. 

Enny  man  who  kan  set  down,  whareit  is  cool,  and  tell  how 


KISSING.  03 

a  kiss  tastes,  liaint  got  enny  more  real  flavor  tew  his  mouth 
than  a  knot  hole  haz.  Such  a  phellow  wouldn't  hesitate  tew 
deskribe  Paridise  as  a  fust  rate  place  for  gardin  sass.  . 

The  only  way  tew  diskribe  a  kiss  is  tew  take  one,  and  then 
set  down,  awl  alone,  out  ov  the  draft,  and  smack  yure  lips. 

If  yu  kant  satisfy  yureself  how  a  kiss  tastes  without  taking 
another  one,  how  on  arth  kan  you  define  it  tew  the  next  man. 

I  hav  heard  writers  talk  about  the  egstatick  bliss  thare  waz 
iu  a  kiss,  and  they  really  seemed  tew  think  they  knew  all  about 
it,  but  these  are  the  same  kind  ov  folks  who  perspire  and  kry 
when  they  read  poetry,  and  they  fall  to  writing  sum  ov  their 
own,  and  think  they  hav  found  out  how. 

I  want  it  understood  that  I  am  talking  about  pure  emotional 
kissing,  that  is  born  in  the  heart,  and  flies  tew  the  lips,  like  a 
hummingbird  tew  her  roost. 

I  am  not  talking  about  your  lazy,  milk  and  molasses  kissing, 
that  daubs  the  face  ov  enny  body,  nor  yure  savage  bite, 
that  goes  around,  like  a  roaring  lion,  in  search  ov  sumthing 
to  eat. 

Kissing  an  unwilling  pair  ov  lips,  iz  az  mean  a  viktory,  az 
robbin  a  bird's  nest,  and  kissing  too  willing  ones  iz  about 
az  unfragant  a  recreation,  az  making  boquets  out  ov  dande- 
lions. 

The  kind  ov  kissing  that  I  am  talking  about  iz  the  kind 
that  must  do  it,  or  spile. 

If  yu  sarch  the  rekords  ever  so  lively,  yu  kant  find  the  au 
thor  ov  the  first  kiss ;  kissing,  like  mutch  other  good  things,  vz 
anonymous. 

But  thare  iz  such  natur  in  it,  sitch  a  world  ov  language 
without  words,  sitch  a  heap  ov  pathos  without  fuss,  so  much 
honey,  and  so  little  water,  so  cheap,  so  sudden,  and  so  neat  a 
mode  of  striking  up  an  acquaintance,  that  i  consider  it  a  good 
purchase,  that  Adam  giv,  and  got,  the  fust  kiss. 

Who  kan  imagin  a  grater  lump  ov  earthly  bliss,  reduced  tew 
a  finer  thing,  than  kissing  the  only  woman  on  earth,  in  the 
garden  of  Eden. 

Adnm  wan't  the  man,  i  don't  beleave,  tew  pass  sich  a  hand 


64:  ESSAYS. 

I  may  be  wrong  in  mi  konklusions,  but  if  enny  boddy  kan 
date  kissing  further  back,  i  would  like  tew  see  them  do  it. 

I  don't  know  whether  the  old  stoick  philosophers  ever  kist 
eimy  boddy  or  not,  if  they  did,  they  probably  did  it,  like 
drawing  a  theorem  on  a  black  board,  more  for  the  purpose  of 
proving  sumthing  else. 

I  do  hate  to  see  this  delightful  and  invigorating  beverage 
adulturated,  it  iz  nektar  for  the  gods,  i  am  often  obliged  tew 
stand  still,  and  see  kissing  did,  and  not  say  a  word,  that  haint 
got  enny  more  novelty,  nor  meaning  in  it,  than  throwing 
stones  tew  a  mark. 

I  saw  two  maiden  ladys  kiss  yesterday  on  the  north  side  ov 
Union  square,  5  times  in  less  than  10  miunitts ;  they  kist  every 
time  they  bid  each  other  farewell,  and  then  immediately 
thought  ov  sumthing  else  they  hadn't  sed.  I  couldn't  tell  for 
the  life  ov  me  whether  the  kissing  waz  the  effekt  ov  what 
they  sed,  or  what  they  sed  waz  the  effekt  ov  the  kissing.  It 
\vaz  a  which,  and  tother,  scene. 

Cross-matched  kissing  iz  undoubtedly  the  strength  ov  the 
game.  It  iz  trew  thare  iz  no  stattu  regulashun  aginst  two 
females  kissing  each  other ;  but  i  don't  think  thare  iz  much 
pardon  for  it,  unless  it  iz  done  to  keep  tools  in  order ;  and 
two  men  kissing  each  other  iz  prima  face  evidence  ov  dead- 
beatery. 

Kissing  that  passes  from  parent  to  child,  and  back  agin 
seems  to  be  az- necessary  az  shinplasters,  to  do  bizzness  with  ; 
and  kissing  that  hussbands  give  and  take  iz  simply  gathering 
ripe  fruit  from  ones  own  plumb  tree,  that  would  otherwise 
drop  oph,  or  be  stolen. 

Tharefore  i  am  driv  tew  konklude,  tew  git  out  ov  the  corner 
that  mi  remarks  hav  chased  me  into,  that  the  ile  ov  a  kiss  iz 
only  tew  be  had  once  in  a  phellow's  life,  in  the  original  pack- 
age, and  that  iz  when  .  .  . 

Not  tew  waste  the  time  ov  the  reader,  i  hav  thought  best 
not  tew  finish  the  abuv  sentence,  hoping  that  their  aint  no 
person  ov  a  good  edukashun,  and  decent  memory,  but  what 
kan  reckolekt  the  time  which  i  refer  to,  without  enny  ov  mi 
help. 


WHAT  I  KNO  ABOUT  PHARMING. 

«  WHAT  I  KNO  ABOUT  PHARMLSTG.' 


65 


"VTTTIAT  i  kno  about  pharmin,  iz  kussid  little. 

T  T  Mi  buzzum  friend,  Horace  Greely,  haz  rit  a  book  with 
the  abuv  name,  and  altho  i  haven't  had  time  tew  peerose  it 
,yet,  i  don't  hesitate  tew  pronounse  it  bully. 

Pharmin,  (now  daze)  iz  pretty  much  all  theory,  and  thare- 
fore  it  aint  astonishing,  that  a  man  kan  live  in  New  York, 
and  be  a  good  chancery  lawyer,  and  al  so  kno  all  about  pharm- 
ing. 

A  pharm,(now  daze)  ov  one  hundred  akers,  will  produse 
more  bukwheat,  and 
pumkins,  run  on  the- 
ory, than  it  would  60 
years  ago,  run  with 
manure,  and  hard 
knoks. 

Thare  iz  nothing  like 
book  laming,  and  the 
time  will  evventually 
cum,  when  a  man, 
won't  hav  tew  hav  only 
one  ov  "  Josh  Billing's 
Farmers^  Allmanax" 
to  run  a  farm,  or  a 
kamp  meeting  with. 

Even  now  it  aint 
unkommon,  tew  see 
three,  or  four,  hired 
men,  on  a  farm,  with 

-  OLt\J  T9  J..HIJ. 

three,  or  four,  spans  ov 

oxen,  all  standing  still,  while  the  boss  goes  into  the  library, 

and  reads  himself  up  for  the  days'  ploughing. 

If  i  was  running  a  pharm,  (now  daze)  i  suppoze  i  would 
rather  hav  36  bushels,  ov  sum  nu  breed  ov  potatoze,  raized 
on  theory,  than  tew  hav  84  bushels,  got  in  the  mean,  benighted, 
and  underhanded  way,  ov  our  late  lamented  grand  parents. 


36  ESSAYS. 

Pharmin,  after  all,  iz  a  good  deal  like  the  tavern  bizzness, 
ennyboddy  thinks  they  kan  keep  a  hotel,  (now  daze,)  and 
they  kan,  but  this  iz  the  way  that  poor  hotels  cum  tew  be  so 
plenty,  and  this  iz  likewize  what  makes  pharmin  such  eazy, 
and  proffitable  bizzness. 

Just  take  the  theory  out  ov  pharming,  and  thare  aint  noth- 
ing left,  but  hard  work,  and  all  fired  lite  krops. 

When  i  see  so  mutch  pholks,  rushing  into  theory  pharming, 
az  thare  iz,  (now  daze)  and  so  menny  ov  them  rushing  out 
agin,  i  think  ov  that  remarkable  piece  ov  skriptur,  which 
remarks,  "  menny  are  called,  but  few  are  chosen." 

I  onst  took  a  pharm,  on  shares  miself,  and  run  her  on  sum 

theorys,  and  the  thing  figured  up  this  way,  i  dun  all  the  work. 

7  hurnished  all  the  seed,  and  manure,  had  the  ague  9  months, 

/ut  of  12,  for  mi  share  ov  the  proffits,  and  the  other  phellow, 

paid  the  taxes  on  the  pharm,  for  hiz  share. 

By  mutual  konsent,  i  quit  the  farm,  at  the  end  of  the 
year. 

What  i  kno  about  pharmin,  aint  wuth  bragging  about,  and 
i  feel  it  mi  duty  to  state,  for  the  benefit  ov  mi  kreditors,  that 
if  they  ever  expekt  me  tew  pay  5  cents  on  a  dollar,  they  musn't 
start  me  in  the  theoretikal  pharmin  employ. 

If  a  man  really  iz  anxious  tew  make  inunny  on  a  pharm, 
the  less  theory  he  lays  in  the  better,  and  he  must  do  pretty 
mutch  all  the  work  hisself,  and  support  hiz  family  on  what 
he  kant  sell,  and  go  ragged  enuff  all  the  time  tew  hunt  bees. 

1  kno  ov  menny  farmers,  who  are  so  afflikted  with  supcr- 
stishun,  that  they  wont  plant  a  single  bean,  only  in  the  last 
quarter  of  the  moon,  and  i  kno  ov  others  so  pregnant  with 
science,  that  they  wont  set  a  gate  post,  until  they  hav  had 
the  ground  analized,  bi  sum  professor  ov  anatomy,  te\v  see 
if  the  earth  haz  got  the  right  kind  of  ingredience  for  post- 
holes. 

This  iz  what  i  call  running  science  into  the  ground. 

The  fakt  ov  it  iz,  that  theorys,  ov  all  kind,  work  well, 
except  in  praktiss :  they  are  too  often  designed  tew  do  the 
work  ov  praktiss. 


WHAT  I  KNOW  ABOUT  FHARMING.  67 

Thare  aint  no  theory  in  brakeing  a  mule,  only  tew  go  at 
trim,  with  a  klub  in  jure  hand,  and  sum  blood  in  yure  eye, 
and  brake  him,  just  as  yu  would  split  a  log. 

What  i  kno  about  pharming,  aint  wtiih  mutch  enny  how, 
6ut  I  undertook  ten  brake  a  kicking  heifer  once. 

I  read  a  treatiss  on  the  subjekt,  and  pliollowed  the  direk- 
shuns  cluss,  and  got  knokt  endwaze,  in  about  5  minnits. 

I  then  sot  down,  and  thought  the  thing  over. 

T  made  up  mi  mind  that  the  phellow  who  wrote  the  treat- 
iss waz  more  in  the  treatiss  bizzness  than  he  wax  in  the  kick- 
ing heifer  trade. 

I  cum  tew  the  kouklushun  that  what  he  knu  about  milking 
kikiug  heifers,  he  had  larnt  by  leaning  over  a  barn  yard  fence, 
and  writing  the  thing  up. 

I  got  up  from  my  reflekshuns  strengthened,  and  went  for 
that  heifer. 

I  will  draw  a  veil  over  the  language  i  used,  and  the  things 
i  did,  but  i  went  in  to  win,  and  won. 

That  heifer  never  bekum  a  cow. 

This  iz  one  way  tew  brake  a  kicking  heifer,  and  after  a  man 
haz  studdyed  all  the  books  in  kreashun  on  the  subjek,  and 
tried  them  on,  he  will  fall  back  onto  mi  plan,  and  make  up 
hiz  mind,  az  i  did,  that  a  kicking  heifer  iz  wuth  more  for  beef 
than  she  iz  for  theoretick  milk. 

I  hav  worked  on  a  pliarm  just  long  enuff  tew  kno  that 
tharc  iz  no  prayers  so  good  for  poor  land  az  manure,  and  no 
theory  kan  beat  twelve  hours  each  day,  (sundaze  excepted)  of 
honest  labour  applied  tew  the  sile. 

I  am  an  old  phashioned  phellow,  and  hartily  hate  most  nu 
things,  bekivuze  i  hav  bin  beat  bi  them  so  often. 

O     ' 

I  never  knu  a  pharm  that  waz  worked  pretty  mutch  by  the- 
ory, but  what  waz  for  sale,  or  to  let,  in  a  f u  years,  and  i  never 
knu  a  pharm  that  waz  worked  by  manure,  and  muscle,  on  the 
good  old  ignorant  way  ov  our  ansestors,  but  what  waz  handed 
down,  from  father  to  son,  and  alwus  waz  noted  for  razing 
brawny  armed  boys,  and  bnxom  lasses,  and  fust  rate  potatoze 

"What  i  kno  about  pharmin,  iz  nothing  but  experiense,  and 
experiense,  (now  daze,)  aint  wuth  a  kuss. 


t>8  ESSAYS. 

I  had  rather  hav  a  good  looking  theory,  tew  ketch  flats  withj 
than  the  experiense — even  ov  Methuseler. 

Experiense  iz  a  good  thing  tew  lay  down  and  die  with,  but 
y  n  kant  do  no  big  bizzness  with  it,  (now  daze.)  it  aint  hot  ennff. 

Giv  me  a  red  hot  humbug,  and  i  kan  make  most  ov  the 
experiense,  in  this  world  ashamed  ov  itself. 


QUESTIONS   AND   ANSWEKS. 

QU. — Did  you  ever  see  an  old  horce,  holler-eyed  and  bony, 
limp-legged  and  pur-blind,  kivvered  with  a  gold-plated 
harniss  and  waited  upon  by  a  spruce  postillion,  and  a  liveryed 
coachman  ? 

Ans. — Yes  i  hav,  and  i  hav  seen  old  age  put  on  pomposity, 
hobble  in  brocade,  command  reverance,  exult  with  pride  and 
grin  with  pain,  and  i  hav  sed  tew  myself  "  poor  old  hoss." 

Qu. — Did  yu  ever  hear  phools,  and  even  wise  men  say 
that  life  waz  short,  that  deth  waz  certain,  that  happiness  waz 
skase  ? 

Ans. — I  have  herd  theze  remarks  quite  often,  but  i  never 
herd  a  bizzy  man  find  enny  fault  with  the  length  of  life,  nor 
a  pure  one  regret  that  deth  waz  a  sure  thing,  nor  a  vartuous 
one  konplain  about  the  high  price  of  happiness. 

Qu. — Did  you  ever  hear  an  old  maid  prattle  about  the 
falsity  ov  man,  the  grate  risk  thare  waz  in  having  one,  the 
bliss  thare  waz  in  being  boss  ov  one's  self  ? 

Ans. — It  seems  tew  me  that  i  hav,  and  i  have  alwus  felt  az 
tho  the  old  virgin  waz  taking  medicine  awl  the  time  she  was 
saying  it. 

Qu. — Iz  thare  enny  vacancy  at  present  for  a  man  in  polite 
sirkles,  who  didn't  hav  a  ritch  daddy,  or  who  hadn't  bored 
suckcessfully  for  ile  himself? 

Ans. — If  we  hear  ov  enny  sutch  opening  we  will  telegraif 
yn  at  once,  but  jist  now,  the  way  things  are  run,  a  man  with 
:  cedy  garments  on  would  even  git  kicked  out  ov  a  fust  klass 
meeting  house,  and  be  put  under  10  thousand  dollar  bond? 


WHISSLLNG.  69 

tew  keep  the  peace.  Our  advice  tew  a  poor,  but  virtewous 
individual,  would  be  tew  take  hiz  virtew  under  Liz;  arm,  keep 
shady,  arid  let  the  polite  sirkles  chew  each  other. 

Qu. — Kan  a  young  man  without  enny  mustash  git  a  situa- 
tion in  Nu  York  Sitty  ? 

Ans. — Yes,  but  it  would  probably  be  in  the  station-house. 
Yung  men  without  enny  mustash  are  looked  upon  with  sus- 
picion, and  yu  will  find,  if  yu  put  them  under  oath,  that  they 
either  haint  got  ennything  but  common  sense,  or  they  are 
too  stingy  to  buy  a  bottle  ov  "  Bolivards's  oil  ov  seduktion," 
warranted  tew  fetch  hair,  or  tare  oph  the  lip. 

Qu. — Kan  yu  inform  me  the  best  way  that  haz  yet  been 
invented  yet  to  bring  up  a  boy  ? 

Ans. — Giv  me  10  dollars  and  i  will  tell  you.  But  here  is 
a  recipee  that  i  giv  away.  Bring  up  your  boy  in  fear  ov  the 
rod  and  a  gin  mill. 

Qu. — Iz  thare  enny  kure  for  natral  laziness,  whare  it  iz  a 
part  ov  a  man's  constitushun  and  bye  laws  ? 

Ans. — Only  one  kure,  that  iz,  milk  a  cow  on  the  run,  and 
subsist  on  the  milk. 

Qu. — How  fast  duz  sound  travel  ? 

Ans. — This  depends  a  good  deal  upon  the  natur  ov  the 
noize  yu  are  talking  about.  The  sound  ov  a  dinner  horn  for 
insfance  travels  a  half  a  mile  in  a  seckond,  while  an  invita- 
shun  tew  git  up  in  the  morning  I  hav  known  to  be  3  quarters 
ov  an  hour  going  up  two  pair  ov  stairs,  and  then  not 
strength  enuif  left  tew  be  heard. 


WHISSLING. 

I  HAV  spent  a  grate  deal  ov  sarching,  and  sum  money,  tew 
find  out  who  waz  the  first  whissler,  but  up  tew  now  i  am 
just  az  mutch  uncivilized  on  the  subjekt  az  i  waz. 

I  lean  tell  who  played  on  the  first  juice  harp,  and  who  beat 
the  fust  tin  pan,  and  i  kno  the  year  the  harp  ov  a  thousan  1 


ESSAYS. 


strings  waz  diskovered  in,  but  when  whisslirig  waz  an  infant, 
iz  az  hard  for  me  tew  say.  az  mi  prayers  in  lo  dutch. 

Wliissling  iz  a  wind 
instrument,  and  iz  did 
bi  puckring  up  the 
mouth,  and  blowing 
through  the  hole. 

Thare  aint  no  tune 
on  the  whole  earth 
but  what  kan  be 
played  on  this  instru- 
ment, and  that  sele- 
b rated  old  tune, 
Yankeedoodle  haz  bin 
almost  whissled  tew 
deth. 

Grate  thinkers  are 
not  apt  tew  be  good 
whisslers,  in  fakt, 
when  a  man  kant 
think  o  v  nothing, 
then  he  begins  tew  whissell.  We  seldom  see  a  raskal  wrho  iz 
a  good  whissler,  thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  honor  bright,  in  a 
sharp,  well  puckered  whissell. 

Good  whisslers  are  gitting  skarse,  75  years  ago  they  waz 
plenty,  but  the  desire  tew  git  ritch,  or  tew  hold  offiss,  haz 
took  the  pucker  out  ov  this  honest,  and  cheerful  amuzement. 
If  i  had  a  boy,  who  couldn't  whissell,  i  don't  want  tew  be 
understood,  thati  should  feel  at  liberty,  tew  giv  the  boy  up 
for  lost,  but  i  would  mutch  rather  he  would  kno  how  tew 
whissell  fust  rate,  than  to  kno  how  tew  play  a  seckond  rate 
game  ov  kards. 

I  wouldn't  force  a  boy  ov  mine  tew  whissell  agin  his  natral 
inclinashun. 

Wimmin  az  a  kind,  or  in  the  lump,  are  poor  whizzlers,  i 
don't  kno  how  i  found  this  out,  but  i  am  glad  ov  it,  it  iz  a 
good  deal  like  crowing  in  alien. 


WHISSLINO. 


WHISSLING.  71 

Crowing  iz  an  unladylike  thing  in  a  lien  tew  do. 
I  hav  often  heard  hens  tri  tew  cro,  but  i  never  knu  one  tew 
do  herself  justiss. 

A  rooster  kan  krow  well,  and  a  hen  kan  kluk  well,  and  i  sa 
let  each  one  ov  them  stik  tew  their  trade. 
1    Klucking  iz  jist  az  necessary  in  this  wurld  az  crowing  es- 
peshily  if  it  iz  well  did. 

But  i  want  it  well  understood  that  i  am  the  last  man  on 
reckord  who  would  refuse  a  woman  a  chance  tew  whissell  if 
she  waz  certain  she  had  the  right  pucker  for  it. 

I  never  knu  a  good  whissler  but  what  had  a  good  constitu- 
shiin.  Whissling  iz  compozed  ov  pucker  and  wind,  and  these 
two  accomplishments  denote  vigor. 

Sum  people  alwus  whissell  whare  thare  iz  danger — this  they 
do  to  keep  the  fraid  out  ov  them.  When  i  waz  a  boy  i  alwus 
konsidered  whissling  the  next  best  thing  to  a  kandle  to  go 
down  cellar  witli  in  the  nite  time. 

The  best  whisslers  i  hav  ever  heard  hav  bin  amung  the  ne- 
groes (i  make  this  remark  with  the  highest  respekt  to  the  ac- 
complishments ov  the  whites),  i  hav  herd  a  south  karoliny 
darkey  whissell  so  natral  that  a  mocking-bird  would  drop  a 
worm  out  ov  hiz  bill  and  talk  back  to  the  nigger. 

I  clout  want  enny  better  evidence  ov  the  general  honesty 
thare  iz  in  a  whissell  than  the  fackt  that  thare  aint  nothing 
which  a  dog  will  answer  quicker  than  the  wissell  ov  hiz  mas- 
ter, and  dogs  are  az  good  judges  ov  honesty  az  enny  kritters 
that  live. 

It  iz  hard  work  to  phool  a  dog  once,  and  it  iz  next  to  im- 
possible to  phool  him  the  sekond  time. 

I  aint  afraid  to  trust  enny  man  for  a  small  amount  who  iz  a 
good  whissler. 

I  wouldn't  want  to  sell  him  a  farm  on  credit,  for  i  should 
expekt  to  hav  to  take  the  farm  back  after  awhile  and  remove 
the  mortgage  miself. 

Yu  cant  whissell  a  mortgage  oph  from  a  farm. 

A  fust  rate  whissler  iz  like  a  middling  sized  fiddler,  good 
for  nothing  else,,  and  tho  whissling  may  keep  a  man  from  git- 
tinp-  lonesum,  it  wont  keep  him  from  gifting  ragged. 


Tfc  ESSAYS. 

I  never  knu  a  bee  hunter  but  what  waz  a  good  whissier, 
and  i  dont  kno  ov  enny  bizzness  on  the  breast  ov  the  earth 
that  will  make  a  man  so  lazy  and  useless,  without  acktually 
killing  him,  az  hunting  bees  in  the  wilderness. 

Hunting  bees  and  writing  seckond  rate  verses  are  evidences 
ov  sum  genius,  but  either  of  them  will  unlit  a  man  for  doing 
a  good  square  day's  work. 


HOTELS. 

HOTELS  are  houses  ov  refuge,  homes  for  the  vagrants,  the 
married  man's  retreat,  and  the  bachelor's  "fireside. 

They  are  kept  in  all  sorts  ov  ways,  sum  on  the  European 
plan,  and  menny  ov  them  on  no  plan  at  all. 

A  good  landlord  iz  like  a  good  stepmother,  he  knows  hiz 
bizzness  and  means  to  do  hiz  duty. 

He  knows  how  to  rub  hiz  hands  with  joy  when  the  traveler 
draws  nigh,  he  knows  how  to  smile,  he  knew  yure  wife's 
father  when  he  waz  living,  and  yure  wife's  fust  husband,  but 
he  don't  speak  about  him. 

He  kan  tell  whether  it  will  rain  to-morrow  or  not,  he  hears 
yure  komplaints  with  a  tear  in  hiz  eye,  he  blows  up  the  ser- 
vants at  yure  suggestion,  and  stands  around  reddy,  \vith  a 
shirt  collar  az  stiff  az  broken  china. 

A  man  may  be  a  good  supream  court  judge  and  at  the  same 
time  be  a  miserable  landlord. 

Most  evrybody  thinks  they  kan  keep  a  hotel  (and  they  kan), 
but  this  ackounts  for  the  grate  number  ov  hotels  that  are  kept 
on  the  same  principle  that  a  justiss  ov  the  peace  offiss  iz  kept 
in  the  country  during  a  six-days'  jury  trial  for  killing  sumbod- 
dy's  yello  dorg. 

A  hotel  wont  keep  itself  and  keep  the  landlord  too,  and 
ever  kure  a  traveler  from  the  habit  ov  profane  swareing. 

I  hav  had  this  experiment  tried  on  me  several  times,  and  it 
alwus  makes  the  swares,  wuss. 


HOTELS.  73 

It  iz  too  often  the  kase  that  landlords  go  into  the  bizzness 
ov  hash  az  ministers  go  into  the  professhun,  with  the  very  best 
ov  motives,  but  the  poorest  kind  ov  prospecks. 

I  dont  know  ov  enny  bizzness  more  flattersum  than  the 
tavern  bizzness,  there  dont  seem  to  be  enny  thing  to  do  but 
to  stand  in  front  ov  the  register  with  a  pen  behind  the  ear  and 
see  that  the  guests  enter  themselfs  az  soon  az  they  enter  the 
house,  then  yank  a  bell-rope  six  or  seven  times,  and  then  tell 
John  to  sho  the  gentleman  to  976,  and  then  take  four  dollars 
and  fifty  cents  next  morning  from  the  poor  devil  ova  traveler 
and  let  him  went. 

This  seems  to  be  the  whole  thing  (and  it  iz  the  whole  thing) 
in  most  cases. 


Yu  will  diskover  the  following  deskripshun  a  mild  one,  ov 
about  9  hotels  out  ov  10  between  the  Atlantik  and  Pacific!* 
Oshuns  akrost  the  United  States  in  a  straight  line : 

Yure  room  iz  13  foot  6  inches,  by  9  foot  7  inches,  parallelo 
gramly. 

It  being  court  week  (az  usual),  all  the  good  rooms  are  em- 
ployed bi  the  lawyers  and  judges. 

Yure  room  iz  on  the  uttermost  floor. 

The  carpet  iz  ingrain — ingrained  with  the  dust,  kerosene 
ile,  and  ink-spots  ov  four  generashuns. 

Thare  iz  two  pegs  in  the  room  tew  hitch  coats  onto,  one  ov 
them  broke  oph,  and  the  other  pulled  out,  and  missing. 

The  buro  haz  three  legs,  and  one  brick. 

The  glass  to  the  buro  swings  on  two  pivots,  which  hav  lost 
their  grip. 

Thare  iz  one  towel  on  the  rack,  thin,  but  wet.  The  rain 
water  in  the  pitcher  cum  out  ov  the  well. 

The  soap  iz  az  tuff  tew  wear  az  a  whetstone. 

The  soap  iz  scented  with  cinnamon  ile,  and  variagated  with 
spots. 

Thare  iz  three  chairs,  kane  setters,  one  iz  a  rocker,  and  al] 
three  are  busted. 

Thare  iz  a  match-box,  empty. 


74  ESSAYS. 

Thare  iz  no  kurtin  to  the  windo,  and  thare  don't  want  to 
be  any,  yu  kant  see  out,  and  who  kan  see  in  ? 

The  bel  rope  iz  cum  oph  about  6  inches  this  side  ov  the 
ceiling. 

o 

The  bed  iz  a  modern  slat  bottom,  with  two  mattrasses,  one 
cotton,  and  one  husk,  and  both  harder,  and  about  az  thick  az 
a  sea  hi  skit  t. 

Yu  enter  the  bed  sideways  and  kan  feel  evry  slat  at  once 
az  eazy  az  yu  could  the  ribs  ov  a  grid  iron. 

The  bed  iz  inhabited. 

Yu  sleep  sum,  but  rool  over  a  good  deal. 

For  breakfast  you  have  a  gong,  and  rhy  coffee  too  kold  to 
melt  butter,  fride  potatoze  which  resemble  the  chips  a  two 
inch  auger  makes  in  its  journey  through  an  oak  log. 

Bread  solid,  beef  stake  about  az  thikaz  a  blister  plaster,  and 
so  tuff  az  a  hound's  ear. 

Table  covered  with  plates,  a  few  scared  to  death  pickles  on 
one  ov  them,  and  6  fly  endorsed  crackers  on  another. 

A  pewterinktom  caster  with  three  bottles  in  it,  one  with- 
out  enny  pepper  in  it,  one  without  enny  mustard,  and  one 
with  two  inches  ov  drowned  flies,  and  vinegar  in  it. 

Servant  gall,  with  hoops  on,  hangs  around  you  earnestly, 
and  wants  to  know  if  yu  will  take  another  cup  ov  coffee. 

Yu  say  "  JVb  mom,  i  thank  yu"  and  push  back  yure  chair. 

Yu  haven't  eat  enuff  tew  pay  for  picking  yure  teeth. 


I  am  about  az  selfconsaited  az  it  will  do  for  a  man  to  be 
and  not  crack  open,  but  i  never  yet  consaited  that  i  could 
keep  a  hotel,  i  had  rather  be  a  hiwayman  than  to  be  sum 
landlords  i  have  visited  with. 

Thare  are  hotels  that  are  a  joy  upon  earth,  where  a  man 
pays  hiz  bill  az  cheerfully  az  he  did  the  parson  who  married 
him,  whare  yu  kant  find  the  landlord  unless  yu  hunt  in  the 
kitchen,  whare  servants  glide  around  like  angels  ov  mercy, 
whare  the  beds  lit  a  man's  back  like  the  feathers  on  a  goose, 
and  whare  the  vittles  taste  just  az  tho  yure  wife,  or  yure 
mother  had  fried  them. 


LAFF1NG. 


Theze  kind  ov  hotels  ought  tew  be  bilton  wheels  and  travel 
around  the  country  ;  they  are  az  phull  ov  real  cumfort  az  a 
thanksgiving  pudding,  but  alass  !  yes,  alass  !  they  are  az  unplen- 
ty  az  double-yelked  eggs. 


LAFFING. 

A  NATOMIKALLY  konsidered,  laffing  iz  the  sensashun 
J-j-  ov  pheeling  good  all  over,  and  showing  it  principally  in 
one  spot. 

Morally  konsidered,  it  iz  the  next  best  thing  tew  the  10 
commandments. 

Philosophikally  konsidered,  it  beats  Herrick's  pills  3  pills 
in  the  game. 

Theoretikally  konsidered,  it  kan  out-argy  all  the  logik  in 
existence. 

Analitikally  konsidered,  enny  part  ov  it  iz  equal  tew  the 
whole. 

Konstitushionally  konsidered,  it  iz  vittles  and  sumthing 
tew  drink. 

Multifariously  konsidered,  it  iz  just  az  different  from  enny- 
thing  else  az  it  is  from  itself. 

Phumatically  konsidered,  it  haz  a  good  deal  ov  essence  and 
sum  boddy. 

Pyroteknikally  konsidered,  it  is  the  fire-works  of  the  soul. 

Syllogestikally  konsidered,  the  konklushuns  allwus  follows 
the  premises. 

Spontaneously  konsidered,  it  iz  az  natral  and  refreshing  sa 
a  spring  bi  the  road-side. 

Phosphorescently  konsidered,  it  lights  up  like  a  globe 
lantern. 

Exsudashiously  konsidered,  it  haz  all  the  dissolving  prop- 
ertys  ov  a  hot  whiskee  puntch. 

But  this  iz  too  big  talk  for  me  ;  theze  flatulent  words  waz 
put  into  the  dikshionary  for  those  giants  in  knollcdge  tevr 


T6  ESSAYS. 

use  who  hav  tew  load  a  kannon  klean  up  tew  the  muzzell 
with  powder  and  ball  when  they  go  out  tew  hunt  pissmires. 

But  i  don't  intend  this  essa  for  laffing  in  the  lump,  but  tbi 
lamnff  on  the  half-shell. 

O 

Laffiing  iz  just  az  natral  tew  cum  tew  the  surface  as  a  rat 
iz  tew  cum  out  ov  hiz  hole  when  lie  wants  tew. 

Yu  kant  keep  it  back  by  swallowing  enny  more  than  yu 
kan  the  heekups. 

If  a  man  han't  laff  there  iz  sum  mistake  made  in  putting 
him  together,  and  if  he  won't  laff  he  wants  az  mutch  keeping 
away  from  az  a  bear-trap  when  it  iz  sot. 

I  have  seen  people  who  laffed  altogether  too  mutch  for 
their  own  good  or  for  ennyboddy  else's ;  they  laft  like  a  barrell 
ov  nu  sider  with  the  tap  pulled  out,  a  perfekt  stream. 

This  is  a  grate  waste  ov  natral  juice. 

I  have  seen  other  people  who  didn't  laff  enuff  tew  giv 
themself s  vent ;  they  waz  like  a  barrell  ov  nu  sider  too,  that 
waz  bunged  up  tite,  apt  tew  start  a  hoop  and  leak  all  away 
on  the  sly 

Thare  ain't  neither  ov  theze  2  ways  right,  and  they  never 
ought  tew  be  pattented. 

Sum  pholks  hav  got  what  iz  kalled  a  hoss-laff,  about  haff' 
way  between  a  growl  and  a  bellow,  just  az  a  hoss  duz  when 
he  feels  hiz  oats,  and  don't  exackly  kno  what  ails  him. 

Theze  pholks  don't  enjoy  a  laff  enny  more  than  the  man 
duz  hiz  vettles"-who  swallows  hiz  pertatoze  whole. 

A  laff  tew  be  nourishsome  wants  tew  be  well  chewed. 

Thare  iz  another  kind  ov  a  laff  which  i  never  did  enjoy, 
one  loud  busst,  and  then  everything  iz  az  still  az  a  lager  beer 
barrell  after  it  haz  bio  wed  up  and  slung  2  or  3  gallons  ov 
beer  around  loose. 

Thare  iz  another  laff  whitch  I  hav  annalized  ;  it  cmns  out 
ov  the  mouth  with  a  noize  like  a  pig  makes  when  he  iz 
in  a  tite  spot,  one  sharp  squeal  and  two  snikkers,  and  then 
dies  in  a  simper. 

This  kind  ov  a  laff  iz  larnt  at  femail  boarding-skools,  and 


LAFFING.  77 

dont  mean  ennything ;  it  iz  nothing  more  than  the  skin  ov  a 
laff. 

Genuine  laffing  iz  the  vent  or  the  soul,  the  nostrils  ov  the 
heart,  and  iz  jist  az  necessary  for  helth  and  happiness  as 
spring  water  iz  for  a  trout. 

Thare  iz  one  kind  ov  a  laff  that  i  always  did  reckommend ; 
'it  looks  out  ov  the  eye  fust  with  a  merry  twinkle,  then  it 
kreeps  down  on  its  hands  and  kneze  and  plays  around  the 
mouth  like  a  pretty  moth  around  the  blaze  ov  a  kandle,  then 
it  steals  over  into  the  dimples  ov  the  cheeks  and  rides  around 
in  thoze  little  whirlpools  for  a  while,  then  it  lites  up  the 
whole  face  like  the  mello  bloom  on  a  damask  roze,  then  it 
swims  oph  on  the  air,nrith  a  peal  az  klear  and  az  happy  az  a 
dinner-bell,  then  it  goes  bak  agin  on  golden  tiptoze  like  an 
angel  out  for  an  airing,  and  laze  down  on  its  little  bed  ov 
violets  in  the  heart  whnre  it  cum  from. 

Thare  iz  another  laff  that  noboddy  kan  withstand ;  it  iz 
just  az  honest  and  noizy  az  a  distrikt  skool  let  out  tew  play, 
it  shakes  a  man  up  from  hiz  toze  tew  hiz  temples,  it  dubblcs 
and  twists  him  like  a  whiskce  pint,  it  lifts  him  up  oph  from 
hiz  cheer,  like  feathers,  and  lets  him  bak  agin  like  melted  led, 
it  goes  all  thru  him  like  a  pikpocket,  and  finally  leaves  him 
az  weak  and  a:i  krazy  az  tho  he  had  bin  soaking  all  day  in  a 
Rushing  bath  and  forgot  tew  be  took  out. 

This  kind  ov  a  lafF  belongs  tew  jolly  good  phellows  who 
are  az  helthy  az  qnakers,  and  who  are  az  eazy  tew  pleaze  az 
a  gall  who  iz  going  tew  be  married  to-morrow. 

In  konclushion  i  say  laff  every  good  chance  yu  kan  git,  but 
don't  laff  unless  yu  feal  like  it,  for  there  ain't  nothing  in  this 
world  more  harty  than  a  good  honest  laff,  nor  nothing  more 
hollow  than  a  hartless  one. 

When  yu  do  laff  open  yure  mouth  wide  enuff  for  the  noizo 
tew  git  out  without  squealing,  thro  yure  hed  bak  az  tho  yu 
waz  going  tew  be  shaved,  hold  on  tew  yuie  false  hair  with 
both  hands  and  then  lalf  till  vure  soul  <jets  thorolv  rested. 

ir  O  V 

But  i  shall  tell  yu  more  about  theze  things  at  sniu  fcwter 
time. 


ESSAYS. 


HOSS  SENSE. 

There  is  nothing  that  haz  bin  diskovered  yet,  that  iz  so 

skarse  as  good  Hoss  sense,  about  28  hoss  power. 

I  don't  mean  race  hoss,  nor  trotting  hoss  sense,  that  kan 

run  a  mile  in  1:28 
and  then  brake 
down;  nor  trot  in 
2:13,  and  good  for 
nothing  afterwards, 
only  to  brag  on  ;  but 
I  mean  the  all-day 
hoss  sense,  that  iz 
good  for  8  miles  an 
hour,  from  rooster 
crowing  in  the  morn- 
ing, until  the  cowa 
cum  home  at  night, 
klean  tew  the  end 
ov  the  road. 

I   hav  seen   fast 
sense,  that  was  like 
sum    hoses,   who 
could   git  so  far  in 
ORATION.  one  day  that  it  would 

take  them  two  days  tew  git  back,  on  a  litter.     I  don't  mean 

this  kind  nuther. 

Good  hard-pan  sense  iz  the  thing  that  will  wash  well,  wear 

well,  iron    out   without   wrinkling,  and  take  starch  without 

k  racking. 

Menny  people  are  hunting  after  uncommon  sense,  but  they 

never  find  it  a  good  deal ;  uncommon  sense  iz  ov  the  nature  of 

genius,  and  all  genius  iz  the  gift  of  God,  and  kant  be  had, 

like  hens  eggs,  for  the  hunting. 

Good,  old-fashioned  common   sense  iz  one  ov  the  hardest 

things  in,  the  world  to  out-wit,  out-argy,  or  beat  in  enny  way, 

it  iz  az  honest  az  a  loaf  ov  good  domestik  bread,  alwus  in  tune, 

either  hot  from  the  oven  or  8  davs  <;]<!. 


SILENCE.  Tl> 

Common  sense  kan  be  improved  upon  l>y  t-'dukashun — 
genius  kan  be  too,  sum,  but  not  much. 

Edukashun  gauls  genius  like  a  bad  setting  liarness. 

Common  sense  iz  like  biled  vittlcs,  itisgood  right  from  the 
pot,  and  it  is  good  nex  day  warmed  up. 

If  every  man  waz  a  genius,  mankind  would  be  az  bad  oph 
az  the  heavens  would  be,  with  even-  star  a  comet,  things  would 
git  hurt  badly,  and  noboddy  tew  blame. 

Common  sense  iz  instinkt,  and  instinkt  don't  make  enny 
blunders  mutch,  no  more  than  a  rat  duz,  in  coming  out,  or 
jj'oing  intew  a  hole,  he  hits  the  hole  the  fust  time,  and  just  fills  it. 

Genius  iz  always  in  advance  ov  the  times,  and  makes  sum 
magnificent  hits,  but  the  world  owes  most  ov  its  tributes  to 
good  hoss  sense. 


SILENCE. 

Silence  is  a  still  noise. 

One  ov  the  hardest  things  for  a  man  to  do,  iz  tew  keep 
still. 

Everyboddy  wants  tew  be  heard  fust,  and  this  iz  jist  what 
fills  the  world  with  nonsense. 

Everyboddy  wants  tew  talk,  few  want  to  think,  and  no- 
boddy wants  tew  listen. 

The  greatest  talkers  aiming  the  feathered  folks,  are  the 
magpie  and  ginny  hen,  and  neither  ov  them  are  ov  mutch 
account. 

If  a  man  ain't  sure  he  iz  right  the  best  kard  he  kan  play  iz 
a  blank  one. 

I  have  known  mermy  a  man  tew  beat  in  an  argument  b) 
just  nodding  his  hed  once  in  a  while  and  simply  say,  "jess  so, 
jess  so." 

It  takes  a  grate  menny  blows  tew  drive  in  a  nail,  but  one 
will  clinch  it. 

Sum  men  talk  just  az  a  French  poiiy  trots,  all  day  long,  in 
a.  hf.if  bushel  meazsnire. 


80  rssAYS. 

Silence  never  makes  enny  blunders,  and  ahvusgits  az  mutch 
credit  az  iz  due  it,  and  oftimes  more. 

When  i  see  a  man  listening  to  me  cluss  i  alwus  say  to  mi 
self,  "  look  out,  Josh,  that  fellow  iz  taking  your  meazzure." 

I  hav  herd  men  argy  a  pint  two  hours  and  a  haff  and  not 
git  enny  further  from  whare  they  started  than  a  mule  in  a 
hark  mill,  they  did  a  good  deal  ov  going  round  and  round. 

I  hav  sot  on  jurys  and  had  a  lawyer  talk  the  law,  fakts  and 
evidence  ov  the  kase  all  out  ov  me,  besides  starting  the  taps 
on  mi  boots. 

I  hav  bin  tew  church  hungry  for  sum  gospel,  and  cum  hum 
so  plmll  ov  it  that  i  couldn't  draw  a  long  breth  without  start 
ing  a  button. 

Brevity  and  silence  are  the  two  grate  kards,  and  next  to  say- 
ing nothing,  saying  a  little,  iz  the  strength  ov  the  game. 

One  thing  iz  certain,  it  iz  only  the  grate  thinkers  who  kan 
afford  tew  be  brief,  and  thare  haz  bin  but  phew  volumes  yet 
published  which  could  not  be  cut  down  two-thirds,  and  menny 
ov  them  could  be  cut  klean  back  tew  the  title  page  without 
hurting  them. 

Iz  hard  tew  find  a  man  ov  good  sense  who  kan  look  back 
upon  enny  occason  and  wish  he  had  sed  sum  more,  but  it  iz 
eazy  tew  find  menny  who  wish  they  had  said  less. 

A  thing  sed  iz  hard  tew  recall,  but  unsed  it  kan  be  spoken 
any  time. 

Brevity  iz'  the  child  of  silence,  and  iz  a  great  credit  tew  the 
old  man. 


BRAVERY. 

TRUE  bravery  iz  very  eazy  tew  detekt,  for  it  iz  az  mutch 
a  part  and  parcel  of  a  man's  every  day  life  az  hiz  clothes 
iz. 

Everything  that  a  truly  brave  man  duz  iz  did  from  princi- 
ple not  impulse,  and  when  no  one  sees  him  he  iz  just  az  he- 
roik  az  he  would  be  if  he  waz  in  the  eyes  of  the  multitude. 


DISPATCH.  81 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  bravery  that  iz  simply  ornamental, 
and  if  it  wan't  for  its  spurs  and  cockade  wouldn't  amount  tew 
mutch. 

It  iz  not  bravery  to  face  what  we  kan't  dodge,  but  it  iz 
true  courage  tew  face  all  things  that  are  honest  and  dodge 
•10  thing. 

True  bravery  exists  aiming  the  lowly  just  az  mutch  az  aiming 
the  grate,  and  a  man  really  haz  no  more  right  tew  expekt 
praise  for  his  courage  than  he  haz  for  hiz  virtue. 

It  often  requires  more  bravery  tew  tell  the  simple  truth  than 
it  duz  tew  win  a  battle. 

He  who  lills  to  the  brim  the  staslmn  in  life,  which  nature 
or  fortune  haz  given  him,  iz  a  hero ;  i  don't  kare  whether  lie 
iz  a  peasant  on  the  hillside,  or  chieftian  in  the  tented  field. 

The  most  sublime  courage  I  hav  ever  witnessed,  hav  been 
among  that  klass  who  waz  too  poor  to  know  that  they  possess- 
ed  it,  and  too  humble  for  the  world  ever  to  diskover  it. 

When  I  want  to  see  a  hero,  or  commune  with  one,  i  don't 
go  tew  the  pages  ov  history  ;  i  kan  find  them  in  among  the 
bipaths  ov  every  day  life,  i  hav  known  them  tew  liv  out 
their  lives  and  die  without  enny  reckord  here  ;  but  hereafter, 
when  the  grate  sorting  takes  place,  they  will  be  found  among 
the  jewels. 


DISPATCH. 

DISPATCH  iz  the  gift,  or  art  ov  doing  a  thing  right  quick. 
To  do  a  thing  right,  and  to  do  it  quick  iz  an  attribute 
ov  genius. 

Hurry  iz  often  mistaken  for  dispatch;  but  thare  iz  just  az 
much  difference  az  thare  iz  between  a  hornet  and  a  pissmire 
when  they  are  both  ov  them  on  duty. 

A  hornet  never  takes  any  steps  backwards,  but  a  pissmire 
alwns  travels  just  as  tho  he  had  forgot  sumthing. 

Hurry  works  from  morning  until  night,  but  works  on  a 
t.red-wheel. 


82  ESSAYS. 

Dispatch  never  undertakes  a  job  without  fust  marking  out  the 
course  to  take,  and  then  follows  it,  right  or  wrong,  while 
hurry  travels  like  a  blind  hoss,  stepping  hi  and  often,  and 
spends  most  ov  her  time  in  running  into  things,  and  the  bal- 
lance  in  backing  out  agin. 

Dispatch  iz  ahvus  the  mark  ov  grate  abilitys,  while  hurry 
iz  the  evidence  ov  a  phew  branes,  and  they,  flying  around  so 
fast  in  the  hed,  they  keep  their  owner  alwus  dizzy. 

Hurry  iz  a  good  phellow  tew  phite  bumble  bees,  whare,  if  yu 
hav  ever  so  good  a  plan,  yu  kant  make  it  work  well. 

Dispatch  haz  dun  all  the  grate  things  that  hav  been  did  in 
this  world,  while  hurry  haz  been  at  work  at  the  small  ones, 
and  haint  got  thru  yet. 


HOW  TO  PIK  OUT  A  WIFE. 

YTUND  a  girl  that  iz  19  years  old  last  May,  about  the  right 
J-  hight,  with  a  blue  eye,  and  dark-brown  hair  and  white 
teeth. 

Let  the  girl  be  good  to  look  at,  not  too  phond  of  musik,  a 
firm  disbeleaver  in  ghosts,  and  one  ov  six  children  in  the  same 
family. 

Look  well  tew  the  karakter  ov  her  father ;  see  that  he  is 
not  the  member  ov  enny  klub,  don't  bet  on  elekshuns,  and 
gits  shaved  at  least  3  times  a  week. 

Find  out  all  about  her  mother,  see  if  she  haz  got  a  heap  ov 
good  common  sense,  studdy  well  her  likes  and  dislikes,  eat 
sum  ov  her  hum-made  bread  and  apple  dumplins,  notiss 
whether  she  abuzes  all  ov  her  nabors,  and  don't  fail  tew  observe 
whether  her  dresses  are  last  year's  ones  fixt  over. 

If  you  are  satisfied  that  the  mother  would  make  the  right 
kind  ov  a  mother-in-law,  yu  kan  safely  konklude  that  the  dau- 
ter  would  make  the  right  kind  of  a  wife. 

After  theze  prelimenarys  are  all  settled,  and  yu  have  done 
a  roazonable  amount  ov  sparking,  ask  the  yung  lady  for  her 


JiOAY  TEAV  riK  OUT  A  AA'ATEKMELLOX. 


83 


THAT    FOR 
E«PJ  Aw 


heart  and  hand,  and  if  she  refuses,  yu  kan  konsider  yourself 
euchered. 

If  on  the  contrary,  she  should  say  yes,  git  married  at  once, 
without  any  fuss  and  feathers,  and  proceed  to  take  the  chances. 

I  say  take  the 
chances,  for  thare 
aint  no  resipee  for  a 
perfekt  wife,  enny 
morethan  thare  iz  for 
a  perfekt  husband. 

Thare  ix  just  az 
menny  good  wifes 
az  thare  iz  good  hus- 
bands, and  i  never 
knew  two  people, 
married  or  single, 
who  were  determin- 
ed tew  make  them- 
self  s  agreeable  to 
each  other,  but  what 
they  suckceeded. 

!Name  yure  oldest 
boy  sum  good  stout 
name,  not  after  sum 

hero,  but  should  the  first  boy  be  a  girl,  i  ask  it  az  a  favour  to 
me  that  yu  kaul  her  Rebekker. 

I  do  want  sum  ov  them  good,  old-fashioned,  tuff  girl  names 
revived  and  extended. 


HOW  TEW  PIK   OUT  A  WATEKMELLON. 

SUMTIME  about  the  20th  ov  August,  more  or  less,  when  the 
moon  iz  entering  her  seckond  quarter,  and  the  old  kitchen 
klock  haz  struk  twelve  midnite,  git  up  and  dres  yureself, 
without  making  enny  noize,  and  leave  the  hous  bi  the  bak 
door,  and  step  lightly  akross  the  yard,  out  into  the  hi  way, 
and  turn  tew  yurc  right. 


84  ESSAYS. 

After  going  about  haff  a  mile,  take  your  fust  left  hand 
road,  and  when  yu  cum  tew  a  bridge,  cross  it,  and  go  thru  a 
pair  ov  bars  on  the  right,  walk  about  two  hundred  yards  in  a 
south-east  direckshun.  and  yu  will  cum  suddenly  on  a  water- 
mellon  patch. 

Pik  out  a  good,  dark-colored  one,  with  the  skin  a  leetle 
ruffish ;  be  kareful  not  to  injure  enny  ov  the  vines  by  step- 
ping on  them  ;  shoulder  the  watermellon,  and  retrace  yure 
steps,  walking  about  twice  az  fast  az  yu  did  when  yu  cum 
out. 

Once  in  a  while  look  over  yure  shoulder  too  see  if  the 
moon  is  all  right.  When  yu  reach  1mm,  bury  the  water- 
mellon in  the  ha  mow  and  slip  into  bed,  just  as  tho  nothing 
had  happened. 

This  is  an  old-fashioned,  time-honored  way,  tew  pik  out 
a  good  watermellon,  just  the  way  our  fathers  and  grand- 
fathers did  it. 

After  yu  hav  et  the  watermellon  tare  up  the  resipee. 

I  am  not  anxious  tew  hav  this  resipee  preserved,  but  i  dont 
want  it  forgotten. 

One  watermellon  during  yure  life  is  enuff  to  pik  out  in  this 
way. 

Dont  do  it  but  jist  once,  and  then  be  kind  ov  sorry  for  it 
afterwards. 

Menny  people  will  wonder  and  worry  whare  the  moral 
cums  in,  in  this  sketch,  and  it  is  hard  tew  tell  ;  but  i  will 
venture  to  say  that  thare  aint  a  prominent  moralist  in  Amerika 
but  has  picked  out  his  watermellon  by  this  resipee,  sum  time 
during  his  life,  and  will  tell  you  that  he  remembers  favour- 
ably the  spirit  ov  adventure  that  promted  the  undertaking, 
and  never  kan  forgit  the  sober  sense  ov  shame  that  followed  it. 


HOAV   TEW  PIK  OUT  A  DOG. 

OGS   are  gitting  dredful  skase,  and  if  yu  dont  pik  one 
out  putty  soon,  it  will  be  forever  too  late. 


HOW  TK\V  PIK  OUT  A  DOG.  85 

I  hav  written  during  my  yunger  clays,  when  I  knu  a  good 
deal  more  than  i  do  now,  or  ever  shal  kno  agin,  an  essa  onto 
dogs,  and  in  that  essa  i  klaimed  that  the  best  kind  ov  a  dog 
for  all  purposes  for  a  man  tew  hav  was  a  wodden  dog. 

The  experience  ov  years  don't  seem  tew  change  mi  opinyun, 
and  i  now,  az  then,  reckomend  the  wodden  dog. 
'    Dogs,  az  a  genral  thing,  are  ornamental,  and  the  wodden 
dog  kan  be  made  Inly  so,  after  enny  pattern  or  desighn  that 
a  kultivated  taste  may  suggest. 

If  the  wodden  do<;  iz  made  with  the  bark  on,  so  mutch  the 

O 

better ;  for  we  are  told  bi  thoze  who  studdy  sich  things  that 
dogs  which  bark  never  bight. 

Wodden  dogs  never  stra  away  three  or  four  times  a  year, 
like  flesh  and  blood  dogs  do,  and  don't  kost  5  or  10  dollars 
reward  each  time  tew  make  them  cum  bale  hum  agin. 

Wodden  dogs  don't  hav  the  old  hydrophobiskiousness ; 
neither  are  they  running  round,  and  round,  and  round,  and 
round  after  them  sells,  trieing  tew  ketch  up  \vith  a  wicked  flea, 
who  iz  bizzily  engaged  knawing  away  at  the  dog's — 
continuashun. 

Thare  ain't  no  better  watch  dog  in  the  world  than  the 
wodden  one.  Yu  set  them  tew  watching  enny  thing,  they 
will  watch  it  for  3  years,  and  they  aint  krazy,  and  want  tew 
jump  thru  a  window  in  a  minnit,  if  they  just  happen  tew 
hear  a  boy  out  in  the  streets  whissling  "  Yankee  Doodle  "  or 
"  Sally  Cum  Up." 

Wodden  dogs  won't  stretch  themselfs  out  in  front  ov  the 
lire  place,  taking  up  all  the  hot  room,  nor  they  won't  fly  at  a 
harmless  old  beggar  man,  who  only  wants  a  krust,  and  tare 
lam  all  tew  little  bits  in  a  minnitt. 

If  yu  want  tew  pik  out  a  good  dog,  pik  out  a  wodden  one, 
they  range  in  price,  all  the  way  from  10  cents  tew  a  dollar 
ackordiug  tow  the  lumber  in  them,  old  age  don't  make  them 
kross  and  useless,  and  if  they  do  happen  tew  loze,  a  hed,  or  a 
leg,  in  sum  scrimmage,  a  dose  ov  Spaldings  glu,  taken  at 
night,  jist  before  they  retire  will  fetch  them  out  all  strait  ir 
the  morning. 


80  ESSAYS. 

HOW   TEW  PIK  OUT  A  KAT. 

THE  hardest  thing,  in  every  day  life,  iz  tew  pik  out  a 
good  kat,  not  bekause  kats  are  so  skase,  az  bekanze  thev 
are  so  plenty. 

If  thare  want  but  2  kats  on  earth,  thare  wouldn't  be  no 
trouble,  yu  would  pik  one  and  the  other  phellow  would  pik 
one,  and  that  would  end  the  contest. 

To  pik  out  a  good  kat,  one  that  will  tend  tew  bizzness  and 
not  astronomize  nights,  nor  praktiss  operatik  strains,  iz  an 
evidence  ov  genius. 

I  don't  luv  kats  enuff  tew  pik  one  out  enny  how,  but  i  have 
picked  a  kitten  out  ov  a  swill  barrel  before  now  with  a  pair 
of  tongs,  just  tew  save  life. 

Color  iz  no  kriterion  ov  kats,  i  hav  seen  dredful  mean  kats 
ov  all  colors. 

Kats  with  blue  eyes,  and  very  long  whiskers,  with  the 
points  ov  their  ears  a  leetle  rounded  are  not  to  be  trusted 
they  will  steal  yung  chickens,  and  hook  kream  oph  from  the 
milk  pans,  every  good  chanse  they  kan  git. 

Kats  with  gra  eyes,  very  short  whiskers,  and  four  white 
toes,  are  the  best  kats  thare  iz  to  lay  in  front  ov  the  kitchen 
stove  all  day,  and  be  stepped  on  their  tail,  every  fu  minnitts. 

Kats  with  blak  eyes,  no  whiskers  at  all,  and  sharp  pointed 
ears,  are  liabel  tew  phitts. 

Picking  out  good  kats  haz  alwus  bin  a  mighty  cluss  tran- 
sackshun  from  the  fust  begining,  the  best  way  haz  alwus  ben 
tew  take  them  without  enny  picking,  jist  az  they  cum,  and 
let  them  go,  jist  az  they  cum. 


LOST  ARTS. 

SUM  ov  our  best  and  most  energetick  quill  jerkers,  hav 
writ  essays  on  the  "  Lost  Arts,1'  and  hav  did  comparatiniv 
well,  but  they  hav  overlooked  several  ov  the  missing  art  ikies. 


LOST  ARTS.  87 

whitch  i  take  the  liberty,  (in  a  strikly  confidenshall  way)  tew 
draw  their  attenshun  to. 

"  Pumpkin  Pi" — This  delitesurn  work  ov  art  -/.2,  (or  rather 
was)  a  triumphant  conglornerashun  ov  baked  doe,  and  biled 
pumpkin. 

It  waz  diskovered  during  the  old  ov  the  moon,  in  the  year 
1680,  by  Angelica,  the  notable  wife  ov  Illiehoboam  Beecher, 
then  residing  in  the  rural  town  ov  Nu  Guilford,  State  of  Connek- 
ticut,  but  since  departed  this  life,  aged  84:  years,  3  months,  6 
daze  5  hours,  and  15  minnitts. 

Peace  tew  her  dust. 

This  pi,  immejiately  after  its  discovery  bi  Angelica,  pro- 
ceeded into  general  use,  and  waz  the  boss  pi,  for  over  a  hun- 
dred years. 

In  the  year  1833  it  was  totalv  lorst. 

«/  «/ 

This  pi  hain't  bin  herd  from  since.  Large  rewards  hav  bin 
offered  for  its  recovery  by  the  Govenor  ov  Connekticut,  but 
it  haz  undoubtedly  fled  forever. 

Sum  poor  imitashuns  ov  the  blessed  old  original  pi  are  loaf- 
ing around,  but  pumpkin  pi  az  it  waz,  (with  nutmeg  in  it)  is 
no  more. 

"  Rum  and  Tansy" — Good  old  Nu  England  rum  with 
tanzy  bruized  in  it,  waz  known  to  our  ancients,  and  drank  by 
the  deacons  and  the  elders  ov  our  churches,  a  century  ago. 

It  iz  now  one  ov  the  lost  arts. 

A  haflf  a  pint  ov  this  glorious  old  mixtur  upon  gitting  out 
ov  bed  in  the  morning,  then  a  haft'  a  pint  jist  before  sitting 
down  tew  breakfast,  then  thru  the  day,  at  stated  intervals,  a 
haff  a  pint  ov  it,  and  sum  more  ov  it  just  before  retiring  at 
nite,  iz  wat  enabled  our  fourfathers  tew  shake  oph  the  yoke 
ov  grate  brittain,  and  gave  the  Amerikan  eagle  the  majestik 
tred  and  thundering  big  bak  bone,  which  he  used-  tew  hav. 
But,  alass!  oh,  alass  !  we  once  had  spirits  ov  just  men  made 
perfek,  but  we  hav  now,  (o  alass !)  spirits  ov  the  dam. 

One  half-pint  ov  the  present  prevailing  rum  would  ruin  a 
deacon  in  twenty  minitts. 

Farewell,  good  old  nu  England  rum,  with  some  tanzy  in 


«8  ESSAYS. 

yer,  thou  hast  gone  !  yest,  thou  hast  gone  tew  that  bourn  from 
which  no  good  spirits  cums  back. 

"Ifuni,  reyuiescat,  et  liquorissimus" 
*  ******* 

" Arly  to  lied,  and  arlij  to  rise" 

When  our  ancestors  landed  on  Plimoth  Rok  out  ov  the  May- 
flower, and  stood  in  front  ov  the  grate  lanskape  spred  out 
before  them,  reaching  from  the  boisterious  Atlantik  to  the 
buzzum  ov  the  plaintive  Pacifick,  they  brought  with  them, 
among  other  tools,  the  art  ov  gitting  up  in  the  morning  and 
going  tew  bed  at  nite  in  decent  seazon. 

This  art  they  was  az  familiar  to  them,  az  codfish  for  brek- 
fast. 

They  knu  it  bi  heart. 

It  waz  the  eleventh  command  in  their  katekism. 

They  taut  it  tew  their  children,  their  yung  men  and  maid, 
ens,  and  if  a  yung  one  waz  enny  ways  slow  about  larning  it 
he  waz  invited  out  to  the  korn-krib,  and  thare  the  art  waz 
explained  tew  him,  so  that  he  got  hold  ov  the  idee  for  ever 
and  amen. 

I  am  sorry  to  say  that  this  art  iz  now  lost,  or  missing. 

What  a  loss  waz  here,  my  countrymen  ! 

I  pauze  for  a  reply. 

Not  a  word  do  I  hear. 

Silence  iz  its  epitaph. 

Perhaps  some  profane  and  unthinking  cuss  will  exklaim — 
"  Let  Tier  rip  /" 

Arly  tew  bed  and  arly  tew  rize,  is  either  a  thing  of  the  past 
or  a  thing  that  ain't  cum — it  certainly  don't  exist  in  theze 
parts  now. 

It  haz  not  only  gone  itself,  but  it  haz  took  oph  a  whole  lot 
ov  good  things  with  it. 

This  art  will  positively  never  be  diskovered  agin  ;  it  waz 
the  child  ov  innocense  and  vigor,  and  this  breed  ov  children 
are  like  the  babes  in  the  wood,  and  deserted  bi  their  unkle. 

"  Honesty."— Honesty  iz  one  ov  the  arts  and  sciences. 

Learned  men  will  tell  you  that  the  abuv  assershun  iz  one 


HINTS  TO  C'OMIK  LKKTUKKllS.  S9 

ov  Josh  Billings  infernal  lies,  and  yer  havr  a  perfekt  rito  tow 
believe  them,  but  i  don't. 

Honesty  iz  jist  az  much  an  art  az  politeness  iz,  and  never 
waz  born  with  a  man  enny  more  than  the  capacity  to  spell 
the  word  Nebuddkenozzer  right  the  first  time  waz. 

It  took  me  seven  years  to  master  this  word,  and  i  andXoer 
Webster  both  disagree  about  the  right  way  now. 

Sum  men  are  natrally  more  addikted  tew  honesty  than 
others,  jist  az  sum  hav  a  better  ear  for  musik,  and  larn  hoM' 
tew  hoist  and  lower  the  8  notes,  more  completely  than  the 
next  man. 

Honesty  iz  one  ov  the  lost  or  mislaid  arts — thare  may  be 
excepshuns  tew  this  rule,  but  the  learned  men  all  agree  that 
"  excepshuns  prove  the  rule." 

The  only  doubts  i  hav  about  this  matter  iz  tew  lokate  the 
time  very  cluss,  when  honesty  waz  fust  lost. 

When  Adam  i:i  the  garden  of  Eden  waz  asked,  "  WTiarc 
art  ihou  Adam"  and  afterwards  explained  hiz  abscence  by 
saying,  " /,  waz  afraid"  iz  az  far  back  az  I  hav  bin  able  tew 
trace  the  fust  indikashuns  ov  weakness  in  this  grand  and  nobel 
art. 

I  shouldn't  be  suprized  if  this  art  never  waz  fully  recovered 
again  during  mi  day. 

I  aint  so  anxious  about  it  on  mi  own  ackount,  for  i  kan 
manage  tew  worry  along  sumhow  without  it,  but  what  iz  a 
going  tew  hekum  ov  the  grate  mass  ov  suffering  humanity  ? 

This  iz  a  question  that  racks  mi  simpathetick  buzzum  ! 


HINTS  TO  COMIK  LEKTURERS. 

COMIK  lekturing  iz  an.  imkoramon  pesky  thing  to  do. 
It  iz  more  unsarting  than  the  rat  ketching  bizzness  az  a 
means  ov  grace,  or  az  a  means  ov  livelihood." 

Most  enny  boddy  thinks  they  kan   do  it,  and  this  iz  jist 
what  makes  it  so  bothersnm  tew  do. 


ESSAYS. 


When  it  iz  did  jist  ennff,  it  iz  a  teritick  success,  but  when 
it  iz  overdid,  it  iz  like  a  burnt  slapjax,  very  impertinent. 

Tliare  aint  but  phew  good  judges  ov  humor,  and  they  all 
differ  about  it. 

If  a  lekturer  trys  tew  be  phunny,  he  iz  like  a  hoss  trying 
to  trot  backwards,  pretty  apt  tew  trod  on  himself. 

Humor  must  fall  out  ov  a  mans  mouth,  like  musik  out  ov 

a  bobalink,  or  like  a 
yung  bird  out  ov  its 
nest,  when  it  iz  feath- 
ered enuff  to  fly. 

Whenever  a  m  a  n 
haz  made  up  hiz  mind 
that  he  iz  a  wit,  then 
he  iz  mistaken  with- 
out remedy,  but  when- 
ever the  publick  haz 
made  up  their  mind 
that  he  haz  got  the 
disease,  then  he  haz 
got  it  sure. 

Individuals  never 
git  this  thing  r  i  g  h  t, 
the  publik  never  git 
it  wrong. 

The    publik    never 
cheat  themselfs,  nor  other  folks,  when  they  weigh  out  glory. 
Tliare  iz  jist  16  ounces  in  a  pound  ov  glory,  and  no  more, 
that  is,  by  the  publiks  steelyards. 

Humor  iz  wit  with  a  roosters  tail  feathers  stuck  in  its  cap, 
and  wit  iz  wisdom  in  tight  harness. 

No  man  kan  be  a  helthy  phool  unless  he  haz  missed  at  the 
brest  ov  wisdom. 

Thoze  who  fail  in  the  comik  bizzness  are  them  who  hav 
bin  put  out  to  miss,  or  bin  fetched  up  on  a  bottle. 

If  a  man  iz  a  genuine  humorist,  he  iz  superior  tew  the  bulk 
ov  hiz  aujience,  and  will  often  times  hav  tew  take  hiz  pay  for 
hiz  services  in  thinking  so. 


COMIK    LEKTTTRE. 


HINTS  TO  COMIK  LKKTUREHS.  01 

Altho  fun  iz  designed  for  the  millynn,  and  ethiks  for  tho 
few,  it  iz  az  true  az  molasses,  that  most  all  aujienceshav  their 
bellwethers,  people  who  show  the  others  the  crack  Avharethe 
joke  cinns  lafh'ng  in. 

I  hav  known  popular  aujences  deprived  ov  all  plezzure  dur- 
ing the  recital  ov  a  comik  lektur,  just  bekanze  the  right  man, 
or  the  right  woman,  want  thare  tew  point  out  the  mellow 
places. 

The  man  who  iz  anxious  tew  git  before  an  aujience,  with 
what  lie  calls  a  comik  lektur,  ought  tew  he  put  immediately 
in  the  stocks,  so  that  he  kant  do  it,  for  he  iz  a  dangerous  per- 
son tew  git  loose,  and  will  do  sum  damage. 

It  iz  a  very  pleazarit  bizzness  tew  make  people  laff,  but 
thare  iz  mutch  odds  whether  they  laff  at  you,  or  laff  at  what 
\ju  say. 

When  a  man  laffs  at  yu,  he  dux  it  because  it  makes  him  feel 
superior  to  you,  but  when  yu  pleaze  him  with  what  yu  have 
uttered,  he  admits  that  yu  are  superior  tew  him. 

The  only  reazon  win  a  monkey  nhvr.s  kreates  a  scnsashun 
whareever  he  goes,  is  simply  bekanze — he  is  a  monkey. 

Everyboddy  feels  az  tho  they  had  a  right  tew  criticize  a 
comik  lectur,  and  most  ov  them  do  it  jist  az  a  mule  criticizes 
things,  by  shutting  up  both  eyes  and  letting  drive  with  hi/ 
two  behind  lego's. 

OO 

Humor  haz  but  phew  rules  tew  be  judged  by,  and  they  are  so 
delikate  that  none  but  the  most  delikate  kan  define  them. 

It  is  dredful  arbitrary  tew  ask  a  man  tew  laff  who  don't  feel 
the  itch  ov  it. 

One  ov  the  meanest  things  in  the  comik  lektring  employ- 
ment that  a  man  haz  to  do,  iz  tew  try  and  make  that  large 
class  ov  hiz  aujience  laff  whom  the  Lord  never  intended  should 
laff. 

Thare  iz  sum  who  laff  az  eazy  and  az  natral  az  the  birds  do, 
but  most  ov  mankind  laff  like  a  hand  organ — if  yu  expect  tew 
git  a  lively  tune  out  ov  it  yu  hav  got  tew  grind  for  it. 

In  delivering  a  comik  lektur  it  iz  a  good  general  rule  to  stop 
budden,  sometime  before  yu  git  through.  This  enables  the 


92  ESSAYS. 

aujience,  if  they  hav  hadenuff,  tew  be  satisfied  with  what  they 
hav  had,  and  if  they  wantenny  more,  it  enables  them  to  han- 
ker for  it. 

I  know  it  iz  dredful  tuif,  when  a  man  iz  on  one  end  or  a 
stick  ov  molasses  kandy,  tew  quit  till  he  gits  clean  through ; 
buthe  musn't  forgit  that  hiz  aujience  may  not  be  so  sweet  on 
molassiss  kandy  az  he  iz. 

I  hav  got  a  very  lonesum  opinyun  ov  the  comik  leKtring 
hizziness,  and  if  I  waz  well  aliut  ov  it,  and  knu  how  tew  git 
an  honest  living  at  enny  thing  else,  (except  opening  clams,  and 
keeping  a  districkt  skool,)  i  would  quit  tommorrow,  and  either 
trade  oph  mi  liktur  for  a  grindstone,  or  sell  it  to  the  proprie- 
tors ov  sum  insane  hospital,  to  quiet  their  pashunts  with. 

I  dont  urge  ennyboddy  tew  cultivate  the  comik  lektring, 
but  if  they  feel  phull  ov  something,  they  kan't  tell  what, 
that  bites,  and  makes  them  feel  ridikilous,  so  that  they  kan't 
even  saw  wood  without  laffing  tew  themselfs  all  the  time,  i 
suppose  they  hav  got  the  fun  ailment  in  their  bones,  and  had' 
better  let  it  leak  out  in  the  shape  ov  a  ]ektur. 

But  i  advise  all  such  persons  to  pitty  themselfs,  and  when 
they  lay  a  warm  joke,  not  tew  akt  az  a  lien  doth  when  she  haz 
uttered  an  egg,  but  look  sorry,  and  let  sum  one  else  do  the 
cackling. 

If  i  had  a  boy  who  showed  enny  strong  marks  ov  being  a 
comik  critter,  if  i  couldn't  get  it  out  ov  him  enny  other  way, 
i  would  jine  him  to  the  Shakers,  and  make  him  weed  onions 
for  three  years,  just  for  fun. 


FASHION — FUKY— FELLOW— FUN— FUSS— FLUN- 
KY—FKETS— FITS— FINIS. 

FASHION". 

T1ASIIION  is  a  goddess. 

JL    She  iz  ov  the  maskuline,  feminine  and  nuter  gender. 

Men  worship  her  in  her  maskuline  form — wimmin  in  her 
feminine  form,  and  the  excentricks  in  her  nuter  gender. 


FASHION. 


03 


She  rules  the  world  with  a  straw,  and  makes  all  her  sup- 
pliants. 

She  enslaves  the  poor  az  well  az  the  ritch,  she  kneels  in 
sanktuarys,  pomps  in 
cabins,  and   leers   at 
the  street  korners. 

She  fits  man's  foot 
with  a  pinching  boot, 
throttles  him  with  a 
stubborn  collar,  and 
dies  his  inustash  with 
darkness. 

She  trails  the  ritch 
silks  o  v  w  i  m  m  i  n 
along  the  filthy  side- 
walks, leads  s  o  r  e- 
eyed  lap-dogs  with  a 
string,  and  banishes 
helpless  children  to 
murky  nnrserys,  in 
the  kare  ov  f::i:hlcss 
hirelings. 

She   cheats   the 

excentric  with  the  clap-trap  of  fredom,  and  makes  him  serve 
her  in  the  habiliments  ov  the  harlequin. 

Yea,  verily. 

FUN. 

Fun  is  the  soul's  vent. 

Fun  iz  whare  the  kruditys  eskape,  where  she  kiks  up  her 
heels,  and  runs  snorting  around  the  lot,  unhaltered,  and  az 
eager  az  an  eskaped  konvikt. 

Fun  iz  a  .safety-valve  that  lets  the  steam  preshure  oph  from 
the  biler,  and  keeps  things  from  bussting. 

Fun  iz  the  dansing  particles,  which  Hi  oph  from  the  surface 
ov  unbottled  cider,  it  iz  the  senseless  frolik  ov  the  spring  lam 
in  tke  clover,  it  r.:  the  merry  twinkle  that  kreeps  down  tew 


04  ESSAYS. 

the  korner  ov  the  parson's  eye,  to  stand  in  the  sunlite,  and 
see  what's  going  on. 

Fun  iz  az  karliss  az  a  kolt,  az  happy  az  a  bridegroom,  and 
az  silly  az  a  luv-sik  skool-girl. 

Fun  iz  the  holy  day  wisdum  ov  the  sage,  the  phools  pholly, 
and  every  bod  dys  puppet. 

Next  tew  the  virtew  in  this  world,  the  fun  in  it  iz  what  we 
tan  least  spare. 

Truly!  O!  truly! 

FRET. 

Fret  iz  a  kanker,  a  gangreene,  a  blister,  a  bile,  salt  on  a 
sore  place,  and  a  sliver  everywhare. 

Fret  iz  frickshun,  a  dull  lancet,  a  gimblet. 

Fret  makes  a  vunsr  man  ackt  like  an  old  one,  and  aii  old 

€/  O  ' 

man  ackt  like  a  yung  one. 

Fret  iz  a  grind  stun,  whare  he  holds  hi?  noze  on,  haz  tew 
do  hiz  own  turning. 

Fret  haz  burnt  more  holes  thru  a  man's  koppers  that  all 
the  other  hot  things,  it  haz  killed  az  oftei*  az  the  doktors 
hav,  and  iz  az  lawlessr-and  senseless,  az  a  goose. 

Fret  makes  the  husband  a  tyrant,  the  wife  a  plague,  the 
child  a  nuisance,  an  old  maid  terrible,  and  a  bachelor  disgust- 
ing. 

Fret  makes  home  a  prizon,  and  puts  teeth  into  thff  gum* 
ov  all  life's  misfortunes. 

I  bet !  thou  bet !  he,  she,  or  it,  bets  ! 

FURY. 

Fury  iz  the  tornado  ov  the  inner  man,  a  thunder  shower,  a 
a  blak  kloud  phull  ov  litening,  a  tiger  out  ov  hiz  kage,  a 
inaniak  armed,  a  bull  in  fli  time. 

Fury  knows  no  law  only  its  strength,  like  a  rocket,  it 
whizzes  till  it  busts,  and  when  it  haz  bust,  like  a  rocket,  it  h 
but  a  senseless  and  burnt  reed. 

Fury  iz  the  argument  ov  tyrants,  and   the  revenge  ov  the 


FITS— FUSS.  95 

embecile,  the  courage  ov  the  kat,  and  the  glowing  embers 
ov  dispair. 

Fury  makes  the  hornet  respektabel,  and   the   pissmire  a 
laffing  stok,  it  makes  the  eagle  allmoste  human,  and  clothes  the 
little  wren,  battling  for  her  brood,  with  a  halo  sublime. 
I    Indeed !  indeed ! 

FITS. 

Fits  are  the  moral  tumblings  ov  man's  natur,  the  bak  sum- 
mersets ov  hiz  disposishun,  the  flying  trapez  ov  the  krittei 
himself. 

Fits  prompt  him  tew  klimb  a  greatst  pole,  tew  fite  a  wind 
mill  at  short  range,  to  go  too  near  a  mule's  heels,  and  to 
make  a  kussid  phooi  ov  himself  generally. 

Fits  taketh  a  man  bi  the  end  ov  hiz  noze,  and  leadeth  him 
into  bak  lots. 

Fits  hav  no  consilience,  and  no  judgment. 

Fits  jerk  a  man  from  the  path  ov  duty,  they  knok  him 
krazy  at  noontime,  they  seize  him  at  twilite,  and  twist  him 
arly  in  the  morning. 

Sum  men,  and  sum  wimmen,  are  good  only  in  fits,  and  bad 
only  in  fits,  when  they  haint  got  a  fit  they  are  unfit  for 
ennything. 

Yes,  i  think  so. 
.' 

FUSS. 

Fuss  iz  like  an  old  setting  hen  when  she  cums  oph  from 
her  nest. 

Fuss  iz  like  kold  water  dropt  into  hot  grease — it  sputters, 
and  sputters,  and  then  sputters  agin. 

Fuss  iz  liaff-sister  to  Hurry,  and  neither  ov  them  kant  do 
enny  thing  without  gitting  in  their  own  way  and  stepping  on 
tJiemselfs. 

Thare  iz  more  fuss  in  this  world  than  thare  iz  hurry,  and 
thare  iz  a  thousand  times  more  ov  either  ov  them  than  thare 
iz  ov  dispatch. 

Fuss  works  hard  all  day,  and  don't  do  enny  tiling,  goes  to 


96 

bed  tired  at  night,  then  gits  up  next  morning,  and  begins 
agin  whare  she  left  oph. 
Oh,  dear !  wlii  iz  this  sutch. 

FELLOW. 

A  fellow  iz  like  a  bottle  ov  ginger  pop  that  haz  stood  six 
hours  with  the  kork  out,  in  a  warm  room — it  ain't  ginger 
nor  it  ain't  pop. 

A  fellow  iz  a  hybrid  ;  he  hain't  got  enny  more  karakter 
than  a  drizzly  day  haz,  he  iz  every  boddy's  cuzzin,  and  hangs 
around  like  a  lost  dog. 

He  iz  often  clever,  and  that  iz  jist  what  ruins  him.  A 
clever  phellow  iz  wuss  oph  than  a  mulatto. 

I  am  sorry  for  this — i  am  aktually  sad. 

FLUNKEY. 

Flunkeys  are  just  abuv  loafers,  and  just  belo  fellows. 

They  ain't  maskuline,  feminine,  nor  nuter — they  are  just 
human  dough. 

They  hav  the  currage  ov  a  spring  chicken,  the  ferocity  ov 
a  kricket,  the  combativness  ov  a  grasshopper,  and  the  bak- 
bone  ov  an  angleworm. 

They  are  human  dough  made  to  order,  and  baked  az  yu 
choose. 

Ain't  it  orful  2 

FINIS. 

Finis  iz  the  end  ov  all  things — the  happyest  place  in  the 
whole  job. 

All  things  on  arth  hav  an  end  to  them,  and  i  kant  think  ov 
but  phew  things  now  that  hain't  got  two. 

A  ladder  haz  two  ends  to  it,  and  the  surest  way  tew  git  to 
the  top  ov  it  iz  tew  begin  at  the  bottom. 

Finis  iz  the  best  and  only  friend  that  menny  a  man 
in  this  world  ever  haz,  and  sum  day  Finis  will  i^e  the  auto 
krat  ov  the  universe. 

Bullv  for  vu,  Finis, 


THE  NU  FOUNDLAKD  AND  THE  TARKIElt. 

DOGS  are  one  ov  the  luxury  s  ov  civilizashun. 
In  uncivilized  life  the}7  perhaps  are  more  one  ov  the 
necessity^,  az  they  quite  often  are  cooked,  and  eaten  whole. 

Among  the  civilized,  if  they  ever  do  git  onto  a  hill  ov  fare, 
(ov  which  i  have  mi  own  private  doubts,)  they  are  more  ar- 
tisktly  handled,  and  enter  into  hash,  or  sassage,  not  az  the 
leading  artikle,  but  more  tew  kreate  a  good  average. 

But  i  am  not  now  disposed  to  treat  ov  dogs  az  vittles,  but 
as  the  company un  ov  man,  hiz  pet,  and  hiz  partner. 

The  Xu  foundland  dog  iz  a  natiff  ov  the  place  whare  the 
nohel  kod fish  iz  kaught. 

He  dontliv  in  the  water,  like  the  kodfish,  but  unlike  the 
kodh'sh,  livs  on  the  land. 

Iliz  principal  amuzement  iz  saving  life,  and  i  am  told  that 
thare  iz  hardly  a  man,  or  a  woman,  in  all  Nu  foundland,  but 
what  haz  had  their  lives  saved  several  times  by  these  wonder- 
ful dogs. 

They  are  taken  from  Nu  foundland  to  various  parts  ov  the 
world,  and  are  kept  for  the  purpose  ov  dragging  the  drowning 
from  a  watery  grave. 

Yu  will  find  them  in  mountaneous  countrys,  whare  thare 
aint  enny  water,  but  little  brooks.  Here  they  dont  hav  mutch 
to  do,  in  their  line  ov  bizzness,  and  git  verry  fatt. 

But  i  am  told,  that  even  here,  they  dont  forget  their  natur, 
ind  kan  often  be  seen  looking  down  into  the  wells,  aftef 
drowning  men. 

7*  ^ 


98 


ANIMATED   XATUll. 


This  shows  the  grate  power  ov  instinkt,  and  the  force  or 
bizzness  habits,  alwus  looking  for  a  job. 

I  never  hav  had  mi  life  saved  by  one  ov  theze  nobel  krit- 
ters,  but  am  reddy  tew  hav  it  done,  at  enny  time,  at  the  usual 
rates. 

Life  iz  sweet,  and  it  iz  cheaper  tew"  hav  it  saved  by  a  dog 
than  by  a  doktor. 

But  these  dogs  are  all  hydropaths,  and  thare  iz  sum  pholks 
so  kussid  sentimental  that  they  had  rather  die  than  be  dokter- 
ed  bi  enny  thing  else  than  an  old  skool  allopath. 

I  am  just  phool  enuff,  if  I  waz  in  the  pond,  just  at  the  pint 
ov  deth  on  ackount  ov  too  mutch  water,  and  thare  waz  a  Nu- 
foundland  dog  standing  on  the  shore  out  ov  a  job,  I  should  let 

him  handle  the  case, 
rather  than  send  four 
miles  for  a  regular 
dokter. 

I  may  he  all  wrong 
in  this,  but  if  the  dog 
hauled    me    out    all 
^     right,  I   should  hav 
time  tew   repent  ov 
mi  blunder,  and  next 
time  send  for  a  phy- 
sician with  a  diploma. 
It  iz  never  too  late 
tew  repent  ov  a  blun- 
der, not  if  you  hav 
got   plenty   ov  time 
on    hand    that     you 
don't    kno   what    to 
BY  A  NEWFOUNDLAND  DOG      do  with. 

I  never  hav  owned 

a  Nuf  oundland  dog,  but  just  az  soon  as  i  git  able  tew  board 
one,  without  skrimping  mi  family,  i  mean  to  buy  one,  or  bor- 
ro  one,  just  for  hiz  board. 

I  don't  know  ov  enny  thing  more  magnificent  than  tew  hav 


THE  HAT  TARRIER.  .       99 

a  grate  illustrious  Nufoundland  dog  tew  follow  yu  in  a 
mountaneous  country. 

I  liv  at  Pordunk  (the  home  ov  the  Billings  family)  and 
Pordunk  iz  not  a  wet  place. 

Thare  iz  sum  good  wells  thare,  and  two  grocerys,  but  the 
water  priviliges  at  Pordunk  are  used  only  az  a  beverage. 

Thare  iz  only  one  Nufoundland  dog  now  at  Pordunk,  and  i 
think  the  town  would  support  two. 

I  don't  suppose  i  should  hav  work  enuff  tew  keep  one  ov 
theze  nobel  animals  bizzy  hauling  drowning  men  out  ov  wells, 
but  in  the  spring  ov  the  year,  after  the  gardens  waz  made,  i 
could  lend  him  out  tew  the  nabors  tew  run  in  the  gardens. 

I  don't  kno  ov  enny  thing  better  tew  keep  the  angleworms, 
and  early  lettiss,  and  beets  out  ov  a  garden  than  a  full-grown 
Nufoundland  pup. 

It  iz  nothing  but  phun  tew  giv  them  a  kalf-skin  boot,  and 
turn  them  out  into  a  mi-made  garden,  and  see  them  kick  up 
their  heels,  stir  up  the  garden,  and  jerk  the  boot. 

I  ana  almoste  krazy  tew  hav  a  Kufoundland  dog.    , 

THE    EAT    TAEEIER. 

Theze  dear  little  pets  ov  the  dog  perswashun  are  natiffs  ov 
the  ile  ov  Grate  Brittain. 

They  are  born  there  with  grate  precision  and  purity  ov  kar- 
akter,  hav  a  pedigree  az  klean  az  the  queen's,  and  as  free  from 
spots  az  a  nu  tin  dipper. 

A  rat  tarrier  who  could  ketch  97  rats  a  day,  with  a  rust  on 
his  pedigree,  ain't  worth  only  haft'  az  mutch  in  market  az  one 
with  a  pure  set  ov  ansestors,  who  couldn't  ketch  only  43  rats. 

It  iz  hard  work  for  a  kussed  phool  tew  see  this,  but  it  takes 
edukashun  tew  see  theze  things. 

A  man  without  edukashun  kan  stand  out  doors  in  a  klear 
night  and  count  the  moon,  and  he  won't  see  enny  thing  but 
a  grate  chunk  ov  light  sumthing  bigger  than  a  kartwheel. 

But  you  let  an  edukated  man  stan  out  there  by  his  side,  and 
he  kan  see  turnpikes,  and  loll  gates,  and  torch -lite  proceshuns, 


100  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

and  wimmin's  rites  convenshuns,  and  municipal  rings,  and 
koporashuu  thieving  in  it. 

Edukashun  iz  bully. 

The  rat  tarrier  iz  not  so  mutch  dog.  az  a  personal  matter,  az 
the  Nufotmdland  iz,  but  he  haz  more  grit  to  the  square  inch. 

Just  so  the  hornet  haz  <K»t  more  stinc;  tew  them  than  a 

o  o 

slianghi  pullet  haz,  and  an  angleworm  haz  more  grit  in  them 
than  an  hanakonda  haz.  Xatur  bosses  these  jobs,  and  natur 
never  underlets  a  kontract.  There  is  one  thing  I  alvrus  did 
like  natur  for,  she  don't  take  the  trouble  tew  explain.  She  don't 
object  tew  persons  asking  questions,  and  guessing  at  things, 
but  if  enny  boddy  asks  her  whi  a  frog  kan  jump  further  at 
one  highst  than  a  tud  kan,  she  tells  the  phellow  (if  she  tells 
him  ennything)  never  tew  bet  on  the  tud,  unless  he  wants  tew 
looze  his  munny. 

I  never  havhad  the  happiness  yet  to  own  a  rat  tarrier  even, 
in  fakt  i  hav  allus  been  poor,  and  haven't  been  beforehanded 
enuff  yet  tew  own  a  dog. 

I  mean  sum  time  tew  hav  a  rat  tarrier,  and  then  I  sr.ppoze, 
to  enjoy  myself,  I  shall  have  tew  git  sum  rats.  This  iz  the 
way  with  all  the  luxurys  ov  life,  one  luxury  makes  another 
one  necessary.  Thar  iz  one  thing  certain,  if  i  ever  do  own  a 
Xufoundlaud,  or  rat  tarrier,  they  hav  got  tew  be  thorobred. 
I  must  kno  all  ov  their  relashuns,  inkluding  their  mother-in- 
law,  and  if  thare  iz  a  blot  on  thur  reputashun,  as  big  as  a  fli 
gpck,  the  dog  wont  sute  me. 

I  must  hav  the  pedigree  all  rite,  if  the  dog  aint  wuth  a  kuss 


THE  MONKEY. 

THE  monkey  iz  a  human  being,  a  little  undersised,  kivvered 
with  hair,  hitched  to  a  tail,  and  iilled  with  the  devil. 
Naturalists  will  tell  you,  if  you  ask  them,  that  i  am  mista- 
ken, that  i  mean  well  enuff,  and  don't  mean  tew  deceive  enny- 
body,  but  the  monkey  iz  not  a  human  being,  he  iz   simply  * 


THE  MONKP;Y  lol 

pun  on  humanity,  a  kind  of  malishus  joke  ov  Jupiter's,  a  libel, 
with  a  long  tail  tew  it,  a  misterious  inixtnr  ov  ludikrous  mis- 
chief, and  stale  humor,  a  kind  of  pacing  hobbyhoss,  or  con- 
nekting  gang-plank,  between  man  in  his  dignity  and  the  beast 
in  his  darkness. 

I  hav  a  hi  opinynn  ov  the  naturalist,  and  all  kinds  ov  the 
dictionary  fraternity,  and  touch  mi  hat  tew  them,  when  we 
/neet,  and  i  respect  them  for  what  they  know,  but  don't  wor- 
ship them  for  what  they  don't  know,  as  the  heathens  do,  their 
wodden  gods. 

I  don't  kare  what  the  philosophers  say  they  kan  prove  in 
this  matter,  i  tell  you  confidenshally,  mi  Christian  friend,  that 
you  and  the  monkey,  are  relashuns. 

I  don't  pretend  tew  say  that  you  are  brothers  and  sisters, 
but  i  do  pretend  tew  state,  that  monkeys,  or  enny  other  kind 
ov  critters,  who  exercise  reason,  even  if  the  light  ov  it,  is  dim 
az  a  number  six  dip  candle,  in  the  rays  ov  the  noon  day  sun, 
are  our  relashuns,  for  a  certain  amount. 

The  only  fence  between  the  animal  and  brute  folks,  iz 
instinkt  and  reason,  and  if  the  natralist  kant  prove  that  the 
monkey  don't  show  a  single  glimmering  ov  reason,  i  say  he 
must  step  oph  from  the  monkey's  tail,  and  let  him  eat  at  the 
fust  table. 

The  monkey  iz  imitative  tew  the  highest  degree,  and  imita- 
shun  iz  a  dirckt  transgreshun  ov  the  law  ov  instinkt,  and  iz 
fallow  ground  within  the  domain  of  reazon. 

Instinkt  don't  step  one  single  step  aside,  tew  smell  ov  a 
flower  or  pull  a  cat's  tail. 

But  argument  ain't  mi  fighting  weight,  i  git  along  the  best 
by  asserting  things  az  they  strike  me,  and  i  say  upwards  ov 
four  thousand  things  every  year,  thati  kant  prove,  enny  more 
than  i  kan  prove  what  melody  iz. 

The  naturalist  may  hav  their  own  way,  but  they  kant  hav 
mine,  what  little  i  know  about  things  haz  bin  whispered  tew 
me  by  the  spirits,  or  some  other  romping  critters,  and  is  az 
distinkt  and  butiful.  sunitimes  to  me,  as  a  dream  on  an  empty 
stummuk ;  it  may  be  all  wrong  but  it  never  iz  viscious,  and 
thus  i  koriklude  it  iz  edukashun. 


L<>2  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

Now  i  don't  advise  ennybody  else  tew  depend  for  theii 
learning  upon  sicli  prekarious  school  masters,  the  best  way  iz 
tew  follow  the  ruts,  it  will  take  you  to  town  just  az  it  did  yure 
daddy. 

The  route  that  i  travel  iz  cirkuitns  and  blind  sometimes,  it 
haz  now  and  then  a  Vista,  or  a  landscape  in  it,  that  iz  worth, 
tew  me,  more  than  a  farm  ov  tillable  land,  but  you  kant  raize 
good  white  beans  on  a  landskape. 

Whenever  i  drop  mi  subject,  and  begin  tew  strut  in  the 
subburbs  ov  sentimeiitility  and  proverbial  pomposity,  i  alwus 
think  ov  a  gobble  turkey,  in  a  barn-yard,  on  dress  parade, 
and  that  is  jist  what  i  am  thinking  ov  now,  and  therefore  i 
will  dismount  from  the  turkey,  and  git  aboard  the  monkey, 
(the  monkey  az  he  am)  once  more. 

Pure  deviltry  iz  the  monkeys  right  bower ;  he  iz  only  val- 
uable, (az  personal  property)  tew  look  at,  and  wonder  what 
he  iz  a  going  tew  do  next. 

He  iz  a  jack  at  all  trades,  put  him  in  a  barber  shop,  he  will 
lather,  and  try  tew  shave  himself,  and  color  his  mustash,  put 
him  in  a  dri  good  store,  and  he  will  handle  more  goods,  than 
the  best  retail  clerk  in  A.  T.  Stewart's  employ. 

The  monkey  haz  not  got  a  logikal  head,  it  iz  tew  mutch 
like  a  pin  hed,  all  in  a  heap  to  onst,  but  hiz  face  is  a  concen- 
trated dew  drop  of  malishus  mischief. 

He  resembles  the  rat  tarrier  in  countenance,  and  skratches 
hiz  hed,  az  natral  az  a  distrikt  skool  boy,  and  undoubtedly  for 
the  same  reason. 

Monkeys  never  grow  enny  older  in  expreshun,  a  yung  mon- 
key looks  just  like  his  grandpapa,  melted  up  and  born  again. 

They  are  sometimes  kept  as  pets,  but  i  should  rather  watch 
two  adopted  orphan  boys,  fresh  from  the  Home  of  the  Friend- 
less, than  twro  monkeys. 

They  will  eat  everything  that  a  man  will,  except  bolony 
sarsage,  here  they  show  more  instinkt,  than  reason. 

But  after  all,  tho  the  monkey  shows  evident  sighns  ov  rc;i- 
zon,  they  are,  az  a  means  ov  praktikal  grace,  the  most  useless 
kritters  i  hav  ever  pondered  over  and  skratched  mi  head 


THE  PISSMIKE.  103 

They  won't  work,  and  they  won't  play,  unless  they  kan 
raize  sum  devil,  they  are  too  mutch  like  a  human  being  in 
looks,  and  actions  to  kill  off,  it  is  impossible  tew  gaze  at  one 
and  git  mad  at  him,  and  it  iz  impossible  tew  laff  at  their  smirk- 
ing santanity,  without  getting  mad  at  yureself. 

If  enny  boddy  should  make  me  a  present  ov  a  monkey,  i 
don't  know  now,  whether  i  should  konsider  it  intended  for 
malice,  or  a  joke,  but  i  do  know,  that  i  should  send  him  back 
bi  the  same  person  that  fetched  him,  tew  the  donor,  marked 
in  loud  italicks — C.  0.  D. 

In  conklusion  ;  thare  iz  only  one  thing  that  i  have  a  grate 
supply  ov  doubt  about,  in  reference  tew  the  monkey,  and  that 
iz  his  moral  stamina,  while  in  the  garden  ov  Eden,  with  the 
rest  ov  the  critters,  previous  tew  the  time  that  Adam  fell ; — 
was  he  strickly  on  the  square,  or  was  he  just  az  full  ov  the 
devil  az  he  is  now  ? 

An  answer  tew  the  above  konumdrum  iz  earnestly  solicited. 


THE  PISSMIKE. 

THE   pissmire  iz  about  19  sizes  bigger  than  the  ant,  aktual 
meazurement,  and  iz  a  kind  ov  bizzy  loafer  among  bugs. 

They  are  like  sum  men,  alwus  very  bizzy  about  sumthing, 
but  what  it  iz,  the  Lord  only  knows. 

I  never  see  a  pissmire  yet  that  wasn't  on  the  travel,  but  i 
hav  watched  them  all  day  long,  and  never  see  them  git  tew  the 
place  they  started  for. 

Just  before  a  hard  shower  they  are  in  the  biggest  hurry, 
they  seem  tew  postpone  every  thing  for  that  ockashun. 

Thar  iz  a  grate  difference  between  hurry  and  dispatch,  but 
pissmires  dont  seem  to  understand  the  difference. 

If  pissmires  would  go  slower  I  should  like  them  better,  for 
i  dont  know  ov  ennything  more  unpleasaut  to  view,  than  an 
aktive  loafer. 

A  pissmire  iz  like  a  boys  wind  mill,  on  the  gable  end  ov  a 
smoke  house,  in  a  gale,  the  faster  it  goze  round,  the  less  com 
won  sense  tharo  seems  tew  be  in  it. 


10-i 


ANIMATED  NATUR. 


If  pissmires  haint  got  a  destiny  ov  sum  kind  tew  fill  they 
wear  out  more  slm  leather  than  thare  iz  enny  religion  in. 


7 


THE  POLE  KAT. 

MY  friend,  did  yu  ever  examiii  tlie  fragrant  pole  kat  clussly  ? 
I  guess  not,  they  are  a  kritter  who  won't  bear  examining 
with  a  microskope. 

They  are  Lutiful  beings,  but  oh  !  how  deceptive. 
Their  habits  are  phew,  Lmt  unique. 

They  bild  their  houses  out  ov  earth  and  the  houses  hav  but 
one  door  tew  them,  and  that  iz  a  front  door. 

When  they  enter  their  houses  they  don't  shut  the  door  after 
them. 

They  are  called  pole  kats  bekause  it  iz  not  convenient  tew 

kill  them  with  aklub, 
but  with  a  pole,  and 
the  longer  the  pole 
the  more  convenient. 
Writers  on  natural 
history,  dissagree 
about  the  right  length 
ov  the  pole  tew  be 
used,  but  i  would  sug- 
gest, that  the  pole  be 
about  305  feet,  espesh- 
ily  if  the  wind  iz  in 
favor  ov  the  pole  kat 
When  a  pole  kat 
iz  suddenly  walloped 
with  a  long  pole,  the 
fust  thing  he,  she,  or 
it  duz,  iz  tew  embalm 
the  air,  for  m  enny 
miles  in  diameter,  with  an  akrimonious  olifaktory  refreshment, 
which  permeates  the  ethereal  fluid,  with  an  entirely  oi-iginxJ 


THE  WEAZEL.  LOa 

This  smell  iz  less  popular,  in  the  fashionable  world,  than 
lubins  extrakt,  but  the  day  may  cum  when  it  will  be  bottled 
up  like  musk,  and  sold  for  87  1-2  cents  per  bottle ;  bottles 
small  at  that. 

A  pole  kat  will  remove  the  filling  from  aliens  egg,  without 
braking  a  hole  in  the  shell,  bigger  than  a  marrow  fat  pea. 

How  this  iz  did  historians  hav  left  us  to  doubt. 

This  iz  vulgarily  called  "  surking  eggs." 

This  iz  an  accomplishment  known  amung  humans,  which  it 
iz  sed,  they  hav  learnt  from  the  pole  kats. 

Pole  kats  also  deal  in  chickens,  yung  turkeys,  and  yung 
goslins. 

They  won't  tutok  an  old  goose,  they  are  sound  on  that 
question. 

Man  iz  the  only  phellow  who  will  attempt  tew  bight  into  an 
old  goose,  and  his  teeth  fly  oph  a  grate  menny  times  before  he 
loosens  enny  ov  the  meat. 

A  pole  kat  travels  under  an  alias,  which  is  called  skunk. 
Thare  iz  a  grate  rnenny  aliases  that  thare  iz  no  accounting  for, 
and  this-iz  one  ov  them. 

I  hav  kaught  skunks  in  a  trap.  They  are  eazier  tew  git  into 
a  trap  than  tew  git  out  ov  it. 

In  taking  tkem  out  ov  a  trap  grate  judgment  must  be  had 
not  tew  shake  them  up;  the  more  yu  shake  them  up  the  more 
ambrosial  they  am. 

One  pole  kat  in  a  township  is  emiff,  espeshily  if  the  wind 
changes  once  in  a  while. 

A  pole  kat  skin  iz  wuth  2  dollars,  in  market,  after  it  iz 
skinned,  but  it  iz  wuth  3  dollars  and  fifty  cents  tew  skin 
him. 

This  iz  one  way  tew  make  12  shillings  in  a  wet  day. 


THE  WEAZEL. 

THE  \reazel  haz  an  eye  like  a  hawk,  and  a  tooth  like  a  pick- 
erel. 

They  kan  see  on  all  three  sides  of  a   right    angle  trt  angle 
board  fence,  at  owe,  and  Iran  bite  thru  a  side  ov  sole  leather. 


106  ANIMATED  NATUK. 

They  alwus  sleep  with  one  eye  open,  and  the  other  on  the 
wink,  and  are  quicker  than  spirits  ov  turpentine,  and  a  lighted 
match. 

It  iz  no  disgrace  for  a  streak  ov  litening  tew  strike  at  a  wea- 
zel  and  miss  him. 

If  I  owned  a  weazel,  litening  mite  strike  at  him  all  day  foi 
50  cents  a  clap. 

I  hav  tried  tew  kill  them  in  a  stun  wall  with  a  rifle,  but 
they  would  dodge  the  ball,  when  it  got  within  six  inches  ov 
them,  and  stick  their  heads  out  ov  another  krack,  three  feet 
further  oph. 

They  are  the  hardest  kritter  aiming  the  small  game  tew 
ketch  or  tew  kill,  yu  kant  coax  one  into  a  trap,  and  keep  him 
thare,  enny  more  than  yu  could  ketch  a  ray  of  light,  with  a 
knot  hole. 

Weazles  are  skarse,  but  the  supply  alwus  equals  the  demand, 
they  aint  useful  only  for  one  thing,  and  that  iz,  too  kill 
chickens. 

They  will  kill  14  chickens  in  one  night,  and  take  off  the 
blood  with  them,  leaving  the  corpse  behind. 

I  hunted  3  weeks  for  a  weazle  once  (it  iz  now  six  years  ago), 
and  knu  just  whare  he  waz  all  the  the  time,  and  hain't  got 
him  yet. 

I  offered  10  dollars  reward  for  him,  and  hold  the  stakes 
yet. 

Every  boy  in  that  naborhood  waz  after  that  weazle  nite 
and  day,  and  I  had  tew  withdraw  the  reward  to  keep  from 
breaking  up  the  distrikt  skool. 

The  skoolmaster  threatened  tew  su  me  if  i  didn't,  and  i  did 
it,  for  i  hate  a  law  suit  rather  wuss  than  i  do  a  weazle. 

A  weazle's  skin,  wore  on  the  neck,  it  iz  sed,  will  kure  the 
quinsy  sore  thrut,  but  the  phellow  who  sed  this  had  a  sure 
thing ;  he  knu  nobody  could  ketch  the  weazle. 

I  waz  told,  when  i  waz  a  boy,  by  a  cunning  cuss,  that  the 
way  tew  ketch  a  crow  waz  tew  put  sum  salt  on  hiz  tail.  I 
prakticed  all  one  summer  on  this,  but  never  got  sum  crow. 

I  hav  did  things  az  foolish  az  this  since  i  hav  quit  being  a 
boy,  but  prefer  tew  keep  mum  what  they  are.  •* 


ANGLE  WORMS.  107 

Weazles  hav  got  MO  wisdum,  but  hav  got  what  iz  sumthnes 
mistaken  for  it,  they  hav  got  cunning. 

Cunning  stands  in  the  same  relashun  tew  wisdinii  that  a  tad- 
pole duz  tew  a  f rug,  lie  may  git  tew  be  a  frog  if  he  keeps  on 
growing,  but  he  aint  one  now. 

Wisdiun  knows  how  tew  jump,  but  about  the  best  thing 
that  cunning  can  do  iz  tew  wiggle. 

I  hav  saw  cunning  men  who  thought  they  waz  wize,  but  i 
never  saw  a  wise  man  who  thought  he  waz  cunning. 


ANGLE  WORMS 

ARE  ov  arth,  arthy,  and  crawl  for  a  living.  They  liv  in 
ritch  ground  ;  ground  that  won't  raize  angle-worms  won't 
raize  enny thing  else,  and  whare  angle-worms  rejoice,  corn  iz 
sure  to  be  bully.  If  yu  want  yure  angleworms  ov  enny  size, 
yu  must  manure  yure  sile.  There  aint  nothing  on  arth  more 
miserable  tew  ponder  over  and  weep  about  than  a  half  starved 
angle-worm.  Angleworms  are  a  sure  crop  on  good  sile,  and 
handy  tew  hoe,  for  they  plant  and  harvest  themselfs.  They 
don't  take  up  mutch  room  in  the  ground,  and  are  az  kind  tew 
childen  az  a  piece  ov  red  tape. 

It  iz  sed  by  the  naturalists  that  angle  worm  ile,  rubbed  on 
the  rear  ov  the  neck,  will  kure  a  man  ov  the  lies.  I  don't 
bcleave  this,  unless  it  kills  the  man.  Death  iz  the  only  relia- 
ble heal  for  lieing  that  has  bin  diskovered  yet. 

"When  lieing  gits  into  a  man's  blood,  the  only  way  tew  git 
it  out,  iz  tew  drain  him  dry. 

Angle  worms  arc  used  az  an  artikle  ov  diet  tew  ketch  fish 
with ;  they  are  handy  tew  put  onto  a  hook,  and  handy  tew 
take  oph,  az  enny  boddy  knows,  who  haz  straddled  a.  saw  log 
and  fished  fordaice  all  daylong  Sunday  in  a  mill  pond. 

Old  fishermen  alwus  carry  their  worms  in  their  mouth. 

Angle  worms  liv  in  a  round  hole,  which  they  fit  like  aginv 


108  ANIMATED  XATUK. 

let,  and  are  ditfrent  from  aul   other  creeps  that  1  kno  ov,  for 
they  alwus  back  into  their  holes. 

llere  the  natral  angle  worm  ends. 
*  ******* 


THE  MOUSE. 

EVER  since  natur  waz  diskovered,  mice  hav  had  a  hole  tew 
fill. 

Paradise,  az  good  a  job  az  it  waz,  would  not  has'  bin  thor- 
oughly fitted  up  without  a  mouse  tew  dart  akross  the  bowers 
like  a  shaddo,  and  Eve  would  never  have  kiiu  how  tew  skream 
pretty  without  one  ov  these  little  teachers. 

Adam  would  never  hav  bin  fit  tew  kontend  with  the  job  ov 
gitting  a  living  outside  the  garden  if  he  hadn't  trapped  suck- 
cessfully  for  a  mouse. 

Ketching  a  mouse  iz  the  fust  cunning  thing  that  every 
man  dnz. 

Mice  are  the  epitome  of  shrewdness  ;  their  faces  beam  with 
sharp  praktiss;  their  little  noses  smell  ov  cunning,  and  their 
little  black-beaded  eyes  titter  with  pettit  larceny. 

They  are  az  cheerful  az  the  criket  on  the  harth.  i  should  be 
afrade  tew  buy  a  house  that  hadn't  a  mouse-hole  in  it. 

I  like  tew  see  them  shoot  out  ov  their  hole  in  the  korner, 
like  a  wad  out  ov  a  pop-gun,  and  stream  akross  the  nursery, 
and  to  hear  one  nibble  in  the  wainscot,  in  the  midst  ov  the 
night,  takes  the  death  out  ov  silence. 

Mice  alwus  move  into  a  new  house  fust,  and  are  there  redd  y 
lew  receive  and  welkum  the  rest  ov  the  family. 

They  are  more  ornamental  than  useful,  ackordingto  the  best 
inf ormashun  we  hav  az  yet ;  but  this  iz  the  case  with  most 
things. 

Mice  cum  into  this  world  tew  seek  their  fortune,  four  at  a 
time,  and  lay  in  their  little  kradles  ov  cotton  or  wool,  like  bits 
ov  rare-dun  meat,  for  a  month,  with  not  n  rag  on  them. 


THE  MOUSE.  109 

Wlien  they  dine,  they  doit  jist  az  a  family  ov  yung  piggs 
duz  :  each  one  at  their  own  particular  spot  at  the  table,  and  it 
is  seldum  that  yu  see  better-behaved  boarders,  or  them  that 
understand  their  bizzness  more  thoroughly. 

I  hav  seen  them  at  their  meals,  and  i  will  take  mi  oath  that 
everything  iz  orderly,  and  az  strikly  on  the  square,  as  a  check- 
er-board. 

When  mice  hav  reached  their  manhood,  their  tales  are  just 
the  same  length  az  their  boddys.  This  would  seem  at  fust 
sight  tew  be  a  grate  waste  ov  tail. 

The  philosophik  mind,  ever  at  work,  applying  means  tew 
ends,  might  be  a  bigg  phool  enufftew  want  to  know  whi  a  bob- 
tailed  mouse  wouldn't  be  a  better  finished  job  ;  but  philosophy 
haz  no  bizzness  tew  alter  things  to  suit  the  market.  It  must 
take  mouse-tails  just  az  they  cum,  and  either  glorify  them,  or 
shut  up. 

If  there  want  ennybody  in  the  natral  philosophy  trade,  i  hav 
thought  it  would  be  jist  as  well  for  natur  bekause  a  man,  if  he 
kant  orthodox  a  reason  for  the  entire  length  ov  a  mouse's  tale 
iz  often  willing  tew  tell  hiz  nabors  that  the  whole  critter  iz  a 
failure. 

Sutch  iz  man  ;  but  a  mouse  iz  a  mouse. 

The  mouse  kan  live  enny whare  tew  advantage,  except  in  a 
church.  They  phatt  very  slow  in  a  church.  This  goes  tew 
show  that  they  kant  live  on  religion  enny  more  than  a  minis- 
ter kan.  Religion  iz  excellent  for  digestion. 

Thare  aint  a  more  prolifick  thing  on  earth  (prolifick  ov  fun  i 
mean  now)  than  a  mouse  in  a  distrikt  school-house.  They  are 
better  than  a  fire-cracker  tew  stir  up  a  school-marm  with,  and 
are  just  the  things  tew  throw  spellin  books  at  when  they  are  on 
the  run. 

One  mouse  will  edukate  a  parcell  ov  yung  ones  more  in  ten 
minnitts  during  school  time  than  you  can  substrakt  out  ov 
their  heds  in  three  days  with  Daballs  arithmetik. 

Now  thare  iz  many  folks  who  kant  see  ennything  to  write 
about  in  a  mouse ;  but  mice  are  full  ov  informaslnm.  The  only 
way  that  edukashun  was  fust  discovered  waz  bi  going  te\v 


110  ANIMATED   NATUfc. 

school  to  natur.  Books,  if  they  are  sound  on  the  goose,  are 
only  natur  in  tipe. 

A  grate  many  Contend  that  a  mouse  iz  a  useless  kritter ;  but 
kan  they  prove  it  ? 

I  am  willing  to  give  an  opinyun  that  too  menny  mice  might 
jiot  pay  ;  but  this  applies  to  musketoze,  elephants,  and  side- 
wheel  steambotes. 

A  mouse's  tale  iz  az  unhairy  az  a  shustring.  This  iz  an- 
other thing  that  bothers  the  philosophers,  and  i  aint  agoing  to 
explain  it  unless  i  am  paid  for  it. 

I  hiiv  alreddy  explained  a  grate  menny  things  in  the  nuze- 
papers  that  i  never  got  a  cent  for. 

There  aint  nothing  on  earth  that  will  fit  a  hole  so  snug  az  a 
mouse  will.  Yu  would  think  they  waz  made  on  purpose  for  it, 
and  they  will  fill  it  quicker,  too,  than  ennything  i  ever  saw. 
If  yu  want  to  see  a  mouse  enter  hiz  hole,  yu  mustn't  wink.  If 
do,  yu  will  hav  tew  wait  till  next  time. 

I  luv  mice.     They  seem  tew  belong  to  us. 

Rats  i  dont  luv.     They  lack  refinement. 


THE  TALLER  DOG. 

DOGS  hav  infested  this  world  just  about  az  long  az  man 
haz,  and  will  hang  around  it,  az  long  az  thare  is  eimy 
grizzle  left  on  a  bone. 

We  hav  no  reliable  ackount  ov  the  fust  dog,  and  probably 
shant  hav  ov  the  final  one. 

If  Adam  kept  a  tarrier,  or  Eve  a  poodle,  the  laps  of  ages  hav 
washed  away  the  fakt. 

If  Noah  had  a  pair  ov  each  breed  ov  dogs,  on  board  ov  hiz 
vessell,  and  only  one  pair  ov  fleas,  he  waz  well  ont  for  dogs, 
and  poor  ont  for  fleas.  But  history  iz  numb  on  this  subjekt. 

Esaw  waz  a  inity  hunter,  but  whether  he  kept  a  houn,  or 
followed  the  cent  himself,  iz  az  ded,  and  departed  to  us,  az  the 
chirp  ov  the  fust  reliable  cricket. 


THE  TALLER  DOG. 


111 


We  read  that  Esaw  sold  out  hiz  birth  rite  for  soup,  and 
menny  wonder  at  hiz  extravegance,  but  Esaw  diskovered  arly, 
what  irienny  a  man  haz  diskovered  since,  that  it  iz  hard  work 
tew  live  on  a  pedigree. 

If  i  vvaz  starving,  I  wouldn't  hesitate  tew  swap  oph  all  the 
pedigree  I  had,  and  all  mi  relashuns  had,  for  a  quart  of  pot- 
tage, and  throw  two  grate  grandfathers  into  the  bargain 

But  I  don't  in- 
tend this  essa  for 
dogs  in  the  lump, 
but  for  the  individ- 
ual yellar  dog  him- 
self. 

The  yellar  dog 
haz  no  pedigree, 
the  blood  in  hiz 
veins  iz  az  krnde 
az  petroleum,  when 
it  fust  cums  pump- 
ing  out  ov  the 
earth,  bitter,  thick, 
and  fiery. 

He  iz  long,  and 
lazily  put  together, 
hiz  ears  flop  when 
he  shacks  along  the  drsty  thoroughfare,  and  hiz  tail  iz  a  burden 

Thare  iz  no  animashun  in  a  yeller  dog's  tail,  it  iz  useless, 
the  flies  aint  even  afraid  ov  it,  it  iz  wus  than  a  10  per  cent 
mortgage  tew  the  rest  ov  hiz  boddy. 

Whi  the  Yeller  dog  aint  born  diskounted,  iz  a  mistery  tew 
me,  but  when  i  ask  miself,  "  Whare  would  yu  hitch  the  tin 
pan  to,"  then  at  once  the  folly  ov  a  bob  tailed  yeller  dog, 
flashes  on  mi  mind. 

Ever  since  this  kontment  waz  found  bi  Christopher  Colum- 
bus, in  1492,  and  for  what  ikrio,  much  time  previous  tew  that, 


112  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

the  Teller  dog  haz  been  a  vagrant,  travelling  bi  moon  lite, 
and  hungry  bi  natur. 

Whare  lie  curas  from  noboddy  seems  to  know,  and  if  yu 
speak  a  kind  word  tew  him,  he  thinks  it  a  kite  in  disguise, 
and  straddling  hiz  tail,  with  both  hind  legs,  he  goes  suspicions, 
and  sideways,  on  his  lonesum  jumey. 

Mankind  hav  made  him  a  vagabond,  and  life  to  him  iz  made 
np  ov  starvashun,  and  brickbats. 

If  he  cuins  out  ov  hiz  lurking  place  in  the  hot  ov  august, 
lie  iz  a  "  mad  dog"  and  the  common  council  at  once  assemble, 
the  riot  act  iz  read,  50  dollars  reward  iz  offered,  men  cum  pant- 
ing into  town,  crieing  " mad  dog"  their  two  horse  waggon 
waz  bit  that  morning,  bi  a  yaller  dog,  the  fury  rages,  old  guns 
are  kleaned  up,  the  cannon  iz  run  out  on  the  village  green, 
dames  talk  to  dames  ov  the  awful  event,  men  look  sober  and 
defiant,  boys  pocket  their  marbles  in  the  midst  ov  the  game, 
pigs  run  squealing  tew  their  hovels,  aiid  the  whole  boddy 
politik  surges  with  horror. 

The  poor  innocent  whelp  haz  done  hiz  worst,  and  while  a 
whole  village  iz  in  the  extacys  ov  hydrophobia  he  has  passed 
on,  and  may  be  seen,  tugging  away,  in  the  subbnrbs,  at  the 
shin  bone  ov  a  departed  omnibus  hoss. 

The  yellcr  dog  haz  but  one  friend  among  men,  and  that  iz 
the  darkey. 

A  common  misfortune  liiiks  them  together. 

Why  iz  it,  ,that  the  old  negro,  and  hiz  yeller  dog,  are  vaga- 
bonds on  the  face  ov  the  earth  ? 

Mans  inhumanity  iz  wuss  than  the  malice  ov  wild  beasts. 

A  day  ov  reckoning  will  cum,  a  day  ov  judgment,  and  i 
kant  tell  but  what  the  yeller  dog  will  be  thare,  a  mute  wit- 
ness, and  then,  and  thare,  will  the  grate  problem  be  solved. 

This  wurld  iz  phull  ov  grate  wrongs,  and  the  next  one  will 
az  certainly  be  az  phull  ov  grate  retribushuns. 

I  kant  endure  the  sight  ov  oppreshun,  it  disgraces  mi  man- 
hood, if  i  had  money  enuff  i  would  like  tew  buy  even  all 
the  yeller  dogs  thare  iz  now  on  the  buzzum  ov  the  earth,  and 
make  them  respekted  and  happy. 


ROOSTERS.  113 

But  i  haint  got  the  money,  nor  never  shall  hav,  but  ax  long 
az  i  hav  .strength  tew  steer  a  gooze  quill,  and  blood  cnutf  in 
mi  heart  for  ink,  i  will  bid  mankind  beware  ov  oppreshun,  i 
dont  kare  whether  it  is  in  hi  places  or  low,  the  oppreshun  ov 
caste,  the  oppreshun  ov  wealth,  or  even  the  low,  and  degrading 
oppreshun,  ov  a  tin  pale,  in  hot  pursuit,  ov  the  friendless, 
yelping,  yeller  dog. 

Teller  dogs  will  su  in  time,  and  sumwhare,  hav  their  day, 
and  when  the  huge  piles  ov  brikbats,  and  mountains  ov  old 
tin  ware,  cums  into  court,  i  want  tew  be  thare,  for  i  am  anx- 
ious tew  know  what  the  line  ov  defence  will  be. 


ROOSTERS. 

is  not  on  the  whole  horizon  or  ov  live  natur  a 
_L  more  pleazing  and  strengthening  studdy  than  the  Rooster. 
This  remarkable  package  of  feathers  has  bin  for  ages  food  for 
philosophik,  as  well  as  the  simple  currious  mind.  They 
belong  tew  the  feathered  sekt  denominated  poultry,  and  are 
the  husbands  of  menny  -wives.  In  Utah  it  is  konsidered  a 
disgrace  tew  speak  disrespekful  of  a  rooster.  Brigham 
Young's  coat  ov  arms  is  a  rooster,  in  full  blast,  crowing  till 
he  is  almost  bent  over  double  backwards. 

The  flesh  ov  the  rooster  is  very  similar  tew  the  flesh  ov  the 
hen ;  it  is  hard  tew  distinguish  the  diffrence  espeshily  in  yure 
soup.  Roosters  are  the  pugilists  aiming  the  domestik  burds  ; 
they  wear  the  belt,  and  having  no  shoulder  tew  strike  from, 
they  strike  from  the  heel. 

Roosters,  according  to  profane  history,  if  mi  edukashun 
remembers  me  right,  were  formerly  a  man,  who  come  sud- 
denly upon  one  ov  the  heathen  gods,  at  a  time  -when  he  want 
prepared  tew  see  company,  and  waz,  for  that  offense,  rebuilt 
over  into  the  fust  rooster,  and  waz  forever  afterward  destined  to 
crow,  as  a  kind  ov  warning.  This  change  from  a  man  akounts 
for  their  fighting  abilities,  and  for  their  politeness  tew  tho 
8} 


\  14  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

liens.  Thare  is  nothing  in  a  man  that  a  woman  admires 
more  than  his  reddyness  and  ability  tew  smash  another  fellow, 
and  it  iz  jiss  so  with  a  hen.  "When  a  rooster  gits  licked,  the 
hens  all  march  oph  with  the  other  rooster,  if  he  ain't  haff  so 
big  or  handsome. 

It  iz  pluck  that  wins  a  hen  or  a  woman. 

Thare  iz  grate  variety  ov  pedigree  aiming  the  rooster 
race,  but  for  stiddy  bizzness  give  me  the  old  fash  dominique 
rooster,  short-legged,  and  when  they  walk,  they  alwus  strut, 
and  their  buzzums  stick  out,  like  an  alderman's  abdominal 
cupboard.  This  breed  iz  hawk-colored,  and  haz  a  crooked 
tail  on  them,  arched  like  a  sickle,  and  az  full  ov  feathers  as  a 
new  duster. 

But  when  you  come  right  down  to  grit,  and  throw  all  out 
side  influences  overboard,  thare  aint  nothing  on  earth,  nor 
under  it,  that  kan  out-style,  out-step,  out-brag,  or  out-pluck  a 
regular  Bantam  rooster. 

They  alwus  put  me  in  mind  ov  a  small  dandy,  prakticing 
before  a  looking-glass. 

They  don't  weigh  more  than  30  ounces,  but  they  make  az 
mutch  fuss  az  a  ton,  i  have  seen  them  tricing  tew  pik  a  quar- 
rel with  a  two  hoss  waggon,  and  don't  think  they  would  hes- 
itate tew  fight  a  meeting  house,  if  it  waz  the  least  bit  sassy 
tew  them. 

It  is  more  than  fun  tew  hear  one  ov  these  little  chevaliers 
crow,  it  iz  like  a  four-year  old  baby  tricing  tew  sing  a  line 
out  ov  the  Star  Spangled  Banner. 

The  hen  partner  in  this  concern  iz  the  most  exquisit  little 
boquet  ov  neatness  and  feathers  that  the  eye  ever  roosted  on. 
They  are  az  prim  az  a  premature  yung  lady.  It  is  a  luxury 
to  watch  their  daintyness,  tew  see  them  lay  each  feather  with 
their  bills,  in  its  place,  and  preside  over  themselfs  with  az 
mutch  delikasy  and  pride  az  a  belle  before  her  mirror. 

But  the  consignation  iz  tew  see  the  wife  a  mother,  leading 
out  six  little  chicks  a  bugging ;  six  little  chicks  no  bigger  than 
bumbelbees. 

It  seems  tew  be  necessary  that  there  should  be  sumthing 


THE  FOX.  115 

outrageous  in  evrything,  tew  show  us  whare  propriety  ends 
and  impropriety  begins.  This  iz  melancholly,  the  case  in  the 
rooster  affair,  for  we  hav  the  shanghi  rooster,  the  gratest  out- 
rage, in  mi  opinyun,  ever  committed  in  the  annals  ov  poultry. 

Theze  kritters  are  the  camels  amung  fowls,  they  mopo 
around  the  barnyard,  tipping  over  the  hay  racks  and  stepping 
on  the  yung  goslins,  and  evry  now  and  then  they  crow  con- 
fusion. 

If  enny  body  should  giv  me  a  shanghi  rooster  i  should 
halter  him,  and  keep  him  in  a  box  stall,  and  feed  him  on 
cut  feed,  and  if  he  would  work  kind  in  harness,  all  right,  if 
not,  i  would  butcher  him  the  fust  wet  day  that  cum,  and  salt 
him  down  tew  give  tew  the  poor. 

But  thare  ain't  noboddy  a  going  tew  giv  me  one  ov  this 
breed,  knot  if  i  know  it,  i  don't  think  thare  iz  a  man  on  earth 
mean  enuif  to  do  it. 

Roosters  do  but  very  little  household  work,  they  wont  lay 
enny  eggs,  nor  try  tew  hatch  enny,  nor  see  tew  the  yung 
ones ;  this  satisfys  me  that  thare  is  sum  truth  in  the  mytholo- 
gikal  ackount  ov  the  rooster's  fust  origin. 

Yu  kant  git  a  rooster  to  pay  enny  attenshun  tew  a  yung 
one,  they  spend  their  time  in  crowing,  strutting,  and  occas- 
sionly  find  a  worm,  which  they  make  a  remarkabell  fuss  over, 
calling  up  their  wifes  from  a  distance,  apparently  tew  treat 
them,  but  j  ust  az  the  hens  git  thare,  this  elegant  and  elabo- 
rate cuss  bends  over  and  gobbles  up  the  morsel. 

Just  like  a  man  for  all  the  world. 


THE   FOX. 

OF  all  the  beasts  who  roam  the  hill  tops,  or  clime  the  plains, 
thare  is  none  who  makes  so  few  blunders,  and  so  many 
good  hits  as  the  fox. 

His  shewdness  iz  more  than  a  match  for  the  lion's  strength, 
hiz  logick  iz  more  than  a  match  for  tlie  malice  ov  the  wo!' 


116  ANIMATED  XATUK. 

and  hiz  politeness  and  deiference  makes  him  the  fop  and  gen- 
tleman ov  the  forest. 

The  fox  is  a  literary  cuss ;  he  haz  been  the  hero  ov  history, 
fable,  and  song,  from  the  fust  dawn  ov  oral  or  written  knowl- 
edge. He  waz  a  genius  long  before  aekedemick  honors 
flourished  ;  he  waz  a  poet,  skoller  and  sage  before  the  days  ov 
Homer  and  Herodotus,  and  now,  in  our  times,  ho  is  the  Ben 
Butler  ov  diplomacy  an  the  Brigham  Young  ov  matrimony. 

The  fox  is  purely  a  game  bird.  It  costs  on  an  average  fifty 
dollars  tew  ketch  him,  and  when  he  iz  caught  he  aint  worth 
more  than  ten  shillings.  He  follers  no  regular  bizzness  for 
sustenance,  but  livs  on  the  chances  and  on  hiz  wit. 

He  iz  a  fleshy-minded  sinner,  and  hiz  blandness  iz  too 
mutch  for  the  quaintness  ov  the  goose,  the  melankolly  reserve 
ov  the  turkey,  or  the  pompous  rhetorick  ov  the  rooster. 
They  all  kneel  tew  the  logick  of  hiz  tonnge,  and  find  them- 
selfs  at  rest  in  his  stummuk. 

He  luvs  lam  &  green  peas,  but  will  diskount  the  peas 
rather  than  lose  hiz  dinner,  and  will  go  a  mile  and  a  half  out 
ov  his  way  to  be  polite  to  a  duck  or  a  goslin. 

But  the  most  lively  trait  in  the  fox  iz  his  cunning;  he  alwas 
pettyfogs  hiz  own  case,  and  wins  a  great  deal  of tener  than  he 
loses. 

Foxes  are  not  like  men,  kritters  ov  habit ;  they  never  do  a 
thing  twice  with  the  same  figures,  and  often  alter  their  mind 
before  they  olo  a  thing  once.  This  is  the  eifect  of  too  mutch 
genius. 

There  iz  this  difference  between  genius  and  common  sense 
in  a  fox :  Common  sense  iz  governed  bi  circumstances,  but 
circumstances  iz  governed  by  genius. 

The  fox  haz  no  moral  honesty,  but  he  haz  got  a  grate  sup- 
ply ov  politikal  honesty.  If  another  fox  in  his  parish  wants 
a  phatt  goo^e.  he  will  work  hard  and  get  the  goose  for  him, 
and  then  clean  the  meat  all  oph  from  the  outskirts  ov  the 
goose  for  petty  fogging  the  case,  and  giv  him  the  bones,  and 
tell  hiz  politikal  friend,  with  a  smile  in  the  left  corner  of  his 
eye,  that  "everything  is  lovely  and  the  goose  hangs  high." 


THE  FOX. 


117 


Foxes  have  learnt  this  piety  from  watching  the  men  git 
geese  for  each  other,  and  if  animals  don't  want  their  piety 
tew  git  sour,  they  must  keep  away  from  the  men  week  days. 
The  fox  is  tew  mutch  ov  a  pollytician  to  invest  his  religion 
in  enny  sich  indigenous  trash.  He  knows  that  p^iety  haz 
claims  on  him,  and 

RAFFLE  >: 


are  indebted  tew  him 
for  sum  goose,  and  ex- 
pekt  to  be  for  several 
more.  This  iz  a  nobel 
trait  in  the  fox,  and 
shows  that  he  aint  a 
child  ov  ingratitude. 

Foxes  cum  out  ov  the 
ground,  but  whether 
they  are  made  out  ov 
dirt  i  kant  sware  with 
much  certainty.  They 
cum  out  ov  the  ground 
through  the  instrumen- 
tality ov  a  hole,  but 
whether  the  hole  begins 
at  the  surface  and  runs 
into  the  mountain,  or 
whether  it  begins  in  the 
mountain  and  runs  tew  the  surface,  don't  make  a  kussid  bit 
ov  difference. 

But  philosophers  hav  argued  about  this  hole  bizzness  for 
years.  Sum  ov  them  say  it  runs  in,  and  sum  ov  them  he 
darned  if  it  duz  ;  and  right  here  we  can  see  the  amazing  dif- 
ference between  the  logick  ov  the  philosophers  and  the  logick 
ov  the  fox.  While  they  stand  titeing  at  the  mouth  ov  the 

•/  o 

hole,  the  fox  iz  stealing  their  ducks  and  goslins. 

Foxes  aie  like  cunning  men — they  hav  but  few  brains,  and 
but  a  small  place  tew  keep  them  in,  but  what  few  they  hav 
got  are  like  angle  worms  in  hot  water — full  ov  anxiety  and 
inizery. 


A    SLY    FOX THE    MORE    YOU    PUT    1IOWN    THE 

LESS    YOU   TAKE    UP. 


118  ANIMATED  NATUH. 

Cunning  is  a  branding  iron ;  the  letters  on  it  are  small,  but 
alwua  red-hot,  and  they  read  thus —  Look  out  for  the  fox. 


A  YAEK— THE  AUNT,  AND  THE  GEASSHOPPEE. 

Once  on  a  previous  time,  about  four  hundred  thousand  years 
ago,  in  the  old  ov  the  moon,  during  a  verry  dry  spell  ov 
weather,  just  after  a  hard  frost,  when  graps  butter  waz  skass, 
ivhile  venus  was  an  evening  star.  An  old  ant,  who  had  lost 
awl  ov  her  front  teeth,  and  waz  twisted  with  the  rhumatiz, 
and  a  pollypurse  in  her  noze,  sot  in  an  eazy  chair,  near  the 
front  door  ov  an  aunt  hilV,  superintendin  a  phatt  kurnell  ov 
wheat,  which  the  yung  aunts  were  trieing  tew  git  down  cellar, 
into  their  house. 

Jisst  then  along  cum  a  loafing  grasshopper,  smoking  a  pipe, 
and  singing,"  Begone  dull  care,  i  pray  thee  begone  from  me."— 
and  spieing  the  old  ant,  giving  orders  tew  the  yung  aunts,  he 
stopt  tew  hav  a  talk  with  her. 

"  Good  morning,  old  mother  Industry,  good  morning !  "  sed 
the  grassbug.  "A  fine  cernal  ov  wheat  that,  yu  are  rooling 
in!" 

"  Hav  yu  heard  the  grate  news  ? 

"Dredfull  sharp  frost  last  night ! 

"  Winter  will  soon  set  in,  i  reckon ! 

"  I  herd  the  owls  hute  last  nite  ! 

"Terribel  bad  acksident  on  the  Harlem  road  yesterday! 

"  When  dew  yu  think  specie  payments  will  be  took  up  ? 

"  Thare !  mi  pipe  haz  gone  out,  kant  yu  lend  me  a  match  1 

"  How  menny  aunts  hav  yu  got  in  yure  village  2 

"Enny  sickness  amungst  them? 

"  I  wonder  if  thare  iz  enny  truth  in  the  dispatch,  that  the 
pissmires,  down  on  Sandy  Creek,  hav  all  struck  for  higher 
wages  ? 

"Who  do  yu  think  yure  ants  will  vote  for  for  justiss  ov  the 
peace  ? 


A  YARN.— THE  AUNT  AND  THE  GRASSHOPPER    119 

"What  iz  jure  sold  opinyun  ov  the  new  license  law,  will  it 
make  rum  enny  skarser  ? 

"Do  yu  buy  enny  grocerys  ov  old  Ferguson,  i  hope  not,  he 
iz  a  mean  old  skinflinter,  he  sold  me,  only  last  week,  a  peace 
ov  bar  sope,  for  sum  beeswax. 

"  The  world  iz  gitting  more  full  ov  wtissness  every  day  ! 

"  I  wonder  if  thare  iz  enny  truth  in  what  every  boddy  sez, 
about  old  Square  Benson,  that  he  kant  pay,  only  now  and  then 
sum  ov  hiz  dets  ! 

"  Do  yu  see  much  ov  the  krickets  now  a  days  ? 

"  I  should  really  like  tew  kno  how  they  are  gitting  along  • 
rather  tuff  times  for  them  i  guess,  yu  don't  think  they  will 
winter,  do  yu? 

"When  duz  the  moon  change  now  days? 

"  Hav  yu  got  enny  onion  seeds  tew  spare,  that  yu  kan  rec- 
komend  ? 

"  Dew  yu  think  England  will  ever  pay  the  Allabarmer 
klaims  ? 

"I  kant  see  what  makes  the  cockroaches  so  stuck  up,  i  met 
one  this  morning,  and  before  i  could  put  two  civil  questions 
at  him  he  was  out  ov  sight ! 

"  Sum  folks  are  alwus  in  sich  a  swotting  hurry  ! 

"  Aint  thare  sum  good  law  agin  the  spiders  bilding  their 
webs  in  the  grass  ? 

"How  mutch  wheat  haz  y ure  aunts  got  laid  up;  yu  must 
hav  sum  tew  spare  ? 

"  I  wonder  if  it  wont  up  and  rain,  before  tommorrow  ? 

"  They  tell  me  that  maple  sugar  iz  a  drug  in  the  market, 
owing  to  its  peculiar  mutchness  ;  yu  kant  tell,  kan  yu,  whether 
this  iz  so  or  not,  i  wish  yu  could ! 

"  Mi  opinyun  now  iz,  that  he  who  livs  to  see  next  year, 
will  see  buckwheat  a  bigg  crop  ! 

"  I  overheard  the  older  hens  say,  az  i  cum  past  nabor  Sher- 
man's lower  barn  this  morning,  that  eggs  waz  gitting  a  good 
deal  on  plenty,  and  they  must  git  tew  work  agin  ! 

"  Well !  i  am  in  an  awful  hurry,  i  am  going  down  tew  tend  a 
jumping  match  between  Springsteel,  and  Steelspring,  two  ynng 
grasshoppers ;  this  iz  tew  be  the  last  hop  ov  the  seazon. 


120  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

"  I  must  be  a  going ! 

"  I  am  uncommon  sorry  i  kant  stay  longer,  and  make  yu  a 
good  visit. 

"  By  the  way  !  Old  mother  Industry,  i  hav  got  a  profound 
sekret,  that  i  want  to  tell  yu,  but  i  wouldn't  hav  it  known  bi 
ennyboddy,  for  awl  the  world,  if  it  should  git  out  once,  it 
would  ruin  me !" 

"  Then  keep  the  sekret  yureself,"  spoke  the  ant,  "  it  iz 
worth  more  to  yu  than  ennyboddy  else." 

This  iz  every  word  the  bizzy  old  ant  sed,  but  kept  her  eye 
aii  the  time  on  the  phatt  keernel  ov  wheat  and  the  loafing 
grasshopper  moved  off,  whistling  "  Sally  cum  up." 

REMARKS. 

This  iz  the  way  with  all  loafers,  if  they  kant  steal  yure  time 
with  idle  questions,  their  last  dodge  iz  to  steal  yure  credulity 
with  an  idle  sekret. 


A  HEN. 

A   HEN   is  a  darn  phool,  they  was  born  so  bi  natur. 
When  natur  undertakes  tew  make  a  phool,  she  hits  the 
mark  the  fust  time. 

Most  all  the  animile  kritters  hav  instinkt,  which  is  wutli 
more  to  them  than  reason  would  be,  for  instinkt  don't  make 
enny  blunders. 

If  the  anirniles  had  reason,  they  would  akt  just  as  ridikilus 
as  we  men  folks  do. 

But  a  lien  don't  seem  tew  hav  even  instinkt,  and  was  made 
expressly  for  a  phool. 

I  hav  seen  a  hen  fly  out  ov  a  good  warm  shelter,  on  the 
15th  ov  January,  when  the  snow  was  3  foot  high,  and  lite  on 
the  top  ov  a  stun  Avail,  and  coolly  set  thare,  and  freeze  tew 
deth. 

Noboddy  but  a  darn  phool  would  do  this,  unless  it  was 
save  a  bet. 


A  HEN.  121 

I  hav  saw  a  liuman  being  do  similar  things,  but  they  did  it 
tew  win  a  bet. 

To  save  a  bet,  is  self-preservashun,  and  self-preservashun,  is 
the  fust  law  ov  natur,  so  sez  Blakstone,  and  he  is  the  best 
judge  ov  law  now  living. 

If  i  couldn't  be  Josh  Billings,  i  would  like,  next  in  suit 
tew  be  Blakstone,  and  compoze  sum  law. 

Thare  iz  one  law  i  would  compoze,  which  iz  this,  "  no 
yung  snob  shall  walk  on  5th  avenew  on  the  Sabbath  da}, 
and  twitch  hiz  hat  oph  more  than  two  times,  on  each  block, 
to  persons  on  the  opposite  side  ov  the  street,  whom  he  dont 
kno,  and  who  dont  know  him. 

I  would  hav  this  law  compozed  in  brass,  and  send  a  coppy 
ov  it  to  all  the  bar  tenders,  and  cigar  shop  clerks,  in  the  city. 

This  would  soon  put  a  stop  tew  this  kind  ov  snobosity. 

But  notwithstanding  all  this,  a  hen  continues  tew  be  a 
darn  phool. 

1  like  all  kinds  ov  phools,  they  cum  nearer  tew  filling  their 
destiny  than  ennyboddy  i  kno  ov. 

They  don't  never  make  enny  blunders,  but  tend  rite  tew 
bizzness. 

The  principal  bizzness,  ov  an  able  boddyed  hen,  iz  tew  lay 
eggs,  and  when  she  haz  laid  36  ov  them,  then  she  iz  ordained 
tew  set  still  on  them,  until  they  are  born,  this  iz  the  way 
yung  hens  fust  see  life. 

The  hen  haz  tew  spred  herself  pretty  well  tew  cover  36 
eggs,  but  i  hav  seen  her  do  it,  and  hatch  out  36  yung  hens. 

When  a  hen  fust  walks  out,  with  36  yung  hens  supporting 
her,  the  party  looks  like  a  swarm  ov  bumble  bees. 

Thare  aiut  nothing  phoolish  in  all  this,  but  yu  put  36  white 
stuns,  under  this  same  hen,  and  she  will  set  thare  till  she 
hatches  out  the  stones. 

I  hav  seen  them  do  this  too — i  dont  wish  tew  sav,  that  i 
hav  seen  them  hatch  out  the  stones,  but  i  hav  seen  them  set 
on  the  stones,  untill  i  left  that  naberhood,  which  waz  two 
years  ago,  and  i  dont  hesitate  tew  say,  the  lien  iz  still  at 
work,  on  that  same  job. 


'  ANIMATED  XATLK. 

.Noboddy  but  a  pliool  would  stik  tew  bizzness  az  cluss  aa 
this. 

Hens  are  older  than  Aletlmseler,  and  gro  older  till  they  die, 

.Now  I  dont  want  it  understood,  that  enny  one  hen  ken, 
kan  commense  life,  with  the  usual  kapital,  and  live  999  years. 

This  waz  the  exact  age  ov  Methuseler,  if  I  have  beeu 
informed  correktly. 

I  simply  want  tew  be  understood,  that  hens  (az  a  spec- 
iality) laid,  cackled,  and  sot  a  long  time  before  Metlmselei 
did. 

After  reading  this  last  statement  over  agin,  i  dont  kno  az  i 
make  myself  fluently  understood  yet. 

I  dont  undertake  tew  say,  that  Mr.  Metliuseler,  cackled, 
;ind  sot,  what  i  want  tew  prove,  iz  the  fakt,  that  hens  were 
here,  and  doing  bizzness  in  their  line,  before  Metliuseler  waz. 

Xow  1  hav  got  it. 

Thare  iz  one  thing  about  a  hen  that  looks  like  wisdum, 
they  don't  cackle  mutch  untill  after  they -have  laid  their  egg. 

Sum  pliolks  are  alwus  a  bragging,  and  a  cackling,  what  they 
are  going  tew  do  before-hand. 

A  hen  will  set  on  one  egg  just  az  honest  az  she  will  set  o-n 
36  eggs,  but  a  hen  with  one  chicken  iz  always  a  painful  sight 
tew  me. 

I  never  knu  an  only  chicken  do  fust  rate,  the  old  hen  spiles 
them  waiting  on  them,  and  then  it  tires  out  the  old  hen,  more 
than  36  chickens  would. 

I  think  this  rule  works  both  ways,  among  poultry,  and 
Hmong  other  pholks 

I  have  seen  a  hen  set  on  36  duck  eggs,  and  hatch  the  whole 
ov  them  out.  and  then  try  tew  learn  them  tew  skratch  in  the 
garden. 

But  a  ducks  phoot  aint  bilt  right  for  skratching  in  the 
ground,  it  iz  better  composed  for  skratching  in  the  water. 

When  the  young  ducks  takes  tew  the  water,  it  iz  melan- 
kolly,  and  hart  brakeing,  tew  see  the  old  hen,  stand  on  the 
brim  ov  the  mil  pond,  and  wring  her  hands,  and  holler  tew 
the  ducks,  tew  come  right  strate  out  ov  that  water,  or  thev 
will  all  eit  drowned. 


A  HEN. 


I  have  scan  this  did  too,  but  i  never  see  the  ducks  come 
out  till  they  got  reddy,  nor  never  see  a  young  duck  git 
drowned. 

Yu  kant  drown  a  young  duck,  they  will  stand  az  mutch 
water  ax  a  sponge  will. 

One  egg,  per  diem,  iz  all  that  a  hen  ought  to  lay,  espeshily 

nu  beginner,  but  there  iz  sum  smart  writers  on  the  subjekt, 
*-ho  claim  they  ought 
tew  lay  two." 

This  needs  more 
testimony. 

Az  an  artikle  ov 
diet,  thare  is  but 
phew  things  that  sur- 
pass cooked  hen,  if 
eaten  in  the  days  ov 
their  youth  and  inno- 
sense,  but  after  they 
git  old,  and  kross, 
they  kontrakt  a  hab- 
it ov  eating  tuff. 

After  thinking  the 
thing  over,  and  over, 
and  over,  I  am  still 
prepared  tew  say, 
that  a  hen  is  a  darn  phool,  ennyhow  you  kan  fix  it. 

I  don't  speak  of  this  as  enny  disgrace  two  the  hen,  it  only 
shows  that  natur  dont  even  make  a  phool  without  a  destiny 

Az  long  as  hens  phill  their  destiny,  eggs  won't  git  tew  be 
worth  over  25  cents  a  dozen,  and  broiled  chicken  will  be  one 
ov  the  luxurys  ov  life. 

Thare  iz  grate  proffit,  and  sum  loss,  in  razeing  chickens, 
the  loss  iz  the  heavyest  when  sum  boddy  brakes  into  th& 
chicken  coop,  and  steals  all  the  chickens. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  breeds  ov  hens,  just  now,  but  tha 
old-fashioned  speckled  hen  breed  iz  the  most  flattering. 


124  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

After  they  hav  laid  an  egg,  they  aiut  afraid  tew  say  so, 
and  kan  outkackle  all  other  breeds  ov  hens,  and  when  yu 
come  tew  scratching  up  a  garden,  they  are  wuth  two  ov  enny 
other  kind. 

I  dont  kno  ov  enny  sight  that  pleases  me  more  than  tew 
see  an  old  speckled  hen  cum  sputtering  oph  from  her  nest 
and  pitch,  feet  fust,  into  a  new  made  garden. 

I  suppoze  if  I  owned  the  garden  this  thing  might  not  look 
so  phunny  tew  me,  but  yu  see,  I  dont  own  enny  garden. 

I  belong  tew  that  misfortunate  klass  ov  real  estate  men 
who  dont  own  enny  garden,  and  I  have  sumtimes  wondered 
if  it  want  just  about  az  proffitable  for  me  tew  enjoy  the 
skratching  up  ov  the  garden,  and  let  them  other  folks  who 
own  the  hens  and  the  garden  do  their  own  gitting  mad  and 
swearing. 


THE  GOTE. 

THE  gote  iz  a  koarse  wollen  sheep. 
They  hav  a  split  hoof  and  a  whole  tail. 

They  hav  a  good  appetite,  and  a  sanguine  digestion. 

They  swallo  what  they  eat,  and  will  eat  enny  thing  they  kan 
bite. 

Their  moral  karakters  are  not  polished,  they  had  rather  steal 
a  rotten  turnip,  out  ov  a  garbage-box,  than  tew  cam  honestly 
bi  a  pek  ov  oats. 

The  male  gote  haz  two  horns  on  the  ridge  ov  hiz  hed,  and 
v.  mustash  on  hiz  bottom  lip,  and  iz  the  plug  ugly  ov  hiz  naber- 
hood. 

A  maskuline  gote  will  fite  ennything,  from  an  elephant  down 
to  hiz  shadder  on  a  ded  wall. 

They  strike  from  their  but-end,  insted  ov  the  shoulder,  and 
are  az  likely  tew  hit,  az  a  hammer  iz  a  nailhed. 

They  are  a  hi  seazoned  animal,  az  mutch  so  az  a  pound  ov 
assifidity. 


THE  GOTE.  125 

They  arc  faithf ul  critters,  and  will  stick  tew  a  friend  az  long 
az  he  livs  in  a  shanty. 

They  kan  klinie  ennything  Imt  a  greast  pole,  and  kno  the 
way  up  a  rock,  az  natral  az  a  woodbine. 

They  are  az  certain  tew  raize  az  yung  ones,  sum  familys 
arehaffgotes,  and  the  other  haff'  children.  They  are  good 
eating  when  they  are  yung,  but  they  leave  it  oph  az  they  git 


stronger. 


They  are  alwns  poor  in  the  boddy,  but  phatt  in  the  stumick, 
what  they  eat  seems  to  all  go  to  appetight,  yu  mite  az  well 
agree  tew  phatt  an  injun-rubber  over  shew  bi  filling  it  with 
klam  shells,  az  tew  raize  enny  adipoze  membrane  on  the  out- 
side  bust  ov  a  gote. 

A  phatt  gote  would  be  a  literary  curiosity. 

They  use  the  same  dialekt  az  the  sheep,  and  the  yung  ones 
speak  the  language  more  fluently  than  the  parients  do. 

Thare  iz  only  two  animals  ov  the  earth  that  will  eat  tobakko 
— one  iz  a  man  and  tuther  iz  a  gote,  but  the  gote  understands 
it  the  most,  for  he  swallers  the  spit,  chaw  and  all. 

The  male  gote,  when  he  iz  pensiv,  iz  a  venerable  and  philoso- 
phy looking  old  cuss,  and  wouldn't  make  a  bad  proflfessor  ov 
arithmetik  in  sum  ov  our  colleges. 

They  are  handy  at  living  a  longtime,  reaching  an  advanced 
age  without  arriving  at  enny  definite  konklusion. 

How  long  a  gote  livs  without  giving  it  up,  thare  iz  no  man 
now  old  enuff  tew  tell. 

Methuzeler,  if  hiz  memory  waz  bad  at  forgetting,  mite  giv 
a  good-sized  guess,  but  unfortunately  for  science  and  this  essa, 
Methuzeler  aint  here. 

Gotes  will  liv  in  enny  klimate,  and  on  enny  vittles,  except 
tanbark,  and  if  they  ever  cum  to  a  square  death,  it  iz  a  pro- 
found sekret,  in  the  hands  of  a  few,  to  this  day. 

I  wouldn't  like  tew  beleave  enny  man  under  oath  who  had 
ever  seen  a  maskuline  gote  acktually  die,  and  stay  so. 

Speaking  ov  Methuzeler,  puts  me  in  mind  ov  the  fackt,  if 
a  man  should  liv  now  daze,  as  mutch  az  he  did,  and  only  hav 
one  eye  tew  see  things  with,  he  would  hav  to  hav  an  addishun 
bilt  onto  the  back  ov  liiz  head  tew  sto  a\viy  things  into. 


126  ANIMATED  NATUK. 

The  femail  gote  iz  either  the  mother,  or  sister,  or  cuzzin  ov 
the  male  gote,  ackording  tew  the  prevailing  circumstansis  in 
the  case,  or  else  i  labour  under  a  delusion,  i  forget  witch. 

They  giv  milk  intuitively  about  a  quart,  before  it  iz  watered, 
in  twelve  hours,  which  iz  the  subjickt  ov  nourishment  in  vari- 
ous ways. 

This  milk,  whitch  is  extrakted  from  the  female  gote,  vs. 
excellent  tew  finish  up  yung  ones  on,  but  is  apt  to  make  them 
belly  cose,  and  fightful. 

It  iz  not  unkommon  for  a  babe,  while  inhaleing  this  pug- 
nashus  fluid,  to  let  ophhizleft  colleckshun  or  diggit  and  ketch 
the  nurse  on  the  pinnakle  ov  the  smeller,  and  tap  it  for  claret, 

This  iz  a  kommon  fakt  amung  irish  babes,  and  explains  the 
reazon  whi,  in  after  life,  these  same  babes  make  such  brilliant 
hits. 

In  writing  the  history  ov  the  male  and  female  gote  tew 
adorn  the  pages  ov  filter  times,  i  flatter  miself  that  i  hav  stuck 
tew  the  truth,  and  haven't  allowed  mi  imaginashun  tew  boss 
the  job. 

A  grate  menny  ov  our  best  bilt  historians  are  apt  tew  mis- 
take opinyuns  for  facts,  this  iz  an  eazy  mistake  tew  make, 
but  when  i  strike  a  goose,  or  bed  bugg,  or  gote,  yu  notis  one 
thing,  i  stay  with  them. — Finis. 


GOOSE  TALK. 

THE  goose  is  a  grass-animal  but  don't  chaw  her  cud. 
They  are  good  livers ;  about  one  aker  to  a  goose  iz 
enuff,  altho  there  iz  sum  folks  who  thinks  one  goose  tew  175 
akers,  iz  nearer  right. 

These  two  calculations  are  so  fur  apart,  it  iz  difliciilt  tew 
tell  now,  which  will  finally  win. 


GOOSE  TALK 


127 


But  i  don't  think,  if  i  had  a  farm  ov  175  akers,  awl  paid 
for.  that  i  would  sell  it  for  half  what  it  was  worth,  jnst  be- 
kauze  it  didn't  hav  but  one  goose  on  it.  Geese  stay  well ;  sum 
ov  our  best  biographers  say,  TO  years,  and  grow  tuff'  tew  the 
fast. 

They  lay  one  egg  at  once,  about  the  size  of  a  goose  egg 
in   which   the  gosling 
lies  hidd. 

The  gosling  iz  the 
goose's  babe. 

The  goose  don't 
suckle  hiz  young,  but 
turns  him  out  tew  pas- 
ture on  sumboddy's 
vacant  lot. 

They  seem  tew  lack 
wisdom,  but  are  con- 
sidered generally  sound 
on  the  goose. 

They  are  good  eat- 
ing, but  not  good  chaw- 
ing; the  reason  ovthis 
remains  a  profound  se- 
kret  to  this  day. 
i  When  the  femail 
goose  iz  at  work  hatch- 
ing, she  iz  a  hard  bird  tew  please ;  she  riles  clear  up  from  the 
bottom  in  a  minnit,  and  will  fight  a  yoke  ov  oxen,  if  they 
show  her  the  least  bit  ov  sass.  The  geese  iz  excellent  for 
feathers,  which  she  sheds  every  year  by  the  handful. 

They  are  also  amphibicuss,  besides  several  other  kinds  ov 
cuss. 

But  they  are  mostly  cureiss  about  one  thing :  they  kau 
liaui  one  leg  up  into  their  body,  and  stand  on  tuther,  awl  day, 
and  not  tutch  ennything  with  their  hands. 

I  take  notis,  thare  ain't  but  darn  few  men  kan  dew  this. 


GOOSE   TALK. 


ANIMATED  NATUR. 

"THE  CLAM." 

clam  iz  a  bulbous  plant,  and  resides  on  the  under  side 
JL  ov  the  water.  He  iz  born  az  the  birds  are,  but  don't 
cum  out  ov  his  shell.  He  iz  deserted  by  his  parents  at  a 
young  and  tender  age,  but  don't  bekum  clamarous  on  this 
akount,  but  sits  still,  and  keeps  watch  with  hiz  mouth,  for 
sumthin  tew  cum  along. 

Hiz  temper  iz  sed  tew  be  cold  and  clammy,  but  he  must 
hav  a  relish  for  sumthing,  for  hiz  mouth  waters  aul  the  time. 

Thare  iz  nothing  more  docile  than  the  clam,  and  altho  they 
sumtimes  git  into  a  stew,  they  are  az  eazy  tew  lay  yure  hand 
on,  and  ketch,  az  a  stun,  but  they  are  like  an  injun,  not  very 
talky ;  they  hav  got  an  impediment  in  their  noize ;  their  lips 
open  with  too  much  titeness,  and  their  mouth  iz  tew  full  ov 
tongue  tew  be  glib. 

Clams  were  fust  diskovered,  az  the  meazles  waz,  by  being 
caught.  How  long  a  clam  kan  live  I  don't  beleaf  they  kan 
tell  themselfs,  probably  5  thousand  years,  but  a  large  share 
ov  this  time  iz  wasted ;  a  clam's  time  aint  worth  mutch,  only 
tew  grow  tuif  in ;  it  is  jiss  so  with  sum  other  folks  I  kno  ov 


SNAILS,  SKA1KS,  AND  BABYS. 

THE  slowest  gaited  animal  on  the  face  ov  the  earth  iz  the 
snail. 

They  are  one  ov  the  phew  who  take  their  house  with  them, 
when  they  go  away  from  home. 

Snails  are  sed  tew  be  delikate  eating,  but  if  i  kan  hav  all 
the  hash  i  want,  i  will  try  and  struggle  along  without  any 
snail.  You  kant  plioolme  with  hash,  I  kno  how  that  iz  made, 
but  i  don't  kno  how  snail  are  put  together.  Ignorance  iz  sed 
tew  be  bliss,  and  i  hav  often  thought  that  it  waz,  and  if  i 
don't  never  kno  how  snails  taste,  i  don't  think  now  i  shal] 
repent  ov  it. 


STRIPED  SNAKE. 


120 


It  haz  always  been  a  source  ov  mutch  doubt  with  me,  in 
mi  hours  ov  contemplashun,  which  waz  made  fust,  the  snail 
or  hiz  shell,  but  if  i  don't  know  even  this,  i  don't  mean  tew 
git  m  a  d  a  b  o  u  t  i  t. 

I  hav  grate 
phaith  in  enny  job 
that  natur  turns  out, 
and  i  had  rather  hav 
phaith  than  knowl- 
edge, it  saves  a  grate 
deal  ov  hard  work. 
It  costs  a  grate  deal 
to  kno  all  about 
things,  and  then  yu 
ain't  certain,  but 
phaith  iz  cheap,  and 
don't  make  enny 
blunders. 

Science  iz  smart, 
but  she  kant  tell  ju 
what  makes  the 
flowers  blush  so 
menny  different  col- 
ors, but  phaith  can. 
phaith  iz  a  giant. 

STRIPED    SNAKE.  ' 

The  striped  snake  iz  one  ov  the  slipperyest  jobs  that  natur 
ever  turned  loose. 

They  travel  on  the  lower  side  ov  themselfs,  and  kan  slip 
out  ov  sight  like  blowing  out  a  kandle.  They  were  made  for 
sum  good  purpose,  but  i  never  hav  bin  informed  for  what, 
unless  it  waz  tew  hav  their  heds  smashed. 

They  are  sed  tew  be  innocent,  but  they  hav  got  a  bad  repu- 
tashun,  and  all  the  innocence  in  the  world  won't  kure  a  bad 
reputashun. 

They  liv  in  the  grass  but  seldom  git  stept  on,  bekauze 
don't  stay  long  enuff  in  the  right  place. 


Science  on  a  deth  bed  iz  a  pigmy,  but 


130  ANIMATED  NATUK. 

"When  i  waz  a  little  boy,  and  wore  naked  feet,  and  waz  loaf 
ing  around  loose  for  strawberry s,  i  waz  often  times  just  a  go- 
ing tew  step  on  a  striped  snaik,  but  it  alwus  cured  me  o^ 
strawberrys. 

If  a  striped  snaik  got  into  a  10-ake*  lot  before  i  did,  i  alwus 
konsidered  that  all  the  strawberrys  in  that  lot  belonged  tew 
the  snaik. 

"  Fust  cum,  fust  sarve,"  was  mi  motto. 

I  am  just  az  fraid  ov  snaiks  now  az  i  waz  40  years  ago,  and 
if  i  should  liv  tew  be  az  old  az  Nebudkennezer  waz,  and  go  tew 
grass  as  he  did,  one  striped  snaik  would  spile  50  akers  ov  good 
pasture  forme. 

Wimmin  don't  luv  snaiks  enny  more  than  i  do,  and  i  respekt 
her  for  this. 

How  on  earth  Eve  waz  seduced  by  a  snaik,  iz  a  fust  class 
mistery  tew  me,  and  if  i  hadn't  read  it  in  the  bible,  i  would 
bet  aginst  it. 

I  beleave  everything  thare  iz  in  the  bible,  the  things  i  kant 
understand,  I  beleave  the  most. 

I  wouldn't  swop  oph  the  phaith  i  h<w  got  for  any  living 
man's  knoweledge. 

Snaiks  are  all  sorts,  and  all  sizes,  an^1  the  smaller  they  are. 
the  more  i  am  afrade  ov  them. 

I  wouldn't  buy  a  farm  at  haff  price  that  had  a  striped  snaik 
on  it. 

Ded  snaik  are  a  weakness  with  me ;  i  always  respekt  them, 
and  whenever  i  see  a  ded  one  in  the  road,  i  dont  drop  a  tear  on 
him,  but  i  drop  another  stone  on  him,  for  fear  he  might  alter 
liis  mind  and  cum  tew  life  agin,  for  a  snaik  hates  tew  die  just 
az  much  az  a  kat  duz. 

I  never  could  ackount  for  a  snaik  or  a  kat  hateing  tew  die 
so  bad,  unless  it  waz  bekauze  they  waz  so  poorly  prepared  for 
deth. 

BABYS. 

Babys  i  fnv  with  all  mi  heart ;  they  are  mi  sweetmeats,  they 
H-arm  up  mi  blood  like  a  gin  sling,  they  krawl  into  me  and 


BABY'S.  ]  31 

nestle  by  the  side  ov  mi  soul,  like  a  kitten  under  a  cook  stove. 

I  hav  raized  babys  miself,  and  kno  what  i  am  talking  about. 

I  hav  got  grandchildren,  and  they  are  wuss  than  the  fust 
krop  tew  riot  aiming  the  feelings. 

If  i  could  hav  mi  way.  i  would  change  all  the  human  beings 
now  on  the  face  ov  the  earth  back  into  babys  at  once,  and 
keep  them  thare,  and  make  this  footstool  one  grand  nussery  ; 
but  what  i  should  do  for  wet  misses  i  don't  kno,  nor  don't 
care. 

I  would  like  tew  have  15  babys  now  on  mi  lap,  and  mi  lap 
ain't  the  handyest  lap  in  the  world  for  babys,  neither. 

My  lap  iz  long  enuff,  but  not  the  widest  kind  ov  a  lap. 

I  am  a  good  deal  ov  a  man,  but  i  konsist  ov  length  princi- 
pally, and  when  i  make  a  lap  ov  miself,  it  iz  not  a  mattrass, 
but  more  like  a  couple  ov  rails  with  a  jint  in  them. 

I  can  hold  more  babys  in  mi  lap  at  once,  than  any  man  in 
Amerika,  without  spilling  one,  but  it  hurts  the  babys. 

I  never  saw  a  baby  in  mi  life  that  i  didn't  want  tew  kiss ;  i 
am  wuss  than  an  old  maid  in  this  respekt. 

I  hav  seen  babys  that  i  hav  refused  tew  kiss  untill  they  had 
been  washt ;  but  the  baby  want  tew  blame  for  this,  neither 
waz  i. 

Thare  are  folks  in  this  world  who  say  they  don't  luv  babys, 
but  yu  kan  depend  upon  it,  when  they  waz  babys  sumboddy 
loved  them. 

Babys  luv  me,  too.  I  kan  take  them  out  ov  their  mothers' 
arms  just  az  eazy  az  i  kan  an  unfleged  bird  out  ov  hiz  nest. 
They  luv  me  bekauze  i  luv  them. 

And  here  let  me  say,  for  the  comfort  and  consolashun  ov 
all  mothers,  that  whenever  they  see  me  on  the  cars  or  on  the 
steambote,  out  ov  a  job  they  needn't  hesitate  a  minnit  tew 
drop  a  clean,  fat  baby  into  mi  lap ;  i  will  hold  it,  and  kiss  it, 
and  be  thankful  besides. 

Perhaps  thare  iz  people  who  don't  envy  me  all  this,  but  it 
iz  one  ov  the  sharp-cut,  well-defined  joys  ov  mi  life,  mi  love 
ior  babys  and  their  love  for  me. 

Perhaps  thare  iz  people  who  will  call  it  a  weakness,  i  don't 


132  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

care  what  they  call  it,  bring  on  the  babys.  Unkle  Josh  haz 
always  a  kind  word  and  a  kiss  for  the  babys. 

I  love  babys  for  the  truth  thare  iz  in  them,  i  aint  afraid 
their  kiss  will  betray  me,  their  iz  no  frauds,  ded  beats  nor 
counterfits  among  them. 

I  wish  i  was  a  baby  (not  only  once  more)  but  forever-more. 


"THE   CRAB." 

"VTATUR   is  fond  ov  a  joke. 

-LI  She  must  have  felt  full  ov  fun,  when  she  made  a  soft 
shell  crab.  The  strongest  emotion  the  crab  haz  iz  tew  bite. 
They  aint  afrade  tew  bite  a  sawlog,  or  a  black  bear.  They 
are  born  in  the  water,  but  they  kan  live  out  doors  on  the 
land  as  long  az  they  kan  find  ennything  tew  bite. 

They  hav  several  leggs,  which  are  aul  lokated  on  the  star- 
board side  ov  their  person.  Crabs  liv  under  cover,  like  the 
mud  turtles,  but  they  move  evry  fust  ov  May,  into  a  new  one. 

They  are  sed  tew  be  good  eating,  but  you  wouldn't  think 
so  tew  stand  and  look  at  them ;  it  would  bother  a  stranger 
tew  tell  where  tew  begin  ;  it  would  be  a  good  deal  like  trying 
tew  make  a  sudden  dinner  out  ov  a  kross  kut  saw. 

They  are  biled  in  a  pot,  about  3  bushels  ov  them,  until 
they  stop  biting,  and  then  they  are  done,  and  are  et  by  throw- 
ing away  the  boddy,  and  sucking  the  pith  out  ov  the  limbs. 
It  is  a  good  deal  like  trieng  tew  get  the  meat  out  ov  a  grass- 
hopper's leggs.  It  is  considered  a  good  day's  work  to  git 
one  dinner  out  of  biled  crabs  ;  I  think  perhaps  a  person  mite 
sustane  life  on  them,  but  he  would  hav  tew  work  nite  and 
day  to  do  it,  and  keep  a  smart  man  biling  crabs  aul  the  time. 
Crabs  bite  with  their  feet,  and  hang  on  like  a  country  couzin. 


ESSA  ON  SWINE. 

HOGS  generally  are  quadriped. 
The  extreme  length  ov  their  antiquity  haz  never  been 
fully  discovered ;  they  existed  a  long  time  before  the  flood, 
and  hav  existed  a  Ions?  time  pince. 


THE  CAT,  AND  THE  KANGAROO.  133 

There  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  internal  revenew  in  a  hog,  thare 
ain't  mutch  more  waste  in  them  than  thare  iz  in  a  oyster. 

Even  their  tails  can  be  wurked  up  into  whissells. 

Hogs  are  good  quiet  boarders ;  they  alwus  eat  what  iz  set 
before  them,  and  don't  ask  enny  foolish  questions. 

They  never  hav  enny  disseaze  but  the  meazles,  and  they 
never  hav  that  but  once ;  once  seems  to  satisfy  them. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  breeds  amongst  them. 

Sum  are  a  close  corporation  breed,  and  sum  are  bilt  more 
apart,  like  a  hemlock  slab. 

Sum  are  full  in  the  face,  like  a  town  clock,  and  some  are 
az  long  and  lean  az  a  cow-catcher,  with  a  steel  pinted  noze  on 
them. 

They  kan  awl  rute  well ;  a  hog  that  kant  rute  well,  haz  bin 
made  in  vain. 

They  are  a  short  lived  animal,  and  generally  die  az  soon  az 
they  git  fatt. 

The  hog  kan  be  larnt  a  grate  menny  cunning  things,  such 
az  highsting  the  front  gate  off  from  the  hinges,  tipping  over 
the  swill  barrells,  and  finding  a  hole  in  the  fence  to  git  into 
a  cornfield,,  but  thare  ain't  enny  length  tew  their  memory ; 
it  iz  awful  hard  work  for  them  tew  find  the  same  hole  to  git 
out  at,  espeshly  if  yu  are  at  all  anxious  they  should. 

Hogs  are  very  kontrary,  and  seldom  drive  well  the  same 
way  yu  are  going ;  they  drive  the  most  the  other  way ;  this 
haz  never  bin  fully  explained,  but  speaks  volumes  for  the  hog. 


THE  CAT,  AKD  THE  KANGAKOO. 

cat,  iz  called  a  domestik  animile, — but  i  never  hav  bin 
-L  able  tew  tell  wharefore. 

You  kant  trust  one,  enney  more  than  yu  kan  a  case  ov  the 
gout.  Thare  iz  only  one  mortal  thing,  that  yu  kan  trust  a 
cat  with,  and  cum  out  even,  and  that  iz,  a  bar  ov  hard  sope. 

They  are  az  meak  as  Mosiss,  but  az  full  ov  develtry  az  Ju.' 
dns  Iskaratt. 


134: 


ANIMATED  NATUR. 


They  will  harvest  a  dozen  ov  yung  chickens  for  yu,  and 
then  steal  into  the  sitting  room,  az  softly  az  an  undertake^ 
and  lay  themselfs  down  on  the  rug,  at  yure  feet,  full  ov  in- 
jured innocence,  and 
chicken,  and  dream 
ov  their  ch il  d hood 
days. 

All  thare  iz,  sure 
about  a  cat,  that  iz 
domestik,  that  i  kno 
ov,  iz,  that  yu  kant 
looze  one. 

You  kant  looze  a 
cat, — they  are  az  hard 
to  looze,  az  a  bad  rep- 
utashun  iz. 

You  may  send  one 
out  ov  the  state,  dun 
up  in  a  meal  bag,  and 
marked,  "  C.  O.  D.," 
and  the  next  morning 

THE  CAT,  AND  THE  KANGAROO.  }'U     Will    find     hilll,     Or 

her,  (accordin  tew  sex)  in  the  same  old  spot,  along  side  ov  the 
kitchen  stove,  reddy  tew  be  stepped  on. 

Cats  hav  got  two  good  ears  for  melody,  and  often  make  the 
night  atmosphear  melodious,  with  their  opera  musik. 

But  the  most  wonderful  tiling,  about  a  cat,  that  haz  bin  dis 
kovered  yet,  iz  their  fear  ov  death. 

Yu  kant  induce  one,  by  enny  ordinary  means,  to  accept  ov 
death, — they  aktually  skorn  tew  die. 

You  may  kill  one,  az  much  az  yu  hav  a  mind  to,  and  they 
will  begin  life  anew,  in  a  few  minnitts,  with  a  more  flattering 
prospektus. 

Dogs  i  love,  they  carry  their  kridenshuls  in  their  faces,  and 
kant  hide  them,  but  the  bulk  ov  cuts  reputashun  lays  buried 
in  their  stumuk,  az  unknown  tew  themselfs,  az  tew  emiy  boddj 
else. 


THE  KANGAROO.  135 

Tharc  iz  only  one  tiling,  about,  that  i  like,  and  that  i::,  they 
are  verry  cheap, — a  little  money, — well  invested., — will  go  a 
grate  ways,  in  cats. 

Cats  are  very  plenty  in  this  world,  just  now,  i  counted  18 
from  my  boarding  house  winder,  one  moon  lite  night,  last 
summer,  and  it  want  a  fust  rate  night  for  cats  neither. 


The  Kangaroo  is  an  overgrown  monkey.  They  are  f  cllo- 
citizens  ov  Afrika,  and  spend  most  ov  their  lezzure  moments 
on  foot.  They  hav  four  legs,  but  their  fore  legs  aint  ov  mutch 
use  to  them;  they  do  most  ov  their  acktual  bizzness  with  their 
hind  legs.  They  travel  a  good  deal  az  a  frog  duz — on  the 
jump. 

Kangarooes  are  verry  valuabel  in  their  plase,  and  Afrika  iz 
the  plase  for  them.  I  hav  thought  if  the  whole  ov  Afrika 
had  been  planted  with  Kangaroos,  and  none  ov  it  with  othei 
peeple,  it  would  hav  been  full  as  good  a  crop  to  know  what 
to  do  with. 

Kangaroos  liv  upon  roots,  gras,  and  herbs,  and  kan  outjump 
ennything  in  the  wilderness.  In  the  face  they  resemble  the 
deer,  but  in  the  length  ov  their  tails  they  resemble  a  whole 
herd  ov  deer. 

A  kangaroo's  tail  iz  a  living  kuriosity  ;  in  its  general 
habits  it  looks  and  akts  like  a  rat's  tail,  but  in  size  you  must 
multiply  it  by  six  thousand  and  upwards. 

"What  on  arth  a  kangaroo  wants  so  mutch  tail  for  ha/  both- 

O 

ered  the  philosophers  for  ages,  and  i  understand,  that  lately, 
at  one  ov  their  scientih'ck  meetings  they  hav  giv  it  up. 

The  philosophers  git  beat  oftener  than  ennybody  i  kno  ov, 
but  they  seldom  giv  a  thing  up;  but  the  kangaroo's  tail  waz 
too  mutch  for  them. 

But  a  kangaroo's  tail  don't  bother  me  enny  more  than  a 
kite's  tail  duz  ;  a  bob-tailed  kangaroo  on  the  jump  would  akt 
just  as  a  bob-tailed  kite  dnz  in  the  air.  Whenever  i  cum 
acrost  ennything  in  uatur  that  i  kant  explain,  then  i  kno  at 
once  that  it  iz  all  right  for  natrr  never  made  enny  blunder* 
in  the  animals ;  if  she  has  failed  enny whare,  it  iz  in  man 


136  ANIMATED   NATUR. 

Natur  gav  man  reazon,  and  showed  him  how  to  use  it,  but 
man  luvs  to  open  the  throttle  valve  and  let  reazon  hum.  This 
ackounts  for  hiz  running  oph  from  the  track  so  often  and  git- 
ting  bust  up.  I  never  knu  a  kangaroo  tew  bust  up. 


THE  CODFISH. 

fTHHE  codfish  iz  a  child  ov  the  oshun.     This  ackounts  for 
JL    their  being  so  salt. 

They  are  caught  with  a  hook  and  line,  and  bite  a  steel 
trap,  and  hang  on  like  a  poor  relation. 

They  are  good  eating  for  a  wet  day  ;  they  are  better  than 
an  umbreller  to  keep  a  man  dry. 

Dried  codfish  iz  one  ov  the  luxurys  of  life,  but  codfish 
three  times  a  day  would  weaken  mi  confidence  in  them. 

Codfish  never  venture  in  fresh  water ;  they  would  soon 
spile  if  they  did. 

I  never  hav  been  codfishing  miself,  but  think  I  should  like 
it  better  than  fishing  for  frogs. 

I  think  i  could  ketch  frogs  well  enuff,  but  i  should  insist 
upon  their  taking  themselfs  off  from  the  hook. 

I  had  rather  take  a  boss  bumble  bee  in  mi  hand  than  a 
live  frog,  not  bekause  I  am  afraid  the  frog  would  bite,  but  i 
am  afraid  ov  the^r  kicking. 

Sum  people  ain't  afraid  to  take  ennything  with  their  hands, 
that  they  can  reach,  not  even  an  eel,  but  if  I  should  ever  git 
caught  by  an  eel,  if  i  couldn't  settle  with  him,  right  off,  by 
giving  him  the  hook  and  line,  i  would  throw  the  pole  into 
the  bargin  and  put  for  home. 

The  codfish  iz  sed  tew  be  an  aristokrat,  and  to  keep  aloof 
from  the  other  fish  of  hiz  size  in  the  sea,  and  claims  tew  be  a 
relation  of  the  whales,  but  this  looks  to  me  rather  fishy. 

I  hav  noticed  that  the  codfish  alwus  haz  a  stiff  upper  lip, 
but  I  think  this  iz  more  owing  tew  the  bone  that  iz  in  him 
than  it  iz  tew  his  blood. 


THE  MACKKEL.— THE  POLLYWOGG.  137 

THE  MACKREL. 

fflHE  mackrel  iz  a  game  fish.  They  ought  tew  be  well  ed- 
JL  ukated,  for  they  are  always  in  schools. 

They  are  very  eazy  to  bite,  and  are  caught  with  a  piece  ov 
old  red  flannel  pettycoat  tied  onto  a  hook. 

They  ain't  the  only  kind  ov  fish  that  are  caught  by  the 
same  kind  of  bait. 

Mackrel  inhabit  the  sea,  but  thoze  which  inhabit  the  gro- 
cerys  alwus  taste  4o  me  az  tho  they  had  been  born  and  fatted 
on  salt. 

They  want  a  good  deal  ov  freshning  before  they  are  eaten, 
and  want  a  good  deal  ov  freshning  afterward. 

If  I  can  hav  plenty  of  mackrel  for  brekfasst  i  can  generally 
make  the  other  two  meals  out  ov  cold  water. 

Mackrel  are  considered  by  menny  folks  the  best  fish  that 
swims,  and  are  called  "  the  salt  of  the  earth." 


THE  POLLYWOGG. 

THE  pollywogg  iz  created  bi  the  sides  ov  the  road,  out  ov 
thick  water,  and  spends  liiz  infancy  in  pollywogging. 

After  he  haz  got  through  pollywogging  he  makes  up  liiz 
mind  that  this  world  want  made  for  pollywogs  and  "  nothing 
venture  nothing  have,"  and  then  he  turns  hiz  attenshun  tew 
bigger  things. 

He  looks  out  upon  life  with  the  eye  ov  wisdum,  and  studdy- 
ing  the  various  animals  ov  creashun,  he  cums  tew  the  kon- 
klusion  that  the  best  thing  he  kan  do  iz  tew  bekum  a  frog. 

This  iz  the  way  that  frogs  fust  cum  tew  be  made,  and  pol- 
iywoggs  tew  be  lost. 

The  pollywogg  now  leaves  the  water  and  spends  a  part  ov 
hiz  summers  upon  land. 

He  haz  tew  fite  hiz  way  through  life,  and  generally  goes 
on  the  jump. 

Being  better  at  diving  than  he  iz  at  dodgeing,  he  often 


ioS  ANIMATED  NATUK. 

runs  hiz  lied  aginst  sticks  and  stuns  that  the  boys  throw  at 
him,  but  liiz  two  mortal  enemys  are  the  frenchman  and  the 
striped  snaik. 

The  frenchman  iz  satisfied  with  hiz  hind  leggs,  but  the 
snaik  swallows  him  whole. 

I  have  seen  sum  good  time  made  by  the  frog,  and  the 
snake,  the  snake  after  the  frog,  and  the  frog  after  dear  life. 

If  the  frog  kan  only  reach  a  tree,  and  klimb  it,  he  iz  safe, 
for  a  snake  kant  travel  a  tree. 

1  don't  kno  az  the  pollywogg  gains  ennything  by  swop- 
ping himself  oph  for  a  frog,  unless  it  iz  experience,  but  i  never 
hav  bin  able  to  diskover  much  ov  enny  happiness  in  experi- 
ence. 

If  experience  ever  made  a  man  happy,  i  should  hav  happi- 
ness to  sell,  for  I  am  one  ov  them  happy  phellows  who  never 
found  ennything  (not  even  the  bite  ov  a  lobster)  only  through 
the  kindness  of  experience. 


THE  BULL  HEAD. 

THIS  remarkable  beast  of  prey  dwells  in  mill  ponds  and 
mud  puddles,  cluss  to  the  ground,  and  lives  upon  young 
lizzards  and  dirt. 

They  hay  no  taste  to  their  mouths,  and  never  spit  out  enny- 
thing that  they  kan  swallo. 

They  have  two  ngly  black  thorns  sticking  out  on  the  sides 
ov  their  lied,  and  are  az  dangerous  tew  handle  az  a  six-bladed 
penknife,  with  the  blades  all  open  to  oust. 

They  are  like  a  kat,  yu  hav  got  to  skin  them  before  they 
are  fit  to  eat,  and  after  they  are  thoroughly  cooked,  if  yu  set 
them  away  in  the  cupboard  until  they  git  cold,  they  will  be- 
win  life  anew,  and  bekum  az  raw  az  a  live  mule. 

&  7 

They  will  liv,  after  they  are  ded  az  long  az  striped  snaik  kan. 
I  don't  advise  enny  man  to  fish  for  bull  heads,  but  if  yu 
feel  az  tho  yu  must,  this  iz  the  only  best  way  to  do  it. 


MUBTURKLES.  139 

Talce  a  dark,  hot,  drizzly  night  in  the  month  ov  June  ;  steaj 
out  quietly  from  home;  tell yure  folks  yu  are  going  tew  the 
nabors  to  borry  a  setting  of  hen's  eggs ;  find  a  saw  log  on  the 
banks  ov  a  stagnant  mill-pond,  one  end  of  which  lays  in  the 
water;  drive  the  mudturkles  and  water  snaiks  oph  from  the 
log ;  straddle  the  log,  and  let  yure  leggs  hang  down  in  the 
water  up  tew  yure  garters ;  bait  yure  hook  with  a  chunk  ov 
old  injun  rubber  shoe ;  az  fasst  az  yu  pull  up  the  bull  heads, 
take  them  by  the  back  ov  the  neck  and  stab  their  horns  onto 
the  saw  log ;  when  yu  hav  got  the  saw  log  stuck  full,  shoulder 
the  saw  log,  and  leave  for  home;  git  up  the  next  morning 
early,  skin  the  bull  beds,  and  split  up  the  saw  log  into  kind- 
ling wood,  let  yure  wife  cook  them  for  brekfast,  and  sware 
the  whole  family  to  keep  dark  about  it. 

This  iz  the  only  respektabel  way  to  hav  enneything  to  do 
with  bull  heads. 


MUDTUHKLES. 

l\f"TTDTUKKLES  liv  in  a  shell,  which  tha  git  verry  mutch 
JJ-L  attached  to.  Tha  are  not  fond  ov  company,  and  seldom 
receive  visitors  in  their  houses.  Their  food  consists  prinsi- 
pally  of  what  they  eat,  which  tha  find  wharever  tha  kan  git 
it.  Their  style  iz  haf  land,  and  haf  water,  and  tha  are  at 
home  on  the  banks  or  at  the  bottom  ov  a  kanal.  Tha  hav 
sum  eggs,  which  tha  lay  in  sum  warm  sand,  and  ginerally 
hav  them  hatched  out  tew  the  halves.  Tha  belong  tew  the 
class  known  az  "  close  korporashuns,"  and  are  a  hard  animil 
tew  whip,  bekause  tha  alwus  fite  under  cover.  The  mudtur- 
kle  kant  climb  very  well,  and  therefore  seldum  iz  found  up  a 
tree.  Tha  are  verry  tuff  ov  life,  and  will  outlive  an  injun 
rubber  shoe,  and  don't  seem  'tew  gro  old  enny  faster  than  a 
paving  stone  duz.  Tha  kan  be  domestikatcd  without  enny 
trubble ;  awl  yu  hav  tew  dew,  iz  tew  put  them  into  a  barrel, 
and  tha  aint  ap  tew  stray  off  far.  Mudturkles  hav  their  faults. 


140 


ANIMATED  NATUR. 


but  tha  won't  lie,  nor  drink  rum,  nor  chaw  terbacker,  and 
tlio  tha  cant  trot  as  fast  az  sum  bosses  kan,  tliare  stire  tew  git 
tew  wbare  tha  go  tew,  and  never  brake  down  on  the  rode. 
I  take  a  deep  interest  in  moste  awl  the  animils,  and  particu- 
larly in  mudtnrkles,  and  i  dew  hope  that  the  Legislature  in 
their  wisdum  won't  pass  a  law  "prohibiting  enny  more  mud- 
turkles."  I  regret  tew  hear,  that  in  sum  parts  ov  the  kuntry, 
the  people  are  in  the  habit  of  using  mudturkles  tew  pitch 
quoits  with,  but  I  think  this  wants  an  affidavy  with  a  reve 
new  stamp  onto  it. 


T 


THE  FLY. 

HE  fly  iz  not  only  a  domestik,  but  a  friendly  insek,  with. 

out  branes,  but  happily  without  guile. 

They  make  their  appearance  aiming  mankind,  a  good  deal 

a  z    the  wind  d  u  z, 
"  whare  it  listeth." 

How  they  are  ex- 
actly born,  i  haven't 
been  able  yet  tew  in 
vestigate,  but  they  are 
eo  universal  at  times, 
that  i  hav  though  t, 
they  didn't  wait  teAv 
be  born,  but  took  the 
fust  good  chance  that 
was  offered,  and  cum 
just  az  they  am. 

They  are  sed  tew  be 
male  and  femail,  but 
i  dont  think  they  kon- 
sider  the  marriage  tie 
binding,  for  they  look 
so  mutch  alike,  that  it 

Would  be  a  grate  waste  ov  time,  finding  out  wich  waz  who, 
and  this  would  lead  tew  never  ending  fites,  wich  iz  the  rhu- 
barb ov  domestik  life. 


TILE  FLY.  141 

They  make  their  annual  visit  about  the  first  ov  May,  but 
don't  git  tew  buzzing  good  till  the  center  ov  August. 

They  stay  with  uz  untill  kold  weather  puts  in  an  appearance, 
and  then  leave,  a  good  deal  az  they  cum,  jistaz  they  am. 

Menny  ov  them  are  kut  oph  in  the  flower  ov  their  yuth,  and 
usefullness,  but  this  don't  interfere  with  their  census,  for  their 
iz  another  steps  right  into  their  place,  and  heirs  their  prop- 
erty. 

Sum  looze  their  lives  bi  lighting  too  near  the  rim  ov  a  toad's 
noze,  and  fall  in,  when  the  tud  gaps,  and  others  git  badly 
stuck  bi  phooling  with  mollassis. 

Sum  visit  the  spiders,  and  are  induced  tew  remain,  and 
thousands  find  a  watery  grave,  bi  gitting  drowned  in  milk 
cans. 

The  fly  iz  no  respekter  ov  pussuns,  he  lights  onto  the  pouting 
lips  ov  a  sleeping  darkey,  jist  az  eazy  az  he  duz  onto  the  buz- 
zum  ov  the  queen  ov  buty,  and  will  buzz  an  Alderman,  or  a 
hod-carrier,  if  they  git  in  his  way. 

Flys,  moraly  konsidered,  are  like  a  large  share  ov  the  rest 
ov  human  folks,  they  wont  settle  on  a  good  healthy  spot  in  a 
man,  not  if  they  kan  find  a  spot  that  iz  a  leetle  raw. 

Their  principal  food  iz  every  thing,  they  will  pitch  into  a 
ded  snaik,  or  a  quarter  ov  beef,  with  the  same  anxiety,  and 
will  eat  from  sun  rise,  till  seven  o'clock  in  the  evening,  with- 
out getting  more  than  haft'  phi  ill. 

They  will  eat  more,  and  hold  less,  than  cuny  bug  we  kno 
ov. 

The  fly  haz  a  remarkable  impoverished  memory,  yu  may 
drive  him  out  ov  yure  ear ;  and  he  will  land  on  yure  forhed, 
hit  him  aginly,  and  he  enters  yure  noze,  the  oftner  yu  git 
rid  ov  him  in  one  spot,  the  more  he  gets  onto  another ;  the 
Only  way  tew  inculcate  him  with  yure  meaning,  iz  tew  smash 
him  up  fine. 

Naturalists  dont  tell  us  all  about  the  soslmll  habits  ov  the 
fly,  but  i  beleave  they  hav  temprate  habits,  and  altho  they 
hang  around  grocerys  a  good  deal,  I  never  saw  a  fly  ihewuss 
for  liquor,  but  i  hav  often  seen  liquor  the  wuss  for  flies 


142  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

They  hav  a  big  appetight  for  gitting  into  things,  thev  are 
the  fust  at  the  dinner  table,  and  alwus  take  soup,  and  dont 
leave  untill  the  cloth  iz  removed. 

Flys  see  a  grate  deal  ov  good  sosiety,  they  are  admitted  in- 
to all  circles,  and  if  they  remember  one  haff  that  they  see  and 
hear,  what  a  world  ov  phunny  sekrets  they  could  unfold ;  but 
flys  are  perfekly  honarable,  and  never  betray  a  konlidencc. 

What  would  sum  lovers  giv,  if  they  could  only  git  a  fly  tew 
blab,  but  a  fly  iz  a  perfek  gentleman,  he  eats  oph  from  your 
plate,  enjoys  yure  couversashun,  sees  sights,  and  haz  more 
plum,  and  privilege,  than  a  prime  minister,  or  a  dressing  maid, 
but  when  yu  cum  tew  pump  him,  he  iz  az  dry  in  the  mouth, 
az  a  salt  codfish. 

Thare  iz  sumthing  a  fly  will  blow,  but  he  wont  blow  a  se- 
kret. 

Flys  i  think,  must  be  born  whole,  for  i  never  saw  a  hafi* 
born  fly,  they  are  all  ov  a  size  when  yu  fust  see  them,  like  a 
paper  ov  pins,  and  never  git  enny  smaller. 

I  dont  kno  ov  a  more  happy,  whole  souled,  honest  critter, 
among  the  bug  dispensation,  than  a  hansom,  square  bilt  fly, 
taking  a  free  ride  in  central  park,  with  the  Mayor  and  hiz 
wife,  or  a  free  lunch  at  Delmonico's,  with  the  minister  from 
England,  and  then  finishing  up  the  bizzness  ov  the  day,  by 
sleeping  npside  down,  on  the  ceiling  ov  my  ladys  bed  cham- 
ber. 

But  tharaiz  plenty  ov  pholks  who  kant  see  enny  phun,  or 
religion  in  a  fly,  whoze  whole  aim  iz  tew  set  molasses  traps 
for  them,  tew  chase  them  out  ov  the  house  with  a  sled  stake, 
and  then  clear  across  a  ploughed  lot  onto  the  next  farm,  tew 
git  up  nights  in  their  stocking  feet,  tew  worry  them,  with  the 
tongs,  tew  drive  them  tew  the  brink  ov  despair,  and  finally 
ruin  them,  with  deth. 

I  thank  the  Lordi  ain't  one  ovthoze,  i  don't  luv  a  fly  enufl", 
lew  leave  mi  vittles,  and  fall  down  flatt  on  mi  stummuk,  and 
worship  them,  but  a  fly  may  cum  and  sit  on  mi  noze,  all  day, 
and  chaw  hiz  cud  in  silence,  if  he  will  only  sit  still. 

Flvs  tickle  me,  but  thev  don't  make  me   sware,  it  takes  a 


THE  CROW.  143 

bedd  bug,  at  the  hollow  ov  night,  a  mean,  loafing  bed  bugg, 
who  steals  out  ova  k rack  in  the  wall,  az  silently  az  the  swet 
on  a  dog's  noze,  and  then  creeps  az  soft  az  a  shadder,  on  tew 
mi  tenderest  spot,  and  begins  tew  bore  for  my  ile,  it  takes 
one  ov  theze  foul  fiends  ov  blood,  and  midnite,  tew  make  me 
sware,  a  word  ov  two  sillables. 

A  fly,  the  dear,  little,  social  innocent,  kant  make  me  sware, 
hot  even  an  abreviated  dam. 

I  dispize  enny  men  who  sware,  it  iz  not  only  wicked,  but 
always  smells  ov  whiskey. 

This  essa,  on  the  little  fly,  who  visit  us,  in  the  spring  ov 
the  year,  just  az  they  am,  will  not  interest  the  exceeding  lit- 
erary, or  thoze  who  think  they  hav  discovered  poetry  in  their 
sile,  it  takes  the  essa  on  the  lite,  and  deth,  ov  an  orphan  rose- 
biid,  or  the  golden  sheen  ov  a  sassy  moonbeam,  dancing  in  a 
budoir  tew  the  dreams  ov  a  restive  beauty,  it  takes  sumthing 
ov  this  breed,  tew  fetch  them. 


TIIE   CROW. 

"VTKXT  to  the  monkey,  the  crow  haz  the  most  deviltry 
-Li  to  spare.  They  are  born  verry  wild,  but  lean  be  tamed 
az  eazy  az  the  goat  knn,  but  a  tame  crow  iz  aktually  wusa 
than  a  sore  thumb. 

If  thare  iz  enny  thing  about  the  house  that  they  kant  git 
into,  it  iz  bekause  the  thing  ain't  big  enuff.  I  had  rather 
watch  a  distrikt  skool  than  one  tame  crow.  Crows  live  on 
what  they  kan  steal,  and  they  will  steal  enny  thing  that  aiut 
tied  down. 

They  are  fond  ov  meat  vittles,  and  are  the  first  tew  hold 
an  inquest  over  a  departed  horse,  or  a  still  sheep.  They  are 
a  fine  bird  tew  hunt,  but  a  hard  one  tew  kill ;  the  /  kan  see 
you  2  miles  first,  and  will  smell  a  gun  right  through  the  side 
ov  a  mountain. 

They  are  not  Bongstirs,  altho  they  hav  a  good  voice  to 


144  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

cultivate,  but  what  they  do  sing,  they  seem  to  understand 
thoroughly ;  long  praktiss  has  made  them  perfekt. 

The  crow  iz  a  tuff  bird,  and  kan  stand  the  heat  like  a  black- 
smith, and  the  cold  like  a  stun  wall. 

They  bild  their  nest  among  a  tree,  and  lay  twice,  and  both 
eggs  would  hatch  out  if  they  was  laid  in  a  snow  bank, — tharc 
aint  no  such  thing  as  stopping  a  young  crow. 

Crows  are  very  lengthy ;  i  beleave  they  live  always  i  never 
knu  one  to  die  a  natral  deth,  and  don't  believe  they  kno  how. 

They  are  alwus  thin  in  flesh,  and  are  like  an  iiijun  nibber 
shew,  poor  inside  and  out. 

They  are  not  considered  fine  eating,  altho  i  hav  read  sum- 
whare  ov  biled  crow,  but  still  i  never  heard  ov  the  same  man 
hankering  for  sum  biled  crow  2  times. 

This  essa  on  the  crow  is  copied  from  natur,  and  if  it  is  true 
i  aint  tew  blame  for  it ;  natur  made  the  crow,  i  didn't ;  if  i 
had  i  \vould  hav  made  her  more  honest  and  not  quite  so  tuff. 


THE  BUMBLE  BEE. 

Bumble  Bee  is  one  ov  natur's  sekrets. 
-L    They  probably  hav  a  destiny  to  fill,  and  are  probably 
necessary,  if  a  fellow  only  knew  how. 

They  liv  apart  from  the  rest  ov  mankind,  in  little  circles 
numbering  about  75  or  80  souls. 

They  are  born  about  haying  time,  and  are  different  from 
enny  bug  i  know  ov  ;  they  are  the  biggest  when  they  are  fust 
born.  They  resemble  sum  men  in  this  respekt. 

Their  principle  bizziness  iz  making  poor  honey,  but  they 
don't  make  enny  to  sell. 

Boys  sumtimes  rob  them  out  ov  a  whole  summers  work  ; 
but  thare  is  one  thing  about  a  bumble  bee  that  boys  ahvus 
watch  dreadful  cluss,  and  that  iz  their  helm. 

I  had  rather  not  hav  awl  the  bumble  bee  honey  that  is  be- 
tween here  and  the  city  ov  Jerusalem,  than  tew  hav  a  bumble 
beje  hit  me  with  his  helm  when  he  cums  round  suddin. 


THE  ROBBING. 

THE  ROBBING. 


robin  haz  a  red  brest. 
JL    They  hav  a  plaintiff  song,  and  sing  az  tho  they  waz 
sorry  for  sum  thing. 

They  are  natiffs  ov  the  northern  states,  but  go  south  to 
winter. 

They  git  their  name  from  their  grate  ability  for  robbing 
a  cherry  tree. 

They  kan  also  robin  a  currant  bush  fust  rate,  and  are  smart 
on  a  goose  berry. 

If  a  robin  kant  find  enny  thing  else  tew  eat,  they  aint  tew 
fastidious  tew  eat  a 
ripe  strawberry. 

They  build  their 
nest  out  ov  mud,  and 
straw,  and  lay  4  eggs, 
that  are  speckled. 

Four  yung  rob- 
bings, in  a  nest,  that 
are  just  hatched  out, 
and  still  on  the  half- 
shell,  are  alwus  az 
reddy  for  dinner,  az 
a  nuzeboy  iz. 

If  enny  boddy  goes 
near  their  nest,  their 
mouths  all  fly  open 
at  once,  so  that  yu 
kan  see  clear  down 
tew  their  palates. 

If  it  want  for  the  birds,  I  suppose,  ov  course,  we  should 
all  be  et  up  by  the  catterpillars,  and  snakes,  but  i  hav  thought, 
it  wouldn't  be  enny  thing  more  than  common  politeness,  for 
the  robbings,  tew  let  us  hav,  now,  and  then,  just  one  ov  our 
own  cherriz,  tew  see  Iiow  thev  did  taste. 
10* 


146  ANIMATED  NATUE. 

THE  SWALLO. 

THE  swallo  iz  a  lively  bird. 
Swallows  make  their  appearance  late  in  the  spring,  and 
alwus  in  a  twitter  about  sumthing. 

They  hav  az  mntch  twitter,  as  a  boarding  skool  miss. 

They  kan  fli  az  swift  az  an  arrow,  and  a  great  deal  crook- 
ider. 

I  have  seen  them  skim  a  mill  pond,  cluss  enuff  tew  take 
the  cream  off  from  it,  and  even  make  the  frogs  dodge,  and 
not  touch  the  water. 

"When  the  swallo  cums,  spring  haz  cnm  sure,  but  thare  iz 
an  old  proverb,  (one  ov  Solomans,  i  presume,)  which  sez, 
"  one  swallo  dont  make  a  spring." 

This  may  be  so,  but  i  have  seen  a  spring  (ov  water),  that 
would  make  a  grate  menny  swallows. 

Swallows  never  hav  the  dispepshy,  they  liv  upon  nothing, 
and  take  a  grate  deal  ov  exercise  in  the  open  air. 

They  dont  set  up  nites  busting,  and  never  cheat  a  taylor 
out  ov  hiz  bill. 

They  dont  waste  enny  time  in  the  morning  making  their 
toilett,  but  like  the  flowers,  shake  oph  the  dew  from  their 
heds,  and  are  reddy  for  bizzness. 

I  kant  think  ov  enny  thing  God  has  made,  more  harmless 
than  a  swallo,  they  are  as  innosent  az  a  daizy,  and  az  pure  as 
the  air  they  swim  in,  they  wont  live,  shut  up  in  a  cage,  mutch 
longer,  than  a  trout  will. 


THE  BAT. 

THE  bat  is  a  winged  mouse. 
They  live  very  retired  during  the  day,  but  at  nite  cum 
out  for  a  frolik. 

They  fli  very  mutch  unsartin,  and  ackt  az  tho  they  had 
taken  a  little  too  mutch  gin. 


THE  HAWK.  141 

They  look  out  ov  their  face  like  a  young  owl,  and  will  bito 
like  a  snappin  turkle 

What  they  are  good  for  i  kant  tell,  and  dont  believe  they 
kan  tell  neither. 

They  dont  seem  tew  be  bird,  beast,  nor  insek,  but  a  kind  oi 
live  hash,  made  out  ov  all  three. 

If  thare  want  enny  bats  in  this  world,  i  dont  suppose  the 
earth  would  refuse  tew  revolve  on  its  axis,  once  in  a  while, 
just  for  fun. 

But  when  we  cum  to  think,  that  thare  aint  on  the  face  ov 
the  earth,  even  one  bat  too  mutch,  and  that  thare  haint  been, 
sintz  the  daze  ov  adam,  a  single  surpluss  muskeeters  egg, 
laid  by  acksident,  we  kan  form  sum  kind  ov  an  idea,  how  little 
we  know,  and  what  a  poor  job  we  should  make  ov  it,  running 
the  machinery  of  kreaslmn. 

Man  iz  a  phool  enny  how,  and  the  best  ov  the  joke  iz,  he 
don't  seem  tew  kno  it. 

Bats  hav  a  destiny  tew  fill,  and  i  will  bet  4  dollars,  they  fill 
it  better  than  we  do  ours. 

Bats  liv  on  flies,  and  hawks  liv  on  bats,  but  who  livs  on  the 
hawks,  i  kant  tell. 

Biled  hawk  may  be  good,  i  never  herd  enny  boddy  say  it 
wasn't,  but  i  dont  hope  i  shall  ever  be  called  upon  tew  de- 
cide it. 

Tew  save  life,  i  would  eat  biled  hawk,  but  if  it  tastes  az  i 
think  it  duz,  i  wouldn't  ask  for  a  seckond  plate  ov  it. 


THE  HAWK. 

hawk  iz  a  karniverous  foul,  and  a  chickiniverous  one 
JL  too,  every  good  chance  he  kan  git. 

I  hav  seen  them  shut  up  their  wings,  and  dropdoun  out  ov 
the  skey,  like  a  destroying  angel,  and  pick  up  a  yung  goslic 
in  each  hand,  and  sore  aloft  agin  pretty  quick. 

They  bild  their  nests  out  ov  the  reach  ov  civilizashun,  g<. 


L-iS  ANIMATED  NATUK. 

that  no  mishi'onary  kan  git  to  them,  unless  he  kan  klimb  well 

Powder  and  double  B  shot,  iz  the  only  thing  that  will  civil« 
ize  a  hawk  clear  through,  so  that  he  will  stay  so,  and  it  takes 
a  big  charge  ov  this  too. 

I  have  fired  a  double-barrelled  gun  into  them,  loaded  with 
fine  shot,  and  it  had  the  same  exilirating  effekt  on  them,  that 
4  quarts  ov  oats  would  hav,  on  an  old  hoss,  it  made  them 
more  lively  for  a  fu  minnits. 

I  hav  seen  ded  hawks,  but  i  never  shed  enny  tears  over 
them. 

I  doiit  surpose  that  even  hen  hawks  are  made  in  vain,  but 
i  hav  wondered,  if  just  enuff  ov  them,  tew  preserve  an  assort- 
ment, wouldn't  answer. 


THE  MEDDO  MOLE. 

THE  meddo  mole  iz  either  a  small  rat,  or  a  big  mouse,  i 
dont  kno  which. 

They  hav  some  soft,  silken  fur,  and  dig  in  the  ground  for 
a  living. 

They  kan  bore  a  hole  in  the  ground  fazter  than  a  2  inch 
augur  kan,  and  kan  travel  klear  akrost  a  10  aker  lot,  in  one 
night,  and  never  cum  once  tew  the  surface. 

They  dont  have  enny  eyes,  but  see  with  their  ears,  and  kan 
see  more  without  seeing  anything,  than  enny  rat  in  amerika. 

How  a  meddo  mole  kau  see  with  their  ears  iz  one  ov  naturs 
misterys,  and  natur  luvs  misterys,  it  iz  the  misterys  ov  natur 
that  makes  mankind  respektful. 

If  natur  showed  all  the  kards  she  held  in  her  hand  most 
enny  boddy  would  think  they  could  beat  her. 

But  natur  makes  us  guess  at  about  one-half  we  know,  and 
then  laffs  at  us,  in  her  sleeve,  bekauze  we  dont  git  it  right. 

1  dont  kno  whether  meddo  moles  are  an  accredited  artikle 
ov  diet  or  not,  i  never  hav  seen  their  names  registered  on  enny 
bill  of  fare,  in  our  grate  hotels  spelt  in  english,  but  thare  iz 


THE  POSSUM.  140 

so  mutch  meat  fixings  Avith  french,  and  dutch  names  on  the 
bills,  that  they  may  be  thar. 

I  dont  kno   how    meddo  moles  are  spelt  in  dutch. 

A  meddo  mole  mite  eat  fust  rate  in  dutch,  and  be  kussid 
common  vittles  in  englisk. 


THE  POSSUM. 

possum  iz  a  fello  ov  the  Southern  and  "Western  States. 
-L  He  owns  a  sharp  noze,  a  keen  eye,  a  lean  head,  a  phat 
boddy,  and  a  poor  tail. 

He  enjoys  roots,  chickens,  grass,  eggs,  green  korn,  and  lit- 
tle mice,  and  eats  what  he  steals,  and  steals  what  he  eats. 

Hiz  boddy  is  kivvered  with  a  hairy  kind  ov  phur,  ov  a 
dirty  white  complexion  ;  hiz  feet  and  fingers  resemble  the  rack- 
koon,  hiz  ears  are  a  trifle  smaller  than  the  mules,  and  hiz  tail 
iz  az  round  az  an  eel,  and  az  free  from  capilliaryness  as  the 
snaiks  stummuk. 

The  possum's  tail  bothers  me.  I  hav  looked  at  it  bi  the  hour ; 
i  hav  studdyed  it,  and  tried  tew  parse  it ;  i  hav  figgered  on  it 
az  cluss  az  i  would  a  proposishun  in  Euklid  ;  i  hav  hung  over 
it  az  fondly  az  a  kemist ;  i  hav  fretted  and  wondered,  hav  got 
mad,  wept  and  swore,  and  kant  tell  to  this  day  win  a  possum 
should  hav  a  hairless  caudel. 

If  some  philosophik  mind,  out  ova  present  job,  will  explain 
this  tale  to  me,  and  sho  me  the  mercy  ov  it,  i  will  explain  to 
him,  free  from  cost,  the  pucker  ov  the  persimmon,  or  the  vital 
importance  thare  iz  in  being  bolegged,  two  inisterys  which  are 
only  known  to  the  Billings  family. 

The  possum  iz  a  lonesum  and  joyless  vagabond,  living  just 
near  enuff  to  the  smoke  ova  chimbly  tew  pick  up  a  transient 
goslin  or  a  ten  dollar  bill,  or  ennything  else  that  aiut  stuck 
fast. 

Thare  iz  omy  one  man  in  this  visionary  world  who  seems 
tew  hav  an  a.1inity,  ov  a  moral  natur,  for  the  possum:  and  that 


/50  ANIMATED  XATUR. 

iz  a  darkey.  They  are  the  nigger's  poultry  and  roast  ]amo 
The  possum,  in  poor  condislnm,  is  az  phull  ov  phatt  as  a 
tailo  kandlc  in  the  month  ov  august,  but  having  et  possum 
miself,  and  biled  awl  from  necessity,  i  am  full  ov  the  opinyun 
that  between  the  two  mi  choice  would  be  never  agin  to  take 
either. 

Possums  alwus  hav  twins  when  they  hav  ennything,  and 
sumtimes  an  extra  one,  and  they  suckle  their  y ung  on  an  entire 
different  principal  from  the  goose. 

Their  skins  are  a  subject  of  traffick,  and  are  worth  in  mark- 
et from  nine  to  ten  cents  a  piece,  provided  the  tail  is  ampu- 
tated. A  possum's  tail  iz  not  only  worthless,  but  iz  a  damage 
to  any  enterprizing  man. 

Theze  skins  are  colored  and  made  into  mink  muffs,  and  sold 
for  twenty-five  dollars  a  head,  tew  thoze  whoze  early  eduka- 
shun  has  bin  neglekted. 

Thare  iz  only  one  thing  about  a  possum's  skin  different  from 
a  hoss  hide,  they  don't  shed  their  hair,  evry  hair  is  drove  in 
and  clinched  on  tuther  side. 

Possum's  hav  butif  ul  white  natral  teeth,  and  their  mouth  iz 
az  full  ov  them  az  a  kow  hide  boot  iz  ov  shu  pegs. 

But  say  what  yu  will  about  theze  comick  geniuses  ov  natur, 
they  hav  got  two  things  that  they  own  and  no  other  anirnul, 
feathered,  or  hairy,  possesses  them  so  mutch. 

I  mean  tuffness  and  cunning 

If  a  possum  thinks  he  kant  reach  hiz  hole,  in  the  hollo  ov 
the  tree,  tew  eskape  a  wandering  dog  or  a  stray  nigger,  he 
lays  himself  down  level  on  the  opposite  side  ov  hiz  belly,  and 
dies  az  ded  az  a  two  dollar  watch. 

The  dog  will  smell  ov  hiz  corpse  and  pass  on,  the  nigger 
will  rool  him  over,  pheal  ov  hiz  phatt,  and  konkluding  that 
"  dis  possum  hab  been  eating  pizen ;"  take  him  by  the  tail 
and  send  him  buzzing  into  a  brush  heep. 

Many  a  possum  haz  saved  hiz  life,  and  hiz  phatt,  bi  thus 
loozeing  it. 

I  hav  often  killed  them  with  a  klub,  sufficiently  dead  enufl 
tew  bury,  and  hiding  behind  a  tree,  fur  a  fu  minnitts,  hav 


THE  CURSID  MUSKETO.  15J 

seen  them  born  agin,  and  sneak  oph  into   the   underbrusa 

If  thare  iz  enny  boddy  who  don't  beleave  this  i  don't  care, 
i  only  write  what  i  know,  and  don't  hold  miself  liable  for 
other  folks'  ignorance. 

Possum  grease  and  hoe  kake,  in  equal  parts,  will  phatt  a  nig- 
ger in  60  days,  and  make  hiz  face  glisten  like  a  piece  ov  pat- 
tent  leather. 

If  the  possum  only  had  hare  on  the  tail  i  could  account  for 
him  fully,  but  this  lack  ov  the  hirsute  attachment  bothers  me. 

I  think  now  i  would  giv  ten  dollars  tew  be  made  well  on 
this  subjeckt. 

Altho  the  possum  dies  hard,  he  lives  eazy,  and  i  might  az 
well  own  it,  forever,  for  i  have  spent  a  great  quantity  ov  mi 
life  surrounded  by  possums  and  other  historick  vermin,  and 
never  heard  only  ov  acksident  death  in  the  possum  family. 

The  muskrat  and  the  possum  hav  similar  tales,  but  the 
muskrat  steers  himself  with  hiz  while  bathing,  but  the  possum 
never  bathes  in  ennything  but  chicken  blood. 

The  studdy  ov  natur  iz  a  good  risk  to  take,  and  will  make 
sum  men  az  phull  ov  knowledge  az  an  unabridged  Webster's 
spellin  book,  while  thare  iz  others  that  natur  nor  ennyboddy 
else  haint  bin  able  tew  edukate  yet. 


TIIE  CUESID  MUSKETO. 

DEAR : — Yure  letter  kame  safe  unto  hand  last  nite 
bi  mail,  and  i  hurry  tew  rcpli. 

The  best  musketers  now  in  market  are  raised  near  Bergen 
point,  in  the  dominion  ov  Xu  Jersey. 

They  gro  thare  verry  spontaneous,  and  the  market  for 
them  iz  verry  unstiddy — the  grate  supply  injures  the  de- 
mand. 

Two  hundred  and  fifty  to  the  square  inch  iz  konsidered  a 
paying  krop,  altho  they  often  beat  that. 

They  don't  require  enny  missing,  and  the  poorer  the  land 
the  bigger  the  yield. 


152 


ANIMATED  NATUR 


If  it  want  for  musketers  i  dont  kno  what  sum  people  would 
do  thare  tew  git  a  living,  for  thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  kultiva- 
ted  land  thare  that  wont  raize  ennything  else  at  a  proffit. 

The  musketer  iz  a  short  lived  bug,  but  don't  waste  enny 
time ;  they  are  alwuss  az  reddy  for  bizzness  az  pepper  sass  izs 

and  kan  bight  10 
minnitts  after  they 
are  born  just  az  flu- 
ently az  ever. 

Thare  iz  people 
in  this  world  so  kon- 
trary  at  heart,  and 
so  ignorant,  that 
they  wont  see  enny 
wisdum  in  having 
musketers  around ; 
i  alwus  pitty  sutch 
pholks — their  edu- 
kashun  haz  been 
sorely  neglekted  and 
aint  level. 

Wisdum  iz  like 
duks  eggs — if  yu  git 
them,   yu    hav   got 
tew  sarch  for  them 
— thare  aint  no  duks  in  theze  benighted  days  that  will  cum 

and  la  eggs  in  yure  hand — not  a  duk,  Mr. ,  not  a  duk. 

The  musketo  is  a  soshul  insex ;  they  liv  verry  thick 
amungst  each  other,  and  luv  the  sosiety  ov  man  also,  but  don't 
kontrakt  enny  ov  hiz  vices. 

Yu  never  see  a  musketer  that  was  a  defaulter ;  they  never 
fail  to  cum  to  time,  altho  thousands  looze  their  lives  in  the 
effort. 

The  philosophers  tell  us  that  the  muskeeters  who  can't  sing 
won't  bight ;  this  information  may  be  ov  grate  use  to  science, 
but  aint  worth  mutch  to  a  phellow  in  a  hot  nite  whare  mus 
keeters  are  plenty. 


THE    CURSID  MUSKETO. 


THE  CUKSLD  MUSKETO.  153 

If  thare  ain't  but  one  musketer  out  ov  ten  that  kan  bight 
good,  that  iz  enuff  to  sustain  their  reputashun. 

The  philosophers  are  alwus  a  telling  us  sumthing  that  iz 
right  smart,  but  the  only  plan  they  kan  ofi'er  us  tew  get  rid 
ov  our  sorrows  iz  to  grin  and  bear  them. 

They  kant  rob  one  single  musketer  ov  hiz  stingger  by  argu- 
ment. I  say  bully  for  the  muskeeter ! 

The  muskeeter  iz  the  child  ov  circumstansis  in  one  respekt 
— he  can  be  born,  or  not,  and  liv,  and  die  a  square  deth  in  a 
lonesum  marsh,  1600  miles  from  the  nearest  nabor,  without 
ever  tasting  blood,  and  be  happy  all  the  time  ;  or  he  kan  git 
into  sumboddy's  bed-room  thru  the  key-  hole,  and  take  hiz 
rashuns  reglar,  and  sing  sams  ov  praze  and  glorificashun. 

It  don't  kost  a  muskeeter  mutch  for  hiz  board  in  this  world ; 
if  he  kant  find  enny  boddy  to  eat  he  kan  set  on  a  blade  ov 
swamp  meadow  gras  and  liv  himself  to  deth  on  the  damp 
fog. 

The  musketo  is  a  gray  bug  and  haz  6  leggs,  a  bright  eye,  a 
fine  busst,  a  sharp  tooth  and  and  a  reddy  wit. 

He  dont  waste  enny  time  hunting  up  hiz  customers,  and 
alwus  lights  onto  a  baby  fust  if  thare  iz  one  on  the  premises. 

I  positively  fear  a  musketo. 

In  the  dark,  still  nite,  when  every  thing  iz  az  noizeless  az 
a  pair  ov  empty  slippers,  to  hear  one  at  the  further  end  ov 
the  room  slowly  but  surely  working  hiz  way  up  to  yu,  sing 
ing  that  same  hot  old  sissing  tune  ov  theirs,  and  harking  to 
feel  the  exackt  spot  on  yure  face  wrhare  they  intend  tew  lokate, 
iz  simply  premeditated  sorrow  tew  me ;  i  had  rather  look  for- 
ward to  the  time  when  an  elephant  waz  going  tew  step  onto 
me. 

The  musketo  haz  no  friends,  and  but  phew  associates ;  even 
a  mule  dispizes  them. 

But  i  hav  seen  human  beings  who  want  aktually  afraid  ov 
them  ;  i  hav  seen  pholks  who  had  rather  hav  a  muskeeter  lite 
onto  them  than  to  have  atrakt  peddler  lite  onto  them  ;  i  hav 
seen  pholks  who  were  so  tuff  aginst  anguish  that  a  muskeeter 
mite  lite  onto  them  enny  whare  and  plunge  their  dagger  in 
up  tew  the  hilt  in  vain. 


154:  ANIMATED  NATUK 

I  envy  these  people  their  moral  stamina,  for  next  tew  be 
Ing  virtewous  i  would  like  tew  be  tuff. 

O 

This  life  iz  phull  ov  pesky  muskeetos,  who  arealwus  a  look- 
ing for  a  job,  alwus  redd y  tew  stik  a  thissell  into  yu  sum 
whare,  and  sing  while  they  are  doing  it. 

Dear  Mr.  -  — ,  pardon  me  for  saying  so  mutch  about  the 
cursid  muskeeto,  but  ov  all  things  on  this  arth  that  travel,  or 
set  still,  for  deviltry,  thare  aiut  enny  bug,  enny  beast,  or  enny 
beastess,  that  i  dred  more,  and  luv  less,  than  i  do  this  same 
little  gray  wretch,  called  cursid  muskeeter. 


THE  HORNET. 

hornet  is  an  inflamibel  bugger,  sudden  in  hiz  impres- 
J-  shuns  and  hasty  in  hiz  conclusion,  or  end. 

Hiz  natral  disposishun  iz  a  warm  cross  between  red  pepper 
in  the  pod  and  fusil  oil,  and  hiz  moral  bias  iz,  "  git  out  ov  mi 
way." 

They  hav  a  long,  black  boddy,  divided  in  the  middle  bi  a 
waist  spot,  but  their  phisikal  importance  lays  at  the  terminus 
ov  their  subburb,  in  the  shape  ov  a  javelin. 

This  javelin  iz  alwas  loaded,  and  stands  reddy  to  unload  at 
a  minnit's  warning,  and  enters  a  man  az  still  az  thought,  az 
spry  az  liteniiig,  and  az  full  ov  melankolly  az  the  toothake. 

Hornets  never  argy  a  case ;  they  settle  awl  ov  their  differ- 
ences ov  opinyun  bi  letting  their  javelin  fly,  and  are  az  cer- 
tain tew  hit  az  a  mule  iz. 

This  testy  kritter  lives  in  congregations  numbering  about 
one  hundred  souls,  but  whether  they  are  male  and  female,  or 
conservative,  or  matched  in  bonds  ov  wedlock,  or  whether 
they  are  Mormons,  and  a  good  menny  ov  them  klnb  together 
and  keep  one  husband  tew  save  expense,  i  dont  kno  nor  dont 
kare. 

I  never  hav  examined  their  habits  mutch,  i  never  consider 
ed  it  helthy. 


THE  HORNET.  155 

Hornets  bild  their  nests  whenever  they  take  a  noshun  to, 
and  seldom  are  disturbed,  for  what  would  it  profit  a  man  tew 
kill  99  hornets  and  hav  the  one  hundredth  one  hit  him  with 
hiz  javelin? 

They  bild  their  nests  ov  paper,  without  enny  windows  to 
them  or  back  doors.  They  hav  but  one  place  ov  admission, 
and  the  nest  iz  the  shape  ov  an  overgrown  pine-apple,  and  iz 
cut  up  into  just  az  menny  bedrooms  az  thare  iz  hornets. 

It  iz  very  simple  tew  make  a  hornets  nest  if  yu  kan,  but  i 
will  argue  enny  man  300  dollars  he  kant  bild  one  that  he 
could  sell  tew  a  hornet  for  half  price. 

Hornets  are  az  bizzy  az  their  second  couzzins,  the  bee,  but 
what  they  are  about  the  lord  only  knows,  they  dont  lay  up 
enny  honey,  nor  enny  money,  they  seem  tew  be  bizzy  only 
jist  for  the  sake  ov  working  all  the  time,  they  arc  alwus  in 
az  mutch  ov  a  hurry  az  tho  they  waz  going  for  a  doktor. 

I  suppose  this  uneazy  world  would  grind  arownd  on  its  ax- 
letree  onstin  24:  hours,  even  if  thare  want  enny  hornets,  but 
hornets  must  be  good  for  sumthing,  but  i  kant  think  now 
what  it  iz. 

Thare  haint  been  a  bug  made  yet  in  vain,  nor  one  that  want 
a  good  job,  thare  iz  ever  lots  ov  human  men  loafing  around 
black  smith  shops,  and  cider  mills,  all  over  the  country,  that 
dont  seem  tew  be  necessary  for  ennything  but  tew  beg  plug 
tobacco  and  swear,  and  steal  water-melons,  but  yu  let  the 
cholera  brake  out  once,  and  then  yu  will  see  the  wisdurn  ov 
having  jist  sich  men  laying  around  loose,  they  help  count. 

Next  tew  the  cockroach,  who  stands  tew  the  hed,  the  hor- 
net haz  got  the  most  waste  stumrnuk,  in  reference  tew  the 
rest  ov  hiz  boddy,  than  enny  ov  the  insek  populashun,  and 
here  iz  another  mistery :  what  on  arth  duz  a  hornet  want  so 
mutch  reserve  corps  for. 

I  hav  jist  thought — tew  carry  hiz  javelin  in,  thus  you  see, 
the  more  we  diskover  about  things  the  more  we  are  apt  to 
know. 

It  iz  alwus  a  good  purchase  tew  pay  out  our  last  surviving 
dollar  for  wisdum,  and  wisdum  iz  like  the  inisterious  hens  egg. 


156  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

it  aint  laid  in  jure  hand,  but  iz  laid  away  under  the  barn,  and 
/u  hav  got  tew  sarch  for  it. 

The  hornet  iz  an  unsoshall  kuss,  he  iz  more  haughty  than 
he  iz  proud,  he  iz  a  thorough  bred  bug,  but  hiz  breeding  and 
refinement  haz  made  him  like  sum  other  folks  i  kno  ov,  dis- 
satisfied with  himself,  and  everyboddy  else,  too  mutch  good 
breding  ackts  this  way  sumtimes 

Hornets  are  long-lived — i  kant  state  jist  how  long  their 
lives  are,  but  i  kno,  from  instinkt  and  observashun,  that  enny 
kritter,  be  he  bug  or  be  he  devil,  who  is  mad  all  the  time,  and 
stings  every  good  chance  he  kan  git,  gennerally  outlives  all  his 
nabers. 

The  only  way  tew  git  at  the  exact  fiteing  weight  ov  the 
hornet,  is  tew  tutch  him,  let  him  hit  you  once  with  his  jave- 
lin, and  you  will  be  willing  tew  testify  in  court  that  sumbod- 
dy  run  a  one-tined  pitchfork  into  yer ;  and  az  for  grit,  i  will 
state  for  the  informashun  ov  thoze  who  haven't  had  a  chance 
tew  lay  in  their  vermin  wisdum  az  freely  az  i  hav,  that  one 
single  hornet,  who  feels  well,  will  brake  up  a  large  camp 
meeting  ! 

What  the  hornets  do  for  amuzement  iz  another  question  i 
kant  answer,  but  sum  ov  the  best  read,  and  heavyest  thinkers 
amung  the  naturalists  say  they  hav  target  excursions,  and 
heave  their  javelins  at  a  mark  ;  but  i  don't  imbibe  this  asser- 
shun  raw,  for  i  never  knu  enny  boddy,  so  bitter  at  heart  az 
the  hornets  are,  to  waste  a  blow. 

Thare  iz  one  thing  that  a  hornet  duz  that  i  will  giv  him 
credit  for  on  mi  books — he  alwus  attends  tew  hiz  own  bizz- 
ness,  and  wont  allow  any  boddy  else  tew  attend  tew  it,  and 
what  he  duz  iz  alwuz  a  good  job,  you  never  see  them  altering 
enny  thing,  if  they  make  enny  mistakes,  it  iz  after  dark,  and 
aint  seen. 

If  the  hornets  made  haff  az  menny  blunders  az  the  men  do, 
even  with  their  javelins,  everyboddy  would  laff  at  them. 

Hornets  are  clear  in  another  way,  they  hav  found  out,  bi 
tricing  it,  that  all  they  kan  git  in  this  world,  and  bragon,  iz 
their  vittles,  and  clothes,  and  yu  never  see  one,  standing  al 


THE  RABBIT. 


157 


the  corner  ov  a  street,  with  a  twenty-six  inch  face  on,  be- 
kanze  sum  bank  had  run  oph,  and  took  their  money  with 
him. 

In  ending  oph  this  essa,  i  will  cnm  tew  a  stop,  by  conclud- 
ing, that  if  hornets  waz  a  leetle  more  pensive,  and  not  so 
darned  peremptory  with  their  javelins,  they  might  be  guilty  ov 
less  wisdum,  but  more  charity. 

But  yu  kant  alter  bug  natur,  without  spileing  it  for  enny 
thing  else,  enny  more  than  yu  kan  an  elephant's  egg. 


THE  RABBIT. 

THE  rabbit  iz  a  kind  ov  long-eard  and  short-taled  kat,  and 
reside  for  a  living  all  over  the  United  States  ov  Amerika. 
They  are  az  harm- 
less, so  far  az  pizon 
is  consarned,  az  a 
yung  goslin. 

They  liv  in  holes 
in  the  ground,  hol- 
ler logs,  and  under 
brush  heaps,  and  kan 
run  faster  aud  stop 
quicker  than  any  4 
or  6  legged  brute. 

Their  hind  legs 
are  twice  az  long 
and  twice  az  fast  az 
their  fore  ones,  and 
they  seem  tew  be 
hilt  best  for  running 
up  a  hill,  and  back- 
ing down  it.  They 
are  all  colors  known  tew  the  trade,  except  green ;  green  rabbits 
are  out  ov  fashion 


THE    RABBIT. 


ANIMATED  NATUR. 

Rabbits  bile  eazy,  and  eat  soft,  and  are  sed  tew  be  bettel 
vittles  than  the  kat. 

I  don't  kno  exacktly  how  menny  rabbits  thare  are  in  the 
United  States  now,  and  never  expekt  tew  kno,  for  thay  kan 
hatch  out,  and  spred  faster  than  the  meazles. 

One  pair  ov  helthy  and  industrious  rabbits  will  settle  a 
whole  township  in  18  months,  and  begin  tew  emigrate  into 
the  jineing  parts. 

Rabbits  are  az  eazy  tew  kill  az  a  cucumber  vine  when  it 
fust  starts  out  ov  the  ground,  and  are  az  eazy  tew  ketch  az  a 
bad  kold. 

Rabbits  hav  no  kunning,  and  but  little  guile;  i  hav  kept 
them  az  pets,  and  konsider  them  just  about  az  safe  az  they 
are  useless. 

Their  fur  iz  of  sum  value,  but  they  are  az  tender  tew  skin 
without  tareing,  az  a  biled  potater. 


THE  POODLE. 

THE  poodle  iz  a  small  dog,  with  sore  eyes,  and  hid  amungst 
a  good  deal  ov  promiskuss  hair. 

They  are  sum  times  white  for  color,  and  their  hair  iz  tangled 
all  over  them,  like  the  hed  ov  a  yung  darkey. 

They  are  kept  az  pets,  and,  like  all  other  pets,  are  az  stub 
born  az  a  setting  hen. 

A  poodle  iz  a  woman's  pet,  and  that  makes  them  kind  ov 
sakred,  for  whatever  a  woman  luvs  she  worships. 

I  hav  seen  poodles  that  i  almost  wanted  tew  swop  places 
with,  but  the  owners  ov  them  didn't  akt  to  me  az  tho  they 
wanted  tew  trade  for  euny  thing. 

Thare  iz  but  phew  things  on  the  face  ov  this  earth  more 
utterly  worthless  than  a  poodle,  and  yet  i  am  glad  thare  iz 
poodles,  for  if  thare  wasn't  thare  iz  some  people  who  wouldn't 
hav  enny  objekt  in  living,  and  hav  nothing  tew  luv. 

Thare  iz  nothing  in  this  world  made  in  vain,  and  poodles  are 
good  for  fleas. 


THE  PATRIDGE.  1T)9 

Fleas  are  also  good  for  poodles,  for  they  keep  their  minds 
employed  scratching,  and  almost  every  boddy  else's  too  about 
the  house. 

I  never  knew  a  man  tew  keep  a  poodle.  Man's  natur  iz  too 
koarse  for  poodles.  A  poodle  would  soon  fade  and  die  if  a 
man,  waz  tew  nuss  him. 

I  don't  expekt  enny  poodle,  but  if  enny  boddy  duz  giv  me 
one  he  must  make  up  hiz  mind  tew  be  tied  onto  a  long  stick 
every  Saturday,  and  be  used  for  washing  the  windows  on  the 
outside. 

This  kind  ov  missing  would  probably  make  the  poodle  mad, 
and  probably  he  would  quit,  but  i  kant  help  it. 

If  i  hav  got  tew  keep  a  poodle,  he  haz  got  tew  help  wash 
the  windows  every  Saturday.  I  am  solid  on  this  pint. 

Bully  for  me. 


THE  PATRIDGE. 

THE  partridge  iz  a  kind  ov  wild  hen,  and  liv  in  the  swamps, 
and  on  the  hill  sides  that  are  woody. 

They  are  verry  eazy  tew  ketch  with  the  hand,  if  yu  kan  git 
near  enuff  tew  them  tew  put  salt  on  their  tale,  but  this  iz  al 
\vus  diffikult  for  nu  beginners. 

In  the  spring  ov  the  year  they  will  drum  a  tune  with  their 
wings  on  some  deserted  old  log,  and  if  yudraw  ni  unto  them 
tew  observe  the  musik,  they  will  rize  up,  and  kut  a  hole  thru 
the  air  with  a  hum  like  a  bullet. 

Thare  iz  no  burd  kan  beat  a  patridge  on  the  wing  for  one 
hundred  yards,  i  am  authorized  tew  bet  on  this. 

The  patridge  are  a  game  burd,  and  are  shot  on  the  wing, 
if  they  are  not  missed. 

It  iz  dreadful  natral  tew  miss  a  patridge  on  the  fly,  espe- 
cially if  a  tree  gets  in  the  way. 

I  hav  hunted  a  grate  deal  for  patridge,  and  lost  a  grate  deal 
ov  time  at  iu 


160  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

The  patridge  lays  14  eggs,  aud  iz  az  sure  tew  hatch  all  hei 
eggs  out  az  a  cockroach  iz  who  feels  well. 

When  a  brood  ov  yung  patridges  fust  begin  tew  toddle  about 
with  the  old  bird,  they  look  like  a  lot  ov  last  year's  chestnut 
burs  on  legs. 

Broiled  patridge  iz  good  if  yu  kan  git  one  that  waz  born 
during  the  present  century,  but  thare  iz  a  grate  nienny  pat- 
ridge around  that  waz  with  Noah  in  the  ark,  and  they  are  az 
tuff  tew  git  the  meat  oph  ov  az  a  hoss  shu. 

But  broiled  patridge  iz  better  than  broiled  krow,  and  i 
had  rather  hav  broiled  krow  than  broiled  mule  just  for  a 
change. 


THE  SNIPE. 

snipe  iz  a  gray,  misterious  bird,  who  git  up  out  OY 
JL  low,  wet  places  quick,  and  git  back  again  quick. 

They  are  pure  game,  and  are  shot  on  the  move. 

They  are  az  tender  tew  brile  az  a  saddle  rok  oyster,  and 
eat  az  eazy  az  sweetmeats. 

The  snipe  haz  a  long  bill  (about  the  length  ov  a  doktor's) 
and  git  a  living  bi  thrusting  it  down  into  the  fat  earth,  and 
then  pumping  the  juices  out  with  their  tounge. 

I  hav  seen  snipe  so  phatt  that  when  they  waz  shot  50  feet 
in  the  air  and  phell  on  to  the  hard  ground,  they  would  split 
open  like'  an  egg. 

This  will  sound  like  a  lie  to  a  man  who  never  haz  seen  it 
did,  but  after  he  haz  seen  it  did,  he  will  feel  different  about  it. 


THE  COCKROACH. 

THE  cockroach  iz  a  bug  at  large. 
He  iz  one  ov  the  luxurys  ov  civilization. 
He  iz  eazy  to  domestikate,  yielding  gracefully  to  ordinary 
kindness,  and  never  deserting  thoze  who  show  him  propel 
ackts  ov  courtesy. 


THE  COCKROACH.  161 

"We  are  led  to  beleave,  upon  a  cluss  examination  ov  the 
outward  crust  ov  these  fashionable  insekts,  that  they  are  a 
highly  successful  intermarriage  between  the  brunette  pissmire, 
and  the  "  artikilus  bevo"  or  common  Amerikan  grasshopper. 

Naturalists  however  differ,  which  iz  to  be  lamented,  for  a 
diversity  ov  sentiment,  upon  matters  so  important  to  the 
peace  ov  mind  and  moral  advancement  ov  mankind  in  the 
lump,  creates  distrust,  and  tends  to  sap  the  substrata  ov  all 
bug  ethicks. 

But  let  the  learned  and  polite  pull  hair  az  mutch  az  they 
pleaze  about  the  ansestral  claims  ov  the  cockroach  it  iz  our 
bizzness  and  duty,  az  bug  scrutinizer,  tew  show  the  critter  up 
az  we  find  him,  without  caring  a  single,  solitary  curse,  who 
hiz  grandfather  or  grandmother  acktually  waz. 

Thare  iz  no  mistaking  the  f  ackt  that  he  iz  one  ov  a  numerous 
family,  and  that  hiz  attachment  tew  the  home  ov  hiz  boyhood, 
speaks  louder  than  thunder  for  hiz  affecktionate  and  unadul- 
terated uatur. 

He  dont  leave  the  place  he  waz  born  at  upon  the  slightest 
provocation,  like  the  giddy  and  vagrant  flea,  or  the  ferocious 
bed  bugg,  and  untill  death,  (or  sum  vile  powder,  the  inven- 
shun  ov  man)  knocks  at  hiz  front  door,  he  and  hiz  brothers 
and  sisters  may  be  seen  with  the  naked  eye,  ever  and  anon 
calmly  climbing  the  white  sugar  bowl  or  running  foot  races 
between  the  butter  plates. 

How  strange  it  iz  that  man,  made  out  ov  dirt,  the  cheapest, 
material  in  market,  and  the  most  plenty,  should  be  so  deter- 
mined to  rid  the  world  ov  evry  living  bug  but  himself. 

I  dont  doubt  if  he  could  hav  hiz  own  way  for  six  years, 
evry  personal  cockroach  would  be  knocked  off  from  the 
bosom  ov  the  footstool,  and  not  even  a  pair  ov  them  left  to 
repair  damages  with. 

Such  iz  man  ! 

The  cockroach  is  born  on  the  fust  ov  May  and  the  fust  ov 
November  semiannually,  and  is  reddy  for  use  in  fifteen  daya 
from  date. 

They  are  born  from  an  egg,  four  from  each  egg,  and  conse- 
11* 


102  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

quently  the}7  are  all  ov  them  twins.     There  is  no  such  thing 
in  the  annals  ov  natur  as  a  single  cockroach. 

The  maternal  bug  don't  sett  upon  the  egg  as  the  goose 
doth,  but  leaves  them  lie  around  loose,  like  a  pint  ov  spilt 
mustard  seed,  and  don't  seem  tew  care  a  darn  whether  they 
get  ripe  or  not. 

But  I  never  knew  a  cockroach  egg  fail  tew  put  in  an 
appearance.  They  are  as  sure  tew  hatch  out  and  run  as 
Kanada  thistles,  or  a  bad  kold. 

The  cockroach  is  ov  tew  colours,  sorrel  and  black.  They 
are  always  on  the  move,  and  kan  trot,  I  should  say,  on  a  good 
track,  and  a  good  day,  cluss  tew  three  minnitts. 

Their  food  seems  tew  consist,  not  so  mutch  in  what  they 
eat  as  what  they  travel,  and  often  finding  them  dead  in 
my  soup  at  the  boarding-house,  I  hav  cum  to  the  conclusion 
that  a  cockroach  kan't  swim,  but  they  kan  float. 

Naturalists  hav  also  declared  that  the  cockroach  has  no 
double  teeth.  This  is  an  important  fackt,  and  ought  tew  be 
introduced  into  all  the  primary  school  books  ov  Amerika. 

But  the  most  interesting  feature  ov  this  remarkable  bugg 
is  the  lovelyness  ov  their  natures.  They  kan't  bite  nor  sting, 
nor  skratch,  nor  even  jaw  back.  They  are  so  amable  that  I 
hav  even  known  them  tew  get  stuck  in  the  butter,  and  lay 
there  all  day,  and  not  holler  for  help,  and  aktually  die  at  last 
with  a  broken  heart. 

To  realize  the  meekness ovtheze  uncomplaininglittlecusaes, 
let  the  philosophick  mind  just  for  onu  moment  compare  them 
to  the  pesky  flea,  who  light  upon  man  in  hiz  strength  and 
woman  in  her  weakness  like  a  red  hot  shot,  or  to  the  warb- 
ling musketo,  wild  from  a  Xujersey  cat-tail  marsh,  with  hiz 
dagger  in  hiz  mouth  ackeing  for  blood  ;  or,  horror  ov  horrors ! 
to  the  midnight  bed  bugg,  who  creeps  out  ov  a  crack  az  still 
and  az  lean  az  a  shadow,  and  hitches  on  to  the  bosom  ov  buty 
like  a  starved  leech. 

Every  man  haz  a  right  to  pick  hiz  playmates,  but  az  for 
me,  i  had  rather  visit  knee  deep  among  cockroaches  than  to 
hear  the  dicing  embers  ov  a  single  niuskeeter's  song  in  the 


TIEE  MULE. 


163 


room  jineing,  or  to  know  that  thare  waz  just  one  bedbugg 
left  in  the  world  and  he  waz  waiting  for  mi  kandle  to  go  out 
and  for  me  to  pitch  into  bed. 

In  conclusion,  to  show  that  I  aint  fooling,  i  would  be  will- 
ing, if  I  had  them,  to  swap  ten  fust  class  fleas  any  time  for  a 
small  sized  cockroach,  and  if  the  fellow  complained  that  I 
had  shaved  him  in  the  trade.  I  would  return  the  cockroach 
and  sware  that  we  waz  even. 


THE  MULE. 

THE  mule  is  haf  hoss  and  haf  Jackass,  and  then  kums  tu 
a  full  stop,  natur  diskovering  her  mistake. 

Tha  weigh  more,  akordin  tu  their  heft,  than  enny  other 
kreetur,     e  x- 
cept  a  c  r  o  w- 
bar. 

Tha  kant 
hear  enny 
quicker,  nor 
further  than 
the  hoss,  yet 
their  ears  are 
big  enuif  for 
snow  shoes. 

You  k  a  n 
trust  them 
w  i  t  h  e  n  n  y 

one  whose  life  aint  worth  enny  more  than  the  mules.  The 
only  wa  tu  keep  the  mules  into  a  paster,  is  tu  turn  them  in- 
to a  medder  jineing,  and  let  them  jump  out. 

Tha   are   reddy  for  use,  just  as  soon  as  they  will  du  tu 
abuse. 

Tha  haint  got  enny  friends,  and  will  live  on  huolde  berry 
brush,  with  an  ockasional  chanse  at  Kanada  thistels. 


164:  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

Tha  are  a  modern  invenshun,  i  dont  think  the  Bible  deludes 
tu  them  at  tall. 

Tha  sel  for  more  money  than  enny  other  domestik  animile. 
Yu  kant  tell  their  age  by  looking  into  their  mouth,  enny 
more  than  you  kould  a  Mexican  cannons.  Tha  never  hav  no 
dissease  that  a  good  club  wont  heal. 

If  tha  ever  die  tha  must  kum  rite  tu  life  agin,  for  i  never 
herd  noboddy  sa  u  ded  mule." 

Tha  are  like  sum  men,  verry  korrupt  at  harte ;  ive  known 
them  tu  be  good  mules  for  6  months,  just  tu  git  a  good  change 
to  kick  sumbody. 

I  never  owned  one,  nor  never  mean  to,  unless  thare  is  a 
United  Staits  law  passed,  requiring  it. 

The  only  reason  why  tha  are  pashunt,  is  bekause  tha  are 
ashamed  ov  themselfs. 

I  have  seen  eddikated  mules  in  a  sirkus. 

Tha  kould  kick,  and  bite,  tremenjis.  I  would  not  sa  what 
I  am  forced  tu  sa  again  the  mule,  if  his  birth  want  an  outrage, 
and  man  want  tu  blame  for  it. 

Enny  man  who  is  willing  tu  drive  a  mule,  ought  to  be  ex- 
empt by  law  from  running  for  the  legislatur. 

Tha  are  the  strongest  creeturs  on  earth,  and  heaviest 
ackording  tu  their  sise ;  I  herd  tell  ov  one  who  fell  oph  from 
the  tow  path,  on  the  Eri  kanawl,  and  sunk  as  soon  as  he  touch- 
ed bottom,  but  he  kept  rite  on  towing  the  boat  tu  the  ncx 
stashun,  bre'athing  thru  his  ears,  which  stuck  out  ov  the  wa- 
ter about  2  feet  6  inches ;  i  did'nt  see  this  did,  but  an  auction- 
eer told  me  ov  it,  and  i  never  knew  an  auctioneer  tu  lie  unless 
it  was  absolutely  convenient. 


BED  BUGS. 

I  NEVER  see  ennybody  yet  but  what  despised  Bed  Bugs. 
They  are  the  meanest  ov  aul  crawling,  creeping,  hopping, 
or  bi  being  things. 

They  classent  tackle  a  man  bi  dalite,  but  sneak  in,  after 
dark,  and  chaw  him  while  he  iz  fast  asleep. 


THE  FLEA.  165 

A  musketo  will  fight  you  in  broad  dalite,  at  short  range, 
,md  giv  you  a  chance  tew  knock  in  hiz  sides — the  flea  iz  a 
game  bugg,  and  will  make  a  dash  at  you  even  in  Broadway— 
but  the  bed-bugg  i/  a  garroter,  who  waits  till  you  strip,  and 
then  picks  out  a  mellow  place  tew  eat  you. 

If  i  was  ever  in  the  habit  ov  swearing,  i  wouldn't  hesitate 
to  damn  a  bed  bngg  right  tew  hiz  face. 

Bed  bugs  are  uncommon  smart  in  a  small  way  ;  one  pair 
ov  them  will  stock  a  hair  mattrass  in  2  weeks,  with  bugs  enuff 
tew  last  a  small  family  a  whole  year. 

It  don't  do  enny  good  to  pray  when  bed  bugs  are  in  season  ; 
the  only  way  tew  git  rid  ov  them  iz  tew  bile  up  the  whole 
bed  in  aqua  fortis,  and  then  heave  it  away  and  buy  a  new 
one. 

Bed  buggs,  when  they  hav  grone  aul  they  intend  to,  are 
about  the  size  ov  abluejay's  eye,  and  hav  a  brown  complexion, 
and  when  they  start  out  to  garrote  are  az  thin  az  a  grease 
spot,  but  when  they  git  thru  garroting  they  are  swelled  up 
like  a  blister. 

It  takes  them  3  days  tew  git  the  swelling  out  ov  them. 

If  bed  buggs  have  enny  destiny  to  fill,  it  must  be  their 
stummuks ;  but  it  seems  tew  me  that  they  must  hav  bin  made 
by  acksident,  jist  az  slivvers  are,  tew  stick  into  sumboddy. 

If  they  waz  got  up  for  sum  wise  purpose,  they  must  hav 
took  the  wrong  road,  for  there  kant  be  enny  wisdum  in 
chawing  a  man  aul  night  long,  and  raising  a  family,  besides, 
tew  foller  the  same  trade. 

If  there  iz  sum  wisdum  in  aul  this,  I  hope  the  bed  buggs 
will  chaw  them  folks  who  kau  see  it,  and  leave  me  be,  bekause 
i  am  one  ov  the  hereticks. 


THE  FLEA. 

THE  smallest  animal  ov  the  brute  creashun,  and  the  most 
pesky,  iz  the  Flea. 

They  are  about  the  bigness  ov  an  onion  seed,  and  shine  like 
A  bran  new  shot. 


166  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

They  spring  from  low  places,  and  kan  spring  further  and 
faster  than  enny  ov  the  bug-brutes. 

They  bite  wuss  than  the  musketoze,  for  they  bite  on  a  run ; 
one  flea  will  go  aul  over  a  man's  subburbs  iu  2  imnnitts,  and 
leave  him  az  freckled  az  the  meazels. 

It  iz  impossible  to  do  ennything  well  with  a  flea  on  you, 
except  sware,  and  fleas  aint  afraid  ov  that ;  the  only  way  iz 
tew  quit  bizzness  ov  aul  kinds  and  hunt  for  the  flea,  and  when 
you  have  found  him,  he  ain't  thare.  Thiz  iz  one  ov  the  flea 
mysterys,  the  fackulty  they  hav  ov  being  entirely  lost  jist  as 
soon  as  you  hav  found  them. 

I  don't  suppose  thare  iz  ever  killed,  on  an  average,  during 
enny  one  year,  more  than  16  fleas,  in  the  whole  ov  the  United 
States  ov  America,  unless  thare  iz  a  cazualty  ov  sum  kind. 
Once  in  a  while  thare  iz  a  dogg  gits  drowned  sudden,  and 
then  thare  may  be  a  few  fleas  lost. 

They  are  about  az  hard  to  kill  az  a  flaxseed  iz,  and  if  you 
don't  mash  them  up  az  fine  az  ground  pepper  they  M'ill  start 
bizzness  agin,  on  a  smaller  kapital,  jist  az  pestiverous  az  ever. 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  people  %vho  have  never  seen  a  flea,  and  it 
takes  a  pretty  smart  man  tew  see  one  ennyhow  ;  they  don't 
stay  long  in  a  place. 

If  you  ever  ketch  a  flea,  kill  him  before  you  do  ennything 
else  ;  for  if  you  put  it  oph  2  minnits,  it  may  be  too  late. 

Menny  a  flea  haz  past  away  forever  in  less  than  2  minnits 


NOT  ENNY  SHANGHI  FOE  ME. 

shanghi  ruseter  is  a  gentile,  and  speaks  in  a  forrin 
-I-    tung. 

He  is  bilt  on  piles  like  a  Sandy  Hill  crane. 
If  he  had  bin  bilt  with  4  legs,  he  wud  resembel  the  peru- 
vian  lama. 

He  is  not  a  game  animil,  but  quite  often  cums  off  sekund 
best  in  a  ruff  and  tumble  fit-e ;  like  the  injuiis,  tha  kant  stand 
,  and  are  fast  disappearing. 


NOT  ENNY  SHANGHI  FOR  ME.  1(>7 

Tha  roost  on  the  ground,  similar  tew  the   mud   turlde. 
Tha  oftin  go  to  sleep  standing,  and  sum  times  pitch  over, 
and  when  tha   dew,  tha  enter  the  ground   like  a  pickaxe. 
Thare  food  consis  ov  korn  in  the  ear. 
Tha  crow  like  a  jackass,  troubled  with  the  bronskeesucks. 
Tha  will  eat  as  mutch  tu  onst  as  a  district  skule  master, 


SHANGHI. 


and  ginerally  sit  down  rite  oph  tew  keep  from  tipping   over. 

Tha  are  dredful  unhandy  tew  cook,  yu  hav  tu  bile  one 
eend  ov  them  tu  a  time,  yu  kant  git  them  awl  into  a  potash 
kittle  tu  onst. 

The  femail  ruster  lays  an  eg  as  big  as  a  kokernut,  and  is 
sick  for  a  week  afterwards,  and  when  she  hatches  out  a  litter 
of  yung  shanghis  she  has  tew  brood  them  standing  and  then 


168  ANIMATED  NATUR 

kant  kiver  but  3  ov  them — the  rest  stand  around  on  the  out- 
side, like  boys  around  a  cirkus  tent,  gitting  a  peep  under  the 
kanvas  when  ever  tha  kan. 

The  man  who  fust  brought  the  breed  into  this  kuntry 
ought  tew  own  them  all  and  be  obliged  tew  feed  them  on 
grasshoppers,  caught  bi  hand. 

I  never  owned  but  one  and  he  got  choked  tu  deth  bi  a  kink 
in  a  clothes  line,  but  not  until  he  had  swallered  18  feet  ov  it. 

Not  enny  shanghi  for  me,  if  yu  pleze  ;  i  wuld  rather  board 
a  travelling  kolporter,  and  as  for  eating  one,  give  me  a  biled 
owl  rare  dun,  or  a  turkee  buzzard,  roasted  hole,  and  stuffed 
with  a  pair  ov  injun  rubber  boots,  but  not  enny  shanghi  for 
me,  not  a  shanghi ! 

Speaking  ov  hens,  leads  me  tew  remark,  in  the  fust  place, 
that  hens,  thus  far,  are  a  suckcess. 

They  are  domestick,  and  occasionally  are  tuff. 

This  iz  owing  tew  their  not  being  biled  often  enuff  in  their 
younger  daze ;  but  the  hen  ain't  tew  blame  for  this. 

Biled  hen  iz  universally  respekted. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  originality  tew  the  hen — exactly 
how  mutch  i  kant  tell,  historians  fight  so  mutch  about  it. 
Sum  say  Knower  had  hens  with  him  in  the  ark  and  sum  say 
lie  didn't.  So  it  goes,  which  and  tuther. 

I  kant  tell  yu  which  waz  born  fust,  the  hen  or  the  egg ; 
sumtimes  i  think  the  egg  waz — and  sumtimes  i  think  the 
hen  waz — and  sumtimes  i  think  i  don't  kno,  and  i  kant  tell 
now,  which  way  iz  right,  for  the  life  ov  me. 

Laying  eggs  iz  the  hen's  best  grip 

A  hen  that  kant  lay  eggs — iz  laid  out. 

One  egg  iz  konsidered  a  fair  day's  work  for  a  hen.  i  hav 
herd  ov  their  doing  better,  but  i  don't  want  a  hen  ov  mine 
tew  do  it — it  iz  apt  tew  hurt  their  constitution  and  bye-laws, 
and  thus  impare  their  futer  worth. 

The  poet  sez,  butifully : 

"  Sumboddy  haz  stole  our  old  blew  hen  I 

I  wish  they'd  let  her  bee ; 

She  used  tew  lay  2  eggs  a  day, 

jLnd  Sundays  she'd  lay  8." 


THE  AUNT.  ICO 

This  sounds  trew  euuff  for  poetry,  but  i  will  bet  75  thous- 
and dollars  that  it  never  took  place. 

The  best  time  tew  sett  a  hen,  is  when  the  hen  is  reddy. 

I  kant  tell  you  what  the  best  breed  is,  but  the  shanghigh 
is  the  meanest.  It  kosts  as  mutch  tew  board  one,  as  it  duz  a 
stage  hoss,  and  yu  mite  as  well  undertake  tew  fat  a  fanning- 
mill,  by  running  oats  thru  it. 

Thare  aint  no  proffit  in  keeping  a  hen  for  his  eggs,  if  he 
laze  less  than  one  a  day. 

Hens  are  very  long  lived,  if  they  dont  contrakt  the  thrut 
disseaze, — thare  is  a  grate  menny  goes  tew  pot,  evry  year,  bi 
this  melankolly  disseaze. 

I  kant  tell  exactly  how  tew  pick  out  a  good  hen,  but  as  a 
general  thing,  the  long-eared  ones,  are  kounted  the  best. 

The  one-legged  ones,  i  kno,  are  the  lest  ap  tew  skratch  up 
a  garden. 

Eggs  packed  in  equal  parts  ov  salt,  and  lime  water,  with 
the  other  end  down,  will  keep  from  30,  or  40,  years,  if  they 
are  not  disturbed. 

Fresh  beef -stake  is  good  for  hens ;  i  serpose  4  or  5  pounds 
a  day,  would  be  awl  a  hen  would  need,  at  fust  along. 

I  shall  be  happee  tew  advise  with  yu,  at  enny  time,  on  the 
hen  question,  and — take  it  in  egg. 


THE  AUNT. 

The  ant  iz  a  menny  footted  insekt. 

They  live  about  one  thousand  five  hundred  and  fifty  of  them 
(more  or  less),  in  the  same  hole  in  the  ground,  and  hold  their 
property  in  common. 

They  hav  no  holydays,  no  eight-hour  sistem,  nor  never 
strike  for  enny  higher  wages. 

They  are  cheerful  little  toilers,  and  hav  no  malice,  nor  back 
door  to  their  hearts. 

Their  iz  no  sedentary  loafers  amung  them,  and  yu  never  see 
one  out  ov  a  job. 


170  ANIMATED  NAT  UK. 

They  git  up  arly,  go  tew  bed  late,  work  all  the  time,  and 
eat  on  the  run. 

Yu  never  see  two  ants  argueing  sum  phoolish  question  that 
neither  ov  them  didn't  understand;  they  don't  kare  whether 
the  moon  iz  inhabited,  or  not;  nor  whether  a  fish  weighing 
two  pounds,  put  into  a  pail  ov  water  allreddy  phull,  will  make 
the  pail  slop  over,  or  weigh  more. 

They  ain't  a-hunting  after  the  philosopher's  stone,  nor  git 
ting  crazy  over  the  cauze  of  the  sudden  earthquakes. 

They  don't  care  whether  Jupiter  iz  30  or  31  millions  ov 
miles  up  in  the  air,  nor  whether  the  arth  bobs  around  on  its 
axes  or  not,  so  long  az  it  don't  bob  over  their  korn  krib  and 
spill  their  barley. 

They  are  simple,  little,  bizzy  aunts,  full  ov  faith,  working 
hard,  living  prudently,  committing  no  sin,  prazeing  God  by 
minding  their  own  bizzness,  and  dieing  when  their  time  cums, 
tew  make  room  for  the  next  crop  ov  aunts. 

They  are  a  reproach  to  the  lazy,  an  encouragement  tew  the 
industrious,  a  rebuke  tew  the  viscious,  and  a  studdy  to  the 
Christian. 

If  yu  want  tew  take  a  lesson  in  arkitekture,  go  and  set  down 
bi  the  side  ov  their  hole  in  the  ground,  and  wonder  how  so 
menny.kan  liv  so  thick. 

If  yure  pashunce  needs  consolashun,  watch  the  ants,  and  be 
strengthened. 

If  man  had  (added  tew  hiz  capacity)  the  pashunce  and  grit 
ov  theze  little  atoms  ov  animated  natur,  every  mountin  on 
the  buzzum  ov  the  arth  would,  before  this,  hav  bin  levelled, 
and  every  inch  ov  surface  would  scream  with  fruitfulness, 
and  countless  lots  ov  human  critters  would  hav  bin  added  to 
the  inhabitants  ov  the  universe,  and  bin  fed  on  corn  and  other 
sass. 

I  hav  sot  by  the  hour  and  ahaff  down  near  an  aunt-hill,  and 
marvelled  ;  hav  wondered  at  their  instinkts,  and  hav  thought 
how  big  must  be  the  jackass  who  waz  satisfied  to  beleave  tha* 
even  an  ant,  the  least  ov  the  bugs,  could  hav  been  created, 
made  bizzy,  and  sot  to  work  by  chance. 


THE  AUNT.  171 

Oh,  how  i  do  pity  the  individual  who  beleaves  that  all 
things  here  are  the  work  ov  an  acksident !  He  robs  himself 
ov  all  plezzure  on  earth,  and  all  right  in  Heaven. 

I  had  rather  be  an  ant  (even  a  humbly,  bandy-legged,  pro- 
fane swearing  ant),  than  to  look  upon  the  things  ov  this  world 
az  i  would  on  the  throw  ov  the  dice. 

Ants  are  older  than  Adam. 

Man  (for  very  wise  reasons)  want  bilt  untill  all  other  things 
were  finished,  and  pronounced  good. 

If  man  had  bin  made  fust  he  would  hav  insisted  upon  boss- 
ing the  rest  ov  the  job. 

He  probably  would  hav  objekted  to  having  enny  little  bizzy 
aunts  at  all,  and  various  other  objekshuns  would  hav  bin 
offered,  equally  green. 

I  am  glad  that  man  waz  the  last  thing  made. 

If  man  hadn't  hav  bin  made  at  all,  you  would  never  hav 
heard  me  find  enny  fault  about  it. 

I  haven't  much  faith  in  man,  not  bekauze  he  kant  do  well 
but  bekauze  he  wont. 

Ants  hav  bye  laws,  and  a  constitushun,  and  they  mean  sum- 
thing. 

Their  laws  aint  like  our  laws,  made  with  a  hole  in  them,  so 
that  a  man  kan  steal  a  boss  and  ride  thru  them  on  a  walk. 

They  don't  hav  enny  whisky  ring,  that  iz  virtewous,  simp- 
ly, bekauze  it  hooks  bi  the  millyun,  and  then  legalizes  its  own 
ackts. 

They  don't  hav  enny  legislators  that  yu  kan  buy,  nor  enny 
judges,  laying  around  on  the  haff  shell,  reddy  tew  be  swal- 
lered. 

I  rather  like  the  aunts,  and  think  now  I  shall  sell  out  mi 
money  and  real  estate,  and  jine  them. 

I  had  rather  jine  them  than  the  bulls  or  the  bears,  i  like 
their  morals  better. 

The  bulls  and  the  bears  handle  more  money,  it  iz  true,  and 
make  a  grate  deal  more  noize  in  "Wall  street,  one  ov  them 
sticking  his  horn  into  a  flabby  piece  ov  Erie  and  tossing  it  up 
into  the  air,  and  the  other  ketching  it  when  ft  cums  down, 
and  trampling  it  under  hiz  paws. 


172  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

This  may  be  phun  for  the  bulls  and  the  bears,  but  it  iz 
\vtiss  than  the  cholera  inorbust  for  poor  Erie. 

Ants  never  disturb  Erie  ;  yu  couldn't  sell  one  eny  Erie, 
enny  more  than  you  could  sell  one  skrip  on  the  cod-fish  banks 
ov  Nufoundland. 

Ants  are  a  honest,  hard-tugging  little  people,  but  whether 
they  marry,  and  giv  in  marriage,  iz  beyond  my  strength ;  but 
if  they  don't  they  are  no  wuzz  oph  than  they  are  out  west 
(near  the  city  of  Chicago),  where  they  marry  to-day  and  ap- 
ply for  an  injunkshun  to-morrow  ;  and  are  reddy  the  next 
day  to  fite  it  out  agin  on  sum  other  line. 

Wedlok  out  west  (near  the  grate  grain  mart  Chicago)  iz 
one  ov  them  kind  ov  locks  that  almost  enny  boddy  kan  pick. 


SUM  SNAIX. 


THE    ADDER. 

adder  iz  az  spotted  az  a  checker-board,  and  are  very 
JL  butiful  tew  admire  at  a  propper  distance  oph. 

They  hav  a  koal  blak  eye,  which  revolves  on  its  axis,  and 
shines  like  a  glass  bead. 

They  kan  be  found  in  wet  places,  and  are  handy  tew  liv, 
both  down  in  the  \vater,  and  up  on  the  top  ov  the  land.  They 
kan  slip  joph  from  an  old  bridge,  or  a  log,  into  a  mill  pond, 
az  natral,  and  az  eazy,  az  a  pint  ov  turpentine,  and  kno  how 
tew  swim,  and  wave,  on  the  brest  ov  sum  water  like  the  shad- 
do  ov  the  weeping  willo. 

They  are  harmless  tew  bight,  but  one  adder,  would  spile 
all  the  bathing  thare  waz  in  a  mill  pond  for  me,  when  i  waz 
a  boy. 

THE   STRIPED   SNAIK. 

The  striped  snaix  is  one  ov  th«  garden  varietys.  They  in- 
habit door  yards,  and  stun  heaps  down  at  the  foot  ov  the  gar- 
den, and  piles  ov  old  boards,  and  weedy  spots,  and  grass  gen- 
erally. 


SUM  SNA IX. 


173 


\H?  M*T 


They  are  the  domestik  snaik,  if  thare  iz   enny  such  thing, 

and  are   really   az 

harmless  az  an   old 

garter,   but   az   full 

ov  fraid  tew  almost 

every   boddy,   az   a 
•  torpedo. 

The  fust  snaix,  we 

hav    enuy    ackoimt 

ov    much,  waz    the 

devil,  surnamed 

belly  zebubb,     who 

wiggled  his  way  in- 

t  o  t  h  e   Garden  of 

Eden,    and    without 

a   single    trump    in 

hiz  hand,    beat  our 

two  original  ansess- 

tors,  out  ov  joy  in- 

neffible,    and   glory 

halleluyer     forever, 

and  gave  them  in  exchange  for  it  sorrow  without  stint,  and 

wo  unutterabel.     This  was  an  unkommou  poor  trade  for  the 

human  family.     All  snaiks  are  sneaks,  and  steal  around  on 

their  slippry  stummuks,  az  still,  and  greazy,  az  lamp  ile. 

Snaix  kaut  stand  the  enkroachments  ov  civilizashun,  the 
seed  ov  the  woman  iz  alwus  after  them  with  a  long  pole, 
and  a  man,  post  haste  for  a  doktor,  will  al \vuss  dismount,  and 
Inch  hiz  anirnile  boss,  tew  put  an  extra  hed  onto  a  snaix. 

This  kind  ov  treatment  has  alwus  made  snaiks  raizing  a 
dredful  risky  bizzness  teu  follow. 

Out  ov  one  thousand  snaixs  born  annually,  the  staytisstix 
sho  930  ov  them  die  in  a  grate  hurry,  espeshily  whare 
churches  and  school  houses  flourish. 

I  doir  t  kno  ov  a  more  unhelthy  spot  in  the  world  for  a 
snaix  ten  settle  down  and  undertaik  teu  bring  up  a  family 
than  near  a  distrikt  school  house. 


174  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

Let  enny  body  just  holler  "striped  snaix"  once,  near  a 
distrikt  school  house,  and  you  will  see  the  snaix  begin  ten 
paddle,  and  the  young  ones  begin  tew  bile  out  like  hornets  out 
ov  their  nest,  and  proceed  for  that  snaix  like  a  flok  of  young 
turkeys  for  a  Junebug. 

Striped  snaiks  are  about  two  feet  and  one  haff  in  length, 
and  about  one  inch  in  diameter,  and  "thareby  hangs  a  tail." 

THE  BLUE  RACER. 

The  blue  racer  is  a  Western  suaik,  about  6  feet  in  length, 
ov  a  pale  blue  color,  and  the  smartest  snaix,  for  suddenness,  in 
the  universe. 

They  kan  run,  on  a  unmown  meaddo,  as  fast  as  ahoss,  with 
their  heds  about  2  foot  high,  and  their  whole  boddy  bileing 
with  muscles. 

They  are  az  harmless  az  a  rabbit,  and  will  run  if  you  chase 
them,  and  then  will  turn  and  chase  you,  if  you  want  them  tew 
play  "tag." 

They  are  froliksom  cusses,  but  I  never  did  hanker  for  sitch 
kind  of  refreshments. 

They  are  the  nicest  kind  ov  a  mark  to  shoot  at. 

Draw  a  fine  sight  on  their  heds  when  they  hold  up  abov 
the  turf,  and  let  them  hav  one  barrell  ov  number  6  shot,  and 
the  hed  will  be  missing,  and  the  ballance  ov  the  snaix  will  be 
looking  after  the  hed  in  a  grate  hurry,  turning  all  sorts  of 
back  summersets  and  double  and  twisted  bo  knots,  and  hiro- 
gliphick  kontortions  for  20  minutes,  before  they  make  up 
their  mind  that  it  is  safe  tew  die. 

It  is  a  dredt'ul  krewel  sight  tew  see  them  ketch  a  frog, 
it  iz  alwus  done  on  a  run,  and  done  quick,  for  the  poor 
frog  don't  stand  enuy  more  chance  ov  getting  away  than  a 
ehesnutt  tree  duz  when  lightning  fires  up,  and  goes  for  it. 

They  swallo  the  frog  whole,  and  stik  out  with  a  frog  in 
them  like  a  yung  purp  who  haz  allowed  a  quart  ov  butter- 
milk tew  find  its  way  into  him. 

THE    BLAK    SNAIK. 

The  blak  suaix  iz  the  onlv  one  i  kno  ov  \vho  kan  klimb  a 


THE  MILK  SNA  IK. 

tree  without  boosting,  and  take  the  yung  birds  out  ov   theii 
nests  oph  from  the  topmost  limb. 

They  are  az  handy  in  a  tree  top  az  ayung  inunkey,  but  arc 
not  pizon  tew  bight. 

They  hav  a  festive  way  ov  choking  things  tew  death  by 
making  a  cravat  ov  themselfs  around  the  thruts  ov  their  vie 
tims. 

I  hav  herd  ov  wicked  children  being  killed  in  this  way,  but 
never  kmi  a  boy  who  tended  Sunday  skool  regular,  and  who 
want  sassy  tew  hiz  grandfather,  and  who  didn't  eat  enny 
green  apples,  and  hav  the  stummuk  ake  in  consequents,  to 
get  choked  bi  a  blak  snaix. 

Wicked  little  boys,  who  pla  marbles  on  Sunday,  and  who 
say  "Go  up,  old  bald  hed"  and  who  put  kittens  into  tar  bar- 
rels will  make  a  note  ov  this. 

The  blak  snaix  iz  about  5  feet  in  length,  and  sumtimes 
haz  a  white  ring  around  hiz  nek. 

There  iz  very  little  poetry  in  snaix  ov  enny  kind,  untilL 
they  git  their  heds  smashed,  aiid  here  \L  jc.st  whare  the  po- 
etry comes  in. 

There  ain't  much  poetry  in  me,  but  if  I  waz  called  upon 
tew  write  an  obituary  notiss  for  the  whole  race  ov  snaix,  who 
lay  dead  in  one  pile,  i  would  take  oph  mi  coat,  rool  up  mi 
rleeves,  and  saliva  mi  hands,  and  rite  sum  verses  that  i 
wouldn't  be  ashamed  ov  enny  how,  for  i  should  expekt  the 
solemnity  ov  the  ockashun  would  help  me  out  ov  the  skrape. 

THE    MILK    SNAIK. 

The  milk  snaix  hangs  around  pasture  lots,  and  iz  said  tew 
fasten  onto  the  udders  ov  the  cows,  and  git  hiz  milk  puntch 
in  this  underhand  way. 

I  don't  beleave  this,  but  in  writing  the  biography  ov  snai.N 
no  man  iz  obliged  tew  tell  the  whole, truth  about  them  eniiy 
how. 

Fish  and  snaix  are  two  things  that  authors  are  apt  tew 
Consider  the  fackts  ov  when  they  write  onto  them. 

I  never  knu  a  man  yet,  not  even  of  fust  rate  judgment. 


176  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

if  he  should  ketch  a  fish  that  weighed  4  pounds  but  would 
guess  he  weighed  6,  and  if  he  should  kill  a  snaix  that  was  5 
feet,  and  three  inches  long,  would  want  tew  sware  he  waz  14 
foot  long,  without  taking  the  krooks  out  ov  him. 

This  iz  human  natur,  and  human  natur  is  heavy  on  a  mar- 
vel. 

The  Bible  sez,  "marvel  not"  and  altho  i  look  upon  all 
things  in  the  Bible  with  the  utmost  venerashun,  I  hav  won- 
dered if  Joner's  ketching  the  whale  just  az  he  did,  wasn't 
some  kind  ov  authority  for  the  fish  storys  ov  the  present 
daze. 

If  a  man  in  theze  times  should  ketch  a  whale  az  Joner  did, 
he  would  write  an  ackount  ov  it,  and  travel  around  the  kuntry 
and  lektur  onto  it,  and  when  he  deskribed  the  size  ov  that 
whale,  if  a  man  wan't  smart  in  figgures,  he  would  git  a  poor 
idea  of  the  animile's  dimenshuns. 

I  never  have  saw  a  milk  snaix  yet,  and  if  i  phool  mi  life 
away,  and  don't  never  see  one,  I  don't  intend  tew  mourn  in- 
konsolably  about  it. 

I  hav  alreddy  seen  all  the  snaix  I  want  to,  and  wouldn't  go 
a  haff'  a  mile  from  here  to  -see  all  the  snaix  on  the  buzzum  ov 
the  earth  unless  thare  waz  a  bonfire  ov  them. 

Snaix  ov  all  kinds  hav  got  but  one  destiny  tew  fill,  and 
Divine  Providence  haz  fixt  that;  it  is  tew  git  their  Leds 
squeezed  by  a  suitable  sized  pebble. 


THE  KACCOON,  AND  THE  PETTYFOGGER. 

Till]  Raccoon  iz  a  resident  of  the  United  States  ov  America; 
he  emigrated  tew  this  country,  soon  after  its  disko very 
by  Columbus,  without  a  cent,  and  nothing  but  hiz  claws  tew 
git  a  living  with. 

He  iz  one  ov  them  kind   ov  persons  whoze  hide  iz  worth 
more  than  all  the  rest  ov  him. 

lie  resides  among  the  heavy  timber,  and  cultivates  tbe 


THE  RACCOON,  AND  THE  PETTYFOGGER.      177 

cornfields  and  nabring  garden  sass  for  sustenance,  and  under- 
stands hiz  bizznese. 

Iliz  family  consists  ov  a  wife  and  tbree  children,  who  liv 
with  him  on  the  inside  ov  a  tree. 

He  can  alwus  be  found  at  home  during  the  day,  reddy  tew 
receive  calls,  but  his  nights  are  devoted  tew  looking  after  hiz 
own  affairs. 

He  dresses  in  soft  fur,  and  hiz  tail,  which  iz  round,  haz 
rings  on  it. 

Theze  rings  are  ov  the  same  material  that  the  tail  iz,  and 
are  worn  upon  all  occasions. 

During  the  winter  he  ties  himself  up  into  a  hard  not  and 
lays  down  by  hiz  fireside. 

When  spring  opens,  he  opens,  and  goes  out  tew  see  how 
the  chickens  hav  wintered. 

Hiz  life  iz  as  free  from  labor  az  a  new  penny,  and  if  it 
wasn't  for  the  dogs  and  the  rest  ov  mankind,  the  rackcoon 
would  find  what  everyboddy  else  haz  losf — a  heaven  upon 
earth. 

But  the  dogs  tree  him  and  the  men  skin  him,  and  what 
there  iz  left  ov  him  ain't  worth  a  cuss. 

He  iz  not  a  natral  vagabond  like  the  hedgehog  and  the 
alligator,  but  luvs  to  be  civilized  and  liv  amung  folks;  but  he 
haz  one  vice  that  the  smartest  missionary  on  earth  kan't 
redeem,  and  that  iz  the  art  ov  stealing. 

He  iz  seckond  only  tew  the  crow  in  pettit  larceny,  and 
will  steal  what  he  kant  eat,  nor  hide". 

He  will  tip  over  a  barrell  ov  apple  sass  just  for  the  fun  ov 
mauling  the  sass  with  his  feet,  and  will  pull  out  the  plug  out 
ov  the  mollassis,  not  be  kause  he  luvs  sugar  enny  better  than 
he  duz  yung  duck,  but  jist  tew  see  if  the  mollassis  haz  got 
a  good  daub  tew  it. 

I  hav  studdied  animal  deviltry  for  18  years,  bekause  the 
more  deviltry  in  an  animal,  the  more  human  he  iz. 

I  can't  find,  by  sarching  the  passenger  list,  that  Xoah  had 
a  coon  on  board,  but  i  am  willing  tew  bet  10  pound  ov  mut- 
12J 


178  ANIMATED   NATUK. 

ton  sassage,  that  mister  coon,  and   niz  wife  were  commuted, 
by  stealing  a  ride. 

I  never  knu  a  rackcoon  tew  want  ennything  long,  that  hu 
could  steal  quick. 

Ennyboddy  who  haz  ever  looked  a  coon,  right  square  in  the 
face,  will  bet  yu  a  dollar,  that  he  iz  a  dead  beat,  or  under  five 
hundred  dollar  bonds,  not  tew  go  into  the  bizzness,  for  the 
next  ninety  days. 

I  hav  had  tame  coons  by  the  dozzen,  they  are  az  eazy  tew 
tame  az  a  child,  if  yu  take  them  young  enuff,  but  i  kan't 
advise  ennybody  to  cultivate  coons,  they  want  az  mutch  look- 
ing after,  az  a  blind  mule  on  a  tow  path,  and  thare  aint  enny 
more  profit  in  them,  than  thar  iz  in  a  stock  dividend,  on  the 
Erie  Kail  Eoad. 

I  never  waz  out  ov  a  pet  animal  since  I  kan  remember,  till 
now,  but  i  hav  gone  out  ov  the  trade  forever ;  lately,  i  dis- 
kovered,  that  it  waz  a  good  deal  like  making  a  whissell  out  ov 
a  kats  tale,  ruining  a  comfortable  tale,  and  reaping  a  kursid 
mean  whissel. 

Rackcoons  liv  tew  be  65  years  old,  if  they  miss  the  sosiety 
ov  men,  and  dogs  enuff,  but  thare  aint  but  few  ov  them  die 
ov  old  age ;  the  north  western  fur  company,  are  the  grate 
undertakers  of  the  coon  family. 

I  feel  sorry  for  coons ;  for  with  a  trifle  more  brains,  they 
would  make  respectable  pettifoggers  before  a  justiss  ov  the 
peace ;  but  even  this  would  not  save  them  from  final  perdishun. 

Xatur  don't  make  any  mistakes,  after  all ;  she  hits  the  bull 
right  in  the  eye  every  time  :  when  she  wants  a  rackcoon  with 
rings  on  hiz  tale,  she  makes  him;  and  when  she  wants  a  petty - 
f ogger,  she  knows  how  tew  make  him,  without  spileing  a  good 
coon. 

Pettyfoggers,  no  doubt,  hav  a  destiny  to  fill,  and  they  may 
enable  a  justiss  ov  the  peace,  in  a  cloudy  day,  tew  know  a  good 
deal  less  ov  the  law  than  he  otherwize  would  ;  still,  for  all  this, 
if  I  war  obliged  tew  pray  for  one  or  the  other,  I  think  now  I 
should  say,  Giv  us  a  leetle  more  coon,  and  a  good  deal  lesi 
pcttyfogger. 


THE  FEATHERED  ONES. — D IK. 


179 


If  the  Raccoon  would  only  giv  his  whole  attenshun  te\f 
politicks,  thar  ain't  but  few  could  beat  him  ;  he  is  at  home  on 
the  stump,  and  menny  on  us,  old  coons,  kan  reckolekt  how,  in 
1840,  with  nothing  but  a  hard  cider  diet,  he  swept  the  coun- 
try, from  the  north  to  the  south  pole,  like  a  cargo  ov  epsom 
salts. 


THE  FEATHERED  ONES. 


DUK. 

THE  duk  is  a  foul.     Thare  aint  no  doubt  about   this — nat- 
uralists say  so,  and  kommon  sense  teaches  it. 

They  are  bilt  sum  thing  like  a  hen,  and  are  an  up-and-down, 
flat-footed  job.  They 

don't   kackle     like il 

the  hen,  nor  k  r  o 
like  the  rooster,  nor 
holler  like  the  pea- 
kok,  nor  scream  like 
the  goose,  nor  turk 
like  the  turkey  ;  but 
they  quack  like  a 
root  d  o  k  t  e  r,  and 
their  bill  resembles 
a  vetenary  surgeon's. 

They  have  a  wov- 
en fut,  and  kan  float 
on  the  water  az  nat- 
ral  az  a  sope  bubble. 

They  are  pretty 
mutch  all  f  e  a  t  h- 
ers,  and  when  the  THE  *EATH™«>  ONES. 

feathers  are  all  removed,  and  their  innards  out,  thare  iz  just 
about  az  mutch  meat  on  them  az  thare  iz  on  a  krook-necked 
squash  that  haz  gone  tew  seed, 


180  ANIMATED  NATUR 

Wild  duks  are  very  good  shooting,  and  are  very  good  to 
miss  also,  unless  yu  understand  the  bizness. 

You  should  aim  about  three  foot  ahead  ov  them,  and  let 
them  fly  up  tew  the  shot. 

I  hav  shot  at  them  all  day,  and  got  nothing  but  a  tail-feath- 
er now  and  then  ;  but  this  satisfied  me,  for  i  am  crazy  for  all 
kind  ov  sport,  yu  know. 

Thare  are  sum  kind  ov  duks  that  are  very  hard  tew  kill, 
even  if  yu  do  hit  them.  I  shot,  one  whole  afternoon,  three 
years  ago,  at  sum  dekoy  duks,  and  never  got  one  ov  them.  I 
hav  never  told  ov  this  before,  and  hope  no  one  will  repeat  it 
— this  iz  strikly  conti  den  shall. 

TURKEY. 

Roast  turkey  iz  good,  but  tiirkey  with  kranberry  sass  iz 
better. 

The  turkey  iz  a  sedate  person,  and  seldum  forgits  herself 
by  gitting  onto  a  frolik. 

They  are  ov  various  colors,  and  lay  from  12  to  18  eggs,  and 
they  generally  lay  them  whare  noboddy  iz  looking  for  them 
but  them  self s. 

Turkeys  travel  about  nine  miles  a  day,  during  pleasant 
weather,  in  search  ov  their  daily  bred,  and  are  smart  on  a 
grasshopper,  and  red  hot  on  a  kriket. 

Wet  weather  iz  bad  on  a  turkey — a  good  smart  shower  will 
drown  a  yung  one,  and  make  an  old  one  look  and  akt  az  tho 
they  had  just  been  pulled  out  ov  a  swill  barrel  with  a  pair  of 
tongs. 

The  maskuline  turkey  or  gobler,  as  they  are  familiary 
called,  hav  seazons  ov  strutting  which  are  immense. 

I  hav  seen  them  blow  themselfs  up  with  sentiments  of 
pride  or  anger,  and  travel  around  a  red  flannel  petticoat  hung 
onto  a  clothes  line  just  az  tho  they  waz  mad  at  the  petticoat 
for  sumthing  it  had,  did,  or  sed  tew  them. 

The  hen  turkey  alwus  haz  a  lonesum  look  tew  me  az  tho 
she  had  been  abuzed  bi  sumboddy. 

Turkeys  kan  endure  az  mutch  kold  weather  az  the  vane  on 


THE  HOSSTR1TCH.  IS! 

a  clmreli  steeple,  i  li.iv  known  them  tew  roost  all  night  on  the 
top  limb 'ov  an  oak  tree,  with  the  thermometer  20. degrees 
belo  zero,  and  in  the  morning  fly  down  and  wade  through 
the  sno  in  a  barn-yard  to  cool  oph. 

P.  S. — If  you  kant  hav  kranberry  with  roast  turkey,  apple 
sarfs  will  do. 

THE    HOSSTRITCH. 

The  hosstritch  iz  a  citizen  ov  the  dessart,  and  lay  an  egg 
a-bout  the  size  ov  a  man's  hed  the  next  day  after  he  haz  been 
on  a  bumming  excursion. 

They  resemble  in  size,  and  h'gger  about  15  shanghi  roosters 
at  once,  and  are  chiefly  important  for  the  feathers  which  in- 
habit their  tails. 

The  hosstritch  are  hunted  on  hossbak,  and  they  kan  trot  a 
mile  kluss  to  3  minnitts. 

They  lay  their  eggs  in  the  sand,  and  i  think  the  heat  ov 
the  sand  hatches  them  out. 

They  ain't  bilt  right  for  hatchin  out  eggs,  enny  more  than 
a  large-sized  figger  4  iz. 

I  don't  kno  whether  their  eggs  are  good  tew  eat  or  not,  but 
i  guess  not  for  i  never  have  seen  ham  and  hosstritch  eggs  ad- 
vertised on  enny  ov  our  fashionable  bills  ov  fare. 

Biled  hosstritch  may  be  nourishing  and  may  be  not;  I 
think  this  would  depend  a  good  deal  upon  who  waz  called 
upon  tew  eat  it. 

I  shan't  never  enquire  for  biled  hosstritch  az  long  az  i  re- 
main in  mi  right  mind. 

If  the  hosstritch  iz  a  blessing  tew  the  dessert  country  I 
hope  they  will  stay  thare,  for  so  long  as  we  hav  the  turkey 
buzzard,  and  the  Sandy  Hill  Crane,  I  feel  az  tho  we  could 
git  along,  and  endure  life. 

I  am  writing  this  essa  on  the  hosstritch  a  good  deal  by 
guess,  for  i  hav  never  seen  them  in  their  natiff  land,  nor 
never  mean  to,  for  jist  so  long  az  i  kan  git  3  meals  a  day, 
and  liv  whare  grass  groze,  and  water  runs,  i  don't  mean  tew 
hanker  for  hot  sand. 


1  *2  ANIMATED  NATUll. 

THE    PARROT. 

The  parrot  iz  a  bird  ov  menny  colours,  and  inklined  tew  talk. 

They  take  holt  ov  things  with  their  foot,  and  hang  on  like 
a  pair  ov  pinchers. 

They  are  the  only  bird  i  kno  ov  who  kan  konverse  in  the 
inglish  language,  but  like  ineny  other  nu  beginners,  they  kan 
learn  tew  swear  the  eazyest. 

They  are  kept  az  pets,  and  like  all  other  pets,  are  useless. 

In  a  wild  state  ov  nature,  they  may  be  ov  sum  use,  but 
they  looze  about  90  per  cent  ov  their  value  by  civilizaslmn. 

They  resemble  the  border  injun  in  this  respekt. 

"When  yu  cum  tew  take  90  per  cent  oph  from  most  enny 
thing,  except  the  striped  snaik,  it  seems  tew  injure  the  proffits. 

I  owned  a  parrot  once,  for  about  a  year,  and  then  gave 
him  away,  i  haven't  seen  the  man  I  giv  him  to  since,  but  i 
presume  he  looks  upon  me  az  a  mean  kuss. 

If  i  owned  all  the  parrotts  thare  iz  in  the  United  States,  I 
would  banish  them  immejiately  tew  their  native  land,  with 
the  provizo  that  they  should  stay  thare. 

I  don't  make  theze  remarks  tew  injure  the  feelings  ov 
thoze  who  hav  sot  their  pheelings  on  parrotts,  or  petsov  enny 
kind,  for  i  kant  help  but  think  that  a  person  who  gives  up 
their  time  and  tallents  tew  pets,  even  a  sore  eyed  lap  dorg, 
displays  grate  nobility  ov  karakter.  (This  last  remark  wants 
tew  be  took  different  from  what  it  reads.) 

THE    BOBALINK. 

The  bobalink  iz  a  blak  bird  with  white  spots  on  him. 

They  make  their  appearanse  in  the  northern  states  about 
the  10th  ov  June,  and  commence  bobalinking  at  once. 

They  inhabit  the  open  land,  and  luv  a  meadow  that  iz  a 
leetle  damp. 

The  female  bird  don't  sing,  for  the  male  makes  noize  enuff 
for  the  whole  family. 

They  have  but  one  song,  but  they  understand  that  perfektljf 
well. 


THE  EAGLE.— NATRAL  HISTORY.  183 

When  they  sing  their  months  git  az  pliull  ov  inusik  az  a 
man's  duz  ov  bones  who  eats  fried  herring  for  brekfast. 

Bobolinks  are  kept  in  cages,  and  three  or  four  ov  them  in 
one  room  make  just  about  as  mutch  noize  az  an  infant  class 
repeating  the  multiplikashun  table  all  at  once. 

THE   EAGLE. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  poetry  in  eagles ;  they  kan  look 
at  the  sun  without  winking ;  they  kan  split  the  clouds  with 
their  flashing  speed ;  they  kan  pierce  the  bin  etherial  away 
up  ever  so  fur;  they  kan  plunge  into  midnight's  blak  space 
like  a  falling  star;  they  kan  set  on  a  giddy  krag  four  thous- 
and miles  hi,  and  looking  down  onto  a  green  pasture  kan 
tell  whether  a  lamb  iz  phatt  enough  tew  steal  or  not. 

Jupiter,  the  Peterfunk,  god  ov  the  anshunts,  had  a  grate 
taste  for  eagles,  if  we  kan  bek-ave  what  the  poeks  sing. 

I  hav  seen  the  bald-headed  eagle  and  shot  them  in  all  their 
native  majesty,  and  look  upon  them  with  the  same  kind  ov 
venerashun  that  i  do  upon  all  sheep  stealers. 


NATRAL  HISTORY. 

IT  is  not  the  moste  deliteful  task,  tew  write  the  natral  h» 
tory  ov  the  jLouse,  thare  iz  enny  quantity  of  thorobred 
folks,  who  would  konsidder  it  a  kontaminashun,  az  black  az 
pattent  leather,  to  say  louse,  or  even  think  louse,  but  a  louse 
is  a  fackt,  and  aul  fackts  are  never  more  at  home,  nor  more 
unwilling  to  move,  than  when  they  git  into  the  head.  The 
louse  is  one  ov  the  gems  ov  antiquity.  They  are  worn  in  the 
hair,  and  are  more  ornamental  than  useful. 

Not  having  enny  encyclopedia  from  which  tew  sponge  mi 
informashun,  and  then  pass  it  oph  for  mi  own  creashun,  i  shall 
be  forced,  while  talking  about  the  louse,  "  tew  fight  it  out  on 
the  line"  ov  observashun,  and  when  mi  knowledge,  and  experi- 


184-  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

ence  gives  out,  i  shall  tap  mi  iinaginashun,  ov  which  i  hav  a 
crude  supply. 

Book  edukashun  iz  a  phatting  thing,  it  makes  a  man  stick 
out  with  other  folks  opinyims,  and  iz  a  good  thing  tu  make 
the  vulgar  rool  up  the  white  ov  their  eyes,  and  wonder  how 
enny  man  could  ever  kno  so  mutch  wisdum. 

Schooling,  when  I  waz  a  colt,  didn't  lie  around  so  loose  az 
it  duz  now,  and  learning  waz  picked  up  oftner  by  running 
yure  head  aginst  a  stun  wall,  than  by  enny  other  kind  ov 
mineralogy. 

I  have  studied  botany  all  day,  in  a  flat  meadow,  pulling 
cowslops  for  greens,  and  then  classified  them,  by  picking  them 
over  and  gitting  them  reddy  for  the  pot. 

All  the  astronomy  i  ever  got  i  larnt  in  spearing  suckers  bi 
moonlite,  and  mi  geoligy  culminated  at  the  further  end  of  a 
wood  chucks  hole,  espeshily  if  i  got  the  woodchuck. 

Az  for  moral  philosophy  and  rhetorick,  if  it  iz  the  science 
ov  hooking  green  apples  and  water-mellons  30  years  ago,  and 
being  auful  sorry  for  it  now,  i  am  up  head  in  that  class. 
But  all  this  iz  remote  from  the  louse. 

The  louse  iz  a  familiar  animal,  very  sedentary  in  hiz  habits, 
not  apt  tew  git  lost.  They  kan  be  cultivated  without  the  aid 
ov  a  guide  book,  and  with  half  a  chance  will  multiply  and 
thicken  az  much  az  pimples  on  the  goose. 

Thare  iz  no  ground  so  fruitful  for  the  full  development  ov 
this  little  domestick  collateral,  az  a  districkt  school  hous,  and 
while  the  yung  idea  iz  breaking  its  shell,  and  playing  hide  and 
go  seek  on  the  inside  ov  the  dear  urchins  skull,  the  louse  iz 
playing  tag  on  the  outside,  and  quite  often  gets  on  to  the 
school  mom. 

I  hav  alwus  had  a  hi  venerashun  for  the  louse,  not  bekause 
i  consider  them  az  enny  evidence  of  genius,  or  even  neatness, 
but  becauze  they  remind  me  ov  my  boyhood  innocence,  the 
days  away  back  in  the  alpahabet  ov  memory,  when  i  sot  on 
the  flatt  side  ov  a  slab  bench,  and  spelt  out  old  Webster  with 
one  hand,  and  stirred  the  top  ov  my  head  with  the  other. 
Philosophikally  handled,  the  louse  are  gregarious,  and  were 


NATKAL  HISTORY.  185 

a  complete  suckcess  at  one  time  in  Egypt,  bible  historians 
don't  hesitate  tew  say,  that  they  were  aul  the  raije  at  th:;t 
time,  the  whole  crust  ov  the  earth  simmered  and  biled  with 
them,  like  a  pot  ov  steaming  flax  seed,  they  were  a  drug  in 
the  market. 

But  this  waz  more  louse  than  waz  necessary,  or  pleasant, 
and  waz  a  punishment  for  sum  sin,  and  ain't  spoke  ov,  az  a 
matter  tew  brag  on. 

The  louse  are  all  well  enuff  in  their  place,  and  for  the  sake 
ov  variety,  perhaps  a  few  ov  them  are  just  az  good  az  more 
would  be. 

They  were  desighned  for  sum  wize  purpose,  and  for  that 
very  reason,  are  respektabel. 

When,  (in  the  lapse  of  time,)  it  cums  tew  be  revealed  to 
us,  that  a  single  louse,  chewing  away  on  the  summit  ov  Daniel 
Webster's  head,  when  he  waz  a  little  schoolboy,  waz  the  tele- 
graphick  tutch  tew  the  wire  that  bust  the  fust  idee  in  hiz 
brain,  we  shall  see  wisdom  in  the  louse,  and  shant  stick  up 
our  noze,  untill  we  turn  a  back  summersett,  at  these  venera- 
ble soldjers,  in  the  grand  army  ov  progression. 

After  we  hav  reached  years  ov  discretion,  and  have  got  our 
edukashun,  and  our  karakters  have  got  done  developing,  and 
we  begin  tew  hold  offiss,  and  are  elekted  justiss  ov  the  peace, 
for  instance,  and  don't  seem  tew  need  enny  more  louse  tew  stir 
us  up,  it  iz  time  enuff  then  tew  be  sassy  to  them. 

Az  for  me,  thare  iz  only  one  piece  (thus  far)  ov  vital  crea- 
tion, that  i  aktually  hate,  and  that  iz  a  bed-bugg.  I  simply 
dispize  snaiks,/^/*  musketoze,  avoid  fleas,  don't  associate  with 
the  cockroach,  go  around  toads,  back  out  square  for  a  hornet. 

Nevertheless,  moreover,  to  wit,  i  must  say,  even  at  this  day 
of  refinement,  and  bell  letters,  i  do  aktually  luv  to  stand  on 
tip-toe,  and  see  a  romping,  red-cheeked,  blew-eyed  boy,  chased 
up  stairs  and  then  down  stair,  and  then  out  in  the  garden,  and 
finally  caught  and  throwed,  and  held  firmly  between  hiz 
mother's  kneeze,  and  see  an  old,  warped,  fine-toothed  horn 
comb  go  and  come,  half  buried  through  a  flood  ov  lawless 
hair,  and  drag  each  trip  to  the  light,  a  fat  and  lively  louse — 


180 


ANIMATED  NATUR. 


and,  in  conclusion,  to  hear  him  pop  as  mother  pins  him  with 
her  tliinn  nail  fast  tew  the  center  ov  the  comb,  fills  me  chuck 
up  to  the  brim  with  something,  i  don't  know  what  the  feeling 
iz ;  perhaps  suinboddy  out  ov  a  job  can  tell  me. 


KATS. 

AKAT  iz  sed  to  hav  9  lives,  but  i  beleaf  they  donthav  but 
one  square  deth. 

It  iz  allmost  impossible  to  tell  when  a  kat  iz  ded  without 
the  aid  ov  a  koroners  jury. 

I  hav  only  one  way  iniself  to  judge  ov  a  ded  kat. 

If  a  kat  iz  killed  in  the  fall  ov  the  year,  and  thrown  over 


the  fitun  wall  into  yure  nabors  lot,  and  lays  thare  all   wintei 


THE  HUM  BUGG.  187 

ander  a  sno  bank,  and  dont  thaw  out  in  the  spring,  and  keeps 
quiet  during  the  summer  months,  and  aint  missing  when 
winter  sets  in  agin,  I  have  alwus  sed,  that,  '•that  Teat?  waz 
ded,  or  waz  playing  the  tiling  dredful  fine. 

Speaking  ov  kats,  mi  opinyun  iz,  and  will  continue  to  be, 
that  the  old-fashioned  kaliko-eoulered  kats  iz  the  best  breed 
for  a  man  ov  moderate  means,  who  haint  got  but  little  munny 
to  put  into  kats. 

They  propugate  the  most  intensely,  and  lay  around  the 
stove  more  regular  than  the  Maltese,  or  the  brindle  kind. 

The  yeller  kat  iz  a  fair  kat,  but  they  ain't  reliable ;  they 
are  apt  tew  stay  out  late  nights,  and  once  in  a  while  git  on  a 
bad  bust. 

Blak  kats  hav  a  way  ov  gitting  on  the  top  ov  the  wood- 
house  when  other  folks  hav  gone  tew  bed,  and  singing  dewets 
till  their  voices  spile,  and  their  tails  swell  till  it  seems  az  tho 
they  must  split. 


THE  HUM  BUGG. 

THE  most  vain  and  impudent  bug  known  to  naturalists  (or 
enny  other  private  individual)  iz  the  hum  bugg. 

They  have  no  very  partickular  parents  nor  birth  place,  are 
born  a  good  deal  az  tud  stools  are,  wherever  they  kan  find  a 
good  soft  spot. 

It  haz  been  sed  by  commontaters  that  Satan  himself  iz  the 
father  ov  hum  buggs — if  this  iz  a  fakt  he  haz  got  more  chil- 
dren than  he  kan  watch,  and  sum  very  fast  yung  ones  amunget 
them. 

Th«  hum  buggs  don't  generally  live  a  grate  while  at  once, 
but  have  the  fackulty  ov  dicing  in  one  place,  and  being  sud- 
denly born  in  another. 

They  are  ov  awl  genders,  including  the  maskiiline,  feminine 
and  mitral,  and  kan  liv  and  grow  phatt  wliare  an  honest  bugg 
would  starve  to  death  begging. 


1SS  ANIMATED  XATUR. 

The  hum  l)Ugg  will  eat  enny  thing  that  they  kan  bite3  and 
rather  than  loose  a  good  meal  will  s waller  a  thing  whole. 

Every  one  sez  they  dispize  the  hum  bugg  and  yet  every 
boddy  iz  anxious  tew  make  their  acquaintance. 

They  hav  the  ontra  to  all  cirkles  ov  sosiety  without  knock- 
ing from  the  highest  tew  the  lowest,  and  tho  of  ten  kicked  out, 
are  welcumed  again  and  flattered  more  than  ever. 

The  hum  bugg  haz  more  friends  than  he  knows  what  to  do 
with,  but  he  manages  tew  giv  general  satisfakshun  by  cheat- 
ing the  whole  of  them. 

The  Bible  sez  "  the  grasshopper  iz  a  burden  " — and  i  be- 
lieve it —  but  i  think  the  hum  bugg  iz  the  heavy est  bug  ov 
the  two. 

But  the  world  kant  well  spare  the  hum  bugg  ;  take  them  all 
out  ov  the  world,  and  it  would  bother  even  an  honest  man  tew 
z'\t  a  living,  for  thare  doesn't  seem,  jist  now,  to  be  honesty 
enuff  on  hand  to  do  our  immense  dry  good  b^zzness  with. 

Honesty  iz  undoubtedly  the  best  policy  for  a  long  run,  but 
for  a  short  race,  hum  bugg  haz  made  sum  excellent  time. 

I  hav  been  bit  bad  bi  this  bugg  miself  several  times,  but 
not  twice  in  the  same  spot — i  follow  the  Skriptures  when  i 
am  whare  the  hum  bugg  is  plenty,  if  one  bites  me  on  one  cheek, 
i  turn  him  the  other  cheek  also,  but  i  don't  let  him  bite  the 
other  cheek  also. 

Thare  ain't  enny  boddy,  i  suppose,  who  acktually  pines  tew 
be  bit  by  this  selebrated  bugg.  they  only  luv  tew  see  how  near 
they  can  cum  tew  it  without  missing. 

Human  natur  iz  chuck  full  ov  curiosity,  curiosity  iz  jist 
what  hum  bugg  makes  menny  a  warm  meal  oph  ov. 

Sum  ov  theze  bugg  are  not  so  sharp  bitten  and  pizen  az 
others,  but  this  iz  not  so  mutch  owing  tew  their  disposislnm 
az  it  iz  tew  their  natur;  they  all  ov  them  bite  the  full 
length  ov  their  teeth. 

If  thare  iz  enny  boddy  who  hain't  never  been  bit  bi  a  hum 
bugg  yet,  he  must  be  sumboddy  who  has  always  staid  at  borne 
with  his  uncle,  and,  lived  on  bread  and  milk,  or  was  born 
numb  all  the  way  through,  and  couldn't  feel  any  kind  ov  a 
bite. 


THE  BUGG  BEAR. 

If  i  should  hear  a  man  brag  that  one  ov  these  bu 
bite  him,  I  should  set  him  down  at  once  for  a  man  who  wan't 
a  good  judge  ov  the  truth.  The  bite  of  a  hum  bugg  iz  wuss 
than  a  hornet's,  and  always  different  from  a  dog's,  for  the  dog 
growls,  and  then  bites,  but  the  hum  bugg  bites,  and  lets  you 
do  the  growling. 


THE  BUGG  BEAR. 

"VTATTIAL  History  has  its  myths  and  its  ghosts,  az  well  az 
-L 1  enny  boddy  else,  and  foremost  among  these  iz — the 
buggbear. 

The  bugg  bear  iz  born  from  an  imaginary  egg,  and  iz  hatch- 
ed by  an  imaginary  process. 

They  are  like  a  shadow  in  the  afternoon,  always  a  good 
deal  bigger  than  the' thing  that  casts  it. 

They  are  compozed  ov  two  entirely  different  animals,  the 
bugg  and  the  bear,  but  generally  turn  out  to  be  pretty  much 
all  bug. 

They  are  like  the  assetts  on  a  bankrupt  broker,  the  more 
you  examine  them,  the  smaller  they  grow. 

I  have  known  them  tew  cum  out  ov  a  hole  like  a  mice,  and 
grow  in  tew  minnits  az  big  az  an  elephant,  and  then  run  back 
agin  into  the  same  hole  they  cum  out  ov. 

They  are  like  a  young  wild  pigeon  in  their  habits,  the  big- 
gest when  they  are  first  born. 

They  are  common  to  all  countrys  and  all  peoples,  the  phil- 
osophers hav  seen  themaz  often  az  the  children  hav,  and  hen 
as  badly  ska  red  by  them. 

They  are  az  innocent  az  a  rag  doll,  but  are  az  full  ov  devil 
try  az  a  jack  lantern. 

Bugg  bears  are  az  plenty  in  this  world  az  pins  on  the  side 
walks,  but  noboddy  ever  sees  them  but  those  folks  who  are 
alwus  hunting  for  them. 


UK) 


ANIMATED  NAT  UK. 

THE  GAME  CHICKEN. 


LO,  and  behold  the  game  rooster  ! 
He  weighs  about  3  pounds  and  a  quarter,  more  or  less, 
and  iz  reddy  tew  file  for  a  kingdom.     He  stands  up  011  hiz 

feet  like  a  piece  ov 
ginger-root,  w  i  t  h 
each  feacher  fastened 
in  its  place. 

II  iz  eye  gleams  in 
its  socket  like  a  sol- 
taire  on  the  queen's 
linger. 

Iliz  head  iz  like 
the  snaiks  head,  and 
his  beak  shines  like 
the  point  ov  a  dag- 
ger. 

When  he  steps,  he 
steps  like  a  bunch 
ov  kat  gurt,  and  hiz 
crow  iz  like  the 
yung  injuns  fust 
whoop  on  the  war- 
path. Hiz  plumage 
gives  back  the  sun  shine  like  the  ruby  and  amethist,  and  hiz 
legs  are  all  golden. 

Hiz  gaffs  are  ov  burnt  steel,  and  hiz  tail  and  wing  feathers 
are  clipped  for  the  battle. 
Bring  oil  the  other  rooster. 


THE  GAME    CHICKEN, 


THE  DUK. 

Duk  iz  a  kind  ov  short  legged  hen. 
-L    When  cooked  they  are  very  good  means  ov  nourishment^ 
in  fakt,  it  will  do  to  call  roste  duk  and  apple  sass  eazy  tew 
contend  with. 


THE  DUK.  191 

The  duk  haz  a  big  foot  for  the  size  ov  their  boddy,  but 
their  foot  iz  not  the  right  kind  ov  a  foot  for  digging  in  the 
garden. 

Their  foot  iz  like  a  small  spider's  web,  only  more  substan- 
shul  bilt. 

They  are  amphipicuss,  and  kan  sale  on  the  water  az  natral 
and  eazy  az  a  grease  spot. 

They  kan  div  in  the  water  az  handy  az  a  bull  frog,  and 
never  git  water  soaked. 

Water  won't  stay  quiet  on  a  duk's  back  no  longer  than 
quicksilver  will  whare  it  iz  down  hill. 

Duks  hav  a  broad  bill  which  enables  them  tew  eat  their 
food  without  enny  spoon. 

They  are  more  profitable  tew  keep  than  a  hen,  bekauze 
they  kan  cat  so  mutch  faster. 

Duks  are  addikted  tew  a  wild  state  ov  natur,  but  civiliza- 
shun  haz  did  sumthing  handsum  for  dtiks,  and  made  them 
the  companyuns  ov  man  and  old  whnmin. 

Next  tew  her  grand  children,  an  old  woman  thinks  most 
ov  her  duks. 

The  duk  iz  a  good  hand  tew  raze  feathers,  which  groze 
all  over  their  person  simultanoiisly  without  enny  order. 

Thare  aint  any  room  on  the  outside  ov  a  duk  for  enny 
more  feathers. 

ji     They  shed  their  feathers  by  having  them  pulled  out,  and 
these  feathers  make  a  good,  tuff  bed 

A  duk's  feather  bed  iz  a  good  place  tew  raze  nite  mares  on. 

Men  often  call  their  wifes  their  "  dear  duks"  this  is  on 
ackount  ov  their  big  bills. 

The  duk  don't  kro  like  a  rooster,  but  quaks  like  a  duk. 

They  do  a  good  deal  ov  quacking  that  don't  amount  tew 
mutch. 

Sumtimes  doktors  are  called  quacks,  but  i  never  hav  bin 
told  win. 

The  duk  iz  not  the  most  profitable  bird  extant  for  vittles ; 
for,  when  yu  hav  got  oph  all  the  feathers,  and  pull  out  their 
stummuk,  thare  aint  enny  more  left  on  them,  than  thare  iz 
on  the  outside  ov  an  eg  shel. 


192  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

They  are  fust  rate  feeders,  and  alwus  hav  a  leetle  more 
appetight  left. 

Their  leggs  are  lokated  on  their  boddy  like  a  pair  ov  hind 
leggs,  and  i  hav  seen  them  eat  till  they  tipt  over  forwards. 

Duks  ought  to  hav  a  pair  ov  before  leggs,  and  then  they 
'.•ouldn't  eat  themselfs  oph  from  their  feet. 

Duks  la  egtrs,  but  don't  la  them  around  loose. 

OO    * 

Hunting  duks'  eggs  iz  a  mitey  cluss  transackshun. 

A  man  couldn't  earn  30  cents  a  day  and  board  himself, 
aunting  duks'  eggs. 

The  wild  duk  iz  a  game  bird,  and  are  shot  on  the  wing. 

They  kan  fli  next  faster  tew  a  wild  pigeon,  and  if  yu  aim 
right  at  them  on  the  wring,  yure  shot  will  hit  whare  the  wild 
duk  just  waz. 

I  hav  seen  akres  ov  them  git  up  oph  from  the  water  at 
once;  they  made  az  mutch  noize  az  the  breaking  up  ov  a 
kainp  meeting. 

I  hav  often  fired  into  them  with  a  dubble-barrelled  gun, 
when  they  waz  rizing,  with  both  mi  eyes  shut,  and  never 
injured  enny  duk,  az  i  kno  ov. 

I  always  waz  fust  rate  at  missing  wild  duks  on  the  move. 

Sumtimes  a  duk  gits  lame,  and,  when  they  do,  they  lay 
rite  down  and  giv  it  up. 

Thare  ain't  no  2  legged  thing  on  the  face  ov  this  earth  kan 
ontlimp  a  lame  duk. 

Yu  often  hear  the  term  "  lame  duk"  applied  tew  sum  men, 
and  perhaps  never  knu  what  it  ment. 

Studdy  natur,  and  yu  will  find  out  whare  all  the  truth  cums 
from. 


T 


THE   SANDY  HILL  CRANE. 
HE  crane  iz  neither  flesh,  beast,  nor  fowl,  but  a  sad  mixtur 


ov  all  theze  things. 


He  mopes  along  the  brinks  ov  kreeks  and  wet  places,  look- 
ing for  sumthing  he  haz  lost. 

He  haz  a  long  bill,  long  wings,  long  legs,  and  iz  long  all 
over. 


MOKE  SNAIKS.  193 

He  iz  born  ov  one  egg  and  goes  thru  life  az  lonesum  az  a 
lasts  year's  bird's  nest. 

He  livs  upon  lizzards  and  frogs,  and  picks  up  things  with 
hiz  bill  az  he  would  with  a  pair  ov  tongs. 

He  sleeps  standing  like  a  gide  board,  and  sumtimes  tips 
over  in  hiz  dreams,  and  then  hiz  bill  enters  the  ground  like  a 
pik  ax. 

When  he  flies  thru  the  the  air,  he  iz  az  graceful  az  a  wind 
mill,  broke  loose  from  its  fastenings. 

.    Cranes  are  not  very  plenty  in  this  world,  but  the  supply, 
up  tew  this  date,  just  about  equals  the  demand. 

The  crane  iz  not  a  good  bird  for  diet ;  the  meat  tastes  liko 
injun  rubber  stretched  tight  over  a  clothes  hoss. 

I  never  hav  et  enny  crane,  nor  don't  mean  to,  untill  all  the 
biled  owl  in  the  country  givs  out. 

I  kant  tell  what  the  Sandy  Hill  crane  waz  made  for,  and  it 
aint  none  ov  mi  bizzness — even  a  crane  from  Sandy  Hill  kan. 
fifi  hiz  destiny,  and  praize  God  loafing  along  the  banks  ov  a 
kreek  and  spearing  frogs  for  hiz  dinner. 

I  hav  spent  mutch  time  among  the  birds,  beasts,  and  fishes, 
and  expekt  tew  spend  more,  and  tho  i  couldn't  never  tell 
exackly  what  cumfort  a  musketo  waz  tew  the  bulk  ov  man- 
kind, or  what  kredit  he  waz  tew  himself,  i  am  forced  tew 
admit  that  enny  thing  so  perfektly  and  delikately  made  iz.  to 
say  the  least,  a  dredf  ul  smart  job. 

Cranes  are  very  long-lived,  and  are  az  free  from  guile  az  a  t 
bread  pill  iz. 

Cranes  seldom  git  shot.  Thare  iz  two  reazons  for  this ; 
one  iz,  they  alwus  keep  gitting  a  leetle  further  oph  ;  and  the 
other  iz,  thare  would  be  no  more  kredit  for  a  hunter  in  bringing 
a  ded  crane  home  for  game  than  thare  would  be  a  yeller  doir. 


MOKE  SNAIKS. 

THE    KATTLESNAIX. 

THE  rattlesnaik  iz  ov  a  dull  yaller  color,  from  four  to  six- 
feet  in  size,  ackordin  tew  length,  and  all  the  way  ov  a 


ANDiATED  XATUIl. 


The}'  hav  a  pizon  tooth,  and  a  dedly  natur. 

On  the  i'r.rllier  end  ov  their  boddy  they  hav  sum  loose  bones, 
which  they  kan  play  a  tune    upon,    which    makes    the   noi;:e 

from  which  they 
take  their  n  am  e 
from. 

Thare  i/.  onlv  one 
remidy  for  the  In'.*.:, 
ov  a  ratilesnaik  thai: 
I  kno  ov,  and  that 
iz  whisky. 

I  have  seen  a 
man  that  had  l.in  Lit 
bi  one,  diink  three 
quart;;  ov  whisky, 
and  be  sober  enuli 
all  the  time  tew  jine 
the  sons  ov  t  e  m- 


pnmse. 

I  hope  I  never 
shall  be  bit  bia  rat- 
1  1  es  n  a  i  x,  no!;  s<» 

I  1  U  '  d  1       Oil       a 


/   I 


S-s?y*  ;v --,,.-  V 

MORE     SNAIKS. 

ov    the    snaik    az   on    ackount  ov  tlie   whi^.y. 

I  think  three  quarts  ov  whiskey  in  n.i  peivon  at  onst  would 
keep  me  drunk  forevermore. 

The  grate  mortal  enemy  ov  the  snaiks  iz  the  hog. 

I  have  seen  a  woods  hog  take  after  a  rattkvnaix,  and  ketch 
him  in  running  50  yards,  and  with  3  rips  and  a  snatch,  tare 
mister  rattlesnaix  into  ribbons,  and  then  s\vallo  him  whole 
without  saying  grace. 

The  woods,  or  wild  hog,  iz  the  grate  snakes  eradikator. 
They  will  Ir.nit  for  them  like  a  setter  dog  for  a  woodkok,  and 
if  the  Biiaix  bight  them,  they  hav  a  way  ov  laying  down  in  ? 
mud  hole  and  soaking  the  pizon  all  out  ov  them. 

THE    HOOP    SNA  IK. 

This  remarkable  snaix  haz  a  fnnnv  wav  ov  takino1  their  tail 


MOKE  SNAIX.  105 

in  their  mouth  and  making  a  hoop  ov  themselfs.  They  kan 
travel  a  good  gait. 

Thare  iz  a  tradishun  that  the  end  ov  their  tale  iz  ov  bone, 
and  iz  filled  with  pizon,  ov  the  most  deadly  dimenshuns,  but 
I  think  this  iz  only  a  lie. 

Az  I  sed  before,  it  iz  so  natral  tew  lie  about  snaix  that  it 
z  a  great  wonder  to  me  that  they  don't  leave  this  world  en- 
tirely, and  take  up  their  abode  sumwhare  else,  whare  they  kan 
hav  a  fair  show. 

I  am  about  7  eights  ov  a  mind  tew  beleave  that  the  hoop 
snaix  iz  one  ov  P.  T.  Barnum  kind  ov  kritters,  that  yu  pay 
yure  money  tew  see  in  the  inenagarie,  and  then  take  yure 
chances. 

The  only  way  tew  git  at  the  truth  about  snaix  iz  to  believe 
all  yu  hear,  and  more  too. 

THE  ANAKONDY. 

The  anakondy  iz  the  grate  original  land  snaix,  365  feet  in 
length,  4:  feet  belowr  the  eyes,  19  feet  in  circumference,  and 
kan  swallow  an  ox  whole,  if  yu  will  saw  hiz  horns  off. 

They  kan  wind  themselfs  around  the  tallest  oaks  in  the 
forest,  and  tare  it  up  bi  the  roots,  and  lay  waist  a  whole  vil- 
lage in  their  wrath. 

The  anakondy  iz  a  resident  ov  the  tropikal  klirnates.  Jle 
would  freeze  up  solid  in  Vermont  the  fust  winter,  and  would 
be  kut  up  into  kord  wood  bi  the  natives. 

Anakondy  Avood,  i  should  think,  if  it  waz  green,  would 
make  a  lazy  fire. 

THE    GARTER    SNAIX. 

The  garter  snaik  derives  hiz  name  from  the  habit  he  haz 
ov  slipping  up  a  gentlemen's  leg,  and  tieing  himself  into  an 
artistik  bo  knot  about  hiz  stocking,  just  belo  the  knee. 

This  iz  more  ornamental  than  pleasant,  and  haz  been  known 
tew  result  in  the  deth  ov  the  snaix. 

I  kan  imagine  several  things  more  pleasant  than  a  live 
snaix  festooned  around  one  ov  mv  legs  ;  but  then  T  am  a  nei- 


106  ANIMATED   NATUR. 

vous  individual,  and  when  enny  thing  begins  tew  krawi  around 
on  me  promiskus,  I  am  too  apt  tew  inquire  into  suddenly. 

I  suppoze  thare  iz  plenty  ov  stoicks  would  Inv  tew  hav  a 
siiaix  do  this,  and  would  pat  him  on  the  hed,  and  chuck  him 
under  the  chin,  and  sich  like. 

I  giv  all  snaix  fair  notiss  that  they  kant  garter  me,  and  if 
1  couldn't  git  rid  of  them  enny  other  way,  I  would  dissever 
miself  from  the  leg,  and  stump  it  the  rest  ov  mi  daze. 

But  the  more  i  reflekt  upon  theze  things,  the  more  i  think 
the  garter  snaix  iz  a  mith — a  kind  of  inexplicable  thing,  indis-. 
kribabel,  full  ov  mistery,  and  iz  a  mere  typeorshaddo  ov  the 
old,  time-honored  garter  itself. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  dream-like  mist  and  wonderment 
in  the  garter. 

They  liv  in  poetry  and  song,  and  are  seldum  seen. 

THE   EEL    SXAIK. 

The  eel  snaix  iz  the  only  kind  that  iz  valuable  for  food. 

They  will  bight  a  hook  az  cheerfully  az  a  snapping  turtle. 
and  hang  on  like  a  puppy  tew  an  old  kowhide  boot. 

They  are  much  eazier  tew  git  onto  a  hook  than  to  git  oph, 
for  when  yu  draw  them  out  ov  the  water  they  will  tie  them- 
selfs  and  the  fish  line  into  more  than  7  hundred  dilemmas. 

I  had  just  az  leafs  take  a  bumbel  bee  oph  from  a  dandylion 
az  an  eel  off  from  a  hook. 

Fried  eels  are  sed  tew  be  good,  but  I  alwus  hav  tew  shut  at 
least  one  eye  when  I  eat  them. 

I  don't  know  az  an  eel  iz  the  same  az  a  snaix  exactlv,  but 

»/  / 

they  are  near  enuff  to  suit  me. 

THE    SEE    SABPENT    SNAIX. 

The  see  sarpent  snaik  beats  all  the  snaix  that  have  ever  put 
in  an  appearanse  yet. 

Thare  ain't  but  one  ov  them,  and  he  haz  only  been  seen  5 
times  az  yet. 

The  fust  time  he  was  seen  waz  off  Xahant,  on  the  Amerikan 
shore,  and  waz  seen  thare  twice  afterwards. 


MORE  SNA1X.  191 

fie  haz  been  seen  twice  at  Newport,  and  we  are  told  by  the 
knowing  ones,  that  he  certainly  may  be  expekted  thare  next 
season,  and  all  judicious  persons  are  urged  tew  engage  their 
rooms  at  the  hotels,  in  time  tew  witness  the  grate  moral 
show. 

This  snaix  iz  believed  bi  naturalists  tew  be  one  thousand 
feet  in  length,  with  a  head  on  him  az  big  az  a  two  story  log- 
hous. 

He  mezzures  one  hundred  feet  in  diameter,  and  iz  90  feet 
from  hiz  mouth  tew  the  baze  ov  hiz  fust  phin. 

He  haz  tew  rows  ov  teeth  in  his  upper  and  lower  jaws, 
each  tooth  being  three  foot  in  length,  and  requires  10  tons  ov 
fish  for  hiz  daily  support. 

He  coils  himself  about  the  largest  whale,  and  crushes  him 
tew  jelly,  in  about  15  minnitts. 

He  travels  between  the  coast  ov  Labrador  and  the  Gulph 
ov  Mexico,  and  kan  make,  aginst  a  hed  wind,  one  hundred 
and  thirty-six  nots  an  hour. 

The  crowned  heds  ov  Europe  would  giv  almost  ennything 
if  he  would  visit  their  shores,  but  he  iz  the  Grate  Amerikan 
Snaix,  and  don't  hav  tew  leave  home. 

THE   KOPPER-HED    SNAIX 

This  pison  kuss  iz  about  18  inches  long,  ov  a  dark  yello 
colour,  and  az  phull  ov  natral  venom  az  a  quart  ov  modern 
whiskey. 

They  live  on  the  side  hills  amung  the  rocks  and  stones,  and 
are  alwus  reddy  tew  bight  at  a  rniimitt's  notiss. 

They  are  the  meanest  snaix  that  meanders  for  a  living,  and 
thare  iz  pizen  enuff  in  one  ov  them  to  kill  oph  a  whole  tribe 
ov  border  injuns,  if  it  waz  judiciously  applied. 

I  have  killed  them  miself  in  the  month  ov  August  when 
they  waz  so  phull  ov  deadly  virus  that  it  would  makeyu  sea- 
sik  tew  look  at  them. 

I  kant  think  ov  a  meaner  deth  than  tew  be  bit  by  a  kopper- 
hcd  and  then  lay  down  and  die ;  it  iz  almost  az  unpleasant  ai 
beirg  Iring. 


198 


ANIMATED  NATUli. 


Snaix  dun  a  bad  job  for  man  in  the  gardin  or  Eden,  and 
win  they  are  still  allowed  tew  hang  around  this  world  iz  one 
ov  thoze  misterys  which  are  a  hard  job  for  an  unedukated 
man  like  me  tew  explain. 

I  abhor  a  snaix  ov  enny  kind,  but  when  they  hav  the  power 
ov  pizoning  a  fellow,  added  tew  their  ability  tew  skare  him 
into  Iks,  they  are  sublimely  pestiverous. 


THE  BLU  JAY  AND  OTHEES. 


THE    BLUJAY. 

THE  blujay  iz  the  dandy  amung  birds,  a  feathered  fop,  a 
jackanapes  by  natur,  and  ov  no  use  only  tew  steal  korn 

and  eat  it  on  a  rail. 
They  are  a  miste- 
rious  bird,  for  I  hav 
seen  them  solitary 
and  alone  in  the 
wooded  wilderness, 
one  hundred  miles 
from  enny  sighnsov 
civilizashun. 

Az  a  means  ov 
diet,  they  are  just 
about  az  luxurious  az 
a  biled  indigo  bag 
would  be,  such  az  the 
washwimmin  use 
tew  blue  their  clothes 
with. 

The  blujay  haz  no 
s  o  n  g — t  h  e  y  kant 
sing  even  "  From  Greenland's  Icy  Mountains ;"  but  i  must 
sa  that  a  flok  ov  them,  flying  amung  the  evergreens  on  a  kold 
winter's  morning,  are  hi  colored  and  eazy  tew  look  at. 


THE     BLUJAY. 


THE  BLU  JAY  AND  OTHERS.  100 

It  iz  hard  work  for  me  to  say  a  harsh  word  aginst  the  birds, 
but  wheii  i  write  their  history  it  iz  a  duty  i  owe  tew  posterity 
not  to  lie. 


The  quail  iz  a  game  bird,  about  one  size  bigger  than  the 
robin,  and  so  sudden  that  they  hum  when  they  fly. 

They  hav  no  song,  but  whissell  tor  musik  ;  the  tune  iz  soli- 
tary and  sad. 

They  are  shot  on  the  wing,  and  a  man  may  be  good  in 
arithraetick,  fust  rate  at  parseing,  and  even  be  able  tew  preach 
acceptably,  but  if  he  hain't  studdied  quail  on  the  wing,  ho 
might  az  well  shoot  at  a  streak  ov  lightning  in  the  sky  az  at 
a  quail  on  the  go. 

Briled  quail,  properly  supported  with  jellys,  toast,  and  a 
champane  Charlie,  iz  just  the  most  diffikult  thing,  in  mi  hum 
ble  opinyun,  to  beat  in  the  whole  history  ov  vittles  and  suin- 
thing  tew  drink. 

I  am  no  gourmand,  for  i  kan  eat  bred  and  milk  five  days 
out  ov  seven,  and  smak  mi  lips  after  i  git  thru,  but  if  i  am 
asked  to  eat  briled  quail  by  a  friend,  with  judishious  accom- 
panyments,  i  blush  at  fust,  then  bow  mi  lied,  and  then  smile 
sweet  acquiescence — in  other  words,  I  always  quail  before 
such  a  request. 

THE    PATRIDGK. 

The  patridge  iz  also  a  game  bird.  Their  game  iz  tew  drum 
on  a  log  in  the  spring  ov  the  year,  and  keep  both  eyes  open, 
watching  the  sportsmen. 

Patridges  are  shot  on  the  wing,  and  are  az  easy  to  miss  az 
a  ghost  iz. 

It  iz  phun  enuff  to  see  the  old  bird  hide  her  yung  brood 
when  danger  iz  near.  This  must  be  seen,  it  kant  be  des- 
cribed and  make  enny  boddy  beleave  it. 

The  patridge,  grouse,  and  pheasant  are  eousins,  and  either 
one  ov  them  straddle  a  gridiron  natural  enuif  tew  hav  bin 
born  thare. 


200  ANIMATED  NATUU. 

Take  a  couple  of  yung  patridges  and  pot  them  down,  and 
serve  up  with  the  right  kind  ov  a  chorus,  and  they  beat  the 
ham  sandwich  yu  buy  in  the  Camden  and  A  mboy  Railroad 
87  1-2  per  cent. 

I  have  eat  theze  lamentabel  £ui  Jersey  ham  sandwich,  and 
must  sa  that  i  prefer  a  couple  ov  bass  wood  chips,  soaked  in 
mustard  water,  and  stuk  together  with  Spalding's  glue. 

THE     WOODKOK. 

The  woodkok  iz  one  ov  them  kind  ov  birds  who  kan  git 
up  from  the  ground  with  about  az  much  whizz,  and  about  az 
bizzy  az  a  fire-kracker.  and  fly  away  az  krooked  az  a  kork- 
skrew. 

They  feed  on  low,  wet  lands,  and  only  eat  the  most  deli- 
kate  things. 

They  run  their  tungs  down  into  the  soft  earth,  and  gather 
tender  juices  and  tiny  phood 

They  hav  a  long,  slender  bill,  and  a  rich  brown  plumage, 
and  when  they  lite  on  the  ground  yu  lose  sight  ov  them  az 
quick  az  yu  do  ov  a  drop  ov  water  when  it  falls  into  a  mill 
pond. 

The  fust  thing  yu  generally  see  ov  a  woodkok  iz  a  whizz, 
and  the  last  thing  a  whurr. 

How  so  many  ov  them  are  killed  on  the  wing  iz  a  mistery 
to  me,  for  it  iz  a  quicker  job  than  snatching  pennys  oph  a 
red-hot  stove. . 

I  hav  shot  at  them  often,  but  i  never  heard  ov  my  killing 
one  ov  them  yet. 

They  are  one  ov  the  game  birds,  and  menny  good  judges 
think  they  are  the  most  elegant  vittles  that  wear  feathers. 

THE   GUINA   HEN. 

The  guina  hen  iz  a  spekled  kritter,  smaller  than  the  goose, 
and  bigger  than  the  wild  pigeon. 

They  hav  a  keen  eye,  and  a  red  kokade  on  their  heds,  and 
alwas  walk  on  the  run. 

They  lay  eggs  in  great  profushun,  but  they  lay  them  so 


THE  BLU  JAY  AND  OTHERS.  201 

much  on  the  sly,  that  they  often  kan't  find  them  thernselfs. 

They  are  az  freckled  az  a  coach  dog,  and  just  about  az  tuff 
tew  eat  az  a  half-biled  krow. 

They  hav  a  voic  like  a  piccallo  flute,  and  for  racket  two 
ov  them  kan  make  a  saw  that  iz  being  filed  ashamed  ov  itself. 

They  are  a  very  shy  bird,  and  the  nearer  yu  git  tew  them 
the  further  they  git  oph. 

They  are  more  ornamental  than  ueeful,  but  are  chiefly 
good  tew  frighten  away  hawks. 

They  will  see  a  hawk  up  in  the  sky  three  miles  and  a-half 
off,  and  will  begin  at  once  tew  holler  and  make  a  fuss  about  it. 

THE   GOSLIN. 

The  goslin  iz  the  old  goose's  yung  child.  They  are  yeller 
all  over,  and  az  soft  az  a  ball  ov  worsted.  Their  foot  iz 
wove  whole,  and  they  kan  swim  az  eazy  az  a  drop  of  kaster 
oil  on  the  water. 

They  are  born  annually  about  the  15th  ov  May,  and  never 
waz  known  tew  die  natually. 

If  a  man  should  tell  me  he  had  saw  a  goose  die  a  natral 
and  square  deth,  I  wouldn't  believe  him  under  oath  after 
that,  not  even  if  he  swore  he  had  lied  about  seeing  a  goose 
die. 

The  goose  are  different  in  one  respe'kt  from  the  human 
family,  who  are  sed  tew  grow  weaker  but  wizer ;  whereaz  a 
goslin  alwus  grows  tuffer  and  more  phoolish. 

I  hav  seen  a  goose  that  they  sed  waz  93  years  old  last  June, 
and  he  didn't  look  an  hour  older  than  one  that  waz  17. 

The  goslin  waddles  when  he  walks,  and  paddles  when  he 
swims,  but  never  dives,  like  a  duk,  out  ov  sight  in  the  water, 
but  only  changes  ends. 

The  food  ov  the  goslin  iz  rye,  corn,  oats,  and  barley,  sweet 
apples,  hasty  pudding,  and  biled  kabbage,  cooked  potatoze, 
raw  meat,  and  turnips,  stale  bred,  kold  hash,  and  the  buck- 
wheat kakes  that  are  left  over. 

They  ain't  so  partiklar  az  sum  pholks  what  they  eat,  and 
won't  git  mad  and  quit  if  they  kan't  hav  wet  toast  and  lam 
chops  every  morning  fur  breakfast. 


£02  ANIMATED  NATUR. 

If  i  waz  a  going  tew  keep  "boarder?,  i  wouldn't  want  enny 
better  feeders  than  an  old  she  goose  and  12  goslins.  If  i 
koukln't  suit  them  i  should  konklnde  i  had  mistaken  mi 
kail  ing. 

Roast  goslin  iz  good  nourishment,  if  you  kan  git  ennff  ov 
it,  but  thare  aint  much  waste  meat  on  a  goslin,  after  yu  hav 
got  rid  ov  their  feathers,  and  dug  them  out  inside. 

I  hav  alwus  notissd,  when  yu  pass  yure  plate  np  for  sum 
more  baked  goslin,  at  a  hotel,  the  colored  brother  cums  bak 
empty  with  plate,  and  tells  yu,  "  Mister,  the  roast  goslin  iz 
no  more." 


SMALL-SIZED  VEKMIK 


THE    GETJB. 

grub  iz  all  the  fashionabel  kullers  except  checkered, 
-L  i  never  have  saw  a  checkered  grub  so  far. 

I  would  giv  ten  cents  tew  see  a  checkered  grub. 

The  grub  (that  i  am  talking  about)  boards  in  old  rotten 
logs,  and  dekayed  stumps,  and  grubs  for  a  living. 

They  are  about  one  intch  in  size,  and  are  bilt  like  a  skrew. 

They  look  for  all  the  world  like  a  short  strip  ov  phatt  pork. 

They  enter  rotten  wood,  like  an  intch  skrew,  pursewed  bi 
a  skrew-driver." 

They  are  very  mutch  retired  in  their  habits,  and  are  az  free 
from  anger  az  a  tudstool. 

Sum  pholks  kant  see  enny  immny  in  a  grub,  but  i  kan. 

I  hav  eh  opt  them  out  ov  an  old  stump,  the  further  end  ov 
April,  and  then  put  them  onto  a  hook,  and  krept  down  be- 
hind a  bunch  of  willows,  in  the  meadow,  and  dropt  them, 
kind  a  natral,  into  the  swift  water,  and  in  less  than  forty 
seckonds  hav  jerked  out  ov  the  silvery  flood  twelve  ounces  ov 
trout,  and  while  lie  turned  purple,  and  gold  summersetts  on 
the  grass,  i  hav  had  mi  harte  swell  up  in  me,  like  a  halleluyer 


SMALL-SIZED  VERMIN. 


203 


1  had  rather  ketch  a  trout  in  this  way  than  te\v  be  presi- 
dent ov  the  United  States  for  the  same  length  ov  time. 

Thare  may  not  be  az  mutch  ambishun  in  it,  but  thare  iz 
a  glory  in  it,  az  kra- 
zy,  and   az  safe,  az 
soda  water. 

It  don't  take 
mutch  tew  make  me 
happy,  but  it  will 
take  more  munny 
than  enny  man  on 
this  futtstool,  haz 
got,  tew  buy  out  the 
little  stock  I  alwuss 
keep  on  hand. 

THE    LADY   BUG. 

The  lady  bug  iz 
the  most  genteel 
vermin  in  market. 

They  are  spotted 
red  and  blak  for  col-  VKRMIX. 

or,  are  about  the  size  ov  a  double  B  shot,  and  don't  look  un- 
like a  drop  ov  red  sealing  wax. 

They  hang  around  gardens  in  the  spring  ov  the  year,  and 
are  wuss,  and  quicker,  on  kukumber  vines,  than  a  distrikt 
skoohnaster  iz  on  a  kittle  ov  warm  pork  and  beans. 

The  lady  bug  iz  the  pet  ov  little  children,  who  ketch  them 
in  their  hands  and  then  sing  to  them  the  old  nursery  rime  • 

*'  Lady  bug,  lady  bug,  fly  away  home, 

Your  house  is  on  fire,  and  your  children  will  roam.' 

Let  them  go,  and  sure  enough  the  lady  bug  duz  put  fo» 
home  in  a  grate  hurry. 

The  lady  bug  iz  probably  useful,  but  "Webster's  unabridged 
dont  tell  us  for  what. 

Whenever  i  cum  akros  enny  bug,  that  i  dont  know  what 
they  waz  built  for,  i  dont  blame  the  bug. 


204  ANIMATED  NAT UR. 

I  liav  grate  phaith  in  enny thing  that  kreeps,  krawls,  or  even 
wi"«>-les,  and  tho  i  haint  been  able  tew  satisfy  miself  all  about 

C^t?          ' 

the  usefulness  ov  bed  bugs,  musketoze,  and  striped  bnaix,  i 
hav  phaith  that  Divine  Providence  did  not  make  them  in  vain. 
Phaith  iz  knolledge  ov  the  highest  order. 

THE    TREE-TUB. 

Did  you  ever  see  a  tree-tud,  mi  Christian  friends  \  If  yu 
didn't,  cum  with  me  next  July,  and  i  will  sho  yu  one. 

Morrally  konsidered,  they  are  like  enny  other  tud,  physi- 
kally  they  aint. 

They  are  about  the  size  ov  an  old-fashioned  25  cent  piece, 
a  hed  on  one  side  ov  them,  and  a  tail  on  the  other. 

They  are  the  only  tuds  that  kan  klimb  with,  enny  degree 
of  alakrity,  and  are  the  only  ones  that  kan  sing  like  a  tea- 
kittle  when  she  is  cooking  water. 

Tree-tuds,  when  they  are  on  a  tree,  or  on  the  top  rale  ov  a 
phence,  hav  the  faculty  ov  disguising  their  personal  looks, 
and  appearing  exactly  like  the  spot  where  they  set. 

I  have  often  put  mi  hand  on  them  in  getting  over  a  phence. 
They  wont  bight  nor  jaw  back,  but  they  feal  az  raw  and  kold 
az  the  yelk  ov  an  egg. 

The  tree-tud  livs  upon  flies  and  sitch  like  vittles,  but  if  they 
dont  git  enny  thing  tew  eat,  they  dont  strike  for  higher  wages. 

A  tree-tud  will  liv  all  summer  on  a  south  wind,  with  an 
ockashional  drop  ov  dew  to  wet  hiz  song. 

They  kan  outdiet  any  bug  or  jumping  thing  i  kno  ov. 


THE    POKKUPINE. 


The  porkupine  iz  a  kind  ov  thorny  woodchuck. 

They  are  bigger  than  a  rat,  and  smaller  than  a  calf. 

They  liv  in  the  ground,  and  are  az  prikly  all  over  az  a 
chesnutt  burr,  or  a  case  ov  the  hives. 

It  iz  sed  that  they  hav  the  power  ov  throwing  their  prickers 
like  a  javelin,  but  this  iz  a  smart  falshood. 

An  old  dog  wont  tutch  a  porkupine  enny  quicker  than  he 


SMALL-SIZLD  VERMIN.  205 

would  a  phi  re  brand,  but  yung  dogs  pitch  into  them  like  ur- 
chins into  a  sugar  hogshed. 

The  konsequentz  ov  this  iz  they  git  their  mouths  philled 
with  prickers,  which  are  bearded,  and  kant  bak  out. 

A  porkupine's  quill  vrhen  it  enters  goes  klean  thru  and 
cums  out  on  the  other  side  ov  things.  This  iz  a  way  they 
hav  got. 

The  purkupine  iz  not  bad  vittles,  their  meat  tastes  like  pork 
and  ber.ii3  with  the  beans  left  out. 

They  hav  a  cute  way  ov  stealing  apples  known  only  to  a  phew. 

1  hav  seen  them  run  under  an  apple  tree,  and  rolling  over 
on  the  fruit  which  had  fallen  from  the  tree,  carry  oph  on  their 
prickers  a  dozen  ov  them. 

I  hav  often  told  this  story  to  people,  but  never  got  enny 
tew  beleave  it  yet. 

Porkupines  hav  got  a  destiny  tew  phill ,  it  may  be  only  a 
hole  in  the  ground,  but  they  kan  phill  that  az  phull  az  it  will 
hold. 

DEVIL'S    DARNING    NEEDLE 

This  floating  animal  iz  a  fly  about  twenty  times  az  big  az  a 
hornet,  with  a  pair  ov  wings  on  him  az  mutch  out  ov  pro- 
porshun  tew  hiz  boddy  az  a  pair  ov  oars  are  to  a  shell  boat. 

They  hang  around  mill  ponds  in  hot  weather,  and  when  i 
waz  a  boy  if  one  ov  them  cum  and  sot  on  the  further  end  ov 
the  log  whare  i  waz  a  setting  i  alwus  aroze  and  gave  him  the 
whole  of  the  log. 

They  hav  a  boddy  like  a  piece  ov  wire,  sharp  at  the  end,  and 
look  az  tho  they  mite  sting  a  phello  cheerfully,  but  i  beleave 
there  iz  no  more  sting  in  them  than  thare  iz  in  kold  water. 

All  children  are  afrade  ov  them,  and  i  kno  ov  one  man 
now  who  had  rather  enkountcr  a  wild  kat  (provided  the  kut 
waz  up  in  the  top  ov  a  tree  and  likely  to  stay  thare)  than  tew 
intersect  a  devil's  darning  needle. 

They  derive  their  name  from  the  shape  ov  their  boddys 
and  their  devilish  appearance  generally.  (See  AVebster'i 
unabridged  on  this  subjekt. 


EAMRODS. 

higher  up  we  git,  the  more  we  are  watched — theroos 
-L  ter  on  the  top  ov  the  church-steeple,  is  ov  more  impor 
tance,  altho'  he  is  tin,  than  two  roosters  in  a  barn-yard. 

If  men  are  honest  they  will  tell  yu  that  their  suckcess  in 
life  iz  more  ov  a  wonder  tew  them,  than  it  iz  to  you. 

Take  all  the  pride  out  ov  this  world,  and  mankind  would 
be  like  a  bob-tailed  pekok,  anxious  to  hide  under  sumbody's 
barn. 

I  think  the  heft   ov   people   take   az   mutch    comfort   in 
bragging  ov  their  misfortunes,  az  they  do  ov  their  good  Ink. 
Call  a  man  a  thief,  and  yu  license  him  tew  steal. 
A  sekret  ceases  tew  be  a  sekret  if  it  iz  once  confided — it  iz 
like  a  dollar  bill,  once  broken,  it  iz  never  a  dollar  agin. 

All  fights,  tew  produce  enny  moral  advantage,  should  end 
it  viktory  tew  one  side,  or  the  other.  Yu  will  alwus  see  dorgs 
renew  a  drawn  battle,  every  time  they  meet. 

Thare  iz  a  grafe  difference  between  holding  a  hi  offiss,  or 
having  a  hi  offis  hold  us. 

If  a  man  iz  full  ov  himself,  don't  tap  him,  but  rather  plugg 
him  up,  and  let  him  choke  tew  deth  or  bust. 

Laws  are  not  made  out  ov  justiss,  they  are  made  out  o\ 
necessity. 

The  man  who  kant  find  enny  virtew  in  the  human  heart 
haz  probably  given  us  a  faithful  sinopsiss  ov  his  own. 

I  don't  think  that  Fortune   haz  got  enny  favourites,  she 

206 


K  AM  RODS. 


2U7 


was  born  blind,  and  i  notis  them  who  win  the  oftenest,  go  it 
blind,  too. 

It  iz  a  safer  thing  enny  time,  to  follow  a  man's  advice,  than 
hiz  example. 

The  heart  is  wife  ov  the  head,  and  we,  (who  hav  tried  it), 
all  kno  how  purswa- 
siv  the  wife  iz — espe- 
shily  when  she  wants 
sumthing. 

I  konsider  a  weak 
man  more  dangerous 
than  a  malishus  one, 
malishus  men  hav 
sum  karacter,  but 
weak  ones  don't  have 
enny. 

I  hav  notissed  one 
thing,  that  the  most 
virtewous  and  dis- 
kreet  folks  we  hav 
amungst  us,  are  thoze 
who  hav  either  no 
pashuns  all,  or  verry 
tame  ones — it  iz  a 
grate  deal  eazier  tew  be  a  good  dove,  than  a  decent  sarpent. 

The  man  who  takes  a  dollar  iz  a  thief,  but  if  he  steals  a 
millyun  he  iz  a  genius. 

Virtew  haz  no  pride  in  it,  nor  sin  enny  humility. 

Owls  are  grave,  not  on  account  ov  their  wisdom,  but  on  ac- 
count ov  their  gravity. 

He  who  duz  a  good  thing  sekretly,  steals  a  march  on  hea- 
ven. 

Hunting  after  health,  iz  like  hunting  after  fleas,  the  more 
yu  hunt  them,  the  more  the  flea. 

Take  the  selllishness  out  ov  this  world,  and  thare  would  bo 
more  happeness  than  we  should  kno  what  to  do  with. 

\Vhcn  a  man  gits  so  reduced  that  he  kant  help  ennyboddy 


208  AFFLKISMS. 

else,  then  we  vote  him  a  pension  for  the  rest  ov  his  days,  by 
calling  him  a  "poor  devil." 

Thare  seems  to  be  affektashun  in  every  thing,  even  sin  has 
its  impostors. 

It  is  a  fakt  (known  to  us  doktors)  that  yu  kan  ketch  the  lit- 
tle pox  ov  a  man  before  it  brakes  out  on  him  eazier  than  yu 
kan  after  it  haz  broke  out.  Tis  thus  with  wickedness ;  the 
openly  so  are  less  dangerous  than  thoze  who  hav  it  under  the 
skin. 

When  we  are  more  anxus  tew  pleaze  than  tew  be  pleazed, 
then  we  are  in  love  in  good  arnest. 

If  a  man  iz  happy,  he  kan  afford  to  be  poor  and  neglekted. 

Thare  iz  nothing  we  brag  ov  more  tlian  our  honesty,  and 
we  all  ov  us  kno  that  our  honesty  iz  az  mutch  the  etfekt  ov 
interest  az  principle. 

It  don't  show  good  judgment  to  be  surprized  at  enny thing 
in  this  world,  for  thare  is  nothing  more  certain  than  uncer- 
tainty. 

Every  human  physikal  lump  on  the  face  ov  this  earth  iz 
susceptible  tew  flattery  ;  sum  yu  kau  daub  it  on  with  a  white- 
wash brush,  while  others  must  hav  it  sprinkled  on  them,  like 
the  dew  from  flowers. 

Every  man  haz  a  perf ekt  right  tew  hiz  opinyun,  provided 
it  agrees  with  ours. 

Thare  iz  no  sich  thing  az  being  proud  before  man  and  hum 
We  before  God. 

Our  continual  desire  for  praise  ought  tew  satisfy  us  ov  our 
mortality,  if  nothing  else  will. 

Confession  iz  not  the  whole  ov  repentance,  butitiz  the  butt 
end  ov  it. 

If  virtu  did  not  so  often  manage  tew  make  herself  repulsive, 
vice  would  not  behalf  so  attraktive. 

Cunning  iz  not  an  evidence  ov  wisdom,  but  iz  prima  facie 
evidence  ov  the  want  of  it.  If  we  were  \vize  enutf  tew  ketch 
a  fox  In  argument,  we  shouldn't  hav  to  set  a  trap  for  him. 

Prosperity  makes  us  all  honest. 

Love  iz  a  child  ov  the  heart;  and  it  iz  lucky  if  the  head  iz 
the  father  ov  it 


LOBSTIR  SALLAD.  209 

A  coquette  in  love  iz  az  silly  az  a  mouse  in  a  wire-trap;  he 
don't  seem  tew  kno  exackly  how  he  got  in,  nor  exackly  how 
he  iz  going  to  get  out. 

Every  man  thinks  hiz  nabor  happier  than  he  iz,  but  if  he 
swops  places  with  him  he  will  want  tew  trade  back  next  morn- 
ing. 

Everyboddy's  friend  should  be  noboddy's  confidant. 

Love  iz  like  the  meazles;  we  kant  have  it  bad  but  onst,  and 
the  latter  in  life  we  hav  it  the  tuffer  it  goes  with  us. 

Thare  is  nothing  so  easy  to  larn  az  experience,  and  nothing 
so  hard  to  apply. 

Thare  ain't  but  phew  men  who  kan  stick  a  white  hanker- 
chef  into  the  brest  pocket  ov  their  overcoat  without  letting  a 
little  ov  it  stick  out — just  bi  acksident. 


LOBSTIE  SALLAD. 

A  SLANDER  iz  like  a  hornet,  if  yu  kant  kill  it  dead  the 
fust  bio,  yu  better  not  strike  at  it. 

Politeness  iz  a  shrewd  way  folks  haz  ov  flattering  themselfs. 

I  make  this  distinkshun  between  character  and  reputashun 
— reputashun  iz  what  the  world  thinks  ov  us,  charakter  iz 
what  the  world  knows  ov  us. 

What  a  ridikilus  farce  it  iz  to  be  continually  on  the  hunt 
for  peace  and  quiet. 

No  man  ever  yet,  increased  hiz  reputashun  bi  contradikting 
lies. 

Anxiety  alwus  steps  on  itself. 

Silence,  like  darkness,  iz  generally  safe. 

Thare  iz  only  two  things  that  i  kno  ov  that  a  man  wont 
brag  ov,  one  iz  lieing,  and  tuther  iz  jealousy. 

It  takes  branes  tew  make  a  smart  man,  but  good  lack 
often  makes  a  famous  one. 

Opiriyuns  are  like  other  vegetables,  worth  just  what  they 
will  fetch. 


210  AFFURISMS. 

I  think  most  men  had  rather  be  charged  with  malice  than 
with  making  a  blunder. 

Love  cuts  up  all  sorts  ov  monkey  shines,  it  makes  a 
fool  sober,  and  a  wize  man  frisky. 

I  don't  beleave  in  total  depravity,  every  manhaz  sumthing 
in  him  to  show  that  God  made  him. 

I  suppoze  that  one  reazon  whi  the  "  road  to  ruin"  iz  broad, 
iz  tew  accomadate  the  grate  amount  ov  travel  in  that  direkshun. 

I  think  i  had  rather  hear  a  man  brag  about  himself,  than 
tew  hear  him  brag  all  the  time  ov  sum  one  else — for  i  think  i 
like  vanity  a  leetle  better  than  i  do  sickofansy. 

A  humbug  iz  like  a  bladder,  good  for  nothing  till  it  iz 
blowed  up,  and  then  ain't  good  for  nothing  after  it  iz  pricked. 

A  bigg  noze  iz  sed  tew  be  a  sighn  ov  genius — if  a  man's 
genius  lays  in  hiz  noze,  i  should  say  the  sign  waz  a  good  one. 

Vanity  iz  seldom  malishous. 

A  woman  (like  an  echo),  will  hav  the  last  word. 

Put  an  Englishman  into  the  garden  of  Eden,  and  he  would 
find  fault  with  the  whole  blassted  consarn — put  a  Yankee  in, 
and  he  would  see  whare  he  could  alter  it  to  advantage — put 
an  Irishman  in,  and  he  would  want  tew  boss  the  thing — put 
a  Dutchman  in,  and  he  would  proceed  at  once  to  plant  it. 

"When  a  man  is  squandering  hiz  estate,  even  those  who  are 
getting  it,  call  him  a  phool. 

Men  mourn  for  what  they  hav  lost — wimmin,  for  what 
they  hain't  got. 

1  judge  ov  a  man's  virtew  entirely  bi  his  phashions — it  iz 
a  grate  deal  cazier  tew  be  a  good  dove,  than  a  decent  sarpent. 

Thare  are  menny  ways  to  find  out  how  brave  and  how 
honest  a  man  may  be,  but  thare  aint  no  way  to  find  out  the 
extent  ov  hiz  vanity. 

A  lie  iz  like  a  cat,  it  never  cums  to  yu  in  a  straight  line. 

Jsatnr  iz  a  kind  mother.  She  couldn't  well  afford  to  make 
us  perfekt,  and  so  she  made  us  blind  to  our  failings. 

Stnddy  the  heart  if  yu  want  to  learn  human  natur;  there 
ain't  no  human  natur  in  a  man's  head. 

Friendship  iz  simply  the  gallantry  of  self  interest. 


MOLLASSIS  KANDY.  211 

Beware  ov  the  man  with  half-s-hut  eyes — he  ain'l  dreaming. 

Experience  makes  more  timid  men  than  it  duz  wise  ones. 

Advice  iz  a  drug  in  the  market;  the  supply  ahvus  exceeds 
the  demand. 

One  ov  the  safest  and  most  successful  tallents  I  kno  ov  iz  to 
be  a  good  listener. 

Fools  are  the  whet-stones  ov  society. 

Better  make  a  weak  man  yoar  enemy  than  your  friend. 

Curiosity  iz  the  instinct  ov  wisdum. 

Thoze  who  becum  disgusted,  and  withdraw  from  the  world, 
fciusn't  forgit  one  thing,  that  the  world  will  forgit  them,  a 
long  time  before  they  will  forgit  tho  world. 

Put  riiaii  down  (for  me)  az  a  vain  and  selfish  critter,  all  hiz 
talk  and  ackshuns  to  the  contrary,  notwithstanding,  never- 
theless, to  wit,  verily,  amen. 

Wize  men  laff  every  good  chance  they  kan  git.  Laffiing 
\it  only  a  weakness  in  phools. 

I  giv  the  world  credit  for  a  grate  deal  more  honesty  than 
it  can  show. 

Whenever  i  find  a  real  handsum  woman  engaged  in  tlm 
"  wiminlns'  rights  bizzness,"  then  i  am  going  to  take  mi  hat 
under  mi  arm  and  jine  the  procession. 

Gratitude  iz  a  debt,  and  like  all  other  debts  is  paid  bekauzc; 
we  are  obliged  to,  not  bekauze  we  love  to. 

Praize  that  ain't  deserved  iz  no  better  than  slander. 

There  iz  three  kinds  of  phools  in  this  world,  the  natural 
ones  the  common,  every  day  phool,  and  the  daghm  phool. 


MOLLASSIS  KANDY 

iz  a  grate  deal  ov  humin  natur  in  a  stik  of  mollas- 
JLsis  kandy,  I  judge  this,  bekauze  mi  little  grandson  iz  al- 
wus  reddy  tew  invest  hiz  only  penny  in  it. 

I  don't  kno  az  i  want  tew  bet  enny  money,  and  giv  odds, 
on  the  man,  who  iz  alwus  anxious  tew  pray  out  loud,  every 
chance  he  kan  git. 


212 


AFFURISMS. 


Praze  and  abuse,  are  both  good  in  their  place,  but  if  Ikaii't 
hav  but  one,  give  me  the  abuse. 

Nine  men,  out  ov  every   10,  that  yu  meet  in  New  York 

City,  are  in  a  grate 
hurry,  and  are  either 
mad,  petulant,  or 
s.issy,  and  the  reazon 
iz  they  are  all  ov 
them  in  pursuit  ov 
mininy,  and  only  one 
o:it  ov  10  gits  it. 

Next  tew  the  man 
who  iz  wuth  a  mill- 
yun,  in  point  ov 
•.verJth,  iz  the  man, 
who  don't  kare  a 
l.uss  for  it. 

A  reputashun  for 
L.ippiness  needs  az 
in u tch  watching  az 
;i  reputashun  for 
honesty. 

When  yu  strike  ile, 
stop  boring,  menny  a  man  has  bored  klean  thru,  and  let  all 
the  ile  run  out  at  the  bottom. 

I  hav  spent  a  large  porshun  ov  mi  life  in  hopeing,  and 
praying  that  every  boddy  mite  be  suckcessful,  and  happy, 
and  i  intend  tew  spend  a  grate  deal  more  time  in  the  same 
bizzness,  but  i  am  satisfied  that  the  philosophy  ov  the  whole 
thing  iz  kontained  in  this  passage,  "  the  devil  take  the  hind- 
most" 

Success  don't  konsist  in  never  making  blunders,  but  in 
never  making  the  same  one  the  seckond  time. 

He  who  trusts  tew  luck  for  his  happiness,  will  be  lucky 
when  he  gits  it- 
While  we  are  poor,  the  necessarys  ov  life  are  the  luxurys, 
after  we  git  ritch,  the  luxurys  are  the  necessarys. 


MOLLASSIS    KANDY. 


MQLLA86IS  KANDY.  213 

Tbare  is  no  such  thing  az  gitting  tew  the  top  ov  the  lad- 
der in  this  world,  if  we  reach  the  utmost  round;  then  we 
mourn  bekauze  the  ladder  aint  longer. 

Death  iz  an  arrow,  shot  into  a  crowd,  the  only  reazon  win 
it  hit  another,  iz  bekauze  it  missed  us. 

When  a  man  duz  a  good  turn,  just  for  the  phun  ov  the  ththg, 
he  haz  got  a  grate  deal  more  virtew  in  him,  than  he  iz  aware 
ov. 

The  man  who  haz  got  a  mote  in  biz  eye,  kan  alwus  see  a 
big  beam  in  hiz  brothers. 

Az  a  genral  thing,  we  envy  in  others,  not  what  we  aint 
got,  but  what  we  hav  got  less  than  others. 

The  only  thing  about  a  man  that  sin  haz  not,  and  kan  not 
pervert,  iz  hiz  conshience. 

Dissatisfackshun  with  everything  we  cum  akrost  iz  the  re- 
sult ov  being  dissatisfied  with  ourself  s. 

Just  edzakly  in  proporshun  that  a  man  undertakes  tew 
make  a  reputashun  bi  hiz  personal  appearance,  just  in  that  pro- 
porshun, he  iz  a  dead  beat. 

Early  genius  iz  like  early  cabbage,  don't  head  well. 

It  iz  a  grate  deal  more  eazier  tew  drop  down  10  feet  on  a 
ladder,  than  it  iz  tew  highst  up  5 ;  i  found  this  out  more  than 
7  years  ago. 

Menny  a  man  haz  lost  a  good  posishun  in  this  world,  bi  le* 
ting  go,  tew  spit  on  hiz  hands. 
-  Go  up  hill  as  fast  az  you  pleaze,  but  go  down  hill  slo. 

About  all  that  iz  left  for  an  old  man  in  this  world,  iz  an 
obituary  notiss. 

Sedate  yung  men  make  imbecile  old  ones. 

I  think  yung  coxcombs,  end  their  lives,  az  old  slovens. 

The  man  who  iz  alwus  bragging  ov  hiz  wife  in  publik,  duz 
it  more  out  of  pride  of  himself,  than  love  for  her. 

If  a  man  haz  got  80  thousand  dollars  at  interest,  and  owns 
the  house  he  livsin,  it  aint  mutch  trouble  to  be  a  philosopher. 

The  most  that  experience  seems  tew  do  for  us,  iz  tew  sho 
us,  what  kussid  phools  every  boddy  but  we,  hav  made  ov 
theinselfs 


214  AFFUHISMS 

Whiskey,  and  onions  combined,  are  good  for  a  bad  breth. 

The  hardest  man  in  this  world  tew  cheat,  iz  the  man  who 
iz  alwus  honest  with  himself. 

1  look  upon  molassis  az  one  ov  our  greatest  blessings,  it 
haz  dun  so  mutch  tew  sweeten  life. 

Life  ain't  long  enuff  for  enny  man  tew  kno  himself. 

Yirtew  don't  konsist  in  the  absence  ov  the  pashuns,  but  in 
the  control  ov  them ; —  a  man  without  enny  pashuns  iz  sim- 
ply az  virtewous  az  a  graven  image. 

One  ov  the  best  temporary  reliefs  for  vanity,  that  i  kno  ov, 
iz  a  sharp  tutch  ov  the  billyus  kolick. 

Sharpers  are  like  hornets,  intimate  on  a  short  acquaint- 
ance. 

Don't  forget  one  thing  yung  man,  thare  iz  a  thousand  peo- 
ple in  this  world  who  kan  hurt  yu,  to  one  that  kan  help  yu. 

Thare  iz  no  accomplishment  so  eazy  tew  acquire  az  polite- 
ness, and  none  more  profitable. 

Thare  would  be  a  grate  supply  ov  wit  and  humor  in  this 
world,  if  we  would  only  giv  others  the  same  credit  for  being 
witty  that  we  claim  for  ourselfs. 

Thare  are  a  grate  menny  excuses  that  are  wuss  than  the 
offence. 

Be  humble,  and  yu  are  sure  tew  be  thankful, — be  thank- 
ful, and  yu  are  sure  tew  be  happy. 

He  who  shows  us  all  hiz  wickedness,  is  not  a  very  danger- 
ous man. 

Thare  iz  no  better  evidence  ov  a  weak  mind,  than  tew  be 
alwus  in  a  hurry. 

Pride,  and  avarice,  iz  a  most  whimsikal  inixtur. 

A  man  whom  yu  kan  trust  with  a  sekret,  yu  kan  trust  with 
ennything. 

Common  sense  is  the  favorite  daughter  of  Reason,  and 
altho  thare  are  menny  other  wirnmin  more  attraktive  for  a 
time,  thare  iz  nothing  but  death  kan  rob  common  sense  ov 
her  buty. 

Opinions  should  be  formed  with  grate  causlmn,  and  chang- 
ed with  grater. 


PUDDIN  AND  MILK.  215 

The  only  thing  that  a  human  being  is  positively  certain  ov, 
iz  death. 

Silence  iz  one  ov  the  hardest  arguments  to  refute. 


PUDDIN  AND  MILK. 

LOYE  iz  sed  tew  be  blind,  but  I  kno  lots  ov  phellows  in 
love  who  kan  see  twice  az  much  in  their  galls  az  i  kan. 

The  miser  iz  a  riddle.  What  he  possesses  he  haint  got,  and 
what  he  leaves  behind  him  he  never  had. 

Good  phisick  iz  like  a  fiddle,  it  furnishes  the  tune,  while 
natur  cuts  the  pigeon  wing  and  cures  the  patient. 

Caution,  tho  very  often  wasted,  iz  a  good  risk  to  take. 

Pity  iz  about  the  meanest  wash  that  one  man  kan  offer  an» 
other,  i  had  rather  hav  a  10  dollar  greenback  that  had  been 
torn  in  two  twice  and  pasted  together,  than  tew  have  all 
the  pity  thare  iz  on  the  upper  side  ov  the  earth— pity  iz 
nothing  more  than  a  quiet  satisfackshun  that  i  am  a  great 
deal  better  oph  than  yu  am,  and  that  I  intend  to  keep  so. 

Fortune  iz  like  a  coquette,  if  you  dont  run  after  her  she 
will  run  after  you. 

Did  you  ever  hear  a  very  ritch  man  sing  ? 

If  i  was  a  going  to  paint  apikter  of  Faith,  Affection  and  Hon- 
esty, i  w*uld  paint  mi  dog  looking  up  in  mi  face  and  waggin 
his  tail. 

The  devil  iz  a  mean  kuss ;  he  never  keeps  hiz  own  prom- 
ises, but  alwus  makes  us  keep  ours. 

Truth  iz  az  artless  az  a  child,  and  as  purswasive. 

There  iz  nothing  in  this  life  that  men  pay  so  hi  a  price 
for  az  they  do  for  repentance. 

Laws  are  made,  customs  grow — laws  hav  tew  be  executed, 
customs  execute  themselves — laws  begin  where  customs  end. 

Men  who  hav  a  good  deal  tew  say,  use  the  fewest  words. 

Punning  iz  nothing  more  than  mimickry,  the  best  punster 
now  living  iz  a  monkey ;  he  makes  a  pun  on  a  louse  forty 
times  a  day  bi  skratching  hiz  head. 


216  AFFURISMS. 

The  road  tew  wealth  iz  a  highway,  but  the  road  tewknowl 
edge  iz  a  bye  way. 

Shame  iz  the  dicing  embers  of  virtew. 

I  don't  know  ov  a  better  kure  for  sorrow  than  tew  pity 
sum  boddy  else. 

Experience  iz  a  grindstun,  and  it  iz  lucky  for  us  if  we  kan 
git  brightened  by  it,  not  ground. 

We  shouldn't  forgit  one  thing,  that  thare  iz  not  a  single  fee 
simple  on  this  futstool;  even  the  best  tooth  in  our  hed 
may  fall  tew  aking  before  sunset  and  hav  tew  be  jerked 
out. 

Ignorance  iz  the  wet  nuss  of  prejudice. 

Anticipation  iz  constantly  nibbling  expekted  pleazure  untill 
it  consumes  it,  jiss  so  the  skool  boy,  who  visits  his  basket 
during  the  forenoon  too  often,  has  allreddy  diskounted  hiz  din- 
ner. 

I  never  knu  a  man  trubbled  with  melankolly,  who  had 
plenty  to  dew,  and  did  it. 

Good  breeding,  az  i  understand  it,  iz  giving  every  man 
his  due,  without  robbing  yourself. 

Natur  iz  jist  az  honest  az  a  cow. 

Talk  little,  but  listen  out  loud,  yung  man,  iz  the  way  tew 
make  the  company  suspekt  you — i  mean  suspekt  yu  ov  know- 
ing a  grate  deal  more  than  yu  aktually  do. 

If  yu  should  reduce  the  wants  ov  the  people  ov  Nu  York 
citty  tew  aktual  necessitys  and  plain  comforts,  yu  would  hav 
tew  dubble  the  perlice  force  tew  keep  them  from  commit- 
ting suicide. 

People  when  they  find  fault  with  theirselfs,  are  generally 
more  anxious  tew  be  consoled  than  forgiven,  and,  therefore, 
when  a  man  begins  tew  confess  hiz  sins  tew  me  and  sez,  "  thare 
airtt  no  hope  for  him"  i  tell  him  he  ought  tew  know  awl 
about  it,  and  i  guess  iz  more  than  half  right. 

What  the  world  wants  iz  good  examples,  not  so  mutch 
advice;  advice  may  be  wrong,  but  examples  prove  them- 
selves. 

Pride  iz  bogus.  Adam  at  one  time  had  a  right  tew  be 
proud  but  lie  let  sin  beat  him  out  of  hiz  birthright. 


PLUM  PITS.  21? 

A  crowing  lien  and  a  cackling  ruseterare  very  niist'ortuniito 
poultry  in  a  family. 

Az  a  ginral  thing  the  man  who  marrys  a  woman  ov  more 
uppercrust  than  himself  will  find  the  woman  more  anxious 
tew  preserve  the  distance  between  them  than  tew  bring  him 
up  tew  her  grade  or  go  down  tew  hiz  level. 

Titles  are  valuable  ;  they  make  us  acquainted  with  mennf 
persons  who  otherwise  would  be  lost  aiming  the  rubbish. 

Peace  iz  the  soft  and  holy  shudder  that  virtew  casts. 

Habits  are  like  the  wrinkles  on  a  man's  brow,  if  yu  will 
smoothe  out  the  one  i  will  smoothe  out  the  other. 

It  iz  a  darned  sight  eazier  tew  find  six  men  who  kan  tell 
exactly  how  a  thing  ought  tew  be  did  than  tew  find  one  who 
will  do  it. 

Marrying  for  money  iz  a  meaner  way  tew  git  it  than  coun- 
terfiting. 

Dispatch  iz  taking  time  bi  the  ears.  Hurry  iz  taking  it  bi 
the  end  ov  the  tail. 

The  miser  who  heaps  up  gains  tew  gloat  over  iz  like  a  hog 
in  a  pen  fatted  for  a  show. 


PLUM  PITS. 

IT  iz  a  grate  art  to  kno  how  tew  listen. 
This  seems  to  be  about  the  way  it  iz  did  :     When  we  are 
rung,  we  run  into  difikultys,  and  when  we  git  old,  we  fall 
into  them. 

Love  seems  tew  hav  this  effekt,  it  makes  ayungman  sober, 
and  an  old  man  gay. 

Love  iz  a  lighted  kandel,  and  coquets  fly  around  it,  just  az 
a  miller  duz,  till  by-and-by  they  dive  into  it,  and  then  what  a 
burnt  coquet  and  miller  we  hav. 

It  ain't  bekauze  lovers  are  so  sensitiff  that  they  quarrel  so 
often,  it  iz  bekauze  thare  iz  so  mutch  phun  in  making  up. 

I  don't  kno  but  a  Prude  may  possibly  fall  in  love,  but  if 
they  ever  do,  they  don't  kno  it. 


AFFU1USMS. 


About  the  last  thing  a  man  duz  tew  korrekt  hiz  faults  h 
tew  quit  them. 

I  should  jist  az  soon  expekt  tew  see  a  monkey  fall  in  love 
as  to  see  a  dandy. 

The  wimmen  ought  tew  ketch  all  them  phellows  who  part 
their  hair  in  the  middle,  and  clap  a  red  flannel  pettycoat  on 
them. 

The  chief  end  ov  woman,  now  daze,  seems  tew  be  to  wear 
PULLED     OUT    A  PLUM      new  silk  clothes,  and 
the    chief     end     ov 
man    seems     to     be 
to  pay  for  them. 

About  all  tint  this 
far  famed  Philos- 
ophy kan  teach  us,  iz 
tew  suffer  pain,  and 
not  own  it,  and  it 
seems  to  hav  reach- 
ed the  hight  of  its 
ambislmn  w  hen  it 
courts  sorrow,  for 
the  sake  ov  being  a 
martyr. 

Pure  ignoranse, 
after  all,  iz  the  best 
alloy  for  vanity,  for 
a  vain  phool  iz  quite 

harmless.  It  iz  better  that  we  be  grater  than  our  condishun 
in  life,  than  tew  hav  our  condishun  appear  too  grate  for  us. 
There  iz  nothing  that  a  man  kan  do  that  should  cut  him  on* 
from  pitty,  the  fakt  that  he  iz  human  should  always  entitle 
him  to  commiserashun. 

Prudes  hoard  their  virtews,  the   same   az  mizers  do  their 
money,  more  for  the  sake  ov  recounting  them,  than  for  use. 
If  yu  seek  wibdum,  mi  yung  friend,  studdy  men,  and  things, 
if  yu  desire  laming,  studdy  dikshionarys. 

I  think  opportunitys  are  made  full  az  of  ten  az  they  happen. 


PLUM  PITS.  219 

T  hav  often  had  grave  doubts,  winch  waz  ov  the  most  im- 
portance, the  hustle  ov  men  or  the  hurry  ov  pissinires. 

It  iz  a  grate  deal  eazier  tew  look  upon  thoze  who  are  he 
Jow  us  with  pitty,  than  tew  look  upon  thoze  who  are  abuv  us, 
without  envy. 

Good  common  sense  iz  az  helthy  az  onions,  we  often   see 
hoze  who  are  good,  simply  bekauze  they  haint  got  sense  enutf 
iew  be  bad,  and  thoze  who  are  bad  just  bekause  they  haint 
got  sense  enuft'  tew  be  good. 

The  man  who  don't  kno  himself  iz  a  poor  judge  ov  the 
other  phellow. 

Envy  iz  sutch  a  constant  companyun,  that  if  we  find  no  one 
ahnv  us  to  envy,  we  will  envy  thoze  below  us. 

Whoever  iz  a  sedate  old  man  at  20,  will  be  apt  tew  be  a 
frivilous  ynng  one  at  60. 

Thare  iz  no  servitude  in  life  so  oppressive  az  tew  be  obliged 
tew  flatter  tlioze  whom  we  don't  respekt  enuft'  to  praze. 

Wit,  without  sense,  iz  like  a  razor  without  a  handle. 

We  mingle  in  sosiety,  not  so  mutch  tew  meet  others  aa  to 
eskape  ourselfs. 

The  truly  innosent  are  thoze  who  not  only  are  guiltless 
themselfes,  but  who  think  others  are. 

To  meet  death  without  betraying  enny  emoshun  iz  tew  he 
simply  az  courageous  az  a  beast. 

Persekuted  for  rhighteousness  sake,  iz  quite  common  in 
this  world — persekuted  for  the  devil's  sakeiz  not  so  common. 

Don't  be  afrade,  yung  man,  tew  make  a  blunder  once  in  a 
while  most  all  the  blunders  are  made  by  the  sincere  and  honest. 

I  must  respekt  thoze,  I  suppose,  who  never  make  enny  blun- 
ders, but  I  don't  luv  them. 

I  like  them  kind  of  folks,  who,  if  they  do  once  in  a  while 
weigh  out  a  pound  with  only  13  ounces  in  it,  are  just  az  apt 
tew  make  the  next  pound  weigh  19  ounces. 

I  luv  mi  phailings.  It  iz  theze  that  make  me  pheel  thut  i 
have  that  tutch  ov  natur  in  me  that  makes  me  brother  tev? 
every  man  living. 

The  greatest  blessing  that  the  great  snd  good  God  ",aD 
bestow  on  enny  human  being  iz  humility 


220  AFFURISMS. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  poetry  in  gin;  but  the  poetry  and 
the  gin,  both  ov  them,  are  knssid  poor. 

Thare  iz  sum  excuse  for  a  man  being  a  loafer  in  the  coun- 
try, whare  even  natur  once  in  a  while  takes  the  liberty  to  loaf 
a  little  ;  but  in  a  big  citty,  whare  all  suckcess  depends  upon 
aktivity,  a  loafer  iz  a  failure,  except  it  be  to  paste  advertise- 
ments onto. 

How  natral  it  iz  for  a  man,  when  he  makes  a  mistake,  to 
korrekt  it  by  kussing  sumboddy  else  for  it. 

I  never  diskuss  politiks  nor  sektarianism  ;  i  beleave  in  let- 
ting  every  man  iight  hiz  rooster  hiz  own  way. 

Pride  seems  tew  be  quite  equally  distributed  ;  the  man  who 
owns  the  carriage  and  the  man  who  drives  it  seem  tew  have 
it  just  alike. 

If  we  giv  up  our  minds  tew  little  things  we  never  shall  befit 
for  big  ones.  I  knew  a  man  once  who  could  ketch  more  flies 
with  one  swoop  ov  his  hand  than  enny  boddy  else  could,  and 
he  want  good  at  ennything  else. 

Human  happiness  konsists  in  having  what  yu  want,  and 
wanting  what  yu  hav. 

Fortune  sumtimes  shows  us  the  way,  but  it  iz  energy  that 
achieves  suckcess. 

The  richest  man  in  the  world  is  the  one  who  dispizes  riches 
the  most. 

Trusting  to  luck  is  only  another  name  for  trusting  to  lazy- 
ness. 

Fortune  never  takes  enny  boddy  by  the  hand,  but  she  often 
allows  them  to  take  her  by  the  hand. 

Avarice  and  lazyness  makes  the  most  digusting  kind  ov  a 
mixtur. 

Two  thirds  ov  what  is  called  love  iz  nothing  but  jealousy. 

Sekrets  are  like  the  meazles — they  take  eazy  and  spred  eazy. 

The  eazyest  thing  for  our  friends  to  diskover  in  us,  and 
the  hardest  thing  for  us  to  diskover  in  ourselfs,  iz  that  we  are 
growing  old. 

We  sumtimes  hit  a  thing  right  the  fust  blow,  but  most 
always  a  suckcess  iz  the  result  ov  menny  failures. 


CHIPS.  2'2 1 

The  heart  rules  the  lied,  bekauze  the  paslums  rule  the  judge- 
ment. 

Advice  iz  like  kissing — it  don't  kost  nothing,  and  iz  a  pleaz- 
ant  thing  to  do. 

One  ov  the  most  dlftikult,  and  at  the  same  time  one  ov  the 
most  necessary,  tilings  for  us  old  phellows  to  know,  iz  that  we 
aint  ov  so  muteli  ackount  now  az  we  waz. 


CHIPS. 

DONT  mistake  a  donnkast  eye  for  modesty,  dounkast  eyes 
are  often  on  the  lookout  sideways. 

"It  is  one  thing  tew  take  the  chances,  and  quite  another 
thing  tew  find  them. 

"  It  is  not  the  whole  ov  our  duty  tew  foller  the  examples 
ov  good  men,  but  tew  leave  behind  us  sum  decent  tracks  for 
others  tew  foller. 

"  Rumor  is  a  spark  at  fust,  then  a  fire,  then  a  conflagrashun, 
and  then  ashes. 

"  The  wust  enemy  that  a  man  kan  hav  is  flattery,  it  is  wuss 
than  abuse  ;  it  is  better  tew  be  knocked  endways  by  a  foe  than 
tew  be  blowed  up  sideways  with  the  quill  of  a  windy  friend. 

"  Death  is  a  cessation  ov  hosstilitys ;  a  flag  ov  truce  ;  to  the 
righteous  a  gain,  and  tew  the  wicked  no  loss. 

"If  you  are  looking  after  happiness  don't  take  the  turn- 
pike, take  one  ov  the  byroads,  yu  will  avoid  the  tollgates, 
and  find  it  less  crowded  and  dursty. 

"Mutch  buty  iz  like  the  strawberry,  soon  out  ov  season, 
but  exquisit  while  it  duz  last,  and  like  the  strawberry,  ain't 
perfekt  without  a  good  deal  ov  sugar. 

"Rules  for  long  life  are  like  gide  boards  tew  a  deserted 
citty. 

"  Hipokrasy  is  one  ov  the  vices  that  yu  kant  konvert,  yu 
might  az  well  undertake  tew  git  the  wiggle  out  ov  a  snake, 
or  the  grease  out  ov  fat  pork. 


±22  AFFUIUSAISJ. 

"A  witty  writer  is  like  a  porkupine,  In/,  quill  makes  no 
distinktion  between  a  friend  and  a  foe. 

"About  one-half  the  discunifert  ov  this  life  iz  the  result  ov 
gitting  tired  ov  ourselfs. 

'*  Solitude  wud  be  an  excellent  place  tew  go  to  if  a  man 
could  leave  his  baggage  (or  sin)  behind  him. 

"  lie  that  marrys  a  Christian  woman  iz  the  son-in-law  ov 
Divine  Providence. 

"Menny  a  young  person  haz  died  old  by  living  a  long  time 
after  they  wax  dead,  and  menny  an  old  person  haz  died  long 
before  their  time  cum  by  being  dead  while  they  waz  a  living. 

"  Precepts  are  poor  stuff  tew  bring  up  young  ones  on,  it  iz 
like  sending  them  down  cellar  without  enny  kandle  tew  larn 
them  tew  see  in  the  dark. 

'*  Thare  iz  no  sutch  thing  az  acksidents,  if  one  thing  hap- 
pens by  acksident  awl  things  may  ;  Heaven  haz  no  beureau 
ov  acksidents. 

"  We  should  be  kerf ul  how  we  encourage  luxurys,  it  iz  but 
a  step  forward  from  hoe-cake  to  plum-puddin,  but  it  iz  a  mile 
and  a  half,  by  the  nearest  road,  when  we  hav  tew  go  back 
agin. 

"  Smiles  and  tears  cum  from  the  same  fountain,  and  az  the 
showers  ov  heaven  are  followed  by  the  sunshine,  tew  gladden 
the  earth,  so  duz  joy  follow  sadness,  tew  make  the  soul 
cheerful. 

"  Thare  iz  just  az  mutch  jelousy,  (it  iz  only  less  dangerous) 
among  the  low-ly  az  among  the  ritch  ;  the  poor  devil  with  a 
whole  loaf  under  hiz  arm,  iz  the  lord  of  hiz  naberhood,  and 
the  half  loaves  look  on  with  envious  Avonder,  while  he  struts 
up  and  down  the  alley. 

fc'  We  only  love  them  that  we  fear.  This  may  be  only  one 
of  my  lies,  but  it  looks  so  tew  me  from  where  i  stand  now. 

"  The  best  condishun  in  life  iz  not  to  be  so  ritch  az  tew  be 
envyed,  nor  so  poor  az  to  be  damned. 

"  Iz  it  charity  tew  giv  tew  a  thankless  cuss  in  need  ?  cer^ 
tainly ;  jest  az  mutch  az  it  would  be  to  save  a  drouning  cow. 

"Just  pruize  iz  the  vcrnakular  ov  good  deeds. 


KOAKSE  SHOT. 


223 


"  Whare  tbare  iz  grate  virtue,  tliare  must  hav  bin  grate 
vices,  or  else  a  very  "poor  sile,  that  raizes  nothing  but  what 
haz  bin  planted,  and  well  tended  and  manured  at  that. 

"Revenge  iz  jist^iz  natral  as  milk,  yu  will  see  little  bits  ov 
boys  club  the  post  that  they  bump  their  heads  aginst." 


KOAKSE  SHOT. 

"TTTIIEXEVER  yu  see  a  doktor  who  alwus  travels  on  the 
Y  V     jump,  yu  kan  bet  he  is  looking  for  a  job. 
The  bulk  ov  mankind  are   mere   imitators   of   very   poor 
originals.      It   iz   a 
crate  deal  eazier  tew 

~ 

be  a  philosopher  af- 
ter a  man  haz  had  a 
warm  meal  than  it 
iz  when  he  don't 
kno  whare  he  iz  a 
going  tew  git  one. 

Most  men  lament 
their  condishun  in 
life,  but  thare  are 
but  phew,  after  all, 
who  are  superior  to 
it. 

To  never  dispair 
may  be  God  like, 
but  it  ain't  human. 
Affektashim  looks 
well  in  a  monkey. 

Trieing  t  e  w   de- 
fine love  iz  like  trieing  tewr  tell  how  yu  kum  tew  brake  thnj 
the  ice,  all  yu  kno  about  it  iz,  yu  fell  in,  and  got  ducked. 

The  prinsipal  importanseova  mistery  iz  the  mistery  itself 


KOARSE    SHOT. 


224  AFFUKISMS. 

What  makes  a  ghost  so  respektable  a  karakter  iz,  that  nobofr 
dy  ever  saw  one. 

The  pedigree  that  we  receive  from  our  ansestors  iz  like  tho 
money  we  receive  from  them,  we  arc  not  expekted  tew  liv 
on  the  principle,  but  on  the  accumulaslmn,  and  transmit  the 
principle  unimpaired. 

A  weak  man  wants  az  mutch  watching  az  a  bad  one. 

It  iz  hard  work  tew  define  human  happiness,  the  real  pos 
sessor  ov  it  iz  the  very  one  who  kant  define  it. 

Wealth  iz  no  guard  agiust  villany,  thare  iz  az  mutch  in 
iquity  amung  the  ritch  az  amung  the  poor,  ackording  tew 
their  numbers. 

A  wize  man  never  enjoys  himself  so  mutch,  nor  a  phool 
so  little,  az  when  alone. 

Avarice  iz  az  hungry  az  the  grave. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  virtew  in  this  world  that  iz  like 
jewellry,  more  for  ornament  than  use. 

I  am  satisfied  that  courage  in  men  iz  more  often  the  effekt 
ov  konstitushun  than  ov  principle. 

About  the  best  thing  that  experience  kan  teach  us  iz  tew 
bear  misfortins,  and  sorrow,  with  kornpozure. 

Mans  necessitys  are  phew,  but  hiz  wants  are  endless. 

Thare  are  menny  people  who  not  only  beleave  that  this 
world  revolves  on  its  axis,  but  they  beleave  that  they  are  the 
axis. 

Self-made  men  are  most  alwus  apt  tew  be  a  leetle  too 
proud  ov  the  job. 

I  think  thare  iz  az  menhy  old  phools  in  the  world,  az  tharo 
iz  yung  ones,  and  thare  iz  this  difference  between  them,  the 
yung  ones  may  outgrow  their  pholly,  but  the  old  ones 
never  do. 

The  ambishun  of  9  men  out  of  10,  if  it  should  receive  no 
check,  would  end  in  their  destrukslmn. 

A  genuine  aphorism,  iz  truth  done  up  in  a  small  package. 

A  vishus  old  man  iz  a  terrible  sight  dispised  on  earth  an<? 
hated  in  heaven. 

The  avnrishu*  man  iz  like  the  grave,  he  takes  all  that  he  kau 
lay  hiz  hands  on,  ;  iul  p'<-~-  rothing  back. 


HOARSE  SHOT.  225 

Bashfulness  iz  either  the  eftek  ov  ignorance  or  modesty— ^ 
if  it  iz  ignorance,  edukaslnin  changes  it  into  impertinence — 
if  it  iz  modesty,  it  will  kling  tew  a  man  a  long  az  he  haz  go' 
one  single  virtew  left. 

Marrying  for  buty  iz  a  poor  spekulashun,  for  enny  mar 
who  seesyure  wife,  has  got  just  about  az  mutch  stock  in  her 
az  yu  hav. 

Hope  iz  the  germ,  Faith  the  blossom,  and  Charity  the 
fruit. 

Thare  iz  this  difference  between  a  weak  friend  and  a  bitter 
enemy — the  one  puts  us  oph  our  guard,  and  the  other  puts  us 
on. 

Whenever  yu  kan  find  a  man  to  whom  yu  kan  tell  all  yure 
sekrets,  and  still  retain  hiz  respekt,  yu  have  found  a  friend 
indeed. 

When  a  man  abuzes  me  i  will  pay  no  more  attenshon  tew 
him  than  i  will  to  a  country  cur  who  barks  at  me ;  this  will 
make  both  the  dog  and  the  man  ashamed  ov  themselfs. 

Thare  iz  this  mutch  kan  be  sed  in  favour  ov  good-breeding, 
it  iz  the  only  thing  that  kan  make  a  phool  endurable. 

Thare  ain't  mutch  phun  in  phisick,  but  thare  iz  a  good 
deal  ov  phisick  in  phun. 

Men  will  forgit  injurys  eazier  than  kontempt ;  they  had 
rather  be  hated  than  not  noticed. 

I  hay  bin  watching  human  intercourse  a  little  lately,  and  i 
find  it  is  largely  made  up  ov  grunts,  groans  and  growls,  varied 
with  huffs,  hoots,  and  howls. 

I  like  a  good  hater,  but  i  want  him  able  tew  giv  good  rea 
zons  for  it. 

About  the  emptyest  thing  i  kno  ov  iz  a  pocket-book,  with 
nothing  in  it — it  iz  rather  wuss  than  a  knot-hole. 

The  man  who  pitys  everyboddy,  wants  watching,  for  the 
chances  are  that  he  iz  gitting  phatt  slily  on  other  peoples 
misfortunes. 

It  seems  tew  me  that  good  breeding  iz  the  art  ov  making 
everyboddy  satisfied  with  themselfs,  and  pleased  with  you. 

The  man  whom  forivness  wont  humble  iz  a  brute. 


226  AFFURISMS. 

SLIPS  OF  THE  PEN. 

THE  -wizest   thing  about  a,  man  iz  hiz  conscience — eduka 
shun  don't  improve  it. 

If  yu  want  tew  find  out  the  ruling  pashun  ov  a  boss,  feed 
him  high  on  oats — it  iz  jiss  so  with  mankind. 

Az  a  gineral  rule,  the  best  way  iz  tew  decide  yureself  what 
bizness  in  life  it  iz  best  for  yure  yung  one  tew  foller,  and 
then  stick  him  at  it  while  he  iz  limber — men  alwus  pole  vines 
before  they  begin  tew  run  mutch. 

The  only  way  for  me  to  git  out  ov  a  tight  spot  iz  tew  git 
into  it  fust.  Sum  folks  kan  tell  exackly  how  a  thing  feels 
by  not  tuching  it,  but  I  kant. 

The  more  babes  in  a  family,  the  eazier  and  better  they  are 
raized — one  chicken  alwus  makes  an  old  hen  more  clucking 
and  scratching  than  a  duzen  duz. 

It  takes  an  uncommon  smart  man,  now-daze,  tew  make 
money  by  telling  the  truth — it  iz  aktually  an  evidense  ov 
genius. 

It  iz  a  very  small  spot  in  the  lightrmg  bug's  tail  that  shines  ; 
it  iz  the  darkness  ov  the  nite  that  makes  it  so  brilliant — it  iz 
jist  so  with  virtew. 

Nussing  revenge  iz  like  missing  a  yung  hedgehog — the 
older  he  grows,  the  sharper  hiz  quills. 

The  good  man  iz  like  an  old-fashioned  Xu  England  clock — 
hiz  soul  iz  the  pendnlem  whose  regular  moslmns  giv  life  and 
grace  tew  hiz  -hands  and  face,  thus  showing  the  good  works 
that  are  inside  ov  him. 

Most  ov  the  epitaffs  on  the  tombstnns  read  likegideboards 
lew  the  grate  citty,  and  without  them  a  great  menny  would 
take  the  wron<;  road. 

o 

Most  people  travel  to  see  and  be  seen  ;  but  few  to  compare. 

Fools  are  telling  us  (confiden sally)  "  that  time  is  short  y" 
but  the  diffikulty  lies  not  in  the  shortness  ov  time  so  mutch 
az  it  duz  in  the  length  ov  the  fools. 

Children  are  kut  down  like  the  yung  wheat,  to  ripen  ;  old 
people  are  gathered  like  the  golden  grain,  to  be  ground  and 
bolted. 


SLIPS  OF  THE  PEN.  227 

The  only  way  tew  truli  enjoy  enny thing  iz  lew  be  willing 
tew  quit  it  when  the  bell  rings. 

Time  iz  like  a  fair  wind — if  we  don't  set  our  sails,  we  looze 
that  breeze  forever. 

We  are  often  ridikuled  for  telling  old  truths.  The  10  com- 
mandments are  old  enuff  tew  be  wore  out  with  truth ;  but 
who  follers  them  ? 

Take  man,  from  Adam  down  to  April  fool  1868,  and  i 
would  respekfully  ask,  if  he  ain't  a  ded  beat  ?  Iz  thare  a 
single  pashun  ov  hiz  natur,  up  to  date,  that  yu  kan  take  the 
halter  ov  civil  law  off  from,  and  turn  it  out  to  grass  ? 

Waking  up  in  the  morning,  to  a  virtuous  man,  iz  the  same 
thing  az  being  born  agin. 

"Necessity  ia  the  mother  ov  invenshun,"  and  Patient 
Wright  iz  the  father. 

It  dun  me  good  to  hear  a  poor  brute  whinner  in  Broadway 
yesterday.  I  waz  glad  that  thare  waz  one  stage  hoss  in  New 
York  citty  whoze  heart  wasn't  dead  broke. 

Death  iz  the  only  thing  in  this  life  that  iz  certain  ;  and 
even  that  ain't  always  a  safe  investment. 

Rumor  iz  a  vagrant  without  a  home,  and  lives  upon  what 
it  kan  pick  up. 

The  gratest  viktory  for  mankind  that  hav  ever  bin  won,  hav 
bin  won  by  the  rod  and  the  katechism. 

The  lion  and  the  lamb  may,  possibly,  sumtime  lay  dosvn  in 
this  world  together  for  a  fu  minnits,  but  when  the  lion  kums 
tew  git  up,  the  lamb  will  be  missing. 

Chastity  iz  like  glassware — too  much  frost  in  it  makes  it 
more  brittle. 

Yirtew,  backed  up  by  courage,  iz  the  perfekshun  ov  human 
natur.  I  don't  reckon  mercy  nor  pity  always  aiming  the 
virtews  ;  they  are  often  only  amable  weaknesses.  Justis  iz 
the  square  root  ov  awl  the  virtews.  I  wouldn't  hav  enny 
mercy  nor  pitty  hove  out  for  rubbish  ;  neither  would  i  hav  a 
man  think,  bekauze  he  melts  at  the  anguish  ov  the  viscious, 
that  it  iz  virtew  that  ails  him. 

Bachelors  are  alwus  abraggin  ov  their  freedom  ! ! — freedom 


228  AFFUKISMS. 

to  darn  their  own  stockings,  and  poultiss  their  own  shins!  1 
had  rather  be  a  widdower  once  in  2  years,  reglar,  than  tew  be 
a  grunting,  old,  hair-dyed  bachelor  only  for  90  days. 

Thelazyest  man  that  i  kan  think  ov  now,  waz  Israel  Dun- 
bar,  ov  Billingsville.  He  dried  up  a  new  milch  cow  in  milkiu 
her  3  times,  and  planted  an  aker  of  beans,  last  spring,  awl  in 
one  hill.  He  iz  45  years  old,  and  hain't  had  the  meazlesyet ; 
he  haz  alwus  bin  too  lazy  tew  ketch  them.  He  had  one  son, 
who  was  jist  like  him.  This  boy  died  when  he  waz  18  years 
old,  in  crossing  a  korn-n'eld  ;  the  punkin-vines  took  after  him 
and  smothered  him  to  death. 


GLASS  DDIOKDS. 

IF  we  could  see  the  sekret  motives  that  prompt  even  the 
good  ackshuns  ov  men,  we  should  see  more  tew  reprove 
than  admire. 

The  best  specimens  ov  calm  resignashun  tew  their  fate  that 
I  hav  met  with  thus  far,  liav  been  aiming  thoze  who  had  an 
inkum  ov  40  thousand  dollars  a  year,  less  government  tax. 

Diogenes  and  Seneca  were  two  az  grate  philosophers  az  the 
world  haz  ever  produced ;  one  lived  in  a  tub,  and  the  other  in 
a  palace. 

Most  ov  the  happiness  in  this  world  konsists  in  possessing 
what  others  kant  git. 

Take  all  the  phools  and  the  good  luk  out  of  this  world,  and 
it  would  bother  menny  ov  us  tew  git  a  living. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  ghosts  travelling  around  loose,  but 
no  one  ever  saw  one  yet. 

Honesty  iz  like  money,  yu  hav  got  tew  work  hard  tew  git 
it,  aii<~  :hen  work  harder  to  keep  it. 

I  alwus  git  my  boots  made  bi  the  shumaker  that  other  shu- 
makers  praze. 

Philosophy  iz  born  in  the  head,  and  dies  in  the  heart. 

lhav  noticed  one  thing,  that  just  about  in  proporshun  that 
the  pashuns  are  weak,  men  are  seeming1  •:  virtewous. 


GLASS  DIMONDS. 


Here  iz  just  what's  the  matter — if  yu  shut  yureself  up  folks 
will  run  after  yu,  and  if  yu  run  after  folks  they  will  shut 
them  sells  up. 

Thare  iz  az  mutch  difference  between  wit  and  humor,  az 
thare  iz  between  the 
ile  and   the   essence 
of  peppermint. 

It  iz  a  safe  kalku- 
lashun  that  the  more 
prazc  a  man  iz  wil- 
ling to  take,  the  less 
he  deserves. 

Thare  iz  but  phew 
people  in  this  world 
underrated. 

Honesty  iz  the 
only  aristokrasy  that 
i  acknoweledge; 
an  honest  man  iz  al- 
wns  a  well-bred  man 
and  a  gentleman. 

Politeness  iz  not 

only  the  most  power-  GLASs  DIMOM«. 

ful,  but  the  cheapest  argument  I  kno  ov.  The  more  wrinkles 
i  kan  see  in  a  man's  face  the  better  i  like  it,  provided  a  smile 
lays  in  each  one  ov  the  gutters. 

The  philosophers  tell  us  that  "natur  abhors  a  vacum." 
This  ackounts  for  the  sawdust  in  sum  mens  heds. 

Thare  iz  now  and  then  a  person  to  whom  sosiety  owes 
menny  obligashuns,  but  most  people  owe  all  thare  iz  ov  them 
tew  sosiety. 

If  yu  pull  the  sting  out  ov  a  hornet  hiz  moral  power  iz 
gone  in  a  minnit. 

We  are  all  ov  us  willing  tew  divide  our  sorrows  am ung  our 
nabors,  but  our  plezzures  we  are  more  stingy  with. 

Sages  and  phools  are  the  only  two  kinds  ov  people  that  the 
world  kan  afford  tew  hav  liv  in  solitude. 


230  AFFURISMS. 

If  a  man  waz  kompletely  virtewous,  i  doubt  whether  he 
would  be  happy  here,  he  would  be  so  lonesum. 

It  dont  require  mutch  tallent  tew  giv  good  advice,  but  tew 
follow  it  duz. 

Altho  the  mule  iz  looked  upon  az  a  stupid  kritter,  he  makes 
sum  most  brilliant  hits. 

Every  man  haz  a  weak  side,  and  sum  hav  two  or  three. 

He  who  demands  respekt  almost  all  ways  deserves  it. 

Kidikule  that  ain't  true  haz  no  partikular  power. 

I  wouldn't  giv  250  dollars  cash,  or  good  dicker,  for  all  the 
fame  thare  iz  in  the  world  at  this  partikular  junktur. 

Mi  opinyun  ov  mankind,  az  a  brilliant  suckcess,  needs  a 
good  deal  ov  nussing. 

No  church  kan  expekt  tew  be  very  suckcessful  now  days, 
unless  it  haz  got  a  good  orkestra  in  it. 

Hope  iz  a  thoughtless  jade — she  often  cheats  us,  but  she 
haz  no  malace. 

When  i  waz  yung  i  thought  all  money  spent  waz  -well  in- 
vested, but  az  i  get  older  i  cypher  different. 

God  makes  opportunitys,  but  man  must  hunt  for  them 

Invenshun  and  judgement  are  seldom  found  together. 

Ambishun  tew  shine  in  everything  iz  a  sure  way  tew  put  a 
man's  kandell  all  out. 

Man's  make  up  iz  ov  natur  and  custom,  and  i  don't  kno 
which  ov  the  two  iz  the  most  powerfullest. 

A  grate  brag  iz  either  a  phool  or  a  coward,  and  probably  he 
iz  both. 

Az  long  az  we  are  lucky  we  attribit  it  tew  our  smartness ; 
our  bad  luck  we  giv  the  gods  credit  for. 

Thare  iz  one  person  in  this  world  that  every  boddy  kan 
tell  yu  all  about,  and  that  iz  the  next  door  nabor. 

Thare  are  people  who  love  too  well  to  ever  be  jealous. 

I  kno  lots  ov  people  who  always  think  at  least  3  times 
before  they  speak  once,  and  then  never  say  enny  thing  worth 
listening  to. 

It  takes  a  certain  amount  ov  back  ground  in  a  man's  karak 
ter  tew  sho  hiz  virtews  to  good  advantage. 


JEWS  HAKPS.  231 

It  iz  better  tew  overslmte  the  mark  than  tew  fall  short; 
this  shows  that  the  fault  ain't  in  the  amunisliun. 

Thare  iz  plenty  ov  individuals  who,  if  they  kan  go  up  like 
a  baloon,  are  willing  tew  cum  down  like  a  chunk. 


JEWS  HARPS. 

A  GENTLEMAN  iz  a  gentleman  the  world  over, — loaferg 
A.  differ. 

BENEVOLENCE  iz  the  cream  that  rizes  on  the  milk  ov  human 
kindness. 

COURAGE  without  discretion,  iz  a  ram  with  horns  on  both 
ends,  he  will  hav  more  fites  on  hand  than  he  kan  well  attend  to. 

HUNTING  after  happiness,  iz  like  hunting  after  a  lost  sheep 
in  the  wilderness,  when  yu  find  it,  the  chances  are,  that  it  iz 
a  skeleton. 

A  DOG  iz  the  only  animal  kritter,  who  luvs  yu  more  than 
he  luvs  himself. 

THARE  iz  no  more  real  satisfackshun,  in  laying  up  in  yure 
buzzum  an  injury  than  thare  iz  in  stuffing  a  dead  hornet, 
who  haz  stung  you,  and  keeping  him  tew  look  at. 

OLD  friends,  are  like  old  cheeze,  the  strongest. 

LIES  are  like  illegitimate  children,  they  are  liable  tew  call 
a  man  "  Father,"  when  he  least  expekts  it. 

ALL  money  that  iz  well  spent,  iz  a  good  investment. 

IF  we  would  all  ov  us  take  kare  ov  our  own  souls,  and  let 
our  nabors  alone,  thare  would  be  less  time  lost,  and  more 
souls  saved. 

BEFORE  i  would  preach  the  gospel  az  some  ministers  are 
obliged  to,  for  450  dollars  a  year,  i  would  git  a  living  az  Neb- 
ndkenezzer  did,  and  let  the  congregashun  go  tew  grass  to. 

CONTENTMENT  is  the  vittles,  and  drink  ov  the  soul. 

DID  yu  ever  hear  a  son  bragging  about  hiz  father,  whoz« 
father  could  with  justiss,  brag  about  hiz  son  ? 

THE  safest  kind  ov  faith  i  kno  ov,  iz  humility. 


232  AFFURISMS. 

THE  man  who  never  makes  enny  mistakes,  like  the  angle 
worm,  never  gits  far  away  from  hiz  hole. 

A  BRILLIANT  blunder  in  a  writer,  iz  often  one  ov  hiz  best 

hits. 

TYRANNY  iz  often  changed,  but  never  destroyed. 

SUCKING  a  whipt  sillybub,  thru  a  rhy  straw,  iz  a  good  deal 
like  trieing  tew  liv  on  buty. 

I  NEVER  knu  a  profound  phool  yet,  who  did  not  affekt 
gravity,  nor  a  truly  wize  man,  whoze  face  was  not  alwus  cocked 
and  primed,  for  a  laugh. 

PRUDERY  iz  nothing  more  than  coquetry,  gone  to  seed. 

NEW  YORK  citty  is  a  fasst  place,  yu  kant  even  pass  a  phu- 
neral  procession,  unless  yu  have  got  the  fassest  hoss. 

TRUTH,  haz  hardly  clothing  enuff,  tew  hide  its  nakedness. 

A  POMPOUS  man,  iz  like  a  full  blown  bladder,  it  iz  pure  mal- 
ice tew  prick  him. 

THE  money,  and  morality  ov  this  world,  are  a  good  deal 
alike,  the  principle  never  loses  sight  ov  the  interest. 

PITTY  costs  nothing, — and  aint  worth  nothing. 

WHAT  men  kant  do,  they  are  apt  to  admire, — they  dont 
criticise  a  mountain,  bekauze  they  kant  make  one. 

POVERTY  is  one  ov  them  kind  ov  misfortunes,  that  we  all 
ov  us  dread,  but  none  ov  us  pitty. 

TIIARE  iz  lots  ov  people  in  this  world  who  covet  misfor- 
tunes, jist  for  the  luxury  ov  grunting. 

IT  iz  comparitively  eazy  tew  repent  ov  the  sins  that  we  hav 
committed,  but  tew  repent  ov  thoze  which  we  intend  to  com- 
mit, is  asking  tew  mutch  ov  enny  man,  now  days. 

I  THANK  God  for  one  thing,  and  that  iz,  when  every  buddy 
else  iz  happy,  i  am  sure  to  be. 

MOST  men  go  thru  life,  az  rivers  go  tew  the  sea,  bi  follow 
ing  the  lay  ov  the  ground. 

IN  youth  we  run  into  difficultys,  in  old  age,  diffikultys  runs 
into  us. 

"  TIMES  ain't  az  they  used  tew  be  "  — this  haz  bin  the  sol 
lum,  and  wize  remark  ov  mankind,  ever  since  Adam  waz  a  boy 

SECRETS  are  cussid  poor  property  at  best,  if  yu  cirkulate 


TAD  POLES  233 

them,  yu  loze  them,  and  if  yu  keep  them,  yu  loze  the  inter- 
est on  the  investment. 

PERSECUTED  for  the  Devil's  sake,  iz  what  sinners  git  for 
their  allegiance. 

SUM  people  won't  beleave  enny  thing  they  kant  prove ; 
the  things  i  can't  prove,  are  the  very  things  i  beleave  the  most. 

PRIDE  never  shows  itself  more  disgustingly  than  in  the 
pomp  ov  a  phuneral. 

HAPPINESS  iz  not  idleness,  but  its  spirit  iz  az  free  from 
labor,  as  the  life  ov  a  yearling  heifer. 

GOOD  examples  amung  the  rulers,  are  the  best  Jaws  they 
kan  enakt. 

THE  devil  iz  probably  the  best  judge  ov  human  natur  that 
ever  lived,  and  he  must  hav  beleaved  in  the  doktrine  ov  total 
depravity,  or  he  wouldn't  hav  undertook  tew  tempt  the 
Saviour. 

A  "GENTLEMAN  about  town,"  iz  one  who  pays  cash  for 
everything  except  hiz  debts. 

MONEY  iz  like  charity,  it  kivvers  a  multitude  ov  sins. 

A  PEDANT  iz  one  who  fills  himself  in  a  cellar  with  the  klaia 
broth  ov  literature,  and  then  picks  hiz  teeth  in  the  society  ov 
the  learned. 

THARE  iz  but  little,  if  any,  cerimony,  between  two  wize 
men,  but  between  a  wize  man  and  a  phool,  cerimony  iz  the 
only  thing  that  will  make  a  phool  feel  respektable. 

WHEN  yu  find  a  man  who  iz  very  solisitus  about  the  well- 
fair  ov  everyboddy,  yu  kan  safely  put  him  down  az  one  who 
iz  hunting  for  a  misfortune. 


TADPOLES. 

ONE  ov  the  hardest  men  in  the  world  te^   collekt  a  debt 
ov  iz  the  one  who  iz  alwus  willing  tew  pay,  but  never 
reddy. 

Trew  liberty  konsists  in  miking  good  laws,  and  then  obey- 
ing: them. 


234 


AFFURISMS. 


I  suppoze  we  never  shall  kno  in  this  life  how  big  a  phool  a 
man  kan  be,  bekauze  he  iz  not  allowed  tew  hav  all  his  wants 
and  vanities  gratified. 

When  i  diskover  that  all  hatred,  avarice,  ambishun,  vanity, 
:md  envy,  have  left  this  world,  then  i  am  going  tew  hunt  for 
A  Christian. 

Yung  man,  larn  tew  listen ! — i  don't  mean  at  a  key -hole. 

Thare  iz  plenty 
ov  happiness  in  this 
life  if  we  only  knu 
it :  and  one  way  tew 
find  it  iz,  when  we 
hav  got  the  old  ru- 
matiz  tew  thank 
Heaven  that  it  aint 
the  old  go:it. 

Men  are  blamed 
for  sticking  their 
noze  into  things; 
but  it  iz  the  only 
way  a  Jog  tracks  out 
hiz  gsme. 

The  man  v~ho  kan 
live  in  idleness  snc- 
cessf  ul  ly  ,  must 
either  be  too  pure  or 
TADPOLES.  too  lazy  to  commit 

enny  sin.     Poetri  iz  a  disseaze  common  tew  all  the  literati ; 
sum  hav  it  quite  hard,  but  most  hav  it  dredful  lite. 

Inkredulity  iz  the  wisdum  ova  phool ;  it  iz  only  a  wize  man 
who  kan  afford  tew  be  credulous. 

Prejudice  iz  a  hous  plant  which  iz  very  apt  tew  wither  if 
yu  take  it  out  doors  amungst  pholks. 

The  devil  holds  poor  kards,  Lut  he  plays  them  mighty 
well. 

What  iz  the  next  wust  thing  tew  lieing?  Gitting  ketched 
at  it. 


TADPOLES.  235 

I  am  so  phully  aware  ov  tlio  uncertainty  ov  the  law,  that  if 
a  man  whom  i  had  never  seen  nor  heard  ov  should  su  me  for 
a  debt  ov  one  hundred  dollars,  and  i  couldn't  komponnd  with 
him  for  fifty,  i  would  pay  the  whole  rather  than  defend  the 
puit. 

I  hav  noticed  this  diffrence  between  people — thare  is  some 
who  are  not  az  big  phools  as  they'  look. 

Most  authors  in  writing  neglekt  their  pnnktuaslums,  espesh- 
liy  i\\Q/ull  stop. 

I  hav  seen  pholks  so  melankolly  and  so  gloomy  that  they 
wouldn't  admit  thare  waz  a  brite  side  tew  ennything  in  this 
world,  not  even  tew  a  nu  haff  dollar. 

If  wit  forms  the  blade,  good  sense  should  be  the  handle 
and  benevolence  the  skabbard  ov  the  sword 

Experience  iz  knowledge,  and  it  will  stik  bi  a  phellow  like 
the  money  he  gits  by  hard  knoxs. 

I  never  hav  seen  a  bigot  yet  but  what  had  a  small  and  appa- 
rently braneless  hed — but  i  hain't  seen  all  the  bigots,  yu  know. 

Silence  iz  like  darkness,  a  good  place  tew  hide. 

Thare  iz  no  revenge  so  komplete  az  forgivness. 

He  that  desires  tew  be  ritch  only  to  be  charitable,  iz  not 
only  a  wize  man,  but  a  good  one. 

Grate  welth,  in  our  journey  thru  life,  iz  only  extra  baggage, 
and  wants  a  heap  ov  watching. 

TJie  malice  ov  the  world  ain't  haff  so  dangerous  az  its  flat- 
tery s. 

If  i  feel  that  i  am  right,  all  the  kurs  in  the  country  may 
snap  at  mi  heels. 

Tricing  tew  satisfy  our  desires  with  wealth  iz  like  trieing 
tew  stop  up  a  rat  hole  with  sand — the  rats  will  soon  dig  out 
sum  whare  else. 

A  piece  ov  satire,  tew  be  beneficial,  should  be  so  rendered 
that  every  man  who  reads,  or  hears  it,  shall  say  to  himself, 
"  That  iz  just,  bekauze  it  hits  every  boddy  but  me." 

Skandle  iz  az  kctching  az  the  small  pox,  and  perhaps  tJiare 
iz  but  one  real  preventative,  and  that  iz — tew  be  vacksinated 
with  deaf  and  dumbness. 


AFFURISMS. 

Really  wize  men  pay  but  little  attenslmn  to  misterys,  but 
one  good  misterv  will  furnish  a  dozen  phools  with  vittles  and 

O  •> 

drink  for  a  year,  and  fat  the  whole  ov  them  besides. 

We  are  all  ov  us  too  apt  tew  judge  ov  a  sin  by  its  size. 
"We  will  pass  a  10  cent  counterfit  shin  plaster,  when  we 
would  shudder  at  a  10  dollar  bill. 

Mi  friend  haz  got  hiz  phailings,  and  that  iz  one  thing  that 
makes  me  like  him  so  mutch. 

Affeckshun  iz  a  vine  full  ov  tendrils,  and  if  yu  don't  phur- 
nish  it  sumthing  better  tew  climb,  it  will  phurnish  itself  sum- 
thing  wuss ;  this  ackounts  for  its  running  after  sore  eyed  lap 
dogs  and  sick  monkeys. 

Poverty  iz  the  step  mother  ov  genius. 

Beware  ov  the  man  who  makes  a  still  noize  when  lie  walks, 
and  who  purrs  when  he  talks ;  he  iz  a  kat  in  disguise. 

It  iz  now  30  years  ago  since  a  phellow  with  green  goggles 
on  and  a  white  neck  tie,  offered  tew  sell  me  sumthing  for  50 
cents,  whitch  he  fed  waz  worth  5  dollars.  I've  forgot  what  it 
waz,  but  i  remember  it  waz  a  beat,  and  az  often  az  once  a 
year  ever  since,  I  have  tried  the  same  thing  over,  and  got 
beat  every  time. 

When  shame  leaves  a  man,  the  kandle  goes  out,  and  hiz 
soul  gropes  its  way  in  the  dark,  a  slave  tew  mean,  and  brutal 
pashuns. 

Civilizashun  haz  made  justiss  one  ov  the  luxurys,  for  which 
we  have  tew  pay  the  highest  price. 

Lies  are  like  a  bad  penny,  sure  tew  return  to  their  owner. 

"  Time  iz  money,'"' — nienny  people  take  this  saying  in  its 
literal  sense,  and  undertake  tew  pay  their  debts  with  it. 

Competishun  iz  a  good  thing,  even  arming  brutes — two 
dogs  on  a  farm  make  both  dogs  more  watchful. 

Originality  in  writing  haz  alwus  been  praized.  but  i  hav  red 
sum  authors  who  were  too  original  tew  be  interesting. 

Altho  the  learned  and  witty  often  cater  to  the  ritch,  thare 
never  waz  one  yet,  howrever  poor,  who  would  swap  estates 
with  them. 

If  a  man  iz  very  bizzy  he  kantbe  very  sorrowful,  nor  very 
vi  scions. 


PEPPEE  PO0S.  237 

If  thare  iz  enny  human  being  that  i  thoroughly  loath,  it  iz 
the  one  who  haz  nothing  tew  boast  ov  but  hiz  munny — a  mere 
pimp  tew  hiz  welth. 

One  ov  the  saddest  sights  ov  all  to  me,  iz  an  old  man,  poor 
and  deserted,  whom  i  once  knew  living  in  ease  and  luxury. 

I  don't  think  the  world  haz  ever  seen  a  sparkling,  brilliant 
wit  yet,  who  waz  not  troubled  at  times  with  the — hiccups. 

Silence  iz  one  ov  the  hardest  kind  ov  arguments  tew  refute. 

The  fust  thing  in  this  life  tew  be  desired,  in  the  phisikal 
line,  iz  a  happy  set  ov  bowells,  after  that,  virtew,  andbranes, 
are  in  order. 

Justiss  now  daze  aint  worth  \vhat  it  kosts. 

I've  seen  men  so  fun-proof  that  yukouldn't  fire  a  joke  into 
them  with  a  dubble-barreled  gun. 

Thare  are  people  who  are  so  mutch  matter-of-fakt  in  every- 
thing, that  when  they  eat  pork  and  beans,  they  want  the  pork 
one  day  and  the  beans  the  next. 

If  i  waz  called  upon  tew  tell  who  waz  the  bravest  man  that 
ever  lived,  i  would  say  it  waz  him  who  never  told  a  lie. 

The  meanest  thing  that  euny  man  ever  followed  for  a  bizz- 
ness,  iz  making  money. 

Everyboddy  luvs  tew  feel  that  they  are  ov  sum  importanse 
in  this  world,  even  a  pauper  looks  forward  tew  the  day  ov  his 
phunerul  az  the  time  that  he  haz  got  tew  be  notissed. 


PEPPER  PODS. 

IF  yu  hav  got  a  spirited  and  noble  boy,  appeal  tew  hiz  gen- 
erosity, if  yu  hav  got  a  heavy  and  sullen  one  appeal  tew 
hiz  back. 

A  grate  menny  ov  our  people  go  abroad  tew  improve  their 

minds,  who  hadn't  got  enny  minds  when  they  war  at  home; 

knowledge,  like  charity,  shud  begin  at  home,  and  then  spred. 

Afflckshuns  are  the  compliments   that  Heaven  pays  tew 

the  virtewous. 


238  AFFURISMS. 

Noboddy  but  a  phool  will  spend  hiz  time  trieiug  tew  con 
vince  a  phool. 

Time  iz  like  money,  the  less  we  hav  ov  it  teu  spare  the 
i'urther  we  make  it  go. 

The  tounge  iz  really  a  verry  fasst  member  ov  the  boddy 
politick,  he  duz  all  the  talking,  and  two-thirds  ov  the  thinking. 

Men  who  invade  the  province  uv  wimmin  are  alwus  jeered 
at,  and  how  kan  wimmin,  when  they  invade  the  province  ov 
men  expekt  tew  eskape  the  same  kind  ov  treatment. 

He  who  spends  hiz  younger  days  in  disapashun  iz  mortgag- 
ing himself  tew  disseaze  and  poverty,  two  inexorable 
creditors,  who  are  certain  tew  foreclose  at  last,  and  take 
possession  ov  the  premises. 

Thare  iz  menny  a  person  who  kan  set  a  mouse-trap  tew 
perf  eckshun,  but  not  satisfied  with  sich  small  game,  undertake 
tew  trap  for  bears,  and  git  ketched  bi  the  bears.  MORAL  : 
studdy  yure  genius,  and  stick  tew  mice. 

Young  man  don't  marry  abuv  or  below  yure  rank,  not 
that  i  think  thare  iz  evry  virtew  in  rank,  but  thare  iz  custom 
in  it,  and  custom  often  outranks  law  and  gospel. 

Let  him  go,  mi  son,  sed  an  ancient  father  tew  hiz  boy,  who 
had  caught  a  yung  rabbit,  and  when  he  gits  bigger  ketch  him 
agin.  The  boy  did  az  he  waz  told,  and  haz  been  looking  for 
that  rabbit  ever  since. 

The  world  owes  all  its  energys  and  refinement  tew  luxurys 
— digging  roots  for  brekfast  and  going  naked  for  clothes,  iz 
the  virtewous  jnnocence  ov  a  lazy  savage. 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  folks  who  eat  well,  and  drink  well,  and 
sleep  well,  and  yet  are  sick  all  the  time — theze  are  the  folks 
who  alwus  enjoy  poor  health. 

If  a  man  hits  yu,  and  you  hit  him  back,  yu  are  even,  but  if 
yu  don't  strike  back  he  iz  yure  debtor,  and  alwus  owes  yu  a 
crack. 

A  person  with  a  little  smattering  ov  learning,  iz  a  good 
deal  like  a  hen's  egg  that  haz  been  sot  on  for  a  short  time, 
and  then  deserted  by  the  hen,  it  iz  spilte  for  hatching  out 
ennything. 


PEPPER  PODS.  239 

" Pejple  ov  good  sense"  are  thoze  whoze  opinyuns  agree 
with  GUIS. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  magnificent  poverty  in  our  big 
citys,  people  who  eat  klam  soup  out  ov  a  tin  basin  with  a 
gold  spoon. 

The  place  whare  poverty,  virtew,  and  love  meet  and  wor- 
ship together,  iz  the  most  sakred  spot  in  this  universe. 

Experience  don't  make  a  man  so  bold  az  it  duz  so  careful. 

Pride  never  forgets  itself,  never  haz  a  play  spell  or  frolik ; 
it  iz  stiff  from  morning  till  night,  from  top  tew  bottom,  like 
a  sled  stake. 

Thare  ain't  but  very  little  ginowine  good  sense  in  this 
world  enny  how,  and  what  little  thare  iz  ain't  in  market,  it 
iz  held  for  a  dividend. 

Thoze  who  hav  made  up  their  minds  tew  lead  a  life  ov 
enjoyment  will  find  the  following  recipee  a  grate  help  tew 
them  :  "  To  one  ounce  ov  plezzure  add  a  pound  ov  repent- 
ance" 

Adversity  iz  a  poultess  which  reduces  our  vanity  and 
strengthens  our  virtew — even  a  boy  never  feels  half  so  good 
az  when  he  haz  just  bin  spanked  and  sot  away  tew  cool. 

Pedantry  iz  the  science  ov  investing  what  little  yu  know 
in  one  kind  ov  perfumery,  and  insisting  upon  sticking  that 
under  every  man's  knose  whom  yu  meet. 

Lieing  iz  like  trieing  tew  hide  in  a  fog,  if  yu  move  about 
yure  are  in  danger  ov  bumping  yure  lied  agin  the  truth,  and 
az  soon  az  the  fog  blows  oph  yu  are  gone  enny  how. 

Marrying  an  angel  iz  the  poetry  ov  marriage,  but  living 
with  her  iz  the  proze  ;  and  this  iz  all  well  enuff  if  the  taste  or 
the  poetry  hain't  spilte  our  relish  for  the  proze. 

The  man  who  livs  on  hope  must  pick  the  bones  ov  dissa- 
pointmeiit. 

The  Devil  iz  sed  tew  be  the  father  ov  lies,  if  this  iz  so,  he 
liaz  got  a  large  family,  and  a  grate  menny  promising  children 
aiming  them. 

Life  iz  like  a  mug  ov  beer,  froth  at  the  top,  ail  in  the  mid- 
dle, and  settlings  at  the  bottom. 


240  AFFURISMS. 

We  should  liv  in  tins  life  az  tho  we  war  walking  on  glaze 
ice,  liable  tew  fall  at  eriny  moment,  and  tew  be  laffed  at  bi  the 
bystanders. 

Men,  if  they  ain't  too  lazy,  liv  sumtimes  till  they  are  80, 
and  destroy  the  time  a  good  deal  az  follows :  the  fust  30 
years  they  spend  throwing  stones  at  a  mark,  the  seckond  30 
they  spend  in  examining  the  mark  tew  see  whare  the  stuns 
hit,  and  the  remainder  iz  divided,  in  cussing  the  stun-throw- 
ing  bizzness,  and  missing  the  rumatizz. 

This  setting  down  and  folding  our  arms,  and  waiting  for 
sumthing  tew  turn  up,  iz  just  about  az  rich  a  spekulashun  az 
going  out  into  a  four  hundred  acre  lot,  setting  down  on  a 
sharp  stone,  with  a  pail  between  our  knees,  and  waiting  for  a 
cow  tew  back  up  and  be  milked. 


HOOKS  &  EYES. 

are  people  who  dont  do  enny thing  but  watch  their 
-L  simptoms.  I  hav  seen  dogs  ackt  just  az  sensible,  i  hav 
seen  a  rat  tarrier  watch  the  simptoms  ov  a  knot  hole,  in  a 
hoard  fence,  all  day,  for  sum  rat  tew  cum  out,  but  no  rat  didn't 
cum  out. 

The  man  who  cant  do  any  hurt  in  this  world  cant  do  any 
good. 

The  grate  -art  ov  keeping  friends  iz  tew  keep  them  in  ex- 
pectancy. 

After  we  hav  got  all  a  mans  sekrets  out  ov  him  then  we 
either  dispise  him  or  pitty  him,  and  to  be  pittyed  iz  no  better 
than  to  be  dispised. 

Thare  are  people  so  addikted  tew  exagerashun.  that  they 
kant  tell  the  truth  without  lieing. 

Thare  is  no  better  evidence  ov  true  friendship  than  tew 
speak  ov  a  nians  vices  tew  hiz  face,  and  ov  his  virtews  behind 
hiz  back. 

lam  rather  favourably  impressed  with  Gm  and  Milk,  az  an 


HOOKS  &  EYES. 


extrakt,  and  think  a  minister  ov  the  gospel  mite  contend  \.l.h 
sum  ov  it,  on  the  sli,  successfully,  but  when  he  cums  to  rec- 
komend  it  tewhiz  people,  i  hav  mi  douhts  about  it,  unless  he 
knows  hiz  people  better  than  i  do. 

A  man  may  possibly  git  the   remembrance   ov   his  natiff 
country   out   ov  hiz 
mind,  but   he   never 
kan  out  ov  hiz  heart. 

I  don't  suppoze 
thare  haz  ever  lived 
in  this  world,  a  man 
who  haz  improved 
the  whole  ov  hiz  op- 
portunity and  abili- 
tys. 

"W i m m in  quite 
often  possess  supe- 
rior tallents,  but  their 
genius  lays  in  their 
pashuns. 

Love  haz  a  most 
vorashus  appetight, 
but  a  poor  digestion, 
w  hat  it  feeds  o  n 
most  alwus  distresses 
it.  Prudes,  are  coquets,  gone  to  seed.  It  iz  our  duty  tew 
pray  for  them  who  revile  and  persekute  us,  but  i  dont  kno 
az  we  are  obliged  tew  let  them  kno  it. 

Just  exackly  az  a  man  grows  pure,  he  grows  humble. 

The  less  we  know  the  more  we  suspect.  A  grate  mind  haz 
no  room  for  suspicion. 

Extreams  meet,  the  very  wisest  are  often  seen  to  do  the 
most  phoolish  things. 

It  iz  hard  tew  quit  play  while  we  are  winning.  It  iz  just 
so  in  morals,  men  seldum  undertake  tew  git  religion  az  long 
az  they  kan  git  enny  thing  else. 

The  man  who  never  told  a  lie  iz  a  well-bred  man  i  don't 
kare  if  he  sprung  from  a  dunghill. 


HOOKS    AND    ETES. 


242  AFFURISMS. 

Thare  iz  no  better  evidence  ov  wisdum  than  tew  beleave 
what  we  kant  understand. 

Trew  courage  iz  as  gentle  az  a  pet  lamb. 

"When  we  are  young  we  change  our  opinyuns  too  oftea 
When  we  are  old,  too  seldum. 

Thare  aint  no  people  in  this  world  who  makes  so  menny 
blunders  az  thoze  who  don't  beleave  "  that  enny  good  thing 
ever  came  out  ov  Nazareth." 

"We  lay  all  of  our  bad  Ink  tewsumboddy  else,  but  our  suc- 
cesses we  giv  ourself  kredit  for. 

Hurry  and  dispatch  are  often  confounded,  but  they  are  az 
unlike  az  the  habits  ov  the  pissmire  and  the  ant. 

A  dandy  in  love  iz  in  just  about  az  bad  a  fix  az  a  stick  ov 
mollassis  kandy  that  haz  half  melted. 

Thoze  who  luv  most  to  play  jokes  upon  others,  luv  least 
tew  hav  jokes  played  upon  them. 

One  ov  the  most  diffikult  things  for  an  old  person  tew  for- 
git  and  at  the  same  time  the  most  necessary,  iz  that  they  are 
no  longer  young. 

Seckond  luv  iz  like  a  seckond  case  ov  meazles — the  pa- 
shunt  alwus  haz  it  light. 

Men  in  luv  alwus  akt  like  phools  or  lunatiks,  ackordin  tew 
the  amount  ov  their  branes. 

It  iz  better  tew  be  stubborn  than  weak. 

There  iz  no  more  degrading  servitude  in  this  life  than  tew 
be  obliged  tew  flatter  another. 

Most  men  had  rather  be  ritch  than  wize. 

Fear  and  courage  both  seem  tew  be  constitutional,  for  we 
often  see  the  ignorant  the  most  courageous,  and  the  most  wize 
the  most  timid. 

About  the  best  thing  that  extreme  old  age  kan  do  for  us  iz 
tew  make  death  a  relief. 

Phools  are  alwus  a  wishing  for  sumthing. 

To  be  thoroughly  pittyed  will  take  the  courage  out  ov 
enny  man. 

Envy  iz  just  az  natral  tew  the  heart  ov  man  az  blood  iz  tew 
hiz  boddy. 


HOOKS  &  EYES  243 

When  a  doktor  looks  me  square  in  the  face  ami  kant  see 
no  money  in  me,  them  i  am  happy. 

He  who  will  flatter  another,  will  roh  him,  if  he  gits  a  good 
chance. 

Thare  might  possibly  be  sum  advantage,  in  entering  a  con- 
vent, if  we  could  eskapefrom  ourselfs,  but  go  whare  we  will, 
we  have  tew  keep  company  with  one,  who  is  able  tew  do  UB 
more  hurt,  than  enny  boddy  else. 

The  meanest  kind  ov  a  loafer  iz  he,  who  iz  willing  tew  be 
abuzed  by  every  one,  for  the  privilege  ov  abuzing  others. 

If  it  iz  really  a  blessing  tew  die,  it  must  hav  been  a  curse 
to  be  born. 

What  iz  the  principal  difference  between  poverty  and 
ritches? — poverty  kant  be  worse,  and  may  be  better;  ritches 
kan  be  better,  and  may  be  worse, — the  difference  iz  in  favor 
of  poverty. 

We  kant  have  a  better  evidence,  ov  the  perversity  ov 
human  natur,  than  the  fakt,  that  we  arrive  at  wisdom,  thru 
our  adversity,  instead  ov  thru  our  reazon. 

A  wize  man  never  dispairs,  when  hope  givs  out,  then  cums 
resignaslmn. 

The  best  way  i  kno  ov  tew  repent  ov  enny  thing,  iz  tew  do 
better  next  time. 

Fashion  alwus  lowers  a  grate  man,  but  sumtimes  elevates  a 
little  one. 

Thare  iz  nothing  more  bekuming  to  enny  man  than  humility, 
yet  it  iz  about  the  last  thing  he  thinks  ov. 

Too  mutch  reading,  and  too  little  thinking,  haz  the  same 
effekt  on  a  man's  mind,  that  too  mutch  eating,  and  too  little 
exercise  haz  on  hiz  boddy. 

The  highest  rate  ov  interest  that  we  pay  iz  on  borrowed 
trouble — things  that  are  always  a  going  tew  happen  never  do 
happen. 

Face  all  things! — even  advertisy  iz  polite  tew  a  man's  face 

A  learned  phool  iz  one  who  has  read  everything,  and  simply 
remembered  it. 

Thare  iz  no  good  substitute  for  wisdnm,  but  silence  iz  the 
best  that  haz  been  discovered  vet. 


244  AFFUEISMS. 

Confidence  iz  a  big  thing,  it  makes  a  hornet  respektable, 
and  the  want  ov  it,  iz  just  what  makes  the  pissmire  dispised. 

If  I  had  a  boy  whose  hair  wouldn't  part  in  the  middle,  I 
should  bedew  that  hair  with  a  parent's  tear,  and  then  giv  up 
the  boy. 


JAW    BONES. 

DRY   GOODS   are  worshiped  in  this  world  now   more 
than  the  Lord  iz. 

Councilling  with  fear  iz  the  way  cowards  are  made ;  coun- 
cilling  with  hope  iz  the  way  heroes  are  made ;  councilling 
with  faith  iz  the  way  Christians  are  made. 

Pleazure  iz  like  a  hornet — generally  ends  with  a  sting. 

The  most  dangerous  characters  in  the  world  are  thoze 
who  live  in  the  subburbs  ov  virtew — they  are  rotten  ice. 

Lazyness  iz  a  good  deal  like  money — the  more  a  man  haz 
ov  it,  the  more  he  seems  tew  want. 

Thare  iz  no  such  thing  az  inheriting  virfcew ;  money  and 
titles  and  fever  sores  kan  be  inherited. 

The  virtews  of  a  convent  are  like  hot-house  fruits — tender, 
but  tasteless. 

Life  iz  like  a  mountain — after  climbing  up  one  side  and 
sliding  down  the  other,  put  up  the  sled. 

When  a  man  proves  a  literary  failure,  he  generally  sets  up 
for  a  critick,  arid  like  the  fox  in  the  fable,  who  had  lost  hiz 
brush  in  a  trap,  kant  see  a  nice  long  tail  without  hankering 
tew  bob  it. 

The  devil  owes  most  ov  his  success  tew  the  fackt  that  he 
iz  alwus  on  hand. 

Coquetts  often  beat  up  the  game,  while  the  Prudes  bag  it. 

Thare  iz  only  one  excuse  for  impudence,  and  that  iz  igno- 
ranse. 

Modest  men,  in  tricing  tew  be  impudent,  alwus  git  sassy. 

Reputashun  iz  like  money — the  principal  is  often  lost  by 
putting  it  out  at  interest. 


ODS  AND  ENS.  5445 

Jealousy  is  nothing  more  than  vanity,  for  if  we  love  an- 
other more  than  we  do  ourgeli's  we  shant  be  jealous. 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  folks  in  this  world  who,  rather  than  not 
find  enny  fault  at  all,  wouldn't  hesitate  tew  say  tew  an  angle 
worm,  that  hiz  tail  waz  altogether  too  long  for  the  rest  ov  hiz 
boddy. 

Thare  iz  menny  who  are  kut  out  for  smart  men,  but  who 
won't  pay  for  making  up. 

Envy  iz  an  insult  tew  a  man's  good  sense  ;  for  envy  iz  the 
pain  we  feel  at  the  excellencies  ov  others. 

How  menny  people  thare  iz  whoze  souls  lay  in  them,  like 
the  pith  in  a  goose  quill. 


ODS  AND  ENS. 

"VTATUK  never  makes  enny  blunders.  When  she  makes 
\~\  a  phool  she  means  it. 

I  hav  finally  eum  tew  the  konklusion  that  the  majority  ov 
mankind  kan  be  edukated  on  the  back  better  than  in  the  brain, 
for- good  clothes  will  often  make  a  phool  respectable,  while 
edukashun  only  serves  tew  show  his  weak  pints. 

I  never  knu  a  man  yet  whoze  name  waz  George  Washing- 
ton Lafayette  Goodrich,  Esq.,  and  who  alwus  sighned  hiz  name 
for  the  full  amount,  but  what  waz  a  bigger  man  on  paper  than 
he  waz  by  natur. 

As  a  gineral  thing  an  individual  who  iz  neat  in  hiz  person 
iz  neat  in  hiz  morals. 

Man  iz  mi  brother,  and  I  konsider  that  i  am  nearer  related 
tew  him  thru  hiz  vices  than  i  am  thru  hiz  virtews. 

Thare  iz  nothing  about  which  the  world  makes  so  few  blun. 
ders,  and  the  individual  so  menny,  as  a  man's  acktual  impor- 
tanse  among  hiz  fellow  critters. 

A  man  with  a  very  small  head  iz  like  a  pin  without  enny, 
very  apt  tew  git  into  things  beyond  hiz  depth. 

The  pa^huns  ov  an  old  man  are  often  like  hi/  teeth,  they 


AFFURISMS. 


cease  to  trouble    him,  f  imply  bekauze   the  nerve   is   ded. 

The  only  pedigree  worth  transmitting  iz   virtew,  and  this 

iz  the  very  thing  that  kant   be   transmitted.     Affecktashun 

haz  made  more  phools 
li(M!T|      than  the  Lord  haz. 

About  the  nearest 
tew  absolute  insolven- 
cy that  a  man  kan  git 
in  this  world,  and 
think  he  iz  dicing  rich, 
iz  to  leave  nothing 
but  a  pedigree  tew 
hiz  family. 

I  don't  pretend 
tew  hav  enny  less  vile 
paslmns  than  my  na- 
bors,  but  i  do  despize 
the  person,  most  hearti- 
ly, who  caters  tew 
thoze  i  hav  got. 

The  man  who  kant 
find  enny  thing  to  do 
in  this  world,  iz  az  bad  oph  az  a  yearling  heffer. 

Thare  iz  no  pashun  ov  the  human  heart  that  promises  so 
much  and  pays  so  little  az  revenge. 

Thare  haint  no  man  yet  lived  long  enuff  in  this  world  tew 
doubt  the  infalibility  ov  hiz  judgement. 

Thare  iz  this  odds  between  a  humorous  lekter  and  a  scientif 
fick  one,  yu  hav  got  to  understand  the  humorous  lektur  tew 
enjoy  it,  but  you  kan  enjoy  the  scientiffick  one  without  under- 
standing it. 

It  iz  but  a  step  from  zeal  tew  bigotry,  but  it  iz  a  step  that 
iz  most  generally  taken. 

Don't  lay  enny  certain  plans  for  the  f ewter,  it  iz  like  plant* 
ing  tuds,  and  expekting  tew  raze  tudstools. 

No  man  yet  who  had  strength  ov  mind  enuff  ever  resorted 
tew  cunning.  Cunning  iz  haff  brother  tew  fear,  and  they  are 
both  ov  them  weakness. 


ODS  AND  ENS.  217 

Natur  once  in  a  while  makes  a  phool,  but  az  a  general  tiling 
phools,  like  garments,  are  made  tew  order. 

A  man  who  iz  good  company  for  himself  is  alwusgood  com- 
pany for  others. 

Genuine  praize  consists  in  naming  a  man's  faultz  to  hiz 
face,  and  hiz  good  qualitys  tew  hiz  back. 

One  ov  the  best  temporary  cures  for  pride  and  affektashun 
that  i  hav  ever  seen  tried  iz  sea  sickness ;  a  man  who  wants 
tew  vomit  never  puts  on  airs. 

A  fault  concealed  iz  but  little  better  than  one  indulged  in. 

r5 

"Witty  speeches  are  like  throwing  stones  at  a  target,  the 
more  time  spent  in  taking  aim,  the  less  danger thare  iz  in  hit- 
ting the  mark. 

I  have  alwus  noticed  one  thing,  when  a  peison  bekums  dis- 
gusted with  this  world,  and  konkludes  to  withdraw  from  it, 
the  world  very  kindly  lets  the  person  went. 

Woman  haz  no  friendships.  She  either  loves,  despises,  01 
nates. 

A  day  in  the  life  ov  an  old  man  iz  like  one  ov  the  last  days 
in  the  fall  ov  the  year,  every  hour  brings  a  change  in  the 
weather. 

I  love  tew  see  an  old  person  joyfull,  but  notkickuptheheels- 
full. 

A  coquette  in  love  iz  just  about  az  tame  az  a  bottle  ov  gin- 
ger pop  that  haz  stood  sum  time  with  the  cork  pulled  out. 

Human  happiness  iz  like  the  Hottentott  language,  enny 
boddy  kan  talk  it  well  enuff,  but  thare  ain't  but  phew  can 
understand  it. 

Gravity  iz  no  more  evidence  of  wisdom  than  a  paper  colar 
iz  ov  a  shirt. 

"Whatever  Providence  haz  given  us  the  fakulty  tew  do,  he 
Uaz  given  us  the  power  tew  do. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  folks  in  this  world  who  are  like 
little  flies ;  grate  bores  without  meaning  or  knowing  it. 

Great  iniquitys  seem  tew  baptize  themselfs.  If  the  devil 
had  only  been  guilty  of  petty  larcency  he  wouldn't  hav  bin 
heard  ov  agin. 


248  APFURISMS. 

The  hardest  thing  that  enny  man  kan  do  iz  tew  fall  down 
on  the  ice  when  it  iz  wet,  and  get  up  and  praze  the  Lord. 
All  the  good  injuns  die  young. 

How  menny  men  thare  is  who  argy,  just  as  a  bull  dus, 
chained  tew  a  post ;  they  beller  and  paw,  but  they  kant  git 
away  from  the  post. 

I  hav  herd  a  grate  deal  ced  about  "  "broken  hcvrtes"  and 
thare  may  be  a  f u  ov  them,  but  mi  experiense  is  that  nex  tew 
the  gizzard,  the  harte  is  the  tuffest  peace  ov  meat  in  the  whole 
critter. 

I  hav  finally  kum  tu  the  konklusion,  that  a  good  reliable 
sett  ov  bowels,  iz  wurth  more  tu  a  man,  than  enny  quantity 
ov  brains. 

A  man  with  one  idee  alwus  put  me  in  mind  ov  an  old 
goose  a  tryin  to  hatch  out  a  paving  stun. 

Thare  iz  just  about  az  mutch  real  humor  in  the  best  ov 
geniuses  az  thare  iz  juise  in  a  lemmon :  one  good  squeeze 
takes  it  out,  and  thare  iz  nothing  but  seeds  and  skin  left. 

As  in  a  game  ov  cards,  so  in  the  game  ov  life,  we  must 
play  what  is  dealt  tew  us,  and  the  glory  consists,  not  so  mutch 
in  winning,  as  in  playing  a  poor  hand  well. 

If  I  was  asked  which  was  the  best  way,  in  these  days  ov 
temptashun,  tew  bring  up  a  boy,  i  should  say — bring  him  up 
the  back  way. 

I  hav  known  folks  whose  calibre  was  very  small,  but  whose 
lore  was  very  big. 

If  a  man  begins  life  bi  being  fust  Lutenant  in  his  familee, 
lie  never  need  to  look  for  promoshun. 

A  pet  lam,  alwus  makes  a  kross  ram. 

I  never  could  cee  any  use  in  making  wooden  gods  mail  and 
femail. 


FUST  IMPRESHUNS. 

FUST  IMPKESIIUNS. 


249 


FUST  impreshuns  are  sed  tew  be  lasting.     Enny  man  who 
haz  only  been   stung  bi  a  hornet  once  will  swear   to 

this. 

The  safest  way  for  most  folks  to  do  iz  to  do  az  the  rest  do. 
Thare  aint  but  phew 
wlio    kan    navigate 
without   a  kompass. 

A  wize  man  iz 
never  konfounded  bi 
what  he  dont  under- 
stand, but  a  phool 
generally  iz. 

Yung  man,  don't 
grind  yure  scythe  all 
on  one  side ! 

I  don't  know  ov  a 
more  lamentable 
sight  than  an  old 
rake — even  repent- 
ance looks  like  a 
weakness  in  him. 

Politeness  iz  often 

wasted,  but   it  iz   a  TOST  IMPRESHUNS. 

good  and  a  cheap  mistake  tew  make.  Our  very  best  thoughts 
often  cum  tew  us  sudden,  but  seldum  perfekt.  They  require 
poli  si  n'ng  up  tew  make  them  komplete. 

Do  a  good  turn,  yung  man,  whenever  yu  kan,  even  if  yu 
hav  tew  turn  a  grindstun  to  do  it. 

Repentance  iz  generally  konsidered  a  weakness,  but  i  kno 
ov  nothing  more  indikative  ov  strength. 

Human  knowledge  iz  not  very  komprehensiv  after  all,  for 
i  hav  seen  men  who  could  kalkulate  an  eklips  to  a  dot,  who 
couldn't  harness  a  hoss  tew  save  their  lives. 

I  don't  kno  ov  a  more  diffikult  karacter  tew  fill,  nor  a  more 
butiful  one  when  filled,  than  the  command  in  the  Bible — 
"  Be  ye  az  wize  az  a  sarpent,  but  harmless  az  a  dove." 


250  AFFURISMS. 

Every  boddy  in  this  world  wants  watching,  but  none  mor« 
than  ourselves. 

Cunning  iz  very  apt  tew  outwit  itself.  The  man  who  turn 
ed  the  boat  over  and  got  under  it  tew  keep  out  ov  the  rain, 
waz  one  ov  this  kind. 

A  weak  constitushuu  kan  be  strengthened,  but  a  weak  set 
DV  branes  kan't. 

Vanity  iz  a  strange  pashun — rather  than  be  out  ov  a  job  it 
will  brag  ov  its  vices. 

All  phools  are  poor  listeners. 

About  all  it  takes  tew  make  a  wize  man  iz  tew  giv  other 
people's  opinyuns  az  mutch  weight  as  we  do  our  own. 

Flattery  iz  like  ice-kream — to  relish  good  we  want  it  a  little 
at  a  time,  and  often. 

The  more  yu  praze  a  man  who  don't  deserve  it,  the  more 
yu  abuze  him. 

Yu  kan't  natter  a  truly  wize  man — he  knows  just  how  mutch 
praze  iz  due  him ;  that  he  takes,  and  charges  over  all  the  bal- 
lance  tew  the  proffit  and  loss  ackount. 

Once  in  a  grate  while  Fortune  willacktualy  hunt  for  a  man, 
but  generally  thoze  who  are  favoured  with  her  smiles  hav  tew 
woo  them. 

Thare  seems  tew  be  a  degree  of  excentricity  attending  all, 
and  yu  will  notiss  this,  that  while  the  excentricitys  ov  a  clown 
are  quite  often  pleasant,  the  excentricitys  ov  a  grate  man  are 
most  always  disagreeable. 

I  don't  beleave  in  fatalism,  only  so  far  az  phools  and  ras- 
kals  are  concerned. 

It  iz  very  diffikult  for  me  tew  tell  whi  the  lion  should  be 
eo  strong  and  the  ant  so  weak,  when  one  iz  nothing  but  a 
grate  loafer  and  the  other  the  very  pattern  ov  industry  and 
thrift. 

How  kan  we  ever  expekt  tew  find  a  perf ekt  person  in  this 
world  when  we  kan't  even  find  one  who  iz  haff  az  good  az  he 
kan  be. 

Nu  beginners  in  literature  are  alwus  bothered  tew  find  ft 
sub  j  ekt  tew  write  on;  as  they  progress  they  are  more  troubled 
tew  find  what  tew  write  on  a  subjekt. 


FUST  IMPKESHUNS.  251 

Men  are  selduin  underrated  ;  the  merkury  in  a  man  finds 
its  true  level  in  the  eyes  ov  the  world  just  az  certainly  az  it 
duzin  the  glass  ov  a  thermometer. 

I  hav  no  doubt  but  that  the  human  hart  kontains  all  the 
pure  attributes  that  the  angels  possess,  but  no  single  human 
hart  kontains  even  a  moity  ov  them. 

Sosiety  iz  made  up  ov  the  good,  bad,  and  indifferent ;  and 
what  makes  so  mutch  trouble  iz,  the  indifferents  are  in  the 
majority. 

A  man  who  iz  neither  good  nor  bad  iz  like  an  old  musket 
laid  away,  without  any  lock,  but  a  heavy  charge  in  it. 

When  a  man  haz  dun  a  charitable  thing  without  letting  the 

~  O 

world  kno  it,  he  haz  dun  all  that  an  angel  kould  do  in  the 
premises. 

Too  mutch  ov  the  religion  in  this  world  konsists  in  kon  • 
fessing  our  sins  to  ourselfs  and  to  each  other. 

I  don't  suppoze  thare  haz  ever  lived  a  man  without  a  sin- 
gle virtew.  Even  Judas  Iskariot  "  went  and  hanged  him- 
siell" 

The  old  saying  haz  it,  "  it  iz  a  wize  child  that  knows  hiz 
own  father,"  but  in  theze  daze  ov  progreshun  it  iz  a  wize 
!'ather  that  knows  hiz  own  child. 

The  vanity  ov  most  men  iz  so  mutch  more  than  a  match 
for  their  experience  that  they  seldum  learn  enny  thing  bi  ex- 
perience. 

The  pashuns  are  like  the  wick  ov  a  lighted  kandle — they 
don't  die  out  untill  they  are  burnt  out. 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  folks  who  are  in  sich  a  grate  hurry  tew  git 
religion  that  they  confess  sins  they  aint  gilty  ov,  and  overlook 
thoze  that  they  am. 

A  man  with  a  hed  phull  ov  branes  kan  afford  tew  be 
kareless  once  in  a  while,  for  even  hiz  blunders  are  brilliant. 

Experience  inkreases  our  wizdum,  but  don't  reduse  our 
phollys. 

Buty  iz  power ;  but  the  most  treacherous  one  i  kno  ov. 

The  man  who  haz  got  into  the  habit  ov  never  making  enn* 
blunders,  iz  altogether  too  good  to  liv  in  this  world. 


252  AFFURISMS. 

"Wimmin  bi  natur  are  all  coquets,  and  men  bi  natur  ara 
all  braggarts. 

I  will  say  this  for  man — i  don't  kno  ov  enny  enterprize  ha 
haz  ever  undertaken  yet  which  had  for  its  desighn  the  gen- 
eral interest  ov  humanity,  but  what  haz  succeeded. 

If  i  am  charitable,  if  i  am  komplasent,  if  i  am  grateful,  if 
i  am  honest,  if  i  am  virtewous — what  ov  it  ? — i  hav  simply 
dun  mi  duty. 

I  am  satisfied  that  thare  aint  no  sich  thing  az  eloquent 
words.  Eloquence  lays  in  manner,  and  i  hav  even  seen  an 
eloquent  necktie. 

Style  iz  everything  for  a  sinner,  and  a  leetle  ov  it  won't 
hurt  even  a  saint. 

Gravity,  az  a  general  thing,  iz  either  the  wizdumov  a  phool 
or  the  cunning  ov  a  raskall. 

Humility  iz  a  good  thing  tew  hav,  provided  a  man  iz  sure 
he  haz  got  the  right  kind.  Thare  never  iz  a  time  in  a  kat's 
life  when  she  iz  so  humble  az  just  before  she  makes  up  her 
mind  tew  pownce  onto  a  chicken,  or  just  after  she  haz  caught 
and  et  it. 


PLUM  PITS. 

A  MAN  with  a  few  brains  iz  like  a  dorg  with  one  flea  on 
him,  dredful  oneazy. 

I  have  alwus  notised  when  an  individual  haint  got  the  ability 
tew  criticise  judiciously,  he  dams  indiskriminately. 

What  do  yu  bet  Fame  iz  2  I  bet  it  iz  climeing  a  greased 
pole  tew  win  a  puss  ov  10  dollars  and  spileing  a  suit  ov  clothea 
worth  fifteen. 

New  York  iz  a  fast  place.  If  a  man  pulls  out  on  a  phune- 
ral  procession,  jist  az  likely  az  not  the  whole  procession,  led 
bi  the  hearse  hoss,  will  strike  a  2-40  gait  and  leave  him  tew 
take  their  dust. 

Ambishun  iz  like  hunger — it  obeys  no  law  but  its  appetight 


PLUM  PITS. 


253 


There  iz  no  medicine  like  a  good  joke ;  it  iz  a  silver-coated 
pill  that  frolicks  and  phisicks  on  the  run. 

Beauty  iz  a  morning  dream  which  the  breakfast  bell  puts 
an  end  to. 

The  man  who  never  makes  enny  blunders  will  never  rise 
in.  the  esteem  ov  the  world  abuv  the  reputashun  ov  a  good 
guide-board. 

I  dont  want  enny  better  proof  ov  a  good  hod-carrier  than 
tew  hear  another  hod-carrier  say,  "He  iza  cussid  phool  and 
dont  understand  hiz  bizzness." 

Poverty  and  ritches  are  mere  imaginative  distinkshuns.  The 

man  who  kan  eat  hiz 
bread  and  be  happy  iz 
certainly  richer  than  he 
who  kant  eat  it  unless 
it  iz  spred  with  butter. 
"  Vote  early  and  vote 
often,"  is  the  Poli- 
tislnm's  golden  rule. 
D  u  unto  others  a  z 
yu  would  be  dun  by. 
I  never  knew  but  one 
infidel  in  mi  life,  and 
he  had  no  more  courage 
than  a  haft'  drowned 
kitten  jipt  pulled  out 
ov  a  swill  barrel,  and 
waz  az  afraid  tew  die 
az  the  devil  would  be 
if  he  waz  allowed  tew 
visit  this  earth,  for  a  short  seazon  to  recruit  himself. 

Debt  iz  a  trap  which  a  man  sets  and  baits  himself  and  then 
deliberately  gits  into. 

Disseaze  and  pills,  when  they  enter  a  man's  boddy,  are  like 
two  lawyers  when  they  undertake  tew  settle  hiz  affairs,  they 
compromise  the  matter  by  laying  out  the  patient. 

One  good  way  i  kno  ov  to  find  happiness  iz  not  by  boreing 


WHAT   TICKET    DO    YOU    VOTE? 


254:  AFFURISMS. 

a  hole  to  fit  the  plugg,  but  by  making  a  plugg  to  fit  the  hole, 

A  lie  iz  like  nitroglycerine,  the  best  ov  judges  kant  tell 
when  itiz  going  tew  bust  and  skatter  confushun. 

A  kicking  cow  never  lets  drive  untill  jist  az  the  pail  izfull, 
and  seldum  misses  the  mark  ;  it  iz  jist  so  with  sum  men's 
blunders. 

Az  the  flint  kontains  the  spark,  unknown  tew  itself,  which 
the  steel  alone  kan  wake  into  life,  so  adversity  often  reveals 
tew  us  hidden  gems  which  prosperity  or  negligence  would 
forever  hav  hid. 

About  one  haflf  the  pitty  in  this  world  iz  not  the  result  ov 
sorrow,  but  satisfackshun  that  it  aint  our  hoss  that  haz  had 
hiz  leg  broke. 

Most  people  when  they  cum  tew  yu  for  advice  cum  tew  hav 
their  own  opinyuns  strengthened,  not  correkted. 

Men  seem  tew  me,  now-a-days,  tew  be  divided  into  slow 
Christians  and  wide  awake  sinners. 

Thare  iz  lotsov  folks  who  are  like  a  pump,  not  ov  enny  use 
tew  themselfs,  but  simply  a  handle  and  suckshun  for  others. 

All  happiness  iz  like  gold  quartz,  thare  iz  four  quartz  ov 
stone  to  one  ounce  ov  gold. 

Hope  and  Debt  are  partners  in  trade — Hope  hunts  up  the 
customers  and  Debt  skins  them. 

Hunger  iz  a  slut  hound  on  a  fresh  track. 

Toil  swets  at  the  brow,  but  idleness  swets  all  over. 

Dispair  iz  the  ashes  ov  hope,  which  the  wind  ov  tribulashun 
skatters. 

A  man  has  got  about  done  going  down  hill  when  he  gits 
K-har  he  brags  on  hiz  lazyness  ;  such  a  kritter  is  ov  no  more 
use  tew  himself  nor  others  than  a  frozen-tew-death  rooster  in 
a  barnyard. 

He  who  spends  all  hiz  substance  in  charity  will  undoutedly 
git  his  reward  here  and  hereafter  ;  but  hiz  reward  here  wil) 
be  the  poor-house. 

Give  a  smart  child  a  pack  ov  kards  and  a  spellin  book,  and 
he  will  larn  tew  pla  a  good  game  ov  hi  lo  jak  long  before  h« 
kan  spell  a  word  ov  two  sillables. 


GNATS. 

A  lie  iz  good  for  a  short  race,  but  it  takes  truth  tew  run  thu 
heats— "Wood  will  tell." 

Thare  iz  a  huge  number  ov  souls  perambulating  around  the 
world  who  hav  bin  straining  for  years  after  a  camel  and  finally 
had  to  swallow  a  nat. 

We  should  awl  aim  at  perfeckshun,  but  no  one  but  aphool 
will  expekt  tew  reach  it. 

Pride  livs  on  itself,  it  iz  like  a  raccoon  in  winter,  keep  fatt 
bi  sucking  its  claws. 

Laffing  devils  are  the  most  dangerous.  If  i  had  a  mule  that 
wouldn't  neither  kik  nor  bite,  i  should  watch  him  dredfui 
spry  till  i  found  out  whare  hiz  malice  lay. 


GNATS. 

IDONT  kno  az  it  iz  a  very  difficult  thing  tew  be  a  good 
injun  up  in  heaven,  but  tew  cum  down  here  and  be  a  good 
iujun,  iz  just  whare  the  tite  spot  cums  in. 

Forgiving  our  enemys  haz  the  same  refreshing  effekt  upon 
our  souls  az  it  duz  tew  confess  our  sins. 

"What  a  lamentable  cuss  man  iz,  he  pittys  hiz  nabors  mis- 
fortunes, bi  calling  them  judgments  from  heaven. 

Wize  men  go  thru  this  world  az  boys  go  tew  bed  in  the 
dark,  whistling  tewr  shorten  the  distance. 

"  The  gods  help  them  who  help  themselfs."  Upon  the 
same  principle  mankind  praze  thoze  who  praze  themselfs. 

Falling  in  love  iz  like  falling  into  mollassiss,  sweet  but 
dreadful  dobby. 

Hunters  and  gamblers  are  poor  ekonemists,  they  kill  time, 
a  species  ov  game  that  kant  be  reproduced. 

Good  breeding  iz  the  art  ov  avoiding  familiarity,  and  at  the 
same  time  making  the  company  satisfied  with  you  and  pleazed 
with  themselfs. 

Tew  be  happy — take  things  az  they  cum,  and  ?et  them  go 
jist  az  they  cum. 


256  AFFUKlSMfc. 

It  takes  a  grate  deal  of  money  tew  make  a  man  ritch,  but 
it  don't  take  but  little  virtew. 

It  iz  the  little  things  ov  this  life  that  plague  us — 

Muskeeters  are  plenty,  elephants  skarse. 

What  an  agreeable  world  this  would  be  tew  liv  in  if  we 
could  pump  all  the  pride  and  selfishness  out  ov  it !  It  would 
improve  it  az  much  az  taking  the  fire  and  brimstun  out  ov  the 
other  world. 

Don't  mistake  plezzure  for  happiness ;  it  iz  entirely  a  dif- 
ferent breed  ov  dogs.  Thare  is  a  grate  deal  ov  exquisitt 
plezzure  in  happiness,  but  thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  plezzure 
that  haz  no  happiness  in  it. 

Thare  iz  only  one  thing  that  i  kan  think  ov  now,  that  i 
like  to  see  idleness  in,  and  that  iz,  in  mollassiss — i  want  mi 
mollassiss  slo  and  eazy. 

Experience  haz  the  same  effekt  on  most  folks  that  age  haz 
on  a  goose,  it  makes  them  tuffer. 

"  Sewing  Sosietys"  are  generally  places  whare  the  wimmin 
meet  to  rip  and  so — up  the  naberhood. 

A  lazy  man  iz  one  who  haz  no  time  to  spare ;  an  indus- 
trious man  iz  one  who  haz  more  time  to  spare  than  he  knows 
what  to  do  with. 

It  takes  a  smart  man  to  conceal  from  others  what  he  don't 
kno. 

A  lazy  man  alwus  works  harder  than  a  bizzy  one — the 
hardest  work  i  kno  ov,  iz  to  grunt — it  iz  harder  tew  set  still, 
and  fite  flies,  than  it  iz  tew  git  up  and  escape  from  them. 


KINDLING  WOOD. 

YOUNG   man,  when  yu  hav  tew  sarch  "Webster's  Dick' 
shionary  tew  find  words  big  enuff  tew  convey  yure 
meaning  yu  kan  make  up  yure  mind  that  yu  don't  mean 
mutch. 

We  admire  modesty  in  a  woman  for  the  same  reason  that 
we  admire  bravery  in  a  man. 


KIXDLIXG  WOOD. 


257 


Geauine  grief  iz  like  penitence,  not  klaniorous  but  subdued  ; 
sorrow  from  the  hous  tops  and  penitence  in  a  market  place 
shows  more  ainbishun  than  piety. 

About  the  best  thing  that  experiense  kan  do  for  us  iz  tew 
learn  us  how  tew  enjoy  mizery. 

It  iz  a  grate  art  tew  kno  how  tew  "  gather  figs  from  this- 
tles, but  philosophy  teaches  it. 

The  reazon  whi  so  phew  people  are  happy  in  this  world  iz 
bekauze  they  mistake  their  boddys  for  their  souls. 

We  are  poor  not  from  what  we  need,  but  from  what  we 
want  ;  necissitys  are  not  only  natral,  but  cheap. 

I  had  rather  hav  a  drop  ov  pepmint  ile  than  a  quart  ov 
yepmint  essence  —  i  had  rather  drink  out  ov  a  spring  than 

tew  drink  a  hundred 


reazon,  when  I  read  a 
book  it  iz  one  written 
by  an  old  author 
whoze  thoughts  the 
modern  writer  haz 
attempted  tew  im- 
prove bi  diluting. 

This  world  iz 
phull  ov  heros  and 
heroines,  and  the 
reason  whi  so  menny  . 
ov  them  live  unno- 
ticed iz  bekause  they 
adorn  every  day  life 
and  not  an  ockashim. 
All  suckcess- 
ful  flirts  hav  sharp 
eyes,  one  eye  they 

keep  on  yu  and  one  on  the  other  phellow. 

Vanity  iz  called  a  discreditabel  pashun,  but  the  good  things 

that  men  do  kan  oftner  be  traced  tew  their  vanity  than  tew 

their  virtew. 


258  AFFUUISMS. 

Man  iz  a  liily  eddikated  animal. 

Don't  never  phrovesy,  ynng  man,  for  if  yu  phrovesy 
wrong,  noboddy  will  forgit  it,  and  if  yu  phrovesy  right 
noboddy  will  remember  it. 

Tounge-tied  wimmin  are  very  skarse  and  very  valuable. 

Excentricitvs  when  they  are  natral  are  sum  indikashun  ov 
a  superior  mind;  thoze  who  think  different  from  others  are 
apt  tew  ackt  different. 

Vain  men  should  be  treated  az  boys  treat  bladders,  bio 
them  up  till  they  bust. 

It  iz  a  grate  art  tew  be  superior  tew  others  without  letting 
them  kno  it. 

Thare  iz  not  only  plum  but  thare  is  virtew  in  a  harty  laff ; 
animals  kant  laff  and  devils  won't. 

Don't  never  quarrel  \vith  a  loafer.  Skurrillity  iz  hiz  trade ; 
yu  never  kan  make  him  ashamed,  but  he  iz  sure  tew  mak  yu. 

I  hav  alwus  noticed  that  he  iz  the  best  talker  whoze 
thoughts  agree  with  our  own. 

lie  who  ackquires  wealth  dishonestly  iz  too  corrupt  tew 
enjoy  it. 

When  beset  with  misfortins  we  should  do  az  the  sailors  do 
in  a  gale — run  before  the  wind. 

Adversity  iz  the  tire  that  tempers  the  iron  ov  man  into 
steel. 

I  never  had  a  man  cum  tew  me  for  advise  yet  but  what  i 
soon  diskovered  that  he  thought  more  ov  hiz  own  opinyun 
than  he  did  ov  mine. 

E(Kikashun  that  don't  learn  a  ma.i  now  tew  think  iz  like 
knowing  the  multiplikashun  forward  but  not  bak wards. 

Suckcess  in  this  life  iz  like  watching  for  a  rat — the  rat  :;• 
quite  az  app  tew  cum  out  at  the  other  eend  ov  the  hole. 

Adversity  haz  the  same  effek  on  a  phool  that  a  hornet  u. ;-: 
on  a  mule — it  sets  them  tew  kikinjj  bak. 

O 

One  ov  the  privileges  ov  old  age  seems  tew  be  tew  giv 
advise  that  noboddy  will  phollow,  and  relating  experienced 
that  every  boddy  distrusts. 

An  ill-natured  old  man  and  an  old  clmwcd  up  bull  tarrier 


KINDLING  WOOD.  '259 

are  just  the  things  tew  set  side  bi  side  sumwhare  in  the  sun, 
and  fite  flies  for.  amuzement ! 

Yice  in  the  young  fills  us  with  horror — in  the  old,  with 
disgust. 

Ambishun  iz  az  natral  tew  the  soul  ov  man  az  blood  iz  tew 
hiz  boddy.  Thare  ain't  a  shu  blak  on  the  face  ov  the  earth 
but  what  beleaves  he  kan  "shine  em  up"  a  leetle  better  than 
enny  one  else. 

The  only  thing  that  we  are  positively  sure  ov  in  this  life 
seems  tew  be  the  only  thing  that  we  think  aint  never  a  going 
tew  happen,  and  that  iz — death. 

The  grate  desire  ov  mi  life  iz  tew  amuze  sumboddy.  I 
had  rather  be  able  tew  set  the  multiplikashun  table  tew  sum 
lively  tune  than  tew  hav  bin  the  author  ov  it. 

The  man  who  never  makes  enuy  blunders  seldum  makes 
enny  good  hits. 

Truth  iz  the  only  thing  that  Time  cannot  destroy,  and 
Eternity  cannot  dispense  with. 

Life  iz  short,  but  if  yu  notis  the  way  most  people  spend 
their  time,  yu  would  suppoze  that  life  waz  everlasting. 

The  grate  advantage  ov  good  breeding  iz  that  it  makes  the 
phools  endurable. 

The  snobs  are  all  either  half-breeds  or  dunghills. 

Forms  and  cerimonys  are  just  az  mutch  necessary  in  the 
church  az  uniforms  are  in  the  field ;  strip  an  army  oV  its 
cockades  and  brass  buttons,  and  it  would  bekum  a  mob. 

Ill  bred  people  are  alwus  the  most  cerimonius,  the  kitchen 
alwus  beats  the  parlor  in  punktillio. 

If  yu  want  tew  be  good,  all  yu  hav  tew  do  is  tew  obey  God, 
luv  man,  and  hate  the  devil. 

Politeness  iz  the  cheapest  investment  I  kno  ov,  it  iz  like 
lighting  another  man's  kandle  bi  yours. 

I  rather  admire  the  insolent  civility  ov  a  bull-tarrier,  whe 
<»:ily  growls  when  .i  pass  by  him,  but  i  never  did  like  it  in  a 
man. 

To  be  a  good  critic,  requires  more  brains  and  judgment 
than  most  men  possess. 


2f>0  AFFUK1SMS. 

It  requires  more  good  judgment  to  kno  when  tew  talk,  than 
what  tew  say. 

The  reason  whi  comik  lektring  is  so  hard  tew  do,  iz  bekauze 
most  people  go  tew  hear  it  out  ov  kuriosity,  and  kuriosity  iz 
the  hardest  kind  ov  a  thing  tew  suit. 

Good  books,  mi  dear,  are  the  best  friends  yu  kan  hav,  they 
never  will  cloy,  and  never  will  betray  you. 

A  complasent  man  makes  every  boddy  pleased  with  him, 
and  what  iz  more,  pleazed  with  themselfs. 

If  we  couldn't  neither  laff  nor  kry,  what  miserable  kritters 
we  should  be. 

When  a  man  gits  so  low  down  that  he  iz  willing  tew  bo 
despized,  he  has  tuched  bottom. 

After  all,  great  conversashional  powers  make  a  man  moro 
feared  than  beloved. 

In  grate  crowds  ov  persons,  like  grate  floks  ov  birds,  thare 
iz  mutch  more  noise  and  chattering  than  sense. 

Thare  are  but  dredful  phew  people  who  kan  talk  ten  min- 
nits  tew  yu  without  lugging  into  the  conversashun  their  bak 
or  stummuk  akes. 


PHISH  BAWLS. 

SINS  are  the  only  things  that  I  repent  ov,  i  never  could 
make  ennything  repenting  ov  blunders. 

I  thank  the  Lord  for  this,  we  all  ov  us  hav  some  good  thing 
tew  lay  our  bad  Ink  to  besides  ourselfs. 

Whisky  friends  are  the  most  unprofitable  ones  i  kno  ov, 
they  are  alwus  reddy  tew  drink  with  yu,  but  when  yu  are 
reddy  tew  drink  with  them,  then  they  aint  dry. 

I  look  upon  a  pure  joke  with  the  same  venerashun  that  i  do 
upon  the  10  commandments. 

Yu  kant  hire  a  man  tew  be  honest,  he  will  want  hiz  wages 
raized  every  morning. 

The  most  suckcessful  men  i  hav  ever  known,  are  those  who 
are  konstantly  making  blunders,  but  never  seem  tew  kno  it 


PHISH  BAWLS.  2fi', 

I  kno  plenty  ov  folks  who  are  so  kondeni  kontrary,  that  if 
they  should  fall  into  the  river,  they  would  insist  upon  floating 
up  stream. 

One  ov  the  most  reliable  phrophets  i  kno  ov  iz  an  old  hen, 
they  dont  phrophesy  enny  egg,  untill  after  the  egg  haz  hap- 
pened. 

Mi  opinyun  iz,  and  will  kontinue  tew  be,  that  the  phools 
hav  done  about  az  mutch  hurt  in  this  world  az  the  malishus  hav. 

Temper  should  be  curbed,  not  broken. 

I  dont  kno  ov  enny  thing  in  this  world,  that  iz  worth  more, 
than  money  that  iz  honestly  got,  and  virteuously  spent. 

The  truly  great  are  alwus  the  eazyest  tew  approach. 

Fun,  deviltry,  and  death,  lurk  in  the  wine-cup. 

I  wouldn't  undertake  tew  korrekt  a  mans  sektarian  views 
enny  quicker  than  i  would  tell  him  which  road  tew  take  at  a 
•1  corners,  when  i  didn't  know  miself  which  waz  the  right  one. 

I  haven't  mutch  doubt  that  man  sprung  from  the  monkey, 
but  what  bothers  me,  iz,  whare  the  cussid  monkey  sprung  from. 

After  a  man  haz  got  a  good  opinyun  ov  himself,  the  next 
best  thing  iz  tew  hav  the  good  opinyun  ov  others. 

Most  enny  boddy  thinks  they  kan  be  a  good  phool,  and  they 
kan,  but  tew  play  the  phool  good  iz  not  so  handy. 

It  may  be  a  leetle  vexashus,  but  i  don't  konsider  it  enny 
disgrace  tew  be  bit  bi  a  dog. 

Abuse  generally  iz  helthy,  but  sumtimes  it  cums  from  so 
low  a  source  that  it  don't  do  a  man  enny  good. 

It  takes  more  time  and  tallents  tew  be  a  suckcessful  hypo- 
krit  than  it  duz  tew  be  a  Christian. 

Thare  are  but  phew  things  that  we  suffer  more  misery  from 
than  we  do  from  cowardice. 

The  cluss  intimacys  ov  old  age  seem  tew  konsist  in  kom~ 
pareing  gouts  and  rumatiss. 

Mankind  in  general  seem  tew  take  about  az  mutch  pride  in 
bragging  ov  their  faults  az  ov  their  virtews. 

About  the  best  that  enny  ov  us  kan  do  iz  tew  konceal  our 
phailings. 

Persons  ov  the  koldest  nature  when  they  do  love,  "eve  the 


262  AFFURISMh. 

fiercest — so  green  wood  when  it  gits  tew  burning  makes  the 
hottest  fire. 

Suckcess  iz  az  hard  tew  define  az  falling  oph  from  a  log,  a 
man  kant  alwuss  tell  exackly  how  he  did  it. 

Thare  iz  one.  pashun  (and  itiz  the  meanest  one)  that  no  mar, 
who  haz  ever  lived,  haz  been  free  from,  and  that  iz  envy. 

Indolence  iz  one  ov  the  strongest  pashuns,  because  it  iz  one 
ov  the  most  natral  ones. 

Integrity  in  vouth  iz  allmost  certain  tew  bekum  wisdum, 

G  V  •- 

and  honor  in  old  age. 

Thare  iz  1:0  person  worth  being  jealous  ov  who  iz  willing 
tew  be  the  kause  ov  it. 

"Wise  men  hav  but  phew  konfidants,  and  cunning  ones,  none. 

Heaven  iz  ever  kind  tew  ns,  she  puts  our  humps  on  our 
backs,  so  that  we  kant  see  them. 

The  genuine  Christians  are  the  lafimg  ones,  the  man  who 
haz  tew  watch  hiz  morality  all  the  time  for  fear  it  will  kik  up 
its  heels  iz  phull  ov  the  devil's  oats. 

Hunting  for  a  honest  man  iz  just  about  as  mutch  like  work 
az  tricing  tew  trace  out  a  kat's  pedigree. 

Most  ov  the  excentricitys  we  meet  with  amung  men  iz  mere 
affektashun. 

Pashunce  iz  a  good  thing  for  a  man  tew  hay,  provided  he 
don't  hav  too  mutch  ov  it ;  thare  iz  a  point  at  which  pashuuce 
begins  tew  be  ignorance. 

Take  the  mistery  out  ov  things  and  they  lose  two-thirds  of 
their  attrack-shun. 

When  a  man  iz  thoroughly  lazy,  he  iz  good  for  nothing  onlj 
tew  shoot  at. 

Thare  would  be  but  mighty  phew  sekrets  in  this  world  if 
folks  would  tend  tew  their  own  bizness. 

The  man  who  wears  out  iz  like  a  nimble  sixpence — he  iz 
alwns  worth  the  face,  and  keeps  bright  to  the  last. 

Yu  may  make  a  mistake  in  a  man's  kapacity,  but  yu  kant 
in  hiz  vanity. 

Xatur  never  haflf-finishes  a  job,  nor  underlets  a  kontrakt. 

Take  all   the  dangers  out  ov  this  world  and  it  would  be  a 

o 

coward's  paradise. 


PU1S1I  BAWLS. 

Thare  ain't  ennything  that  will  kompletely  kure  lazyness. 
bat  i  hav  known  a  seckond  wife  tew  hurry  it  sum. 

A  good  naturd  man  luiz  got  one  ov  them  kind  ov  souls 
that  will  gro  ennytliing  that  ix  planted  in  it,  good,  had,  or 
indiffirent. 

•  Human  happiness  iz  sntch  an  eazy,  simple  thing  that  thoze 
who  hav  the  most  ov  it  kno  it  the  least. 

Thare  are  men  in  this  world  whom  flattery  makes  stronger, 
bekauze  it  makes  them  more  kareful ;  but  sutch  men  are  skarse. 

Yn  kant  larn  a  piggin  tew  fli  slo,  nor  a  snail  tew  trot  fast. 

The  only  safe  way  for  most  people  tew  git  along  in  this 
world  5z  tew  watch  others,  and  do  jist  az  they  do. 

Human  happiness  iz  like  Joseph's  coat — a  thing  of  menny 
colors. 

I  kant  tell  which  iz  the  wuss  off,  the  man  who  iz  all  hed  and 
no 'heart,  or  the  one  who  iz  nil  heart  and  no  lied. 

Hope  iz  no  flatterer — she  cheats  every  body  alike,  but  after 
all,  iz  the  best  friend  we  have  got. 

Every  boddy  seems  tew  dispize  a  hippokrit — God,  man,  and 
the  devil. 

An  idle  man  iz  always  a  bizzy  one — he  spends  all  hiz  time 
hunting  for  nothing  to  do. 

Thare  are  but  phew  people  in  this  world  who  make  more 
trouble  than  a  bizzy  phool. 

Knowledge  iz  power  no  doubt,  but  it  iz  not  always  virtew— 
thare  are  sum  people  who  only  ednkate  their  vices. 

Every  man  should  kno  sumthing  ov  law — if  he  knows  enuff 
tew  keep  out  ov  it,  he  iz  a  pretty  good  lawyer. 

Waiting  for  a  ded  mans  shoes  iz  just  az  mean  az  stealing 
the  shoes  before  the  man  dies. 

The  best  reformers  are  thoze  who  are  all  the  time  tricing 
tew  reform  themselfs,  thus  presenting  tew  the  world  one  good 
example,  worth  at  least  a  dozen  precepts. 

Rum,  dice,  and  lust  bring  all  men  tew  one  common  level. 


About  the  only  difference  between  the  poor  and  the  ritch, 
Is  this,  the  poor  suffer  misery,  while  the  ritch  hav  tu  enjoy  it. 


264: 


The  time  tew  pray  is  not   when  we  are  in  a  tigh.'  spot,  but 

jist  as  soon  as  we  git  out  ov  it- 
There  iz  2  things  in  this  life  for  which  we  are  never  fully 

prepared,  and  that  iz  twins. 

Yn  ma  make  a  whissel  out  ov  a  pig's  tale,  but  if  yu  du, 
you'll  find  you've  spilte  a  very  worthy  tale,  and  got  a  devilish 
poor  whissel. 


I 


STEAY  CHILDREN. 

DONT  think  thare  iz  ennything  that  a  man  iz  remarkable 
for,  that  iz  more  kultivated,  than  hi/  excentricitys. 
Thare  iz  this  diffrence  at  least,  between  wit  and  humor, 

wit  makes  yu  think, 
humor  makes  you 
laff. 

I  luv  praze,  but 
despise  flattery. 

I  wouldn't  giv  a 
shilling  a  pound  for 
religion  that  yu  kant 
take  ennywhere  out 
into  the  world  with 
yu,  even  tew  a  hoss 
race,  if  yu  hav  a 
mind  tew,  without 
losing  it. 

Tew  do  nothing, 
and  tew  be  ov  no 
use  tew  ennyboddy, 
iz  the  privilege  ov 
wild  beasts. 

The  best  way  tew 
convince  a  phool  he  iz  wrong,  iz  tew  let  him  har  biz  own 
way. 


STRAY   CHILDREN. 


STltAY  CHILDREN.  ^05 

The  very  tiling  that  most  men  think  they  have  got  the 
most  ov,  they  hav  got  the  least  ov,  and  that  iz  judgement. 

A  man  iz  vain  just  in  proportion  tew  hiz  pliolly,  and  wize, 
just  in  proportion  tew  hiz  humility. 

A  vain  man,  flushed  with  success,  spreads  himself  like  a 
peakock,  in  a  fair  day,  but  when  hiz  hour  ov  trial  cums,  like 
a  peakock,  in  a  wet  day,  he  folds  hiz  spread,  "  and  steals 
silently  away." 

When  vice  leaves  an  old  man,  it  iz  no  ways  certain  that 
virtew  takes  the  place  ov  it,  for  sin  sumtimes  quits  us  bekause 
it  haz  nothing  to  feed  on. 

Alwus  foller  yure  own  advise,  and  let  other  folks  foller 
theirs. 

People  who  havn't  got  ennything  tew  say,  kan  always  find 
the  most  tew  talk  about. 

Most  folks  think,  if  they  were  tew  liv  their  lives  over  agin, 
they  would  do  different,  but  i  hav  never  heard  enny  ov  them 
propose  to  liv  better. 

It  seems  very  natral  for  all  ov  us  to  think  that  the  world 
would  git  along  very  poorly,  if  it  want  for  us,  and  if  thare 
want  but  one  man  left  on  the  face  ov  the  earth,  he  would 
think  just  so  too. 

The  luxurys  ov  life,  which  are  so  often  reprimandid,  are 
after  all  the  prinsipal  promoters  ov  industry. 

Miinny  ain't  akumulated  so  mutch  tew  satisfy  wants,  as 
tew  kreate  them. 

It  iz  a  very  wize  man  who  is  able  tew  hide  his  ignorance. 

"Wisdum  iz  another  name  for  genius,  and  both  are  the  gift 
of  God. 

A  man  kant  learn  tew  be  wize,  enny  more  than  he  kan 
learn  tew  be  hansum. 

One  man,  of  good  40  hoss  power  common  sens,  iz  worth 
more  in  the  world  than  a  whole  drove  of  geniuses. 

Fools  and  drunken  men  alwus  make  this  mistake,  the  one 
thinks  they  are  sensible,  and  the  other  alwus  think  they  are 
sober. 

Deference  iz  the  best  kard  i  know  ov  tew  play,  it  iz  not 


20G  AFFUKISMS. 

only  enzier,  but  a  grate  deal  more  profitable  to  make  10  men 
think  they  are  abuv  you,  than  tew  make  one  think  you  art 
abuv  him. 

Don't  forgit,  ynng  man,  that  excesses  in  youth  are  a  mort- 
gage in  favor  ov  disseaze  by  and  by,  which  will  not  fail  to  for- 
close  and  enter  on  the  premises. 

I  hav  made  a  kluss  kalkulaehun  on  it,  and  i  find  that  there 
aint  more  than  3  men,  now  on  earth,  nor  never  haint  been, 
who  kan  kultivate  an  excentricity  with  suckcess. 

I  hate  a  crowd,  bekau^e  crowds  are  made  upov  people  who 
aint  ov  much  ackount,  only  tew  help  make  up  a  crowd. 

Don't  bony  nor  lend,  but  if  you  must,  do  one,  lend. 

Giv  me  an  inkum  ov  10  thousand,  500  a  year,  and  i  will 
agree  tew  be  a  philosopher  the  rest  ov  mi  days. 

He  whom  prosperity  humbles,  and  adversity  strengthens 
is  the  true  hero. 

Faith  beats  both  wisduin  and  learning. 

Envy  and  jealousy  are  two  pashunz,  which  no  man  haz 
ever  yet  been  free  from,  and  yet  no  man  ever  admits  he  iz 
possessed  of  them. 

Take  all  the  good  luk  out  ov  this  world,  and  millionaires 
and  heroes  would  be  dredful  skarse. 

Genius,  like  the  yung  eagle,  don't  hav  tew  make  enny  trial 
tiips,  but  when  it  iz  full  fledged,  pushes  boldly  out,  even 
towards  the  sun. 

Fortune  iz  represented  az  blind,  and  thoze  who  receive  most 
ov  her  favours  go  it  blind. 

If  thare  want  no  evil  in  this  world,  thare  wouldn't  be  much 
wisdum,  i  suppoze. 

It  iz  the  little  things  ov  life  that  makes  the  burden  heavy — 
to  carry  a  hundred  weight  at  once  iz  no  grate  load,  but  tew 
hav  it  put  on  our  backs,  a  pound  at  a  time,  iz. 

Men  are  often  praized  for  their  sagassity,  but  all  the  fore 
sight  in  the  world  kant  tell  a  dubble  yelked  egg  untill  it  iz 
broken. 

Haven't  yu  ever  seen  a  little  child  tri  tew  pik  up  four  apples 
with  its  little  hands  at  once,  and  spill  at  least  two  ov  them? 


STIJAY  CHILDREN.  207 

Men  are  konstantly  trieing  the  same  game,  with  the  same  kind 

ov  suckcess. 

One  way  tew  define  love  iz,  that  it  makes  usphealphunny 
and  akt  phoolish. 

Love  feeds  on  hopes  and  fears,  and,  like  the  chameleon, 
takes  its  color  from  what  it  feeds  on. 

Silence  makes  but  phew  blunders,  and  thoze  it  kan  easily 
korrekt. 

Thare  iz  hardly  enny  man  so  wicked  but  that  he  respekts 
virtew  for  the  protekshun  it  affords  him. 

The  further  advances  a  man  makes  in  knowledge,  the  less 
satisfied  he  iz  with  what  he  knows. 

Gallantry  may  possibly  be  defined  az  the  politeness  ov 
flattery. 

My  yung  friend,  don't  forgit  one  thing — however  cunning 
yu  may  be,  the  eazyest  man  in  all  the  world  for  yu  tew  cheat 
iz  yureself. 

Az  good  a  way  az  i  kno  ov  tew  git  at  enny  man's  honesty, 
iz  tew  divide  what  he  claims  tew  hav  by  four,  and  then  guess 
at  what's  left. 

The  text  which  haz  been  most  preached  from  by  the  human 
family  iz  vanity. 

Thare  are  az  menny  old  phools  in  this  world  az  yung  ones, 
and  the  old  ones  are  the  sillyest. 

The  publik  judge  ov  a  man  by  his  suckcess. 

Avarice  eats  up  everything,  even  ekonemy. 

Hope  iz  a  blind  guide,  but  whare  will  you  find  a  better 
one? 

I  like  a  wide-awake  Christian,  one  whoze  virtew  has  got 
fome  kayenne  pepper  in  it. 

Indolence  may  not  be  a  crime,  but  it  iz  liable  tew  be  at  enny 
time. 

I  am  satisfied  thare  is  more  imaginary  trouble  in  this  world 
than  real. 

Most  ov  us,  when  we  repent  ov  our  sins,  think  it  iz  a  change 
ov  heart,  when  in  fakt,  it  iz  only  a  fear  ov  punishment. 

I  hav  sumtimes  thought  that   the  man  with  menuy  vices, 


268  AFFURISMS. 

was  safer  than  with  one,  for  the  inenny  vices  often  wear  each 
other  out,  while  the  one  wears  the  man  out. 

Thare  iz  a  time  for  all  things,  thare  is  a  time  tew  pray,  and 
thare  iz  a  time  to  say  amen,  rool  up  yure  sleeves  and  pitch  in. 

"  Reform  !  Reform  /"  this  iz  too  often  the  watchword  ov 
mere  charlatans. 

Thare  iz  but  very  phew  men  whoze  wisdum  lasts  them  their 
lives  out. 

Thare  iz  hipokrits  in  vice  az  well  az  in  virtew ;  i  have  seen 
men  affekt  the  rcke  and  the  roue,  whoze  best  holt  waz  the 
katekism. 

It  iz  hard  work  for  us  tew  luv  a  man  who  haz  no  faults  noi 
failings. 

He  who  sues  for  suckcess  don't  git  it  so  often  az  he  who 
demands  it. 

Suckcess  iz  a  coquet,  and  a  bashful  lover  never  wins  her. 

No  woman  yet  waz  ever  satisfied  to  be  a  prude,  who  could 
be  a  suckcessfnll  coquet. 

Flattery  iz  just  like  cheeze,  or  ennything  else  we  deal  in, 
the  supply  is  alwus  regulated  bi  the  demand. 

If  all  the  vanity  should  leave  this  world,  haff  the  virtew 
would  go  with  it;  thare  iz  no  telling  how  menny  ov  us  are 
simply  proud  ov  our  various  virtews. 

Blood  ain't  nothing,  munny  and  clothes  iz  what  tells. 

The  things  in  this  world  that  are  the  best  done  show  the 
least  sighns  ov  labour,  yet  they  are  the  most  diffikult  to  do  ; 
the  reason  ov  this  iz,  bekauze  they  are  so  natral. 

It  iz  eazy  enuft',  perhaps,  for  us  tew  tell  what  we  admire, 
esteem  and  respekt,  in  a  man,  but  tew  tell  what  we  love  ain't 
so  eazy. 

Amung  the  vast  number  ov  phools  in  this  world  thare  iz 
only  a  phew  who  are  born  so. 

Accepting  praize  that  iz  not  our  due  iz  not  mutch  better 
than  tew  be  a  receiver  of  stolen  goods. 

Thoze  who  have  once  tasted  the  joys  ov  Humility  will  tell 
yu  that  it  iz  the  sweetest  cup  their  Heavenly  Father  ever  held 
to  their  lips 


INK  BRATS.  269 

INK  BEATS. 

I  THANK  Heaven  for  one  thing,  that  thare  iz  not  in  thia 
wide  world  a  human,  or  inhuman  being,  that  i  would  not 
rather  help  than  hurt.  I  find  this  sentiment  in  mi  conscience, 
or  i  wouldn't  dare  claim  it,  and  i  kno  mi  own  conscience 
better  than  enny  boddy  else  duz. 

Better  lend  jure  dimes  tew  a  stranger  than  yure  affeck- 
shuns.  Better  lend  yure  dollars  to  enny  boddy  than  yure 
dolors.  Silence  iz  venerable ;  if  thare  iz  enny  thing  older 
than  the  Creator,  it  must  hav  bin  silence. 

The  l)uty  ov  gratitude  iz  that  a  beggar  kan  be  az  grateful 
az  a  prince,  and  the  jD0MWOv  gratitude  iz  that  '*  I  thank  you," 
makes  the  beggar  equal  tew  the  prince.  A  good  conscience 
iz  the  best  friend  we  kan  hav,  and  a  bad  one  the  worst,  becauze 
it  never  deserts  us. 

Put  not  oph  till  to-morrow  what  can  be  enjoyed  to-day. 

Marrid  life  iz  too  often  like  a  game  ov  checkers — the  grate 
struggle  iz  tew  git  into  the  king  row. 

Fear  makes  evry  thing  and  evry  body  masters  over  us  ;  it 
iz  the  wust  slavery  thare  iz. 

How  common  it  iz  tew  see  folks  laff  vividly  without  mean- 
ing enny  thing ;  this  i  kail  heat  lightning. 

I  say,  owe  no  man  ;  owing  iz  but  little  better  than  stealing. 

We  are  governed  more  by  opinyun  than  we  are  bi  con- 
science ;  this  iz  giving  up  a  noble  prerogative,  and  playing  a 
very  poor  seckond  fiddle. 

The  man  who  iz  striktly  honest,  and  nothing  over,  haint 
got  enny  thing  more  tew  brag  on  than  a  pair  ov  steelyards  haz. 
Sum  ov  the  meanest  cusses  i  ever  knu  had  got  tew  be  so 
honest,  bi  long  praktiss,  that  they  could  guess  at  a  pound. 

If  a  man  haint  got  grit  enuff  tu  stand  the  temptashun  ov  a 
gin  cocktail,  how  kan  he  fight  a  real  diffikulty  when  he  gits 
a  chance  ? 

Awl  plezzures  are  lawful  that  don't  end  in  making  us  feel 
sorry. 

The  man  who  kan  be  proud  in  the  presence  ov  kings,  hum- 


270  AFFUKISMS. 

ble  when  lie  communes  with  himself,  sassy  tu  poverty,  and 
polite  tu  truth,  iz  one  ov  the  boys. 

Xatur  duz  awl  lier  big  and  little  jobs  without  making  enny 
furse ;  the  earth  goes  around  the  sun,  the  moon  changes,  the 
eklipses,  and  the  pollywog,  silently  and  taillessly,  bekums  a 
i'rog,  but  man  kant  even  deliver  a  small-sized  4th  ov  July 
orashun  without  knocking  down  a  mountain  or  two,  and  tare- 
ing  up  three  or  four  primeval  forests  by  the  bleeding  rutes. 

Dutys  are  privileges. 

Liberty  iz  a  just  mixture  ov  freedom,  restraint  and  protek- 
tion. 

Advice  iz  like  kastor-ile,  eazy  enuff  to  give,  but  dredful 
aneazy  tew  take. 

A  good  conscience  iz  a  foretaste  ov  heaven. 

Thare  iz  few,  if  enny,  more  suggestive  sights  tew  a  philoso- 
pher, than  tew  lean  agin  the  side  ov  the  wall,  and  peruse  a 
clean,  pliatt,  and  well  disiplined  baby,  spread  out  on  the  floor, 
trieing  tewsmash  a  hammer  awl  tew  pieces  writh  a  looking  glass. 

Evry  man  kan  boast  ov  one  admirer. 

If  yu  would  be  successful  in  corekting  the  iniquitys  ov  the 
people,  fire  at  their  vices,  not  at  the  people ;  the  trew  way  to 
abuze  a  drunkard  iz  to  brake  hiz  jug. 

Life  iz  a  pimktuated  paragraff,  disseazes  are  the  commas, 
sickness  the  semicolons,  and  death  the  full  stop. 

No  man  iz  ritch  who  wants  enny  more  than  what  he  haz  got. 

Don't  giv  outward  appearances  awl  the  credit,  the  spirit  ov 
a  handsum  boot  iz  the  little  tut  that  iz  in  it. 

I  don't  beleaf  in  bad  luck  being  sot  for  a  man,,  like  a  trap, 
but  i  hav  known  lots  ov  folks,  who  if  thare  waz  enny  fust 
rate  bad  luck  lieing  around  loose,  would  be  sure  tew  git  one 
foot  in  it  enny  how. 

The  man  who  wrote,  "  I  would  not  liv  always,  I  ask  not  tew 
sta,"  probably  never  had  been  urged  sufficiently. 

Thare  iz  a  kind  ov  acktive  lazyness,  it  works  on  its  viktims 
just  az  the  wicked  flea  duz  on  the  feelings  ov  an  old  house 
dogg,  he  hopps  up  quick,  but  drops  down  agin  sudden,  in  the 
s:ime  spot. 


INK   BKATS.  271 

The  man  who  controls  hiz  pashuns  sits  at  the  helm  ov  hiz 
ship. 

It  iz  very  diffikult  tew  kalkulate  upon  suckcess,  unless  a  man 
sets  up  for  a  phool — in  this  department,  i  hav  known  hun- 
dreds to  succeed,  contrary  tew  their  expektashuns. 

I  don't  want  enny  better  evidence  that  ;i  man  iz  a  phool 
than  tew  see  him  cultivate  excentricitys. 

The  man  who  kan  conceal  hiz  real  karakter  when  he  iz 
drunk,  or  in  a  pashion,  haz  got  a  giant  karakter. 

1  have  found  out  that  happiness  konsists  in  working  hizzy 
12  hours,  sleeping  8  hours,  and  playing  checkures  4  hours,  out 
ov  every  24. 

Mankind  loves  misterys — a  hole  in  the  ground,  excites  more 
wonder  than  a  star  in  the  heavans. 

"  Experience  iz  a  good  schoolmaster,"  hut  reason  iz  a  better 
one. 

A  Pedant  iz  a  lernt  phool — pedantry  iz  a  little  knowledge 
on  parade —  pedantry  iz  hypocrasy,  without  enny  malice  in  it. 

All  the  good  men  in  this  world  hav  got  the  same  kind  ov 
religion,  it  iz  only  the  ded-beats  frauds,  and  hypokrits,  whoze 
religion  differs. 

Pride  iz  a  looking-glass,  into  which  men  look,  and  seeing 
themselfs,  they  strut,  and  stick  up  their  noze  at  other  folks. 

How  on  arth  kan  we  trust  man  kind,  or  woman  kind,  when 
thare  aint  one  out  ov  ten  ov  them,  dare  trust  themselfs. 

Thare  iz  2  kinds  ov  Faith,  faith  ov  the  brains,  thisiz  nothing 
more  than  shrewdness — and  faith  ov  the  heart,  this  iz  humility, 
haff  sister  to  virtew. 

Yu  will  notis  one  thing,  all  good  talkers  are  good  listeners. 

Adversity  iz  a  goddess  with  frozen  smiles. 

If  I  had  the  privilege  ov  making  the  Eleveii-.ii  Command- 
ment,  it  would  be  this — owe  no  man. 

Young  ones  and  dogs  ? — thoze  who  are  the  legist  able  to  sup- 
port them,  generally  hav  the  most  ov  them. 

Sum  folks,  az  they  gro  older,  gro  wizer;  but  most  folks 
simply  gro  stubbornner. 

People  travel  to  learn ;  most  ov  them  (before  they  start) 
^u^ld  learn  to  travel. 


AFFURISMS. 


I  donrt  beleave  in  fighting ;  i  am  soleimy  aginst  it;  but  if  a 
man  gits  ten  fighting,  i  am  also  solemly  aginst  hiz  gitting 
licked.  After  a  fight  iz  once  opened,  all  the  virtew  thare  iz 
in  it  iz  tew  lick  the  other  party. 

Slander  iz  like  the  tin  kittle  tied  to  a  dorg's  tale — a  very 
good  kind  ov  kittle  BO  long  az  it  ain't  our  dorg'g  tale. 


LIGHTNING  BUGS. 

PLEZZURES  make  folks  acquainted  with  each  other,  but 
it  takes  trials,  and  grief,  tew  make  them  know  each  other. 
It  iz  a  curious  fakt,  that  the  meanest  pashuns  ov  our  heart 

are  the  strongest  when 
we   hav    srrown   old, 


& 

grown 
and  the  best  ones,  the 
weakest. 

Truth  dont  require 
the  aid  ov  elegant, 
and  high  stepping 
words,  tew  express  its 
force,  or  buty,  it  iz 
like  water,  tastes  bet- 
ter out  ov  a  woodden 
bucket,  than  it  duz 
out  ov  a  golden  gob- 
let. 

Them  folks  who 
are  sudden,  aint  apt 
tew  be  solid  ;  lively 
streams  are  a  1  w  u  s 


LIGHTNING    BUGS. 


Az  we  gro  older,  what  we  gain  in  experience,  we  looze 
in  zest,  thnre  iz  a  real  relish  in  occasionly  being  phooled. 


LIGHTNING  BUGS.  273 

About  the  meanest  critter  thare  iz  now  travelling  around 
loose,  on  the  breast  ov  the  earth,  iz  a  bashful  hypokrite. 

Solitude  iz  the  idleness  ov  natur. 

Thare  iz  az  much  flop  in  sum  ov  our  politicians,  az  thare 
iz  in  a  bukwheat  slapjak,  on  a  hot  griddle. 

Amuzements  are  one  ov  the  wize  things  ov  life,  and  wo 
should  try  not  to  appear  in  them,  more  redikilus,  than  happy. 

A  home  that  iz  filled  with  contenshun,  iz  the  Devils  levee. 

Cheerful  old  girls,  are  the  bridesmaids  ov  sosiety. 

No  man  who  only  luves  himself,  kan  ever  taste  ov  peace. 

A  man  who  haint  got  enny  pride,  iz  like  a  dog,  who  haint 
got  enny  strength  to  hiz  tail. 

Vanity  iz  the  superstition  ov  pride. 

Pure  religion  iz  like  good  old  hyson  tea,  it  cheers,  but  don't 
intoxikate. 

I  often  meet  in  mi  travels  bigoted  Christians,  who  seem  tew 
think,  they  are  the  guardian  angels  ov  all  the  virtew  in  the 
world,  such  men  would  hav  us  think,  they  are  bills  ov  ex- 
change, on  the  kingdom  ov  heaven,  when  in  reality,  they  are 
only  bogus  postal  currency,  which  passes  amung  men,  by  gen- 
eral consent,  provided  it  iz  decently  well  executed. 

I  prefer  an  open,  and  brass-mounted  villain  tew  a  soft, 
tumid,  panting  hypokrit,  who  iz  az  unsafe  az  a  sleeping 
snake. 

"  Beware  ov  the  dog  /"  also  ov  the  whispering  man,  and  the 
loud-talking  woman. 

Piety,  like  beans,  duz  the  best  on  a  poor  sile. 

A  good  wife  iz  a  sweet  smile  from  heaven. 

Angels  handle  the  dice  when  doublets  are  thrown  in  the 
cradle. 

If  I  waz  going  tew  pick  up  some  snake,  i  certainly  should 
take  holt  of  the  further  end  ov  him,  this  iz  the  way  i  handle 
all  ov  my  subjekts,  i  find  them  less  guarded  thare. 

A  man  don't  alwus  grow  wize  az  he  grows  old,  but  alwus 
grows  old  az  he  grows  wize. 

The  biggest  phool  in  this  world  haint  bin  born  yet ;  thare 
iz  plenty  ov  time  yet. 


AFPUKI8M8. 

A  petted  child  iz  like  a  bile  that  won't  cum  tew  a  hed. 

Publik  honours,  in  this  country,  are  quite  often  like  the 
pcock's  tail,  fust  rate  for  a  spread,  but  after  they  are  shut  up, 
the  glory  goes  with  the  tail. 

I  had  rather  be  a  pot-bellied  seed  cowcumber,  flung  care 
lessly  on  a  wood  pile  to  ripen,  than  tew  be  an  old  bachelor. 

Cannon  balls — are  the  bulbous  plants  ov  Liberty. 

Thare  iz  no  grater  fun  for  me  than  tew  prick  a  bladder — 
windy  folks  will  please  make  a  note  ov  this. 

Contentment  iz  mere  instinkt,  reazon  teaches  us  that  thare 
ain't  no  sich  thing,  nor  hadn't  ought  tew  be  enny  sich  thing, 
in  this  world. 

About  az  good  a  way  tew  learn  people  az  enny  tew  respekt 
yu,  iz  tew  run  over  them ;  if  yu  let  them  run  over  yu  they 
certainly  won't. 

1  hope  i  shall  never  hav  so  mutch  reputashun  that  i  shan't 
feel  obliged  to  be  alwus  civil. 

Thare  seems  tew  be  this  difference  between  an  old  widdow- 
er  and  an  old  bachelor  ;  the  widdower  livs  upon  faith,  and  the 
bachelor  on  hope,  and  this  ackounts  for  the  widdower  alwus 
beating  the  bachelor  in  a  ring  fight,  for  the  hand  ov  beauty. 

Marrying  tew  suit  other  folks  iz  the  prudery  ov  politeness ; 
i  should  as  soon  think  ov  begging  pardon  ov  a  thorn,  for  run- 
ning agin  st  it. 

An  Englishman  correkts  hiz  mistakes  before  he  makes  them  ; 
a  Yankee  afterwards. 

Fashions 'are  made  for  sum  folks,  and  sum  folks  are  made 
for  fashion. 

Thoze  people  who  hav  a  grate  deal  ov  perfekt  propriety,  •' 
notiss,  don't  hav  mutch  ov  enny  thing  else. 

Tew  enjoy  a  good  reputashun,  giv  publickly,  and  steal  pri- 
vately. 

I  hav  got  a  dredful  poor  opinyun  ov  all  religious  creeds ;  a 
man  who  depends  upon  a  creed  tew  keep  him  pious,  iz  no 
better  than  he  whom  the  penalty  for  stealing  keeps  put  ov 
jail. 


PARBOILS.  275 

PARBOILS. 

IT  is  a  good  sign  when  praize  makes  a  man  behave  better. 
Proverbs,  are  like  arrows,  they  fly  not  only  fast  but 
straight. 

Onr  wants,  after  awl,  make  most  ov  our  happiness,  when 
we  hav  got  awl  we  want,  then  cums  fear  lest  we  loze  what  we 
hav  got,  and  thus  possession,  fails  tew  be  happiness. 

Dangers  are  sum  like  a  kold  bath,  very  dangerous  while  you 
stand  stripped  on  the  bank,  but  often  not  only  harmless,  but 
invigorating,  if  you  pitch  into  them. 

Cunning  iz  the  dishonesty,  and  therefore  the  weakness  ov 
wisdum. 

Wise  men  are  like  a  watch,  they  hav  open  countenances 
enutf,  but  dont  show  their  works  in  their  face. 

Love  is  a  natral  pashion  ov  the  heart,  while  friendship  iz  a 
necessary  one,  and  awl  hearts,  however  mutch  they  love, 
reserve  a  sly  corner  for  what  they  call  friendship. 

About  the  best  that  kan  be  sed  ov  grate  wealth  iz,  that  it 
iz  the  means  ov  grace. 

When  i  see  a  poor,  and  proud  aristokrat,  purtiklar  about 
punktillio,  he  alwus  puts  me  in  mind  ov  a  drunken  man,  trie- 
ing  tew  walk  a  crack. 

Take  awl  the  prophecys  that  hav  cum  tew  pass,  and  awl 
that  hav  caught  on  the  center,  and  failed  tew  cum  tew  time, 
and  make  them  up  into  an  average,  and  yer  will  find,  that 
buying  stock,  on  the  Codfish  Bank  ov  Nufoundland,  at  50 
per  cent,  for  a  rise,  iz,  in  comparison,  a  good  spekulatiff  bizzi- 
ness. 

It  iz  awl  important  that  fashion  should  be  perfumed  with 
az  mutch  morality  az  possible,  for  it  controls  more  people 
than  law  or  piety  duz. 

7  per  cent  haz  no  rest,  nor  no  religion,  it  works  nights,  and 
Sundays,  and  even  wet  days. 

Thare  iz  az  mutch  difference  in  takt,  az  thare  is  in  the 
strength  ov  gunpowder;  sum  kinds  ov  takt,  lokate  their 
bullets,  not  only  right  between  the  eyes,  but  deep  in  the 


276  AFFUKISMS. 

meat,  while  other  kinds  hit  everything  but  the  center  ;  and 
glance  oph  at  that. 

Genius  iz  like  a  hop  vine,  it  will  run,  and  spread  enny  how 
and  hav  a  whole  lot  ov  haft  wild  hops  on  it,  but  tew  be  a 
good  krop,  it  must  be  poled,  and  cut  back,  and  suckered. 

Precept,  iz  a  buck  saw,  experience  the  elbow  grease,  that 
runs  the  cussed  thing. 

Thare  iz  this  difference  between  talent,  and  genius,  one  iz 
a  blood  houn,  that  follows  only  by  scent,  the  other  a  grey 
houn,  that  runs  only  by  sight. 

Thare  iz  nothing  more  dangerous  tew  most  men  than 
praize,  it  iz  like  filling  them  up  with  gunpowder,  find  putting 
a  slow  match  tew  them. 

"Do  unto  others  az  yu  would  hav  them  do  unto  yu." 
Praize  in  others  what  yu  would  like  to  hav  praized  in  yu,  iz 
the  very  sublimity  ov  blowing  yure  own  trumpet. 

If  we  would  be  happy  in  this  world  and  in  the  world  to 
cum,  we  should  live  az  tho  this  day  waz  our  last  here,  and 
tommorow  our  first  in  eternity. 

Ceremony  iz  the  necessity  ov  phools ;  good  breeding  iz  the 
luxury  ov  the  wise. 

Tew  be  agreeable  iz  simply  tew  be  easily  pleazed — if  this 
is  so,  how  easy  and  pleasant  it  is  tew  be  agreeable. 

He  whom  the  good  praize  and  wicked  hate  ought  tew  be 
satisfied  with  hiz  reputashun. 

It  has  been  ascertained,  by  a  learned  professor,  in  Yale 
College,  that  the  wicked  work  50  per  cent  harder,  tew  git  to 
hell,  than  the  righteous  do,  to  reach  Heaven — what  a  waste 
of  time  and  muscle  ! 

Thare  is  menny  who  wont  know  enny  thing  but  what  they 
kan  prove — this  akounts  for  the  little  they  know.  Most 
people  hev  found  out  sumhow,  that  they  "  kant  serve  God 
and  mamon  too,"  and  so  they  serve  mamon. 

Excentricitys,  most  ov  them,  are  mere  vanity,  banish  the 
excentrik  man  into  a  wilderness,  and  he  soon  bekums  az 
natral  a  tudstool.  A  pure  heart  iz  like  a  looking  glass,  it 
keeps  no  sekrets,  and  dispenses  no  flattery. 


NEST  EGGS.  277 

A  cheerful  old  man,  or  old  woman,  iz  like  the  sunny  eido 
ov  a  wood-shed,  in  the  last  ov  winter. 

Avarice  iz  like  a  grave  yard,  it  takes  all  that  it  kan  git,  and 
givs  nothing  back.  Paint  a  humming  bird,  sucking  honey 
from  a  flower,  and  yu  hav  got  a  verry  good  piktur  ov  love, 
tricing  teu  liv  upon  buty. 

The  best  investment  I  kno  ov,  iz  charity,  yu  git  yure  prin- 
ciple back  immediately,  and  draw  a  dividend  every  time  you 
think  ov  it. 

Everything  on  this  earth  iz  bought  and  sold,  except  air  and 
water,  and  they  would  be  if  a  kind  Creator  had  not  made  the 
supply  too  grate  for  the  demand. 

A  good  book  iz  like  a  good  law. 

Politeness  looks  well  to  me  in  every  man,  except  an 
undertaker. 

"Familiarity  breeds  kontempt."  This  only  applies  tew 
men,  not  tew  hot  bukwheat  slapkakes,  well  buttered  and 
sugared. 

A  man's  reputashun  iz  something  like  hiz  coat,  thare  iz 
certain  kemikals  that  will  take  the  stains  and  greaze  spots 
out  ov  it,  but  it  alwus  haz  a  second-handed  kind  ov  a  look,  and 
generally  smells  strong  ov  the  kemikals. 

We  are  happy  in  this  world  just  in  proporshun  as  we  make 
others  happy — i  stand  reddy  tew  bet  50  dollars  on  this  saying. 

Politeness  iz  the  science  ov  gitting  down  on  your  knees 
before  folks  without  getting  your  pantaloons  dirty. 

The  mizer  and  glutton,  two  facetious  buzzards — one  hides 
hiz  store  and  the  other  stores  hiz  hide. 

Credit  iz  like  chastity ;  they  both  ov  them  kan  stand  temp- 
tashun  better  than  they  kan  suspicion 


NEST  EGGS. 

IT  iz  hard  work  when  we  see  a  man  ketching  fish  out  ov 
a  hole,  tew  keep  from  baiting  our  hook,  and  throwing  in 
thare  too. 


278 


AFFUKISMS. 


Good  naturiz  the  daily  bread  ov  life. 
The  wealth  ov  a  person  should   be  estimated,  not  bi  th« 
amount  he  haz,  but  bi  the  use  he  makes  ov  it. 
Phools,  like  phishes,  alwus  run  in  skools. 
What  chastity  iz  tew  a  woman,  credit  iz  tew  a  man. 
It  iz  a  wize  man  that  watches  himself,  and  a  phoolish  one 

that  watches  hiz  na- 
bors. 

Vanity  iz  often 
mistaken  for  wit, 
but  it  iz  no  more 
like  it  than  gravity 
iz  like  wisdum. 

Thare  iz  this  dif- 
ference between  a 
cunning  man  and  a 
wize  one — the  cun- 
ning one  looks  thru 
a  mikriskope,  the 
wize  one  thru  atele- 
ekope.  Vanity  iz 
the  chief  ingredient 
in  every  human 
harte. 

Yer  will  find    i* 
az  kormnon  amung 
slaves  and  paupers  az  amung  kings  and  princes. 

Bizzy  boddys  are  like  pissmires,  alwus  in  a  grate  hurry 
about  nothing. 

One  grate  reazon  whi   every  bodcly  likes  the  falls  ov  Ni- 
agara so  mutch  iz,  bekauze  no  one  kan  make  one  like  it. 
Thare  iz  sum  hope  ov  a  man  who  iz  wicked,  but  not  weak. 
Debt  iz  like  enny  other  kind  ov  a  trap,  eazy  enuff  tew  git 
into,  but  hard  enuff  tew  git  out  ov. 

Thare  iz  no  kind  ov  flattery  so  powerful,  so  subtle,  and  at 
the  same  tune  so  agreeable  az  deference. 


NEST   EGGS. 


NEST  EGGS.  279 

Bare  necessitys  will  support,  life  no  doubt,  so  will  the  worki 
support  a  watch,  but  they  both  want  greasing  once  in  a  while, 
jist  a  leetle. 

Philosophy  iz  a  very  good  kind  ov  a  teacher,  and  yu  may 
be  able  tew  liv  by  it,  but  yu  kant  liv  on  it — hash  will  tell. 

Lazyness  weighs  eighteen  ounces  to  the  pound. 

The  history  ov  life  iz  tew  hope  and  be  disapointed,  the 
viktory  iz  to  "  never  say  die." 

The  way  tew  Fame  iz  like  klirnbing  a  greast  pole ;  thare 
aint  but  phew  kan  do  it,  and  even  then  it  don't  pay. 

It  iz  dredful  eazy  tew  mistake  what  we  think  for  what  we 
know  j  this  iz  the  way  that  most  ov  the  lies  git  born  that  are 
traveling  around  loose. 

Ambishun  iz  like  a  tred  wheel ;  it  knows  no  limits ;  yu  no 
sooner  git  tew  the  end  ov  it  than  you  begin  agin. 

We  are  never  in  more  danger  ov  being  laft  at  than  when 
we  are  laffing  at  others. 

Free  living  leads  tew  free  thinking,  free  thinking  leads  tew 
free  loveing,  and  free  loveing  leads  to  the  devil. 

It  iz  az  hard  work  tew  make  a  weak  man  upright  az  it  iz 
an  empty  bag. 

Good  breeding  seems  tew  be  the  art  ov  being  superior  tew 
most  people,  and  equal  tew  all,  without  letting  them  kno  it. 

Children  are  like  vines ;  they  will  klimb  the  pole  yu  set  up 
for  them,  be  it  krooked  or  strate. 

Happiness  iz  not  only  the  choicest  posseshun,  but  tho 
cheapest ;  it  kosts  nothing,  if  you  only  think  so. 

Idleness,  like  industry,  iz  ketching. 

The  devil  iz  the  father  ov  lies,  but  he  failed  tew  git  out  a 
pattent  for  hiz  invenshun,  and  hiz  bizzness  iz  now  suffering 
from  competishun. 

Maxims  tew  be  good  should  be  az  sharp  az  vinegar,  az  short 
ftz  pi  krust,  and  az  trew  az  a  pair  ov  steelyards. 

A  nickname  will  outlast  all  a  man's  deeds,  be  they  good, 
bad,  or  indifferent. 

Phun  iz  the  best  phisick  i  kno  ov ;  it  iz  both  cheap  and 
durable. 


280  AFFURISMS. 

Consilience  iz  onr  private  sekretary. 

The  three  gratest  luxurys  ov  life  are,  a  klear  conshience,  a 
good  appetight,  and  sound  slumber. 

Fashion  iz  like  fire,  a  good  servant,  but  a  bad  master. 

The  gay  are  alwns  looking  ahead,  and  the  sad  are  always 
looking  back  ;  it  iz  a  grate  pitty  they  don't  change  works  with 
each  other. 

A  pedant  iz  a  very  learned  individual,  who  mistakes  a  pop-gun 
for  a  pistill. 

Perseveranse  will  conker  enny  thing  but  muskeeters ;  the 
only  way  tew  conker  them  iz  tew  bak  out. 

A  bigot  iz  a  kind  ov  human  ram,  with  a  good  deal  ov  wool 
over  hiz  eyes,  but  no  horns. 

Jt  dont  require  but  a  phew  branes  tew  make  up  an  atheist, 
for  the  less  a  man  knows  the  less  he  generally  beleaves. 

The  man  who  tries  tew  please  everyboddy  iz  az  fickle  bi 
natur  az  a  puppy. 

riezzure  iz  like  mollassiss,  tew  mutch  ov  it  spiles  the  taste 
for  everything. 

The  most  miserable  people  i  kno  ov  are  thoze  who  make 
plezztire  a  bizzness ;  it  iz  like  sliding  down  a  hill  25  miles  long. 

Thare  iz  no  seed  so  sure  tew  produce  a  big  yield  az  wild 
oats,  and  the  krop  iz  repentance. 

Politeness  iz  like  ginger-pop,  there  ain't  mutch  nourishment 
in  it,  but  it  haz  a  pleazant  pop  and  a  refreshing  flavor. 

Profane  swaring  in  a  man  iz  like  continual  crowing  in  a 
barn-yard  rooster,  a  plan  tew  keep  their  courage  or  importanse. 


CHICKEN  FEED. 


iz  one  kritter  in  this  world  whoze  trubbles  yu  kant 
-L  console,  and  she  iz — a  setting  hen. 

Thoze  persons  who  spend  all  ov  their  spare  time  watching 
their  simptoms,  are  the  kind  who  enjoy  poor  health. 

Whenever  a  minister  haz  preached  a  sermon  that  pleazef 


CHICKEN  FEED.  281 

the  whole  congregitshun,  lie  probably  haz  preached  one  that 
the  Lord  wont  endorse. 

Evry  boddy  seems  tew  be  willing  to  be  a  phool  himself,  but 
he  kant  bear  tew  hav  ennyboddy  else  one. 

Truth  iz  the  edict  ov  God. 

The  philosophers,  az  a  class,  are  a  sett  ov  oldgmnnys,  who 
possess  grate  knowledge,  part  ov  which  haz  bin  handed  down 
tew  them,  and  the  ballance  they  guess  at. 

About  the  fust  and  the  last  thing  a  human  being  duz  in 
this  world,  iz  tew  shed  tears. 

Thare  iz  no  grater  proff  ov  the  power  of  love  than  that  the 
crimes  committed  in  its  interests  are  in  a  measure  hallowed. 

I  kan  tell  exackly  how  mi  nabors  yung  ones  ought  tew  be 
fetched  up,  but  i  -aint  so  clear  about  mi  own. 

A  loafer  iz  a  person  who  iz  willing  tew  be  abuzed  for  the 
privilege  ov  abusing  others. 

Thare  iz  sum  folks  in  this  world  who  spend  their  whole 
time  hunting  after  rhighteousness  and  haint  got  enny  spare 
time  tew  praktiss  it. 

Adversity  haz  the  same  effekt  on  a  man  that  severe  train- 
ing duz  on  the  pugilist — it  reduces  him  tew  his  fighting 
waight. 

Natur  kan  be  improved  upon  often  with  good  effekt,  but  to 
alter  it  generally  spiles  the  whole  thing. 

Affliktions  are  like  the  summers  sun — they  wilt  for  the  pur- 
puss  ov  ripening. 

If  yu  want  to  find  out  a  man's  real  disposishun,  take  him 
when  he  iz  wet  and  hungry.  If  he  iz  aimable  then,  dry  him 
and  fill  him  up,  and  you  hav  got  an  angel. 

The  man  who  haz  never  bin  tempted,  dont  kno  how  dis- 
honest he  iz. 

Thare  iz  nothing  like  a  sick  bed  for  repentance.  A  man 
bekums  so  virtewous  that  he  will  often  repent  ov  sins  that  ho 
never  haz  committed. 

Three  skore  year  and  ten  iz  the  time  allotted  to  man,  and 
it  iz  enuff.  If  a  man  kant  suffer  all  the  misery  he  wants  iu 
that  time^  he  must  be  knumb. 


282  AFFURISMS. 

It  dont  take  mutch  tew  prove  a  truth.  It  iz  only  a  lie  thai 
requires  grate  argumentatiff  ability. 

Listen  tew  every  mans  opinyuns,  disagree  with  none,  but 
confide  in  yure  own.  This  iz  a  kind  ov  flattery  that  wrongs 
no  one. 

What  a  man  gains  in  cunning  he  alwus  lozes  in  wisdum. 

He  who  wont  beleave  ennything  he  kant  understand,  aint 
so  wize  az  a  mule — for  they  will  kick  at  a  thing  they  doiit 
expekt  tew  reach. 

All  ov  us  are  anxious  tew  liv  tew  be  very  old,  but  not  one 
in  ten  thousand  kan  fill  the  karakter  ov  an  old  man. 

Money  iz  like  grain — it  iz  never  so  well  invested  az  when 
it  iz  well  sown. 

A  bigot  iz  a  religious  coward  trying  tew  play  the  autokrat. 

Money  never  made  a  man  disgraceful  yet,  but  men  have 
often  made  money  disgracefull. 

How  menny  people  thare  iz  who  only  go  into  society  just 
for  the  purpose  ov  telling  over  their  akes  and  pains,  their 
gripes  and  grunts  1  Such  people  ought  tew  be  sent  at  once  to 
the  pest  house. 

Health  can  be  bought,  but  yu  hav  got  tew  pay  for  it  with 
temperance,  at  the  highest  rates. 

Give  me  warm  friends  and  bitter  enemys  about  haff  and 
hafF.  He  who  haint  got  an  enemy  on  arth,  kant  show  a  friend 
that  will  stick  to  him  thru  thik  and  thin. 

Every  time  a  man  laffs  harty,  he  takes  a  kink  out  ov  the 
chain  that  binds  him  to  life,  and  thus  lengthens  it. 

Beauty  iz  the  melody  ov  the  features. 

I  hav  alwus  bore  it  in  mind  that,  jist  about  in  rasho  that  a 
person  or  individual  iz  proud  and  hauty,  they  are  ignorant. 

Beleaving  and  disbeleaving  iz  oftner  an  effort  ov  the  will 
than  ov  the  understanding. 

It  iz  a  lucky  thing  that  epitaffs  dont  appear  on  a  man's 
tumestun  untill  he  haz  gone  dead.  If  they  were  published 
while  he  waz  living,  what  an  insult  most  ov  them  would  be 
tew  hiz  reputashun. 

I  think  Adam  waz  the  weakest  man  i  ever  read  ov.     Ht 


HARD  TACK.  283 

committed  the  most  sin,  with  the  least  amount  ov  temtashun, 
ov  enny  person  history  iz  familiar  with. 

One  ov  the  surest  sighns  ov  an  intelligent  civilizaslmn  iz 
tew  see  amung  the  masses  a  beknming  respekt  and  reverence 
for  the  aged. 

Before  yu  undertaik  tew  change  a  man's  politiks  or  religion, 
be  sure  yu  hav  got  a  better  one  to  offar  him. 

Altho  the  world  iz  chuck  full  ov  liars,  thare  IT.  but  few  men 
who  dont  prefer  tew  listen  tew  the  truth. 

No  man  ever  got  hiz  bread  by  preaching  wisdum.  Philos- 
ophy iz  a  good  thing  tew  preach,  but  a  cussed  poor  tiling  tew 
liv  on. 

Tew  be  forgiven,  weakens  us  ;  but  tew  forgiv  others,  weak 
ens  them. 

I  hav  lived  in  this  world  jist  long  enuff  tew  look  karefullv 
the  seckond  time  into  things  that  i  am  the  most  certain  ov  the 
fust  time. 

Great  men  are  seldum  intimate.  They  are  too  jealous  to 
love  or  esteem  each  other. 


HARD  TACK. 

I  DONT  like  tew  speak  disrespekfullness  agin  ennyboddys 
near  relashuns,  but  i  hav  made  up  mi  mind  that  Eve  waz 
a  phool,  and  that  Adam  waz  a  bigger  one. 

Too  mutch  religion  iz  wuss  than  none  at  all.  Yu  kant  sho 
me  a  kuntry  that  haz  existed  yet,  whare  the  people,  all  ov 
them,  professed  one  religion  and  persekuted  all  other  kinds, 
but  what  the  religion  ruined  the  country.  (I  paws  for  a  repli.) 

It  iz  a  good  thing  for  thoze  who  hav  bin  sinful  tew  turn 
over  a  nu  leaf,  but  it  often  happens  that,  in  doing  this,  they 
turn  over  two  leaves  at  oust,  and  bekum  so  suddenly  vir- 
tewous  that  they  freeze  up  stiff. 

It  iz  better  tew  kno  nothing  than  tew  kno  jist  enuff  tew 
doubt  and  tew  differ. 


284 


AFFURISMS. 


Charity  is  like  a  mule,  a  good  servant  but  a  bad  master. 
When  charity  gits  entire  control  ov  a  man's  affairs,  it  runs  th« 
affairs  and  the  man  both  into  the  ground. 

Selfishness  iz  the  alter  which  every  man  sets  up  in  hiz  soul 
and  asks  hiz  conscience  to  be  high  priest  ov  the  cerimonys. 

Cunning,  at  best,  only  duz  the  dirty  work  ov  wisdum,  and 
tharefore  i  dispize  it. 

Hartes  and  dimonds  are  the  two  strong  suits  for  a  woman 
to  hold — klubs  and  spades  for  man. 

I  kant  see  what  woman  wants  enny  more  rights  for ;  she 
beat  the  fust  man 
born  into  the  world 
out  ov  a  ded  sure 
thing,  and  she  kan 
beat  the  last  one 
with  the  same  kards. 

The  man  who  kan 
stand  abuse  kan  gen- 
erally stand  prosper- 
ity. The  only  way 
tew  beat  the  devil 
iz  tew  fite  him  with 
the  Bible  in  one 
hand  and  a  sword  in 
the  other. 

If  i  could  only 
praktiss  az'well  az  i 
kan  preach,  i  would 

not  thank  a  man  tew  • ,  HARD  TACK. 

[  warrent    me   in    this^world ,  nor  in    the   world  tew   cum. 

The  kream  ov  a  joke  dont  never  lay  on  the  top,  but  alwus 
at  the  bottom.' 

Whenever  i  see  a  man  anxious  tew  git  into  a  fite  that  dont 
belong  tew  him,  i  am  alwus  anxious  tew  hav  him,  for  i  kno 
he  iz  certain  tew  be  the  wust  whipped  man  in  the  party. 

About  all  thare  iz  in  mans  natur  that  iz  natral  iz  hiz  sins, 
and  about  all  thare  iz  in  his  natur  that  iz  kultivated  iz  hiz  way 
ov  hiding  thoze  sins. 


HARD  TACK.  28.") 

Pashunce  iz  oftner  the  result  ov  numbness  than  it  iz  ov 
principle. 

I  dont  kno  how  it  iz  with  other  pholks,  but  with  me,  the 
fall  ov  the  Roman  empire  iz  a  grate  deal  eazier  tew  bear  than 
a  fall  on  the  ice. 

I  dont  think  thare  ever  waz  a  human  being  yet,  who  haz 
met  deth  without  expekting  in  the  last  extremity  tew  be 
saved  from  it ;  even  our  Saviour  uttered  that  wonderful  exkla- 
mashun,  "  My  God  !  my  God  !  why  hast  thou  forsaken  me  ? " 

I  am  glad  ov  one  thing,  that  i  am  keenly  alive  tew  mental 
and  phisikal  suffering — i  had  az  soon  be  a  hydraulik  ram  az 
tew  be  able  to  sit  down  and  hav  a  big  dubble  tooth  jerked 
out  without  winking. 

Thare  are  but  phew  men  weak  enuff  tew  admit  their  jeal- 
ousys — even  a  disgraced  rooster,  in  a  barn-yard,  will  git  a 
little  further  off  and  begin  tew  crow  up  a  new  reputashun. 

Thare  haz  been  more  men  in  this  world  burnt  at  the  stake 
for  serving  the  Lord  than  for  serving  the  devil,  and  thare  al- 
wus  will  be. 

I  alwus  did  admire  the  malice  ov  the  mule — if  a  freak  ov 
fortune  had  made  me  as  unfortunate  among  men  az  the  mule 
iz  amung  animals,  i  would  begin  tew  kick  at  things  a  mile 
and  a  naff  off. 

Men  no  doubt  owe  mutch  ov  their  suckcess  in  this  world 
tew  chance,  but  chances  dont  go  for  a  man,  the  man  must  go 
for  the  chances. 

Econeme  iz  simply  the  art  ov  gitting  •  the  wuth  ov  our 
money. 

Tew  work  iz  the  grate  law  ov  natur — if  the  woodchuck 
dont  dig  a  hole  he  wont  hav  one,  it  iz  trew  he  may  steal  one, 
but  then  sum  other  woodchuck  will  have  tew  dig  two. 

Human  happiness  iz  a  dredful  hard  thing  tew  define.  I 
hav  seen  a  man,  perfektly  happy  without  enny  shirt  tew  hiz 
back,  bekum  suddenly  furious  bekauze  sumboddy  had  given 
him  one,  the  collar  ov  which  wan't  starched  stiff  enuff. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  bad  Ink  lieing  around  loose  in  this 
world,  but  it  iz  publick  property,  it  dont  belong  tew  enny- 
boddy  in  pertikular. 


286  AFFURISMS. 

Things  haz  got  so  now.  if  a  man  stops,he  iz  a-going  tew  be 
run  over,  for  thare  aint  no  man  ov  consequentz  enuff  tew  stop 
the  whole  proceshun. 

If  I  waz  a-going  tew  civilize  a  parcel  of  heathen  on  sum 
distant  ile  by  the  job,  i  should  debate  sum  time  in  mi  mind 
which  tew  send,  dancing-masters  or  missionarys. 

We  speak  ov  ''foiling  in  love"  without  always  thinking 
that  it  iz  the  only  way  tew  git  in  love — we  all  stumble  into 
it,  and  kan  seldmn  tell  how  or  why. 

One  ov  the  very  best  things  a  man  kan  say  when  he  haz 
reazonable  doubts  what  lie  ought  tew  say,  iz  tew  say  nothing. 

It  iz  a  disgrace  tew  enny  man  tew  be  feared. 

Sychophants  arealwus  the  fust  ones  tew  be  sakrificed  when 
disasters  cum. 

In  a  world  like  this,  whare  thare  iz  at  least  five  false  things 
to  one  that  iz  true,  guessing  iz  poor  bizzness. 

The  best  kind  ov  advice  tew  foller  iz  that  which  agrees 
with  our  own  opinyun. 


SOLLUM  THOUGHTS. 

THE  fear  ov  God  iz  the  philosphy  ov  religion  ;  the  love 
ov  God  iz  the  charity  of  religion. 

Hope  iz  a  hen  that  lays  more  eggs  than  she  kan  hatch  out. 

Better  leave  yure  child  virtew  than  money  ;  but  this  iz  a 
seliret  known  only  tew  a  few. 

I  honestly  beleave  it  iz  better  tew  know  nothing  than  two 
know  what  ain't  so. 

About  the  hardest  work  a  phellow  kan  do  iz  tew  spark  two 
galls  at  once,  and  preserve  a  good  average. 

Prudery  iz  one  ov  virtews  bastards. 

A  nickname  will  outline  enny  man  or  thing ;  it  iz  liko  the 
crook  in  a  dogg's  taile,  you  may  cut  it  oph,  and  throw  it  behind 
the  barn,  but  the  crook  is  thare  yet,  and  the  stump  iz  the 
epitaph. 


SOLU  M  THOU  OUTS.  287 

Jf  yu  analize  what  most  men  kail  plezzure,  yu  will  lind  it 
compozed  ov  one  part  hmnbugg,  and  two  parts  pain. 

When  yu  haint  got  nothing  tew  do,  do  it  at  once ;  this  iz 
the  way  to  learn  to  be  bizzy. 

We  hav  bin  told  that  the  best  way  to  overkum  misfortunes 
iz  tew  fight  with  them — I  hav  tried  both  ways,  and  recom- 
mend a  successful  dodge. 

The  art  ov  becomeing  ov  importance  in  the  eyes  ov  others, 
iz  not  tew  overrate  ourself,  but  tew  cauze  them  tew  do  it. 

The  true  way  to  understand  the  judgments  ov  heaven  is  to 
submit  to  them. 

Method  iz  everything,  espeshily  tew  ordinary  men  ;  the  few 
men  who  kan  lift  a  ton,  at  pleasure,  hav  a  divine  right  te\v 
take  holt  ov  it  tew  a  disadvantage. 

The  mind  ov  man  iz  like  a  piece  ov  land  that,  tew  be  use- 
ful, must  be  manured  with  learning,  ploughed  with  energy, 
sown  with  virtew,  and  harvested  with  ekonemy. 

Whare  religion  iz  a  trade,  morality  is  a  merchandize. 

Conversashun  should  be  enlivened  with  wit,  not  compozed 
ov  it. 

The  less  a  man  knows,  the  more  he  will  guess  at ;  and 
guessing  iz  nothing  more  than  suspicion. 

Going  tew  law,  iz  like  skinning  a  new  milch  cow  for  the 
hide,  and  giving  the  meat  tew  the  lawyers. 

Death,  tew  most  ov  us,  iz  a  kind  ov  "farewell  benefit," — 
"  positively  our  last  appearance." 

Phools  are  quite  often  like  hornets,  verry  bizzy,  but  about 
what,  the  Lord  only  knows. 

Living  on  Hope,  iz  like  living  on  wind,  a  good  way  tew  git 
phull,  but  a  poor  way  tew  git  phatt. 

Jealousy  don't  pay,  the  best  it  kan  do,  iz  tew  diskovei  what 
\ve  don't  want  tew  find,  nor  don't  expekt  to. 

Sekrets  are  a  mortgage  on  friendships. 

I  don't  think  a  bad  man  iz  az  dandgerous  az  a  weak  one — I 
don't  think  that  a  bile  that  haz  cum  tew  a  hed,  iz  az  risky  as  a 
hidden  one,  that  may  cum  tew  a  dozzen  heds. 

A  vivid  imaganaslmn  iz  like  sum  glasses,  makes  things  at  a 


288  AFFURISMS. 

distance  look  twice  az  big  as  they  am,  and  cluss  to,  twice  as 
small  az  th«y  am. 

Hope  iz  a.  draft  on  futurity,  sumtimes  honored,  but  gener- 
ally extended. 

If  the  world  dispizes  a  hypokrit,  what  must  they  think  ov 
him  in  Heaven. 

Flattery  iz  like  Colone  water,  tew  be  smelt  ov,  not  swallowed. 

After  all,  there  don't  seem  tew  be  but  this  diifrence  be- 
tween the  wize  men  and  the  phools  ;  the  wize  men  are  all  fuss 
and  sum  feathers,  while  the  phools  are  all  fuss  and  no  feathers. 

Without  friends  and  without  enemys  iz  the  last  reliable 
ackount  we  hav  ov  a  stray  dog. 

Men  generally,  when  they  whip  a  mule,  sware  ;  the  mule 
remembers  the  swareing,  but  forgits  the  licking. 

Sum  folks  wonder  whare  awl  the  lies  cum  from,  but  i  don't, 
one  good  liar  will  pizen  a  whole  country. 

Hunting  after  fame  iz  like  hunting  after  fleas,  hard  tew 
ketch,  and  sure  tew  make  yu  uneazy  if  yu  dew  or  don't  ketch 
them. 

Menny  people  spend  their  time  tricing  tew  find  the  hole 
whare  sin  got  into  this  world — if  two  men  brake  through  the 
ice  into  a  mill  pond,  they  had  better  hunt  for  sum  good  hole 
tew  git  out,  rather  than  git  into  a  long  argument  about  the 
hole  they  cum  tew  fall  in. 

Imaginashun,  tew  mutch  indulged  in,  soon  iz  tortured  into 
reality  ;  this  iz  one  way  that  good  hoss  thief  s  are  made,  a  man 
leans  over  a  fence  all  day,  and  imagines  the  hoss  in  the  lot 
belongs  tew  him,  and  sure  enuif,  the  fust  dark  night,  the  hoss 
does. 

If  you  must  chaw  terbacker,  young  man,  for  Heaven's  sake, 
chaw  old  plugg,  it  iz  the  nastyest. 


INK  LINGS. 

iz  like  the  burdocks  a  cow  gits  into  the  end  ov 
J-  her  tail,  the  more  she  shakes  them  oph,  the  less  she  gits 
rid  ov  them. 


INK  LINGS. 


289 


Thare  is  2  kinds  ov  men  in  this  world,  that  i  don't  kare 
about  meeting  when  i  am  in  a  grate  hurry.  Men  whom  i  owe, 
and  men  who  want  to  owe  me. 

Thare  iz  always  one  chance  agin  the  best  laid  plans  ov  man, 
and  the  Lord  holds 

\ 


'.hat  chance. 

Mi  private  opin- 
yun  about "  abscence 
ov  mind "  is,  that  9 
times  out  ov  10,  it 
iz  abscence  ov  branes. 

The  flattery  that 
men  offer  tew  them- 
selfs  iz  the  most 
dangerous,  bekanse 
the  least  suspekted. 

Take  a  kitten  that 
kan  hardly  walk  on 
land,  and  chuck  him 
into  a  mill  pond, 
and  he  will  swim 
ashore — enny  boddy 
kan  apply  the  moral 
in  this.  The  best 
philosophers  and  moralists  i  hav  ever  met,  hav  been  thoze 
who  had  plenty  to  eat,  and  drink,  and  had  money  at  interest.' 

It  takes  a  wize  man  to  suffer  prosperity,  but  most   enny 
phool  kan  suffer  adversity. 

Pride,  after  all,  iz  one  ov  our  best  friends — it  makes  us  be- 
leave  we  are  better  and  happier  than  our  nabors. 

Before  yu  give  enny  man  advise,  find  out  what  kind  ov  ad- 
vice will  suit  him  the  best. 

Knowledge  is  like  money,  the  more  a  man  gits  the  more  he 
hankers  for. 

The  vices  and  phollys  ov  grate  men  are  never  admired  nor 
imitated  bi  grate  men. 


IKK  LIVOS. 


19* 


200  AFFUKISMS. 

The  trew  art  ov  kriticism  is  tew  excuse  faults  rather  than 
ridikule  them. 

We  hav  no  more  right  to  laff  at  a  deformed  person,  than 
we  hav  at  a  crooked  tree — both  ov  them  are  (rod's  arkitek- 
ture. 

How  strange  it  iz  that  most  men  had  rather  be  flattered  for 
possessing  what  they  hav  not,  than  to  be  justly  praised  for 
having  what  they  possess. 

Suavity  ov  manners  towards  men  iz  like  suavity  ov  molas- 
sis  toward  flies,  it  not  only  calls  them  to  you,  but  sticks  them 
fast  after  they  git  thare. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  charity  in  this  world  so  koldly 
rendered  that  it  fairly  hurts,  it  iz  like  lifting  a  drowning  man 
out  ov  the  water  bi  the  hair  ov  the  hed,  and  then  letting  him 
drop  on  the  ground. 

Exchanging  kompliments  iz  another  name  for  exchanging 
lies. 

The  greatest  thief  this  world  haz  ever  produced  iz  Procrasti- 
nation, and  he  is  still  at  large. 

Religion  iz  nothing  more  than  a  chattel  mortgage,  excepted, 
and  rekorded,  az  sekurity  for  a  man's  morality,  and  virtew 

White  lies  are  sed  tew  be  innocent,  but  i  am  satisfied  that 
enny  man  who  will  lie  for  phun,  after  a  while  will  lie  for 
wages. 

The  most  valuable  thing  in  this  world  iz  Time,  and  yet  peo- 
ple waste  it  as  they  do  water,  most  of  them  letting  it  run  full 
head,  and  even  the  most  prudent  let  it  drizzle. 

The  devil  himself,  with  all  liiz  genius,  all  ways  travels  under 
an  alias — this  shows  the  power  of  truth  and  morality. 

If  a  dog  falls  in  love  with  you  at  first  sight,  it  will  do  to 
trust  him — not  so  with  a  man. 

One  ov  the  hardest  things  to  do  is  to  be  a  good  listener, 
thoze  who  are  stone  deaf  succeed  the  best. 

If  you  don't  kno  how  to  lie,  cheat  and  steal,  turn  yure 
attenshun  to  pollyticks,  and  learn  how. 

Thare  are  men  who  seem  to  be  born  on  purpose  to  step  info 


INK  LINGS.  291 

every  thing,  they  kant  set  a  common  rat  trap  without  gitting 
ketch ed  in  it. 

A  sekret  iz  like  an  aking  tooth,  it  keeps  us  uneasy  until  it 
iz  out. 

I  hav  larn't  one  thing,  bi  grate  experience,  and  that  iz,  I 
want  as  much  watching  az  mi  nabors  do. 

The  only  way  to  larn  sum  men  how  to  do  enny  thing,  iz  to 
do  it  yourself. 

I  don't  rekoleckt  now  ov  ever  hearing  ov  two  dogs  fiteing, 
unless  thare  waz  a  man  or  two  around. 

A  wize  man  is  never  so  mutch  alone,  as  when  he  iz  in  a 
crowd,  and  never  so  mutch  in  a  crowd  as  when  he  iz  alone. 

I  am  satisfied  that  thare  iz  more  weakness  among  men  than 
malice. 

Thare  iz  no  man  in  the  world  so  easy  to  cheat  az  ourselfs. 

I  don't  kno  ov  ennything  that  will  kill  a  man  so  quick  az 
praize  that  he  don't  deserve. 

Repentanse  should  be  the  effekt  ov  love — not  fear. 

The  soul  haz  more  disseases  than  the  boddy  haz. 

Things  that  we  kant  do  wouldn't  be  ov  enny  use  to  us,  if 
we  could  do  them. 

Amongst  animals  the  most  ignorant  are  the  most  stubborn, 
and  i  wonder  if  this  ain't  so  amungst  men. 

A  phool  seems  tew  be  a  person  who  haz  more  will  than 
judgment,  and  more  vanity  than  either. 

The  fust  intimashun  i  had  that  i  waz  gitting  old  waz,  i 
found  myself  telling  to  mi  friends  the  same  story s  over  again. 

In  repenting  ov  sins,  men  are  apt  tew  repent  ov  thoze  they 
haint  got,  and  overlook  thoze  they  hav. 

A  dandy  never  yet  fell  in  love — only  with  himself. 

Revenge  sumtimes  sleeps,  but  vanity  always  keeps  one  eye 
open. 

Thoze  folks  who  expekt  to  fail  in  an  enterprise,  most  gener- 
ally do. 

A  man  with  only  one  accomplishment  kant  expekt  to  interest 
us  long. 

We  all  git  tired  pretty  soon  looking  at  a  goose  standing  on 
one  leg. 


292  AFFURISMS. 

EMBERS  ON  THE  HARTH. 


moon  looks  down  at  night  upon  the  vices  of  the  world 
X  and  vet  remains  az  chaste  az  ever. 

Caution  and  curiosity  are  the  privy  counsillers  ov  truth. 

I  had  rather  not  have  a  thing  than  tew  be  obliged  tew  wait 
for  it. 

We  are  always  a-looking  ahed,  and  that  iz  the  way  tew  look  ; 
if  the  man  at  the  wheel  looks  back  he  will  soon  beach  hiz  ves- 
sell. 

The  time  tew  be  karefullest  iz  when  we  hav  a  hand  full  ov 
trumps. 

I  am  a  poor  man,  but  i  hav  this  consolashun,  i  am  poor  by 
acksident,  not  desighn. 

"What  an  unreal  life  most  folks  lead  ;  they  don't  ever  hav  a 
genuine  taste  ov  sorrow  during  their  existence. 

How  menny  people  thare  iz  whoze  importance  depends 
entirely  upon  the  size  ov  their  hotel  bills. 

Mother  !  —  The  holy  thoughts  and  chastened  memorys  that 
cluster  around  this  name  can  never  be  so  well  expressed  az  in 
the  calm  utterance  ov  the  name  itself. 

It  iz  a  good  thing  tew  be  hedstrong,  but  it  iz  a  better  thing 
tew  understand  that  a  stun-wall  iz  a  hard  thing  tew  buk  agin. 

Mankind  ain't  apt  tew  respekt  verry  mutch  what  they  are 
familiar  with,  it  iz  what  we  don't  know,  or  kant  see,  that  we 
hanker  for. 

When  i  see'  people  ov  shaller  understandings  extravagantly 
clothed,  i  always  feel  sorry  —  for  the  clothes. 

I  am  just  az  certain  that  thare  iz  sitch  a  thing  az  "  Spiritual 
manafestashuns  "  az  i  am  that  there  iz  plenty  ov  superstishun 
and  trickery. 

Prosperity  makes  us  suspicious  ov  each  other,  while  adver- 
sity makes  us  trust  in  each  other  —  the  only  way  that  i  kan 
akount  for  this  iz  that  in  prosperity  we  hav  sum  thing  tew  lose, 
while  in  adversity  we  hav  everything  tew  gain. 

I  konsider  it  a  grate  kompliinent  tew  religion  that  there 
are  only  two  substitutes  for  it  ;  one  iz  hipokrasy,  and  the  o'her 
iz  superstishun. 


EMBERS  ON  THE  HARTH.  293 

It  iz  a  safe  mistake  tew  make  to  call  a  man  "  Kumcl,"  who 
may  in  fakt  be  only  a  4th  Korporal. 

We  are  never  nearer  right  than  we  am  when  we  fear  we 
are  rong. 

Modesty  weighs  a  pound,  impudence  only  6  ounces,  this 
ackounts  for  the  diffidence  ov  the  one,  and  the  vivacity  ov  the 
other. 

Envy  iz  not  so  bad  a  pashun  when  it  prompts  us  tew  bild 
our  chimney  higher  than  our  nabors,  but  when  it  prompts  ua 
tew  hurt  hiz  draft  it  iz  an  awful  mean  one. 

I  thank  the  Lord  for  one  thing,  that  he  haz  made  the  word 
no  the  hardest  one  in  any  language  tew  say. 

Old  dorgs  nuss  their  grudges,  but  yung  pupps  fight  and 
then  frolik. 

A  man  may  git  a  big  fut,  or  a  pug  noze,  bi  birthright,  but 
nine-tenths  ov  hiz  virtews  are  the  effekt  ov  associashun  01 
edukashun. 

Confess  yure  sorrows,  yure  fears,  yure  hopes,  yure  love,  and 
even  yure  deviltrys  tew  men,  but  don't  let  them  git  a  smell 
ov  yure  poverty — poverty  haz  no  friends,  not  even  among 
paupers. 

Laming  iz  the  only  good  substitute  for  experience. 

I  suppoze  the  reazon  whi  we  all  ov  us  admire  the  Atlantik 
Ocean  so  mutch  iz  bekauze  it  don't  belong  tew  enny  boddy  in 
partiklar ;  for  what  we  kant  own,  iz  about  all  that  we  aint 
jealous  ov. 

Pedantry  iz  ignorant  knowledge. 

Thare  iz  this  difference  between  modesty  and  bashfulness, 
one  iz  paint  under  the  skin,  and  the  other  iz  paint  on  the  out- 
side ov  it,  liable  tew  wash  oph. 

Abstinence  should  be  the  exception,  and  temperance  the 
rule. 

If  a  man  should  happen  tew  reach  perfeckshun  in  this  world, 
he  would  hav  tew  die  immediately  tew  enjoy  himself. 

One  ov  the  best  evidences  ov  our  immortality,  iz  our  desires 
tew  be  so. 

A  man  who  haint  got  enny  imaginashun  at  all,  iz  just  right 
for  a  hitching  post. 


29-t  AFFURISMS. 

Old  age  iz  covetous,  bekauze  it  haz  jarnt  bi  experience,  that 
the  best  friend  a  man  haz  in  this  world,  iz  hiz  pocket-book. 

Love  iz  the  fust  pashun  ov  the  heart,  ambishun  the  seckond 
and  avarice  the  third,  and  last. 

Patience  will  tire  out  ennything  but  musketoes. 

Deference  iz  silent  flattery. 

The  chains  ov  slavery  are  none  the  less  gauling  for  being 
made  ov  gold. 

The  love  that  a  man  gains  by  flattery,  is  worth  just  about 
az  mutch  az  the  flattery  is. 

"  Happy  as  a  king"  iz  a  libel  on  happiness,  and  on  the  king 
to. 

If  you  will  be  familiar,  you  must  expekt  tew  loose  the 
confidence  ov  phools,  and  the  esteem  ov  the  wize. 

Learning  iz  a  good  deal  like  strength,  it  requires  goodhosa 
sense  tew  know  how  tew  apply  it. 

Grate  men  are  knot  bi  enny  means  the  best  ov  companyuns, 
they  seldum  kan  ever  enjoy  themselfs. 

Confess  yure  sins  tew  the  Lord,  and  yu  will  be  forgiven, 
confess  them  tew  men,  and  yu  will  be  lafted  at. 

Impudence  is  nothing  more  than  open  hipokrasy. 

About  the  most  we  kan  hope  in  our  old  age  iz  tew  endure 
the  thoughts  ov  what  we  enjoyed  when  we  waz  young. 

There  iz  only  one  good  substitute  for  the  endearments  ov 
a  sister,  and  that  iz  the  endearments  ov  sum  other  pheller'a 
sister. 


HOT  KORK 

iz  a  grate  deal  ov  rezolushun  in  Gin,  but  kussid 
-L  little  judgment. 

A  nikname  will  not  only  outliv  a  man,  but  outlast  even  hiz 
tombstun. 

What  iz  the  chief  end  ov  man  ?  To  foot  hiz  wife's  bills 
and  foot  the  man  who  insults  her. 

A  genial  old  man  iz  pleasant  tew  look  upon,  but  a  frisky  old 
m"^  is  too  mutch  like  an  Irish  wake  to  be  captivating. 


HOT  HORN. 


295 


A  man  who  kant  fiddle  but  one  tune,  i  don't  kare  how  well 
he  kan  do  it,  ain't  a  permanent  suckcess. 

After  all  i  don't  kno  az  thare  iz  ennything  in  this  world 
that    pays    mutch 
better  than  being  a 
natral  born  phool. 

A  literary  repu- 
tashun  iz  hard  tew 
git  and  eazy  tew 
loose,  and  when 
once  lost  iz  lost  for- 
ever. 

Thare  iz  grate 
art  in  growing  old 
gracefully. 

If  a  man  haz  got 
a  good  reputashun 
he  better  git  it  in- 
sured, for  they  are 
dredful  risky. 

Misplaced  charity 
iz  a  good  blunder 
tew  make.  If  yu  HOT  KORN- 

want  tew  git  a  good  general  idee  ov  a  man's  karakter  find 
out  from  him  whathiz  opinion  ov  his  nabor  iz. 

It  iz  a  grate  deal  better  for  a  man  tew  be  defamed  than  tew 
be  praized  for  what  he  don't  possess. 

Genuine  happiness  is  like  a  genuine  ghost,  everyboddy 
talks  about  them  and  seems  tew  beleaf  in  them,  but  i  guess 
noboddy  hain't  seen  one  yet. 

Solomon  remarked  "  that  thare  want  ennything  nu  under 
the  sun,"  and  it  duz  really  seem  that  if  a  man  sez  ennything 
nu  he  haz  got  tew  lie  a  leetle  tew  do  it. 

I  serpose  that  whi  advise  is  such  a  drug  in  the  market  iz 
bekauze  the  supply  alwus  exceeds  the  demand. 

Daudy-6  and  blujays  are  alike,  both  worthless  without  theii 
feathers. 


296  AFFUUISMS. 

Gold  seems  tew  be  the  standard  of  all  values  in  this  world 
Even  virtew  in  a  poor  man,  iz  quoted  75  per  cent  belo  par. 

Watching  one's  helth  all  the  time  iz  like  watching  the 
weather — a  grate  deal  of  time  iz  lost,  and  thare  iz  just  az 
menny  showers  after  all. 

We  hear  a  good  deal  sed  about  the  freaks  ov  natur,  but  i 
hav  alwus  noticed  that  when  natur  makes  a  two-legged  swine, 
she  takes  a  mighty  sight  ov  pains  about  it. 

Gravity  iz  the  homage  that  a  phool  pays  to  wisdum,  with- 
out knowing  it. 

A  flatterer  iz  a  common  enemy. 

If  mankind  were  obliged  tew  giv  their  gifts  sekretly,  they 
would  look  upon  it  az  a  grate  hardship. 

He  that  won't  listen,  kan't  learn  ;  phools  and  bobalinks  are 
poor  listeners,  and  hav  but  one  song. 

Thare  iz  nothing  we  talk  so  fluently  about  az  happiness,  and 
nothing  we  kno  so  little  about. 

Revenge  iz  the  prerogative  ov  the  brutes. 

Manner  iz  a  grate  deal  more  attraktive  than  matter — es- 
peshily  in  a  monkey. 

Whenever  yu  find  a  man  who  iz  strikly  honest,  yu  will  find 
one  who  iz  truly  courageous. 

When  eloquence  and  wisdum  kontend  for  the  superiority 
in  a  man,  he  haz  got  about  az  far  abuv  the  rest  ov  us  az  he  kan 
git. 

The  luv  ov  change  iz  az  natral  in  man  az  it  iz  in  natur. 

Thare  iz  two  kinds  ov  hipokrits,  the  bold,  and  the  humble, 
and  the  humble  ones  are  the  wust. 

The  grate  strength  ov  simplicity  lays  in  the  words,  not  in 
the  ideas. 

I  don't  beleave  thare  iz  enny  thing  in  this  world  that  will 
add  to  a  man's  wealth,  convenience  or  luxury,  but  what  he 
kan  git,  if  he  will  only  hunt  eimff  for  it. 

All  wimmin  are  bi  natur  flirts,  but  those  who  are  the  most 
BO,  have  the  least  sense. 

To  be  thoroughly  good-natured,  and  yet  avoid  being  im- 
posed upon,  shows  great  strength  ov  character. 


HOT  KORN.  297 

Enny  person  who  will  deliberately  flatter  yu,  will  deliber- 
ately defame  yu. 

It  iz  a  mighty  hard  job  tew  respekt  the  man  that  we  hav 
tew  forgiv. 

1  beleave  thare  iz  more  people  in  this  world,  honest  from 
policy,  than  thare  iz  from  principle. 

Very  old  people  often  are  free  from  all  appearances  ov  sin, 
bekauze  they  hav  nothing  left  for  either  tew  feed  upon. 

Thare  are  people  who  are  alwus  anticipating  trubble,  and  in 
this  way  they  manage  tew  enjoy  menny  sorrows  that  never 
really  happen  tew  them. 

Fear  ov  sin  haz  made  a  grate  menny  more  Christians  than 
the  luv  ov  virtew  haz. 

I  kno  ov  sevral  kinds  ov  kuriosity,  but  thare  iz  one  kind 
which  prompts  us  tew  stick  our  noze  into  things  just  for  the 
purpose  ov  smelling. 

The  luv  ov  praize  never  made  enny  man  wuss,  and  haz  made 
menny  a  man  better. 

Thoze  people  who  are  sik  and  disgusted  with  themselfs 
are  the  ones  who  suffer  from  ennui. 

In  bible  times,  when  Balem's  ass  spoke,,  it  waz  a  mirakle; 
but  the  daze  ov  mirakels  are  over,  and  the  greatest  asses  we 
hav  in  theze  times  are  the  gratest  talkers. 

Thare  iz  quite  a  difference  between  a  /t/minous  and  a  wlu- 
rainous  writer,  altho  menny  authors  konfound  the  two. 

Thoze  who  hav  never  snkceeded  themselfs  are  alwus  the 
most  reddy  tew  tell  others  how  tew  do  it. 

I  am  satisfied  that  the  2  gratest  bores  in  the  world  are  the 
Hoosick  tunnel  and  the  author  who  iz  hunting  up  a  publisher 
for  his  fust  book. 

If  yu  wish  tew  retain  the  friendship,  or  even  luv,  ov  others, 
yu  must  keep  them  in  yure  hands,  and  not  git  into  theirs. 

It  iz  kind  ov  phunriy  that  while  modesty  iz  the  gratest  ev- 
idence ov  merit,  it  seems  tew  be  the  poorest  guranteeov  suck 
cess. 

Admire  beauty,  but  don't  worship  it. 

Cunning  men  are  sure  tew  git   kaught  at   last,  and   when 


ii98  AKKUMSMS. 

they  are  katight  they  are  like  a  fox  in  a  trap,  about  the  sylli- 
est  looking  fox  yu  ever  see. 

Yu  mite  az  well  undertake  tew  drown  a  knot-hole  out,  bi 
pouring  water  into  it,  az  tew  outtalk  sum  wimmin  1  kno  ov. 

Welaff  at  sheep  bekauze  when  one  ov  them  leads  the  way 
all  the  rest  follow,  however  ridikilus  it  may  be,  and  i  suppose 
sheep  laff,  when  they  see  us  doing  the  vary  same  thing. 

It  will  do  tew  endorse  some  men,  but  not  their  paper, 
while  thare  iz  others  whoze  paper  iz  safer  tew  endosse  than 
their  karakter. 

Fortune  iz  no  holyday  goddess  she  don't  simper  aiming 
arkadian  scenes,  she  dwells  in  rugged  places,  and  yu  kant 
wear  her  favors  without  winning  them. 

o 


FOUNDLINGS. 

HE  that  will  foller  good  advice,  iz  a  greater  man  than  he 
that  gives  it. 

It  iz  human  to  err,  but  devlish  to  brag  on  it. 

Blessed  iz  he  who  haz  a  big  pile,  and  knows  how  to  spread 
it. 

The  minds  ov  the  young  are  eazily  trained  ;  it  iz  hard  wrork 
to  git  an  old  hop  vine  to  travel  a  new  pole. 

I  dont  hanker  after  bad  luck,  but  I  had  rather  run  the  risk 
ov  it  than  trust  too  mutch  in  the  professions  ov  men. 

Just  in  proportion  that  a  man  iz  thankful  to  Heaven,  and 
hiz  nabor,  just  in  that  proportion  he  iz  happy. 

It  iz  a  dredful  fine  thing  to  whip  a  young  one  jist  enuff, 
and  not  enny  more.  I  take  it  that  the  spot  iz  lokated  jist 
whare  their  pride  ends,  and  their  mad  begins. 

Blessed  iz  them  who  hav  no  eye  for  a  key,  nor  ear  for  a 
knot-hole. 

A  man  should  learn  tew  be  a  good  servant  to  himself  before 
he  iz  fit  to  boss  others. 

The  more  exalted  our  stashun,  the  more  conspikuous  our 


FOUNDLINGS. 

virtews,  just  az  a  fitch  setting  adds  to  the  brilliancy  or  a 
jewel. 

Blessed  are  the  single,  for  they  kan  double  at  leizure. 

Ifyu  want  to  learn  a  child  to  steal  oats  in  the  bundle,  make 
him  beg  out  ov  yn  evry  thing  that  yu  giv  him. 

Thare  iz  nothing  so  difikult  for  the  best  ov  us  az  tew  git 
the  approval  ov  our  own  conscience. 

Blessed  iz  he  who  kan  pocket  abuse,  and  feel  that  it  iz  no 
disgrace  to  be  bit  by  a  dog. 

Punishments,  tew  hit  the  spot,  should  be  few,  but  red-hot. 

Happyness  consists  in  being  perfektly  satisfied  with  what 
we  hav  got,  and  what  we  haint  got. 

We  are  told  that  ritches  takes  wings  and  flies  out  ov  sight, 
and  i  hav  known  them  tew  take  the  proprietor  along  with 
them. 

Blessed  iz  the  man  who  kan  eat  hash  with  a  clear  conscience, 
for  hiz  heart  must  be  full  ov  pitty. 

I  hav  seen  those  who  were  az  full  ov  awl  sorts  ov  learning 

o 

az  the  heavens  are  ov  wrind  ;  they  are  just  the  things  to  cut 
up  into  weather-cocks. 

If  a  man  iz  thoroughly  satisfied  with  himself,  he  will  be 
very  well  satisfied  with  evrybody  else. 

"  Blessed  are  the  meek  and  lowly  "  (and  very  lucky,  too,  if 
they  don't  git  their  noze  pulled.) 

If  death  iz  an  evil,  birth  iz  a  greater  one. 

One  ov  the  fussyest  scenes  I  ever  listened  to,  waz  two  old 
maids,  waiting  on  one  sick  bachelor. 

If  we  take  all  the  hard  sledding  ov  this  life,  and  make  it 
four  times  az  mutch,  it  wont  amount  tew  the  affliktions  that 
men  pile  on  to  each  other. 

I  think  evry  man  and  woman  on  earth,  ought  tew  wear  on 
their  hat-band  theze  words,  in  large  letters :  "  Lead  us  not  into 
temtashun." 

I  never  knew  ennyboddy  yet  to  git  stung  by  hornets,  who 
kept  away  from  whare  they  waz — it  iz  jist  so  writh  bad-luck. 

Blessed  iz  he  who  haz  got  a  good  wife  and  knows  how  to 
eail  her. 


300  AFFURISMS. 

The  true  definition  ov  a  luxury  iz  snmthing  that  anothe! 
teller  haint  got  the  stamps  to  buy. 

Blessed  iz  he  who  alwus  carrys  a  big  stone  in  hiz  hand  bu; 
never  heaves  her. 

Pissmires  on  the  level,  are  only  insignifieent,  but  when  the} 
git  up  on  end  and  begin  tew  strut  on  2  legs  they  are  perma 
nantly  ridiklous. 

I  never  read  the  comick  papers,  dear  Jesse,  enny  more  thar 
I  would  eat  rye-bread  when  I  am  away  from  home. 

Yn  kan  judge  ov  a  mans  religion  very  well  by  hearing  him 
talk,  but  yu  kant  judge  ov  hiz  piety  by  what  he  sez,  enn\ 
more  than  yu  kan  judge  ov  hiz  amount  ov  linnen  by  the  sticl 
out  ov  hiz  collar  and  waistbands. 


DEIED  FKITIT. 

WIIEX  a  rooster  crows,  he  crows  all  over. 
A  poor,  l)ut  dishonest  cuss  iz  about  az  low  down  az 
enny  man  kan  git,  unless  he  drinks  whiskee  too. 

Error  will  slip  thru  a  crack,  while  truth  will  git  stuck  in  a 
doorway. 

The  man  who  haz  just  found  out  he  kant  afford  tew  burn 
green  wood  haz  taken  hiz  fust  lesson  in  ekonemy. 

Thare'iz  only  one  thing  that  kan  beat  truth,  and  that  iz  he 
who  alwus  speaks  it. 

It  iz  hard  work,  at  fust  sight,  tew  see  the  wisdum  ov  a  rat- 
tle snaik  bite,  but  thare  iz  thousands  ov  folks  who  never  think 
ov  their  sins  untill  they  are  bit  hi  a  rattle  snaik. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  human  natur  in  a  krab,  if  yu  don't 
pick  them  up  in  the  right  way,  yu  will  diskover  it. 

I  think  now,  if  5  had  all  the  money  that  iz  due  me,  i  would 
invest  it  in  a  saw  mill,  and  then  "  let  her  rip." 

Take  the  humbugg  out  ov  this  world,  and  yu  wont  hat 
mutch  left  tew  do  bizzness  with. 


DRIED  FRUIT.  301 

WTien  we  say,  "  such  a  man  haz  bowels  ov  mercy,"  do  wo 
mean  tew  be  understood  that  he  iz  a  light  eater? 

Faith  and  curiosity  are  the  gin  cocktails  ov  suckcess. 

Advertising  iz  sed  tew  be  a  certain  means  of  success ;  sum 
folks  are  so  impressed  with  this  truth,  that  it  sticks  out  ov 
their  tombstun. 

Thare  iz  this  diffrence  between  ignorance  and  error ;  igno- 
rance iz  stone  blind,  and  error  iz  near-sighted  ;  ignorance 
stands  still  and  error  only  moves  to  run  agin  a  post. 

Economy  iz  a  savings  bank,  into  which  men  drop  pennys, 
and  git  dollars  in  return. 

There  iz  one  thing  yu  kant  put  out,  and  that  iz  yure 
conscience ;  yu  may  smother  it,  but  a  coal  pit,  it  kontains  the 
charred  remains. 

The  two  richest  men  now  living  in  Amerika  that  i  kno  of, 
iz  the  one  who  haz  got  the  most  money  and  the  other  who 
wants  the  least ;  and  the  last  one  iz  the  happiest  ov  the  two. 


KEMNANTS. 

CUSTOMS  are  like  grease — they  make  enny thing  slip 
eazy. 

Thare  iz  sum  things  that  kant  be  counterfitted — a  blush  iz 
one  ov  them. 

Goodness  iz  jist  az  mutch  ov  a  studdy  az  mathumaticks  iz. 

If  a  man  expekts  tew  be  very  virtewous  he  musivt  mix  too 
much  with  the  world,  nor  too  mutch  with  himself  neither. 

Thare  iz  more  deviltry  in  the  world  than  thare  iz  igno- 
rance. 

The  people  who  acktually  deserve  tew  liv  their  lives  over 
agin  are  the  verry  ones  who  dont  want  to  do  it. 

The  richest  man  ov  all  iz  he  who  haz  got  but  little,  but  haz 
got  all  he  wants. 

Natur  makes  all  the  noblemen  — wealth,  edukashun,  not 
pedigree,  never  made  one  yet. 


302 


AJTUIUSMS. 


When  a  man  duz  me  a  favour  i  alwus  try  tew  remember  it, 
and  when  he  duz  me  an  injury  i  alwus  try  tew  forget  it — if 
i  dont,  I  ought  to. 

If  a  man  iz  honest  he  may  not  alwus  be  in  the  right,  but 

he  kan    never  be  in 
the  wrong. 

Grate  talkers  are 
generally  grate  liars, 
for  men  who  talk  so 
mutch  must  sooner 
or  later,  run  out  ov 
the  truth,  and  tell 
what  they  dont  kno. 
I  dont  bet  thare  iz 
enny  sich  thing  az  a 
perfektly  good  man, 
or  a  perfekly  bad 
man. 

I  kno  ov  enny 
quantity  ov  people 
whose  virtews  are  at 
the  mercy  ov  other 

REMNANTS.  f°lkS>     wll°     afe    g°°d 

simply  for  the  repu- 

tashun  ov  it,  who  haven't  got  enny  more  real  appetite   tew 
their  conscience  than  a  klam  haz. 

I  hav  st'uddyed  mi  own  karakter,  and  mi  own  impulses  for 
39  years  clussly,  and  i  kant  tell  to  day  (to  save  a  bet)  whether 
i  am  an  honest  and  trew  man  or  not — if  thare  iz  enny  boddy 
who  knows  about  this  matter  i  wish  they  would  address  me  a 
letter,  enklosing  a  postage  blister. 

Thare  iz  no  sekts,  nor  religious  disputes  aiming  the  heathen, 
they  all  of  them  cook  a  missionary  in  the  same  way. 

One  grate  reaxon  wlii  "Jordan  iz  sich  a  ruff  road  tew  trav- 
el," iz  bekauze,  almost  every  boddy  works  inside  ov  their  own 
lot,  and  lets  the  turnpike  take  care  ov  itself. 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  folks  who  expekt  tew  eskape  Hell  jist  be- 
kauze the  crowd  iz  so  grate  that  are  going  thare. 


HEM  ARKS.  303 

Every  111341  makes  hiz  own  pedigree,  and  the  best  pedigree 
iz  a  clear  conscience. 

To  be  a  gentleman, — git  ritch,  and  keep  a  hoss  and  buggy. 

Virtew  in  a  poor  man  iz  looked  upon  az  a  jewel  in  a  tuds 
noze 

The  man  who  iz  a  tyrant  in  hiz  household  iz  an  abjekt  cuss 
amung  hiz  equals. 

After  a  man  iz  fairly  born  the  next  grate  blessing  iz  a 
square  deth. 

Virtew  iz  like  strength,  no  man  kan  tell  how  mutch  he  haz 
got  ov  it  till  he  cums  akrost  Kiimthing  he  kant  lift. 

I  hav  cum  tew  the  konklusion  that  what  every  boddy 
praizes  wants  cluss  watching. 

Thare  iz  nothing  the  wurld  will  pay  so  mutch  for  az  fust 
rate  nonsense,  and  thare  iz  nothing  in  the  market  so  skarse. 

Thare  iz  menny  folks  who  are  like  mules,  the  only  way  tew 
their  affeckshuns  iz  thru  the  kindness  ov  a  klub. 

Thare  aint  but  phew  people  who  know  how  to  giv  gifts, 
and  the  number  who  kno  how  tew  receive  t^iem  iz  less. 

The  strongest  propensity  in  womans  natur  iz  to  want  to 
know  "whats  going  on  /"  and  the  next  strongest,  iz  tew  boss 
the  job. 

Skorn  not  the  day  ov  little  things,  for  thare  iz  no  man  in 
this  world  so  grate  but  what  sum  one  kan  do  him  a  favor  or 
an  injury. 

Thare  iz  one  witness  that  never  iz  guilty  ov  perjury,  and 
that  iz  the  conscience. 

Thare  iz  sich  a  thing  az  being  alwus  too  quick — i  am  one 
ov  that  kind  miself,  i  alwus  miss  a  rale  rode  train  bi  being 
thare  a  haff  an  our  too  soon. 


REMARKS. 


WHEN  a  man  hain't  got  enny   thing  to  say,  then  iz  a 
good  time  tew  keep  still, — thare  iz  but  few  people  who 
IHIV  missed  a  good  opportunity  tew  ventilate  their  opiniy  tins. 


304  AFFURISMS. 

Just  about  az  cerimonys  creep  into  one  end  ov  a  church 
piety  creeps  out  ov  the  other. 

Thoze  who  hav  the  fewest  failings,  see  the  fewest  in  others. 

Pride  iz  az  universal  az  hair  on  the  lied — sum  are  proud  ov 
their  virtews,  sum  ov  their  vices,  and  sum,  having  neither 
themselves,  brag  on  other  people's. 

Love  looks  through  a  telescope ;  envy,  through  a  microscope. 

An  industrious  man  iz  seldom  a  bad  man. 

Men  will  believe  their  paslnms  quicker  than  they  will  their 
consciences,  and  yet  their  pashuns  are  generally  wrong,  and 
their  consciences  alwus  right. 

It  ain't  mutch  truble  tew  bear  the  pain  or  sum  boddy  else's 
lame  back,  but  tew  hav  the  lame  back  oneself  ain't  so  stylish. 

Dispising  fortune  iz  not  a  sure  way  tew  gain  her  favors, — 
pipe  to  her,  and  she  may  dance  to  you. 

Take  all  the  interest  out  ov  this  world,  and  there  wouldn't 
^friendship  enuff  left  for  seed. 

Sekrets  are  a  burden,  and  that  iz  one  reason  why  we  are 
anxious  to  hav  sumboddy  help  us  carry  them. 

I  hav  seen  men  so  full  ov  vanity,  that  they  could  not  endure 
the  sight  ov  a  peacock,  with  his  tale  on  parade. 

The  most  excruciating  bore  I  know  is  excessive  politeness. 

If  I  was  called  upon  tew  describe  Eloquence,  I  should  do  it 
az  I  would  a  suit  ov  clothes, — '  ov  suitable  texture  and  a  per- 
fectfit: 

Gravity  iz  no  more  an  evidence  ov  wisdom,  than  it  iz  ov  ill 
natur. 

The  greater  the  man,  the  less  hiz  virteus  appear,  and  the 
larger  hiz  faults. 

The  man  who  hain't  got  an  enemy,  iz  really  poor. 

Don't  mistake  vivacity  for  wit,  thare  iz  just  az  mutch  diflf- 
rence  as  thare  iz  between  lightning  and  a  lightning  bug. 

No  man  ever  yet  undertook  tew  alter  his  natur  by  substitu- 
ting sum  invenshun  ov  his  own,  but  what  made  a  botch  job 
ov  it. 

Religion  in  theze  days,  iz  compozed  ov  vanity,  and  piety, 
ai;d  each  man  and  woman  iz  a  better  judge  ov  the  proportion 
than  I  am. 


REMARKS.  305 

Lovers  feed  upon  mysteries,  hut  after  they  are  married,  and 
the  pork  and  beans  are  brought  on,  they  hav  a  fair  chance  tew 
test  the  real  qualitys  ov  their  appetights. 

An  insult  tew  one  man  iz  an  insult  tew  all,  for  it  may  be 
our  turn  next. 

I  don't  kno  ov  enny  thing  that  would  use  the  whole  ov  us 
up  more  thoroughly,  than  tew  hev  all  ov  our  wishes  gratified. 

Thare  iz  2  kinds  ov  obstinacy,  obstinacy  in  the  right,  and 
obstinacy  in  the  wrong,  one  iz  the  strength  ov  a  grate  mind, 
and  the  other  iz  the  strength  ov  a  little  one. 

Lazyness  iz  like  mollassis,  sweet  and  sticky. 

I  think  a  bear  in  hiz  claws,  iz  prefarable  tew  one  with 
gloves  on. 

I  kant  tell  now  which  I  admire  least,  an  old  coquett,  or  a 
young  prude. 

Misanthropy  don't  pay — thare  aint  no  man  living  whoze 
hate  the  world  cares  one  cuss  for. 

Rash  men  ken  be  korrekted,  but  it  dont  pay  to  labour  with 
a  phool. 

The  man  who  haz  never  enjoyed  theplezzure  ov  being  for- 
given, haz  missed  one  ov  the  greatest  luxurys  ov  life. 

I  hav  seen  coquettry,  that  had  no  more  malice  in  it,  than  a 
ewe  lamb,  frisking  on  the  green. 

When  i  cum  acrost  a  man  who  utters  hiz  opinyuns  with 
immense  deliberashun,  and  after  they  are  uttered  they  dont 
amount  to  ciiny  thing,  I  write  him  down  "  misterious  phool." 

The  grate  cry  ov  the  -world  now  daze  iz.  "  "Whats  trumps." 

Love  iz  a  weakness, — but  it  iz  the  same  kind  ov  a  weakness 
that  repentance  iz,  both  ov  them  are  creditable  tew  our 
natures. 

A  man  iz  hiz  own  best  friend,  and  worst  enemy. 

Jealousy  iz  one  ov  loves  parasites. 

We  kan  endure  vices  in  the  young  that  we  should  despise 
in  the  old  •  -(pleaze  make  a  note  ov  this  o/d  phellows). 

Friendship  iz  like  earthenware,  if  it  iz  broken  it  kan  be 
mended,  but  love  iz  like  a  mirror,  once  broken,  that  ends  it. 

I  dont  kno  ov  enny  thing  on  the  face  ov  this  earth  inort 
remorseless,  than  7  per  cent  interest,  2^ 


AFFURISMS. 


Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  difference  between  enduring  mis- 
fortunes because  we  expekt  to,  and  enduring  them  bekauze 
we  are  obliged  to,  one  iz  pashunce,  and  the  other  iz  mere  sul- 
lenness. 

"When  i  see  an  old  man  marry  a  young  wife,  i  consider  him 
starting  out  on  a  bust,  for  I  am  reminded  ov  the  parable  in 
the  Bible,  about  new  wine,  and  old  bottles. 


SAWS. 

THAR  iz  no  limit  tew  the  vanity  of  this  world,  each  spoke 
in  the  wheel  thinks  the  whole  strength  ov  the  wheel  de- 
pends upon  it. 

The  only  claim  eniiy  man  kan  have  upon  the  world,  after 

he  haz  left  it,  iz  for 
good  examples. 

Thare  iz  just  az 
mutch  difference  be- 
tween precept  and 
example,  az  thare  iz 
between  a  horn  that 
blows  a  noize,  and 
one  that  blows  a 
tune. 

Thare  seems  tew 
be  a  propriety  in  all 
things;  late  experi- 
ments in  New  York 
city,  have  proved, 
that  religion  in  a 
rat  pit  iz  a  failure. 
Grate  examples  are 
no  excuse  for  iniqui- 
SAWS<  ty.  Our  Saviour 

thought  so  when  he  sed :  "  Git  thee  behind  me,  Satan." 

Sin  in  the  soul  iz  like  a  sliver  in  the  flesh,  mortification  ia 
the  natral  way  tew  git  rid  ov  it. 


SAWS.  307 

The  man  who  dont  praktiss  what  he  preaches,  iz  no  better 
than  than  the  rattlesnaik,  who  warns,  and  then  strikes. 

Fortune  haz  but  little  power  over  those  who  are  not  her 
suitors. 

Man  by  natur  luvs  sosiety,  and  the  more  he  luvg  it,  the 
more  natral  virtews  he  possesses — the  most  vicious  aiming 
the  animals  are  thoze  who  liv  the  most  sekluded. 

Beware  ov  false  friends, — jure  dog  wont  desert  yu  when 
yure  munny  iz  gone. 

One  reazon  whi  friendships  are  so  transhient,  is  bekauzo 
we  so  often  mistake  a  companyun  for  a  friend. 

To  know  how  to  think,  iz  one  ov  the  sciences. 

Poor  human  natur  iz  too  full  ov  its  own  grievances  tew  hav 
euny  pitty  to  spare, — if  yu  show  a  man  a  big  bile  on  yure  arm, 
he  will  tell  yu  he  had  one  twice  az  big  az  that,  on  the  same 
spot,  last  year. 

The  thinking  men  outliv  the  labouring  men. 

The  owl  iz  remarkable  for  hiz  gravity,  and  also  for  his  stu- 
pidity. 

-  Flattery  iz  like  mollassis,  a  very  little  of  it  tastes  sweet 
tew  a  wize  man,  and  a  good  deal  of  it,  tastes  sweet  tew  a 
phool. 

Politeness  subsists  upon  politeness. 

1  like  a  hornet  for  one  thing,  they  always  attend  tew  their 
own  bizzness,  and  wont  let  enny  boddy  else  attend  tew  it. 

Fools  are  alwus  a  looking  ahead  tew  get  wisdum,  wize  men 
look  back. 

It  iz  the  eazyest  thing  in  the  world  tew  make  a  blunder,  and 
the  hardest  thing  tew  own  it. 

I  deskribe  a  kiss,  az  the  time,  and  spot,  whare  afleckshun 
eums  tew  the  surface. 

Man  waz  kreated  a  little  lower  than  the  angels,  but  while 
an  infant,  he  fell  one  day  out  ov  hiz  kradle,  and  hain't  struk 
bottom  yet. 

If  a  man  iz  very  anxious  tew  kultivate  a  good  opinyun  or 
human  natur,  he  mustn't  know  too  mutch  ov  it. 

A  phool  iz  not  necessarily  a  man  without  enny  sense,  b'lt 
one  without  the  right  kind  ov  se::s(>, 


308  AFFU1USJMS. 

When  a  man  gits  tew  talking  about  himself,  he  seldura 
fails  tew  be  eloquent,  and  often  reaches  the  sublime. 

Excellence  in  enny  direction  iz  rare — even  good  clowns  are 
skarse. 

Love  generally  changes  coquettry  to  sense,  and  prudery  to 
silly  ness. 

It  iz  only  a  step  from  cunning  tew  dishonesty,  and  it  iz  a 
step  that  a  man  iz  liable  at  enny  time  tew  take. 

Old  age  haz  its  priviliges — one  iz  tew  find  fault  with  every- 
thing. 

Weak  and  wicked  are  the  4wo  worst  things  that  ennyboddy 
can  be  charged  with. 

He  who  iz  willing  tew  trust  everyboddy,  iz  willing  tew  be 
cheated  by  everyboddy. 

Whenever  yu  find  a  man,  with  an  excentricity  ov  enny 
kind,  which  he  brags  ov,  yu  kan  put  that  man  down  az  a 
" beat"  and  charge  it  tew  mi  account. 

A  wise  man  iz  never  less  alone  than  when  alone. 

A  man  may  mistake  hiz  tallents,  but  he  kant  mistake  hiz 
genius. 

Tallent  must  hav  memory,  genius  don't  require  it. 

I  don't  beleave  thare  iz  a  human  being  on  the  face  ov  the 
earth,  nor  an  angel  in  heaven,  who  are  posatively  proof  against 
temptashun. 

"When  a  man  measures  out  glory  for  himself  he  alwus  heaps 
the  half  bushel. 

A  bile  ain't  a  very  sore  thing  after  all,  espeshily  when  it 
iz  on  sum  other  phellow. 

Pretty  much  all  the  philosophy  in  this  world  iz  kontained 
in  the  following  bracket — [grin  and  bear  if] 

I  don't  kno  whitch  haz  done  the  most  damage  in  this  world, 
lazyness  or  malice,  but  i  guess  lazyness  has. 

If  I  had  4  fust  rate  dogs  i  would  name  the  best  one  "  Doubt- 
ful" and  the  other  3  "  Useless." 

Rumor  iz  like  a  swarm  ov  bees,  the  more  yu  fite  them  the 
less  yu  git  rid  ov  them. 

Yirtew  may  konsist  in  never  sinning,  but  the  glory  ov  vir- 
tew  konsists  in  repentance. 


KKMAKKS.  3lM.» 

Fashion  makes  phools  ov  sum,  sinners  ov  others,  and  slaves 
ov  all. 

A  jest  may  be  krnel,  but  a  joke  never  iz. 

I  never  bet :  not  so  mutch  bekause  i  am  afrade  i  shall  loze, 
az  bekauze  i  am  afrade  i  shall  win. 

A  phools  money  iz  like  hiz  brains,  very  oneazy. 

I  don't  think  the  height  ov  impudence  haz  ever  been  reached 
yet,  altho  menny  hav  made  a  good  try  for  it. 

The  reason  whi  all  tho  works  ov  nature  are  so  impressive, 
iz  bekauze,  they  represent  ideas. 

The  books  which  summer  tourists  carry  about  with  them 
are  desighned  more  to  employ  the  hands,  than  improve  the 
branes. 

The  man  whoze  whole  strength  lays  in  his  money  iz  a  weak 
man  ;  I  had  rather  be  able  tew  milk  a  cow  suckcessfully,  on 
the  wrong  side,  than  to  be  such  a  man. 

Patience,  if  it  iz  merely  constitushional,  don't  appear  tew 
me  to  be  enny  more  ov  a  virtue  than  kold  feet  are. 

But  fu  sights,  in  this  life,  are  more  sublime  and  pathetick, 
than  tew  see  a  poor,  but  virtuous  yung  man,  full  ov  Christian 
fortitude,  struggling  with  a  mustach. 


REMAKES. 

MARRYING-  a  woman  for  her  mimny  is  vera  mutch  like 
setting  a  rat-trap,  and  baiting  it  with  yure  own  finger. 

it  is  highly  important,  when  a  man  makes  up  his  minde 
tew  bekum  a  raskall,  that  he  shud  examine  hisself  clusly,  and 
see  if  he  aint  better  konstructed  for  a  phool. 

I  argy  in  this  way,  if  a  man  is  right  he  cant  be  too  radikal, 
if  he  is  rong  he  kant  be  too  conservatiff. 

I  beleave  in  the  universal  salvashun  ov  men,  but  I  want 
tew  pick  the  men. 


310  AFFUKISMS. 

I  beleave  in  suggar  coated  pills. — I  also  beleave  that  virtue 
and  wisdum  kan  be  smuggled  into  a  man's  soul  bi  a  good  na- 
tured  proverb,  better  and  deeper  than  tew  be  mortised  into  it 
with  a  worm-wood  mallet  and  chissell. 

The  pure  don't  grow  old  enny  more  than  a  mountain 
spring  dus. 

Kize  arly,  work  hard,  and  late,  live  on  what  yu  kant  sell, 
giv  nothing  awa,  and  if  yu  dont  die  ritch,  and  go  tu  the 
devil,  yu  ma  sue  me  for  damages. 

Marrin  for  love  ma  be  a  little  risky,  but  it  is  so  honest,  that 
God  kant  help  but  smile  on  it. 

I  think  i  had  rather  hav  a  noze  Y  inches  and  a  half  long, 
(in  the  clear)  than  tew  be  the  hansumest  man  in  our  county ; 
for  in  the  fust  case,  i  should  work  hard  tew  shorten  mi  nose 
bi  some  other  good  qualitys,  while  in  the  other  case,  i  prob- 
ably should  never  be  told  by  my  looking-glass  that  i  was  a 
phool. 

Awl  human  happiness  is  conservatiff;  2  thirds  ov  the  pleas- 
ure in  sliding  down  hill  consists  in  drawing  the  sled  back. 
I  don't  serpoze  thare  would  be  enny  fun  in  sliding  down  a 
hill  34  miles  long. 

Aul  ov  us  komplain  ov  the  shortness  ov  life  yet  we  all 
waste  more  time  than  we  uze. 

That,  some  peoples  are  fond  ov  bragging  about  their  an- 
sesstors,  and  their  grate  descent,  when  in  fack,  their  grate 
descent  iz  jist  what's  the  matter  ov  them. 

"We  are  told  "  that  an  honest  man  is  the  noblest  work  ov 
God  " — but  the  demand  for  the  work  has  been  so  limited, 
that  i  hav  thought  a  large  share  ov  the  fust  edislnm  must 
still  be  in  the  author's  hands. 

I  never  bet  enny  stamps  on  the  man  who  iz  always  telling 
what  he  would  have  did  if  he  had  bin  thare  •  I  hav  notised 
that  this  kind  never  git  thare. 


NOSEGAYS.  31 1 

Success  in  life  iz  verry  apt  tew  make  us  forget  the  time 
when  we  wasn't  much.  It  iz  jist  so  with  the  frog  on  the 
jump ;  he  kant  remember  when  he  wuz  a  tadpole — but  other 
folks  kan. 

I  always  advise  short  sermons,  espeshily  on  a  hot  Sunday. 
If  a  minister  cant  strike  ile  in  boring  40  minutes,  he  has 
either  got  a  poor  gimblet,  or  else  he  is  boring  in  the  rong 
plase. 

Thare  is  2  kinds  of  politeness,  the  ripe,  and  the  too  mutch 
ripe  politeness ;  a  goose  has  a  grate  deal  of  this  last  kind  ov 
politeness ;  i  have  seen  them  lower  their  heds  while  going 
into  a  barn  door,  that  was  18  foot  high. 

God  save  the  phools !  and  don't  let  them  run  out,  for  if  it 
want  for  them,  wise  men  couldn't  get  a  liviu. 

Pudding  and  milk  is  a  good  thing  tew  git  happy  on,  but 
too  mutch  pudding  and  milk,  even,  will  worry  a  man. 

The  man  who  kan  ware  a  paper  collar  a  hole  week  and 
keap,  it  klean,  aint  n't  for  enny  thing  else. 


NOSEGAYS. 

THE  man  who  iz  alwus  anxious  tew  assume  a  responsibility, 
iz  either  a  phool,  or  a  knave,  i  dont  kno  which. 

If  yu  want  to  klime  a  tree  yu  hav  got  tew  begin  at  the 
bottom. 

As  spunky  people  az  i  hav  ever  known  have  been  az  arrant 
kowards. 

I  had  mutch  rather  alwuss  look  forward  tew  the  time, 
when  i  am  going  tew  ride  in  a  carriage,  than  tew  look  bak 
once  tew  the  time  when  i  used  to  do  it. 

A  certain  amount  of  cerimony  seems  tew  be  necessary  to 
run  the  soshul  masheen  with,  but  when  pholks  git  so  mutch 
cerimony  on  hand,  that  they  have  tew  be  formaly  introduced 


312 


AFFURISMS. 


every  time  they  meet  at  an  evening  meeting,  i  think  that  they 

hav  wore  the  flesh  all  opli  from  cerimony. 

When  i  cum  akrost  people  who  are  perfektly  krazy  for  ven- 

tilashun,  i  say  to 
miself,  "that  krit- 
ter  was  brought  up 
in  a  windmill." 

\>  .     >HB.$'l^      The  maJ»rity  «v 

the  world  are  like 
rats,  .they  live  upon 
plunder  and  forsake 
a  sinking  ship, 

Punktuality  is  one 
grate  element  or 
sukcess. 

A  watch  that  dont 
keep  korrekt  time  i.; 
wuss  than  no  watcli 
at  all. 

Grate  powers  are 
useful  only  az  they 

NOSEGAYS.  are    made     service^ 

able — the  value  ov  a  hoss  depends  upon  hiz  being  well  broke. 
Too  mutch  branes  iz  rather  a  hindrance  than  a  help  to  a 
simply  bizzness  man. 

A  praktikal  joke  iz  like  a  fall  on  the  ice,  thare  may  be  phun 
in  it,  but  the  one  that  falls  kant  alwus  see  it. 

The  soundest  wisdum  cums  from  experience,  but  thare  iz 
a  nearer  road  to  it  allmost  az  sure — reading  and  reflekshun. 

He  who  reads  and  don't  reflekt,  iz  like  the  one  who  eats 
and  don't  exercise. 

The  best  reformers  the  world  haz  ever  seen  are  thoze  who 
commense  on  themselfs. 

He  who  simply  repents  ov  a  sin  pays  only  50  cents  on  a 
dollar,  while  he  who  forsakes  it  pays  one  hundred. 

The  more  a  person  hunts  for  the  mote  in  hiz  brother's  eye 
the  plainer  he  will  diskover — if  he  iz  a  man  ov  sense — the 
beam  in  his  own. 


NOSEGAYS.  313 

People  are  more  apt  tew  make  a  shield  ov  their  religion 
than  they  are  a  pruning-hook. 

Keligion  iz  too  often  kut  az  the  clothes  are,  ackording  tew 
the  prevailing  fashun. 

It  iz  eazier  tew  be  virtewous  than  it  iz  tew  appear  so,  and 
it  pays  better. 

Wicked  men  should  pay  homage  tew  virtew,  for  though 
they  do  not  honor  her  she  iz  their  gratest  safeguard. 

The  man  who  haint  got  enny  religion  tew  defend  won't 
defend  enriything. 

Wlii  iz  it  that  we  despize  the  man  who  puts  himself  in  our 
power,  and  are  quite  az  apt  to  respekt  him  just  in  proporshun 
az  he  iz  out  of  our  reach. 

Modesty  iz  strength,  but  diffidence  iz  weakness.  Modesty 
iz  always  an  evidence  ov  worth,  while  diffidence  may  be  a 
consciousness  ov  evil. 

Thare  iz  but  very  phew  real  suckcesses  in  this  world  that 
are  undeserved. 

Let  no  man  flatter  himself  that  he  kant  be  spared.  Thare 
iz  more  people  waiting  tew  step  into  hiz  shuze  than  he  iz 
aware  ov. 

The  longer  i  liv  the  more  i  am  convinced  that  mankind  gro 
different  not  worse.  Us  old  pholks  are  apt  to  konfound  the 
terms. 

A  wicked  man  iz  no  kompany  for  himself s. 

All  people  luv  authority,  but  the  vulgar  luv  it  the  most. 

It  iz  ea/y  enuff  tew  get  at  enny  man's  wealth,  for  he  that 
alwus  wants  more  iz  poor,  and  he  that  would  be  satisfied  with 
less  iz  ritch. 

We  pitty  others  bekauz  we  are  better  opli  ourselves ;  the 
Unfortunate  dont  pitty  the  unfortunate. 

Pride  and  poverty  hav  travelled  together  now  for  about  5 
thousand  years,  and  pretend  to  luv  each  other,  but  they  kant 
phool  ennyboddy  but  themselfs. 

Lazy  men  are  alwuss  the  most  posative.  They  are  too 
lazy  to  inform  themselfs,  and  too  lazy  to  change  their  minds. 

A  man  will  defend  his  weak  spots  a  grate  deal  more  sharply 
than  he  will  hiz  strong  ones. 


AFFUKISMS. 

If  men  were  ^abboru  just  in  proporslum  az  they  waz  right; 
stubborness  would  take  her  seat  among  the  virtews,  but  men 
are  generally  stubborn  just  in  proporshun  az  they  are  igno 
rant  and  wrong. 

Genius  after  all  ain't  ennything  more  than  elegant  kom- 
mon  sense. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  dignity  in  this  world,  that  iz  kom- 
posed  entirely  ov  dignity,  and  nothing  else. 

We  hav  professors  who  teach  the  art  ov  talking  korrektly, 
whi  kant  we  hav  sum  who  will  teach  the  art  ov  listening 
pashuntly. 

A  skeptik  iz  one  who  knows  too  mutch  to  be  a  good  phool, 
and  too  little  to  be  wise. 

Slander  travels  on  the  wind,  and  whare  it  cums  from,  and 
whare  it  will  go  we  don't  enny  ov  us  seem  tew  kno. 

Look  out  for  thoze  pholks  who  are  familiar  on  short  notiss, 
they  are  like  hornets,  they  mean  sting. 

When  a  man  ov  laming  talks  he  makes  us  \vonder,  but  a 
wize  man  makes  us  think. 

It  iz  safe  to  say  that  thoze  who  go  into  solitude  are  not  fit 
for  sosiety,  and  thoze  who  are  not  fit  for  sosiety  are  certainly 
unfit  for  solitude. 

A  sophist  iz  one  who  puts  hiz  light  under  a  half-bushel  for 
the  sake  ov  letting  the  light  shine  thru  the  kracks. 

Style  in  writing  iz  like  style  in  dress — a  good  fit. 

How  menny  suspishus  people  one  meets  in.  this  world.  1  f 
their  nozes  waz  stuffed  with  kotton  wool  they  would  smell 
sum  kind  ov  a  rat. 

Most  ov  the  animiles  and  insex  (az  well  az  the  men)  liv  on 
each  other,  but  the  spider  iz  the  meanest  in  the  whole  lot,  for 
they  set  traps  for  their  viktinis,  and  clout  even  bait  the  traps. 

What  should  we  do  if  it  want  for  the  churches  ?  Thare  iz 
a  plenty  ov  people  who  kant  worship  God  only  in  a  church. 
If  they  were  out  in  a  field  on  the  Sabbath  day  they  would  at 
once  bekum  lawless,  and  fall  to  digging  out  woodchucks  or 
hunting  for  bumblebees'  nests. 

People  worth  noticing  should  never  forgit  that  everything 


NOSEGAYS.  315 

they  say  and  do  iz  watched  by  sumboddy,  and  it  iz  equally 
true  that  the  good  things  are  generally  forgot,  but  the  bad 
ones  never. 

I  phully  apreshiate  the  proverb,  "  that  speech  iz  silver,  but 
silence  iz  golden,"  but  i  must  say  that  sum  ov  the  most  dis- 
kreet  and  dignified  phools  that  i  hav  ever  met  hav  been  thoze 
who  never  ventured  an  opinyun  on  enny  subjekt. 

What  iz  happier  tew  meet  than  a  good  temper  ?  It  iz  like 
the  sun  bi  day  and  the  soft  harvest  moon  bi  nite. 

Giv  every  one  you  meet,  my  boy,  the  time  ov  day  and  haff 
the  road,  and  if  that  dont  make  him  civil  dont  waste  enny 
more  fragrance  on  the  cuss. 

Sum  pholks  are  natrally  so  kross  and  krabbid  that  it  iz  an 
insult  tew  them  to  ask  them  tew  be  polite.  Yu  mite  as  well 
ask  a  dog  tew  take  the  krook  out  ov  hiz  tale,  and  be  a  gen- 
tleman. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  religion  in  this  world  that  iz  like 
a  life-preserver — only  put  on  at  the  moment  ov  extreme  dan- 
ger, and  put  on  then,  haft'  the  time,  hind  side  before. 

With  all  the  howling  for  liberty  that  men  and  wimmin 
engage  in,  thare  iz,  after  all,  but  very  little  ov  it  in  the  world 
— we  are  all  ov  us  slaves  to  sumthing. 

I  hav  often  heard  ov  men  who  had  bekum  disgusted  with 
the  world,  and  retired  into  solitude ;  but  i  hav  never  heard 
ov  a  kommitty  ov  our  fust  citizens  waiting  on  them  and  ask- 
ing them  tew  kum  bak. 

Pedigree  may  be  Araluabel  for  a  man,  but  i  notiss  it  ain't 
wuth  mutch  for  a  boss  :  for  the  fust  question  that  iz  asked,  iz  : 
"  What  can  he  go  out  and  show  ? " 

I  never  hav  known  a  man  yet  die  at  three  skore  years  and 
ten  possessed  ov  the  welth  that  he  had  got  rongfully. 

Peace  iz  the  shaddo  that  the  setting  sun  ov  a  virtew*>us 
life  kasts. 

Side  by  side  ov  Plain  Truth  stands  Common  Sense — two 
ov  the  gratest  warriors  time  haz  ever  produced. 

Diogoneze  waz  a  grater  man  than  Alexander,  not  bekauze 
he  lived  in  a  tub,  but  bekauze  a  tub  waz  all  he  wanted  tew 


31 G  AFFURISMS. 

liv  in  ;  wealth  could  not  flatter  him,  nor  could  poverty  make 
him  af  rade. 

It  takes  just  3  times  az  long  tew  tell  a  lie,  on  enny  subjekt, 
az  it  duz  tew  tell  the  truth. 

Vanity  iz  the  most  jealous  disseaze ;  i  hav  saw  men  so  vain 
that  they  kouldn't  look  with  kompozure  upon  a  peakok 
spreading  hiz  appendix  tew  the  morning  sun. 

Tru  valor  iz  like  honesty,  it  enters  into  all  that  a  man  sez 
or  duz. 

The  man  wrho  thinks  "  he  kant  do  it,"  iz  alwuss  more  than 
haff  right. 

One  ov  the  hardest  things  tew  learn  a  child,  iz  tew  tell  the 
truth,  but  it  should  be  done,  if — death  ensues. 


SHOOTING  STARS. 

MOST  people  are  like  an  egg,  too  phull  ov  themselfs  to 
hold  enny  thing  else. 

Thare  iz  this  difference  between  genius  and  tallent,  one  iz 
a  natral  reservoi,  and  the  other  haz  tew  be  kontinually  pumpt 
up. 

"  Misery  luvs  kompany,"  but  kant  bear  kompetishun,  thare 
aint  no  boddy  but  what  thinks  thare  bile  iz  the  sorest  bile  in 
markit. 

A  reputashun  for  honor  once  lost,  iz  lost  forever. 

Men  wrho  kno  the  least,  alwus  argy  the  most. 

A  crowing  hen,  and  a  kakling  rooster,  are  the  poorest  kind 
ov  poultry. 

To  be  a  big  man  aiming  big  men,  iz  what  proves  a  man's 
karakter — to  be  a  bul  frog  amung  tadpoles,  dont  amount  to 
mutch. 

What  a  blessed  thing  it  iz  that  we  kant  "  see  ourselfs  az 
others  see  usr" — the  sight  would  take  all  the  starch  out  ov 
us. 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  pholks  in  this  wurld  who  kan  keep  nine 


SHOOTING  STARS. 


S17 


out  ov  ten  ov  the  commandments,  without  enny  truhble  at 
all,  but  the  one  that  iz  left  they  kant  keep  the  small  end  ov. 

I  never  question  a  suckeess,  enny  more  than  i  do  the  right 
ov  a  bull  dog  to  lie  in  hiz  own  gateway. 

To  wake  up  from  a  sweet  sleep,  iz  tew  be  born  agin. 

Expektashun  iz  the  child  ov  Hope,  and  like  its  parent  iz  an 
nrogant  brat. 

'    Mi  friend,  yu  may  be  more  cunning  than  most  men,  but  yu 
aint  more   cunning 
than  all  men. 

Excentricitys  are 
most  alwus  artyfish- 
all,  and  the  best  that 
kan  be  sed  ov  them 
iz,  they  are  quite 
az  often  the  result 
ov  diffidence  az  ov 
vanity. 

If  i  want  tew  git 
at  the  trew  karakter 
ov  a  man,  i  studdy 
Jiiz  vices  more  than 
i  do  hiz  virtews. 

Faith  wont  make 
a  man  virtewous, 
but  it  makes  what 
virtew  he  haz  got 
red  hot.  Those 
who  expekt  tew  keep  themselfs  pure  in  tins  life,  must  keep 
their  souls  bileing  all  the  time,  like  a  pot,  and  keep  all  the 
time  skimming  the  surface. 

It  don't  do  tew  trust  a  man  too  mutch,  who  iz  alwus  in  a 
hurry,  he  \7.  like  a  pissmire,  whose  heart  and  bones  lays  in 
hiz  heels. 

Thare  iz  nothing  so  delishus  tew  the  soul  ov  man  az  an  oc- 
kashional  moment  ov  sadness. 

The  man  whose  only  plezznre  in  this  life,  iz  making  munny, 
weighs  less  on  the  moral  skales  than  an  angleworm. 


SHOOTING    STARS. 


318  AFFURISMS. 

Manner  iz  far  more  attraktive  than  matter — monkeys  are 
watched  clusser  tlian  eagles  are. 

Jelous  people  alwus  luv  themselfs  more  than  they  do  thoze 
•whom  they  are  jelons  ov. 

Curiosity  iz  the  germ  ov  all  enterprizes — men  dig  for  wood- 
chucks  more  for  curiosity,  than  they  do  for  woodchucks. 

The  purest  and  best  specimens  ov  human  natur  that  the 
world  haz  even  seen,  or  ever  will  see,  hav  bin  the  virtewous 
heathen. 

Men  don't  fall  so  often  in  this  world  from  a  want  ov  right 
motives,  az  they  do  from  lack  ov  grip. 

Thare  iz  only  two  men  in  this  world  who  never  make  enry 
blunders,  and  they  are  yu  and  me,  mi  friend. 

Every  man  seemz  tew  hav  hiz  price,  except  the  newsmonger, 
they  prefer  to  work  for  nothing,  and  board  themselfs. 

Yung  man,  yu  kant  learn  enny thing  bi  hearing  yureself 
talk,  but  yu  may  possibly  by  hearing  others. 

Thare  iz  no  one  who  kan  disregard  with  impunity  the  pro- 
prietys  ov  life,  but  thare  are  menny  people  who,  if  they  aint 
propper,  ain't  nothing. 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  folks  in  this  world  whom  yu  kan  bio  np 
Kke  a  bladder,  and  then  kik  them  az  high  az  yu  pleze. 

I  hav  alwus  notissed  one  thing,  that  when  a  cunning  mac 
burns  hiz  fingers  every  boddy  hollers  for  joy. 

Grate  men  should  only  allow  their  most  trusty  friends  tew 
see  them  in  their  hours  ov  relaxashun. 

I  sumtimes  distinguish  between  tallent  and  genius  in  this 
way  :  A  man  ov  tallent  kan  make  a  whissell  out  of  a  pig's  tale, 
but  it  takes  a  man  of  genius  tew  make  the  tale. 

I  kant  tell  now  whether  a  goose  stands  on  one  leg  so  mutch 
to  rest  the  leg  az  to  rest  the  goose.  I  wish  sum  scientifick 
man  would  tell  me  all  about  this. 

Thare  iz  a  mitey  site  ov  difference  whether  Mr.  John  Smith 
will  appear  at  Booth's  Theater  az  Othello,  or  whether  Othello 
will  appear  az  Mr.  John  Smith. 

I  had  rather  be  a  child  again  than  to  be  the  autokrat  ov  the 
world. 


SHOOTING  STARS.  319 

Thare  iz  newmerous  individuals  in  the  land  who  look  upon 
what  they  hain't  got  az  the  only  things  worth  having. 

Thare  iz  thoze  who  kant  laff  with  impunity  ;  if  they  aint 
stiff  and  sollum  they  aint  nothing. 

A  f  u  branes  in  a  man's  hed  are  az  noizy  az  shot  in  a  blown 
up  bladder. 

One  man  ov  genius  to  97  thousand  four  hundred  and  42 
men  ov  tallent  iz  just  about  the  rite  perporshun  for  aktual 
bizzness. 

I  hate  grate  talkers ;  i  had  rather  hav  a  swarm  ov  bees  lite 
onto  me. 

Adam  and  Eve  were  very  good  kind  ov  pholks  until  they 
were  tempted,  and  then  they  kerflumixt  immediately. 

Ventilashun  iz  a  good  thing,  but  when  a  man  kant  lay 
down  and  sleep  in  a  10  aker  lot  without  taking  down  two 
lengths  ov  fence  to  let  the  wind  in  he  iz  alltogether  too  a?V 
ish. 

1  hav  finally  made  up  mi  mind  tew  do  a  good  turn  when 
ever  i  kan,  even  if  i  git  histed  higher  than  a  kite  for  it. 

I  think  that  a  hen  who  undertakes  tew  lay  2  eggs  a  day 
must  necessarily  neglekt  sum  other  branch  ov  bizzness. 

He  who  really  deserves  friends  alwus  finds  them. 

Thare  is  "  menny  a  slip  between  a  cup  and  lip,"  but  not  ban* 
az  menny  az  thare  ought  tew  be. 

The  two  most  important  words  in  enny  languarge  are  the 
shortest—"  Yes  "  and  "  No." 

One  ov  the  most  honest  and  reliable  men  i  kno  ov  at  the 
present  time  iz  "  Old  Probabilitiz  ;"  he  iz  an  ornament  and 
honor  tew  hiz  sex. 

Men  hav  more  vanity  than  wimmin,  and  wimmin  hav  more 
jealousy  than  men. 

Rather  than  not  hav  faith  in  enny  thing,  i  am  willing  tew 
be  beat  9  times  out  ov  10. 

In  whipping  a  yung  one,  yu  don't  never  ought  tew  stop 
untill  yu  git  klean  thru. 

I  dont  never  hav  enny  trubble  in  regulating  mi  own  kon- 
dukt,  but  tew  keep  other  pholks  straight  iz  what  bothers  m«?. 

Looking  at  pikturs  iz  a  cheap  way  tew  think. 


THE  INTERVIEWER. 

IPITTY  the  poor  Interviewer,  he  iz  not  al \vus  a  bad  phelloM 
at  heart,  but  hiz  trade  iz  a  mean  one,  and  the  bizzness  haz 
spilte  him. 

I  would  rather  lead  a  blind  mule  on  the  tow-path  for  a  liv- 
ing, or  retail  soft  klams  from  a  ricketty  waggon,  than  tew  be 
an  Interviewer,  and  worry  people  with  questions,  they  waz 
afrade  tew  answer  and  too  vain  tew  refuse. 

The  Interviewer  iz  a  human  hosstrich,  feeding  on  enny 
thing  he  kan  find,  and  digesting  eazy  enny  thing  he  can 
swallo. 

He  iz  a  kind  ov  kultivated  hyena,  and  makes  yn  shudder 
to  think,  that  at  enny  moment,  he  may  turn  wild  and  begin 
tew  hunt  for  a  human  beefstake. 

He  haz  just  branes  enuff  tew  keep  hiz  impudence  aktiv, 
and  tho  he  haz  but  little  malice,  he  will  hunt  yu  sharper,  and 
worry  yu  wuss,  than  a  canal  boat  bedbug. 

He  iz  like  a  ritch  cheeze,  chuck  pliull  ov  little  things. 

Thare  iz  no  eskaping  this  breed  ov  kritters,  if  yu  run  they 
will  overtake  yu,  if  yu  steal  into  yure  hole  they  will  either 
dig  for  yu,  or  stand  around  on  the  outside  till  yu  cum  out. 

They  are  wuss  than  a  flea  tew  a  long-haired  dog. 

Interviewers  are  a  cross  between  the  old-fashioned  quid 
nunk  and  the  modern  Buzzer,  and  are  a  pesky  improvement 
on  both. 

Death  itself  iz  no  eskape  from  the  Interviewer,  for  they 

320 


THE  INTERVIEWEE 


32J 


will  hang  around  the  departure  till  they  git  an  item,  and  then 
go  for  the  widow. 

The  Interviewer  would  rather  tell  the  truth  if  he  kan,  but 
aint  discouraged  if  he  iz  forced  tew  tell  what  aint  so. 

They  are  az  dangerous  tew  admit  into  yure  konfidence  az 
a  pickpocket  iz,  not  bekause  they  will  take  enny  spoons,  but 
bekauze  yu  are  haff  afrade  they  will. 

Modesty  would  ruin  an  Interviewer,  delikasy  would  unfit 
him  for  bizzness,  he  kan  even  thrive  without  being  honest, 
and  tew  make  him 
an  adept  in  hiz  call- 
ing, he  dont  require 
enny  more  tender- 
ness than  an  under- 
taker duz. 

Yu  kan  git  rid  ov 
a  hornet  by  brake- 
ing  his  nek,  yu  kan 
outrun  a  blak  snaik, 
and  kan  hide  from 
the  sheriff,  but  the 
Interviewer,  like  the 
cursid  muskeeter  in 
the  dark,  hovers 
around  yu,and  if  he 
don't  bight,  he  sings, 
which  is  the  wusst- 
est  ov  the  two. 

I  hav  bin  lit  onto 
by  the  Interviewer  miself,  and  hav  answered  hiz  questions, 
az  honest  az  ever  a  child  did  the  katekism,  and  the  next  day 
read  the  dialogue  in  the  morning  paper,  and  it  waz  all  az  new 
to  me  az  Old  Probabilitiz  log  ov  the  weather. 

Don't  never  tell  any  sekrets  tew  an  Iiitcrvivwer;  he  will 
open  them  az  they  open  oysters  in  the  market,  and  retail 
them  on  the  haff  shell. 

I  treat  all  interviewers  politely  ;  when  they  begin  tew  bait 
21J 


THE    INTERVIEWER. 


322  MOXOGRAFFS. 

me,  i  ask  them  tew  smoke  (i  never  knu  one  to  refuse),  and 
when  they  press  me  too  clussly  then  i  begin  tew  whissell. 

I  am  an  awful  poor  whissler  enny  liow. 

I  do  really  pitty  the  poor  Interviewer;  he  works  for  hiz 
bread  like  enny  other  skribbler,  and  for  what  i  kno,  hates  the 
bizzness,  but  i  am  sad  when  I  say,  that  if  he  iz  good  at  inter- 
viewing, he  iz  too  impudent  tew  be  good  for  enny  thing  else. 

Sum  people  luv  tew  be  interviewed,  and  i  must  say,  theze 
kind  of  pholks  never  reach  the  dignity  ov  impudence ;  they 
are  simply  disgusting. 

Yu  kant  git  a  journeyman  Interviewer  tew  waste  enny 
time  on  sutch  stale  goods;  he  would  az  soon  think  of  inter- 
viewing a  last  years  birds'  nest,  or  a  kuntry  gide-board. 

Thare  iz  no  kure  for  a  reglar  Interviewer;  he  thirsts  foi 
the  game  like  a  fox  hound  on  the  trak  ;  he  livs  upon  plunder, 
and  would  rather  be  sent  up  for  30  daze  than  to  see  hiz  col- 
lum  in  the  morning  Gazzette  without  a  trophy. 


THE  MUSK  EAT. 

THE  musk  r:it  iz  bigger  than  a  squirrell,  and  smaller  than 
a  woodclmk,  and  iz  az  unlike  them  az  a  Rokaway  klam 
and  a  lobster  are  different  from  each  other. 

lie  iz  amphibikuss,  and  kan  liv  on  the  land  a  good  deal 
longer  than  he  kan  liv  under  the  water. 

He  feeds  upon  roots,  herbs,  and  &oft  klams,  and  smells  like 
the  wake  of  a  fashionable  woman  out  on  parade. 

He  bilds  houses  in  the  winter,  about  az  big  az  flour  barrels, 
all  over  the  marshes,  and  enters  them  from  the  cellar. 

Iliz  phur  iz  worth  just  about  25  cents,  and  aint  lively  in 
market  at  that. 

Yu  kan  ketch  them  in  allmoste  enny  kind  ov  a  trap  that 
haz  got  a  way  tew  git  into  it.  They  are  not  kunuing,  and 
uint  diffikult  tew  suit. 

"When  i  waz  a  boy  i  trapped  every  winter  for  musk  rats, 


THE  MINK.  ;_523 

and  bought  the  fust  pare  ov  skates  i  ever  owned  witli  their 
skins. 

I  hav  seen  them  in  winter  setting  up  on  end  on  tlie  ice, 
cluss  beside  their  Jioles,  az  stiff  az  an  ezklamashun  point,  and 
when  they  see  me  they  change  ends  and  point  down,  like  a 
semicolon,  and  that  wax  the  last  ov  them. 

The  musk  rat  haz  a  flat  tale,  with  no  more  phur  on  it  than 
a  file  haz. 

I  dont  dispize  musk  rat — oh,  no  !- — but  i  dont  worship  him. 

He  haz  but  phew  sins  tew  answer  for;  the  chief  one  iz 
digging  holes  in  the  bank  of  the  Trie  kanal,  and  letting  the 
water  brake  out.  lie  will  hav  tew  answer  for  this  sumtime. 

[  luv  all  the  animals,  all  the  bugs,  all  the  beasts,  all  the  in- 
Hex,  all  the  katterpillars,  bekauze  they  are  so  natral.  They 
are  az  mutch,  if  not  more,  an  evidence  tew  me  ov  the  exis- 
tance,  the  power,  and  the  luv,  ov  an  overruling  Providence, 
as  man  iz. 

I  kan  see  az  mutch  fust  kla:  s  natur  in  an  angleworm, 
akording  tew  the  square  inch,  a::  i  kan  see  in  an  elephant. 

I  luv  tew  go  phooling  around  aiming  the  animiles  ov  all 
kinds  in  a  warm  day  ;  i  had  rather  set  down  bi  the  side  ov  an 
ant  hill  and  see  the  whole  swarm  pitch  onto  a  lazy  kuss  who 
won't  work,  and  run  him  out  ov  the  diggins,  than  tew  set  six 
hours  at  the  opera  and  applaud  what  i  don't  understand,  and 
weep  at  the  spot  whare  the  rest  do,  and  pay  3  dollars  for  the 
privilege  ov  doing  it. 


THE  MINK. 

THE  mink  iz  about  fourth  cuzzin  tew  the  musk  rat,  and  haz 
sum  things  in  common  with  him ;  they  both  smell  alike, 
lie  iz  one  ov  yure  land  and  water  citizens,  and  kan  dive 
deeper,  do  it  quicker,  and  kum  out  dryer  than  enny  thing  i 
kno  ov. 


324  MOKOGKAFFS 

His  phur  iz  one  ov  the  luxurys  ov  the  present  generashnn 
and  iz  worth  az  mutch  akording  tew  its  size  as  one  do?L*.i 
bills  are. 

He  haz  no  very  strong  peknliarity  ov  karakter  except  hir. 
perfume,  which  iz  about  haff  way  in  its  smell  between  the 
beaver  and  the  musk  rat. 

The  mink  haz  4  times  the  kunning  that  the  musk  rat  haz, 
and  iz  bilt  long  and  slim  like  a  little  girl's  stoc-king. 

They  are  not  handy  tew  ketch,  but  when  ketched  are 
skinned  whole. 

I  hav  trapt  a  good  deal  for  mink  and  hav  kaught  them 
mity  little,  for  they  are  almost  az  hard  tew  ketch  in  a  trap 
and  keep  thare  as  a  ray  ov  light  iz. 

Thare  iz  sum  people  who  hav  et  mink,  and  sed  it  waz  good, 
but  i  wouldn't  beleave  sutch  a  man  under  oath,  not  bekauze 
he  ment  tew  lie,  but  bekauze  he  didn't  kno  what  the  truth 
waz. 

I  et  a  piece  ov  biled  wilekat  once,  and  that  haz  lasted  me 
ever  since,  but  i  never  waz  parshall  tew  wild  meat  ennyhow. 

I  lived  25  years  ov  mi  life  whare  game  ov  all  kinds  waz 
plenty.  We  had  bear,  oppossum,  buffalo  and  rattlesnaik,  and 
then  nights  we  had  draw  poker  and  hi  lo  Jak,  just  tew  waste 
the  time  a  leetle. 


THE  DISTKIKT  SKOOLMASTER. 

THARE  iz  one  man  in  this  basement  world  that  i  alwni 
look  upon  with  mixt  pheelings  ov  pitty  and  respekt. 

Pitty  and  respekt,  az  a  genral  mixtur,  don't  mix  well. 

You  will  find  them  both  traveling  around  amungst  folks, 
but  not  growing  on  the  same  bush. 

When  they  do  hug  each  other,  they  mean  sumthing. 

Pitty,  without  respekt,  hain't  got  much  more  oatsiu  it  than 
tlisgust  haz. 

I  had  rather  a  man  would  hit  me  on  the  side  ov  the  lied 
than  teMr  pitty  me 


THE  DISTRIKT  SKOOLMASTEE.  325 

But  thare  iz  one  man  in  this  world  to  whom  i  alwus  take 
oph  mi  hat,  and  remain  uncovered  untill  he  gits  safely  by, 
and  that  iz  the  distrikt  skoolmaster. 

"When  I  meet  him,  I  look  upon  him  az  a  martyr  just  return- 
ing from  the  stake,  or  on  hiz  way  thare  tew  be  cooked. 

He  leads  a  more  lonesum  and  single  life  than  an  old  bach- 
elor, and  a  more  anxious  one  than  an  old  maid. 

He  iz  remembered  jist  about  az  long  and  affektionately  az 
a  gide  board  iz  by  a  traveling  pack  pedlar. 

If  he  undertakes  tew  make  hiz  skollars  luv  him,  the  chancea 
are  he  will  neglekt  their  laming ;  and  if  he  don't  lick  them 
now  and  then  pretty  often,  they  will  soon  lick  him. 

The  distrikt  skoolmaster  hain't  got  a  friend  on  the  flat  side 
ov  earth.  The  boys  snow-ball  him  during  recess  ;  the  girls 
put  water  in  hiz  hair  die  ;  and  the  skool  committee  make  him 
work  for  haff  the  money  a  bartender  gits,  and  board  him 
around  the  naberhood,  whare  they  giv  him  rhy  coffee,  sweet- 
ened with  mollassis,  tew  drink,  and  kodfish  bawls  3  times  a 
day  for  vittles. 

And,  with  all  this  abuse,  I  never  heard  ov  a  distrikt  skool- 
master swareing  enny  thing  louder  than — Condem  it. 

Don't  talk  tew  me  about  the  pashunce  ov  anshunt  Job. 

Job  had  pretty  plenty  ov  biles  all  over  him,  no  doubt,  but 
they  were  all  ov  one  breed. 

Every  yung  one  in  a  distrikt  skool  iz  a  bile  ov  a  diffrent 
breed,  and  each  one  needs  a  diffrent  kind  ov  poultiss  tew  git 
a  good  head  on  them. 

A  distrikt  skoolmaster,  who  duz  a  square  job  and  takes  hiz 
codfish  bawls  reverently,  iz  a  better  man  to  day  tew  hav  lie- 
ing  around  loose  than  Soloman  would  be  arrayed  in  all  ov  hiz 
glory. 

Soloman  waz  better  at  writing  proverbs  and  manageing  a 
large  family,  than  he  would  be  tew  navigate  a  distrikt  skool 
hous. 

Enny  man  who  haz  kept  a  distrikt  skool  for  ten  years,  and 
boarded  around  the  naberhood,  ought  tew  be  made  a  mager 
gineral,  and  hav  a  penshuii  for  the  rest  ov  hiz  natral  days, 
and  a  hoss  and  waggin  tew  do  hiz  going  around  in. 


326  MONOGRAFFS. 

Bui,  az  a  genral  consequence,  a  distrikt  skoolmaster  hain't 
got  any  more  warm  friends  than  an  old  blind  fox  houn  haz. 

He  iz  jist  about  az  welkum  az  a  tax  gatherer  iz. 

He  is  respekted  a  good  deal  az  a  man  iz  whom  we  owe  a 
debt  ov  50  dollars  to  and  don't  mean  tew  pay. 

He  goes  through  life  on  a  back  road,  az  poor  az  a  wood  sled, 
and  finally  iz  missed — but  what  ever  bekums  ov  liiz  remains, 
i  ka;:t  tell. 

Fortunately  he  iz  not  often  a  sensitive  man ;  if  he  waz,  he 
couldn't  enny  more  keep  a  distrikt  skool  than,  he  could  file  a 
kross  kut  saw. 

"Whi  iz  it  that  theze  men  and  wimmen,  who  pashuntly  and 
with  crazed  brain  teach  our  remorseless  brats  the  tejus  mean- 
ing ov  the  alphabet,  who  take  the  fust  welding  heat  on  their 
destinys,  who  lay  the  stepping  stones  and  enkurrage  them  tew 
mount  upwards,  who  hav  dun  more  hard  and  mean  work  than 
enny  klass  on  the  futstool,  who  have  prayed  over  the  repro- 
bate, strengthened  the  timid,  restrained  the  outrageous,  and 
flattered  the  imbecile,  who  hav  lived  on  kodfish  and  vile  coffee, 
and  hain't  been  heard  to  sware — win  iz  it  that  they  are  treated 
like  a  vagrant  fiddler,  danced  to  for  a  night,  paid  oph  in  the 
morning,  and  eagerly  forgotten  ? 

1  had  rather  burn  a  coal  pit,  or  keep  the  flys  out  ov  a 
butcher's  shop  in  the  month  ov  August,  than  meddle  with  the 
distrikt  skool  bizzness. 


SINGULAR  BEINGS. 


THE    POMPOUS    MAN. 

THE  pompous  man  iz  generally  a  snob  at  home  and  abroad. 
He  fills  himself  up  with  an  east  wind  and  thinks  he  iz  grate 
just  bekauze  he  happens  tew  feel  big. 

He  talks  loud  and  large,  but  deceives  noboddy  who  will 
take  the  trubble  tew  meazzure  him. 

He  iz  a  man  ov  small  caliber,  but  a  good  deal  ov  bore. 


SINGULAR  BEINGS. 


327 


fliz  family  looks  upon  him  az  the  gratest  man  that  tl»o 
world  haz  had  the  honor  to  produce  lately,  and  tho  he  gits 
snubbed  often  amungst  folks,  he  lekompenses  himself  bi 
home  and  snubbing  hiz  family. 


THE   ONE   IDEA   MAN. 

The  one  idea  man  iz  like  the  merino  ram,  he  shuts  up  both 
eyes  and  goze  for  things 
inkontinently.  He 
misses,  ov  course,  of  ten- 
er  than  he  hits,  but 
don't  kno  the  differ- 
ence, and  is  always 
reddy  to  argue  the 
question-  Yu  kant 
konvinec  him  that  he 
iz  wrong  enny  more 
than  you  kan  a  hornet. 
*  One  idea  men  are 
their  own  wust  ene- 
mys,  and  there  iz  but 
one  kure  for  them,  and 
that  iz  tew  agree  with 
them.  If  yu  think  just 
az  they  do,  they  will 
soon  want  tew  think 
sum  other  way,  and  that  lets  two  ideas  git  into  their  bed, 
which  makes  them  perhaps  endurable. 

THE    HAPPY    MAN. 

The  happy  man  iz  a  poor  judge  of  hiz  own  bliss,  for  he 
kant  set  down  and  desk  ri  be  it. 

Happiness  iz  like  helth  —  thoze  who  hav  the  most  ov  It 
seem  tew  kno  it  the  least. 

Yu  kant  ro  out  in  the  spring  ov  the  year  and  gather  happi- 
ness along  the  side  ov  the  road  just  the  same  az  you  would 


THE  YANKEE,  THAT  IS  ALWAYS  RKDDY  TO  ARGUE 
THE  QUESTION. 


328  MONOGKAFFS, 

dandylions — noboddy  but  a  natral  born  phool  lean  do  this 
they  are  alwus  happy,  ov  course. 

When  i  hear  a  man  bragging  how  happy  he  iz,  he  dont 
cheat  me,  he  only  cheat;  himself. 

THE    HENPECKED   MAN. 

The  henpecked  man  iz  most  generally  married ;  but  thare 
are  instances  on  reckon!  of  single  men  being  harrassed  by  the 
pullets. 

Yu  kan  alwus  tell  one  ov  theze  kind  ov  men,  espeshily  if 
they  are  in  the  company  ov  their  wives.  They  look  az  hum- 
ble and  resiglmed  tew  their  fate  az  a  hen  turkey  in  a  wet 
day. 

Thare  aint  nothing  that  will  take  the  starch  out  ov  a  man 
like  being  pecked  by  a  woman.  It  is  wuss  than  a  seven  months' 
turn  ov  the  fever  and  agy. 

The  wives  ov  hen-pecked  husbands  most  alwus  out  liv  their 
viktims,  and  I  hav  known  them  tew  git  man-id  agin,  and  git 
hold  ov  a  man  that  time  (thank  the  Lord  /)  who  understood  ali^ 
the  hen-peck  dodges. 

One  ov  these  kind  ov  husbands  iz  an  honor  tew  his  sex. 

The  hen-pecked  man,  when  he  gits  out  amungst  men,  puts 
on  an  air  ov  bravery  and  defiance,  and  once  in  a  while  will 
git  a  leetle  drunk,  and  then  go  home  with  a  firm  resolve  that 
he  will  be  captain  ov  his  household  ;  but  the  old  woman  soon 
takes  the  glory  out  ovhim,  and  handles  him  just  az  she  would 
a  haft-grown  .chicken,  who  had  fell  into  the  swill  barrel,  and 
had  tew  be  jerked  out  dredful  quick. 

THE   OFFICIOUS   MAN. 

The  officious  man  stands  around  nibbing  his  hands,  anxious 
for  a  job. 

He  seems  tew  ake  for  sumthing  tew  do,  and  if  he  gits  snub- 
bed in  one  place,  it  don't  seem  tew  diskourage  him,  but  like 
the  fly,  he  lights  on  another. 

The  officious  man  iz  az  free  from  malice  as  a  young  pup, 
who,  if  he  kant  do  anything  else,  iz  reddy  tew  lay  down  in 
front  of  yu  and  be  stept  on. 


SINGULAR  BEINGS.  329 

Theze  kind  ov  men  spend  their  who!  •  lives  trieing  tew  make 
friends ov  all,  and  never  succeed  with  any. 

There  iz  a  kind  ov  oftL-ious  man,  who  iz  only  prompted  hi 
his  vanity,  hiz  anxiety  tew  he  useful  tew  others  don't  arise 
from  enny  goodness  ov  heart,  but  simply  from  a  desire  ov 
stiking  hiz  uoze  into  things. 

Theze  kind  ov  individuals  are  supremely  disgusting. 

The  officious  man  iz  generally  ov  no  use  whatever  tew  him 
self,  and  a  nusance  tew  every boddy  else. 

I  don't  know  ov  but  phew  more  unfortnnit  disposishun.s 
t  an  the  officious  mans,  for  even  in  its  very  best  phase,  it  sel- 
dom suckceedes  in  gittiug  paid  for  its  labors  with  common 
politeness. 

THE    PHUNNY    MAN. 

Thare  iz  hardly  ennything  that  a  man  iz  so  vain  ov  az  the 
humor  that  iz  in  him. 

The  phunny  man  iz  sold  urn  an  humorist,  and  never  a  wit. 

Hiz  only  pride  iz  tew  make  you  laft';  he  fceldum  rizes  abuv 
a  jest,  and  very  often  iz  the  only  one  who  ktm  see  enny  point 
even  in  that. 

He  iz  generally  the  hero  ov  the  ockashun  in  the  rural  dis- 
trikts,  and  kimtry  bumbkins  luff  obstreprous  whenever  he 
opens  his  mouth. 

The  phunny  man  \/.  the  clown  at  large,  and  hiz  jests  are 
sumtimes  amazing,  but  never  remembered. 

Thare  iz  seldum  enny  taint  ov  originality  in  him,  and  the 
quips  and  the  quirks  he  deals  in  are  old  saws  reset  and  refiled, 
and  bad  enuff  done  at  that. 

It  iz  a  dredful  unfortunit  thing  tew  deal  in  cast  oph  jokes ; 
for,  like  the  old  clothes  bizzness,  they  will  stick  tew  a  man 
all  thru  life. 

THE    CHEEKY    MAN. 

Impudence,  or  sumthing  like  it,  iz  the  leading  trait  in  most 
suckcessful  mens  karakters. 

All  the  nice  things  that  hav  bin  sed  in  favour  ov  modesty, 


330  MONOGRAFFS. 

fail  tew  stand  the  test  when  brought  into  the  pull  and  haul  of 
every-day  life. 

Bold  assurance,  while  it  may  often  disgust  \\s,  will  win  9 
times  out  ov  10. 

We  all  ov  us  praze  the  modest,  but  our  praze  iz  only  a  kind 
ov  pitty,  and  pitty  will  ruin  enny  man. 

Enny  man  will  li v  four  times  az  long  ou  abuse,  and  git  phatt, 
az  he  will  on  pitty. 

Thare  iz  now  and  then  a  man  who  iz  modest,  but  intensely 
in  earnest,  and  sutch  men  sweep  everything  before  them. 

The  karakter  ov  the  modest  man  iz  a  good  thing,  and  a 
butif ul  thing  tew  frame  and  hang  up  in  a  private  apartment, 
but  experience  teaches  us  that  if  we  wait  for  our  turn  in  this 
world,  our  turn  never  seems  tew  come  round. 

The  cheeky  man  never  enjoys  thoze  delightful  sensations 
which  arize  from  having  yielded  tew  others ;  hiz  logick  iz  that 
the  arly  bird  gits  the  worm,  and,  regardless  ov  all  delikasy, 
he  goze  for  the  worm. 

Thare  seems  tew  be  nothing  now  daze  that  will  warrant 
sukcess  like  cheek,  and  the  more  cheek  the  better,  even  if  you 
hav  az  mutch  as  a  mule. 

THE    LIVE    MAN. 

The  Live  Man  iz  like  the  little  pig;  he  iz  weaned  young, 
and  begins  tew  root  arly. 

He  iz  the  pepper-sass  ov  creation — the  all-spice  ov  the  world. 

One  Live  Man  in  a  village  is  like  a  case  ov  itch  in  adistrikt 
skool — he  sets  evry  boddy  scratching  at  onst. 

A  man  who  kan  drawr  New  Orleans  molasses  in  the  month 
ov  January,  thru  a  half  inch  augur-hole,  and  sing  "Home! 
sweet  home  !"  while  the  molasis  iz  running,  may  be  strictly 
honest,  but  he  aint  sudden  enufF  for  this  climate. 

The  Live  Man  iz  az  full  ov  bizness  az  the  conductor  ov  a 
street  kar — he  iz  often  like  a  hornet,  very  bizzy,  but  about 
what,  the  Lord  only  knows. 

Pie  lights  np  like  a  cotton  faktory,  and  haint  got  enny  more 
time  tew  spare  than  a  skool-boy  has  Saturday  afternoons. 


SINGULAR  BEINGS.  331 

He  is  like  A  decoy  duck,  alwus  above  water,  And  lives  af 
least  18  months  each  year. 

He  is  like  a  runaway  hoss ;  he  gits  the  whole  ov  the  road. 

He  trots  when  he  walks,  and  lies  down  at  night  only  bekauxe 
every boddy  else  dnz. 

The  live  man  is  not  always  a  deep  thinker  ;  he  jumps  at 
conclusion?,  just  as  the  frog  duz,  and  don't  alwus  land  at  the 
spot  he  is  looking  at. 

He  is  the  Amerikan  pet,  a  perfekt  mystery  tew  foreigners ; 
but  he  has  done  more  (with  charcoal)  tew  work  out  the  great- 
ness of  this  country  than  any  other  man  in  it. 

He  is  jist  as  necessary  as  the  grease  on  an  axle-tree. 

He  don't  alwus  die  ritch,  but  alwus  dies  bizzy,  and  meets 
death  a  good  deal  az  an  oyster  duz,  without  making  enny  fuss. 

THE    FAULT-FINDER. 

Good  Lord,  deliver  us  from  the  Fait  finder,  one  ov  yure 
kronick  grunters,  i  mean.  Tlieze  kind  ov  human  crit- 
ters are  alwuss  full  ov  self  consait ;  if  tha  waz  humble  and 
wud  dam  themself  okasionally,  i  wild  try  tew  pity  them. 
Yure  falt-finding  old-bachelor,  for  instanze,  odars  a  pair  ov 
No.  8  boots,  and  then  kolides  with  his  shu  maker  insted  ov  his 
big  feet ;  he  walks  tew  the  depo  tew  saive  hack-hire  and 
misses  the  trane,  and  then  kolides  with  the  time-table ;  he 
kourts  a  gal  till  she  has  tew  marry  sumboddy  else  tew  keep 
from  spileing,  and  then  he  don't  believe  thare  is  a  vartuous 
woman  living.  If  he  enjoys  ennything  he  dus  it  under  pro- 
tess,  and  if  ennyboddy  else  enjoys  ennything  he  knows  tha 
lie  about  it.  He  is  like  a  seckund  rate  bull  tarrier,  alwus  a 
fiteing,  and  alwus  gitting  licked.  These  kind  ov  critters  never 
are  reddy  tew  die,  bekause  tha  haint.  never  begun  tew  live.  I 
never  maik  their  ackqnaintanse  enny  more  than  i  dew  surn- 
boddy's  small  pox,  bekause  i  am  a  looking  after  bright  things 
and  haint  got  enny  to  lose.  Thare  aint  enny  remedee  for  this 
dissease  but  hunger,  and  that  aint  parmanent  unless  it  results 
in  starvashun.  Good  Lord,  deliver  us  from  the  falt-finder  ! 
if  yu  undertake  tew  argy  with  them  yu  onla  flatter  them,  and 


332 


MOKOGHAFFS. 


if  yu  jine  in  with  them  yu  onla  maik  them  mad  with  them 
sells. 

I  had  rather  be  a  target  for  awl  the  bad  Ink  in  this  wurk) 
than  tew  go  thru  life  slmteing  a  pizen  arrow  at  awl  the  good 
Ink.  The  more  i  think  ov  it,  the  more  i  keep  thinking  that 
f alt-finding  iz  verry  much  like  bobing  for  eels  with  a  raw 
potater ;  a  fust  rate  wa  tew  git  out  ov  eonsait  ov  awl  kinds  ov 
fishing,  and  a  fust  rate  wa  not  tew  ketch  enny  eels. 

Thare  are  many  singular  beins  in  this  world,  but  i  fancy 
khe  singularest  are  the 


JOSH  AND  THE  BOEDER  INJUN. 

YU  inform  me,  mi  dear  sir,  that  yu  are  a  member  ov  the 
sosiety  "  for  the  prevenshun  ov  kruelty  tew  animiles." 
Allow  me  tew  simpathize  with  yu,  bi  saying,  that  i  am  glad 
ov  it. 

It  iz  a  nobel  institushun,  and  stands  ahed  ov  the  preven 
shun  ov  krueltv  tew  humans. 


JOSH  AND  THE  BORDER  INJUN.  333 

It  iz  a  fakt,  that  thoze  who  are  kind  tew  animiles,  are  kind 
tew  humans. 

I  am  not  acquainted  with  Mr.  Bergh,  the  president  ov  yure 
assosiashun,  whom  yu  speak  ov  so  kindly,  i  dont  kno  him 
personally,  but  i  kno  him  at  a  distance,  he  is  very  tall. 

In  yure  letter  tew  me,  yu  speak  very  tenderly  about  the 
Injuns,  and  ask  me,  "  if  thare  aint  sum  way,  tew  alleviate  the 
condishun  ov  the  nobel  red  man  on  our  frontier.'' 

Yu  say  yu  are  willing  tew  bekum  a  missionary,  and  go 
amung  them,  and  labur  for  their  good. 

The  injun,  mi  dear  sir,  iz  a  pekuliar  kuss. 

He  haz  the  most  ardent  simpathizers  amung  thoze  who 
dont  kno  him  the  mnchest. 

In  the  komposishun  ov  the  skool  girl,  the  injun  maiden 
bekums  a  brik,  and  when  the  boys  speak  about  him,  they 
speak  ov  his  bo  and  arrows,  and  hiz  nobel  natur. 

Most  people  kno  the  injun  from  the  Hiawatha  stand  point, 
but  i  git  mi  informashun  from  the  kritter  himself. 

I  dont  liv  amungst  him  now,  but  in  the  early  years  ov  mi 
misfortunes,  in  this  latitude,  i  bekum  striktly  acquainted  with 
the  nobel  injun  az  he  iz,  not  so  mutch  az  he  ought  tew  be, 
nor  az  poets  hav  tost  him  up. 

I  hav  saw  him  in  hiz  natiff  buty  at  home,  and  hav  mi 
opinyun  ov  him,  which  i  am  willing  tew  impart  tew  yn,  at 
fust  cost. 

Mi  advice  tew  yu,  iz  tew  stay  with  Mr.  Bergh,  and  stick 
tew  the  stage  hoss,  and  make  him  az  comfortable  az  yu  kan, 
and  not  waste  enny  philanthropy,  nor  hallelujah,  on  the  bor- 
der injun. 

Thare  ain't  a  more  villainous  individual,  now  loafing  around 
loose,  on  the  footstool,  than  Mr.  Lo,  the  injun. 

The  minnit  an  injun  bekums  what  yu  kail  civilized,  that 
minnit  he  iz  spilte. 

A  civilized  injun  aint  ov  enny  more  use  tew  himself,  az  a 
means  ov  grace,  nor  ennyboddy  else,  than  ;i  tame  deer. 

If  thare  could  be  found  an  ilaml,  in  the  depths  of  the  sea, 
vvhare  it  waz  sure,  no  white  man,  nor  blak  man,  nor  blue  man. 


334  MONOGRAFFS. 

would  ever  go,  it  mite  do  tew  stock  it,  with  the  injuns  now 
residing  on  our  border,  and  let  them  civilize  each  other. 

I  am  willing  tew  admit,  thare  iz  a  difference  in  the  various 
tribes  ov  injuns. 

Sum  are  wuss  than  others,  but  civilizashun  haz  never  been 
ov  enny  uze  tew  an  injun. 

If  yu  ask  enny  border  man,  one  who  knos  the  kritters,  he 
will  tell  yu  the  same  story. 

Sunday  skools  are  a  good  place  tew  learn  the  katekism,  and 
git  the  hang  ov  the  10  commandments,  but  tew  knothe  injun, 
mi  dear  sir,  yu  must  go  amungst  him. 

Yu  kant  studdy  injun,  and  lay  around  a  meeting  house  all 
the  time,  i  am  sorry  for  this,  but  i  dont  konsider  that  i  am 
tew  blame  for  it. 

As  i  sed  above,  stick  tew  the  omnibust  boss,  he  iz,  in  mi 
opinyun,  a  more  fit,  and  better  paying  investment,  for  yure 
kindness,  than  the  best  Blackfeet  injun  thare  iz  now  in  the 
rocky  mountains. 

If  yu  should  go  amungst  this  tribe,  az  a  fust  class  mission 
ary,  yu  mite  eskape  with  yure  life,  and  possibly  with  yure 
skalp,  if  yu  did,  you  would  have  sumthing  tew  brag  ov,  the 
rest  ov  yure  life. 

The  grate  trubble  iz,  the  injun  wont  larn  the  virtews  ov 
civilizashun,  he  iz  satisfied  with  laming  the  vices,  and  only 
studdiz  how  tew  improve  on  them. 

Kruelty,  and  deceit,  are  the  leading  artikles  in  an  injuns 
natur,  and  yu  mite  az  well  undertaik  tew  break  the  wiggle 
out  ov  a  snaix,  or  the  sting  out  ov  a  hornet,  az  tew  git  theze 
two  vices  out  ov  enny  specimen  ov  human  natur,  when  they 
form  the  basis  ov  karakter. 

Kindness  towards  an  injun,  is  no  gurantee  ov  safety. 
When  yu  are  amungst  injuns,  keep  yure  hand  on  yure 
revolver,  and  yure  eye  over  yure  shoulder. 

When  i  vraz  a  very  pretty  boy,  and  fust  began  tew  dwell 
amung  romances,  i  red  menny  ov  the  tales,  told  so  well,  about 
the  injun,  and  thought,  how  i  would  like  tew  be  an  nobel 
injun,  and  hav  a  wigwam,  and  foller  the  boun:"in;r  deer,  and 


JOSH  AND  THE  BOKDEIi  ISJUX. 


335 


lay  mi  venson  at  the  icet  ov  a  dark  komplekted  buty,  and 
several  more  things,  ov  this  prerswashun,  but  sum  years  after, 
i  found  mi  self  on  the  trail,  and  had  ail  the  iujun  poetry  taken 
out  ov  me,  never  more  tew  cum  back. 

I  dont  wish  tew  hurt  ennyboddys  aktual  pheelings,  who 
have  made  up  their  minds,  that  the  injun  iz  a  nobel  kritter,  but 
5  will  say  tew  them, 
stay  at  home,  and  en- 
joy yure  sentiments. 

Dont  go  am  ting 
the  nobel  red  man, 
now  on  our  frontier, 
but  stay  at  home,  and 
write  sum  stanzas 
about  him,  and  civil- 
ize him  at  a  distance. 

I  hav  never  had 
but  one  plan  tew  civ- 
ilize the  injun,  since 
i  hav  got  old  enuff 
tew  do  him  enny 
good,  and  this  plan 
iz  more  unique,  than 
elegant. 

Mi  plan  iz  simpli 
thU6> — let  the  government  otter  10  dollars  for  every  injun  civ- 
ilized, and  let  the  proof  ov  civilizasliun  be  the  hair  ov  the 
injuns  head,  with  the  skin  attached  tew  it. 

Now  menny  folks  will  hold  up  their  hands,  in  number  o:tu 
horror,  at  this  plan,  but  i  will  bet  on  the  plan. 

This  iz  the  only  way  tew  civilize  the  kind  ov  injun  that  i 
am  a  talking  ov,  and  not  hav  tew  do  the  work  over  agin. 

1  dont  klaim  tew  be  the  original  pattentee  ov  this  plan  o\ 
civilizashun,  sumthing  like  it  occurred  in  the  palmy  daze  ov 
Noah,  when  the  best  plan  for  civilizashun,  that  could  be 
thought  ov,  waz  tew  wipe  out  the  whole  race  ov  human  brings 
and  make  sum  more. 


&36  MONOGRAFFS. 

This  iz  mi  plan,  for  noble  red  men,  on  the  frontier,  wipe 
them  out,  but  here  i  pauze,  i  say,  dont  make  enny  more. 

Try  sum  other  breed  ov  human  kritter. 

Mi  opinyun,  mi  dear  sir,  about  the  missionary  bizzness, 
haz  alwus  bin,  that  it  iz  a  profitable  bizzness,  well  followed, 
but  thare  iz  several  good 'ways  tew  co  it,  and  several  good 
men  tew  invest  in  the  undertaking. 

Sum  are  kalkulated  tew  make  the  good  better,  sum  are  kal- 
kulated  tew  make  the  better  almost  perfekt,  but  thare  aint 
but  phew,  ov  the  right  bore,  kalkulated  tew  work  in  the  vine- 
yard ov  the  wild  border  savage,  and  thoze,  are  theze,  whoze 
piety  konsists,  in  shooting  at  a  mark,  and  hitting  the  bull's 
eye  every  time. 

I  say  once  more,  mi  friend,  stick  to  the  omnibust  boss,  and 
let  thoze  missionary s,  on  the  borders,  the  skalps  ov  whoze 
wifes,  and  children,  are  now  hung  up  az  trophys  in  the  wig- 
wams ov  the  nobel  red  man,  let  them  civilize  the  injuns. 

They  will  do  it  so  that  it  will  stay  did. 

I  am  the  last  man  tew  throw  enny  thing  in  the  way  ov 
yure  gitting  a  good  job,  espeshily  in  the  missionary  bizzness, 
but  i  kant  reckomend  enny  man,  tew  thispartiknlar  situashnn, 
unless  i  kno  he  understands  the  use  ov  a  gain  twist  rifle,  and 
kan  civilize  a  Pawnee,  every  time,  440  yards,  with  a  cross 
wind. 


THE  CUNNING  MAN. 

/RUNNING  iz  often  took  for  wisdum,  but  it  iz  the  mere 
\J  skum  that  rizes  when  wisdum  biles  her  pot,  it  hath  not  the 
stride  ov  wisdum,  neither  haz  it  the  honesty  ov  wisdum,  itiz 
more  like  instinkt,  than  it  iz  like  reazon. 

Cunning  ain't  good  at  begetting,  it  iz  better  at  executing, 
it  iz  like  the  wisdum  ov  a  kat,  fust  rate  tew  watch  a  rat  hole. 

The  cunning  man  haz  two  virtues  alwus  prominent,  patience, 
and  energy,  without  these  he  would  fall  below  the  kat,  and 
fail  tew  git  hiz  mouse. 


THE  CUNNING  MAN.  337 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  cunning  men  who  are  like  an  m^killfui 
trapper,  who  knows  how  tew  set  a  trap,  but  hain't  got  the  wis- 
dum  tew  bait  it. 

Cunning  men  alwus  hav  a  speciality,  such  az  it  ix,  i  hav 
seen  them  who  could  ride  a  mule  tew  a  spot,  but  who  set  a 
Scss  awkwardly. 

Thare  iz  this  average  between  a  cunning  man  and  a  wise 
man,  the  cunning  man's  wisdum  iz  alwus  on  the  outside  ov 
hiz  face,  lie  kant  hide  it,  it  iz  alwus  squirting  out  ov  the  cor- 
ner ov  his  eyes,  while  the  wize  man  carry s  hiz  grist  deep, 
stowed  away  in  hiz  heart,  and  don't  use  hiz  wisdum  tew  find 
ockasions,  but  tew  master  them,  when  they  pop  up. 

Cunning  men  have  grate  caution,  bekauze  they  serpoze 
themselfs  watched,  inasmutch  az  they  are  alwus  watching 
others. 

They  hav  but  few  brains,  but  what  they  hav,  are  petro- 
leum, and  their  brains  being  few,  and  greasy,  enables  them 
tew  fetch  them  tew  a  focus  sudden. 

It  iz  hard  work  to  be  very  cunning  and  very  honest,  at  the 
same  timer  i  reckon  this,  bekauze  i  dont  see  the  two  hugging 
and  kissing  each  other  very  much. 

Cunning  haz  a  skandalous  pedigree,  he  iz  the  babe  ov 
wisdum,  and  Fraud,  and  iz  the  only  child  they  ever  had,  but 
looks  and  ackts  just  like  his  ma. 

It  would  take  a  big  book  tew  make  an  almanack  ov  a  cun- 
ning man,  and  the  changes  in  him,  fits,  starts,  and  doubles, 
and  hiz  windings,  hiz  in's  and  hiz  outs,  the  parables  in  which 
he  talks,  and  the  double  entenders  ov  hiz  face,  awl  that  he 
duz,  and  awl  that  he  thinks,  are  "for  effekt. 

Cunning  men's  advice  iz  hard  tew  follow,  bekause  their 
wisdum  iz  made  like  a  bed  quilt,  out  ov  patches,  and  iz  aiso 
composed  ov  shifts,  for  the  emergincy  ov  an  ockasion,  tew 
mutch  for  a  stiddy  diet. 

If  you  don't  understand  wiggling  yourself,  or  the  rudi- 
ments ov  it,  yu  must  not  git  yure  advice  from  the  cunning 
man. 

Cunning  haz  alwus  passed  for  wisdum,  and  will 


338  MONOGRAFFS. 

on  to  do  so,  az  long  az  pi  tools  last,  and  phools  will  last  az  lon« 
az  enny  boddy  else  duz,  and  sustane  their  reputashun. 

Cunning  iz  alwus  selfish,  bekauze  it  iz  not  ov  mutch 
breadth,  while  wisdum  can  afford  tew  be  magnanimous,  and 
hav  sumthing  left  over. 

But  the  ways  and  dodges  ov  cunning  are  past  finding  out, 
yu  might  az  well  undertake  tew  track  a  snake  in  the  grass, 
when  the  dew  iz  off',  or  a  fox,  in  a  straight  line  tew  hiz  hole. 
Cunning  men  are  not  very  dangerous,  they  hav  so  mutch 
vanity,  and  their  vanity  satisfied  their  ambition  iz,  and  when 
vanity  takes  the  place  ov  ambishun,  we  are  more  amuzed  than 
alarmed. 

Cunning  men,  in  the  hands  ov  wize  men,  are  useful,  more 
useful,  quite  often,  than  honesty,  bekauze  they  are  more  sud- 
den, and  less  sempelous. 

It  is  safer  tew  entrust  a  sekret  tew  a  cunning  man.  than  a 
clever  man,  the  clever  man  is  sure  tew  spill  it,  the  cunning 
one  may  use  it  aginst  yu,  but  he  iz  eazier  tew  watch,  and  con- 
trol, than  the  good  natured  fellow,  who,  like  a  young  pup, 
lays  down,  rools  over,  and  \vags  himself  in  front  ov  evry  mar< 
he  meets. 

Cunning  men  hav  manny  associates,  but  few  intimates,  they 
sumtimes  hunt  in  couples,  but  are  apt  tew  fight,  when  they 
cum  to  divide  the  plunder. 

The  Deceitful  Cuss. — An  open  enemy,  a  hearty  hater,  a 
bold  dead-beater,  an  imperious  friend,  a  phoolish  chum,  a 
reckless  companyun,  anything  in  shape  ov  human,  or  ov  brute, 
and  even  aul  things  devlish,  are  mince  pies  with  raizing  in 
them,  compared  tew  a  slipping,  sneaking  Deceit,  who,  unde? 
the  guize  and  garments  ov  being  in  love  with  yon,  chaws  tob- 
baker  out  ov  jure  box,  and  lies  tew  yu  evry  time  he  tells  yu 
the  truth. 

Thezc  human  polecats  are  thick  in  this  world,  their  eyes 
are  like  the  kats,  made  tew  see  in  the  dark,  they  hav  the  faco 
ov  a  sheep,  and  the  heart  ov  a  snaik,  they  kan  kry  at  an  im- 
promptu christening,  they  are  az  full  ov  cunning  az  a  she 
opposum,  and  would  rather  fail  in  an  enterprise  tha:i  to  doit 
honestly. 


THE  CUNNING  MAN.  33>* 

These  critters,  az  awkward  as  it  may  seem,  are  full  ov  vanity 
and  ambishun,  and  their  vanity  and  ambishun  iz  tew  play  lion 
under  a  sheep's  skin. 

It  iz  a  strange  ambishun  that  a  man  will  cultivate  wisdura 
only  for  the  sake  ov  being  cunning,  that  lie  will  perfect  him- 
self in  the  art  and  imagery  of  love  and  friendship  for  the  sake 
ov  counterfitting  them,  that  he  will  studdy  pitty  for  gain,  that 
he  will  work  hard  for  the  devil  at  2  shillings  a  day,  and  finally, 
that  he  will  practiss  the  rudiments  ov  awl  the  virtews  ov 
soshul  life,  simply  for  the  sake  ov  doing  with  a  good  grace 
what  iz  shameful  and  wicked  to  do  at  all. 

I  hav  know  men  ov  this  brand,  who  where  not  wholly 
malishus,  who  would  aktually  dew  yu  a  good  turn  to-morrow 
if  they  could  cheat  yu  to-day,  who  deceive  not  entirely  for 
gain,  but  tew  keep  their  tools  whet,  who  hav  sum  excellent 
traits,  which  sumtimes  drop  out  seemingly  by  mistake. 

But  a  natral  crook  toward  deception  iz  like  the  bight  ov  a 
fnad  dogg,  it  may  sleep  for  a  long  time  in  the  veins  ov  its 
viktim,  very  well  behaved  pizen,  watching  for  a  good  time, 
but  sooner  or  later,  when  least  expekted,  the  virus  begins  tew 
play  dorg  by  asserting  its  dredful  prerogative. 

It  don't  cure  theze  vermin  tew  ketch  them,  if  they  waz 
rats,  which  we  could  drown  in  the  trap,  it  would  be  bully,  but 
letting  them  go  only  makes  them  the  more  cunning. 

Deception  iz  one  ov  the  sciences,  it  haz  its  deakons,  elders 
and  hod  carriers,  the  world  swarms  with  them,  all  ov  the 
pimps  among  them,  such  az  the  wodden  nutmeg  makers,  and 
the  small  beer-cheats,  we  kan  punish  enuff  by  dispising,  but 
what  reward,  short  ov  the  gibbet,  or  at  least  the  whipping 
post,  iz  equal  tew  the  villainous  cuss  who  creeps  on  hiz  body 
into  yure  confidense,  a  subdued  and  shivering  snake,  and 
warms  up  into  a  viper. 

Ingratitude  iz  one  ov  them  diabolikal  crimes  that  awl  men 
hate,  but  leave  the  punishment  to  heaven. 

The  Domestik  Man  iz  ov  a  maskuline  and  feminine  ten- 
dency—  half  and  half — and  sumtimes  more  so. 

lie  kan  most  generallv  be  found  at  home — when  he  air,: 
wanted. 


340  MUNOGRAFFS. 

He  iz  a  kind  ov  second  lutennant  in  hiz  family,  under  liafl 
pa}T,  with  promiss  of  pronioslnin. 

He  kan  beat  hiz  wife  bileing  soap,  or  missing  the  baby,  and 
she  kan  beat  him,  in  the  4th  ward,  running  for  perlice  consta- 
bel. 

He  iz  alwus  reddy  tew  do  ennything — when  hiz  wife  iz. 

He  iz  a  kind  ov  spy  in  the  household,  and  iz  treated  az  such 
by  the  whole  family.  The  servants  luff  at  him,  and  the  chil- 
dren dont  fear  him. 

He  iz  az  fierce  as  an  old  hen  setting  on  one  egg,  and  just 
about  az  dangerous. 

Hiz  wife  marrid  him,  not  out  ov  love,  but  out  ov  pitty ; 
and  pitty  never  changes  into  respekt,  but  gennerally  into  dis- 
gust. 

The  Generous  Man. — Generosity  iz  an  instinkt — a  kind  ov 
natral  crook — a  weird  child  ov  the  heart. 

It  iz  diffrent  from  profusion  ;  profusion  iz  most  alwus  tho 
decoy  duck  ov  vanity. 

Generosity  iz  diffrent  from  charity  ;  charity  iz  the  impulse 
ov  reason. 

It  iz  diffrent  from  justiss — justiss  iz  1(3  ounces  tew  the 
pound,  and  no  more. 

Generosity  iz  sumthiug  more  than  justiss,  and  sumthing 
less  than  profusion ;  it  iz  the  good  a  man  duz,  without  being 
able  tew  give  enny  reazon  for  it. 

If  a  man  iz  alwus  genrous  he  will  alwus  be  right,  or  will 
hav  a  good  excuse  for  what  seems  tew  be  wrong. 

Generosity  iz  bravery,  and  it  iz  truth  :  no  one  ever  saw  a 
generous  man  who  waz  a  coward  or  a  liar. 

Generosity  sumtimes  may  lack  prudence,  but  it  never  lacks 
faith,  and  faith  haz  won  holier  laurels  than  prudence  ever  did. 

The  generous  man  chastens  hiz  gifts  with  the  assurance  that 
the  giver  iz  az  happy  in  the  gift  az  the  receiver  iz. 

He  takes  the  fust  swaller  out  ov  the  dipper,  and  smacking 
hiz  lips,  insists  upon  your  drinking  the  balance  awl  up. 

Poverty  haz  no  power  over  generosity  enny  more  than  i/ 
haz  over  love. 


FKKQriCNT  K HITTERS.  341 

This  iz  my  idee  ov  the  kind  ov  generosity  that  I  jini  writ- 
ing about. 


FREQUENT  KKITTERS. 


THE    LOAFER. 

loafer  iz  a  human  being  who  iz  willing  tew  be  dia 
J-    pized  just  for  the  privilege  ov  abuzing  others. 

He  occupys  all  grades  in  sosiety,  from  the  judge  on  the 
1  tench  Ideal i  doim  to  the  ragged  thing  in  britches  who  leans 
aginst  a  lamp-post  and  h'tes  flys  in  August. 

He  haz  hiz  circle  ov  friends,  whare  hiz  koarse  jests  are  re- 
echoed,   and    whare 
to   be   in  hiz  konfi- 
dence  iz  konsidered 
an  honor. 

He  iz  not  alwus 
destitute  ov  kommon 
sense,  and  quite 
often  iz  the  author 
ov  jests  which  pass 
upon  the  unwary  for 
humor  and  even  wit. 

He  haz  no  pride 
that  is  worthy,  and 
haz  no  delikasy  that 
enn  y  boddy  kan  hurt. 

During  hiz  boy- 
hood he  kills  kats 
and  sells  their  hides 
to  the  hatters,  and  FHEQUEXT  KRITTERS. 

robs  all  the  hens'  nests  and  arly  apple  trees  in  the  naborhood 
During  hiz  middle  li:'e  lie  begs  all  the  tobacco  he  uses,  and 

drinks  all  the  cheap  whisky  he  kan  at  sumboddy  else's  ex 

pense. 

During  hiz  old  age  he  winters  in  the  alms-houses,  and  sun. 

men*  in  the  sugar  hogsheds,  and  when  he  comes  tew  die  he  ia 


MONOGRAFFS. 

buried  in  a  dich,  like  an  omnibus  Loss,  with  hiz  old  shoes  on 
This   iz    a   trew    ackount  ov  the  life   and   adventures  ov 

the  ordinary  loafer,  and  yet  there  are  thousands  ov  human 

kritters  coining  onto  the  platform   ov  life  every  six  months 

whoze  only  ambishim  iz  to  be  successful  loafers. 

The  loafer  kares  nothing  for  publik  opinyun,  and  this  alone, 

will  make  any  man  a  loafer. 

The  loafer  rather  covets  disgrace  ov  all  kinds,  and  when  a 

man  gits  az  low  down  az  this,  he  haz  got  az  low  down  az  he 

kan  git  without  digging. 

THE    PKOJEKTOK. 

The  projektor  iz  a  man  with  one  idee,  and  that  idee  iz  often 
like  a  paving  stun,  the  hardest  kind  ov  a  thing  tew  hatch  out, 
and  when  it  iz  hatched  out,  yu  kan't  alwus  tell  what  kind  ov 
a  breed  the  tiling  iz. 

He  haz  been  bizzy  at  work  for  the  last  4  thousand  years 
tricing  tew  bild  perpetual  moshun,  and  haz  cum  within  3 
quarters  ov  an  inch  ov  it  sevral  times,  but  alwus  slips  up  jist 
az  he  reaches  out  tew  grab  it. 

He  haz  dun  sum  dredful  good  things  for  mankind,  but  too 
often  iz  ov  no  more  use  in  the  world,  than  an  extra  pump  iz. 

The  projektor  iz  alwus  a  man  ov  genius,  but  hiz  genius  iz 
frequently  like  the  genius  ov  a  goose,  thare  ain't  no  one  kan 
beat  them  at  standing  on  one  legg. 

I  hav  known  theze  breed  ov  pholks  tew  drag  out  a  long 
life,  richer  m  their  own  estimashun  than  Croasus,  and  poorer 
in  the  opinyun  ov  others  than  Lazarus. 

They  seldum  reap  enny  gain  from  their  invenshuns,  and  if 
ever  they  do  diskover  perpetual  moshun,  they  will  sell  the 
principle  tew  sum  kunning  kuss,  for  17  or  18  dollars,  and 
starve  tew  death  on  the  glory  ov  it. 

I  hav  known  several  ov  these  poor  phellows  in  mi  life,  and 
only  knew  them  .tew  pitty  them,  for  they  are  az  tender,  ali 
over,  az  spring  lam,  and  az  eazy  tew  cheat  az  a  blind  baby. 

I  hav  a  friend  who  iz  a  projektor.  I  kant  tell  what  partik- 
ular  pholly  he  iz  at  work  at  now,  but  sum  one  I  am  sure,  foi 


FHKQl'KNT  K HITTERS  243 

*hare  aint  on  the  whole  artlt,  a  more  bizzy  kritter  than  the 
man,  who  iz  sure  that  to-morrow  will  put  the  finishing  touches 
»ew  hiz  pattent  rite  plan,  for  threading  the  rong  end  ov  a 
kambrik  needle,  or  his  resipee  for  making  soft  sope  out  ov 
calf s  liver. 

But  we  kant  spare  the  projektors,  all  that  we  can  hope  foi 
iz,  that  too  menny  ov  them  wont  spend  i  whole  life  in  making 
a  juse  harp  that  will  play  Yankee  doodle  backwards,  and 
finally  die,  and  leave  the  tune  haff  finished. 

THE    KONDEM    PHOOL. 

Thare  iz  two  kinds  ov  phools,  at  the  date  ov  this  article, 
laying  around  loose  in  the  world,  one  iz  the  natral,  and  tho 
other  iz  the  kondem. 

Thare  iz  s;im  other  kind  ov  phools  besides  these,  which  I 
shall  tntch  liglitly  before  I  git  thru. 

The  natral  phool  kant  help  it,  he  iz  born  like  the  daizy,  bi 
the  side  ov  the  road,  just  to  nod,  and  to  be  sport  for  the  winds. 

He  haz  no  destiny  to  phill,  that  we  know  ov,  but  hiz  Heav- 
enly Father  will  care  for  him,  for  He  cares  for  the  koarse 
weed  and  the  rank  thissell. 

The  kondem  phool  iz  a  self-made  man,  and  iz  entitled  tew 
all  the  credit  ov  the  job. 

Natur  turns  him  out  loose  into  the  world,  jist  as  she  duz 
her  other  works,  with  all  hiz  fakultys  in  good  order,  but  like 
a  ram  in  a  bak  lot,  he  undertaiks  tew  knok  down  a  stun  fence 
with  hiz  head,  and  finds  the  stun  fence  too  much  for  the  oc- 
kashun. 

He  often  haz  a  hed  phull  ov  branes,  but  like  a  swarm  ov 
beeze.  they  keep  up  sich  a  buzzing  they  bexvilder  him. 

The  kondem  phool  generally  lacks  but  one  thing  tew  make 
him  all  the  the  suekcess  he  could  ask  for,  and  that  one  thing 
iz  common 'sense. 

Common  sense  iz  all  greek  tew  these  kin^  ov  pheTlows, 
they  kan  often  rite  poetry  that  reads  az  smooth  and  sweet  a* 
ile  and  molassis  mixt  together,  and  kan  even  deliver  lektura 
all  around  the  kuntry,  but  one  dose  ov  common  sense  would 


344  MONOGRAFFS. 

take  all  the  starch  out  ov  them,  and  leave  them  az  jimpsev  aa 
the  nek  ov  a  ded  goslin. 

The  kondem.  phool  iz  the  kauze  ov  most  all  tmbble  thar« 
iz  in  this  world,  he  ain't  alwns  malishus,  but  iz  alwus  a  phool. 

I  divide  the  populashun  ov  the  whole  world  into  2  heaps, 
and  out  ov  respect  for  the  parable  ov  the  virgins  in  the  bible, 
i  call  5  ov  them  wize  and  5  ov  them  foolish. 

It  is  verry  easy  tew  be  a  kondem  phool,  enny  boddy  kan 
be  one,  and  not  suspekt  it. 

Thare  iz  a  large  invoice  ov  phools  jnst  now  pressing  upon 
the  market,  but  the  market  for  them  iz  btiddy,  the  demand 
ahvus  being  phull  up  tew  the  supply. 

I  rekolekt  ov  oust  saying,  upon  a  memorabel  ockashun, 
(i  dont  rekolek  the  ockashun  now,)  God  bless  the  phools,  and 
don't  let  them  run  out,  for  if  it  want  for  them,  the  rest  ov 
the  world  would  be  bothered  tew  git  a  good  living. 

Among  the  list  ov  prominent  phools,  i  take  the  liberty  tew 
introduce  the  following : 

The  " Prof eshional  Phool,"  one  who  travels  fora  living. 

The  "  Wag  Phool,"  one  who  is  a  phool  on  private  ackount. 

The  "  Bizzuess  Phool,"  one  who  either  Bulls  or  Bears 
everything  in  the  market. 

The  "  Kadikal  Phool,"  one  who  kant  help  it. 

The  "  Conservatiif  Phool,"  one  who  kan  help  it,  but  wont. 

The  u  Meek  Phool,"  one  who  sez  he  prefers  kodphish  bawls 
to  porterhous  stakes,  or  even  quales  on  toast. 

The  "  Hipreshure  Phool,"  one  who,  like  the  hornet,  alwus 
keeps  mad  in  advance,  so  az  tew  be  reddy  for  the  ockashun. 

The  "  Silly  Phool,"  one  who  thinks  the  whole  civilized 
world  iz  in  luv  with  him. 

The  "Wise  Phool,"  one  who  thinks  he  knoze  all  things, 
and  luvs  every  boddy. 

And  four  thousand,  3  hundred  and  36  other  distinkt  kinds 
ov  phools,  which  i  haint  got  the  pashunce  tew  elucidate  now. 

THE    PRECISE    MAN. 

The  "  Precise  Man,"  sumtimes  parts  hiz  hare  in  the  middle, 
and  when  he  duz,  he  kounts  the  hairs  on  each  side  ov  hiz 


INDIVIDUAL  FOLKS.  345 

and  splits  sum,  if  it  iz  necessary,  tew  make  the  tiling  ded 
even 

If  he  iz  a  marrid  man,  everything  must  be  jist  .so — if  lie  iz 
a  bachelor  it  must  be  more  so. 

He  alwus  sets  a  hen  on  12  eggs,  and  haz  a  grate  horror  fol 
all  odd  numbers. 

He  gits  up  at  jist  sitch  a  time  in  the  morning,  and  goes  tew 
bed  at  jist  sitch  a  time  at  night,  and  would  as  soon  think  ov 
taking  a  dose  ov  strikniiie  for  the  hikcups  az  tew  kut  uph  a 
dogs  tale  when  the  moon  waz  in  the  laste  quart t-:-. 

The  precise  man  haz  but  phew  brane.s,  and  they  are  az  well 
broke  az  a  setter  dog's,  for  he  seldmn  makes  a  false  point. 

He  iz  a  bundle  of  fakts  and  figgers,  and  iz  az  handy  in  the 
naberhood  az  a  pair  ov  platform  skales  or  a  reddy  rekoner. 

He  iz  invariably  an  honest  man,  but  often  az  mutch  from 
pride  az  from  principle. 

He  luvs  hiz  children,  if  he  haz  any,  and  would  rather  hav 
them  perfekt  in  the  multiplikashun  table  than  in  the  I  Iliad  ov 
Homer. 

Hiz  wife  iz  soon  broke  tew  akt  and  think  az  he  duz,  and 
she  iz  known  fur  and  near  for  the  excellence  ov  her  softe 
sope. 

The  laste  thing  he  alwus  duz  Saturday  night  iz  tew  grease 
hiz  boots,  and  the  fust  thing  Sunday  morning  iz  tew  wind  up 
the  old  wodden  klok  in  the  kitchen. 

He  iz  generally  respekted  during  life,  and  after  he  iz  ded 
and  gone  hiz  children  keep  his  fame  fresh  by  pointing  out 
with  pride  the  korner  whare  his  kane  alwus  stood  and  peg 
whare  his  hat  alwus  hung. 


INDIVIDUAL  FOLKS. 


THE    OBTUSK    MAN. 

THE  obtuse  man  iz  sawed  oft"  s<  juare  at  both  ends,  and  iron 
bound  like  a  beetle. 
He  tindo  out  the  hard  spot   in   things  by  running 


MONOGRAFFS. 

them,  and  like  the  merino  ram,  shuts  up  both  eyes  when  he 
butts. 

It  iz  az  hard  tew  git  an  idee  into  him  az  it  iz  tew  git  a 
wedge  into  a  pepperidge  log. 

He  alwus  sez  "  Yes"  to  what  he  don't  understand,  and  iz 
az  hard  tew  argy  out  ov  a  conceit  az  a  dog  iz  out  ov  a  bone. 

He  often  sets  himself  up  for  a  wise  man,  and  sumtiines  a 
wit,  but  i  never  knu  one  tew  think  he  waz  a  bore. 

He  goes  thru  life  hed  fust,  and  when  he  cuins  ttw  die  he  ia 
az  well  seasoned  az  a  foot-ball. 

If  he  waz  a  going  tew  liv  hiz  life  over  again,  he  tells  yu, 
he  wouldn't  alter  it,  only  he  would  eat  more  raw  onions  and 
be  a  hard-shell  baptist. 

Every  man  remembers  him  az  a  man  too  stubborn  tew  be 
very  viscious,  writh  a  few  ideas,  sum  ov  which  he  inherited, 
but  most  ov  which  he  got  by  sleeping  with  hiz  mouth  wide 
open. 

THE    POSATIFF    MAN. 

The  posatiff  man  bets  hiz  last  dollar  on  a  kard  and  looses, 
and  then  tells  yu  he  knew  he  shouldn't  win. 

He  alwus  knows  what  will  happen  3  weeks  from  now,  and 
if  it  don't  happen  he  knew  that  too. 

If  he  falls  down  on  the  ice  and  breaks  hiz  leg  it  want  an 
accident,  it  waz  sumthing  that  couldn't  help  but  happen. 

He  iz  az  certain  ov  everything  az  amule  iz  anxious  tew  hit 
what  he  kicks  at. 

Yu  kant  tttll  him  ennything  new,  nor  ennything  old,  he  h 
more  certain  ov  tilings  than  AVebster's  unabridged  dickshion- 
ary. 

The  less  certain  yu  are  the  more  posatiff  he  iz. 

He  never  made  but  one  blunder  in  hiz  life  and  that  turned 
out  at  last  tew  be  a  good  hit. 

The  posatiff  man  haz  too  little  cunning  tew  be  very  maii- 
ehus,  he  iz  generally  happy,  bekauze  he  iz  posatiff  ov  it,  and 
tho  he  gits  things  wrong  oftner  than  he  duz  right,  people  ara 
pleazed  at  hiz  blunders  bekauze  he  iz  so  much  in  earnest 


INDIVIDUAL  FOLKS.  347 

THE    CROSS    MAN. 

The  cross  man  goes  thru  life  like  a  sore-headed  dog,  fol 
Jo  wed  by  tlies. 

He  iz  az  sour  az  a  pot-bellyed  pickle,  and  like  a  skein  of 
eilk,  iz  ahvus  reddy  for  a  snarl. 

He  iz  like  an  old  hornet,  mad  all  the  way  through,  but 
about  what,  he  kan't  tell,  tew  save  hiz  life. 

Everyboddy  at  home  fears  him,  and  everyboddy  in  the 
street  dispizes  him. 

He  mistakes  sullenness  for  bravery,  and  bekair/e  he  feels 
savage,  everyboddy  else  must  feel  humble. 

Thare  iz  no  grater  coward  in  the  world  than  the  cross  man, 
nor  none  eazyer  tew  kure. 

He  iz  eazyer  tew  kure  than  the  stummuk  ake,  for  one  good 
knok  down  will  do  so. 

THE    FASHUNT    MAN. 

The  pashunt  man  never  sex  "  dam  it"  however  much  he 
may  think  so. 

He  iz  so  well-ballanced  that  it  takes  at  least  fifty  pounds  ov 
musketeze  tew  turn  hiz  skales. 

He  kan't  tell  yu  what  makes  him  so  pashunt  if  yu  ask  him  ; 
it  may  be  nothing  but  numbness  after  all. 

Pashunce  iz  like  enny  other  virtew,  its  value  konsists  in  its 
power  tew  resist  temptashun. 

It  ain't  but  little  trubble  for  a  graven  image  tew  be  pashunt, 
not  even  in  fly  time. 

Heal  paslumce  stands  aiming  the  virtews,  like  genius  amung 
the  gifts ;  in  fakt,  pashunce,  iz  the  genius  ov  virtew. 

The  best  thing  i  kno  ov,  tew  try  a  man's  pashunce  on,  iz  a 
kicking  heifer,  if  he  finds  himself  praying  for  the  heifer 
every  time  she  kicks,  he  haz  got  pashunce  on  the  heart,  and 
brain  both. 

THE    FUNNY    MAN. 

The  funny  man  kan't  open  hiz  mouth  without  letting  a 
joke  fly  out,  like  ginger  pop,  when  the  kork  iz  p  lied  out- 


34:8  MONOGRAFFS. 

Thare  iz  no  genuine  wit  in  the  simply  funny  man,  liiz  onU 
desire  iz  tew  make  yu  laff,  and  real  wit  don't  stoop  so  low. 

The  funny  man's  jokes  are  at  best  only  jests,  sumtimes  ha 
reaches  tew  the  dignity  ov  a  poor  pun,  and  hiz  vanity  then 
absorbs  all  hiz  humor. 

It  iz  an  awful  thing  tew  be  a  funny  man,  it  iz  almost  az 
dredful  az  the  counterfiting  bizzness. 

Thare  iz  no  stattue  aginst  joking,  but  thare  ought  tew  be, 
not  that  I  think  a  good  joke  iz  criminal,  but  they  are  so  scarce, 
they  are  suspicious.  I  am  the  last  man  who  wants  tew  see 
enny  real  wit  leave  t'lis  world,  for  i  think  genuine  wit,  iz  az 
good  az  religion. 

THE    HONEST    MAN. 

Honest  men  are  skarse,  and  are  a  going  tew  be  skarser. 

Thare  grate  scarsity  iz  what  makes  them  valuable. 

If  every  boddy  waz  honest,  the  supply  would  ruin  the  de- 
mand. 

Honesty  iz  like  money,  a  man  haz  tew  work  hard  tew  git 
it,  and  then  work  harder  tew  keep  it. 

Adam  waz  the  fust  honest  man  we  hav  enny  ackount  ov, 
and  hiz  honesty  want  ov  mutch  ackount. 

You  couldn't  put  yure  finger  on  Adam,  for  in  the  garden 
ov  Eden,  when  lie  waz  wanted,  he  couldn't  be  found. 

Old  deakon  Skinner,  ov  lower  Pordunk  village,  waz  an 
honest  man,  he  wouldn't  hunt  for  hen's  eggs  on  Sunday,  but 
he  waz  an  awful  cluss  man,  he  set  a  hen  once,  on  three  eggs, 
just  tew  save  eggs. 


PECULIAK  ONES. 


T 


THE    SQUARE   MAN. 

HE  square  man  meazzures  the  same  each  way,  and  hairl 
got  no  wainny  edges,  nor  shaky  lumber  in  him. 
He  is  free  from  knots  and  sap,  and  won't  warp. 


PECULIAR  ONES. 


He  iz  klear  stuff,  and  I  don't  kare  what  yu  work  him  uj 
into,  he  won't  swell,  and  he  won't  shrink. 

He  is  amungst  men  what  good  kil-dried  boards  are  aiming 
carpenters,  he  won't 
season -krack. 

It  d o n't  make 
enny  difference 
which  side  ov  him 
yn  cum  up  to,  he  iz 
the  same  biggness 
each  way,  and  the 
only  way  tew  git  at 
him,  enny  how,  is 
tew  face  him. 

He  knows  he  iz 
square,  and  never 
spends  enny  time 
trieing  tew  prove  it. 

The  square  man 
iz  one  ov  the  best- 
shaped  men  the 
world  haz  ever  pro- 
duced, he  iz  one  of  them  kind  ov  chunks  that  yu  kant  alter 
tew  fit  a  spot,  but  yu  must  alter  the  spot  tew  fit  him. 


PECULIAR    ONES. 


THE   OBLONG   MAN. 

The  oblong  man  alwus  meazzures  more  one  way  than  he 
duz  the  tuther,  and  yu  have  got  tew  meazzure  him  every 
time  yu  want  tew  use  him. 

The  shortest  way  ov  him  to-day  may  be  the  longest  way 
to-morrow. 

He  ain't  alwus  a  bad  man  by  enny  means,  he  iz  often  only 
unfortunate,  and  he  haz  been  heard  frequently  tew  say,  that 
he  iz  sorry  that  he  waz  bilt  so. 

Sum  ov  the  smartest  men  in  kreashun  are  oblong,  and  wilj 
fit  most  enny  kind  ov  a  spot  with  a  very  little  altering. 


350  MONOGRAFFS. 

THE    PERPINDIKLAR    MAN. 

The  perpindiklar  man  iz  half-brother  tew  the  square  man, 
and  iz  az  uprite  az  a  lamp-post. 

He  iz  a  dredf  ul  good  kind  ov  a  man  tew  hav  laying  around 
loose,  and  he  haint  got  but  one  fault,  or  rather  misfortin,  and 
that  iz,  he  is  so  stiff  he  kant  dodge  good. 

I  don't  like  tew  see  a  man  dodge  everything,  but  thare  are 
things  in  this  world  that  are  cheaper  tew  dodge  than  tew  buk 
aginst. 

I  like  the  up  and  down,  perpendiklar  man,  yu  kan  alwus 
git  at  the  solid  kontents  ov  him,  by  just  multiplying  him  by 
hiinsel-f. 

THE    LIMBER    MAN. 

The  limber  man  iz  a  kind  ov  injun  rubber  specimint  ov 
humanity,  who  kant  tell  himself  how  fur  he  kan  stretch  with- 
out breaking. 

He  iz  reddy  tew  stretch,  or  be  stretched,  and  tho  he  flies 
bak  sum  times  tew  the  old  spot,  he  quite  az  often  snaps  off  in 
such  a  bad  place  that  he  kant  be  mended  agin. 

Limber  men  aint  alwus  malishus,  but  they  are  az  hard  to 
manage  az  a  greased  pig,  take  a  holt  ov  them  whare  yu  will, 
yu  find  them  pizon  slippery. 

Limber  men  are  rather  wuss  than  wicked  ones,  for  they 
kant  even  tell  themselfs  what  they  are  going  tew  do  next. 

When  a  limber  man  douz  git  tew  going  wrong,  he  iz  like 
a  blind  mule,  when  he  gits  tew  kicking,  yu  aint  safe  nowhare. 

Limber  men  dont  alwus  lak  kapacity,  it  would  perhaps  be 
better  if  they  did,  for  a  still  phool  iz  one  ov  the  safest  people 
we  hav. 

THE    JOLLY    MAN. 

Jolly  men  are  most  alwus  good  men. 

It  iz  dredful  eazy  tew  mistake  spasmodik  hilarity  for  good 
natur. 

I  have  seen  men  who  were  called  jolly  good  fellows  win 
were  az  treacherous  m  their  joy  az  a  kat  iz.. 


PECULIAR  ONES.  351 

Yu  will  alwus  notiss  one  thing,  when  a  kat  puns  the  most, 
she  h'dz  just  thought  ov  sum  new  kind  ov  deviltry. 

I  kno  ov  no  vice  in  genuine  jollity. 

When  a  man  iz  jolly  all  over,  he  iz  too  happj  and  kareless 
tew  be  vicious. 

I  hav  seen  people  who  could  lafflong  and  loud,  but  thare 
was  no  more  good  nature  in  it  than  thare  iz  grief  in  a  hyena 
when  they  imitate  the  wail  of  an  infant. 

'Tis  true  we  kant  alwuss  tell  about  theze  things,  but  if  wo 
watch  a  man  all  summer,  and  hang  around  him  all  winter, 
when  spring  cums  agin  we  ought  tew  be  able  tew  guess  whether 
the  latf  that  iz  in  him  iz  the  aroma  ov  hiz  good  nutur,  or  iz 
only  the  aroma  ov  the  hikkups. 

THE    PEWTER    MAN. 

The  pewter  man  akes  hiz  name  from  the  old-fashioned 
pewter  spoon,  made  o..t  ov  cheap  material,  impossible  tew 
keep  bright  long,  eazy  tew  take  impreshuns  from  almost  enny 
thing,  and  no  more  ring  tew  it  than  thare  iz  tew  a  bogus  haif 
dollar. 

Puter  men  are  mighty  common  here  on  earth,  not  only 
kommon  bekauze  they  are  plenty,  but  kommon  bekauze  they 
don't  amount  tew  mutch. 

They  ain't  exactly  phools ;  if  they  was,  we  could  deskribe 
^them  better. 

They  are  like  bass  wood  punkin  seeds,  and  white  oak  whet- 
stuns,  in  a  well-stocked  kuntry  store,  kind  ov  necessary,  tew 
keep  up  the  assortment. 

They  never  do  enny  thing  verry  good  or  verry  bad,  and  go 
thru  life  a  good  deal  az  a  boy  goes  tew  distrikt  skool,  in  green- 
apple  time,  jist  bekauze  he  haz  got  to. 

THE    KITEING    MAN. 

The  fiteing  man  iz  a  kind  ov  human  bull  tarrier,  with  a  jaw 
on  him  like  a  wolf  trap  that  haz  just  been  sprung. 

He  haz  a  low,  sour  forehead,  a  beefy  neck,  a  small  eye,  and 
an  ugly  pug  noze. 


MOXOGKAFFS. 

Iliz  intelligence  konsists  in  knowing  how  tew  maul  anothel 
human  being,  able  tew  take  it  in  return,  and  not  kno  it. 

All  hiz  ideas  ov  honor  are  governed  bi  the  code  which  calls 
it  dishonorable  to  puntch  a  man  belo  the  belt. 

Hiz  grate  ambislum  in  life  iz  tew  win  a  phew  bloody  fights, 
and  then  end  hiz  daze  az  the  proprietor  ov  a  gin  mill,  with 
hiz  name  and  infamy  hung  up  in  gilt  letters  over  hiz  bar. 

He  iz  a  rank  koward  bi  natur,  and  never  fought  a  battle 
yet  in  which  he  did  not  expekt  hiz  low  cunning  would  enable 
him  tew  outwit  hiz  adversary. 

THE    PRECISE    MAN. 

The  precise  man  weighs  just  16  ounces  tew  the  pounds, 
and  meazzures  just  36  inches  tew  the  yard. 

He  iz  more  partiklar  about  being  just  so,  then  he  iz  about 
being  right. 

Hiz  blunders,. if  he  ever  makes  enny,  are  all  kronik,  and 
kant  be  kured. 

He  iz  most  alwus  what  we  kail  a  virtewous  man  at  heart, 
but  thare  iz  no  logik  kan  make  him  alter  hiz  mind. 

He  iz  az  exact  in  hiz  way  az  a  kompass. 

He  knows  the  year,  the  month,  the  day  ov  the  \veek,  and 
sumtimes  the  very  hour  that  enny  important  event  took 
place. 

He  kan  tell  yu  the  exact  age  ov  every  old  maid  in  the  nabor- 
hood,  and  kan  rekollekt  distinkly  ov  hearing  hiz  grate-grand- 
father tell  what  sort  ov  a  kloud  it  wa.z  that  the  lightning  cum 
out  ov  that  struck  the  steeple  ov  the  Presbeterian  church, 
and  knoked  the  weathercock  on  it  into  the  shape  ov  a  cpcked 
hat. 

The  precise  man  iz  a  mere  bundle  ov  fakts,  figures,  and 
trifling  incidents,  which  are  ov  the  utmost  importance  tew 
him,  but  not  ov  mutch  use  tew  ennyboddy  else. 

He  iz  just  about  az  mutch  consequentz  whare  he  livs  az  a 
last  year's  Farmers'  Allminax. 

He  is  az  set  in  hiz  ways  az  an  old  goose  trieing  tew  hatch 
out  a  glass  egg. 


COQUETT  ASD  PKUDE.  'J53 

COQUETT  AND  PRUDE. 

MENNY  essays  hav  bin  writ  on  the  natur  ov  woman,  set- 
ting forth  her  aspirashuns,  her  genius,  lier  impulses,  the 
delikate  mechanicks  ov  her  pashuns,  the  aroma  ov  her  heart, 
the  soft  leading  strings  ov  her  dispisishun,  the  cast  iron  forti- 
tude ov  her  resolves,  and  the  lurid  glare  ov  her  love  and  her 
hate. 

I  hav  read  menny  ov  these,  only  tew  be  more  solid  in  mi 
long  cultivated  opinyun,  that  woman  and  her  character  in  the 
lump,  iz  like  the  ranebo  in  the  East,  butiful  beyond  language, 
full  ov  promis  and  impossible  tew  paint. 

In  mi  philosophy,  rude  and  untutored,  i  call  woman  the 
lesser  light,  the  moon,  gentle  as  an  angel,  stealing  softly  along 
the  buzzum  ov  the  skey  on  an  errand  ov  love,  light  for  the 
hour  ov  darkness,  pashunt  watcher  while  the  world  sleeps, 
queen  ov  the  night,  jeweled  with  stars. 

I  compare  woman  to  a  vine  full  ov  tendrils,  which  can't 
reach  perfection  without  a  pole  to  climb,  and  then  often  mount- 
ing far  )!>ove  the  pole. 

Man  i  call  the  sun,  filling  the  earth  with  phrenzy,  woman 
the  moon,  that  chastens  the  twilight,  and  steals  tli rough  the 
lattice  to  play  on  the  hearth-stone. 

Each  one  haz  their  sphear,  and  the  loss  ov  either  would  be 
the  blotting  out  ov  the  sun,  or  the  moon. 

Each  one  haz  their  appointment,  which  should  not  be 
changed. 

When  the  moon  gits  between  the  earth  and  the  sun,  then 
we  alwus  have  an  eclipse.  I  beleave  that  a  kind  Providence, 
the  arktekt  ov  men,  monkeys  and  things,  haz  given  me  and 
mi  wife  two  paths  to  travel!,  side  by  side,  and  both  ending  at 
the  same  goal. 

Sum  think  that  the  lives  ov  the  sexes  are  a  mere  competi- 
tion, that  what  one  iz  both  may  be,  i  shall  belca'  e  this  when 
the  roze  bush  bears  butternuts  and  the  thistle  sheds  perfume 

Amung  charakteristicks  so  butiful,  it    would   be   sti-angs 
if  we  shouldn't  find  a  variety,  sum  even  that  are  urlovely. 
23J 


354 


MONOGRAFFS. 


for  perfeckshun  don't  inhabit  this  world,  not  even  in  the  dis 
guize  ov  a  woman. 

Thare  is  two  patches  in  the  paradise  ov  the  female  garden, 
that  is  devoted  to  the  culture  of  two  funny,  and  very  contrary 


COQUETT    AND    PRUDE. 


vegatables,  one  is  lokated  in  the  south  east  corner  of  the  heart, 
and  the  other  at  the  northern,  or  frigid  end. 

The  southern  crop  is  coquetry,  and  tb  northern  one  is 
prudery, 

SumtiJies  these  patches  are  cultivated  more  assidiously,  to 
the  neglekt  ov  awl  the  rest,  and  form  the  staple  crop  of  the 
heart. 

Coquetry  is  the  cussidness  ov  an  artful  pashun,  that  feels 
its  oats  just  enuff  to  want  to  kick  up  all  the  time,  and  don't 
seem  to  care  who  gits  hurt. 

It  lays  in  wait,  in  its  butiful  wrought  net,  like  a  spider  lor 
,fs  viktim,  and  seems  to  take  more  fun  in  ketching  a  fly,  thai- 
in  keeping  him 


COQUETT  AND  PRUDE.  354 

A  coquett  is  a  good  deal  like  a  rare  bush,  ii  the  springtime 
of  life  it  is  full  of  flowers,  and  in  the  fall,  fill,  of  thorns. 

Thare  are  sum  blossoms  that  are  fore  runners  of  fruit,  but 
the  fragrant  glory  of  a  coquett  is  not  of  this  breed. 

This  paslnm  iz  like  avarice,  it  eats  up  all  the  other  good 
ones,  and  spends  its  old  age,  racked  with  the  horrors  of  an  ill 
digestion.  Coquetts  are  generally  long  lived,  faded  emblems 
of  viktorys  without  honour,  mournful  az  a  cypruss,  chanting 
their  own  dirges. 

Prudery  iz  nothing  more  than  the  tropikal  fruits  of  the 
hearts  gardens  raized  at  the  north  end  ov  it,  prudes,  and  co- 
quets, are  the  extremes  of  the  same  pashuns,  and  the  philoso- 
phers tell  us,  that  "  extremes  meet."  A  prude  skorns  tew 
make  a  conquest,  not  upon  principle,  but  bekause  she  kant, 
she  hates  a  man  with  her  love. 

A  prude  iz  nothing  more  than  an  ill  looking  coquet,  give 
the  prude  buty,  and  yer  have  got  a  coquet,  and  the  bitterest 
prudes  the  world  ever  saw,  are  the  old,  and  battle  worn  co- 
quets, who  are  too  decrepid  to  take  the  field. 

Coquets,  and  prudes,  ought  tew  be  compelled  to  hunt  in 
couples,  so  that  when  the  coquet  haz  wounded  the  game,  the 
prude  kan  miss  the  dieing  viktim. 

But  prudes  and  coquetts  never  agree  ;  two  ov  a  trade  sel- 
dom do.  Both  ov  these  pashuns  are  disgusting,  and  the  old 
age  ov  both  iz  bitterness. 

Prudery  iz  the  remorse  ov  cunning  that  haz  been  foiled; 
and  coquettry  seems  to  be  the  abandon  ov  art  and  buty. 

Prudes  owe  mutch  ov  their  success  to  their  inability  to  find 
enny  temptashuns,  and  coquetts  are  made  more  viscious  by 
flatterys. 

But  a  true  woman  dont  cultivate  neither  ov  these  patches 
in  her  heart ;  the  ever  elegant  perceptions  ov  her  instincts 
teaches  her  not  to  take  up  the  sword  ov  the  coquett,  nor  the 
remorseless  priming-hook  of  the  prude. 

I*:  seems  to  me,  the  more  that  I  gaze  at  it,  that  a  prude  ia 
nothing  more  than  a  coquett  gone  to  seed. 

I  would  rather  be  a  coquett  than   a  prude  ;  thare  iz  some 


356  MONOGRAFFS. 

fun  in  it — thare  is  viktory  in  it ;  while  prudery,  at  best,  iz 
only  a  defeat  in  an  inglorious  cauze. 

Coquette  sumtimes  git  marrid,  but  they  are  az  hard  to  tame 
az  a  patridge,  and  aint  worth  enny  more  after  they  are  tamed, 
besides  being  a  heap  more  jealous  than  a  mother-in-law  to 
their  daughters  ;  while  a  prude,  for  a  wife,  iz  but  the  bluest 
kind  ov  a  school-marm  at  home  on  a  furlough. 

In  conclusion,  I  would  say,  in  all  kindness,  to  the  coquetts, 
that  they  seldom  hav  but  one  fust-class  man  in  their  nets ;  all 
that  they  bag  afterward  are  of  the  same  breed  az  themselves ; 
and  to  the  prudes  I  would  suggest  that  wimmin  are  growing 
more  plenty  every  year,  and  that  thare  are  but  few  ov  them, 
who  insist  upon  it,  that  will  pay  the  wear  ?nd  tear  ov  a 
humiliating  and  laborious  siege. 


FOLKS  WE  ALL  KNO. 


THE    EFFEMINATE    MAN. 

effeminate  man  is  a  weak  poultiss. 
JL     He  is  a  kross  between  root  beer  and  ginger  pop  with 

the  cork  left  out  ov  the  bottle  over  night. 

He  is  a  fresh  water  mermaid  lost  in  a  cow  pastur,  with  his 
hands  filled  with  dandylions. 

He  is  a  tea-kup  full  of  whipped  silly  bub — a  kitten  in  pan- 
tylets — a  sick  monkey  with  a  blonde  mustash. 

He  is  a  vine  without  enny  tendrills — a  fly  drowned  in  sweet 
ile — a  paper  kite  in  a  ded  calm. 

He  lives  as  the  butterflise  do — noboddy  kan  tell  win.  He 
is  as  harmless  as  a  cent's  wuth  ov  spruce  gum,  and  as  useless 
as  a  shirt  button  without  enny  button-hole. 

He  is  as  lazy  as  a  bread-pill,  and  has  no  more  hope  than  a 
last  year's  grasshopper. 

He  is  a  man  without  enny  gaul,  and  a  woman  without  enny 
gissard. 


FOLKS  WE  ALL  K\O.  3^7 

He  goes  thru  life  on  his  tiptose,  and  dies  like  coloue  watei 
spilt  on  the  ground. 

THE   JEALOUS   MAW 

The  Jealous  Man  iz  alwus  a-hunting. 

He  is  alwus  a-hunting  for  smnthing  that  he  don't  expeclct 
few  find,  and  after  he  haz  found  it  then  he  iz  mad  bekauze  he 
haz. 

Theze  fellers  don't  beleaf  in  spooks,  and  yet  they  are  about 
the  only  folks  who  ever  see  epny.  A  jealous  man  iz  alwus 
happy,  jist  in  perposhun  az  he  iz  mizerable. 

Jelosy  iz  a  disseaze,  and  it  iz  a  good  deal  like  sea  sickness 
—  dreadful  sick  and  kan't  vomit. 


THE    ANONYMOUS    MAN. 

The  Anonymous  Man  boards  at  a  red  tavern,  and  pays 
for  hiz  board  bi  tending  bar  occasionly.  He  hain't  got  any 
more  karakter  than  the  jack  ov  spades  haz,  when  it  ain't 
trumps. 

He  iz  a  loafer  bi  profession,  without  enny  vices. 

He  rides  on  the  box,  once  in  a  while,  with  the'  driver,  and 
noboddy  thinks  ov  asking  him  for  hiz  stage  fare. 

He  iz  az  useless  az  an  extra  pump  would  be  in  the  desert 
ov  Sarah. 

He  sprung  from  a  respektable  family  ;  his  great  grand- 
father woz  a  justiss  ov  the  peace  ;  but  he  has  not  got  vanity 
enuf?  tew  brag  on  it. 

He  ain't  necessarily  a  phool,  enny  more  than  a  bull's  eye 
watch  iz  ;  if  enuy  boddy  will  wind  him  up,  he  will  sett  still, 
and  run  quietly  down. 

THE    STIFF   MAN. 

The  Stiff  Man  looks  down,  when  he  walks,  upon  folks. 
He  don't  seem  tew  hav  but  one  limber  jinte  in  him,  and  that 
iz  lokated  in  hiz  noze. 

He  is  a  kind  of  maskuline  turkey,  on  parade  in  a  barn-yard. 

He  iz  generally  loaded  with  wisdum  clear  up  tew  the  muz- 


358  MONOGRAFFS. 

• 

zell,  and  when  he  goes  oph.  makes  a  noize  like  a  cannon,  bv 
doir't  dew  enny  dainniage. 

I  hav  seen  him  fire  into  a  crowd,  and  miss  evry  man. 

This  kind  ov  stiff  man  iz  verry  handy  tew  flatter.  They 
seem  tew  know  they  ain't  entitled  tu  a  good  artikle,  and, 
therefore,  are  satisfied  with  hard  soap. 

Thare  ain't  but  fn  men  who  git  stiff  on  what  they  actu- 
ally know,  but  most  anl  ov  them  git  stiff  on  what  they  ack- 
tually  feel. 

Stiff"  men  are  called  aristokrats,  but  this  ain't  so.  Thare 
ain't  no  such  thing  as  aristokrats  in  this  country. 

The  country  ain't  long  enuff  yet.  unless  a  man  haz  got  sum 
Indian  in  him. 

Az  a  gen'ral  thing,  stiff  men  git  mad  dredful  eazy,  and 
have  tew  git  over  it  dredful  eazy,  bekauze  folks  ain't  apt  tew 
git  a  big  skare  at  what  they  ain't  afraid  ov. 

Stiff  man  had  a  grandfather  once,  who  went  tew  Congress 
from  our  distrikt,  and  thare  ain't  one  in  the  whole  family  that 
hav  been  able  tew  git  limber  sinse. 


THE    MODEL 

The  Model  Man  never  disturbs  a  hen  when  she  iz  setting  ; 
never  speaks  cross  tew  a  lost  dogg;  always  puts  a  five  cent 
shinplaster  in  hiz  vest  pockett  late  Saturday  night,  tew  hav 
it  ready  Sunday  morning  for  the  church  platter;  rizes  when- 
ever a  lady  enters  the  street  kars  ;  remembers  your  uncle 
plainly,  and  asks  after  all  the  family.  If  he  steps  on  a  kat's 
tail,  is  sure  to  do  it  light,  and  immegiately  asks  her  pardon  ; 
reads  the  PurxNv  PHELLOW,  and  laffs  bekause  he  kan't  help 
it  ;  hooks  up  hiz  wife's  dress,  and  plays  hoss  with  the  chil- 
dren. Never  meddles  with  the  cream  on  the  milk  pans;  goes 
eazily  of  errands  and  cums  back  in  seazon  ;  attends  every  - 
boddy's  phuneral  ;  kan  always  tell  when  the  moon  changes  ; 
thinks  just  a;',  yu  do,  or  the  other  way  if  you  want  him  to; 
follows  evry  boddy's  advice  but  hiz  own  ;  praktices  most  ov 
the  virtews  without  knowing  it  ;  leads  the  life  ov  a  shorn 
lamb  ;  gits  sick  after  a  while,  and  dies  az  soon  az  he  kan,  tew 
save  making  ennv  further  trubble. 


THE  NEAT  PERSON  350 

The  model  man's  vices  are  not  feared,  nor  biz  virtows  re- 
spekted.  He  lives  in  the  memory  of  the  wond  just  about 
az  long  az  a  pleasant  day  duz. 

He  may  be  called  a  "clever  feller,"  and  that  iz  only  a 
libel ;  but  he  will  git  hiz  reward  hereafter — when  the  bird* 
get  theirs. 


THE  NEAT  PERSOX. 

"VTEATISESS,  in  my  opinyun  iz  one  ov  the  virtews,  I  bar 
-Ll  alwus  konsidered  it  twin  sister  to  chastity.  But  while 
I  almost  worship  neatness  in  folks,  i  hav  seen  them  who  did 
understand  the  bizzness  so  well  az  tew  acktually  make  it  fear- 
ful tew  behold.  I  hav  seen  neatness  that  want  satisfied  in  be- 
ing a  common  sized  virtew,  but  had  bekum  an  ungovernable 
pasbnn,  enslaving  its  possessor,  and  making  everyboddy  nn 
eazy  who  kum  in  kontackt  with  it. 

When  a  person  iinds  it  necessary  to  skour  the  nail  beds  in 
the  cellar  stairs  evry  day,  and  skrub  oph  the  ducks'  feet  in 
hot  water,  it  iz  then  that  neatness  liaz  bekum  the  tyrant  of 
its  viktim. 

I  hav  seen  individuals  who  wouldn't  let  a  tired  fly  light  on 
the  wall  paper  ov  their  spare  room  enny  quicker  than  they 
would  let  a  dog  mix  up  the  bread  for  them,  and  who  would 
hunt  a  single  cockroach  upstairs  and  down  until  his  leggs 
were  wore  oph  clear  up  to  his  stummuk  but  what  they  would 
hav  him.  I  kan't  blame  them  for  being  a  little  lively  with 
the  cockroach,  for  i  don't  like  cockroaches  miself — espeshily 
in  mi  soup. 

Thare  iz  no  persons  in  the  world  who  work  so  hard  and  so 
eternally  az  the  vicktims  ov  extatick  neatness;  but  they  don't 
seem  tew  do  mutch  after  all,  for  they  don't  get  a  thing  fairly 
cleaned  to  their  mind  before  the  other  end  ov  it  gits  dirty, 
and  they  fall  tew  scrubbing  it  awl  over  agin. 

If  you  should  shut  one  ov  these  people  up  in  a  hogshead, 
they  would  keepbizzy  scouring  all  the  time,  and  would  clean 


360 


MOKOGllAFFS. 


»    hole    right    thru    the  side  ov  the  hogshed  in  less  than  I; 
jnonths. 
They  will  keep  a  whole  house  dirty  the  year  round  cleaning 


THE    NEAT    PERSON. 


it,  and  the  only  peace  the  family  can  hav  iz  when  mother  \z 
either  bileing  soap  or  making  dip  kandles. 

They  rize  before  daylight,  so  ax  to  begin  scrubbing  early, 
and  go  tew  bed  before  dark  for  fear  things  will  begin  tew  git 


OUR  OLDEST  INHABITANTS— TWO  OF  THEM.          361 

dirty.  These  kind  ov  excessiv  neat  folks  are  not  alwus  very 
literary,  but  they  know  soft  water  from  hard  bi  looking  at  it. 
and  they  kan  tell  what  kind  ov  soap  will  fetch  oph  the  dirt 
best.  They  are  sum  like  a  kitehin  gardin — very  regularly 
laid  out,  but  not  planted  yet. 

If  mi  wife  waz  one  ov  these  kind  ov  neatnesses  I  would 
love  her  more  than  ever,  for  i  do  luv  awl  the  different  kinds 
ov  neatness ;  but  i  think  we  would  keep  house  by  travelling 
round  awl  the  time,  and  not  stay  but  one  night  in  a  place, 
and  i  don't  think  she  would  undertake  tew  skrub  up  the 
whole  ov  the  United  States  ov  Amerika. 


OUR  OLDEST  INHABITANTS'—TWO  OF  THEM. 


JOHN    BASCOMB. 

JOHN  Bascomb  iz  now  living  in  Coon  Hollow,  Raccoon 
county,  State  ov  Iowa. 

He  iz  196  years  old,  and  kan  read  fine  print  by  moonlite 
33  feet  oph. 

He  remembers  Gen.  Washington  fust  rate,  and  once  lent 
him  10  dollars  ten  buy  a  pair  ov  kaff  skin  boots  with. 

He  fit  in  the  revolushun,  also  in  the  war  ov  1812,  likewize 
in  the  late  melee,  and  sez  he  won't  take  sass  now  from  enny 
man  living. 

He  iz  a  hard  shell  baptiss  by  religion,  and  sez  he  will  die 
for  hiz  religion. 

He  waz  konverted  150  years  ago,  and  thinks  the  hard-shell 
iz  the  tuffist  religion  thare  iz  for  every  day  wear.  He  sez 
that  one  hard  shell  baptiss  ken  do  more  hard  work  on  the  same 
vittles  during  a  hot  day  than  15  episkopalites. 

He  haz  alwus  used  plug  tobbako  from  a  child,  and  sez  he 
lernt  how  teu  cheu  bi  watching  a  cow  cheu  her  cud. 

He  haz  never  drunk  enny  intoxicating  licker  but  whiskey, 
and  sez  that  no  other  licker  is  helthy  He  thinks  3  horns  a 
day  iz  enuff  for  helth. 


362 


MONOGHAFFS. 


He  h:i;:  alwus  voted  the  dimokratik  ticket  for  the  last  17G 
years,  and  walked,  last  fall,  in  sloppy  weather,  18  miles  to 
vote  for  Jim  Buchanan. 

He  haint  never  seen  a  rale-road  yet,  nor  a  wimmin's  rite 
convenslmn. 

His  gratest  desire,  he  tells  me,  iz  ten  see  Gen.  Jackson,  and 
sez  that  he  shall  go  next  year  down  ten  Tennesee  ten  see  him. 

He  fatted  a  hog 
last  year,  with  hiz 
own  hands,  that 
weighed  636  pounds 
after  it  waz  drest  and 
well  dried  out.  He 
iz  very  cheerful,  and 
sez  he  won  7  dollars 
on  the  weight  ov  this 
hog,  out  ov  one  ov 
the  deakons  ov  the 
hard-shell  church. 
He  deklares  this  ten 
he  one  ov  the  proud- 
est acksidents  ov  hiz 
life,  for  the  deakon 
waz  known  far  and 
near  az  a  tite  kuss. 
He  tells  me  that 
for  90  years  he  haz  went  teu  bed  at  just  17  minnits  after  9, 
and  haz  arozen  at  precisely  5  o'clock  the  next  day. 

The  fust  thing  he  duz  in  the  morning  iz  teu  take  a  short 
drink,  about  2  inches,  and  then  for  an  hour  before  brekfasst  he 
reads  the  allmanax.  (/  will  here  state  that  it  iz  "  Josh  Bil~ 
lings'  Farmers'  Almanax"  that  he  reads.) 

I  asked  him  hiz  opinyun  ov  gin  and  milk  az  a  fertilizer. 
He  pronounsed  it  bogus,  and  sed  that  the  good  old  hard-shell 
drink,  whiskey  unadorned,  waz  the  only  speerits  that  neve?1 
went  bak  on  a  man. 

Hiz  habits  are  simple.     For  brekfast  he  generally  et  font 


JOHN    BASCOMB. 


OUR  OLDEST  INHABITANTS— TWO  OF  THEM.    363 

slices  ov  psalt  pork,  3  biled  pertatozc,  a  couple  ov  sassagis,  5 
hot  bisskit,  a  dozen  ov  hard  biled  eggs,  2  kups  ov  rhye  eoffc, 
a  small  plate  ov  slapjax,  sum  phew  pickles,  and  cold  cabbage 
and  vinegar,  if  thare  waz  enny  left  from  yesterday's  dinner. 

Hiz  dinner  waz  ahvus  a  lite  one,  and  lie  seldum  et  ennv- 
thing  but  sum  biled  mutton,  sum  korned  beef,  sumkoldham, 
and  sum  injun  puddin  tew  top  oph  with. 

Hiz  suppers  were  mere  nothing,  and  konsisted  simply  ov 
kold  psalt  pork,  kold  korned  beef,  kold  biled  mutton,  and, 
once  in  a  grate  while,  a  phew  slices  ov  kold  ham,  with  mustard 
and  hoss  reddish. 

I  examined  hiz  lied  and  found  that  he  had  all  the  usual 
bumps  in  a  remarkable  state  ov  preservashun. 

He  haz  a  good  ear  for  musik,  and  whisselled  me  Yankee 
Doodle,  with  variashuns. 

He  waz  born  a  shumaker,  but  hasn't  done  ennything  at  the 
trade  for  the  last  125  years.  He  enjoys  the  best  ov  health, 
but  just  now  he  iz  teething,  which  he  tells  me  \v.  hiz  7th  sett. 

He  iz  a  firm  beleaver  in  the  Darwin  theory,  and  scz  he  used 
ten  hear  hiz  grate-grandfather  tell  ova  race  ov  men  sumwharo 
down  on  the  coast  ov  Florida,  who  had  stun  little  ov  the 
kaudle  appendix  still  remaining. 

On  the  subjekt  ov  marriage  hi/  lied  seems  ten  be  ded  level. 
He  sed  "that  he  had  been  married  15  times,  and  proposed 
again  ten  Hannah  Campbell,  a  lady  in  the  naberhood,  who 
waz  28  years  old." 

I  asked  him  what  he  thought  his  chances  were  for  obtaining 
the  lady's  hand,  and  he  sed  u  it  lay  between  him  and  one 
Theodorus  Whitney,  a  travelling  korn  doctor,"  and  added  u  if 
"Whitney  didn't  look  out  he  would  enlarge  his  head  for  him." 

Upon  mi  asking  him  what  he  attributed  his  immense  lito 
and  vigor  to,  he  sed,  in  a  klear  and  distinkt  voice: 

"  To  3  small  horns  ov  whiskey  a  day,  beleaving  in  the  hard 
shell  dcktering,  and  voting  unanimously  the  demokratik 
ticket." 

I  thankt  him  very  mutch  for  the  informashun  he  had  given 
«e  ov  himself,  and  asked  him  if  he  had  enny  objekshun  to 


364  MONOGKAFFS. 

mi  putting  it  into  print,  and  he  manifested  a  great  desire  that 
i  should  do  so,  not  forgetting  ten  make  special  menshun  ov 
what  he  had  eed  about  enlarging  Whitney's  hed  for  him,  for 
lie  thought  that  would  klear  him  out  ov  the  naberhood. 

I  left  John  Bascomb  after  a  deliteful  visit  ov  four  hours, 
•md  thought  over  ten  miself,  if  thare  waz  enny  two  rules  for 
long  life  that  had  been  thus  far  diskovered  that  waz  alike. 

The  more  i  thought  ov  this,  the  more  i  wished  i  could  cum 
akrost  Methuseler  for  a  feu  minnitts,  and  hear  him  tell  how 
he  managed. 

ELIZIBETH    MEACHEM. 

Lib  Meachem  (az  she  iz  familiarly  called  in  the  township 
whare  she  resides)  iz  one  ov  the  rarest  gems  ov  extenuated 
mortality  that  has  ever  been  mi  blessed  Ink  ten  enkounter. 

She  iz  not  so  old  az  Bascomb  bi  about  two  years,  being  only 
about  194  years  old.  Next  to  Lot's  wife  she  iz  the  best  pre- 
served woman  the  world  kontains. 

I  reached  her  place  ov  residence  earlv  in  the  morninc;,  and 

«/  O ' 

in  one  minnit  after  i  told  her  mi  bizzness  her  tounge  had  a 
phull  hed  ov  steam  on,  and  for  3  hours  it  run  like  a  stream 
ov  quicksilver  down  an  inklined  plain. 

I  asked  her  a  thousand  questions  at  least,  but  not  one  ov 
them  did  she  answer,  but  kept  talking  all  the  time  faster  than 
Pochahontas  kan  pace  down  hill  ten  saddle. 

Az  near  az  i  could  find  out  she  had  lived  194  years  simply 
bekauze  she  couldn't  die  without  cutting  short  one  ov  her 
Btorys. 

I  asked  her  ten  show  me  her  tounge — I  wanted  to  see  if 
that  member  waz  badly  worn  ;  but  she  couldn't  stop  it  long 
enuff  ten  sho  it. 

This  woman  haz  reached  her  ernomus  age  without  enny 
partikular  habit. 

She  haz  outlived  every  boddy  she  haz  kum  akrost,  so  far, 
by  out-talking  them. 

The  only  subject  that  I  could  for  a  moment  arrest  the  flood 
ov  her  language  with,  waz  the  fashions ;  but  this  waz  a  sub- 
jekt  upon  whitch  i  unfortunately  wan't  mutch. 


OUR  OLDEST  INHABITANTS— TWO  OF  THEM.     -365 

As  a  last  hope  ov  drawing  her  out  upon  sum  fakts  az  tea 
her  mode  ov  life,  i  tutched  upon  that  all-absorbing  topick  teu 
both  old  and  yung — i  refer  now  teu  matrimony. 

Her  fust  husband  it  seemed,  waz  a  carpenter,  and,  teu  use 
her  own  words,  "  waz  too  lazy  teu  talk,  or  ten  listen  while  she 
talked,  and  so  he  died." 

Her  seckond  husband  waz  a  pretty  good  talker  but  a  poor 
listener,  and,  tharefore,  he  died. 

Her  third  husband  waz  a  deff  and  dum  man,  and,  az  she 
remarked,  "  either  he  or  she  had  got  teu  die,  and  the  man 
died." 

Her  fourth  husband  undertook  teu  out-talk  her,  and  died 
early. 

In  this  way  she  went  on  describing  her  husbands,  12  in  all. 

Az  i  roze  ten  depart  i  sed  ten  her  sollemly : 

"ELIZABETH  MEACIIKM,  yu  hav  been  mutch  marrid.  and 
mutch  an  inkosolate  widder — at  what  time  ov  lif e  do  yu  think 
the  marrid  state  ceazes  ten  be  preferable  2" 

She  replied : 

**  Yu  must  ask  sumboddy  older  than  i  am." 


GOOD  REZOLUSHUNS  FOR  1872,  1873  &  1874. 

THAT  i  wont  smoke  enny  more  cigars,  only  at  sum  bodj 
else's  expense. 

That  i  wont  borry  nor  lend — espeshily  lend. 

That  i  will  liv  within  mi  inkum,  if  i  hav  tew  git  trusted 
tew  do  it. 

That  i  will  be  polite  tew  evry  boddy,  except  muskeeters  and 
bed-bugs. 

That  i  wont  advise  enny  boddy,  until  i  kno  the  kind  ov  ad- 
vise they  are  anxious  tew  follow. 

That  i  wont  wear  enny  more  tite  boots,  if  i  hav  tew  go  bare- 
foot tew  do  it. 

That  i  wont  eat  enny  more  chicken  soup  with  a  one-tined 
fork. 

That  i  wont  swop  dogs  with  no  man,  unless  i  kan  swop  two 
for  one. 

That  i  wont  objekt  tew  enny  man  on  ackount  ov  hiz  color, 
unless  he  happens  tew  be  blue. 

That  i  wont  sware  enny,  unless  i  am  put  under  oath. 

That  i  wont  beleave  in  total  depravity,  only  in  gin  at  4 
shillings  a  gallon. 

That  poverty  may  be  a  blessing,  but  if  it  iz,  it  iz  a  blessing 
in  disguise. 

That  i  will  take  mi  whisky  hereafter  straight — straight  te\* 
the  gutter. 

That  the  world  owes  me  a  living — provided  i  earn  it. 

366 


GOOD  REZOLUSHUNS  FOR  1*72,   1*7:5  &    1*74. 


That  i  will  stick  tew  mi  taylor  az  long  az  he  will  stick  tew 
•ae. 

That  i  wont  swop  enny  bosses  with  a  deakon. 

That  no  man  shall  beat  me  in  politeness,  not  so  long  az  po- 
liteness kont  in  lies 
tew  be  az  cheap  az  it 
iz  now. 

That  i  wont  hav 
enny  religious 
kreed  miself,  but 
will  respekt  every 
boddy  else's. 

That  if  lovely 
woman  smaks  me  on 
one  cheek,  i  will 
turn  her  the  other 
also. 

That  if  a  man  kails 
me  a  phool,  i  wont 
ask  him  to  prove  it. 

That  i  will  lead  a 
moral  life,  even  if  i 
lose  a  good  deal  ov 
phun  by  it.     That  if  a  man  tells  me  a  mule  wont  kik,  i  will 
beleave  what  he  sez  without  tricing  it. 

That  if  enny  boddy  loozes  even  a  goose  i  will  weep  with 
him,  for  it  fz  a  tuff  bizness  tew  looze  a  goose. 

That  if  i  ever  do  git  a  hen  that  kan  lay  2  eggs  a  day,  i  shall 
insist  upon  her  keeping  one  ov  the  eggs  on  hand  for  a  sinking 
phund. 

That  it  iz  no  disgrace  tew  be  bit  bi  a  dog  unless  he  duz  it 
the  seckond  time. 

That  it  iz  just  az  natral  tew  be  born  ritch  az  poor,  but  it  iz 
seldumso  convenient. 

That  one  ov  the  riskyest  things  tew  straddle  iz  the  l>ak  o* 
a  60  day  note. 


368  MISCELLANEOUS. 

That  the  best  time  tew  repent  ov  a  blunder  iz  just  before 
the  blunder  is  made. 

That  i  will  try  hard  tew  be  honest,  but  it  will  be  just  mi 
darn  Ink  tew  miss  it. 

That  i  won't  grow  enny  kats.  Spontaneous  kats  hav  killed 
the  bissness. 

That  i  will  love  my  mother-in-law  if  it  takes  all  the  money 
i  kan  earn  tew  do  it. 

That  i  beleave  real  good  lies  are  gitting  skarser  and  skarsei 
every  day. 

That  i  will  respekt  publik  opinyun  just  az  long  az  i  kan  re 
spekt  myself  in  doing  it. 

That  when  i  hear  a  man  bragging  on  hiz  ansestors  i  won't 
envy  him,  but  i  will  pity  the  ansestors. 

Thati  wont  beleave  in  enny  ghost  or  ghostesses  unless  they 
weigh  about  140  pounds  and  can  eat  a  good  square  meal. 

That  i  won't  bet  on  nothing,  for  things  that  require  betting 
on,lak  sumthing. 

That  i  will  brag  on  mi  wife  all  the  time,  but  i  will  do  it 
silently. 

That  i  won't  be  suprised  at  ennything,  not  even  tew  be 
told  that  Ben  Franklin  waz  a  spendthrift,  or  that  Lazarus 
died  ritch. 

That  i  will  dispize  most  things  that  i  see,  not  out  ov  mal- 
ice, but  out  ov  wisdum. 

That  i  won't  hanker  for  happiness,  but  if  i  see  enny  that  i 
think  iz  a  bargin  i  will  shut  up  one  eye  and  go  for  it. 

That  i  won't  wish  i  waz  az  pure  as  King  David,  but  that  i 
was  purer  than  i  am. 

That  i  won't  kovet  enny  man's  wife,  nor  hiz  oxen,  nor  hiz 
kornstalks,  nor  the  color  ov  hiz  mustash. 

That  i  will  laff  every  good  chance  i  kan  git,  whether  it 
makes  me  gro  phatt  or  not. 

Finally,  i  will  sarch  for  things  that  are  little,  for  things  that 
are  lonesum,  avoiding  all  torch  lite  proseshuns.  bands  ov 
brass  music,  Wimmins'  rights  convenshuns  and  grass  widdera 
generally, 


MY  FUST  GONG.  36!) 

MY  FUST  GONG. 

I  NEVER  kan  eradicate  holy  from  mi  rnemry  the  sound  ov 
the  first  gong  I  ever  herd  — i  was  setting  on  the  frunt 
stupe  ov  a  tavern  in  the  sitty  ov  Bufferlo,  pensively  a  smok- 
in. 

The  sun  was  a  goin  tn  hed,  and  the  heavens  fnr  and  nere 
was  blushing  at  the  purformanse. 

The  Eri  kanall  with  its  goldin  waters  was  on  its  windin  wa 
tualbany,  and  i  was  perusin  the  line  bote>,  a  flotin  by,  and 
thinkin  ov  Italy,  (whare  i  used  tu  live,)  and  her  gondolers, 
and  gallus  wimmin. 

Mi  entire  sole  was,  as  it  ware  in  a  swet,  i  wanted  tu  climb, 
i  felt  grate,  i  aktually  grew. 

Thar  ar  things  in  this  life  tu  big  tu  be  trifled  with,  thar  ar 
times  when  a  man  brakes  luce  from  hisself,  when  he  sees 
speerits,  when  he  kan  almost  tuch  the  moon,  and  feels  as  tho 
he  kud  fill  both  hands  with  the  stars  ov  heavin  and  almost 
sware  he  was  a  bank  president. 

Thats  what  ailed  me. 

But  the  korse  ov  tru  luv  never  did  run  smoove,  (this  iz 
Shakesperes  opinion  too,  i  and  he  often  think  thru  one  quill) 
just  az  i  was  doing  my  best,  •  •  •  •  dummer,  dummer, 
spat,  bang,  beller,  crash,  roar,  ram,  dummer,  dummer,  whang, 
rip,  rare  rally,  dummer  dummer,  dummer  dum,  •  •  •  • 
with  onetremenjis  jump,  i  struck  the  senter  ovthe  sidewalk, 
with  anuther  i  kleared  the  gutter  and  with  anuther,  i  stud  in 
the  middle  ov  the  strets  snorting  like  a  injinponey,  at  a  band 
ov  musik ;  i  gazed  in  wilde  dispare  at  the  tavern  stand,  mi 
harte  swelled  up  as  big  as  an  out  door  oven,  mi  teeth  were  as 
luce  as  a  string  ov  prairy  beads. 

I  thout  all  the  crokery  in  the  tavern  stand  had  fell  down, 
i  thout  ov  fenomenoms,  i  thought  ov  gabrel  and  his  horn. 

I  was  just  on  the  pint  ov  thinking  ov  sumthing  else  when 
the  landlord  cum  out  to  the  frunt  stupe  ov  the  tavern  stand 
holding  by  a  string  the  bottom  ov  an  old  brass  kittle. 

He  called  me  gentla  with  his  hand  i  went  slola  and  sadla  tq 
24+ 


370  MISCELLANEOUS. 

him,  lie  calmed  mi  feres,  he  ced  it  was  a  gong ;  i  saw  the  cus 
sed  thing,  he  ced  supper  was  reddy,  he  axed  me  if  i  would  hav 
black  or  green  tea  and  i  ced  i  would. 


KORK 

KORJS  iz  a  serial,  i  am  glad  ov  it. 
It  got  its  name  from  Series,  a  primitiff  woman,  and 
in  her  day,  the  goddess  ov  oats,  and  sieh  like. 

Korn  iz  sumtimes  called  maize,  and  it  grows  in  sum  parts 
of  the  western  country,  very  amaizenly. 

I  hav  seen  it  out  thare  18  foot  hi  (i  don't  mean  the  aktual 
korn  itself,  but  the  tree  on  which  it  grows.) 

Korn  haz  ea  's,  but  never  haz  but  one  ear,  which  iz  az  defi 
az  an  adder. 

Injun  meal  iz  made  out  ov  korn,  and  korn  dodgers  iz  made 
out  ov  injun  meal,  and  korn  dodgers  are  the  tutfest  chunks, 
ov  the  bread  purswashun,  known  tew  man. 

Korn  dodgers  are  made  out  ov  water,  with  injun  meal  mixt 
into  it,  and  then  baked  on  a  hard  board,  in  the  presence  ov  a 
hot  fire. 

When  yu  kant  drive  a  10  penny  nail  into  them,  with  a 
isiedge  hammer,  they  are  sed,  bi  geod  judges,  to  be  well  done, 
and  are  reddy  tew  be  chawed  upon. 

They  will  keep  5  years,  in  a  damp  place,  and  not  gro  ten- 
der, and  a  dog  hit  with  one  of  them  will  yell  for  a  week,  and 
then  crawl  under  the  barn,  and  mutter  for  two  days  more. 

I  hav  knawed  two  hours  miself  on  one  side  of  a  korn  dodg- 
er without  produsing  enny  result,  and  i  think  i  could  starve 
to  death  twice  before  i  could  seduce  a  korn  dodger. 

They  git  the  name  dodger  from  the  immegiate  necessity 
ov  dodgeing,  if  one  iz  hove  horizontally  at  yu  in  anger. 

It  iz  far  better  tew  be  smote  bi  a  3  year  old  steer,  than  a 
Korn  dodger,  that  iz  only  three  hours  c>M. 


KORN. 


371 


Korn  was  fust  diskovered  bi  the  injuns,  but  whare  they 
fuund  it  I  don't  kno,  and  i  don't  know  as  i  care. 

Whiskee,  (noble  whiskee,)  is  made  out  ov  korn,  and  whis- 
kee is  one  ov  the  greatest  blessings  known  tew  man. 

We  never  should  hav  bin  able  tew  till  our  state  prizona 
with  energetick  men,  and  our  poor-houses  with  good  eaters,  if 
it  want  for  noble  whiskee. 

We  never  should  have  had  enny  temperance  sons  ov  sosi« 
ety,  nor  demokratik  politicians,  nor  prize  fites,  nor  good 
murders,  nor  phatt  ^Ife.  (YGV''crv^N  Be 

aldermen,  nor  whis- 
kee  rings,  nor  noth- 
ing, if  it  want  for 
blessed  whiskee. 

If  it  want  for  korn, 
how  could  ennybod- 
dy  git  korned? 

And  if  it  want  for 
gitting  korned,  what 
would  life  be  worth  ? 

We  should  all  sink 
down  to  the  level  ov 
the  brutes  if  it  want 
for  gitting  korned. 

The  brutes  don't 
git  k  o  r  n  e  d,  they 
haint  got  enny 
reason  nor  soul. 

We  often  hear  ov  " drunken  brutes"  this  is  a  kompliment 
to  oxen  which  dont  belong  tew  them. 

Koni  also  haz  kurnels,  and  kurnels  are  often  korned,  so  are 
brigadeer-ginerals. 

Johnny  kake  is  made  out  ov  korn,  so  iz  hasty  puddin. 

Hasty  puddin  and  milk  is  quick  tew  eat. 

All  you  hav  got  to  do  iz  to  gap,  and  swallo,  and  that  iz  the 
last  ov  the  puddin. 

Korn  waz  familiar  tew  antiquity.     Joseph  waz  sent  dow« 


372  MISCELLANEOUS. 

into  Egipt  after  sum  korn,  but  his  brothers  didn't  want  him 
to  go,  so  they  took  pitty  on  him  and  pitted  him  in  a  pit. 

When  his  brothers  got  back  hum,  and  were  asked  whare 
Joe  waz,  they  didn't  acknowledge  the  korn,  but  lied  sum. 

It  has  been  proved,  that  it  iz  wicked  to  lie  about  korn,  or 
enny  ov  the  other  vegetables. 

Thare  iz  this  difference  between  lieing,  and  sawing  wood, 
it  iz  easier  to  lie,  espeshily  in  the  shade. 

Korn  has  got  one  thing  that  noboddy  else  has  got,  and  that 
iz  a  kob. 

This  kob  runs  thru  the  middle  ov  the  korn,  and  iz  as  phull 
ov  korn  as  Job  waz  ov  biles. 

I  alwus  feel  sorry  \vhen  i  think  ov  Job,  and  wonder  how 
he  managed  tew  set  down  in  a  chair. 

Knowing  how  tewT  set  down,  square  on  a  bile,  without 
hurting  the  chair,  iz  one  ov  the  lost  arts. 

Job  waz  a  card,  he  had  more  pashunce,  and  biles,  tew  the 
square  inch,  than  iz  usual. 

One  hundred  and  twenty-five  akers  ov  korn  tew  the  bushel 
iz  konsidered  a  good  krop,  but  i  have  seen  more. 

I  hav  seen  korn  sold  for  10  cents  a  bushel,  and  in  sum 
parts  of  the  western  country,  it  iz  so  much,  that  thare  aint 
no  good  law  aginst  stealing  it. 

In  konklushun,  if  yu  want  tew  git  a  sure  crop  ov  korn, 
and  a  good  price  for  the  krop,  feed  about  4  quarts  ov  it  to  a 
shanghi  rooster,  then  murder  the  rooster  immejiately.  and 
sell  him  for  17  cents  a  pound,  krop  and  all. 


ADYERTIZEMENT. 

IKAX  sell  for  eighteen  hundred  and  thirty -nine  dollars, 
a  pallas,  a  sweet  and  pensive  retirement,  lokated  on  the 
virgin  banks  ov  the  Hudson,  kontaining  85  acres.  The  land 
is  luxuriously  divided  by  the  hand  of  natur  and  art,  into  pas- 
tor and  tillage,  into  plain  and  deklivity,  into  stern  abruptness, 
and  the  dallianse  ov  moss-tufted  inedder ;  streams  ov  spark 


ADVICE  TEW  LECTfK  KOMMITTYS.  370 

ling  gladness,  (thick  with  trout,)  danse  through  tins  wilder- 
ness  ov  buty,  tew  the  low  musik  ov  the  kricket  and  grass- 
hopper. The  evergreen  sighs  az  the  evening  zephir  flits 
through  its  shadowy  buzzum,  and  the  aspen  trembles  like 
the  luv-smitten  harte  ov  a  dainsell.  Fruits  ov  the  tropicks, 
in  golden  buty,  melt  on  the  bows,  and  the  bees  go  heavy  and 
sweet  from  the  fields  to  their  garnering  hives.  The  manshun 
iz  ov  Parian  marble,  the  porch  iz  a  single  diamond,  set  with 
rubiz  and  the  mother  ov  pearl ;  the  floors  are  ov  rosewood, 
and  the  ceilings  are  more  butiful  than  the  starry  vault  of 
heavin.  Hot  and  cold  water  bubbles  and  squirts  in  evry 
apartment,  and  nothing  is  wanting  that  a  poet  could  pra  for, 
or  art  could  portray.  The  stables  are  worthy  of  the  steeds 
ov  Nimrod  or  the  studs  ov  Akilles,  and  its  henery  waz  bilt 
expressly  for  the  birds  of  paradice  ;  whfle  somber  in  the  dis- 
tance, like  the  cave  ov  a  hermit,  glimpses  are  caught  ov  the 
dorg-house.  Here  poets  hav  cum  and  warbled  their  laze — 
here  skulptors  hav  cut.  here  painters  hav  robbed  the  scene  ov 
dreamy  landskapes,  and  here  the  philosopher  diskovered  the 
stun,  which  made  him  the  alkimist  ov  natur.  Nex  north- 
ward ov  this  thing  ov  buty,  sleeps  the  residense  and  domain 
ov  the  Duke  John  Smith  ;  while  southward,  and  nearer  the 
spice-breathing  tropicks,  may  be  seen  the  barronial  villy  ov 
Earl  Brown,  and  the  Duchess,  Widder  Betsy  Stevens.  Walls 
ov  primitiff  rock,  laid  in  Roman  cement,  bound  the'estate, 
while  upward  and  downward,  the  eye  catches  far  away,  the 
magesta  and  slow  grander  ov  the  Hudson.  As  the  young 
morn  hangs  like  a  cutting  ov  silver  from  the  blu  brest  ov  the 
ski,  an  angel  may  be  seen  each  night  dan  sing  with  golden 
tiptoes  on  the  green.  (X.  B.  This  angel  goes  with  the 
place.) 

ADYICE  TEW  LECTUR  KOHMITTYS 

1     DON'T   hire  enny  man  tew  lektur  for  yii  (never  mind 
t  how  moral  he  iz)  unless  yu  kan  make  munny  on  him. 
2.  Selekt  10  ov  yure  best  looking  and  most  talking  mem 
bers  tew  meet  the  lekturer  at  the  depot. 


374 


MISCELLANEOUS. 


3.  Don't  fail  tew  tell  the  lekturer  at  least  14  times  on  yi-.n 
way  from  the  depot  tew  the  hotel  that  yu  hav  got  the  smartest 
town  in  kreashun,  and  sevral  men  in  it  that  are  wuth  over  a 
millyun. 

4.  When  yu  reach  the  hotel  introduce  the  lekturer  imme- 
jiately  to  at  least  25  ov  yure  fust  klass  citizens,  if  yu  hav  tew 
send  out  for  them. 

5.  When  the  lekturer's  room  iz  reddy  go  with  him  in 
masse  to  hiz  room  and  remind  him  4  or  5  more  times  that  yu 

had  over  3  thousand 
people  iu  yure  city 
at  the  last  census*, 
and  are  a  talking 
about  having  an  op- 
era house. 

6.  Don't  leave  the 
lekturer  alone  in  his 
room  over  15  min- 
uits    at    once ;     he 
might  take  a  drink 
out  ov  his  flask  on 
the  sli  if  yu  did. 

7.  When   yu    m- 
trojuce  the  lekturer 
tew     the     aujience 
don't  fail  tew  make 
a     speech     ten    or 
twelve  feet  long,  oc- 
cupying  a   haff   an 

hour,  and  if  yu  kan  ring  in  sumthing  about  the  growth  ov 
yure  butiful  sitty,  so  mutch  the  better. 

8.  Always  seat  9  or  10  ov  the  kommitty  on  the  stage,  and 
then  if  it  iz  a  kommik  lektur,  and  the  kommitty  don't  lan°  a 
good  deal,  the  aujence  will  konklude  that  the  lektur  i;c  a  fail- 
ure; and  if  they  do  laff  a  good  deal,  the  aujence  will  kon- 
klude they  are  stool-pigeons. 

9.  Jist  az  soon  az  the  lectur  iz  thru  bring  75  or  80  ov  tho 


ADVICE  TEW  LEOTUR  KOMMITTYS.  37H 

richest  ov  yure  populashnn  np  onto  the  stage  and  let  then: 
iqueeze  the  hand  and  exchange  talk  with  the  lekturer. 

10.  Go  with  the  lekturer  from  the  hall  tew  hi/  room  in  a 
hunch,  and  remind  him  once  or  twice  more  on  the  way  that 
vnre  sitty  iz  a  growing  very  rapidly,  and  ask  him  if  he  don't 
think  so. 

11.  If  the  lekturer  should  inquire  how  the  comik  lekturers 
had  succeeded  wrho  had  preceded  him,  don't  forget  tew  tell 
him  that  they  were  all  failures.     This  will  enable  him  tew 
guess  what  they  will  say  about  him  just  az  soon  az  he  gits 
out  ov  town. 

12.  If  the  lekturer's  fee  should  be  a  hundred  dollars  or  more, 
don't  hesitate   tew  pay  him   next  morning,  about  5  minnits 
before  the  train  leaves,  in  old,  lop-eared  one-dollar  bills,  with 
a  liberal  sandwitching  ov  tobbakko-stained  shinplasters. 

13.  I  forgot  tew  say  that  the  fust   thing  yu   should  tell  a 
lekturer,  after  yu  had  sufficiently  informed  him  ov  the  immense 
growth  ov  yure  citty,  iz  that  ynre  people  are  not  edukated 
up  tew  lekturs  yet,  but  are  grate  on  nigger-minstrels. 

14.  If  it  iz  konvenient,  i  would   alwus  hav   a  boy  or  two 
selling  peanuts  aiming  the  aujienee,  during  the  lekture,  at   5 
cents  a  kupfull. 

15.  Never  fail  tew  ask  the  lekturer  whare  he  finds  the  most 
appreciated  aujiences,  airtl  he  won't  fail  tew  tell  yu  (if  he  iz 
an  honest  man)  that  thare  ain't   no   state  in   the  Union   that 
begins  tew  kompare  with  yures. 

16.  Let  15   or  2<>  ov  yure  kommitty  go  with  the  lekturer, 
next  morning,  tew  the  kars,  and  az  each  one  shakes  hands 
with  him  with  a  kind  ov  deth  grip,  don't  forget  tew  state  that 
yure  citty  iz  growing  very  mutch  in  people. 

17.  If  the  night  iz  Avet,  and  the  inkum  ov  the  house  won't 
pay  expenses,  don't   hesitate  tew  make   it   pay  by   taking  a 
chunk  out  ov  the  lekturer's  fee.     The  lekturers  all  like  this, 
but  they  are  too  modest,  as  a  klass,  tew  say  so. 

18.  I  know  ov  several   other  good  rules  tew  follow,  but 
tfie  abuv  will  do  tew  begin  with. 


876  MISCELLANEOUS. 

SUPPLEMENTARY. 

Everyboddy  now-daze  wants  tew  be  a  genius,  but  what  the 
world  wants  the  most  iz  men  ov  tallent.  It  don't  require 
enny  genius  tew  shut  a  door  after  yu,  when  yu  go  thru  it. 

Rum  iz  a  bill  ov  exchange  on  snmstaitprizonoralms-hous. 
I  think  i  am  right  when  i  say  that  all  things  which  do  not 
corrupt  are  innosent. 

It  iz  not  a  bad  kompliment  tew  poor  human  natur  that  vice, 
tew  be  very  seduktive,  must  be  made  attraktive.  Thare  are 
but  phew  who  prefer  their  iniquity  on  the  haff  shell. 

It  iz  the  surprizes  ov  life  after  all  that  giv  it  its  zest — even 
a  rat  bekums  interesting  bi  the  natral  suddenty  with  whitch  he 
cums  out  or  goes  into  his  hoel. 

I  don't  bet  on  prekoshus  children,  they  are  like  peas  in  Feb- 
uary,  either  forced,  or  out  ov  their  latitude. 

Wit,  without  wisdum,  iz  like  a  song  without  sense,  it  don't 
pleaze  long. 

Yu  kan't  find  contentment  laid  down  on  the  map  :  it  iz  an 
imaginary  place  not  settled  yet ;  and  thoze  reach  it  the  soon- 
est who  throw  away  their  compass  and  go  it  blind. 

The  gratest  problem  ever  given  tew  man  tew  solve,  and  the 
one  whitch  he  haz  made  the  least  progress  in,  iz,  "•  know  thy- 
self? 


LETTER  TO  FARMERS. 

Beloved  Farmers  : 

Agrikultur  iz  the  mother  ov  farm  produce ;  she  iz  also  the 
step-mother  ov  gardin  sass. 

Rize  at  haff  past  2  o'clock  in  the  morning,  bild  up  a  big 
fire  in  the  kitchen,  burn  out  two  pounds  ov  kandels,  and  grease 
yure  boots. 

"Wait  pashuntly  for  da  brake.  When  day  duz  bi?ake,  then 
cornmense  tew  stir  up  the  geese  and  worry  the  hogs. 

Too  mutch  sleep  iz  ruinous  tew  geese  and  tew  hogs.   Remem- 


A  TEMPRAN8E  KLUB.  .'577 

ber  yu  kant  git  ritch  on  a  farm,  unless  ya  rize  at  2  o'clock  in 
the  morning,  and  stir  up  the  hogs  and  \vorrv  the  geese. 

The  happyest  man  in  the  world  iz  the  farmer;  he  me,.,  at 
2  o'clock  in  the  morning,  he  watches  for  da  lite  tew  brake, 
and  when  she  duz  brake,  he  goes  out  and  stirs  up  the  geese 
and  worrys  the  hogs. 

What  iz  a  lawyer  ?— What  iz  a  merchant  ?— What  iza  dok- 
tor? — What  iz  a  minister? — I  answer,  nothing! 

A  farmer  iz  the  nobless  work  ov  God ;  he  rizes  at  2  o'clock 
in  the  morning,  and  burns  out  a  liaff  a  pound  ov  wood  and 
two  kords  ov  kandels,  and  then  goes  out  tew  worry  the  geese 
and  stir  up  the  hogs. 

Beloved  farmers,  adew. 


A  TEMPRANSE  KLUB. 


T71EELING  the  grate  need  miself,  ov  a  khib  ov  sum  kind,  i 
JL  hav  organized  a  tcinpranse  klub,  and  am  anxious  tew 
take  into  the  buzzom  ov  the  klub,  enny  party,  who  haz  fair 
moral  papers,  and  who  iz  not  over  5  feet  and  1)  inches  in 
hite. 

Sum  few  ov  the  leading  artikles  ov  faith,  bi  wich  the  kln> 
iz  tew  be  navigated,  will  be  found,  on  examinashun,  to  be  az 
follows : 

Single  admishuns  tew  the  klub  50  cents,  or  three  admishuns 
for  one  dollar. 

Fast  yung  men  admitted  at  5  per  cent  diskount  from  our 
regular  rates. 

The  coat  ov  arms  ov  this  klub  iz  a  glass  ov  cold  water,  with 
a  pickle  in  it. 

The  password  iz---a  sweet  ~breaih. 

The  principal  objekt  ov  this  klub  iz  to  kultivate  soshul  sen- 
timents without  the  aid  ov  whisky. 

We  soliumly  beleave  that  whisky  iz  only  good  for  the  iu- 
juns. 


373 


MISCELLANEOUS. 


Thoze  who  are  in  the  habit  ov  paying  .a  dollai  for  a  drink^ 
not  admitted,  such  folks  are  too  respektabel. 

No  female  admitted  unless  she  wants  to  git  her  husband  to 
change  a  bill,  and  see  what  iz  going  on. 

We  are  opposed  to  all  prohibitory  laws,  except  for  hoss 
stealing,  and  the  like. 

We  beleave  man  iz  a  free  moral  kritter,  but  full  ov  cussid- 
cess,  and  if  he  iz  determined  tew  eat  tuff  beef,  and  drink  pizon 

whisky,  we  hold 
that  he  probably 
will. 

One  ov  the  prin- 
sipal  objekts  ov 
this  klub  iz  tewr 
find  out  which  haz 
got  the  most  spirit 
in  it,  a  man,  or  a 
quart  ov  whisky. 

If  a  man  kant 
keep  from  gitting 
dry  without  being 
put  under  bonds, 
he  must  jine  sum 
other  tempranse 
klub. 

This  klub  haz  no 
pollytiks,  nor  no 

religion,  enny  man  kan  belong  tew  this  klub,  and  vote  even 
the  dimokratik  tiket,  and  tend  the  presbeterian,  or  hard  shell 
babtisst  meeting  house. 

No  man  admitted  tew  this  klub  who  kant  swallo  a  mod- 
erate horn  ov  lickquor ;  (if  he  aktually  needs  it)  without  ^he 
aid  ov  a  doktors  preskripshun. 

Men  who  kant  keep  sober  when  they  are  in  convivial  places, 
are  earnestly  invited  tew  jine  this  klub,  and  learn  how. 

No  one  who  belongs  to  this  klub  iz  obliged  tew  eat  a  pound 
ov  salt  codfish  and  not  feel  dry. 


A  TKMl'KANSE  KLl'B.  37U 

Old    bummers  who   visit  us,  will   not  1  e  a.lmitted,  unless 
they  giv  the  pass  word,  (the  puss  word  iz  named  above.) 

All  persons  making  aplikashun  lor  admishun  must  at  least 
be  sober  enuff  tew  be  ashamed  ov  themselfs. 

We  dont  beleave  that  law  ever  kept  a  imm  sober  long,  but 
we  do  beleave  that  entreaty  and  example  ha/. 

This  iz  not  a  total  abstinence  klub. 

We  would  be  willing  to  make  it  one  if  we  only  knew  how. 

If  a  man  jines  this  klub,  and  then  gits  drunk,  we  take  him 
in  again  az  soon  as  he  gits  sober. 

Members  taken  for  one  sitting,  for  the  purpose  ov  gitting 
sober. 

Advice,  consolashun,  pitty,  remonstrance,  and  enkourage 
merit,  free. 

Klub-room  open  nite  and  day. 

A  skillful  doktor  in  attendance  who  understands  sowing 
up  tares  in  the  flesh,  and  removeing  blak  and  blue  spots. 

Man  iz  our  brother,  and  we  haven't  learnt  yet  that  rum  ha/c 
destroyed  the  relashunship. 

The  accumulating  funds  tew  be  invested  in  all  kinds  ov 
decent  amuzements. 

Every  member  or  applikant  owning  a  good  dogg,  are  in« 
vited  tew  bring  the  dogg. 

No  muzzles  on  man  or  kritter  allowed  in  this  club. 

Men  owning  fast  trotters,  are  requested  to  visit  us,  and 
hear  us  talk  hoss,  and  see  us  drink  root  beer. 

We  had  rather  undertake  tew  make  ten  men  temperate 
than  one  total  abstinent. 

This  klub  never  gives  a  man  up  untill  he  kant  tell  the  truth 
without  lieing. 

A  temperate  liar  is  the  very  wust  kind. 

Total  abstinence  iz  the  only  kure  for  lieing. 

The  publik  are  advised  tew  examine  our  bi-laws  and  con. 
stitushnn,  and  see  if  we  liv  up  tew  them. 

Wanted,  (to  begin  biznes  with,)  a  haff  dozen  good-hearted 
fellows,  with  sum  brains,  who  have  bin  led  tew  beleave  that 
thare  aint  no  phun  in  this  world  only  in  a  gin  cocktail. 

No  phools  nor  bigots  solicited. 


380  MISSELLANEOUS. 

PROVEKBIAL  PIG. 

AZ  the  white  rose  wakens  intu  buty,  so  dus  the  white  Pig 
cum  tu  gladden  us. 

Hiz  ears  are  like  the  lilac  leaf,  played  upon  bi  the  young 
zephurs  at  eventide,  his  silkaness  is  the  woof  ov  buty,  and  his 
figger  is  the  outline  ov  lovlaness. 

His  food  is  white  nectar,  drawn  from  the  full  fountain  ov 
affecshun. 

He  waxes  fatter,  and  more  slik,  evra  da,  and  hangs  from 
the  buzzum  ov  his  muther  like  an  image  ov  alabastur. 

He  laffeth  at  forms,  and  curleth  his  tale  still  clusser,  as  his 
feast  goeth  on,  then  he  riseth  with  gladness,  and  wandereth 
with  his  kindred,  beside  the  still  waters. 

His  brothers  and  sisters  are  az  like  him  as  flakes  ov  snow, 
and  all  the  day  long,  amung  the  red  klover,  and  beneath  the 
white  thorn,  he  maketh  his  joy,  and  leadeth  a  life  arkadian. 

His  words  are  low  musik,  and  his  language  the  untutored 
freshness  ov  natur. 

His  pastime  is  the  history  ov  innersence,  and  his  lessure  is 
elaganse. 

He  walketh  whare  grase  leadeth,  and  gambles  tew  the 
dallianse  ov  dewy  fragranse. 

He  gathereth  straws  in  his  mouth,  and  hasteneth  awa  on 
errants  ov  gladness. 

He  listeneth  tu  the  the  reproof  of  hiz  parent  ;his  ackshuns 
are  the  laws-  ov  perliteness,  and  his  logick  is  the  power  ov 
instinkt. 

His  datime  is  pease  and  his  evening  is  gentle  forgitfull- 
ness. 

As  he  takoth  on  years,  he  loveth  kool  plases,  and  delveth 
in  liquids,  and  stirreth  the  arth  tew  a  fatness,  and  painteth 
hisself  in  dark  cullors,  a  reffuge  from  flize,  and  the  torments 
ov  life. 

He  forgetteth  his  parent,  and  bekumeth  his  own  master, 
and  larneth  the  mistery  ov  food,  and  groweth  hugely. 

Men  gaze  at  his  porkyiiees,  and  konnt  his  vallu  bi  pounds, 


JOSH  BILLINGS'  ADDKESS. 


and  In  in  \vate  for  him,  and  sacrifise  him,  and  give  his  flesh 
salt  for  its  safety. 
This  is  Pig  life. 


JOSH  BILLINGS  ADDRESSES  THE  "FEMAIL 
PORDUtfK  SOWING  SOSIETY.'" 

FELLER  SISTERS :— When  I  caste  mi  eye  on  a  sirklc  01 
luvely  wimmin  bizzy  with  their  needles,  mi  harte  seems 
tew  stretch  clean  akross  mi  biizznm.  An'l  when  i  reflek  for 
a  minnit,  that  tha  are  tew  work  for  nothing,  and  find  them- 
selfs,  and  that  a  yung  heathin  stans  reddy  yelping  around  the 
corner,  for  the  very  shirt  tha  are  wurking  on,  it  duz  seem  tu 
me,  that  i  cud  shout  hozzanner  for  3  weeks  on  a  strech. 

Feller  Sisters,  yu  kan  kount  on  Josh  Billings  uz  a  frend ; 
he  hives  charitee,  az  a  pup  hankers  for  mi  milk ;  his  verry 
natur  looks  out  onto  the  horizen  ov  the  poor  folks,  jist  as  the 
lite  ov  a  tin  lantern  shines  akross  a  bog  meddow. 

And  he  sees  the  little  bare  bak  yung  ones  shivering  for  a 
krust  ov  bread,  and  hungry  for  a  shirt  ;  then  he  looks  at  the 
Sisters,  a  talking  and  sowing,  and  sowing  and  talking,  and  he 
kounts  a  hole  parcil  ov  little  shirts  on  the  tabil,  and  then  he 
thinks  ov  the  widders  cruise,  and  the  bred  hove  onto  the  wa- 
ters, menshioned  in  the  good  Book,  and  he  feels  jist  az  tho 
he  wud  like  tew  own  awl  the  femail  sowing  sosieties  in  the 
wurld  hisself,  and  put  hiz  hole  fortin  in  the  little  reddy  made 
oottin  shirt  bizziness. 

Oh  Charitee!  Oh  Charitee !  When  Josh  Billings  com 
mnnes  with  you,  he  feals  az  tho  he  had  jist  been  tried  out, 
and  sot  awa  tew  cool. 

Feller  Sisters,  don't  be  skeered,  let  the  ritch  and  the  hawtj 
stik  up  their  nozes,  and  let  the  eddicated  larf. 

Josh  wud  like  no  better  fun  than  jiss  to  bet  his  0  dollars, 
that  enny  Sister,  in  full  communion  with  this  ere  sowing  so- 
siety,  who  puts  in  full  time,  and  cuts  the  cotting  tew  advau 
tage,  wil  git  her  final  reward. 


382 


MISSELLANEOUS. 


Tew  konklude,    Feller  Sisters,  pitch    in ;   remember   Mr. 
Lots  wife,  she  that  was  salted  for  looken  bak. 

Cum  together  arly,  and  oftin,  buy  jure  cottin  by  the  pef»*e; 


JOSH    ADDRESSES    THE    FEMAIL    "  FORDUNK    SOWING    SOSIETY." 


be  keerf ul  how  yu  deal  out  youre  shirts,  for  thare  iz  evry  no\v 
and  then,  a  bogus  heathin. 

Stan  bi  yure  konstitushion,  and  bi  laws,  dew  awl  this,  and 
the  "  Femail  Pordunk  Sowing  Sosiety"  will  go  down  tew  fute? 
prosterita,  like  a  wide-awake  torchlite  possession. 

T  bid  vu  tenderla  anew. 


THE  FUST  BABY.  383 

THE  FUST  BABY. 

THE  fust  baby  has  bekum  one  ov  the  fixed  stars  ov  life ; 
and  ever  since  the  fust  one  was  born,  on  the  rong  side  of 
the  gardin  ov  Eden,  down  tew  the  little  stranger  ov  yesterday, 
chey  hav  never  failed  tew  be  a  budget  ov  mutch  joy — an 
event  ov  mutch  gladness. 

Tew  wake  up  some  cheerful  morning,  and  ccc  a  pair  ov 
soft  eyes  looking  into  yours — to  wonder  how  so  mutch  buty 
could  have  been  entrusted  to  you — to  sarch  out  the  father,  or 
the  mother,  in  the  sweet  little  fase,  and  then  lozo  the  survey, 
in  an  instant  of  buty,  as  a  laffing  Angel  lays  before  you — tew 
pla  with  the  golden  hare,  and  sow  fond  kisses  upon  this  little 
bird  in  yure  nest — tiz  this  that  makes  the  fust  baby,  the  joy 
ov  awl  joys — a  feast  ov  the  harte. 

Tew  find  the  pale  Mother  again  bi  yure  side,  more  luvly 
than  when  she  was  wooed — tew  see  a  new  tenderness  in  her 
eye,  and  tew  hear  the  chastened  sweetness  ov  her  laff,  as  she 
tells  something  new  about  "Willie" — tew  luv  her  far  more 
than  ever,  and  tew  find  oftimes  a  prayer  on  yure  lips — 4  iz 
this  that  makes  the  fust  baby  a  fountain  ov  sparkling  plez- 
zure. 

Tew  watch  the  bud  on  yure  rosebush,  tew  ketch  the  fust 
notes  ov  yure  song-bird,  tew  hear  the  warm  praze  ov  kind 
frends,  and  tew  giv  up  yure  hours  tew  the  trezzure — tiz  this 
that  makes  the  fust  baby  a  gift  that  Angels  hav  brought  yu. 

Tew  look  upon  the  trak  that  life  takes — tew  see  the  sun- 
shine and  shower — tew  plead  for  the  best,  and  shrink  from 
the  wust — tew  shudder  when  sikness  steals  ou,  and  tew  be 
chastened  when  death  comes — tiz  this — oh !  tiz  this  that 
makes  the  fust  baby  a  hope  upon  arth,  and  a  gem  up  in 
heaven. 


JOSH  BILLINGS  UNDER  OATH. 

JOSH  BILLINGS  being  duly  sworn,  testifys  az  f  oilers: 
Eight  wont  go  into  6  and  hav  mutch  ov   cnny  thing  left 
over.     Menny  a  yung  fellow  haz  found  out  this  sum  in  arith. 


38i 


MISCELLANEOUS. 


meticks  bi  tricing  tew  git  a  number  8  loot  into  a  number  6 
boot. 

Virteu,  in  one  respekt,  iz  like  munny.  That  which  we  hav 
tew  work  the  hardesst  for  sticks  tew  us  the  best. 

Men  ov  phew  but  aktive  branes  hav  the  best  exekutive 
abilitys.  Their  branes  are  like  a  bullit— compakt,  and  go 
strate  for  the  bull's  eye. 

Affektaslum  never  improved  enny  boddy  yet.  It  iz  better 
tew  be  a  devil  than  a  hypokntt. 

I  hav  often  herd  thare  waz  men  who  knew  more  than  they 
could  tell,  but  i  never  met  one.  i  hav  often  met  thoze  who 

could  tell  a  grate  deal 
more  than  they  did 
kno,  and  waz  willing 
tew  sware  to  it  be- 
sides. 

To  be  proof  agin 
flattery,  a  man  must 
hav  no  vanity,  and 
such  a  man  never  ex- 
isted ;  if  he  did,  he 
iz  now  one  ov  the 
lost  arts. 

Hope  haz  made  a 
grate  menny  blun- 
ders, but  thare  iz  one 
thing  about  her  that 
i  alwus  did  like — she 
means  well. 

Sum  people  are 
good  simply  bekauze  they  are  too  lazy  tew  be  wicked,  and 
others,  bekauze  they  hant  got  a  good  chance. 

Thare  iz  one  thing  that  i  am  not  only  certain,  but  proud 
ov — thare  iz  more  people  in  this  world  who  hav  changed  from 
bad  to  good,  than  from  good  to  bad. 

In  munny,  interest  phollows  the  principal ;  in  morals,  prin- 
ciple often  phollows  tLe  interest. 


JOSH  BILLINGS  UNDER  OATH.  o8a 

Yu  will  notis  one  thing — the  devil  selduin  offers  tew  go  into 
partnership  with  a  bizzy  man,  but  yu  will  often  see  him  offer 
tew  jine  the  lazy  man,  and  furnish  all  the  kapital. 

Curiosity  had  twins — one  waz  Invenshun  and  the  other 
waz  Stick  Yure  Noze  Into  Things. 

Love  iz  about  the  only  paslmn  ov  the  heart,  that  i  kan 
think  ov  now,  that  never  makes  enny  mistakes  that  she  kan 
be  held  accountable  for.  If  you  waz  a  going  tew  try  pure 
love  for  a  crime,  what  court  would  yu  take  her  before  ? 

I  look  upon  the  North  Pole  az  one  ov  them  spots,  if  taint 
never  found,  we  shant  be  none  ov  the  wuss  off',  and,  if  it  iz 
found,  we  shant  be  none  ov  the  better  off. 

I  dont  kno,  after  all,  but  it  iz  jist  about  az  well  tew  git  abuv 
yure  bizzness  as  it  iz  tew  hav  yure  bizzness  git  abuv  yu. 

"  In  time  ov  peace  prepare  for  war."  This  iz  the  way  sum 
familys  liv  all  the  time. 

Whenever  yu  hear  a  man  who  alwus  wants  tew  u  bot  hiz 
bottom  dollar,"  yu  kan  make  up  yure  mind  that  that  iz  the 
size  ov  hiz  pile. 

The  devil  iz  the  only  individual  on  reckord  who  iz  sed  not 
tew  possess  a  single  virtew. 

Thare  iz  nothing  that  a  man  will  git  so  sik  ov  az  too  mutch 
mollassis. 

The  vices  which  a  man  kontrakts  in  hiz  youth,  however 
mutch  he  may  shake  them  oph,  will  often  call  on  him  thru 
life,  and  seek  tew  renew  hiz  acquaintance. 

Prudery  iz  often  like  the  chesnutt  burr.  It  seems  az  tho 
it  never  would  open,  but  by  and  by  it  duz,  and  lets  the  fruit 
drop  out. 

Every  man  haz  hiz  phollys,  but  thare  iz  this  difference — 
in  the  poor  man,  they  look  like  crimes,  while,  in  the  ritch 
man,  they  only  appear  tew  be  exsentricitys. 

Old  age  inkreases  us  in  wisdom,  and  also  in  rumatism. 

I  kno  lots  ov  pholks  who  are  pius  jist  bekauze  they  wax 
born  so.  They  kant  tell  when  they  got  religion,  and,  if  they 
should  looze  it,  they  wouldn't  kno  it. 

never  outgro  o'.ir  phollvs — we  only  alter  them. 


386  MISSELLANEOUS. 

Thare  iz  this  difference  between  charity  and  a  gift-  -charity 
cums  from  the  heart ;  a  gift,  from  the  pocket. 

Coquets  are  generally  too  silly  to  be  very  wicked. 

Thare  iz  full  az  menny  pholks  in  this  world  who  hav  bin 
ruined  bi  kindness  az  thare  iz  who  hav  bin  injured  bi  kruelty. 

When  fortune  pipes,  we  must  dance.  It  aint  alwus  that 
she  iz  in  time. 

I  think  the  honesty  ov  men  iz  oftner  the  effekt  ov  policy 
than  principle. 

Thare  iz  only  one  kind  ov  folks  who  kan  keep  a  sekret 
good,  and  they  never  take'enny  tew  keep. 

The  man  who  iz  wicked  enuff  tew  be  dreaded  iz  a  safer 
man  in  community  than  the  one  who  iz  just  virtewous  enufi 
not  to  be  suspekted. 

Flattery  iz  the  wust  kind  of  lieing. 

Hypockrasy  iz  alwus  humble. 

Gravity  don't  prove  enny  thing.  If  a  man  iz  really  wise, 
he  dont  need  it,  and,  if  lie  aint  wize,  he  shouldn't  hav  it. 

It  iz  jist  az  natral  tew  be  born  poor  az  it  iz  tew  be  born 
naked,  and  it  iz  no  more  disgrace. 

Thare  iz  no  excuse  whatever  for  the  insolence  ov  wealth ; 
thare  may  possibly  be  for  the  insolence  ov  poverty. 

Dont  forget  one  thing,  mi  boy — that  when  five  men  kail 
yu  a  suckcess,  and  one  man  kails  yu  a  failure,  that  the  one 
man's  testimony  iz  what  fetches  the 'jury. 

Lazyness  iz  the  fust  law  ov  natur ;  self-prezervashim  iz  the 
seckond. 

Yu  kant  konvert  sinners  bi  preaching  the  gospel  tew  them 
at  haff  price.  Enny  sinner  who  iz  anxious  tew  git  hiz  reli 
gion  in  that  way,  iz  satisfied  with  a  poor  artikle. 


JOSH  AT  NIAGARA  FALLS. 

AFTER  a  series  ov  unsuckcessfnll  wanderings  thru  life,  i 
find  miself  this  day,  December  28th,  1868,  leaning  on 
the  left  arm  ov  mi  lovely  wife,  a  spektator  ov  this  wondrous 


JOSH  AT  NIAGARA  FALLS.  387 

Jugular  vein,  which  pours  the  throbbing  blood  ov  Lake  Erio 
into  the  vitals  ov  Lake  Ontario. 

I  reached  here  at  ten  minutes  past  twelve,  from  the  far 
West,  and  found  the  place  poor  with  visitors,  it  being  the 
center  ov  winter,  and  a  cold  time  for  money. 

For  the  fust  two  hours  i  hung  onto  mi  wife's  arm  az  still 
az  tho  I  had  growed  thare,  and  couldn't  see  ennything  on 
account  ov  the  clamor  the  water  made  ;  but  gradually  i  begin 
tew  take  notes  ov  tilings,  and  broke  out,  at  last,  in  one  ov 
thoze  posthumous  remarks  incidentaJ  tew  the  Billings  family, 
and  which  i  deem  tew  abstruse  tew  be  written  down  here. 
My  wife  turned  pale  at  the  remark,  and  began  tew  fuss  for 
her  kamphor. 

The  grandur,  the  almoste  sublimity  ov  Niagara  Falls  has 
been  deskribed  so  often  and  so  intolerably  well  by  previous 
visitors  who  hav  been  blest  with  a  college  edukashun,  that  it 
would  be  but  petty  larceny  for  me  tew  git  ketched  at  it ;  but 
i  will  say,  az  the  mad  liquor  impetuous  tumbles  bed  fust  into 
the  boiling  kaldron  belo,  and  the  smoke  ov  its  torrent  ascends 
amid  the  roar,  i  tli ought  how  idle  language  waz,  and  how 
lazy  deskription  was,  tew  portray  this  great  idea  ov  the 
Almighty. 

The  fust  thing  i  did  waz  tew  git  at  the  hight  ov  the  Falls, 
which,  i  found  out,  waz  owing  tew  the  distance  the  water  fell, 
the  quantity  ov  the  fluid,  and  the  noise  it  made. 

I  have  lost  the  paper  i  made  the  calculashun  on,  but  it  must 
have  been  at  least  three  thousand  square  feet. 

I  should  think  that  the  fuss  the  water  makes,  in  its  hurry 
to  fall,  could  be  heard  two  hundred  miles;  but  i  didn't  hav 
time  tew  stand  off  that  distance  and  see  if  it  waz  acktually  so. 

I  learned  that  the  Falls  belong  now  tew  the  United  States 
and  Great  Brittain,  about  half-and-half ;  but  i  shouldn't  won 
der  if,  sum  time,  the   United  States  would  own  the  whole 
ov  it. 

Natur  haz  done  the  fair  thing  for  Niagara,  and  man  haa 
not  been  lazy. 

Thare  waz  one  thing  that  happened   tew  me,  while  here, 


388  MISSELLANEOUS. 

that  will  last  me  for  mi  lifetime,  and  wl.en  i  git  through  with 
it  will  do  to  hand  down  tew  mi  posterity's  without  the  dangei 
ov  spiling. 

The  Americans  had  just  finished  a  new  suspension  bridge, 
and  hooked  it  onto  the  Canada  side,  just  belo  the  Falls. 

This  bridge  iz  thirteen  hundred  feet  in  length,  only  twelve 
feet  wide,  and  about  two  hundred  and  fifty  feet  above  the 
water,  and  iz  four  hundred  feet  longer  than  the  rail-road 
bridge,  three  miles  below. 

Thare  had  but  one  carriage  yet  crossed  this  bridge,  and  it 
being  known  that  I  waz  connekted  with  the  New  York  Weekly, 
every  boddy  waz  anxious  that  I  should  go  over. 

I  took  a  seat,  in  an  elegant  turnout,  got  up  for  the  occasion, 
my  wife  by  mi  side,  and  driven  by  Darby  Sherman,  a  noted 
wThip  and  ribbon  handler  ov  the  place,  we  started  slowly 
over. 

We  were  the  second  pair  ov  mortals  who  had  taken  the 
dizzy  ride. 

My  wife  grew  dearer,  and  a  good  deal  nearer  tew  me,  az 
we  progressed,  and  before  we  reached  the  Canada  side,  we 
were  fairly  one  flesh. 

When  we  had  seen  her  magisty's  soil,  and  safely  recrost 
the  flimsy  span  again,  i  am  willing  tew  say  i  had  suffered  all 
the  suspension  bridge  glory  that  i  wanted. 

We  were  welcomed  on  our  return  tew  the  hotel,  with  open 
arms,  and  two  hot  lemonades,  with  a  little  old  rye  lurking  in 
one  ov  them.  . 

I  took  mine  without  enny  wry  face,  and  whispered  tew  my 
soul,  as  the  last  swallow  went  reluctently  down  end  ways, 
"  suspension  bridges  may  be  a  good  risk  tew  take,  but  a  hot 
lemonade  whiskee  iz  better." 

Thare  iz  one  thing  that  Niagara  don't  lack,  whatever  may 
be  her  moral  defaults  in  other  matters,  and  that  iz  profes 
vional  guides. 

Upwards  ov  fifty  different  people  waz  anxious  to  guide  im< 
tew  the  strong  points  ov  the  place. 

One  pale  faced  youth,  more  clamorous  than  the  rest,  with 


JOSH  AT  NIAGAKA  FALLS.  389 

pattent  leather  boots,  which  had  been  new  at  the  bight  of 
the  last  summer  seazon,  but  which  had  bekuni  sea/on  cracked 
and  bulged  severely  at  the  roots  ov  each  bigg  toe,  wan  ted  tew 
guide  me  so  mutch  that  i  finally  told  him  he  might  guide  me 
sum  if  he  would  be  keerful. 

During  the  time  this  innocent  youth  wax  in  mi  com  pan  v 
he  told  me  more  than  275  original  and  deeply  interesting 
lies. 

He  showed  me  whare  Jim  Buchanan  killed  the  grate  injun 
warrier,  Tecumser,  in  a  hand  to-hand  scuffle,  which  lasted 
three  hours  and  seven  minnits,  during  which  time  hi/  own 
grand  father  held  the  watch,  and  he  pointed  out  '.he  tree  that 
Major  Andree  wa/  hung  on,  and  showed  me  the  identical 
house  in  the  distance  whare  Robert  Burnes  wrote  the  immor- 
tal ode  tew  hiz  Highland  Mary,  and  also  the  private  residence, 
(and  banking  house)  ov  the  Hon.  John  Morrisey,  and  probably 
would  have  shown  me  the  Plymouth  rock,  whare  our  fore- 
fathers landed,  if  I  had  asked  him  to  do  it. 

But  wrhen  i  told  him  that  John  Morrisey  had  been  dead 
more  than  fifteen  years,  he  diskovered  that  i  wan't  so  irreen. 

v 

He  also  offered  tew  sell  me,  for  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents, 
a  lock  of  auburn  hair,  from  the  young  lady's  head  who  past, 
last  spring,  in  high  water,  safely  over  the  falls,  seated  on  the 
round  side  ov  a  hemlock  slab,  playing  "  A  life  on  the  ocean 
wave  "  on  a  base  vial. 

After  the  young  man  had  guided  me  for  one  hour  and  a 
quarter,  i  paid  him  ten  cents  and  dismisst  him. 

He  looked  at  me,  and  then  at  the  size  ov  thy  money,  az 
tho  he  thought  we  possibly  might  be  twins. 

I  told  him  that  thare  waz  one  thing  that  the  Billings  family 
waz  a  leetle  partickular  about,  and  that  waz,  in  making  tho 
right  change  to  a  ded  beat. 

Niagara  is  also  fraught  with  most  ov  the  rare  curiositys 
thare  iz  now  on  the  face  ov  the  earth,  every  boddy  haz  got 
Borne  miracle  tew  sell  for  two  dollars  and  fifty  cent*. 

Yu  kan  git  charms  for  a  watch  kee  whirled  out  ov  a  rock 
that  weighed  sixty  ton,  and  which  fell  four  thousand  feet,  on 


390  MISSELLANEOUS. 

the  thirteenth  ov  last  June,  from  table  rock  and  waz  picked 
up  by  a  little  boy  at  the  water's  edge,  who  waz  fishing  fof 
pickled  crabs. 

It  iz  but  a  step,  i  hav  been  informed,  from  the  sublime  te\* 
the  ridikilus,  and  mennyov  the  residents  at  Niagara  are  famil- 
iar with  the  step. 

I  kant  think  ov  enny  thing  more  intrinsically  burlesque 
than  tew  be  standing  in  the  presence  ov  one  ov  the  most 
imposing  revelations  of  Nature  on  this  footstool,  and  while 
rapt  in  fear  and  adniirashun,  and  chastened  az  it  were  by  die- 
God  ov  Nature,  tew  hav  a  peddling  imp  ov  humanity  sacri- 
legisly  disturb  yure  adorashun  by  thrusting  in  yure  face  a  paL 
try  piece  ov  petrified  deadbeatery,  and  with  all  the  nonchalence 
and  impudence  ov  a  cold  buckwheat  slapjack  ask  yu  two  dol- 
lars and  fifty  cents  for  what  iz  wuss  than  offal. 

In  olden  times  the  brokers  and  dove  pedlars  were  hustled 
out  ov  the  temple  ov  God,  and  it  would  be  medicine  tew  me 
to  see  this  great  temple,  made  without  hands,  cleaned  ov  the 
two  dollar  and  fifty  cent  vermin  that  infest  it. 


SUM  VERY  BLANK  VERSE— THE  XEGRO  AND  THE  TROUT. 

Beneath  the  shelvy  hank  ov  meddo  brook, 

Expektant  lays  the  spekeld  trout. 

April  showers,  with  blood  from 

Genial  skize,  hav  wanned  the  streamlet'* 

Veins,  and  dancing  on  its  buzzum 

Gums  sunlite  and  shaddo 

Hand  in  hand. 

Just  here  the  verdant  willow  bends, 

To  lave  its  tapring  fingers 

In  the  kristal  flood, 

And  fragrant  spearmint  scents  the 

Creeping  wind. 

Close  by,  upon  the  alders  highest  limb 

Swaying,  the  blackbird  sits, 

With  mello  tlmit  full  ov  April  songs, 

Responsiv  tew  the  sadder  not«3 


THE  NEGRO  AND  THE  TROUT.          391 

Of  Robin  red  breast  from  yonder  maple, 

While  sollum  az  phuneral  cortege 

The  dusky  crow  beats  his  wing 

Against  the  swimming  ski. 

'Tis  Spring!  or  from  the  brooklet's 

Grassy  bank  the  violets  would  not 

Be  stareing  with  their  eyes  ov 

Gentle  blue,  nor  in  the  smoky  air 

Would  indistinkt  be  heard 

The  thousand  echo's  waking, 

Huff  dreaming,  from  their  frozen  sleep. 

Sweet  time  !  the  yung  year  innocent. 

Gentle  Spring  !  in  undress, 

Unconscious  ov  her  buty,  spreds 

Her  golden  tresses  to  the  wanton  wind, 

While  buds  and  blossoms  early 

Welkura  the  lovely  goddess  to 

This  throne  of  hers, 

And  reddy  stand,  with  harps  soft  ^trvng, 

With  dreamy  rnusik, 

Sweet  time !  ov  all  the  varied  year, 

Most  charming  and  oftnest  sung. 

*  *  *  *  •  « 

Akross  the  meddo, 

Whissling  a  lively  catch, 

Just  az  the  morning  sun 

Looks  o'er  the  nabring  hill, 

Gums  Afriks  old  and  well-tanned  son. 

Old  time  haz  bill  upon  this  darkey's 

Hed  a  nest  ov  grizzly  hair  hard-twist«d, 

And  shrunk  hiz  parchment  skin 

Cluss  fitting  tew  hiz  bones. 

A  fox  skin  cap,  innocent  ov  fur, 

Hiz  lied  engulphs, 

And  well  filled  with  holes, 

To  let  the  water  out  that  enters  in; 

One  boot  he  wears,  oddly  mated 

With  a  shoe  ov  anshunt  daze. 

From  thrnt  to  waist  wide  yawns 

Hiz  coarse  and  starchless  shirt, 

And  over  all,  loose  and  ragged 

Whips  the  wind,  what  once  waa 

Master's  Sunday  koat. 

Nearer  az  he  cums,  and  ketchei 

With  his  well  sped  ear  the 

Streamlet's  morning  son,  hiz 


392 


MISCELLANEOUS. 

Whissell  stops,  and  creeps  this 

Olden  darkey,  with  muffled  tread, 

Still  nearer,  where  swiftly  runs 

The  pearly  waters,  to  hide 

Beneath  the  shelvy  bank. 

The  friendly  willo,  tho  yung  with  leay«e, 

Between  the  early  sun  and  dansing 

Waters,  spreads  a  quivi  ing  shade, 

Cluss  thare  old  Ishmahel  stands. 

Soon  to  \\\7.  pole  ov  alder  wood, 

(Almost  the  pole  a/  old  az  Ishmels  self,) 

He  ties  the  horso  hair  line, 

(Himself  did  \vc-avi-),  and  feeling 

With  hiz  old  fingers  crisp  the 

Barbed  hooks  point,  sure  to  be 

That  dullness  waz  not  sleeping  thare, 

He  takes  (oh  !  nauty  Ishniel !) 

From  out  a  quaint  old  bottle, 

That  hold  perhaps  a  pint, 


He  takes — a  drink, 

Smackin  his  lips,  and  "bressing  God? 

la  mcnny  a  looped  and  squirming 


1JAXDY  AND  THE  THIMBLE-KIUOKK  '193 

Knott  he  hangs  the  hook  about, 

With  fresh  and  tempting  worms. 

One  step  nearer — still  one  more- 
Then  waving  in  the  air  aloft 

The  floxile  line,  and  light, 

With  hand  unerring,  the  pole 

Obedient  drop^  the  struggling 

Worm  just  in  ihc  current's  mouth, 

Whare  the  water  fust  begins  its  race. 

Oh  !  art  exquisitt !     Oh  !  bliss  extatic !— - 

(None  but  the  Ishmahels  hav  lernt 

This  art,  or  this  bliss  felt.) 

Down  the  brook's  swift  thrut  swims 

The  giddy  worm,  a  fatal  journey, 
For  darting,  az  a  streak  ov  silvry  light 

From  sentinal  pl.ioc,  the 

Spekled  gourmand  burys  in  hiz  maw 

The  barbed  deceit. 

Now  who  kan  toll,  with  words  enuff, 

The  thrill  that  follows  ? 

I  kaiit ! 

But  stranger  look  !  upon  the  grassy 

Bank,  dancing  in  deth,  and  see  u 

Two  pound  trout,  game  and  butiful 

To  the  last. 

All  day,  shaddo  like.  Old  Ishmahel 

Steals  up  and  down  the  stream, 

And  when  the  sun  lii/.  daily  rase 

Haz  well  ni  run, 

With  basket  full,  and  bottle  empty, 

Dark  Old  fchmahel,  prowder 

Than  a  king,  goes  whissling  back 

The  wav  he  cum. 


THE  DANDY  AND  THE  THIMBLE  KIGGER. 

A  FTER  natur  had  finished  the  fust  man  aiuMhe  fust  woman, 
-£jL  she  had  a  little  material  left  at  the  bottom  ov  her  cups, 
and  not  willing  tew  waste  ennything,  she  mixt  the  two  rem- 
nants together,  more  for  a  frolick  than  ennything  else,  just 
to  see  what  the  compound  would  produce. 


MlSSfcLLAJffcOUS. 

Throwing  the  mixture  onto  the  dicing 'coals,  in  a  few  min« 
nitts  n  halt-baked,  comikal  creature  lay  smirking,  and  mincing, 
before  her. 

This  iz  the  way  that  the  fust  dandy  waz  made,  and,  with  a 
boquet  in  one  hand  and  a  looking-glass  in  the  other,  Dame 
Mature  turned  him  loose  into  the  world,  to  root. 

The  construckshun  ov  this  creature  of  remnants  iz  peculiar. 

A  dissection  ov  a  dandy,  in  the  thirteenth  century,  revealed 
the  fakt  that  hiz  heart  resembled  a  pin  cushion,  having  no 
cells,  the  interior  ov  it  being  filled  with  cotton  batting  and  saw- 
dust, and  stuck  awl  over  the  outside  with  rosettes,  and  dead 
butterflys,  with  pins  through  them. 

Hiz  head  waz  divided  into  innumerable  little  stalls,  in  each 
ov  which  waz  deposited,  in  solution,  a  very  small  quantity  ov 
brains,  which  ackted  independent  ov  each  other. 

One  stall  waz  devoted  to  kid  gloves  az  a  science,  another  to 
tight  boots,  and  a  third  to  colone  water. 

All  hiz  thoughts  and  affeckshuns  are  divided  between  the 
fit  ov  hiz  clothes  and  the  admirashun  ov  them. 

Hiz  ideas  never  grasp  ennything  stronger  than  Phalon's 
last  sensashun  in  perfumery ;  his  whole  emotional  natur  finds 
its  nourishment  and  counterpart  in  a  plate  ov  the  last  Paris 
fashions,  hung  up  in  a  taylor's  window. 

The  genuine  dandy — one  who  knows  hiz  bizzness — never 
falls  in  love  with  ennything  but  hiz  looking-glass ;  hiz  strong- 
est pashun  iz  admirashun  ;  he  kant  reach  the  dignity  ov  love. 

To  love,  requires  both  brains  and  a  soul ;  and  a  dandy  in 
love  would  be  az  whimsikal  a  sight  az  a  butterfly  kneeling  at 
the  feet  ov  a  tulip. 

Your  real  dandy  iz  a  long-lived  bird  ;  hiz  pashions  are 
•weak,  but  regular,  and  like  a  watch,  the  works  and  the  case 
wear  out  together. 

He  grows  old  like  a  boquet,  and  is  brisk,  and  in  humor-to 
the  last. 

Dandys  hav  no  courage  ;  their  pashuns  are  a  mixtur  ov 
weak  and  delikate  things ;  they  kant  insult,  nor  be  insulted  ; 
they  are  rabbits  among  men,  and  among  wimmin,  not  bold 
enuff  tew  be  feared,  nor  useless  enuff  to  be  dispized. 


THi:  DANDY  AND  THE  THIMBLE-UHHJKR.          -°»95 

Thare  iz  not  one  single  trait  in  their  charakter,  that  J  kan 
think  ov  now,  highly  commendible  ;  they  are  selfish  (and  have 
a  right  to  be),  bekauze  they  haint  got  enny thing  to  spare; 
their  ambishun  haz  no  more  glory  in  it  than  a  scent  bag. 

Reverence  implys  faith,  and  a  dandy  haz  no  faith,  but  in 
the  taste  ov  hiz  hairdresser,  or  taylor  ;  meekness  implys  hope, 
but  hope  in  them,  iz  nothing  but  emasculated  impudence. 

But  while  theze  useless  creatures  lack  the  virtews  ov  life, 
they  are  seldum,  or  never,  gilty  ov  enny  fust  class  vices,  they 
go  through  life  heedless  ov  awl  that  iz  very  good,  or  very 
bad,  and  when  they  git  reddy  to  die,  it  iz  ov  az  little  impor- 
tance tew  the  world,  az  the  loss  ov  a  cosmetick  receipt,  or  a 
clever  twist  in  a  yeller  neck-tie. 

Your  genuine  dandy  seldum  unites,  he  courts,  az  the  hum- 
ming burd  duz  among  the  flowers,  for  honey,  not  a  wife,  and 
thinks  that  hiz  attacks  are  awl  conquests,  but  no  sensible  wo- 
man would  marry  him,  enny  quicker,  than  she  would  know- 
ingly take  counterfit  money  in  change. 

This  world  will  never  be  rid  ov  the  dandy,  there  ix  so  many 
pincushion  hearts,  and  heads  not  made  for  brains,  thare  iz  so 
much  vanity  that  iz  amply  pleazed  with  a  dog's  head  on  a 
bamboo  cane,  thare  iz  so  mutch  kindness  in  looking  glasses, 
thare  is  so  mutch  fragrance  in  the  extrackts  ov  Lubin,  thare 
iz  sich  a  glory  in  being  a  pin  feather  king,  for  an  evening, 
among  silly  hearts,  that  young  dandys  will  keep  being  born, 
and  old  dandys  will  frisk,  in  spite  of  their  gout,  or  enny  bodys 
philosophy. 

Thirnblerig  iz  a  game  az  old  az  Methuselah. 

It  is  played  on  the  knees  ov  a  young,  and  hawk-eyed,  and 
very  polished  gentleman,  with  a  shiny  black  hat  on  hiz  head, 
encircled  with  a  band  ov  crape,  az  a  mourning  badge,  for  hiz 
late  lamented  father — or,  "enny  other  man." 

The  young  gentleman  wears  aflame-colored  necktie,  striped 
with  orange,  and  held  with  a  gilt  slide,  and  a  calitbrny  cluster 
on  hiz  finger,  az  copious,  az  a  gill  ov  beans.  The  game  iz 
conducted  with  three  thimbles,  a  pellet  ov  fur,  or  wool,  az 
big  az  a  grape  seed,  and  iz  sed  tew  be  under  one  ov  the  thin* 


396  MtSSELLAKfcOt/S. 

hies,  but  after  yu  bet,  and  the  thimble  iz  raized,  it  dont  seem 
to  be  in  variably  thar. 

This  pellet  iz  liumorsly  called  the  "little  joker,"  and  iz 
earlessly  shown  to  you,  az  it  appears  to  slide  under  cover  ov 
one  ov  the  thimbles,  but  in  fakt,  slips  under  the  cultivated 
finger  nail  ov  the  gentlemanly  rigger. 

This  iz  only  one  ov  the  thousand  modes  ov  gambling,  but 
probably  the  most  niggerlike  ov  enny  ov  them. 

If  I  had  a  son  who  was  a  thimblerigger  by  perswashun, 
and  could  not  be  converted  from  the  low,  and  villainous  game 
enny  other  way,  I  would  pray  tew  hav  him  hit  hard  with 
lightning,  and  then  go  into  suitable  mourning  afterwards. 

Gambling  iz  a  vice,  az  natural  to  man,  az  the  love  ov  gain, 
it  iz  the  pashun  ov  the  civilized,  and  uncivilized,  the  Hindoo, 
and  the  Saxon,  the  nigger,  and  the  congressman. 

It  iz  az  old  az  history,  and  as  demoralizing  az  enny  profli 
gasy,  that  haz  yet  bin  invented. 

Rum  and  dice,  are  the  two  grate  levellers,  they  bring  the 
judge  down  tew  the  grade  ov  the  loafer,  and  pluck  out  by  the 
roots  the  tail  feathers  ov  aristocracy. 

They  corrupt  the  warmest  heart,  chill  the  most  ardent 
ambishun,  wither  the  brightest  hopes,  and  brutalize  the  ten- 
derest  pashions. 

All  that  gamble  may  not  reach  the  lowest  depths  ov  its 
degradashun,  but  they  are  on  the  right  road. 

Total  abstinence  iz  the  only  cure  for  gambling,  alteratives 
wont  answer. 

One  ov  the  wust  feeters  ov  this  disseaze  iz,  that  it  iz  like  the 
small  pox,  if  the  patient  recovers  hiz  health,  he  kant  never 
git  rid  ov  the  skars ;  a  man  may  ceaze  to  be  a  gambler,  but 
once  a  gambler,  the  cursed  pashion  whines  around  him,  like 
a  ghost  around  the  buried. 


LONG  BRANCH  IN  SLICES. 

LONG  Branch  iz  the  eastern  terminus  ov  sum  real  estate 
on  the  west  side  ov  the  Atlantik  Oshun,  and  iz  lokated 
cluss  down  to  the  edge  ov  the  water. 


LONH  BRANCH  IN  SLICES. 


391 


The  populashnn  iz  homo  genus,  woman  genus,  girl  and  boy 
genus,  yung  one  genus,  and  divers  other  kind  ov  genus. 

The  divers  genus  are  sum  plenty.     They  go  into  the  Atlan 
tik  Oshun,  hand  in  hand,   man  and  wife,  phellow  and  gall, 
stranger  and   strangeresses,  drest  in  flowing  robes,  and  cum 
out  by-and-by  like  statuary  in  a  tite  fit. 

The  Atlantik  Oshun  iz  a  grate  success.     The  author  and 
proprietor  ov  it  never  makes  enny  blunders. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  morality  here  at  Long  Branch* 


JOSH  BILLINGS   BATHING    AT   LONG    BRANCH. 

Thare  iz  sum  isolated  cases  ov  iniquity,  and  a  clever  sprink- 
ling of  innocent  deviltry. 

1  am  pleased  to  state  that  the  iniquity  iz  principally  in  fust 
hands,  and  finds  but  few  takers. 

The  fluid  ov  the  Atlantik  Oshun  iz  psalt,  and  haz  bin  so  for 
more  than  three  hundred  years  to  my  knowledge.  I  state 
this  as  a  stubborn  fakt,  and  the  "  oldest  inhabitant"  may  help 
himself  if  he  can. 

The  ockashun  ov  this  psaHness  has  bothered  the  clergy  foi 


393  MISSELLANEOUS. 

years.  Sum  ov  them  say  that  large  lumps  ov  psalt  waz  de- 
posited in  the  oshun,  at  an  early  day,  bi  the  injuns,  for  safe 
keeping,  and  sum  say  that  the  grate  number  ov  kodfish  and 
7i umber  2  makrel  that  travel  in  its  waters  haz  flavoured  the 
oshun. 

I  endorse  the  kodfish  and  makrel  job,  not  bekauze  i  think 
:t  iz  true,  but  bekauze  i  think  it  iz  the  weakest,  and  i  hav 
alwus  bin  in  the  habit  ov  standing  up  for  the  weak  and  op- 
pressed. 

Flirtashuns  are  thick  here,  but  principally  occur  amung 
thoze  who  hav  wore  the  conjugal  yoke  until  their  necks  hav 
begun  to  git  galled. 

Theze  flirtashuns  are  looked  upon  az  entirely  innocent,  and 
are  called  "  recruiting" 

They  are  konsidered  by  sum  (who  call  themselves  good 
judges)  more  Itraceing  than  the  sea-airing. 

Millionaires  are  numerous,  besides  others  who  put  on  a 
millyuu  ov  airs  more  or  less. 

oS^ow  r;id  then  yu  will  see  a  forrin  snob  just  over  from  the 
other  side  ov  the  Atlantik  Oshun.  They  wear  long  shirt-col- 
lars, turned  down,  and  short  nozes  turned  up. 

The  landlord  tells  me,  they  hav  all  paid  their  bills  thus  far, 
and  he  sez,  the  last  thing  he  duz  at  nite,  before  he  goes  tew 
sleep,  iz  tew  pray — they  will  kontinue  on  to  do  so. 

The  prayers  ov  the  righteous  are  sed  tew  be  heavy,  and 
•weigh  well,  and  the  landlord  being  ov  a  righteous  turn  ov 
mind,  5  think  he  will  win. 

The  Continental  Hotel  iz  the  principal  one  here,  and  iz  in- 
fested, just  now,  by  eight  hundred  and  fifty  innocent  crea~ 
:ures,  who  eat  3  meals  per  day. 

The  f  email  portion  ov  these  dear  innocent  creatures,  rool  up 
their  sleeves,  and  go  dov/n  once  a  day,  to  the  keel  ov  their 
trunk,  and  drag  out  bi  the  nap  ov  the  nek  sum  clothes,  that 
would  make  the  Queen  ov  Sheeba  sorry  that  she  hadn't  post- 
poned living  untill  Long  Branch  had  bin  invented,  so  that 
she  could  hav  got  the  style. 

I  advice  all  ov  mi  friends  to  come  to  the  Continental  Hotel, 
and  brin»-  their  best  clothe?  with  them. 


1.0XG  BRANCH  LN  SLICES.  398 

Long  Branch  baz  menny  things  to  interest  the  schollar,  and 
the  philanthropist,  among  which  iz  the  race  course,  just  bilt 

I  attended  this  race-course  lately,  and  taw  binu  very  good 
rotai'v  movements  on  it. 

I  didn't  bet,  bekaze  i  hav  ahvus  been  principled  aginst  lose- 
ing  enny  money. 

I  ihink  i  could  win  enny  quantity  ov  money,  and  not  spile 
mi  morality,  but  the  loss  ov  a  fu  dollars,  would  git  mi  virtew 
out  ov  repair  for  ages. 

Long  Branch  iz  also  the  home  ov  the  miscelaneous  crab, 
and  the  world-renowned  musket* >. 

The  crab  iz  kaught  in  endless  confusion  at  Plezzure  Bay, 
cluss  bi  Long  Branch. 

He  iz  kaught  bi  tieing  a  hard  knot  on  the  other  end  ov  a 
string,  and  then  dropping  the  string  down  in  the  water,  and 
tickling  the  bottom  ov  hiz  feet  with  the  knot,  in  this  way, 
sumtimes  he  iz  kaught,  and  sumtimes  he  iz  knot. 

The  musketo  iz  az  natral  to  Xu  Jerseeaz  Jersee  liteninff  iz. 

O 

The  musketo  iz  a  marvelous  kuss,  but  whi  he  ever  waz 
allowed  tew  take  out  hiz  papers,  and  travel,  iz  unknown  to 
me,  or  enny  ov  mi  near  relaslmns. 

If  he  haz  enny  destiny  tew  till,  it  must  be  his  stummuk, 
for  he  iz  the  biggest  bore,  ackording  tew  the  size  ov  hiz  gimb- 
let,  i  hav  ever  met  seldom.  It  dont  look  well  for  a  philoso- 
pher tew  be  fracktious  at  enny  thing,  not  even  a  bugg,  but  if 
enny  boddy  ever  hears  me  swear  (out  loud)  he  may  know  tharo 
haz  bin  a  kussid  musketeer  on  mi  premises. 

I  cum  tew  Long  Branch  (in  company  with  mi  wife)  at  the 
opening  ov  the  season,  and  put  up  at  the  Continental  Hotel, 
and  intend  now  to  keep  putting  up  thare,  untill  the  house 
shuts  up,  if  i  hav  tew  klimb  the  Hag-staff  to  do  it. 

Every  boddy  who  puts  up  at  this  hotel,  iz  allowed  tew  put 
up  regular,  once  a  week,  for  hiz  board,  and  promisku.-s  tl  ings. 

Thare  iz  a  blessed  privilege,  which  sum  folks  kart  never 
enjoy,  nntill  they  are  deprived  ov  it. 

It  will  then  be  forever  too  late. 

I  am  one  ov  them  cunning  kritters,   who^  when  they  fii  J 


400  MISCELLANEOUS. 

a  good  hotel,  a  225  pound  landlord,  and  polite  officials,  dwell 
with  them  heavily. 

I  hav  sed  before  (in  writing  about  hotels)  that  almost  enny 
boddy  thinks  they  know  how  tew  keep  a  hotel  (and  they  da 
kn&ui  how)  but  this  ackounts  for  the  grate  number  ov  kussid 
poor  hotels,  all  over  the  country. 


BILLIARDS. 

EVETiYBODDY  seems  tew  be  gitting  crazy  over  a  new 
game,  which  haz  jist  bin  diskovered,  called  billvards. 

It  iz  played  on  the  top  ov  a  tabel  which  iz  a  little  longer 
than  it  iz  square,  and  the  game  seems  tew  konsist  in  pushing 
sum  round  red  bawls  agin  sum  round  white  bawls,  until  they 
drop  into  sum  little  pudding  bags  which  are  hung  unto  the 
outside  ov  the  tabel. 

It  takes  2  men  tew  play  the  game,  but  4  or  5  can  look  on. 

They  take  oph  their  coats,  and  stand  clus  up  to  the  tabel, 
with  a  short  piece  ov  a  fishpole  in  their  hands,  which  has  a 
chalk  mark  onto  the  end  ov  it. 

Then  one  begins,  by  giving  one  ov  the  bawls  a  punch  in 
the  belly,  which  sends  it  agin  the  next  one's  belly,  and  so  on, 
till  the  other  fellows  turn  fur  punching  comes  on. 

But  yu  ought  tew  see  the  gaine;itkant  be  delineated  bi 
words. 

One  feller  generally  beats  the  other  feller,  and  then  he 
pays  the  landlord  ov  theeonsarn  23  cents  fur  the  privilege  ov 
gitting  beat,  and  buys  sum  gin,  with  lemonade  in  it,  and  aul 
hands  drink. 

Then  2  more  takes  holt  ov  the  fishpoles,  and  they  punch 
fur  a  spell,  and  so  it  goes  on  till  2  o'clock  in  the  morning; 
then  each  goes  hum,  having  enjoyed  fine  exercise,  a  little 
drunk  perhaps  ;  but  the  muscles  in  their  breast  are  so  expanded 
that  they  can't  ketch  the  consumption  nor  the  smaul  pox 

Thin  iz  bill  yards, 


HABITS  OF  GRATE  MEN. 

HABITS  OF  GRATE  MEX. 


401 


HABITS  are  like  korns  on  the  little  toze,  the  result  ov  tite 
boots. 

Habits  are  likewize  the  krooks  in  an  ordinary  dorr's  talc 
natral  az  life,  but  selduni  useful,  or  ornamental. 

George  Washington  Crab,  Esq.,  the  wonderful  astromenor 
ov  the  4th  century,  alwus  took  hiz  observashuns  ov  the  suns 
perigammut  on  one  bended  knee,  with  hiz  eve  tooth  buried 
to  the  kore  in  a  sour  apple,  and  hiz  left  shin-bone  bandaged, 
with  a  solution  ov  sheet  iron. 

In  this  way  he  discovered  cansir,  one  ov  the  signs  of  the 
zodiac,  and  it  haz  ever 
since   bore  his  name 
in  English. 

George  also  wore 
an  uprite  collar,  about 
one  foot  in  upriteness 
and  alwus  used  kats 
intestines,  for  shew 
strings. 

He  waz  a  grate 
man,  and  had  sum 
habits. 

He  died  in  due 
time. 

And  haint  bin  seen 
since. 

His  widdow    waz 
inconsolable     for    a 
large   amount.      Iliz 
widdow  iz    also   no  more  now,  she  coiled    oph    this  mortal 
shuffle  in  good  shape,  at  the  reasonable  age  of  8(5. 

If  her  aktual  ashes  are  still  extant,  i  say  boldly,  "peace  tew 
her  ashes." 

If  her  ashes  kant  be   found,  i  am  willing  to  be  one  ov 
ten  to  make  enny  other  arrangements  that  will  pay. 
26$ 


HABITS    OF    GRATE    MEN. 


402  MISSELLANEOUS. 

Rev.  Moses  Bickerstaff  wrote  those  famous  sermons  ov 
that  shook  the  moral  firmament  from  dan  to  bersheebe,  upon 
the  head  ov  a  flower  barrel,  with  a  bony  pen  made  from  the 
dorsal  feather  finis  ov  an  untamed  osstrich. 

He  used  ink  made  from  an  extrakt  ov  mid-nite,  combined 
with  the  perspiration  ov  a  confirmed  Ethiopian. 

He  also  kultivated  the  arnbishun  ov  hiz  little  finger  nail 
which  grew  to  bee  about  8  feet  in  longevity. 

He  had  a  wayov  leering  with  hiz  left  eye,  when  he  preach- 
ed, which  history  sez  was  cussid  good. 

Bickerstaff  haz  had  a  hoste  ov  immitators,  but  they  are  like 
the  millers  who  fly  at  a  kandle,  he  cooks  them  all. 

Bickerstaif  wore  hiz  hat  without  enny  brim  to  it,  nor  enny 
crown,  and  alwus  put  on  hiz  left  boot  last.  He,  like  all  thoze 
who  lived  before  the  flood,  iz  now  deperted  to  deth,  but  hiz 
way  ov  doing  things  (on  the  hed  ova  flower  barrell),  tho  often 
tried  on,  haz  never  bin  badly  beat  yet. 

Doktor  Henry  Magnum,  M.  D.,  waz  a  doktor. 

He  waz  rather  a  weak  sister,  and  alwus  rode  sideways  on  a 
side-saddle. 

He  had  one  strong  point,  he  never  giv  up  a  pashunt  until 
he  waz  plumb  ded. 

His  exsentricitys  waz  theze. 

He  alwus  used  a  wodden  spoon,  made  out  ov  wood. 

When  he  eat,  hiz  mouth  always  flu  open,  to  the  crook  ov 
hiz  elbo. 

He  never  et  enney  mollassis  during  hiz  sweet  life. 

He  made  all  ov  hiz  pills  down  cellar. 

He  iz  sed  to  hav  had,  during  his  life,  a  thousand  stujents 
ov  medisin,  but  history  sez,  they  didn't  enny  ov  them  equal 
Magnum,  only  in  hiz  odditys. 

Docktor  Magnum  worked  in  physick  about  46  years  after 
the  landing  ov  the  pilgrims,  on  Mount  Arryrat,  and  i  presume 
iz  now  fully  dead,  and  gone,  or  too  old  for  a  full  days  work. 

He  wrote  a  book  on  rats  (az  a  dire  necessity)  which  waz  a 
standard  work  for  menny  generashun  ov  rats. 

This  book  waz  translated  into  Hindoo,  and  thus  waz  lost, 
by  being  burnt  with  a  widdcr,  in  a  phunerai  scraps, 


JOSH  BILLINGS  INSURES  IIIS  LIFE.  403 

Ebenezer  Smile  wax  probably  one  ov  the  most  tallentexl 
excentricks  that  ever  smiled. 

He  waz  a  landlord  on  the  Himmelay  mountains,  and  waz 
the  author  ov  Gin. 

Ten  thousand  phunny  things  ov  his  hav  bin  handed  down, 
and  all  lost. 

The  most  truly  wonderful  odd  awkwardness  ov  all  hiz  pe- 
culiarness  waz  hiz  wav  ov  smilin^. 

"  O 

He  could  smile  and  drink  a  gin  cocktale  at  oust,  and  the 
same  time. 

This  natrality  ov  hiz  haz  bin  immitated  so  mutch  since, 
that  the  original  idee  iz  all  wore  out. 

He  haz  had  several  immitators  who  hav  outsmiled  their 
daddy. 

History  sez,  he  could  smile  a  pint  ov  gin  a  day,  without 
enny  water  in  it. 

But  a  pint  ov  gin,  now  days,  would  hardly  raize  a  smile  ov 
contempt. 

Ebenezer  Smile  was  a  bachelor,  and  history  sez.  his  father 
waz  also  one  before  him. 

This  oddness  haz  also  its  immitators. 

Ebenezer  died  with  a  smile  on  his  countenance,  or  just  after 
one. 


I  hav  cum  tew  the  konklusion  that  the excentricitys  ov  grate 
men  iz  the  work  ov  art,  and  is  mistaken  bi  the  owners  ov  it 
for  natnr,  and  haz  made  more  phools,  (bi  thoze  who  hav  im- 
mitated them,)  than  the  Lord  ever  haz. 

Ebenezer  Smile  waz  a  kussid  poor  original  enny  how. 

Ebenezer  haz  vakated  life,  but  he  haz  left  a  bitter  smile  be 
hind  him. 

Oh !  the  sarkasm,  in  the  smile  ov  a  gin  koktale. 


JOSH  BILLINGS  INSURES  HIS  LIFE. 

IKUM  to  the  conclusion,  lately,  that  life  waz  so  onsartin, 
that  the  only  wa  for  me  tu  stand  a  fair  chance  with  other 
folks,  was  to  git  my  life  insured,  and  so  i  kalled  on  the  Agent 


404  MISCELLANEOUS. 

of  the  "  Garden  Angel  life  insurance  Co.,"  and  answered  the 
following  questions,  which  waz  put  tu  me  over  the  top  ov  a 
pair  of  goold  specks,  by  a  slik  little  fat  old  feller,  with  a  little 
round  gray  head,  az  pretty  az  enny  man  ever  owned: — 

QUESTIONS. 

1st — Are  yu  mail  or  femail  ?  if  so,  Pleze  state  how  long  you 
have  been  so. 

2d — Are  yu  subjec  tu  fits,  and  if  so,  do  yu  hav  more  than 
one  at  a  time  ? 

3d — What  is  yure  precise  fiteing  weight  ? 

4th — Did  yu  ever  have  enny  ancestors,  and  if  so,  how 
much  ? 

5th — What  iz  yure  legal  opinion  ov  the  constitutionality  ov 
the  10  commandments. 

6th — Du  yu  ever  hav  enny  nite  mares  ? 

7th — Are  you  married  and  single,  or  are  yu  a  Bachelor  ? 

8th — Do  yu  beleave  in  a  futer  state  ?  if  yu  du,  state  it. 

9th — What  are  yure  private  sentiments  about  a  rush  ov 
rats  tu  the  head ;  can  it  be  did  successfully  ? 

10th — Hav  yu  ever  committed  suiside,  and  if  so,  how  did 
it  seem  to  affect  yu  ? 

After  answering  the  above  questions,  like  a  man  in  the  con- 
firmatif,  the  slik  little  fat  old  fellow  with  goold  specks  on, 
ced  i  was  insured  for  life,  and  probably  would  remain  so  for 
a  term  ov  years.  I  thanked  him,  and  smiled  one  ov  my  most 
pensive  smiles. 


HOW  TEW  PICK  OUT  A  GOOD  HOSS. 

First. — Let  the  color  be  a  sorrel,  a  roan,  a  red,  a  gray,  a 
white,  a  blak,  a  blue,  a  green,  a  chesnut,  a  brown,  a  dapple, 
a  spotted,  a  cream,  a  buckskin,  or  sum  other  good  color. 

Seckond. — Examin  hiz  ears ;  see  that  he  haz  got  tew  ears, 
and  pound  a  tin  pan  cluss  to  him,  to  find  out  whether  hiz 
hearing  iz  good.  All  hosses  are  duiu.  but  a  deff  and  dimi 
hoss,  are  not  desirable. 


HOW  TEW  PICK  Ol'T  A  GOOD  HOSS. 

Third. — Look  well  to  hiz  eyes  ;  see  that  he  haz  got  a  pupil 
in  hiz  eyes,  and  not  too  large  a  one  neither,  houses  with  too 
large  pupils  in  their  eyes  are  ne<.r-sighted,  and  kant  see  oats, 
and  hav  tew  wear  green  gogles,  and  green  gogles  make  a  hoss 
look  tu  mutch  like 
a  trakt  pedlar. 

Fourth. — Feel 
ov  his  neck  with 
the  inside  ov  yure 
right  hand,  see 
that  the  spinal  col- 
lum  iz  well  fatted, 
and  runs  the 
whole  length  ov 
him  from  fore  to 
aft,  a  hoss  without 
a  good  phatt  spi- 
nal collum  from 
fore  to  aft  aint 
w  o  r  th,  (speaking 
sudden)  aint  worth 
a  well  defined  cuss. 

Five. — Put  yure  THE  HOSS. 

hand  on  hiz  breast,  (this  iz  allowable  in  the  case  ov  a 
quadriped)  see  if  hiz  harte  kan  beat  TO,  squeeze  hiz  foreleggs 
to  see  if  he  iz  well  muscled,  lift  up  hiz  before  feet,  and  see 
if  thare  iz  enny  frogs  in  them,  frogs  keep  a  hosses  feet 
cool,  and  sweet,  just  az  they  do  a  well,  or  a  spring  ov  water. 

Six. — Look  well  tew  hiz  shoes,  see  what  number  he  wears, 
number  8  iz  about  right. 

Seven. — Run  yure  hand  along  the  dividing  ridge  ov  hiz 
boddy,  from  the  top  ov  hiz  withers  to  the  commencement  ov 
his  tail  (or  dorsnl  vertibra)  and  pinch  him  az  yu  go  along  tc 
see  if  he  knows  how  tew  kick. 

Eight. — Look  on  his  hind  legs  for  sum  spavins,  kurbs,  wind- 
galls,  ringbones,  skratches,  quittors,  thrush,  greaseheeli, 
thorough-pins,  spring-halt,  quarter-kracks;  see  if  he  haz  got  a 


4-06  MlrtSELLANEOUS. 

whirl-bone ;  look  for  sum  pin-hips ;  hunt  for  strains  in  till 
back  tendons,  let-downs  and  capped  hocks. 

Nine. — investigate  hiz  teeth,  see  if  he  aint  14  years  old  last 
May,  with  teeth  tiled  down,  and  a  six  year  old  black  mark 
burnt  into  the  top  ov  them,  with  nhot  iron. 

Ten. — Smell  of  hiz  breath  to  see  if  lie  haint  got  sum  glan- 
ders ;  look  just  back  ov  hiz  ears  forsighns  of  pole  evil,  pinch 
him  on  the  top  ov  hiz  withers  for  a  fistula,  and  look  sharp  at 
both  shoulders  for  a  sweeny. 

Eleven. — Hook  him  tew  a  waggon  that  rattles,  drive  him 
np  to  an  Irishman  and  hiz  wheelbarrow,  meet  a  rag  merchant 
with  cow  bells  strung  acrost  the  top  ov  hiz  cart,  let  an  express 
train  pass  him  at  45  miles  to  the  hour,  when  he  iz  swetty 
leave  a  buffalo  robe  over  him  to  keep  oph  the  cold,  ride  him 
with  an  unbrel  highsted,  and  learn  hiz  opinyun  ov  these  things. 

Twelve. — Prospekt  hiz  wind,  sarch  diligently  for  the  heaves, 
ask  if  he  iz  a  roarer,  and  don't  be  afraid  tew  find  out  if  he  iz 
a  whistler. 

Thirteen. — Be  sure  that  he  aint  a  krib-biter,  aint  balky, 
aint  a  weaver,  and  dont  pull  at  the  halter. 

Theze  are  a  few  simple  things  to  be  looked  at  in  buying  a 
goodfamily  hoss,  there  iz  a  grate  menny  other  things  tew  be 
looked  at  (at  yureleizure)  after  you  have  bought  him. 

Good  bosses  are  skarse,  and  good  men,  that  deal  in  enny 
kind  ov  bosses,  are  skarser. 

Ask  a  man  all  about  hiz  wife  and  he  may  tell  yon,  examine 
him  cluss  for  a  Sunday  school  teacher  and  find  him  all  on  the 
square,  send  him  tew  the  New  York  legislature  and  rejoice 
that  money  wont  buy  him,  lend  him  seven  hundred  dollars, 
in  the  highway,  without  witness  or  note,  even  swop  dorgs  with 
him  with  perfekt  impunity,  but  when  yu  buy  a  good  family 
hoss  ov  him.  young,  sound,  and  trew,  watch  the  man  cluss,  and 
make  up  yure  mind  besides  that  you  will  have  tew  ask  the 
Lord  tew  forgive  him. 

"  An  honest  man  iz  the  noblest  work,  ov  God"  this  famus 
saying  waz  written,  in  grate  anguish  ov  heart,  by  the  late 
Alexander  Pope,  just  after  buying  a  good  family  hoss. 


GREAT  AGKIKI'L'ITKAL  IIOSS  TKOTT.  407 

GREAT  AGEIKULTURAL  HOSS-TROTT. 

AT    POEDUNK. 

Oct.  10,  11,  12,  13,  14, 15,  16,  17,  18,  19,  &  20th. 

JOSH    BILLINGS,    REPORTER. 


A  GRIKTJLTTJR  iz  the  mother  ov  provisions ;  she  iz  alsn 
.LA.  the  grandmother. 

If  it  want  for  agricultur,  thare  wouldn't  be  enny  beans,  and 
if  it  want  for  enny  beans,  thare  wouldn't  be  enny  suckertash. 

Agrikultur  waz  fust  diskovered  by  Cain,  and  has  been  dis- 
kovered  since  to  be  an  honest  way  to  get  a  hard  living. 

Pumpkins  owes  aul  her  success  tew  agrikultur,  so  duz  let- 
tis,  and  buk  wheat. 

The  Billingsville  agricultural  society  opened  Oct.  ten,  and 
waz  a  powerful  success. 

The  reciepts  ov  the  Agrikultural  Fair  waz  upwards  ov  $30, 
000  (if  mi  ineinry  serves  me  rite,  and  i  think  she  duz.) 

The  Hon. Virgil  Bickerstaff,  the  next  agrikultural  member 
OT  Congress  from  our  district,  sold  the  agrikultur  pools. 


FUST   DAY. 


A  puss  ov  ten  dollars  was  trotted  for  by  sucking  colts,  that 
had  never  trotted  l>efore  for  munny. 

Thare  waz  thirteen  entries. 

Thare  waz  6Q,000  people  on  the  track  to  witness  the  rase, 
(if  mi  memry  serves  me  rite,  and  i  think  she  duz.) 

The  puss  was  won  amid  vociferous  exclamashuns  by  a  red 
colt,  and  the  waving  ov  handkerchiefs,  with  a  strip  in  his  face, 
and  the  fainting  ov  several  fust-class  females,  and  one  white 
foot  behind. 

SEKOND   DAY. 

It  rained  like  aperpendikular  aul  day,  and  no  trotting  could 
be  had,  so  the  audience  aul  went  hum,  cussing  and  swaring, 
and  offering  tew  bet  four  tew  six  on  the  Pete  Tucker  colt. 


408  MISSELLANEOUS. 

THIRD    DAY. 

The  sun  liighsted  up  in  the  east  more  butyfuller  than  I 
ever  saw  her  before,  (if  mi  memry  serves  me  rite,  and  i  think 
she  does.) 

It  \vaz  a  fust  rate  day  for  agrikultur,  or  enny  other  man. 

A  puss  ov  30  dollars  waz  trotted  for,  by  sum  2  year  old 
colts. 

This  rase  did  not  attract  much  affection,  on  account  ov  the 
time  being  so  slow. 

Time,  2  minnits  and  38  seconds. 

FOURTH    DAY. 

This  waz  fur  3  or  4  years  old,  who  hadn't  never  beat  2.25, 

Thare  waz  26  entrys;  they  couldn't  aul  trot  tew  once,  so 
they  took  turns. 

This  rase  waz  won  after  a  bitter  contest,  by  Pete  Tucker's 
colt. 

He  waz  immediately  offered  a  thousand  dollars  and  a  fust- 
rate  farm,  well-stocked,  for  the  colt,  by  three  different  agri- 
kultural  men,  but  with  a  grate  deal  ov  indignant  good  sense, 
he  skorned  to  stoop  so  low. 

Pete  Tucker,  and  his  whole  family,  are  aul  hoss. 

FIFTH    DAY. 

It  rained  agin  like  thunder  and  lightning,  and  the  day  waz 
spent  in  betting  on  the  weight  ov  bosses. 

Sevral  good  boss-swops  waz  also  did. 

One  man  swopped  two  bosses  fur  one ;  this  struck  me  as  a 
devilish  good  thing,  but  everyboddy  else  said  it  waz  soft. 

At  the  end  ov  the  fifth  day  i  cum  away. 

I  got  so  full  ov  hoss,  that  ever  since  when  i  laff  i  kant  keep 
from  whinnering. 

d> 

The  fare  waz  kept  up  for  10  daze,  and  sum  red  hot  time 
waz  made. 

I  think  2  rninnits  and  10  sekonds  waz  made,  (if  my  memry 
serves  me  rite,  and  i  think  she  duz.) 

I  forgot  tew  say  that  thare  was  two  yoke  ov  oxens  on  the 


OATS.  40!) 


ground,  beside  sevral  yokes  ov  sheep  and  a  pile  ov  carrots, 
and  some  worsted  work,  but  they  didn't  seem  to  attrakt  enriy 
simpathy. 

The  people  hanker  fur  pure  agrikultural  hoss-trots. 


OATS. 

OATS  are  a  singular  grain,  perhaps  I  should  say  plural, 
bekauze  thare  iz  more  than  one  ov  them. 

They  gro  on  the  top  ov  a  straw,  about  two  foot,  9  and  one 
quarter  inches  hi,  and  the  straw  iz  holler. 

This  straw  iz  interesting  for  its  sukshun. 

Short  pieces  ov  it,  about  8  inches,  or  so,  dipt  into  the 
buzzum  ov  a  sherry  cobbler,  will  suckshun  up  the  entire  cobbler 
in  4  minnitts,  bi  the  watch. 

I  never  hav  tried  this,  but  i  kno  lots  ov  young,  and 
reliable  men,  who  stand  around  reddy  to  prove  this,  if  sum 
boddy  will  fetch  on  the  cobbler. 

This  suckshun  iz  sed  tew  be  a  ded  sure  thing. 

I  hav  been  told  bi  a  man,  who  iz  a  grate  traveller,  that 
in  the  game  ov  pharaoh,  it  iz  the  "  splits  "  that  win. 

If  this  iz  true,  (reasoning  from  analogy),  I  have  thought 
that  the  splits  in  the  straw  mite  be  in  favour  ov  the  cobbler 
and  agin  the  suckshun. 

But  i  aint  certain  ov  this,  in  fakt  i  hav  lost  confidence  in 
most  everything,  that  haz  to  be  proved,  since  i  got  so  awfully 
dizzy,  about  four  years  ago,  tricing  to  prove  to  the  chaplain 
ov  an  engine  company,  that  lager  beer  waz  not  intoxikating, 
but  waz  full  sister  to  filtered  rane  water. 

If  i  had  time  i  would  relate  more  about  this  circumstanse, 
but  i  must  git  back  onto  oats  agin. 

I  like  tew  see  a  man  stik  tite  tew  hiz  text,  if  he  haz  to 
bite  into  it  to  do  it. 

I  should  have  made  a  profitable  minister  az  fur  az  staying 
with  a  text  iz  concerned,  for  when  i  git  through  with  a  text, 


410 


MISSELLANEOUS. 


yu  kant  work  what's  left  ov  it  into  ennything  else,  not  even 
a  rag  karpet. 

Speaking  ov  rag  karpets,  brings  mi  wife  tew  mi 
mind. 

Mi  wife  haz  got  a  kind  ov  hidraphoby,  or  burning  fever  ov 
sum  kind,  for  rag  karpets  in  the  rag,  and  i  don't  have  but 
one  pair  ov  clothes  at  a  time  on  this  ackount,  and  theze 
i  put  to  sleep,  under  mi  pillo,  at  nite,  when  i  go  tew 
bed. 

She  watches  mi  clothes  just  az  cluss  az  a  mule  dnz  a  bistander, 
and  i  hav  told  all  ov  mi  best  friends,  if  i  am  ever  lost,  and 
kant  be  found  soon,  they  may  look  for  me  in  mi  wifes  last 
roll  of  rag  karpet. 

But  for  all  this,  i  love  mi  wife  with  the  affeckshun  ov  a 
parent,  (she  iz  sevral  years  inferior  to  me  in  age,)  and  i  had 
rather  be  rag  karpeted  bi  her,  than  tew  be  honey  fugled,  with 
warm  apple  sass,  bi  enny  other  woman.  But  i  must  git  back 

onto  oats  agin.      Oata 
LJ          gro  on  the  summit  ov 
sum    straw,    and    are 
sharp  at  both  ends. 

They  resemble  shu 
pegs  in  looks,  and 
build,  and  it  iz  sed, 
are  often  mistaken  for 
them  by  near-sighted 
bosses  and  shumakers. 
I  dont  intend  this 
remark  az  enny  dero- 
gativeness  to  shumak- 
ers in  the  lump,  for  i 
hav  often  sed,  in  mi 
inspired  moments,  if 
i  couldn't  be  a  shu- 
maker,  i  would  like  to 
be  a  good  lawyer. 
Oats  are  a  phuny  grain,  8  quarts  of  them  will  make  even  a 


OATS.  411 

stage  hoss  laft',  and  when  u  stage  lio.ss  luft's.  you  may  know  lio 
is  tickled  somewliare. 

This  iz  the  natur  ov  oats  as  a  beverage,  they  ainu/;e  tin; 
stummuck  ov  the  hoss  with  their  sharp  ends,  and  then  the 
lioss  laffs. 

I  hav  never  saw  a  hoss  laff,  but  i  hav  heard  that  it  could 
t>e  did. 

Thare  iz  a  grate  meimy  folks,  ov  good  moral  karakter,  who 
wont  believe  enny  thing  unless  they  ksin  see  it,  theze  kind 
of  folk  are  always  the  ea/yest  to  cheat. 

They  wont  beleave  a  rattle  snaiks  bight  iz  pizon  untill  tliev 
tri  it,  this  kind  of  infonnashun  alwus  kosts  more  than  it  iz 
aktually  worth. 

It  iz  a  middling  wize  man  who  profh'ts  hi  hiz  own  experi 
ence,  but  it  izagood  deal  wizer  one,  who  lets  the  rattle-snaik 
bight  the  other  phellow. 

The  Goddess  ov  korn  iz  also  the  the  Goddess  ov  oats,  and 
barley,  and  bukwheat. 

Her  name  iz  Series,  she  is  a  mithological  woman,  and  like 
menny  wimmen  now  a  daze,  she  iz  hard  tew  lokate. 

Theze  mithology  men,  and  wimmin,  work  well  eiiuit'  in 
poetry,  whare  a  good  deal  ov  lieing  dont  hurt  the  sense,  but 
when  you  cum  right  down  to  korn  in  the  car,  or  oats  in  the 
bundle,  all  the  gods  and  goddesses  in  the  world,  kant  warren t 
a  good  crop. 

It  takes  labor  tew  raize  oats,  and  thrash  them  out,  but  ov 
all  the  lazy  cusses  that  hav  pestered  the  earth,  since  Adam 
waz  a  boy,  the  gods,  and  goddesses,  hav  always  been  too  lazy 
^o  swet. 

Enny  being  who  haint  never  swet,  dont  kno  what  he  iz 
worth. 

i  would  like  to  see  a  whole  parcell  ov  theze  gods,  and 
goddesses,  in  a  harvest  field,  reaping  lodged  oats,  in  the  month 
of  August,  they  couldn't  earn  their  pepper-sass. 

Oats  are  sold   hi   weight  or  mezzure,  and  are  seldum  (or 
perhaps  i  may  say  in  confidence  never)  sold  by  count. 
Eggs,  and  money,  are  counted  out,  hut  oats  rever. 


MISSELLANEOUS. 

It  would  be  well  for  nu  beginners  to  remember  this,  H 
would  save  them  a  good  deal  of  time  on  every  hundred 
bushels  ov  oats. 

Time  iz  sed  tew  be  the  same  az  money,  if  this  iz  positively 
so,  Methuseler  died  ritch. 

Methuseler  waz  exackly  999  years  old  when  he  died,  now 
multipli  this  bi  365,  which  would  only  be  allowing  him  a 
dollar  a  day  for  hiz  time,  and  yu  will  find  just  what  he  waz 
worth. 

Oats  are  worth  from  40,  to  75  cents  a  bushel,  ackording 
tew  their  price,  and  aint  good  for  mutch,  only  tew  tickle  a 
hoss. 

They  will  choke  a  goose  to  deth  quicker  than  a  paper  oi 
pins,  and  enny  thing  that  will  choke  a  goose  to  deth  (i  mean 
on  the  internal  side  ov  their  thrut)  iz,  to  say  the  least  ov  it, 
very  skarse. 

Speaking  ov  a  goose,  i  hav  found  out  at  last  what  makes 
them  so  tuff,  it  iz  staying  out  so  inutch  in  the  cold. 

I  found  this  out  all  alone  by  miself. 

Oats  are  a  very  eazy  krop  tew  raize. 

All  yu  hav  got  to  do,  to  raize  sum  oats,  iz  to  plough  the 
ground  deep,  then  manure  it  well,  then  sprinkle  the  oats  all 
over  the  ground,  one  in  a  place,  then  worry  the  ground  with 
a  drag  all  over,  then  set  up  nites  tew  keep  the  chickens,  and 
woodchucks  out  ov  them,  then  pray  for  sum  rain,  then  kradle 
them  down  with  a  kradle,  then  rake  them  together  with  a 
rake,  then  bind  them  up  with  a  band,  then  stack  them  up  in 
a  stack,  then  thrash  them  out  with  a  flail,  then  clean  them 
up  with  a  mill,  then  sharpen  both  ends  ov  them  with  a  knife, 
then  stow  them  away  hi  a  granery,  then  spend  wet  days,  and 
Sundays,  trapping  for  rats,  and  mice. 

It  aint  nothing  but  phun  tew  raize  oats — try  it. 

One  ov  the  best  ways  tew  raize  a  sure  crop  ov  oats,  and 
tew  git  a  good  price  for  the  crop,  iz  tew  feed  4  quarts  ov 
them  tew  a  shanghi  rooster  then  murder  the  rooster  Bud 
denly,  and  sell  him  for  25  cents  a  pound,  crop  and  all. 


A  LAFF.— PASHUNCE  OV  JOB.  413 

******  # 

A    LAFF. 

Men  who  never  laff,  may  have  good  hearts,  but  tliev  art- 
deep  seated, — like  sum  springs,  they  hav  their  inlet  and 
outlet  from  below,  and  show  no  sparkling  bubble  on  the 
brim. 

I  don't  like  a  gigler,  this  kind  ov  laff  iz  like  the  dandy- 
lion,  a  feeble  yeller,  and  not  ;i  bit  ov  good  i-mell  about  it. 

It  iz  true  that  enny  kind  of  a  laff  ix  better  than  none,— 
but  giv  me  the  laff  that  looks  out  ov  a  man's  eyes  fust,  to  see 
if  the  coast  is  clear,  then  steals  down  into  the  dimple  ov  his 
cheek,  and  rides  in  an  eddy  thare  awhile,  then  u-altzes  a  spell, 
at  the  korners  ov  his  mouth,  like  a  thing  ov  life,  then  busts 
its  bonds  ov  buty,  and  fills  the  air  for  a  moment  with  a 
shower  ov  silvery  tongued  sparks, — then  steals  bak,  with  a 
smile,  to  its  liar,  in  the  harte,  tew  watch  agin  for  its  prey, — 
this  is  the  kind  ov  laff  that  i  luv,  and  aint  afrade  ov. 


PASHUNCE  OV  JOB. 

TWRYBODDY  iz  in  the  habit  ov  bragging  on  Job,  and 
JLJ  Job  did  hav  konsiderable  Lile  pashunce,  that's  a  fac,  but 
did  he  ever  keep  a  distrik  skule  for  8  dollars  a  month,  and 
borde  'round  ?. 

Did  he  ever  reap  lodged  oats  down  hill  in  a  hot  da,  and 
hav  all  hix  gallus  buttons  bust  oph  at  once  ( 

Did  he  ever  hav  the  jumpin  teethake,  and  be  made  tu  tend 
baby  while  hiz  wife  was  over  tu  Perkinses  tu  a  tea  squall  I 

Did  he  ever  git  up  in  the  morning  awful  dri  and  tuif  it  •'! 
miles  befoar  brekfast  tu  git  a  drink,  and  find  that  the  man  kep 
a  teinpranse  hous  ? 

Did  he  ever  undertaik  tu  milk  a  kicking  liefer  with  a  bushy 
tail,  in  fli  time,  out  in  a  lot  ? 

Did  he  ever  sot  down  onto  a   litter    ov  kittens  in  <heol0 


MISSELLANEOUS. 

roekin  cheer,  with  hiz  summer  pantyloons    Dn  without  saing 
"  damnashun  ! " 

If  he  cud  du  all  theze  things,  and  praze  the  Lord  at  the 
same  time,  all  i  hav  got  tu  sa,  iz,  Bully  for  Job  ! 


FKIDAY. — Yisited    mi    washwoman,  and   blowed   her   up 

1 

IS 


for  sewing  ruffles  and  tucks  onto  the  bottom  ov  mi  drawers 
She  was   thunderstruck  at   fust,  but   explained  the  nivsten 


THE  GAME  OF  YEWKEK.  415 

by  saying,  "  she  had  sent  me  a  pair,  by  mistake,  that  belonged 
to     *     *     *     *  .»     I  blushed   like  a  l>i led  lobster,  mid  told 

her  she  couldn't  be  too  keerful  about  Mich   tilings;  i   mit'ht 
Lav  biu  ruined  for  life. 


THE  GAME  OF  YEWKER. 

THIS  ill-bred  game  ov  kards  is  about  '27  years  old. 
It  was  fust  diskovered  by  the  deck  hands  0:1  a  lake  Erie 
steam  Boat,  and  handed  down  by  them  tew  posterity  in    awl 
its  juvenile  beauty. 

It  is  generally  played  by  4  persons  and  owes  mutch  ov  its 
absorbingness  tew  the  lackt  that  yu  kan  talk,  and  drink,  and 
rhaw,  and  cheat  while  the  game  is  advancing. 

I  have  seen  it  played  on  the  Hudson  River  Railroad,  in  the 
smoking  cars,  with  more  immaculate  skill  than  ennywhare 
-else. 

If  yu  play  thare,  yu  will  often  hold  a  hand  that  will  aston- 
ish yon,  quite  often  -I  queens  and  a  lospot,  which  will  inflame 
you  to  bate  7  or  S  dollars  that  it  is  a  good  hand  tew  play  po- 
ker with  ;  but  you  will  be  more  astonished  when  you  see  the 
other  feller's  hand,  which  invariably  consists  ov  4  kings  and 
a  one  spot. 

Yewker  is  a  mollatto  game,  and  don't  comparo  tew  old 
sledge  in  majesty,  enny  more  than  the  game  ov  pin  does  to 
a  square  church  raffle. 

1  never  play  yewker. 

I  never  would  learn  how,  out  ov  principle. 

I  was  originally  created  cluss  to  the  Connektikut  line,  ii. 
Nu  England,  whare  the  game  ov  7  up,  or  old  sledge,  wa* 
born,  and  exists  now  in  awl  its  pristine  virginity. 

I  play  old  sledge,  tew  this  day,  in  its  natiff  fierceness. 

Bui  I  won't  play  enny  game,  if  I  know  my  charakter 
whare  a  jack  will  take  an  ace,  and  a  ten  spot  won't  count 
game. 

I  won't  play  no  such  kind  ov  a  game,  out  ov  respekt  toolU 
Connekticut,  mi  natiff  place. 


416  MISSELLAKEOUS. 

BEER 

I  HAY  finally  cum  tew  the  konclusion,  that  lager  "beer  it 
not  intoxikatin. 

I  hav  been  told  so  bi  a  german,  who  sed  lie  had  drank  it 
aid  nite  long,  just  tew  tri  the  experiment,  and  was  obliged 
tew  go  home  entirely  sober  in  the  morning.  I  hav  seen  this 
same  man  drink  sixteen  glasses,  and  ii  he  was  drunk,  he  waa 
drunk  in  german,  and  noboddy  couid  understand  it.  It  iz 
proper  enulf  tew  state,  that  this  man  kept  a  lager-beer  saloon, 
and  could  have  no  object  in  stating  what  want  strictly  thus. 

I  beleaved  him  tew  the  full  extent  ov  mi  ability.  I  never 
drank  but  3  glasses  ov  lager  beer  in  mi  life,  and  that  made 
my  lied  untwist,  as  tho  it  was  hnng  on  the  end  ov  a  string, 
but  i  was  told  that  it  was  owing  tew  my  bile  being  out  ov 
place,  and  I  guess  that  it  was  so,  for  1  never  biled  over  wuss 
than  i  did  when  I  got  home  that  nite.  Mi  wife  was  afrade  i 
was  agoing  tew  die,  and  i  was  almoste  afrade  i  shouldn't,  for 
it  did  seem  az  tho  evrything  i  had  ever  eaten  in  mi  life,  was 
craning  tew  the  surface,  and  i  do  really  beleave,  if  mi  wife 
hadn't  pulled  oph  mi  boots,  just  az  she  did,  they  would  have 
cum  thundering  up  too. 

Oh,  how  sick  i  was !  it  was  14  years  ago,  and  i  kan  taste  it 
now. 

I  never  had  so  much  experience,  in  so  short  a  time. 

If  enny  man  should  tell  me  that  lager  beer  was  not  intoxika- 
ting,  i  should  beleave  him  ;  but  if  he  should  tell  me  that  i 
Want  drunk  that  nite,  but  that  my  stummuk  was  only  out  ov 
order,  i  should  ask  him  tew  state  over,  in  a  few  words,  just 
how  a  man  felt  and  akted  when  he  was  well  set  up. 

If  i  want  drunk  that  nite,  i  had  sum  ov  the  moste  natural 
eimptoms  a  man  ever  had,  and  keep  sober. 

In  the  fust  place,  it  was  about  80  rods  from  whare  i  drank 
the  lager,  tew  my  house,  and  i  was  over  2  hours  on  the  road, 
and  had  a  hole  busted  thru  each  one  ov  mi  pantaloon  kneeze, 
and  didn't  hav  enny  hat,  and  tried  tew  open  the  door  by  the 
bell-pull,  and  hickuppcd  awfully,  and  saw  evrything  in  the 


BEER. 


417 


room  tryin  tew  git  round  onto  the  back  side  ov  me,  and  in 
setting  down  onto  a  chair,  i  didn't  wait  quite  long  enuff  for  it 
tew  git  exactly  under  me,  when  it  was  going  round,  and  i  sett 
down  a  little  too  soon,  and  missed  the  chair  by  about  1JI 


inches,  and  couldn't  git  up  quick  enuff  tew  take  the  next 
one  when  it  cum,  and  that  ain't  aul ;  mi  wife  sed  i  waz  az 
drunk  az  a  beast,  and  az  i  sed  before,  i  begun  tew  spit  up 
things  freely. 

27* 


*18  MISCELLANEOUS. 

If  lager  beer  iz  not  intoxikating,  it  used  rue  almighty 
mean,  that  i  kno. 

Still  i  hardly  think  lager  beer  iz  intoxikating,  for  i  hav  been 
told  so,  and  i  am  probably  the  only  man  living,  who  ever 
drunk  enny  when  hiz  bile  want  plumb. 

I  don't  want  tew  say  ennything  against  a  harmless  tern- 
pranse  bevridge,  but  if  i  ever  drink  enny  more  it  will  be  with 
mi  hands  tied  behind  me,  and  mi  month  pried  open. 

I  don't  think  lager  beer  iz  intoxikating,  but  if  i  remember 
right,  i  think  it  tastes  to  me  like  a  glass  with  a  handle  on  one 
side  ov  it,  full  ov  soap  suds  that  a  pickle  had  bin  put  tew 
soak  in. 


LAUGHING. 

IT  never  haz  been  proved,  that  enny  ov  the  animal  kreation 
hav  attempted  tew  laff,  (we  are  quite  certain  that  none 
hav  succeded  ;)  thus  this  deliteful  episode  and  pleasant  power 
appears  tew  be  entirely  writhin  the  province  ov  humans. 

It  iz  the  language  ov  infancy — the  eloquense  ov  childhood, 
— and  the  power  tew  laff  is  the  power  to  be  happy. 

It  is  becoming  tew  awl  ages  and  conditions ;  and  (with  the 
very  few  exceptions,  sakred  tew  sorrow)  an  honest,  hearty  laff 
iz  always  agreeable  and  in  order. 

It  iz  an  index  ov  karakter,  and  betrays  sooner  than  words- 
— Laffing  keeps  oph  sickness,  and  haz  conquered  az  menny 
diseases  az  ever  pills  have,  and  at  mutch  less  expense. — It 
makes  flesh,  and  keeps  it  in  its  place.  It  drives  away  weari- 
ness and  brings  a  dream  ov  sweetness  tew  the  sleeper. — It 
never  iz  covetous. — It  ackompanys  charity,  and  iz  the  hand- 
maid ov  honesty. —  It  disarms  revenge,  humbles  pride,  and 
iz  the  talisman  ov  kontentment. — Sum  have  kalled  it  a  weak- 
ness— a  substitute  for  thought,  but  really  it  strengthens  wit, 
and  adorns  wisdum,  invigorates  the  mind,  gives  language 
ease,  and  expreshun  elegance.-<-It  holds  the  mirror  up  tew 


THE  ADVENT  NO.  2.  419 

beauty  ;  it  strengthens  modesty,  and  makes  virtew  heavenly. 

It  iz  the  light  ov  life ;  without  it  we  should  be  but  anima- 
ted ghosts. 

It  challenges  fear,  hides  sorrow,  weakens  despair,  and  car- 
ries haff  ov  poverty's  bundles. — It  costs  nothing,  comes  at 
the  call,  and  leaves  a  brite  spot  behind. — It  iz  the  only  index 
ov  gladness,  and  the  only  buty  that  time  kannot  effase. — It 
never  grows  old  ;  it  reaches  from  the  cradle  clear  tew  the 
grave 

Without  it,  love  would  be  no  pashnn,  and  fruition  would 
show  no  joy. — It  iz  the  fust  and  the  last  sunshine  that  visits 
the  heart ;  it  was  the  warm  welkum  ov  Eden's  lovers,  and  was 
the  only  capital  that  sin  left  them  tew  begin  bizzness  with 
outside  the  Garden  ov  Paradise. 


THE  ADVENT  NO.  2. 

THE  secknnd  advri:iii  (*,  and  adventisses, are  a  people  ov 
slo  growth,  but  remarkabel  vigor  and  grate  endurance. 
They  have  been  to  work,  with  both  hands,  for  about  thirty 
years,  to  mi  knowledge,  in  bringing  this  world  tew  her  milk; 
and  tho  often  outfigured  in  the  arithmetick  ov  events,  they 
rub  out  the  slate,  and  begin  agin. 

Like  all  other  moral  enthusiasts  for  right  or  wrong,  they 
tap  the  bible  for  their  nourishment,  and  several  times,  so  they 
sav,  hav  only  missed  in  their  kalculations,  but  about  two 
inches,  which  i/  mighty  cluss  for  so  big  a  thing. 

The  time  ha/,  bin  sott,at  least  a  dozen  times  since  i  hav  bin 
an  inhabitant  in  this  country,  and  when  i  waz  a  boy,  az  tender, 
and  az  green  az  celery,  i  kan  rekolekt  with  mi  memory,  ov 
hashing  awful  palpitations  in  the  naberhood  ov  the  knee-pans, 
upon  one  ov  the  eventful  days,  and  crawled  under  the  barn, 
not  to  be  in  the  way. 

But  az  i  grew  older— if  i  didn't  gro  cnny  wizer— I  had  th« 


420 


MISSELLAAEOLS. 


satisfackshun  ov  growing  bigger,  and  more  less  afrade  OM 
advents. 

I  cum  tew  the  konklusion,  sum  time  since,  that  Divine 
Providence  treated  the  world,  without  enny  ov  the  succor  or 
scientifick  attainments  ov  man,  and  he  probably  would  be 
able  to  destroy  it  in  the  same  way. 

I  hav  alwus  thought,  judgeing  from  what  little  i  hav  bin 

able  tew  pick,  that 
waz  lieing  around 
loose,  ov  man's  inter- 
nal natur,  thet  if  the 
world  hadn't  bin  bilt, 
before  man  waz,  he 
probably  wouldn't 
hav  bin  satizfied  if  lie 
couldn't  hav  put  in 
hiz  lip. 

Man  iz  an  uneazy 
kritter,  and  luvs  tew 
tell  how  things  ought 
tew  be  bilt  and  haz 
got  jist  impudence 
enuff  tew  offer  Lih 
valuable  services  tew 
the  Lord  espeshily  in 
the  way  ov  advice. 
Now  I  am  confidently  ov  the  opinyun  that  the  world  will 
surntime  be  knocked  out  ov  time ;  it  hain't  got  the  least  partic- 
kle  ov  immotality  about  it,  that  I  hav  bin  able  tew  diskover. 
it  iz  az  certain  tew  di  az  man  iz,  and  i  think  enny  boddy,  whc 
will  take  slate,  and  pencil,  and  straddle  a  chair  calmly,  and 
cypher  out  the  earth's  death  to  day,  iz  no  wizer ;  nor  less 
imprudent  and  wicked,  than  if  he  figgured  on  hiz  nabors 
phunneral,  and  then  blabbed  it  all  around  town. 

The  bible  that  i  was  brought  up  on,  sez:  "that  the  son  oi 
.nan  cometh  like  a  thief  in  the  night,"  and  evry  boddr  knows, 
that  the  ftist  intimaslmn  we  hav  ov  a  thief's  visit  iz,  that  he 
haz  been  hero,  and  left. 


THE  ADVENT  NO.  i'.  421 

Thare  iz  a  large  share  ov  the  students,  in  thesecund  advent 
.lokter  stuff,  that  are  pupils  ov  pitty,  they  cum  into  this  world, 
not  only  naked,  but  without  enny  brains,  nor  enny  place  suita- 
ble tew  put  enny,  the  f  ust  bizzness,  ov  enny  consequence  thev 
do,  iz  to  begin  to  wonder,  and  it  ain't  long  before  the  phool 
nuss  picks  them  up,  and  givs  them  a  stiddy  job. 

This  iz  the  way  the  common  adventer  iz  made,  and  if  he 
aint  a  stool  pidgeon  for  life  in  the  second  advent  speckula- 
shun,  he  iz  in  sum  other  cuming  thing,  with  a  hole  in  the  bot- 
tom ov  it,  for  enny  man  who  iz  eazy  to  phool,  loves  to  be 
phooled. 

The  fust  originators  ov  phalse  doktrines,  are  most  alwus 
dupes  tew  their  own  ignorance,  but  if  the  doctrine  seems  tew 
lie  a  hit,  then  yu  will  ^ee  men  ov  brains,  who  oiiglit  tew  be 
ashamed  ov  sich  wickedness,  take  the  masheen  hi  the  crank, 
and  run  it. 

I  dont  know  whether  Mr.  Miller  wax  the  inventor  ov  this 
seckond  advent  abortion  or  not,  but  if  he  wax,  i  will  bet  a 
haff  pint  ov  peenuts,  and  pay  whether  i  win  or  lose,  that  he 
waz  a  phatt,  lazy  old  simpleton  who  lived  on  a  back  ro.;d,  az 
ignorant  ov  the  bible  az  a  kuntry  hoss  doktor  iz  ov  medicin. 

I  am  alwus  reddy  tew  pitty,  and  forgiv  a  phool,  espeshily 
when  he  dont  step  on  enny  boddy  but  himself. 

Thare  iz  one  thing  about  theze  enthusiasts  that  iz  phair, 
and  rather  remarkable  for  humbuggers,  they  destroy  th era- 
Belt's,  az  well  az  the  rest  ov  us,  at  the  same  pop. 

Mi  opinyun  iz,  if  the  worl  should  consent  tew  cum  tew  an 
end,  to  suit  their  reckoning,  they  would  be  ax  skared  a  sett 
ov  carpet-baggers,  az  yu  could  find,  and  be  the  fust  ones  to 
say,  that  the  figgures  had  lied. 

I  am  willing  tew  dubble  mi  haff  pint  bet  ov  peenuts,  and 
make  it  a  pint,  that  thare  aint  aMilleritenow  living,  nor  ever 
agoing  tew  liv,  whom  yu  could  git  tew  take  S7  1-2  cents  in 
change  for  a  dollar  greenback,  or  who  would  giv  a  dubble 
price  for  a  breakfasst,  on  the  morning  ov  the  day  that  iz  sott 
for  the  worlds  destrukshun. 

Enthusiasm,  and  seckond  adventism,  iz  cheap,  but  a  dollar 
iz  wuth  the  face  ov  it. 


422  MISSELLANEOUS. 

Oh  !  impudence,  whare  iz  tliy  sting!  Oh!  pholly,  wliare  ia 
thy  viktory  ! 


QUESTIONS  AND  ANSWERS. 

Qu. — IIo\v  fast  will  the  " come-in g  man"  probably  travel  I 

Ans. — It  iz  unpossibul  tew  say.  but  if  he  kant  beat  2:25, 
he'd  better  stay  whare  lie  is,  for  there  is  no  glory  left  for  n 
slow  cuss,  in  these  parts,  but  to  run  foot  races  with  the  crab 
family. 

Qu. — What  are  yure  centiments  in  regard  tew  southern 
rekonstrukshun  ? 

Ans. — In  mi  opinyun,  the  best  kind  ov  rekonstrukshun  for 
the  South,  iz  to  be  born  agin. 

Qu. — What  iz  the  most  karniverous  animal? 

Ans. — Death. 

Qu. — What  iz  the  eaziest  thing  tew  digest? 

Ans. — A  good  joke. 

Qu. — Do  yu  think  that  females  kan  ever  praktiss  medicine 
suckcessfully  \ 

Ans. — Win  not !  they  kan  beat  the  world  bleeding  a  pocket 
book. 

Qu. — Iz  thare  ennything  that  iz  proof  against  ridikule  ? 

Ans. — Nothing  that  i  kno  ov,  except  fashion,  and  muske- 
toze. 

Qu.— Iz  it  proper  tew  speak  tew  a  lady  acquaintance  in  the 
street  fust,  or  last  ? 

Ans. — I  should  think  fust,  for  they  tell  me  that  wimmin 
will  hav  the  last  word. 

Qu. — Who  are  the  only  real  temperance  folks  in  the  world  ? 

Ans. — The  Greenlanders,  whiskey  never  thaws  out   thare. 

Qu. — Iz  it  proper  under  enny  circumstances  tew  use  the 
word  Damn  as  a  tonick  2 

Ans. — It  might  possibly  be  proper,  in  speaking  ov  a  river 
that  waz  dry  eleven  months  in  the  year,  to  state  carefully  that 
it  wasn't  worth  a  dam. 


QUESTIONS  AND  ANSWERS.  423 

Qu. — What  iz  one  ov  the  principal  dutys  -,ve  owe  to  our 
country  '. 

Ans. — The  customs. 

Qu. — Dew  you  beleave  in  the  mirakel  ov  Pharaoh  aiul  hiz 
hosts,  being  drank  up  by  the  lied  see  '( 

Ans. —  I  do ;  and  i  would  like  tew  see  the  same  old  mirakel 
tried  over  agin  ov  faro  and  hiz  hosts,  in  New  York  citv. 

Qu. — Which  do  yu  konsider  the  must  general  pashmi  ov 
the  humin  heart  ? 

Ans. — The  luv  ov  applauze  ;  it  sticks  tew  evryboddv  during 
life,  and  repents  itself  on  the  tnmestun. 

Qu. — If  yu  waz  blest!  with  a  boy,  which  uv  the  lernt  pro- 
feshions  would  yu  dedikate  him  to  ? 

Ans. — The  shuinakers. 

Qu. — Iz  thare  enny  rule  to  obtain  long  life? 

Ans. — Only  one ;  liv  virtuously  ;  a  good  life,  if  ever  so 
short,  kasts  a  lengthning  shaddo  back  upon  time,  and  forward 
into  eternity. 

Qu. — Which  do  yu  kount  the  happy est  time  in  a  man's 
life? 

Ans. — Immediately  after  he  haz  did  a  square  thing. 

Qu. — Is  whiskee  a  tonick  \ 

Ans. — No,  it  iz  an  alterative ;  it  alters  dollars  into  pence, 
and  men  into  bruits. 

Qu. — Iz  revenge  a  viktory  I 

Ans. — Kill  a  hornet  after  he  haz  stung  yu,  and  see  if  the 
wound  heals  enny  quicker. 

Qu. —  Don't  yon  think  that  nearly  awl  the  shrewd  sayings 
and  snug  fitting  maxims,  in  support  ov  morality,  and  for  the 
scourgeing  ov  vice  and  pholly  are  simply  a  rehash  ov  what 
haz  been  written  long  ago  bi  the  ancients? 

Ans. — I  do,  but  that  iz  no  argument  aginst  their  reputation ; 
thare  iz  just  az  mutch  use  for  phisick  now  az  thare  was  when 
kaster  ile  waz  fust  invented. 

Qu. — What  is  the  difference  between  a'  mistake  and  • 
blunder  ? 

Ans. — When  a  man  sets  down  a  poor  umbrella  and  takes 


M1SS£LLAXEOUS. 

up  a  good  one  he  makes  a  mistake,  but  when  he  sets  down  H 
good  umbrella  and  takes  up  a  poor  one  he  makes  a  blunder. 

Qu. — If  i  couldn't  hav  but  one  thing,  what  dew  yu  think  it 
would  be  ? 

Ans. — Kontentment,  for  with  that  i  could  buy  awl  the  rest. 

Qn. — "Which  do  yu  think  iz  the  best  representative  man, 
the  lively  or  the  sorry  Christian  ? 

Ans. — Thare  aint  nothing  in  mi  praktiss  so  hard  tew  judge 
ov  az  pius  heft,  but  i  don't  think  the  Lord  ever  takes  the 
length  of  a  man's  face  for  a  suit  of  heavenly  clothes ;  he 
measures  the  soul. 

Qu. — What  iz  the  best  cure  for  love  ? 

Ans. — Tew  liv  on  it. 

Qu. — What  iz  the  best  cure  for  pride  ? 

Ans. — A  fall  on  the  ice  before  folks. 

Qu. — What  iz  a  sik  old  bachelor  like  ? 

Ans. — A  cocoon. 

Qu. — What  iz  an  excuse  ? 

Ans. — The  finesse  ov  reason. 

Qu. — What  iz  the  difference  between  Saratoga  and  Long 
Branch  ? 

Ans. — At  Saratoga  it  iz  to  go  in  full  dress  ;  at  Long  Branch 
it  iz  to  undress  and  go  in. 

Qu. — Where  do  the  vain  go  tew  when  they  die? 

Ans. — A  barber's  shop. 


LONG  BKANCH,  SAKATOGA,  AND  LAKE  GEOKGE. 

THEZE  three  places  are  wet  spots. 
I  visited  them  all  during  the  past  seazon,  and  kant  be 
mistaken  about  this. 

Upon  my  arrival  at  Long  Branch,  i  commenced  at  onca 
tew  drink  the  water,  but  it  did  not  answer  mi  expektashun, 
I  like  lemonade,  and  milk  puntch,  and  sum  sider,  but  mm 
eral  water  aint  mi  fort. 


~ONG  BRANCH,  SARATOGA  AM)  LAKE  GEOKGK         425 

I  think  the  water  at  Long  Branch  ix  too  psalt. 

I  noticed  that  most  ov  the  people  wont  out  into  the  water 
sum  ways  from  the  shore,  the  water  may  taste  more  fresh  out 
thare. 

I  laid  down  on  mi  flat  stummuk,  cluss  tew  the  edge  ov  the- 
water,  and  drank  sum. 

But  the  folks  that  waz  out  in  the  water  got  on  a  frolik,  and 
pushed    the    water 
into    the   shore    so 
mutch  that  it  went 
all  over  me. 

This  waz  looked 
upon  flz  k  u  s  s  i  d 
smart,  and  every 
boddy  laffed. 

1  did  not  see  en- 
ny  thing  phunny  in 
it,  and  so  i  didn't 
laff. 

The  water  at 
Long  Branch  iz 
verry  plenty,  and 
will  last  for  menny 
years  to  cum,  if 
they  are  saving  ov 


it.       I 


told 


me 


LONG  BRANCH,  SARATOGA,  AND  TAKE  T.EORO*. 
that  the  water  at  Long  Branch  waz  good  for   the  tidbit,  and 
the  conipshun. 

I  think  if  the  water  \vaz  strained,  and  the  mineral  got  out 
ov  it,  i  might  worn  down  sum  ov  it. 

I  took  a  jug  ov  the  water  home,  and  tried  it  on  mi  aunt, 
who  haz  a  fidgit  once  in  a  while,  but  she  didn't  hanker  for  it 
but  once. 

I  sent  a  vial  ov  it  tew  our  minister,  and  the  next  Sundav 
hiz  text  waz,  "if  psalt  has  lost  its  saver,  \\hare  shall  it  b) 
psalted." 

While  i  waz  at  Long  Branch  i  think  thare  waz   more  than 


M1SSELLANKOUS 

a  millyun  or  people  cum  and  went,  and  i  didn't  hear  one  o\ 
them  find  enny  phalt  with  the  taste  ov  the  water. 

I  shall  go  down  thare  next  spring  early,  and  stay  thare  till 
i  learn  how  tew  like  the  wrater. 

While  at  Long  Branch  i  put  up  at  the  Continental  hotel, 
which  iz  handy  to  the  water. 

This  hotel  is  7  hundred  feet  long,  and  one  hundred  and 
sixty-five  feet  thick,  and  the  water  iz  lokated  just  about  in 
front  ov  the  middle  ov  the  hotel. 

The  landlord  ov  this  hotel  iz  a  very  clever  phellow,  and 
told  me  he  had  kept  the  house  5  years,  and  couldn't  drink  the 
water  yet  with  mutch  suckcess. 

His  name  iz  W.  H.  Borrows,  and  i  reckomend  him  to  all 
who  are  in  search  ov  a  landlord. 

I  went  from  Long  Branch  to  Saratoga  immejiately  and  be- 
gun to  drink. 

I  don't  think  the  water  at  Saratoga  iz  so  mineral  az  at  Long 
Branch. 

I  staid  at  Saratoga  four  weeks,  and  worked  away  at  the 
water  all  the  time. 

The  more  i  drinkt,  the  less  i  wanted  to. 
The  water  ain't  so  numerous  at  Saratoga,  az  it  iz  at   Lon£ 
Branch,  and  that  iz  the  reason  whi  they  bottle  it. 

I  stopt  at  the  Grand  Union  Hotel  while  at  Saratoga,  and 
noticed  several  people  thare. 

This  hotel  iz  kept  by  the  Lelands,  and  iz  kept  just  az  i 
should  keep  -hotel,  if  i  waz  a  going  tew  keep  one. 

I  always  thought  it  waz  dredful  easy  to  keep  a  good  hotel, 
and  after  staying  4:  weeks  at  the  Grand  Union  I  know  it   iz. 
The  clerks  at  this  hotel  are  a  hansum  set  ov  phello\vs  and 
they  all  told  me  they  knew  how  to  drink  the  water. 

I  shall  cum  here  next  summer  and  stop  at  this  same  hotel, 
if  they  will  let  me,  and  i  shall  keep  comeing  year  after  year, 
until  i  learn  how  to  finally  drink  the  water. 
From  Saratoga  i  went  to  Lake  George. 
1  went  by  the  A.dirondax  ralerode,  and  found  it  a  mostde- 
litesum  route,  besides  being  mutch  the  cheapest. 


.LONG  BRANCH,  SARATOGA,  AND  LAKH  (,K<  >KGE.         427 

One  reason  ov  this  waz  bekauze  the  superintendant  ov  the 
rode  presented  me  with  a  pass  to  go  and  cum. 

I  kan  say  to  all  who  are  going  to  Luke  George  to  drink  the 
waters,  yu  had  better  go  by  the  Adirondax  route  yn  will  git 
less  dust  and  more  shade  ;  yu  will  find  good  stages,  jolly  driv- 
ers, kind  agents,  and  just  az  like  a/  not,  a  free  pass  for  your- 
t  elf  and  wife. 

I  reached  Lake  George  in  time  to  drink  before  dinner,  and 
couldn't  taste  enny  psalt  in  the  water. 

I  waz  supri/ed  at  this,  and  concluded  i  had  injured  mi  taste. 

I  tried  the  water  the  next  morning,  and  found  them  still 
imsalty,  and  paid  mi  bill,  and  left. 

The  landlord  asked  me,  with  tears  in  hi/  eyes,  what  wax 
the  matter,  and  i  whispered  in  hi/  ear  that  the  water  lakt 
psalt. 

He  begged  mi  pardon,  and  offered  tew  fix  sum  for  me. 

1  left  Lake  George  with  the  firm  con vikshun  that  the  water 
iz  too  fresh  tew  be  proffitable. 

Sumthing  was  sed  tew  me  about  the  scenery  around  Lake 
George  being  so  fine;  but  i  didn't  go  for  scenery,  i  went  for 
water. 

After  spending  eleven  weeks  ov  pure,  unspekeled  happi- 
ness, i  find  miself  at  hum  agin,  feeling  like  a  birde,  hut  a 
leetle  water-soaked. 

I  shall  start  in  a  phew  days  for  Utaw,  and  shall  spend  tne 
winter  thare,  and  praktiss  on  the  waters. 

I  am  told  that  the  waters  at  psalt  lake  are  more  substanshall 
tew  drink  than  enny  others. 

I  shall  visit  Brigham  Young  while  i  am  thare,  and  study 
nollygamy. 

If  pollygamy  i/  a  blessing,  the  quicker  we  all  find  it  out 

'.he  better. 

T  forgot  to  state  that  i  saw  one  man  at  Saratoga  irink 
glasses  ov  mineral  water  konsekutiff.     They  sed   he   waz   a 
sailor — a  regular  old  psalt. 

I  also  saw  one  man  at  Long  Branch  drink  more  water 
he  could  swaller.     He  cum  very  near  drounding  to  deth. 

But  thare  iz  excepshnns  tew  the  general  rule. 


4:28  MISSELLANEOUS. 

SUM  YEGETABEL  IIISTOEY. 


strawberry  is  one  ov  natur's  sweet  pets. 
JL      She  makes  them   worth  fifty  cents,  the  fust  she  makes, 
and  never  allows  them  tew  be  sold  at  a  mean  price. 

The  culler  ov  the  strawrberry  iz  like  the  setting  sun  under 
a  thin  cloud,  with  a  delicate  dash  of  the  rain  bo  in  it  ;  its 
fragrance  iz  like  the  breath  ov  a  baby,  when  it  fust  begins 
tew  eat  wintergreen  lossingers  ;  its  flavor  is  like  the  nektar 
which  an  old-fashioned  goddess  used  tew  leave  in  the  bottom 
ov  her  tumbler,  when  Jupiter  stood  treat  on  Mount  Ida. 

There  iz  menny  breeds  ov  this  delightful  vegetable,  but  not 
a  mean  one  in  the  whole  lot. 

I  think  i  have  stole  them,  laying  around  loose,  without 
enny  pedigree,  in  sumboddy's  tall  grass,  when  I  waz  a  lazy 
schoolboy,  that  eat  dredf  ul  easy,  without  enny  white  sugar  on 
them,  and  even  a  bug  occasionally  mixed  with  them  in  the 
hurry  of  the  moment. 

Cherrys  are  good,  but  they  are  too  mutch  like  sucking  a 
marble,  with  a  handle  tew  it. 

Peaches  are  good,  if  yu  don't  git  enny  ov  the  pin-feathers 
into  yure  lips. 

Watermelons  will  suit  ennyboddy  who  iz  satisfied  with 
half  sweetened  drink  ;  but  the  man  who  can  eat  strawberry  s 
besprinkled  with  crushed  shuggar,  and  besmattered  with 
sweet  cream,  (at  sumboddy  else's  expense),  and  not  lay  hiz 
hand  on  hiz  -stummuk,  and  thank  the  author  ov  strawberrys 
and  stummuks,  iz  a  man  with  a  worn-out  conscience  —  a  man 
whose  mouth  tastes  like  a  hole  iu  the  ground,  that  don't 
care  what  goes  down  it. 


NEW  ASHFOPJ). 

The  village  ov  New  Ashford  iz  lokated  in  the  state  ov 
Massachusetts,  and  iz  about  150  miles  west  ov  Plymouth 
rbk. 


NEW  ASHFORD.  429 

It  iz  one  ov  them  towns  that  dont  make  enny  fuss,  but  for 
pure  water,  pure  morals,  and  good  rye,  and  injun  bread,  it 
stands  on  tiptoze. 

It  waz  settled  soon  after  the  landing  ov  the  pilgrims,  bi  sum 
ov  that  party,  and  like  all  the  Xu  England  towns,  waz,  at  one 
time,  selebrated  for  its  stern  religious  creed,  and  its  excellent 
rum  and  tanzy. 

It  may  seem  a  leetle  strange,  tew  these  latter  day  saints,  tew 
hear  me  mix  up  rum  and  religion  together,  but  ihad  an  Unkle, 
who  preached  God's  word  in  the  next  town  south  ov  New 
Ashford,  80  years  ago,  who  died  in  due  time,  and  went  to 
heaven. 

This  genial  old  saint  alwus  took,  on  week  daze,  three  mag- 
nificent horns  ov  rum  and  tanzy,  and  Sundaze  he  took  four. 
I  hav  no  doubt  it  lengthened  out  hiz  time,  and  braced  up 
hiz  faith. 

But  i  wouldn't  advise  enny  ov  the  yung  klergy  ov  to-day 
tew  meddle  with  rum  and  tanzy,  az  a  fertilizer. 

The  tanzy  iz  all  rite — it  grows  az  green  and  az  bitter  az 
ever  ;  for  man  kant  adulturate  it,  but  the  rumhazbin  bedevil- 
ed into  rank  pizon. 

One  sich  horn  az  mi  old  unkle  used  tew  absorb  between  hiz 
sermons  on  Sunday  (5  inches,  good  and  strong)  would  dis- 
franchise a  whole  drove  ov  preachers  now. 

In  them  daze,  the  preacher  waz  a  stalwart  man,  and  couid 
mo  his  swarth  in  the  hay  field,  with  the  best  ov  them,  and 
could  ride  a  hard  trotting  cob  or  a  hoss,  6  miles  an  hour,  all 
day,  akrost  the  mountains,  and  set  doun  at  night,  to  biled 
pork  and  kabbage,  and  kold  injun  puddin,  and  after  thanking 
the  Lord  for  his  menny  mersys,  eat  hiz  way  klean  to  the 
middle  ov  the  table. 

But  times,  and  men,  hav  altered,  and  so  haz  rum  and 
tanzy. 

I  dont  want  them  good  old  times  tew  cum  back  agin,  we 

aint  pure  enuflf  now  tew  stand  them,  neither  arc  we  tuft  enuff. 

Our  virtews  may   be  ax  pure  in  the  eyes  ov  heaven,  but 

they  kant  stand  the  biled  pork,  and  rum}  c  T  one 

vears  ago. 


430  MISCELLANEOUS. 

M  e  are  told  that  mankind  are  growing  weaker  and  wizer ; 
weaker  i  admit,  but  wisdum  that  is  gained  at  the  expense  ov 
simplicity  may  be  a  doubtful  gain. 

I  never  hav  met  an  old  man  yet,  who  didn't  mourn  the 
degeneracy  ov  the  times. 

AVisdum  don't  kunsist  in  knowing  more  that  iz  new,  but  in 
knowing  less  that  iz  false. 

But,  dear  Mr.  —  ,  i  will  now  git  back  tew  whare  i  am, 
and  tell  yu  sumthin  about  Xew  Ashford. 

If  yu  luv  a  mountain,  cum  up  here  and  see  me. 

Right  in  front  ov  the  little  tavern,  whare  i  am  staying,  rizes 
up  a  chunk  ov  land,  that  will  make  yu  feel  weak  tew  look  at 
it. 

I  hav  bin  on  its  top,  and  far  above  waz  the  brite  bin  ski, 
without  a  kloud  swimming  in  it,  while  belo  me  the  rain  shot 
slanting  on  the  valley,  and  the  litening  played  its  mad  pranks. 

How  is  this  for  hi  ? 

But  what  a  still  place  this  Kew  Ashford  iz. 

At  sunrize  the  roosters  crow  all  around,  once  apiece;  at 
sunset  the  cows  cum  hollering  home  tew  be  milked  ;  and  at 
twilite  out  steal  the  krickets,  with  a  song,  the  burden  ov 
which  seems  sad  and  weary. 

This  iz  all  the  racket  thare  iz  in  New  Ashford.  It  iz  so 
still  here  that  you  can  hear  a  feather  drop  from  a  blujay's 
tail. 

Out  ov  this  mountain,  squeezed  bi  the  weight  ov  it,  leaks 
a  little  brook  ov  water,  and  up  and  down  this  brook  each  day 
i  loiter. 

In  mi  hand  i  hav  a  short  pole,  on  the  end  ov  the  pole  a 
short  line,  on  the  line  a  sharp  hook,  looped  on  the  hook  a 
grub,  or  a  worm. 

Every  now  and  and  then  thare  cums  dancing  out  ov  this 
little  brook  a  live  trout  no  longer  than  yure  linger,  but  az 
sweet  az  a  stick  ov  kandy,  and  in  he  goes  at  the  top  ov  mi 
baskit. 

This  iz  what  i  am  here  f»»r;  trout  for  breakfast,  trout  foi 
dinner  and  trout  for  supper, 


NEW  ASHFORD. 


431 


I  am  az  happy  and  az  lazy  az  a  yerling  heifer. 

I  hav  not  a  kare  on  mi  mind,  not  an  ake  in  mi  toddy 

I  haven't  read  a  nuzepaper  for  a  week,  and  wouldn't  read 
one  for  a  dollar. 

I  shall  stay  here  till  mi  mnnny  givs  out,  and  shall  cum  hak 
tew  the  senseless 
crash  ov  the  city, 
with  a  tear  in  mi  eye, 
and  holes  in  both  ov 
mi  boots. 

This  world  iz  plmll 
ov  fun,  but  most 
pholks  look  too  hi 
for  it. 

On  one  side  ov 
this  mountain  they 
say  thare  iz  rattle- 
snaix,  on  that  side  of 
the  mo  u  n  t  a  i  n,  iz 
whare  i  dont  go. 

I  am  just  az  fraid 
ov  a  snaix  as  a  wo- 
man iz,  i  had  rather 
meet  the  devil,  enny- 
time,  on  a  bust,  than  a  three  foot  snaik.  A  striped  suaik  in 
the  morning  spiles  the  rest  ov  that  day  for  me. 

I  am  coming  home,  dear  Friends  in  two  months,  and  then 
i  will  set  down,  in  yure  little  sanktum,  and  whisper  to  you. 

It  iz  so  still  here,  that  a  whisper  sounds  loud ;  a  still  noizo 
iz  another  name,  i  beleave,  for  happiness.  The  bible  sez  : 
"peace,  be  still" 

The  fust  thing  i  do  in  the  morning,  when  i  git  up,  iz  tew 
go  out  and  look  at  the  mountain,  and  see  if  it  i/.  thare,  it  this 
mountain  should  go  away,  how  lonesum  i  should  be. 

Yesterdayi  picked  one  quart  ov  rield  strawberry*,  kaught 
27  trout,  and  gathered  a  whole  parcel!  ov  wintergreeu  leaves, 
•i  biir  daze  work. 


432  MISCELLANEOUS. 

When  i  got  liome  last  night  tired,  no  man  kouldha\  bought 
them  ov  me  for  700  dollars,  but  i  suppoze,  after  all,  that  it 
*vaz  the  tired  that  waz  wuth  the  raunnj. 

TKare  is  a  grate  deal  ov  raw  bliss,  in  gitting  tired. 

Dear  Mi.  -  -  ,  good-bye,  it  iz  now  9  oclk,  P.  M.,  and  every 
thing,  in  New  Ashford,  iz  fast  asleep,  inkluding  the  krickets, 
I  will  just  step  out  and  see  if  the  mountain  iz  thare,  and  then 
I  will  go  to  bed  too. 

Oh!  the  bliss  ov  living  up  in  New  Ashford,  clues  bi  the 
side  ov  a  grate  giant  mountain  tew  guard  yu,  whare  every 
thing  iz  az  still  as  a  boys  tin  whissell  at  midnite,  a  musketo 
couldn't  liv  long  enuif  tew  take  one  bite,  whare  board  iz  only 
•i  dollars  a  week,  and  everyboddy,  kats  and  all,  at  9  clok, 
P.  M,,  are  fast  asleep,  and  snoreing. 


BENDS. 

HISTORIANS  and  biographers  having  refused  tew  giv 
enny  transparent  account  ov   the   various   Bends   that 
hav  got  into  things,  us  naturalists  have  passed  a  resolushnn 
tew  take  them  up  az  a  kind  ov  estrays,  and  tew  treat  of  them 
in  a  joyful  and  flexible  manner. 

The  most  butiful,  az  \vell  ;iz  truest  bilt  Rend,  in  this  grate 
republick,  iz  the  rainbow. 

For  the  informashun  ov  the  scholler  we  shall  simply  state 
that  this  Send  iz  only  seen  in  the  east,  and  haz  not  yet  reach- 
ed the  west,  altho  the  enterprising  people  who  liv  in  thoze 
parts  undoubtedly  will  soon  hav  them,  on  a  mutch  bigger  and 
improved  plan. 

Bends  are  both  natral  and  artyfishall,  and  among  the  natral 
ones  it  will,  perhaps,  be  well  enuff  tew  men  shun  north  Bend, 
in  the  State  ov  Ohio,  the  home  ov  General  Harrison,  formerly 
a  President  ov  the  grate  republick ;  and  also  south  Bend,  in 
the  State  ov  Indiana,  the  residence  ov  Schuyler  Colfax,  who, 
while  i  am  putting  down  these  remarks,  iz  running  very  fast 
for  the  Vice  Presidency  ov  this  grate  republick  with  a  cer 
taiuty  o\  winning  that  iz  butifiil  tew  behold. 

(Later  —  ^Ie  haz  won.) 


BENDS.  4HJI 

Another  wonderful  and  awe-inspiring  Bend  in  this  grate 
republiek  is  the  political  Bend. 

This  Bend  ix  az  connnon  and  az  limber  az  the  fi<r<'er  S. 

oft 

It  kan  sla:id  on  her  lied,  or  <>n  lier  feet, or  lay  down  on  her 
side,  and  be  the  same  thing  all  the  time. 

It  kan  turn  a  summerset  over  backwards,  or  back  asummer- 
ett  over  forwards. 

Menny  ov  our  most  noble  politicians  hav  bent  theirsclfr 
in  diffrent  spots  so  often  that  they  travel  like  a  sick  snake. 

Thare  iz  one  little  Bend,  prakticed  bi  both  old  and  young 
men,  that  haz  opened  the  way  for  more  anguish  than  awl  the 
other  crooks  in  the  world  put  in  a  heap  together,  i  mean  the 
clboJBend,  that  cauzes  the  mout  tew  Hy  ap.-irt  on  its  hinges, 
and  let  the  burglar  whiskee  tew  rob  the  bniin  ov  its  patrimo- 
ny reazon,  and  illuminate  the  soul  with  the  torchlights  ov  the 
devil. 

In  life  matrimonial  we  hav  the  conjugaler  Bend,  which 
brings  a  man  down  on  the  hard  pan  ov  biz  knees,  and  makes 
him  az  eazy,  and  interesting  tew  handle  as  a  rat  in  a  steel 
trap. 

This  iz  a  good  Bend  tew  take  once  in  a  while,  but  never 
ought  tew  git  chronick. 

This  puts  me  in  mind  tew  soliliquize  az  follows: — a  house- 
hold, with  a  woman  at  the  top  ov  it,  and  a  man  at  the  bottom 
ov  it,  iz  one  ov  thoze  concerns  whare  the  wife  haz  authority 
without  power,  whare  the  yung  ones  are  sassy  without  re- 
proach, and  whare  the  husband  iz  meek  without  virtew. 

In  fashionabel  life  a  new  Bend  haz  just  appeared,  (August 
19th,  1868,)  which  iz  under  the  patronage  ov  both  genders' 
the  fop  and  the  belle. 

This  iz  a  dorsal  Bend  near  the  back  fin,  and  gives  the 
wearers  ov  it,  when  in  moshun,  the  appearance  ov  a  hen  tur- 
key making  for  a  woodshed  in  a  heavy  shower  ov  rain. 

I  kno  ov  no  meaning  or  apology  for  this  crook,  only  the 
name  ov  it,  it  iz  called  the  Grecian  Bend,  which  iz  expekted 
tew  sanktify  it. 

I  don't  kno  how  the  present  inhabitants  ov  Greece  do  their 
28* 


43i  MISSELLAJJEOUS. 

travelling ;  they  are  about  played  out,  and  may  be  hump 
backed.  But  if  Solan,  the  ancient  wisdom  maker  and  law- 
giver ov  Athens,  had  caught  one  ov  hiz  gals  with  this  gorge 
in  her  back,  i  will  bet  10  dollars  he  would  hav  ordered  it 
taken  oph  with  a  jack-plane. 

How  long  this  knapsack  gait  will  continncw  to  be  f  ashiona- 
bel  in  New  York,  the  homeov  folly,  whare  just  now  itiz  be- 
ing experimented  with,  i  am  unabel  tew  reply,  but  i  hope  not 
long  enuff  tew  transmit  the  hump  tew  posterity. 

I  love  mi  fair  yung  countrywimmin  with  a  gladness  bord- 
ering on  delirium  tremens,  and  when  a  native  ov  Madagascar, 
not  more  than  haff  civilized,  asked  me  the  other  day,  on 
Broadway,  what  ailed  all  the  yung  squaws  he  met,  i  waz 
forced  tew  hide  a  tear,  and  reply  hurriedly,  in  lo  Duch : 

"!Nix  for  stix !  "  and  shook  oph  the  Madagaskine  cuss 
quick. 

I  don't  know  ov  but  one  thing  now  that  but  few  would 
hanker  for,  if  it  should  ever  bekum  fashionabel  again,  and 
that  iz  good,  square,  pony-bilt  common  sense,  without 
enny  Bend  in  it. 

Common  sense  in  these  times  haz  tew  beg  for  a  living. 
What  an  awful  thing  it  would  be  if  this  Grecian  Bend 
should  refuse  tew  let  go  its  holt,  by-and-by,  when  sum  nu 
crook  in  sum  other  part  ov  the  boddy  should  hump  itself ! 
What  a  lot  ov  unsaleable  females  we  should  hav  thrust  on  the 
market ! 

I  am  in  favour  ov  enny  fashion  that  iz  not  an  open  insult  tew 
natur,  but  i  kant  bear  tew  see  natur  hit  in  the  small  ov  the 
back  ;  it  iz  a  cowardly  blow  on  an  aimabel  critter,  whose  great 
cst  pleasure  iz  tew  harm  noboddy. 


KOLIDING, 

THE  wurd  "  kolide,"  used  bi  ralcrode  men,  haz  an  indefi 
nit  meaning  tew  menny  folks. 
Thru  the  kindness  of  a  nere  and  dear  frend,  i  am  able  tew 


KOLIDIXG. 


435 


translate  the  wurd  so   that  enny  man  kan  understand  it  a' 
onst. 

The  term  "  kolide  "  is  used  tew  explain  the  sarkumstanso 


TEW    LATE    FUR   THE   TRAWI. 

ov  2  trains  ov  cars  triing   tew   pass  each  uther  on  a  single 
trak. 

It  is  ced  that  it  never  yet  haz  bin  did   suckcessf ully,  hence 
a  "  kolide." 

JOSH  BILLINGS. 


A  MEKIKANS  love  canstick   things ;   they  would  prefer 
J\.  turpentine  tew   colone- water,  if   they   had   tew    drink 

either. 

So  with  their  relish  of  humor ;  they  must  hav  it  on  the  half- 
fcliell  with  cayenne. 

An  Englishman  wants  hiz  fun  smothered  deep  in  mint 
sauce,  and  he  iz  willing  tew  wait  till  next  day  before  he  tastes 
it. 


436  MISSELLAXEOUS. 

If  you  tickle  or  convince  an  Amerikan  yu  liav  got  tew  ck 
it  quick. 

An  Amerikan  luvs  tew  laff,  but  lie  don't  luv  tew  make  a 
bizzness  ov  it  ;  he  works,  eats,  and  hawhaws  on  a  canter. 

I  guess  the  English  liav  more  wit,  and  the  Amerikans  more 
humor. 

"We  havn't  had  time,  yet,  tew  bile  down  our  humor  and 
git  the  wit  out  ov  it. 


HAVING  herd  mutch  sed  about  skating  parks,  and  the 
grate  amount  ov  helth  and  muscle  they  woz  imparting 
tew  the  present  generashnn  at  a  slite  advanse  from  fust  cost, 
i  bought  a  ticket  and  went  within  the  fense. 

I  found  the  ice  in  a  slippery  condishun,  covering  about  5 
akers  ov  artiiishall  water,  which  waz  owned  bi  a  stock  com- 
pany, and  froze  tew  order. 

Upon  one  side  ov  the  pond  waz  erekted  little  grosery  build- 
ings, where  the  wimmen  sot  on  benches  while  the  fellers  (kiv- 
vered  with  blushes)  hitched  the  magick  iron  tr\v  their  feet. 

It  waz  a  most  exsiting  scene  :  the  sun  waz  in  the  skey- — and 
the  wind  waz  in  the  air — and  the  birds  were  in  the  South — 
and  the  snow  waz  on  the  ground — and  the  ice  lay  shivering 
with  a  bad  kold — and  angells  (ov  both  genders)  flucktuated 
past  me  pro  and  con,  2  and  fro,  here  a  little  and  thare  a  good 
deal. 

It  waz  a  most  exsiting  scene ;  I  wanted  tew  holler  "  Bully "" 
or  lay  down  and  rool  over. 

But  i  kept  in,  and  aked  with  glory. 

Helth  waz  piktured  on  menny  a  nobell  brow. 

Az  the  femail  angells  put  out  ov  the  pond,  side  by  side 
with  the  male  angells,  it  waz  the  most  powerfull  scene  i  ever 
stood  behind. 

The  long  red  tape  from  their  necks  swum  in  the  breeze, 
and  the  feathers  in  their  jockeys  fluttered  in  tlie  breeze  anj 


TI1K  FALLEN  ANGELL. 


437 


other  things  (tew  mutch  to  menshun)  fluttered  in  the   breeze 
I  don't  think  i  ever  waz  more  crazy  before  in   mi   life — on 

ice. 

For  2  long  hours  i  stood  and  gazed  with   dmn   exi-itement 
I  felt  like  a  kanall  hoss  turned  suddinly  out  to  grass. 
I  didn't  kno  how  tew  proceed. 
Az  one  ov  the  angells,  more  sudden  than  all  the  rest,  cum 


flying  down  the  trak,  3  lengths  ahed  ov  her  male  angeli,  RWJ 
eyes  ware  gorging   with  her  heavenly  bust   uv   .~j>ei>d  ;  slm 


438  M1SSELLAXEOUS. 

seemed  tew  hav  cut  luce  from  earth,  and  waz  bound  South, 
for  the  Cape  ov  Good  Hope,  when  awl  tew  oust,  with  gorgor.s 
cwoop  terriffick,  down-crumbling  into  a  limpid  heap  she  went 
with  squeak  terriffick,  a  living  lovely  mass  ov  disastrous  skirt 
and  tapring  ankle. 

Awl  gathered  around  the  bursted  angell ;  but  lo  !  in  a  mii> 
nitt's  space,  her  wings  agin  was  plumed,  and  evry  feather 
waz  in  its  lawful  plase  ;  and  on  she  fled  laffing  like  wine  thru 
its  buteous  blushes. 

I  had  saw  enuff — more  happyness  than  belonged  tew  me — 
and  az  i  sloly  wended  back  tew  mi  home  at  the  tavern  i  felt 
— good. — 


WRITERS  AT  SHORT  RANGE. 

DEAR  Mr. :  Your  letter  to  me  this  moin- 
ing  for  more  copy  haz  given  birth  to  the  follering  home 
made  refleckshuns  upon  thoze   short    skribblers,  who,  like 
miself,  infest  the  virtewous  press. 

It  may  look  like  an  eazy  task  tew  thoze  who  never  tried  it, 
tew  write  a  half  a  collum  ov  comik  essa  each  week,  and  it  iz 
an  eazy  task  to  thoze  who  never  tried  it,  but  to  thoze  who  hav 
tried  it,  and  who  hav  even  snckceeded  but  a  few  inches,  it  YA 
a  good  deal  like  lifting  things  that  are  tied  down. 

In  the  first  place  a  comik  essa  mu^t  hav  a  short  back,  be 
sharp  on  the  withers,  not  tew  long  legged,  Kind  in  all  harness.; 
hard  to  skare,  and  able  to  show  2:rO  to  a  road  waggon. 

The  power  ov  a  eornik  essa  resides  in  its  idea,  either  origi 
nal  or  admirably  stolen,  not  in  its  words,  strung  out  lazily  like 
a  snake  sunning  himself  in  the  sand. 

It  iz  no  place  for  yure  short  essayer  to  hide  among  the 
debris  ov  abstrakted  thoughts,  or  skulk  behind  aflame  colored 
paragraff,  or  doze  in  recital  upon  an  ebb  tide,  or  hammer  out 
an  iron  proposishun  into  points  more  or  less  dull,  or  quote 
latin,  or  bad  french,  but  he  must  be  az  short  az  a  mizeboy"? 
prayer,  ;>7  sudden  az  the  end  ov  a  rope,  az  quick  az  a  sneeze, 
and  a/  brilliant  in  Ir'z  busts  az  a  ski  rocket. 


W1UTEUS  AT  SHOUT  RANGE. 

Awl  real  strength  iz  short;  thinks  are  broke,  or  his  ted 
with  a  jerk  ;  comik  essayers  must  rani  pages  into  pamgralTs; 
wit,  or  humor,  iz  something  like  ginger  pop — thare  is  about 
as  mutch  in  the  pop,  that  is  interesting,  as  thare  iz  in  the  gin- 
ger. 

Theze  short  essays  are  like  buckwheat  slap-jacks  ;  evrvbodd? 
seems  tew  like  them  hot,  and  tew  git  them  hot  iz  jest  where 
the  little  joker  cums  in. 

A  lukewarm  comik  essay  haz  no  more  fun  in  it  than  a 
Dutch  konumdrum  tew  a  man  who  don't  understand  the 
language. 

I  often  git  letters  from  sum  of  our  best  philanthropisters 
who  love  me,  tliay  say,  and  who  wonder  whi  i  don't  write 
sum  longer  things.  Awl  I  kan  say  tew  them  iz,  that  a  short 
bilt  writer  i/  often  dull  enuff,  and  a  longbilt  one  iz  necessisarily 
so.  A  streak  ov  lazy  lightning,  a  mile  long,  that  anyboddy 
kan  dodge,  soon  loozes  awl  its  novelty. 

Thare  iz  grate  power  in  words,  if  yu  don't  hitch  tew  menny 
ov  them  together ;  but  their  only  power  iz  the  interprerashun 
ov  ideas  ;  and  the  more  ginger  you  kan  git  intu  the  pod  tho 
better  the  dose. 

Sum  men  are  never  so  brilliant  as  when  they  don't  make 
enny  remarks,  and  no  man  needn't  git  mad  at  himself  bekauze 
he  haz  sed  a  good  thing  without  wasting  a  word. 

A  comik  essayer  haz  got  tew  have  a  sprinkling  ov  the 
monkey  in  him ;  he  must  akt  sensible  things  strangely  ;  it  iz 
not  an  eazy  task  tew  be  a  good  monkey,  nor  will  it  exackly 
answer  tew  be  an  artyfishall  monkey  ;  the  deviltry  in  a  monkey 
iz  natral — if  it  want,  it  wouldn't  be  funny,  but  ridikilous. 

Az  i  hav  sed  on  a  feuter  occasion  before,  it  iz  eaziertew  bo 
a  good  critick,  than  a  poor  writer,  but  i  am  the  last  man  te\r 
giv  enny  man  mutch  credit,  for  being  able  tew  find  fault. 

If  enny  ov  yuro  readers,  Dear  Mr.—  —,  or  enny 

ov  the  fust  klass  philanthropisters  or  philanthropisterisses,  hav 
got  anny  spare  kapital  lieing  idle,  they  would  like  tew  insert  into 
the  comik  essa  bizness,  i  am  reddy  tew  sell  out  mi  small  stock, 
good  will  and  fixtures,  and  i  will  (quietly  go  into  the  frogs  hiud 


440  MISRELLAXEOUS. 

legg  trade,  and  at  the  end  ov  90  days,  if  they  don't  find  the 
silver-plated  nonsense  bizzness  harder  tew  steer  than  they 
think  it  iz,  i  will  giv  them  credit  for  having  a  good  stock  ov 
brains  or  impudense,  i  don't  know  whitch. 

A  man  who  iz  on  a  jnrney,  iz  expekted  tew  go  slow,  and 
git  dull,  but  if  he  iz  on  an  errand  he  iz  expekted  tew  be  lively, 
it  iz  jistly  thus  with  yure  long  and  ynre  class  bilt  writers. 

I  hope  thoze  who  take  the  pain  tew  rend  this  squiblet,  will 
giv  me  credit  for  writing  what  i  think,  if  it  ain't  so  sarching 
and  brilliant,  and  i  would  thank  thoze  who  scmioftenly 
advice  me  tew  pump  more  power  and  doxology  into  what 
i  write,  tew  purchase  me  out  and  sett  up  the  hot  paragraff 
trade  theirselfs,  and  giv  us  wit  on  the  haft-shell,  nitroglycerine 
humor,  fun  soaked  in  kamphene,  jests  crazy  tew  go  oph  at 
haff  cock,  and  raw  sense  that  will  make  a  saw-hoss  latf. 

I  am  mad  that  i  ever  set  sail  in  the  comik  essa  schooner, 
tew  be  so  often  caught  on  the  flats,  and  if  i  could  git  out  of  it 
now  and  hav  enny  karakter  at  all  left  i  would  grab  at  the 
offer. 

1  will  stop  hi  saying  that  it  iz  a  darn  sight  eazier  tew  write 
too  mutch  than  it  iz  too  little,  and  awl  comik  attempts,  must 
be  quick  tew  win,  for  folks  wont  bear  but  little  phooling  at 
once  on  enny  subjik,  and  i  say  bully  for  you,  folks. 


BEAU  BENXET'S  SUPPLIKASIIFN. 

KIND  Fortune,  teach  thi  servant  humility,  but  let  no 
sneak  ov  an  upstart  outshine  him  in  things  that  are  styl- 
ish. 

Giv  unto  me  morality  copious  ;  and  may  mi  shirt  kollars 
be  stiffer  than  china  and  whiter  than  snoballs  in  -winter. 

Smile,  thou  goddess  dear,  at  mi  mustash,  and  may  mi  wis- 
dum  be  grate — even  like  unto  Solaman's. 

Grant  that  i  may  a  pattern  be,  worthy  ov  all  imitashun, 
and  that  i  able  may  be  to  wear  a  boot  number  5  on  these  nun> 
her  10  feet  ov  mine. 


BEAU  13EN  NET'S  SLTPLIKASlll  N. 


441 


Fill  up  mi  kup  tew  the  brim's  verry  top  with  honor  and 
honesty,  and  make  mi  neckties  mine  enemies  tew  smite  with 
sorrow  and  silent  confushion. 

Take  away  from  me  rll  vanity,  but  grant  that  mi  Sunday 
panterloons  may  fit  me,  even  ax  korn  titteth  the  kob. 

Remove  far  from  rue,  O  gentle  Fortune  !  all  pride  and  vain 
rsteutashun,  bn  t 
grant  that  mi  name 
aiming  w  i  in  m  i  n 
may  ever  be  spo- 
ken in  acksents  of 
gladness. 

Make    my 


heart     - 


te.v  glisten  w  i  t  h 
charily,  but  teach 
mi  trivlor  and  shu- 
inak-j!1  how  tew 
wait  f  •>•  their  mun- 
ny  and  be  happy. 

Let  mi  heart  feast 
on  the  truth,  bnt 
smile  tli  ou  upon 
mi  kork  leg  and 
periwig  nobby. 

Remove  far  from 
me  all  gl  u  1  1  o  n  y, 

but  preserve  mi  appetight  for  toast  with  a  quail  on  it  in  all 
its  original  buty. 

Teach  me  tew  shim  all  decepshun,  but  help  me  tew  marry 
a  big  pile  at  last,  making  sum  maiden  or  yiing  widdo  happy. 

Take  away  from  my  heart  all  envy,  but  grant,  kind  For* 
hine,  that  mi  hat  kant  be  beat,  nor  the  lavender  tint  ov  mi 
gloves  be  exceeded. 

Fill  me  with  courage  true  and  reddy,  but  if  enny  man  offers 
tew  smote  me,  giv  tew  mi  feet  the  fleetness  ov  venson  and 
mi  legs  the  speed  ov  the  roebuck. 

Remove  all  affektaslnm  far  from  me,  but  enable  me  tew  keep 
up  appearances,  if  i  hav  tew  cheat  a  little  tew  do  it. 


MISSELLANEOUS. 

Abuv  all  things  with  modesty  shower  me.  Yea !  make  ine 
all  dripping  wet,  but  don't  let  me  looze  a  good  chance  mi  nu 
koat  tew  spread  before  the  eyes  ov  men  filled  with  envy. 

Make  me  at  all  times  ov  the  poor  heathen-  thoughtful,  at 
church  not  forgetting  the  platter  tew  annoint  with  a  10  cent 
plaster. 

Remove  from  me  all  gra  hares,  and  pimples,  all  bunyons,  and 
korns  pestiverous,  and  grant  that  mi  calfs  may  still  fatten  on 
saw  durst,  and  mi  cheeks  feed  upon  plumpers,  and  mi  harte 
ever  buble  and  bile  over  with  mersv. 

Teach  me  mi  kane  tew  whirl  so  pekuliar,  and  my  mustash 
tew  twist  into  such  long  draun  out  sweetness  that  all  the  peo- 
ple shall  kail  me  u  Yung  Purity" 

Smile  thou  !  upon  all  hatters  and  barbers,  all  shirt-makers 
and  gloviers,  all  perfumers  and  dentisU,  all  wash-wimminand 
shu  blaks,  and  forgiv  them  the  dets  i  may  owe  them,  and 
kauze  me  tew  weep  over  man  and  hiz  menny  misfortins. 

Bless  all  maids  ov  estate,  all  widdo's  with  munny,  all  moth- 
ers ov  fashion  with  dauters  tew  marry,  all  good  matches  lay- 
ing around  loose,  but  chiefly  giv  me  a  consilience  full  ov 
aroma. 

Lengthen  out,  kind  Fortune,  the  days  ov  mi  unkle,  but 
should  he  slip  away  sudden,  bow  me  down  with  sorrow  be- 
kurning. 

Listen  !  dear  Fortune,  listen  ! — giv  me  the  style  ov  heart 
breaking  Adonis,  let  the  virtews  all  seek  mi  acquaintansc, 
and  feed  witji  nu  fires  exquisit  the  soltaire  that  burns  on  mi 
buzz  urn. 

I  will  raize  thee  an  alter,  kind  Fortune,  an  alter  az  hi  az  a 
lamp  post,  if  theze  mi  prayers  are  answered — farewell  for  the 
present — don't  go  back  on  Beau  Bennett,  the  butiful ! ! 


A  LEKTUEE  TO  MALE  YOUNG  MEN  ONLY. 

YU  are  about  2  begin  life,  yung  men,  for  the  fust  time, 
and  i  suppose  thare  wud  be  no  impropriety  m  mi  saing, 
tor  the  last  time  tew. 


A  LEKTURE  TO  MALE  YOl'XU  MEN  ONLV.      44,'J 

It  ishily  important  or  thereabouts,  that  yu  set  down  in  sum 
kool  plase,  and  take  an  honest  akount  ov  stok,  or  in  other 
wurds,  less  poetick  but  equally  tru,  yu  sarch  out  the  raniitika- 
shun  ov  natur,  and  see  what  natiir  liaz  ramified  yu  for. 

Now  Skriptur  will  tell  yu,  that  men  don't  gether  pigs  from 
thissels,  neitlier  dus  the  husband,  nor  hiz  wife,  nor  enny  ov 


his  rolaslmns,  plant  korn  when  tha  are  after  pumpkins,  nof 
sow  Imkwheat,  when  he  iz  a  lookin  for  old  rye. 

Kauze  and  affeck  iz  anuther  awful  good  thing  to  studdy ; 
yu  will  find  this  talked  ov  in  Dan  Webster's  dicktionary. 

Having  follered  the  above  advise,  and  having  hefted  tho 
above  reasoning,  yu  will  cum  tew  the  konklusion  whether  it 
iz  best  for  yu  tu  studdy  law  or  studdv  slnimakinir,  both  of 

*/  «/  •- 

them  honerabil  biznisses,  and  equally  kondusiv  tew  ln-lth. 
Yu  will  also  be  enabled  tew  bet  with  dispatch,  whether  yn 


444  MISCELLANEOUS. 

hav  a  kail,  tew  preach  the  gospil,  or  sel  yankee  noshuns  at 
auction,  both  ov  them  respektuous,  if  honestla  follared,  and 
both  ov  them  liabel  tew  be  led  estra,  and  end  at  laste  in  the 
bronkeetis. 

The  studdy  ov  medisin  will  present  itself  and  flap  its  wings 
and  crow,  but  it  kant  fule  yu,  bekause  yu  have  sot  down,  as 
rekomended  above,  and  tuk  akount  ovyure  liabilitys,  and  kno 
tew  a  spot  whether  yu  air  konstructed  rite  for  a  veteran  sur- 
^SOQ  amung  hosses,  or  hav  the  rite  natur  for  dealing  out  kal- 
tjnil  &  gallup  amung  men,  wimmin  <fc  childrin. 

Yu  will  likewize  hav  it  in  yure  power  tew  gess  clussly 
between  being  a  kolporter  or  keeping  a  billiard  tabil ;  if  yu 
find  that  ynrc  goose  iz  morall}7  sound,  yu  will  itinerate  at 
onst,  but  if  yu  diskiver  a  leak  in  yure  base,  yu  will  take  up 
yure  cue,  naturally  &  akordinly. 

Selling  dri  goods  and  blaksmithing  wil  klaim  yure  especial 
notis,  and  wil  bother  yu  dredfully  for  a  verdik  ;  but  if  yu  find 
yu  hav  kalico  on  the  brain,  &  aint  afraid  tew  stretch  the  cloth 
&  the  truth  a  little,  \vhen  yu  mezure  it,  yu  will  straddle  the 
kounter  like  an  ingyrubber  clothes  pin,  and  smile  on  yure 
kusknners  like  a  sleeping  babe  trubbled  with  dreams. 

Yu  wil,  without  doubt,  be  asked  tu  sa  whether  yu  wil  be  a 
pollytisian  or  a  blakleg,  both  equally  honorabil. 

If  yu  hav  euny  reasonable  douts  about  cheatin  yure  moste 
intimate  friends,  and  aint  willing  tew  be  seen  in  low  grogerys 
on  lecktion  daze,  buying  votes  with  cheap  whiskaand  kounter- 
fit  munny,  "and  dont  expek  tewr  buy  elekshun,  and  then  sell 
yure  prinsiples  tew  git  even  ;  if  yu  kant  go  this,  and  tend  awl 
the  churches  near  yu  in  rotashun,  and  hear  folks  sa,  'k  What 
an  ornyment  to  sosiety  he  iz  !"  i  sa,  if  yu  kant  go  all  this  with- 
out blushing,  yu  will  ov  course  adopt  the  blakleg,  and  gain 
an  honest  living  bi  cheatin  on  the  square. 

Yung  men  yu  will  awl  detek  in  this  lekture  a  frendla  feel 
ing  towards  yu  bi  the  author,  and  if  yu  f  oiler  the  direckshuns 
laid  down  above,  yu  wil  diskiver  the  wiggling  ovyure  genius, 
in  time  perhaps,  tew  saive  yureselfs  from  cuming  the  gove 
nnr  ov  sum  str.to,  when  natur  kindly  ramified  yu  for  a  carpen 
te.-  and  jiner. 


FEMALE  REMARKS.  445 

FEMALE  REMARKS. 

DEAR  Girls,  are  yu  in  sarch  ov  a  husband  ? 
This  is  a  pumper,  and  yu  are  not  required  tew  say  "  Yes ' 
out  loud,  but  are  expekted  tew  throw  yure  eyes  down  ont<: 
the  earth,  az  tho  yu  waz  looking  for  a  pin,  and  reply  tew  the 
interrogatory,  with  a  kind  ov  draud-in  sigh,  az  tho  vu  waz 
eating  an  oyster,  juice  and  all,  oft'  from  the  half  shell. 

Not  tew  press  so  tender  a  theme  untill  it  bekums  a  thorn 
in  the  flesh,  we  will  presume  (tew  avoid  argument)  that  vu 
are  on  the  look-out  for  sumthing  in  the  male  line  tew  boost 
yu  in  the  up-hill  ov  life,  and  tew  keephiz  eye  on  the  britching 
when  yu  begin  tew  go  down  the  other  side  of  the  mountain. 
Let  me  give  yu  sum  small  chunks  ov  advice  how  tew  spot 
yure  fewter  hussband : 

1.  The  man  who  iz  jellous  ov  every  liMle  attenshun  which 
yu  git  from  sum  other  fellow,  yu  will  {:n<l,  afler  yu  are  mar- 
ried tu  him,  luvs  himself  more  than  he  duz  yu,  :  nd  what  yu 
mistook  for  solissitude,  yu  will  diskover,  has  changed  into 
indifference.     Jellousy  isn't  a  heart -disease ;  it  is  a  Ifver-kom- 
plaint. 

2.  A  mustash  is  not  indispensible ;  it  iz  only  a  little  more 
hair,  and  iz  a  good  deal  like  moss  and  other  excressences — 
often  duz  the  best  on  sile  that  won't  raize  ennything  else. 
Don't  forgit  that  thoze  things  which  yu  admire  in  a  phellow 
before  marriage,  yu  will  probably  hav  tew  admire  in  a  huss- 
band after,  and  a  mustash  will  git  tew  be  very  weak  diet  after 
a  long  time. 

3.  If  hussbands  could  be  took  on  trial,  az  irish-cooks  are, 
two-thirds  ov  them  would  probably  be  returned ;  but  thare 
don't  seem  tew  be  enny  law  for  this.     Tharefore,  girls,  yu  will 
see  that  after  yu  git  a  man,  yu  hav  got  tew  keep  him,  even 
if  yu  loose  on  him.     Consequently,  if  yu  hav  got  enny  kokl 
vitles  in  the  house,  try  him  on  them,  once  in  a  while,  during 
courting  season,  and  if  he  swallers  them  well,  and  sez  he  will 
take  sum  more,  he  is  a  man  who,  when  blue  Monday  cums 
will  wash  veil. 


446  MISSELLANEOUS. 

4.  Don't  marry  a  pheller  who  iz  alwus  a-telling  how  lux 
mother  dnz  things.     It  iz  az  hard  tew  suit  these  men  as  it  iz 
tew  wean  a  yung  one. 

5.  If  a  yung  man  kan  beat  yu  playing  on  a  pianner,  and 
kant  hear  a  fish-horn  playing  in  the  street  without  turning  a 
back  summersett  on  account  ov  the  musick  that  iz  in  him,  i 
say,  skip  him ;  he  might  answer  tew  tend  babe,  but  if  yu  sett 
him  tew  hoeing  out  the  garden,  yu  will  find  that  yu  hav  got 
tew  do  it  yureself.     A  man  whoze  whole  heft  lies  in  musick 
(and  not  very  hefty  at  that),  ain't  no  better  for  a  husband 
than  a  seedlit/.  powder ;  but  if  he  luvs  tew  listen  while  yu  sing 
sum  gentle  ballad,  yu  will  find  him  mellow,  and  not  soft. 
But  don't  marry  enny  boddy  for  jist  one  virtew  enny  quicker 
than  yu  would  flop  a  man  for  jist  one  fault. 

6.  It  iz  one  of  the  most  tuffest  things  for  a  female  tew  be 
an  old  maid  successfully.     A  great  menny  haz  tried  it,  and 
made  a  bad  job  ov  it.      Evryboddy  seems  tew  look  upon  old 
maids  jist  az  they  do  upon  dried  harbs — in  the  garret,  handy 
for  sickness — and,  tharefore,  girls,  it  aint  a  mistake  that  yu 
should  be  willing  tew  swop  yurself   oph,  with  some   true 
phellow,  for  a  hussband.     The  swop  iz  a  good  one ;  but  don't 
swop  for  enny  man  who  iz  respektabel  jist  bekause  his  father 
iz.     You  had  better  be  an  old  maid  for  4  thousand  years,  and 
then  join  the  Shakers,  than  tew  buy  repentance  at  this  price. 
No    woman   ever  made  this   trade    who  didn't  git  either  a 
phool,  a  mean  cuss,  or  a  clown  for  a  hussband. 

7.  In   digging  down  into  his  subject,  i  find  the  digging 
grows  harder  the  further  i  git.     It  iz  mutch  easier  tew  inform 
yu  who  not  tew  marry,  than  who  tew,  for  the  reason  thare  iz 
more  ov  them. 

I  don't  think  yu  will  foller  mi  advise,  if  i  giv  it ;  and, 
tharefore,  i  will  keep  it ;  for  i  look  upon  advise  as  i  do  upon 
castor  ile — a  mean  dose  tew  giv,  and  a  mean  dose  tew  take. 

But  i  must  say  one  thing,  girls,  or  spile.  If  you  kan  find 
a  bright-eyed,  healthy,  and  well-ballasted  boy,  who  looks  upon 
ooverty  az  sassy  az  a  child  looks  upon  wealth — who  had 
rather  sit  down  on  the  curb-stun,  in  front  ov  the  5th  avenue 


PRIVATE  OPINYUNS.  447 

hotel,  and  eat  a  ham  sandwitch,  than  tew  go  inside,  and  run  in 
debt  for  hiz  dinner  and  toothpick — one  who  iz  armed  with 
that  kind  ov  pluck,  that  mistakes  a  defeat  for  a  victory,  mi 
advise  is  tew  take  him  boddy  and  soul — si  »re  him  at  oust, 
for  he  iz  a  stray  trout,  or  a  breed  very  skase  in  ^^r  waters. 

Take  him  i  say,  and  bild  onto  him,  az  hornets  bild  on  to  a 
tree. 


PRIVATE  OPINYUXS. 

MI  private  opinyun  iz — that  politeness  iz  about  the  only 
profeshion  ov  humans  that  i  endorse  without  looking 
into. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz — that  the  man  who  cheats  me,  iz  a 
good  deal  mi  inferior. 

Mi  private  opinyun  of  Fame  i/ — ihat  it  konsists  in  being 
praized  wrongfully  while  yu  liv,  and  being  damd  inkorektly 
when  yu  are  ded,  and  the  very  best  it  kan  do  for  enny  man, 
iz  tew  make  him  respektably  forgotten. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz— that  a  bad  joke,  iz  like  a  bad  eg, 
all  the  wuss  for  being  cracked. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz — that  manufaktring  phun  for  other 
pholks  amusement,  iz  like  hatching  out  egs,  a  sober,  stiddy 
bizzness. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz — that  originality  in  writing  waz 
played  out  long  ago,  and  the  very  best  that  enny  man  kan  do, 
iz  tew  steal  with  good  judgement,  and  then  own  it  like  a 
man. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz— that  the  most  that  learning  kan  do 
for  us,  iz  tew  teach  us  how  little  we  kno. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  civilashun  iz— that  it  alwus  ends  in 
luxury,  and  luxury  alwus  ends  in  destruckshun.  The  bar- 
barians hav  alwus  outlasted  the  Christians,  i  am  dredful  sorry 
for  this,  but  i  kant  help  it. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  dandys  iz— that  they  are  rnoralj 
hybrid,  and  i  guess  they  are  otn-j.  "-'vs  too. 


448 


MIS  SELL  AXEOUS. 


Mi  private  opinyun  iz — that  when  a  man  haint  got  enn;y 
thing  tew  say,  then  iz  the  best  time  not  tew  say  it. 

My  private  opinyim  iz — that  sum  men  did  aktually  spring 
from  the  monkey,  and  didn't  hav  fur  tew  spring  neither. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  Rum  iz — that  the  man  who  sells  it 
to  hiz  fello  man  iz  wuss  than  a  hiwayman — the  hi  way  man 

demands  yure  mun- 
ny  or  yure  life — the 
rum  seller  demands 
both. 

Mi  private  opin 
yun  ov  "  Wimmin's 
Rites"  iz— that  na- 
tur  haz  fi  x  t  them 
jist  about  rite,  and 
natur  never  under- 
lets a  kontrakt,  nor 
baks  out  ov  a  posi- 
shun. 

Mi  private  opin- 
yun iz — that  humor 
ouslektures  kan  nev- 
er be  a  suck  cess,  for 
two  reasons — one  iz, 
bekauze  most  people 
look  upon  the  men  who  makes  them  latf  az  vastly  inferior  to 
them,  and  the  other  iz,  bekauze  a  writer  in  the  Aflantik 
Monthly  sez  so. 

My  private  opinyim  ov  sektarian  religion  iz — that  it  iz 
like  sider  drawn  from  a  musty  kask,  it  alwus  tastes  ov  the 
kask.  Thoze  who  at  last  enter  Heaven  may  find  the  outer 
walls  plakarded  with  kreeds,  but  they  wont  find  enny  on  the 
inside. 

Mi  private  opinyim  iz — that  virtew  iz  better  than  gold,  but 
i  also  hav  bin  told  than  10  dollars  in  gold  will  go  farther 
towards  bilding  a  church,  or  a  hoss  ralerode,  than  all  the 
piety  ov  Moses. 


PRIVATE  OPINYUNS.  449 

Mi  private  opinytm  ov  human  natur  iz — that  it  is  like  a 
setting  hen,  just  as  krazy  tew  set  whare  thare  aint  no  egs  as 
whare  thare  iz. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  Adam  iz — that  without  enny  experi- 
ence at  all,  in  running  the  machine,  he  dun  jist  as  well  as  the 
man  ov  to-day  would  do,  let  him  step  into  Paradise  to- 
morrow. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  sparking  iz — that  az  a  rekreashun, 
it  iz  delightful,  but  when  it  settles  down  into  a  stiddy  bizz- 
ness,  it  iz  like  hash  3  times  a  day,  rather  mixt  phood. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz — that  the  man  who  mistakes  a  surly 
temper  for  superior  intelligence,  iz  like  a  toothless  kur,  who 
got  whipt  in  hiz  last  fite,  and  iz  a  going  tew  git  lickt  in  his 
next  one. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz — that  a  young  man  oftner  neglekts 
hiz  genius  for  sawing  wood  than  he  does  for  writing  poetry. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz — that  adversity  and  temtashun  are 
the  very  best  kind  ov  tests  ov  virtew. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  all  bores  iz — that  the  gimblet  kind 
iz  the  most  sarching. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  human  happiness  iz — that  it  iz  like 
Joner's  gourd,  it  often  looses  in  a  nite  all  that  it  gru  in  a 
day. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  angels  on  arth,  az  far  az  I  hav 
sarched  iz — from  fair  to  midling. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  a  braggart  iz — that  he  iz  a  sheep  in 
wolfs  clothing. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  a  prude  iz,  that  their  gratest 
anxiety  iz  tew  have  their  propriety  tempted. 

My  private  opinyun  ov  a  coquet  iz,  that  if  they  suckceed 
in  dicing  an  old  maid,  they  don't  deserve  all  the  punishment 
they  receive. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  woman  iz,  that  she  i/.  a  natral  brick, 
and  she  iz  a  phool  just  in  proporshun  that  she  don't  kno  it. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  mothers-in-law  iz,  that  they  seldum 
stop  short  ov  their  mishun,  but  are  fully  equal  tew  the  ocka 

shun. 

29J 


450  MISSELLANEOUS. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  boys  iz,  if  i  hadn't  been  one  onee 
miself,  and  a  tuff  one  at  that,  i  should  feel  like  sending  the 
whole  ov  them,  for  life,  to  Botany  Bay. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  girls  iz,  the  fame  az  it  waz  40  years 
ago,  when  i  fust  phell  in  luv  with  one  ov  them. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  the  mass  ov  mankind  iz,  that  they 
liav  got  more  branes  in  their  hearts  than  they  hav  in  their 
heds,  and  i  ain't  sorry  for  it  neither. 

Mi  private  opinyun  iz,  that  politeness  haz  won  more  sudden 
viktorys  than  logick  haz. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  molassis  iz,  that  while  it  iz  dreadful 
sweet,  it  iz  dreadful  sticky  too. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  dogs  iz,  that  their  affeckshun  ought 
almost  tew  make  them  immortal. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  cats  iz,  that  Judas  Iskarriot  ought 
tew  hav  owned  the  fust  one,  and  the  last  one  too. 

My  private  opinyun  ov  a  mule  iz,  that  he  never  waz  known 
tew  hit  enuy  thing  he  kouldn't  reach,  but  iz  alwus  reddy  tew 
try  it. 

Mi  private  opinyun  ov  miself  iz  that  while  i  keep  both 
eyes  on  mi  nabor  1  hope  they  wont  fail  tew  keep  one  eye  on 
me. 

My  private  opinyun  iz  that  here  iz  a  good  place  tew  halt, 
i  am  a  big  phool  if  i  don't  halt. 


A    SUGGESTSHTN. 

The  morning  paper  iz  just  az  necessary  for  an  Amerikan 
az  dew  iz  to  the  grass. 

Hot  kakes  and  kaughphy,  kodphish  bawls,  and  hash  are  use- 
ful, but  the  morning  paper  iz  vittles  and  drink. 

An  Amerikan  who  haz  not  red  the  morning  nuze  iz  not 

O 

more  than  haff  edukated  for  that  day  ;  he  goes  tew  hiz  bizz- 
ness  haft-doubtful  and  haff-ashamed  ov  himself  ;  he  iz 
afrade  tew  look  hiz  nabor  in  the  face,  and  ackts  az  ignorant  az 
a  man  in  a  strange  land  who  don't  understand  the  language. 
Every  man  he  meets  thru  the  day  tells  him  sumthing  nn, 
and  when  he  goze  home  at  nite  he  iz  az  silent  and  misterious 
tew  the  wife  ov  hiz  buzzum  az  tho  he  had  lost  sumthing. 


ON  COURTING.  4M 

There  iz  lots  ov  pholks  who  git  all  their  laming  out  ov  flic 
morning  paoers,  and  when  they  hav  2  collums  ov  it  laid  in 
they  are  a/,  phatt  with  usephull  knowledge  ax  the  sekretarv 
ov  a  sowing  sosiety. 

They  go  round  az  glib  az  a  boy's  windmill  in  a  good 
breeze ;  they  ain't  afraid  to  button-hole  cnnybody  and  talk 
incessintly  tew  the  boy  on  the  korner  while  he  shines  up  hiz 
shuze. 

The  man  who  hain't  red  the  morning  paper,  and  the  man 
who  haz,  are  about  alike  uneaxy  tew  encounter.  The  one 
who  haint,  ix  az  kross  az  a  dog  who  haint  got  enny  bone,  and 
the  other  phellow  iz  az  stiff  in  the  back  az  the  dog  who  haz 
got  two. 

I  luv  miself  tew  read  the  morning  paper,  and  i  alsoluv  tew 
go  onst  in  a  while  away  over  on  the  other  side  ov  the  moun- 
tain, whare  thare  aint  enny  morning  paper,  and  set  down, 
and  feel  ignorant  all  day.  It  ix  like  turning  an  old  boss  out 
tew  grass,  and  gitting  the  oats  all  out  ov  him. 

This  ceaseless  hankering  after  nuze  iz  a  good  way  tew  forgit 
life,  but  iz  not  the  best  way  tew  enjoy  it.  It  iz  often  only  a 
mania,  and  it  iz  quite  az  often  the  kase  that  what  a  man  learns 
in  this  way  to  day,  he  phinds  out  tomorrow  aint  so. 

But  an  Amerikan  kant  git  along  without  hiz  morning 
paper.  Red  hot  nuze  iz  just  as  necessary  tew  him  tew  begin 
the  day  with  az  sider  brandy  fresh  from  the  still  iz  to  an  old 
toper. 


ON  COURTING. 

/COURTING  is  a  luxury,  it  is  sallad,  it  is  ise  water,  it  is  a 
\J  beveridge,  it  is  the  pla  spell  ov  the  soul. 

The  man  who  has  never  courted  haz  lived  in  vain  ;  he  haz 
bin  a  blind  man  aiming  landskapes  and  waterskapes;  he  has 
bin  a  deif  man  in  the  land  ov  hand  orgins,  and  by  the  nide  ot 
murmuring  canals. 


452  MISSELLANEOUS. 

Courting  iz  like  2  little  springs  ov  soft  water  that  steal  out 
from  under  a  rock  at  the  fut  ov  a  mountain  and  run  down 
the  hill  side  by  side  singing  and  dansing  and  spatering  each 
uther,  eddying  and  frothing  and  kaskading,  now  hiding  under 
bank,  now  full  ov  sun  and  now  full  ov  shadder,  till  bimeby 
tha  jine  and  then  tha  go  slow. 

I  am  in  faver  ov  long  courting  ;  it  gives  the  parties  a  chance 
to  find  out  each  uther' s  trump  kards,  it  iz  good  exercise,  and 
is  jist  as  innersent  as  2  merino  lambs. 

Courting  iz  like  strawberries  and  cream,  wants  tew  be  did 
slow,  then  yu  git  the  flaver. 

Az  a  ginral  thing  i  wouldn't  brag  on  uther  gals  mutch  when 
i  waz  courting,  it  mite  look  az  tho  yu  knu  tew  mutch. 

If  yu  will  court  3  years  in  this  wa,  awl  the  time  on  the  square 
if  yu  don't  sa  it  iz  a  leettle  the  slikest  time  in  yure  life,  yu  kan 
git  measured  for  a  hat  at  my  expense,  and  pa  for  it. 

Don't  court  for  munny,  nor  buty,  nor  relashuns,  theze  things 
are  jist  about  az  onsartin  as  the  kerosene  ile  refining bissness, 
liabel  tew  git  out  ov  repair  and  bust  at  enny  minnit. 

Court  a  gal  for  fun,  for  the  luv  yu  bear  her,  for  the  vartue 
and  bissness  thare  is  in  her;  court  her  for  a  wife  and  for  a 
mother,  court  her  as  yu  wud  court  a  farm — for  the  strength 
ov  the  sile  and  the  parfeckshun  ov  the  title  ;  court  her  as  tho 
ehe  want  a  fule,  and  yu  a  imther  ;  court  her  in  the  kitchen,  in 
the  parlor,  over  the  wash-tub,  and  at  the  pianner;  court  this 
wa,  yung  man,  and  if  yu  don't  git  a  good  wife  and  she  don't 
git  a  good  hustband,  the  fait  won't  be  in  the  courting. 

Yung  man,  yu  kan  rely  upon  Josh  Billings,  and  if  yu  kant 
make  these  rules  wurk  jist  send  for  him  and  he  will  sho  yn 
how  the  thing  is  did,  and  it  shant  kost  yu  a  cent. 


LATEST  NUZEPAPEK  TATLINGS. 

EBENEZEK  SMITH  haz  sold  out  hiz  tannrey  at  Pordun* 
hollow,  and  bout  a  house  on  5th  avenew. 
The  lovely  Bridget  McGuire  (nee  chambermaid"*  will  be 


LATEST  NUZEPAPKH  TATUXGS. 


45:i 


brought  to  the  alter,  sum  time  this  seazon,  by  the  brilliant 
Dennis  O'Tool. 

Proffessor  Norris  haz  just  returned  from  the  north  pole, 
and  reports  the  size  ov  the  pole  to  be  one  foot  in  diameter  at 
the  base,  and  94  feet  hi.  lie  also  brought  back  with  lum  a 
pair  ov  web  footed  duks. 

The  Miss  Simphonys,  ov  Providence,  are  on  a  visit  tew  the 
Miss  S  i  n  b  a  d  s,    ov 
Lexington  avenew— 
lovely  creatures    all 
ov  them. 

Mocking  b  i  r  d  s' 
tongues  on  toast  will 
be  on  the  bills  ov 
fare,  this  summer,  at 
the  Kontinental  Ho- 
tel. Long  Branch. 

The  Rev.  Namby 
Pamby  asked  for  a 
4  thousand  dollar 
hoist  in  his  salary, 
or  dismissal.  The 
congregashun  voted 
unanimus  to  let  him 
went.  (Bully  for  the 
kongregashun.) 

Mrs.  Ulrich  Xikodemus  haz  changed  the  hour  ov  her  re- 
eepshuns  from  haff  past  2  o'klok  P.  M.,  on  Wensdays,  to  a 
quarter  of  3  on  the  same  day,  a  change  ov  15  minnits.  Ex- 
change papers  will  pleaze  coppy. 

Obadiah  Bunkum  sold  hfz  hameltonian  pup  Jerry,  last 
week,  tew  Richards,  the  jews  harp  solo,  for  50  thousand  dol- 
lars, reserving  the  collar.  This  iz  spoken  ov  az  so  mutch  ov 
a  dekline  in  prices  az  tew  shake  the  pup  market  tew  its 
center. 

It  it  sed  (but  not  offishall)  that  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Punchinello 
will  not  visit  the  White  Mountains  this  summer.  Their  dau 


454  MISSELLANEOUS. 

ter,  Betsy  Punchinello,  iz  sed  tew  be  affianced  tew  the  Baron 
Von  Chaulk,  and  the  family  will  enter  seklushun  on  this 
account. 

Dick  Blister  waz  arrested  yesterday  bi  offiser  Pinkerton 
for  tricing  tew  pass  a  couiiterfit  omnibus  on  a  50  cent  driver 
ov  the  23  street  line  ov  stages. 

Paul  Burdok  advertizes  for  a  lost  poodle  ovthe  SancoPan- 
za  breed,  and  offers  40  dollars  "  for  hizimcerimonious  return." 
("  Uncerimonious  return  ''  iz  kussid  good.) 

Hum  and  tanzy,  a  popular  gargle  a  hundred  years  ago,  \t 
being  revived  among  the  hi  toned  cirkles.  One  man  in  iSTu 
Jersey  haz  drove  all  the  musketoze  oph  from  a  thousand  akers 
ov  land,  and  planted  the  whole  ov  the  land  with  rum  and  tan- 
<cy,  in  antisipaslnm  ov  the  sharp  rally  in  bitters  that  may  be 
looked  for. 

Jaw  Bone  Bill  a  selehrated  brave  ov  the  Xinkumpoop  tribe 
ov  injuns,  on  the  J::ne  iVg  river,  Californy,  waz  lately  bit 
apart  bi  a  griz  -.' ,  l.oni*.  Jaw  Bone  died  pretty  soon  after  the 
oecashun,  but  the  Lear  lived  in  grate  agony  for  4  daze,  when 
deth  put  an  end  tew  hiz  sufferings, 

Miss  Rosa  Peachblow,  ov  Madison  avenew  sez  she  iz  not 
affianced  tew  a  prominent  Wall  street  broker,  and  will  giv  ."> 
dollars  or  thareabouts  tew  find  out  who  started  the  fancy 
sketch.  (City  papers  pleaz  copy.) 

G.  "W.  Carleton,  the  publisher,  will  soon  issue  a  book  for 
Josh  Billings,  entitled  "Eggs  ov  Comfort  Laid  by  the  Hen 
Consolashun/"  (This  iz  a  kussid  no  sich  tiling. — J.  B.) 

The  cirkulashun  ov  the  KEW  YORK  WEEKLY  haz  all  ready 
reached  three  hundred  thousand,  and  still  iz  singing  that  same 
old  tune,  "Excelsior" 

The  lovely  McFizzles  (twins)  ov  "snob  place"  will  hav  a 
klam  bake,  sum  time  this  seazon,  at  their  sea  side  place, 
"  Goose  Nook"  to  whitch  the  Van  Doodles  are  invited. 
(Doubtful.) 

Mr.  William  Pierpont,  ov  Goshen,  Orange  County,  haz  a 
sucking  colt,  ovthe  Ilambletonian  breed,  which  lately  follow 
ed  the  mare  one  mile  around  the  trak,  in   2  minnlts  and   23 


LATEST  JSUZEPAPER  TATL1XG.  455 

aeckonds,  on  a  trot.     This  is  sed   tew  be  8  seckouds  the  best 
mile  made  yet  by  enny  sucker. 

Report  sez  that  the  staunch  widdow.  Aniline  Beeach  neo 
Brown,  nee  Jones,  nee  Beekwith,  nee  Smitli.  nee  McPherson, 
nee  Miss  Angeline  Spraker — 5  times  a  widder,  will  soon  lead 
tew  the  alter  Walter  Ronndout,  Esq.,  (Good  bve,  Walter.) 

On  dit,  that  Dick  Manchester  haz  quit  the  cork  minstrel 
bizzness,  and  iz  starring  it  legitimately  at  Sing  Sing,  on  a  "1 
years  engagement. 

On  ditto,  that  the  peanut  krop  ov  North  Karolina  iz  a  fail- 
ure, and  that  starvashun  must  f oiler. 

On  dittimus,  that  Georg3  Washington  Vim-gar  will  spend 
sum  time  this  year  at  the  5th  avenew  hotel. 

New  Jersey  wants  tew  be  admitted  into  the  T'nion. 

It  iz  stated  that  it  kosts  !•>  hundred  dollars  tew  civilize  our 
injun,  and  then  the  injun  aint  worth  but  250  dollars.     Loss 
on  each  injun  tew  the  government,  in  money, about   1   thou- 
sand dollars ;  but,  the  moral  results  are  sed  tew  be  heavy 
(Let  the  good  work  go  on.) 

Mrs.  William  Iloboken  haz  had  her  cl.irenre  mil y  painted. 
The  nu  c  >lor  iz  chestnut  sorrel — the  old  color  waz  dapple 
grey. 

We  are  authorized  tew  state  that  Mr  .  A!anth;is  haz  just 
returned  from  the  state  ov*  Tnjunanny  in  full  bloom,  having 
resided  thare  one  year,  ackording  tew  law,  and  iz  now  reddy 
tew  receive  proposals. 

A  writer  in  Blackwood  Magazine  estimates  "  that  thare 
haint  been  over  250  fleas  killed  since  the  flood." 

We  are  pleased  tew  notiss  the  growing  popularity  ov  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Jibboom ;  their  respektibility  iz  now  fully  establish- 
ed, they  having  appeared  on  the  avenew  with  a  *2  horse  car- 
riage, and  a  slitelv  coloured  driver,  with  a  velvet  hat  band  and 

O      7  v 

sum  yeller  brass  buttons. 

The  latest  agony  in  poodles  iz  saffron,  with  steel  coloured 
eyes. 

Matilda  O'Brine,  four  daze  in  her  last  place,  with  a  karac 
ter,  will  receive  proposals  at  her  residence,  in  Albany  street 


456  M1SSELLANEOUS. 

No  objeckshuns  tew  going  into  the  country  for  the  sum 
mer  az  company un  tew  a  lady,  provided  suitable  reference* 
are  given !  Lessons  on  the  pianno  will  be  accepted  insted 
ov  the  usual  presents  expekted  from  the  family. 

Enny  one  wishing  tew  adopt  male  or  female  children,  kan 
hav  their  pik  out  ov  16  bi  calling  on  Mrs.  Patrik  McFergur- 
son.  All  the  children  hav  got  thru  teething,  and  hav  had 
waccinashun. 


JOSH  MOUNTS  A  VELOCIPEDE. 

THE  velosipead  iz  a  wize  instrumentality,  with  two  wheels, 
placed  consekutively,  one  wheel  before  the  other,  and  the 
other  wheel  behind  the  fust  one. 

They  revolve  on  their  axes,  simular  to  the  world,  from 
east  to  west,  and  have  already  reached  the  shores  of  the  Pacifick 
oshun. 

They  are  az  eazy  tew  ride,  az  a  grind  stun. 

They  will  undoubtedly  do  away  with  the  use  of  steam,  and 
in  fifty  years  from  now,  will  be  the  only  means  of  lokomoshun, 
known  to  man. 

The  ladies  will  all  use  them,  jist  az  soon  az  they  kan  settle 
the  question,  in  what  manner  they  shall  occupy  them. 

Just  now  there  iz  a  dispute,  whether  they  shall  occupy 
both  sides  ov  the  velosipead  at  once,  or  whether  they  shall 
remain  on  one  side  ov  them  at  once,  similar  to  the  anshunt 
custom  ov  occupying  the  noble  animal,  the  hoss. 

It  iz  to  be  hoped,  that  this  matter  will  be  laid  before  the 
"wimmins'  right  committee,"  and  that  nothing,  ov  a  one 
sided  natur,  should  be  allowed  tew  hinder  a  woman  from  fill- 
ing her  destiny. 

I  beleaf  in  throwing  every  thing  wide  open,  to  a  fair  com- 
petishun  between  the  two  sexes,  velosipeads,  az  well  az  med- 
isin,  a/ad  may  the  best  man  wm. 

It  might  look  a  little  odd  (for  the  fust  day  or  two)  to  see 


JOSH  MOUNTS  A  VELOCIPEDE.  45  < 

the  ladies  divided  by  a  velosipead,  but  in  the  grate  advance 
ov  prices,  and  morals,  which  are  now  at  work  in  the  world 

nobody  but  a  darn  phool,  or  a  foggy,  would  object  tew  it if 

we  are  ever  to  reach  perfeckshun  in  this  world,  we  hav  all  ov 
us  got  to  hav  a  fair  chance,  at  both  sides  ov  things. 

I  hav  examined  the  scientifick  principles  ov  the  volosipenj, 
and  find  that  it  iz  just  az  simple  az  bread  and  milk. 

The  rotary  cohesiveness  which  exists  in  all  circumbcutory 
gravitations,  ackting  in  conjunction  with  the  simple  law  ov 
attraction,  preserves  the  moshun  ov  the  velosipead  within  its 
proper  and  natural  revolushun. 

Nothing  can  be  more  simple  and  yet  more  beautiful  than 
this  law  in  science ;  the  philosophers  are  az  wel,  acquainted 
with  it  az  they  are  with  the  10  commandments,  and  perhaps 
better. 

There  iz  one  improvement  in  the  velosipead  which  I  am 
looking  anxiously  forward  to,  and  that  iz,  to  l<;arn  to  stand 
still  till  you  mount  them. 

Nothing  iz  more  anoying  than  a  habit  they  have  got  into 
ov  lying  down  on  their  sides,  if  yu  undertake  to  endorse  one 
of  them  standing  still. 

I  hav  seen  the  nobel  animal,  the  hoss,  when  they  wanted 
to  git  rid  ov  their  rider,  lay  down  sideways  and  roll  over,  and 
kick  up  their  heels.  This  iz  a  trick  which  the  velosipead  haz 
stole  from  the  hoss  without  giving  him  credit  for  it. 

If  mi  memory  serves  me  right,  the  moshun  ov  the  velosi- 
pead iz  purely  a  crank  moahun,  simular  tew  the  grind  stun, 
and  r/,  produced  the  same  way,  that  the  scizzor  grinder  stirs 
up  his  rnasheen. 

I  hav  thought  if  the  pioneer  wheel  of  the  velosipead  could 
be  made  out  of  whetestones,  it  might  be  used  while  in  progress, 
for  sharpening  razors,  and  carving  knives,  and  thus  bekmn  a 
means  ov  grace,  az  well  az  buty,  but  this  would  take  the  poe- 
try all  out  ov  it,  and  degrade  it  down  to  the  level  ov  useful- 
ness. 

If  you  want  tew  take  the  starch  out  ov  a  novelty,  just  set 
it  to  work  at  sumthing  useful,  it  bekuuis  inelegant  to  oust. 


458  MISSELLANEOUS. 

The  moshnn  ov  the  velosipead  iz  produced  bi  the  action  ov 
the  leggs — or  rather,  the  action  ov  the  pedal  extreinetys,  the 
word  leggs  iz  altogether  too  obscene  for  every  man  to  use,  who 
ever  expekts  tew  run  for  the  legislatur,  or  be  caught  in  the 
sosiety  ov  refined  people. 

This  fakt  iz  sufficiently  explained  tew  the  latin  skollar,  who 
understands  that  "  velosipeads  "  iz  manufakterd  out  ov  two 
forrin  words,  "veloss"  and  "pedoss"  which  vulgarily  means 
"lively  leggs"  but  politely  means,  "pedal  swiftness" 

If  a  man  don't  understand  latin  now  a  daze,  he  kant  hardly 
enjoy  the  conversashun  ov  a  hod  carrier. 

The  velosipead  iz  not  a  modern  discovery  ;  long  before  the 
days  of  Adam,  and  Eve,  they  M*az  in  use. 

The  heathen  gods  had  them,  with  one  wheel  to  them,  and 
history  tells  us  ov  a  grate  expert,  one  Txion,  who  got  onto 
the  side  ov  one  ov  them,  and  traveled  all  over  the  Olympian 
country. 

I  hav  seen  them  miself  with  only  one  wheel  to  them,  theze 
had  two  handles,  which  protruded  out  behind,  and  were  pro- 
pelled by  a  shove  moshun. 

Theze  were  fust  discovered  in  Ireland,  and  I  think  are 
called  "  wheelbarrows,"  or  sumthing  that  sounds  like  that. 

This  is  all  i  kno  now  about  the  velosipeads. 


THE  EASE  KOARSE. 

C\  RATE  rase  !  at  Sulphur  Flat  trotting  Park,  on  Thursda, 
\J  April  9th,  for  a  puss  ov  13  dollars,  and  a  bulls-eye  watch, 
free  for  awl  bosses,  mares,  geldings,  mules,  and  Jackasses  ! 

Seeing  the  above  anounsement,  pasted  up  on  a  gide  board, 
at  "  Jarnaka  rum  four  corners,"  and  having  never  saw  a  hoss 
trot,  on  a  well  regulated  rase  koarse,  for  the  improvement  ov 
the  breed  ov  hosses,  i  agreed  i  wrud  go,  jist  tew  encourage  the 
breeding  ov  good  hosses. 

I  found  the  village  of  Sulphur  Flats  located  in  a  lot  and 
well  watered  bi  a  grias-mill  and  2  tannerys. 


THE  RASE  KOARSE. 


459 


The  priusipal  buildings  seem  tu  consist  ov  a  tavern  stand, 
3  groserys,  an  insurance  offiss,  and  anuther  tavern  stand,  awl 
condukted  on  strik  whiskee  principles. 

I  found  the  inhabitants  a  good  deal  tired  in  their  religus 
views  and  i  thought  the  opening  wud  admit  3  or  4  missionary! 
abreast. 

The  moste  prinsipal  bizness  ov  the  peoptt  waz  pealing  hark 
in  the  winter,  and  pitchin  cents  az  soon  az  warm  wether  sot 
in. 

I  asked  a  gentleman  present,  who  cod  he  was  a  reporter  for 
"The  Yung  Man's  Christian  Gide,"  if  he  knew  what  the  pop- 


JOHN    BILLINGS    DRIVES    OUT    TO    TFIK    RACES. 


lashnn  ov  the  place  definitely  waz,  and  cedhe  definitely  didn't, 
bnt  if  i  would  set  out  a  pail  ov  whiskee,  with  u  dipper  into  it, 
on  the  top  ov  a  hemlock  stump,  that  grew  in  front  ov  the  tav- 
ern, it  wouldn't  be  60  minnits  befour  i  cud  count  the  whole 
ov  them,  and  then  we  both  ov  us  smiled,  az  it  were,  tew 

onst. 

Having  asked  sum  uther  inquirys,  ov  a  mixed  uatur,  i  sail 

tered  down  tu  where  the  rase  kourse  waz. 


460  MISSELLANEOU&. 

THE    TRACK. 

I  found  the  track  waz  about  a  mild  in  circumferense,  and 
ov  a  sandy  disposishun,  fensed  in  by  a  kranbury  mash  on  one 
side,  and  a  brush  fense  on  tuther,  and  in  jist  about  3  minnet 
condishun. 

The  judge's  stand  waz  an  ox  cart  surrounded  on  the  sides 
bi  a  ha  rigging,  and  the  reporters  waz  invited  tew  git  intu  the 
cart. 

THE    HOSSES. 

Waz  a  gra  mare,  about  the  usual  stature,  not  verry  fat,  and 
laboring  under  a  spring  halt,  which  tha  ced  she  had  caught 
ov  anuther  boss,  about  10  days  ago. 

Tha  ced  she  had  trotted  tu  a  kamp-meeting  last  fall  inside 
ov  a  verry  short  time,  and  that  her  back  bone  waz  awl  game. 

I  asked  a  yung  man  with  longyeller  hair  and  bedtick  panty- 
loons  on,  who  waz  currying  oph  the  mare,  what  her  pedigree 
was,  and  he  with  a  wink  tew  anuther  feller  who  stood  clusbi, 
ced,  "  she  waz  got  bi  the  Landlord  out  ov  a  Methdiss  minis- 
ter," and  then  tha  both  laffed. 

I  found  out  bi  inquirin,  that  her  name  waz   "  Fryin-Pan." 

The  uther  boss  waz  a  red  boss,  rather  hastily  konstructed, 
with  a  spare  tale  on  him,  which  tha  ced  waz  kaused  by  his 
trotting  so  fast,  in  a  windy  day  ;  i  shod  think  he  waz  about 
5  feet  and  a  haf  in  hite,  and  ov  a  kickin  natur. 

Tha  ced  he  waz  a  stranger  in  theze  parts,  and  that  his  rite 
name  waz  ".Juise  Harp." 

FUST    HEAT. 

The  bosses  both  cum  up  tew  the  skore  in  the  immejiate 
visinity  ov  each  uther,  and  got  the  wurd  tew  go,  the  lust  time. 

The  gra  mare  waz  dmv  bi  "  Dave  Larkin,"  and  the  hoss 
was  handled  bi  "  Ligh  Turner." 

Tha  trotted  sublimely,  az  cluss  az  the  Siamese  twins ;  the 
mare  with  her  lied  hi  up  and  her  noze  full  ov  winde  ;  the  hoss 
waz  stretched  out  tite,  like  a  chalk  line;  tha  passed  the  haf 
mile  pole  simultaneously,  time,  2  minnits. 

Now  the  kontest  becum  exsiting,  "Dave"  hollered,  and 


THE  RASE  HOARSE. 

"Ligh"  yelled— on  tha  kum,  the  mare  gm  higher,  and  tho 
hoss  gru  longer— tha  make  the  last  turn  tew  onst— tha  look 

like  a  dubble  team — the  exsitement  grows  more  intensely 

the  crowd  sways  to  and  fro — the  ox  cart  trembles — tha  cum! 
tha  cum  !  sich  shouting,  sich  yelling,  sich  swearing,  sich  chaw- 
ing terbacker,  \vaz  never  herd  before  ;  the  mare  iz  ahed  ! — 
no,  the  hoss  iz  ahed  !  'tis  even,  'tis  a  ded  hete,  tha  pass  the  ox 
kart — the  hoss  wins  bi  3  quarters  ov  an  inch,  time  4  minnita 
lacking  2  seckuuds. 

REMARKS. 

The  hosses  ar  surrounded  bi  a  crowd  ov  men,  wimmin,  and 
children. 

Each  party  are  sanguinary  or  suckces. 

The  bettin  iz  2  quarts  ov  whiskee  to  anything,  on  the  red 
hoss. 

At  this  jnnkture  the  gentleman,  reporter  for  the  Young 
man's  Christian  Gide,  proposed  tew  bet  75  cents  that  tho 
mare  wild  win  the  nex  heat ;  i  tuk  the  proposishun  forthwithly, 
and  the  steaks,  bi  mutual  consent,  was  placed  in  mi  hat  and 
sot  under  the  kart,  and  here  let  me  stait,  before  i  forget  it, 
that  i  haint  saw  the  steaks  nor  the  hat  sinse. 

SECKUND    HEAT. 

The  hosses  both  sho  signs  ov  distress. 

The  gra  mare's  e;irs  hang  down  the  side  ov  her  bed,  like 
two  wet  rags,  and  the  hoss  rests  his  tale  on  the  ground. 

Tha  go  slola  bak  tew  the  distanse  pole,  and  cum  up  agin 
tew  the  skore,  az  tho  tha  waz  yoked  together. 

Awa  tha  go  ;  the  boss  a  leetle  ahed. 

The  hoss  leads  tew  the  haf  mild  pole  in  2:30. 

On  the  bak  stretch,  "  Dave"  went  at  the  mare  with  hiz 
long  purswader  ;  she  trots  like  litening,  she  passes  the  boss  ! 
no!  she  busts  !  she  busts!  and  befour  "  Dave  "  cud  ilatten  her 
down  tew  her  work,  she  broke  from  the  trak  and  trot  ted  clean 
up  tew  her  hips  in  the  krambery  mash. 

The  hoss  cum  in  nwl  alone,  trotting  fast,  and  so  clusdowu, 
that  2  feet  ov  his  tale  dragged  on  the  ground, 


462  MISSELLANEOUS. 

Time  ov  this  heat,  not  fur  from  5  minnits,  "  Jnise  Harp  " 
winning,  bi  a  quarter  ov  a  mile. 

Thus  ended  the  grate  rase  at  "  Sulphur  Flats." 
I  immejiately  started  on  foot   for  "  Jamaka  Rum   fou* 
corners,"  bare  headed,  but  fully  impressed  that,  thomen,  and 
even  whiskee  mite  deteryoate,  the  breed  ov  hosses  must  begin 
tew  improve  in  that  seckshun  ov  the  kuutry  in  a  fu  dais. 


BILLINGS  LEXICON. 

BLUSH — The  cream  ov  modesty. 
Ginger-pop — Gimnastik  water. 

Man — Live  dirt. 

Friends — Books,  paintings,  and  stuft  birds. 

Bashfullnes — Ignorance  afraid. 

Conservatism — A  bag  with  a  hole  to  it. 

Radicalism — A  hole  with  a  bag  to  it. 

Aristocrat — A  demokrat  with  hiz  pockets  filled. 

Politicks — The  apology  ov  plunder. 

Tin  watch — Faith  without  works. 

Mule — A  bad  pun  on  a  horce. 

Patience — Faith  waiting  for  a  nibble. 

Sparking — Picking  buds  oph  from  the  bush. 

Malice — A.  blind  mule  kicking  by  guess. 

Eternal — God's  epitaff. 

Care — Cat  pizen. 

Faith — The  soul  riding  anchor. 

Bliss — Happiness   bileing  over  and    running   down   both 
Bides  ov  the  pot. 

Marriage — An  alter  on  whitch  man  lays  hiz  pocketbook  and 
woman  her  luv  letters. 

Quack — A  doktor  whoze  science  lays  in  hiz  bill 

Hash — A  boarding-hous  confidence  game. 

Fuss — An  old  hen  with  one  chicken. 

Twins — 2  mutch. 


BILUXliS  LEXICON.  463 

Board iiig-School — A  place  wharo  wry  coffee  and  flirtashun 
iz  taught. 

Experiment — Energy  out  ov  a  job. 

Perfection — God  in  man. 

Virtue—  That  ingredient  wliitch  needs  no  foil,  and  without 
whitch  nothing  else  iz  valuabel. 

Solitude — A  good  place  tew  visit,  but  a  poor  place  te\r 
stay. 

Sloth — Life  in  a  tomb. 

Health — A  call  loan. 

Memory — The  shadow  that  the  soul  casts. 

Politeness — Sixty  day  paper. 

Poverty — The  only  birthright  that  a  man  kant  lose. 

Accidents — The  dismay  ov  phools,  the  wize  man's  barome- 
ter. 

Ease — Discounted  time. 

Wealth — Baggage  at  the  riskov  the  owner. 

Trials — "Whetstuns. 

Fortune — The  aggregate  ov  possibilitys  ;  a  goddess  whom 
cowards  count  by  stealth,  but  whom  brave  men  take  by 
storm. 

Economy — A  fust  mortgage  on  wealth. 

Enough — Jist  a  leetle  more. 

Dignity — "\Visdum  in  tights. 

Mischief — The  maliss  ov  fun. 

Cook — One  who  manufakters  appetights. 

Diseases — The  whipping  posts  and  branding  irons  ov  lux 
ury. 

Drunkenness — Shame  lost  and  .shame  found 

Cowardice— Pluck  on  ice. 

Glutton — A  man  with  a  drunken  appetight. 

Examples — Foot  prints  in  the  wilderness. 

Nunnery — Piety  in  chains. 

Ignorance — Haw  happiness. 

Sin— A  natral  distemper,  for  which  virtew  haz  bin  discover 
ed  to  be  an  antidote. 

Friendship — One  ov  love'--  pimps. 


464  MISSELLAXEOUS. 

Envy— A  disease  original  with  Cain,  but  which  hiz  brothel 
A.bel  afterward  caught,  and  died  suddenly  ov. 

Belle — A  female  boss  ov  the  situation. 

Fancy — The  flirtashun  ov  truth. 

Sarcasm — An  undertaker  in  tears. 

Sulks — Deff  and  dum  madness. 

Courting — A  hugg  and  kiss  match,  generally  a  drawn  game 

Fiction — A  lie  with  holiday  clothes  on. 

Hen — A  lay  member. 

Law — The  shackels  ov  liberty. 

Science — The  literature  ov  truth. 

Deceit — A  ded  wasp  with  a  live  tail. 

Babys — Dividend. 

Miser — A  wretch  who  haz  dug  out  hiz  heart  tew  sto  away 
hiz  munny  in. 

Misfortunes — A  band  ov  vagrants,  who  liv  on  what  they 
kan  steal. 

Spirituolist — A  curb  stone  broker,  who  sells  exchange  on 
Ben  Franklin  &  Co. 

Inheritance — Second-hand  goods,  other  people's   leavings. 

Ironclads — Vessels  ov  wrath. 

Grave  Yard — A  small  patch  ov  land,  cultivated  by  the 
dead,  lieing  between  time  and  eternity. 

Lap  Dogs — A  nucleus  for  affeckshnn  out  ov  a  job. 

Society — Burning  on  an  alter  natral  rights,  and  then  sacred- 
ly watching  over  the  ashes. 

Jealousy — Self  love. 

Stingyness — The  bran'  ov  economy. 

Buck  Saw — An  instrument  ov  torture. 

Bragadocio — One  who  pulls  hiz  own  courage  by  the  noze. 

Anxiety — Milking  a  kicking  heifer  writh  one  hand,  and 
holding  her  by  the  tail  with  the  other. 

Swearing — The  metalic  currency  ov  loafers. 

Judicious  Benevolence — The  brains  ov  the  heart. 

Blue  Jay — The  fop  ov  the  forest. 

Policy — "  Honesty  iz  the  .best  policy,"  but  policy  iz  not 
alwus  the  best  hone?fv. 


OWLY.  465 

Bachelor — The  hero  ov  a  cot  bedstead. 
Club  Houses — "NVliare   the   hen-pecked  gotewsware,  and 
smooth  out  their  feathers. 
Lie — The  cowardice  ov  truth. 
Skunk — An  athletick  animal,  stronger  than  an  elephant. 


OWLY. 

HERE  we  have  a  batch  of  immaculate  truths  from  the 
"Owl  Club." 

After  the  minutes  of  the  last  meeting  had  been  read  and 
approved,  each  "  Owl,"  as  is  their  custom,  lit  his  cigar,  shook 
out  his  feathers,  and  story-telling  commenced,  the  President 
leading  off  as  usual. 

"  1  never  can  hear  of  a  man's  gitting  his  head  broke,"  said 
the  President,  "  but  1  call  to  mind  the  wonderful  accident  that 
occured  at  Austin,  Texas,  twenty  years  ago. 

"A  man  was  thrown  from  his  horse,  while  riding  at  full 
speed  into  town,  and  striking  against  the  sharp  edge  of  a  pot- 
ash kettle,  which  lay  beside  the  road,  his  head  was  split  down 
to  his  collar-bone,  each  half  hanging  over  his  shoulders  like  a 
pair  ov  epaulettes. 

"This  man  was  taken  up  for  dead,  but  recovered, by  skill- 
ful treatment,  and  was  elected  county  judge  afterward  on  the 
strength  of  this  accident." 

"  A  very  good  story,  and  undoubtedly  true,"  said  the  Vice- 
President  "Owl,"  "but  I  don't  think  it  quite  so  miraculous 
as  the  different  escapes  that  Joe  French,  a  friend  of  mine,  a 
clerk  on  one  of  the  Mississippi  steamboats,  has  passed  safely 
through. 

"  His  last  adventure  was  on  the  high-pressure  steamer  Hur- 
ricane. 

"  As  she  was  passing  batches,  on  a  down  trip,  she  blew  up, 
and  filled  the  air  with  every  kind  of  fragments. 

"Joe  was  sent  up  about  two  hundred  and  fifty  feet,  and 

30i 


466 


MISCELLANEOUS. 


there  being  a  strong  wind  at  the  time,  he  wa*>  carried  over 
onto  the  center  of  the  city,  and  fell  through  the  roof  of  a 
jewelry  store. 

"After  passing  down  through  three  stories  of  the  building, 
he  struck  on  his  feet,  by  the  side  of  the  proprietor  of  the  con- 

S  P  J  NN IN  C       cern'  w^°  Demanded 
-  five  hundred  dollars 

for  the  damages  done 
to  his  building. 


'"I  can't  pay  so 
much  money,'  said 
Joe, '  but  i  will  give 
you  two  hundred 
and  fifty ,  and  I  have 
often  settled  for  this 
price  before?  '' 

"Bully  for  Joe 
French,"  said  one  of 
the  "  Owls."  "  But 
let  me  tell  you  a 
little  story  about  an 
attorney  by  the 
name  of  Gersh' 
Buckley,  who  prac- 
ticed law  at  Burlington,  Iowa,  a  few  years  ago. 

"  Gersh  had  a  case,  in  the  county  court,  which  he  lost,  and 
in  settling  with  his  client  was  charged  by  the  other  attorney 
with  taking  less  than  the  customary  fees. 

"  Gersh  plead  quietly  to  the  charge.  '  But,  gentlemen,' 
said  he,  '  /  done  all  in  my  power  to  sustain  the  honor  of  ih& 
profession,  I  took  aU  the  'money  the  man  had?  '' 

At  this  point,  one  of  the  "  Owls,"  more  noted  for  his  gravi- 
ty than  any  of  the  rest,  mounted  his  perch,  and  begged  to  be 
heard,  as  follows : 

"  Talking  about  steamboats  reminds  me  of  a  circumstance 
which  occurred  on  the  lower  Mississippi,  in  the  year  1 840. 
I  had  been  down  to  New  Orleans  and  was  on  my  return,  having 


OWLY.  46< 

taken  passage  on  the  fast  side-wheel  steamer,  Fanny  Birch. 

"  Twenty-five  tniles  up  the  river  we  overtook  the  Memphis 
Belle,  an  opposition  boat,  just  leaving  a  woodvard.  Rosin 
and  pine  was  soon  the  order  ov  exercise?,  and  both  boats  were 
quickly  side  by  side  in  a  close-contested  race. 

"  Suddenly  word  was  parsed  along  the  boat,  '  Man  over- 
board !' 

"The  captain,  rushing  aft,  inquired  of  the  clerk  if  the  man 
had  paid  his  passage. 

"  '  Yes  !'  shouted  the  clerk. 

"'  Then  go  ahead  on  her,  engineer!'  was  the  captain's  or- 
der." 

"  Owl "  number  five  plumed  his  feathers  and  opened  his 
short  but  silvery -toned  beak,  as  follows: 

"Out  in  Nevada,  during  a  race  week,  a  rider  was  thrown 
from  a  horse  and  taken  up  insensible.  As  belay  on  a  stretch- 
er near  the  judges'  stand  many  wagers  were  made  among  the 
sporting  fraternity  present,  upon  his  death  or  recovery. 

"  A  surgeon  present  proposed  to  bleed  the  boy,  but  the 
gamblers  interposed,  for,  they  said,  it  would  seriously  affect 
the  fairness  of  the  ~bets" 

"I  don't  believe  that  story,"  said  "Owl"  Number  Six; 
"but  here  is  one  which  has  been  in  our  family  for  over  forty 
years,  and  we  all  know  it  to  be  true : 

"  An  old  gentleman — who,  by  tiie  way,  was  almost  entire- 
ly deaf,  had  brought  a  suit  against  one  of  his  neighbors,  claim- 
ing certain  damages.  The  case  was  one  which  the  justice 
thought  ought  not  to  go  to  a  jury,  but  should  be  settled  be- 
tween the  parties.  He  therefore  instructed  the  attorney  to 
ask  the  old  gentleman  what  he  would  take  to  settle  the  suit. 
The  lawyer,  putting  his  mouth  near  the  deaf  man's  ear,  said, 
in  a  loud  tone : 

"  '  The  court  wants  to  know  what  you  will  take.' 

"Turning  his  eye  blandly  toward  the  judge's  bench,  the 
old  gentleman  replied : 

"  '  Thank  the  squire  for  me,  and  tell  him  I  will  take  a  leetle 
iSanty  Cruise  rum  without  sugar.'  " 


468  MISSELLANEOUS. 

"  Owl  "  Number  SevenT  looking  uncommon  wise,  got  off 
the  following : 

"  Two  shad  fishermen  got  into  a  dispute  lately  about  a  fish 
net,  which  they  both  laid  claim  to,  and,  as  the  war  of  words 
was  reaching  its  hight,  a  son  of  one  of  the  beligerents  com- 
ing upon  the  scene,  cried  out  to  his  venerable  parent: 

"  '  Old  man,  don't  let  him  git  the  start  of  you — call  him  a 
thief  and  a  liar  first. ' ' 

"  That  puts  me  in  mind,"  said  the  next  "  Owl"  of  a  story, 
not  at  all  similar,  but  more  funny  I  think,  than  the  one  we 
have  just  listened  to. 

"  Over  in  Jersey,  an  honest  old  Dutchman,  who  followed 
gardening  for  a  living,  had  been  to  the  neighboring  town  to 
do  a  little  trading  at  the  stores,  and  having  taken  his  wife  with 
him,  both  ov  them  got  unco  tight. 

"  On  their  way  home  the  old  woman  fell,  out  of  the  wagon, 
as  they  were  crossing  a  salt  meadow,  and  was  not  missed  un- 
till  the  old  gent  reached  home.  The  neighbors  going  back  to 
search  for  the  missing  wife,  found  her  stuck  fast  in  the  mud 
of  the  marsh,  and  talking  in  a  maudlin  manner,  to  the  rising 
tide  which  had  risen  up,  and  just  began  to  play  about  her 
lips.  '  Not  another  drop,  hot,  nor  cold  •  not  another  drop, 
will  I  take.1 "  OWLET.* 


POKDUNK  TILLAGE. 

Q  TKANGEK !  hav  yu  ever  been  to  Pordunk  Village,  my 
O  natiff  place  ? 

It  iz  a  dear  little  lulaby  ov  a  place,  sleeping  between  two 
small  mountains,  in  the  State  of  Pennsylvania. 

It  kontains  about  1000  souls  now,  and  is  watered  by  goose 
crik,  whitch  meanders  thru  the  village  az  crooked  and  az  lazy 
az  a  skool  boy,  on  hiz  way  tew  the  distrikt  skool  ho  us. 

I  waz  born  here,  and  the  ground  on  whitch  the  old  hous 
stood,  iz  thare  yet.  Mi  ancesters  are  all  here  too,  but  thex 


POKDUKK  VILLAGE. 


nav  retired  from,  bizzness,  and  are  taking  their  eaze,  in  thj 
old  grave,  yard  ov  the  little  one  story  church. 

The  red  painted  tavern,  whare  years  ago,  the  townsfolk* 
gathered  in,  on  Saturday  nights,  to  wet  their  whistles,  and 
brag  on  their  bush  beans,  and  other  gardin  s.ass,  iz  gone,  and 
departed. 

And  Roger  Williams,  where  iz  he  ? 

Roger  waz  the  village  blacksmith,  and  could  out  argy  the 
parson,  on  a  bit  ov 
skripture,  hiz  anvil 
iz  still,  and  he  now 
•livs  in  his  new  house, 
with  the  rest  of  the 
old  people,  just  back 
ov  the  little  one  story 
church. 

Whare  iz  Square 
Watkins,  the  justiss 
of  the  peace  ?  he  knu 
law,  and  the  stattews, 
just  az  eazy  az  he  did 
the  10  commands,  hiz 
little  old  offiss,  for  50 
years  unpainted,  iz 
now  no  more. 

No  one  ov  hiz  name 
iz  left,  he  and  Roger  the  blacksmith,  lay  side  by  side,  just 
back  ov  the  little  one  story  church,  az  still  az  deth  kan  make 
them. 

Sue  Dunham,  the  crazy  woman,  I  don't  see  her!  Poor 
Sue,  she  waz  not  alwus  welkum,  but  no  one  turned  her  away, 
a  night's  lodgeing  no  one  refused,  she  was  even  butiful  still, 
when  i  waz  a  boy,  but  i  shrunk  from  the  flash  ov  her  misteri- 
ous  eye. 

The  old  folks  knu  her  story,  it  waz  that  sad  one,  so  often 
told,  and  so  soon  forgotten,  a  mans  perfidy. 

Sue  Dunham  raves  no  more,  but  in  the  farther  korner,  just 


MISSELLANEOLS. 

bak  ov  the  little  one  story  church,  whare  the  ded  lay  th* 
thikest,  lays  Sue. 

A  weep  in  willow,  sown  bi  aksident,  hangs  over  her  grave, 
and  on  her  lied  stone,  theze  words,  almost  knawed  away  bi 
time,  kan  be  made  out,  "  Sue  Dunham,  aged  59." 

Parson  Powell,  who  led  hiz  flok  bi  the  side  ov  still  waters 
who  wet  with  hallowed  drops  at  christnings,  who  jined  in 
wedlok,  and  who  asked  God  to  take  the  departing  ones,  I 
miss  him  too  ;  peacefully  he  sleeps,  just  bak  ov  the  little  one 
story  church. 

Deakon  Tucker,  who  sold  sugar  bi  the  pound,  and  mollassis 
bi  the  pint,  who  delt  in  whale  ile,  and  bar  sope,  who  kept 
raizen  and  razor  straps,  who  coidd  mezzure  a  yard  ov  kotton, 
ov  kaliko,  tew  a  thred,  and  who,  4th  ov  Julys,  sold  3  fire 
krackers,  tew  us  boys,  for  a  penny,  what  haz  bekum  ov  the 
deakon  ? 

Years  ago.  he  fled,  not  far  away,  but  class  up  tew  the  back 
wall  ov  the  little  one  story  church,  nc;;:-  to  Parson  Powell. 

An  odd  phellow  waz  Ez  Farnham.  and  withal  az  keen  at 
a  trade  az  a  hornet,  Them  that  swopped  bosses  with  Ez 
once,  didn't  hanker  tew  do  it  again,  he  waz  honest,  but  oh ! 
how  fatal  tew  dicker.  No  one  now,  in  the  whole  village  re- 
member him,  he  haz  gone  whare  they  don't  giv,  nor  git  boot, 
they  put  him  in  the  halfaker,  just  bak  ov  the  little  one  story 
church. 

Job  Pierson  iz  ded  too,  and  so  is  Job's  wife,  and  all  ov 
Job's  sons,  and  danters. 

I  go  up,  and  I  go  down,  the  good  old  village  of  Pordunk, 
the  people  all  stare  at  me,  az  i  stop  here  and  stop  tliare,  to 
say  tew  miself,  "  here  it  waz  that  Lige  Turner,  threw  Dave 
Larkins,  40  years  ago,  in  a  wrassle  on  the  village  green,  and 
thare  stood  the  old  town  pump." 

"  Here  old  Beverly,  the  barber,  shaved  for  three  cents  a 
shave,  and  thare,  Burbanks  haft'  soled  boots  for  a  quarter," 

"Here — let  me  see  !  was  it  here  ?  Yes  Old  Mother  Benne- 
way  sold  taffy  here,  each  stick  at  least  8  indies  long,  and 
made  out  of  Deakon  Tuckers  best  Porto  Rico  nnlassis." 


PORDUNK  VILLAGE.  471 

"Thare  stood  the  little  red  skoul  hous,  right  tliarc,  ir  waz 
the  forks  ov  a  road  then,  it  is  the  korner  of  a  block  now. 

"Who  kan  tell  me  whare  Daniel  Purdy  the  sk  »<>!  master 
lives  now,  no  one  !  I  hav  asked  a  dozen,  but  no  one  remem- 
ber Daniel  Purdy. 

"It  iz  a  sad  thing  tew  be  a  skoolmaster,  no  one  ever  seems 
tewkno  whare  they  go  when  yu  miss  them.  They  just  seem 
to  depart  that's  all.  I  never  knu  one  tew  die,  and  be  buried.'' 

Ah,  it  iz  pleasant! — it  is  sad,  to  go  bak  tew  the  village  of 
Pordunk,  lhare  is  more  people  now  thare,  than  there  wax. 
when  i  wa::  a  boy,  but  how  different  are  they, — or  how  dif- 
terent  am  I. 

The  old  tives  are  the  same,  man  kant  alter  them,  goose 
krik  runs  jist  whare  it  did,  with  willows  in  all  ov  its  elbows, 
the  mountains  each  side  haven't  grown  enny  smaller,  the 
birds  sing  the  same  songs,  but  i  don't  knu  enny  one  that  i 
meet,  and  what  is  more  lonesome,  no  one  that  i  meet  knows 
ine. 

"When  i  go  tew  Pordunk,  and  want  tew  see  enny  boddy 
that  I  remember,  i  go  down  the  main  street  to  the  fust  kor- 
ner, just  whare  Joel  Parker  once  lived,  then  i  turn  tew  the 
left,  and  keep  on  for  a  ways,  till  i  cum  tew  the  little  one 
story  church. 

Just  bak  ov  that  they  are  all  living  now.  They  don't 
remember  me  when  i  go  thare.  but  I  remember  them,  h 
won't  be  very  long  now  before  I  shall  jine  them. 


4  LETTERS. 

Mister  Brown. — In  haste,  dear  su:-,  I  repli  tevr  yrpfe  lettel 
thusly : 

Jews  harps  are  a  one  stringed  instrument,  held  between 
the  teeth,  blowed  on  gently,  and  tickled  with  the  fore-finger. 
The  musik  which,  they  yield  is  balmy,  but  looses  much  of 
'ts  melloness  unless  played  upon  hi  a  bull  frog.  I  hav  list- 
ened for  hours  at  a  bull  frog  playing  on  a  Jews  harp,  and 
wept  like  a  child.  This  iz  the  kind  a  mnsik  that  enters  mi 
soul  like  a  sister  ov  charity  out  ov  a  job.  I  hav  ayung  female 
bull  frog  now  in  mi  employ,  who  plays  the  Jews  harp  quite 
bully  for  one  ov  her  sex.  Sum  people  must  hav  opera  musik 
or  they  aint  helthy,  but  giv  me  the  liquid  Jews  harp,  tickled 
bi  the  yung  and  impashioned  bull  frog. 

If  i  waz  ritch  i  would  buy  me  two  akers  ov  swamp  ground, 
issue  proposals  for  a  millyun  ov  Jews  harps,  and  set  every 
bull  frog  on  mi  farm  to  instrumental  musik. 

Thare  are  others  who  aint  happy  unless  they  kan  hear  the 
pensiv  murmers  ov  the  bass  drum,  or  the  hoarse  gutteral  ov 
the  trombone,  or  the  pig  like  laffing  ov  the  life,  or  the  jigger 
ov  the  banjo  and  the  bones. 

I  hav  nothing  but  pitty  for  sich  depraved  tasted  critters, 
and  look  forward,  with  the  joyful  gush  ov  a  missionary,  to 
the  time  when  bull  frogs  will  set  under  every  vine  and  fig 
tree,  tickling  the  buzzom  ov  a  Jews  harp. 

If  i  kan  hav  plenty  ov  Jews  harps,  and  a  bull  frog,  i  dont 
kare  if  i  dont  never  hear  a  hand  orgin  agin. 

472 


4  LETTERS. 


Mister  Bates. — The  best  kind  <.v  bate  for  a  rat,  iz  toasted 
cheeze,  and  the  best  kind  ova  trap,  i/.  the  one,  that  will  ketch 
them  the  oftenest,  and  hang  onto  them  the  most.  It  aint  al- 
ways a  sure  thing  tew  ketch  a  rat  bi  the  tail,  i  hav  knew 
them  tew  bight  oph 
their  tail,  just  outside 
ov  the  jaws  ov  the 
trap,  and  thus  save 
their  rat  meat. 

Bob  tailed  rats  hav 
ceased  tew  be  a  curi- 
osity to  me  long  ago. 

Once  i  should  hav 
looked  upon  a  bob- 
tailed  rat  with  mingled 
pheelings  ov  pitty, 
and  Hiprise,  but  them 
daze  hav  fled  from 
me,  i  look  upon  a  bob- 
tailed  rat  now,  as  a 
cluss  bizzness  tran- 
sackshun. 

Rats  are  one  ov  the  4  LETTERS 

far-famed  butys  ov  civilashun,  they  wont  live  in  the  wildenies, 
and  i  wouldn't  if  i  waz  they. 

Sum  folks  are  so  enlightened  they  kant  bear  rats,  but  az  i 
lay  in  mi  bed,  at  mi  boarding  hous,  at  the  deceased  hours  ^v 
night,  it  iz  one  ov  mi  priviliges,  tew  hear  the  rats  chav  ing 
holes  throu  the  base  boards,  and  playing  tag  in  the  wain  ;>Ub. 

Hats  are  very  prolih'ck,  one  pair  ov  assorted  rafs,  will  keep 
a  phamily  in  rats  for  years. 

Eats  are  very  easy  tew  keep,  thare  aint  but  phew  thing:  but 
what  they  will  eat,  and  them  phew  things  are  locked  up. 

Rats  are  not  a  subjekt  ov  diet  in  this  country,  but  i  ain 
told  bi  missionarys,  that  rat  pi,  iz  thick  in  China. 

I  shouldn't  wonder  if  rat  pi  might  be  good,  but  i  hav  ai- 
wns  accustomed  miself  t:  p  vittles. 


474  ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

Mister  Barnes. — Hash  iz  made  out  ov  cast  oph  vittles. 

Hash  haz  done  more  for  the  human  race  ov  man  than  al- 
most enny  other  breed  ov  food. 

For  breakfast,  a  small  tender-lion  steak,  sum  few  ham  & 
eggs,  3  baked  potatoze,  a  plate  of  buttered  toast,  sum  slap 
jacks,  2  cups  of  coffy,  and  sum  hash  iz  good. 

I  like  to  eat  hash  this  way  better  than  enny  other. 

Sum  pholks  alwuz  raize  their  noze  up  at  hash. 

If  yu  search  history,  with  one  eye,  yu  will  find  theze  folks, 
20,  or  30  years  ago,  more  or  less,  were  born  on  hash. 

I  hav  seen  hash  iniself,  that  i  had  mi  doubts  about,  but  i  et 
it,  and  still  liv. 

I  love  hash  as  a  principle,  and  this  iz  mi  rule,  i  watch  the 
landlady,  and  if  she  eats  it,  i  take  the  sekond  plate. 

This  makes  me  very  popular  at  all  the  boarding  houses 
which  I  attend. 

If  folks  would  be  a  leetle  more  penurious  with  their  hash, 
and  not  git  stubs  ov  tallo  kandles,  babys  morocko  shoes,  and 
now  and  then  a  fine  tooth  comb,  that  want  more  than  half 
worn  out,  into  their  hash,  hash  would  stand  to  day,  at  the 
head  of  all  mux  food. 

Mister  BarUett. — Ov  all  the  animals  who  waz  brought 
akrost  the  waters,  into  this  country,  by  that  grate  improver 
ov  the  breed  ov  kattle  Noah,  i  consider  the  cow  the  most 
respektable. 

A  cow  iz  a  kind  ov  old  aunt  in  the  family. 

I  dont  knp  ov  a  more  honest,  and  salubrious  sight,  than  a 
brindle  cow,  that  wont  kik,  and  who  gives  10  quarts  ov  milk 
that  aint  watered. 

It  iz  unkommon  hard  to  git  a  cow  to  giv  milk  that  aint 
watered  now  daze,  thare  iz  a  grate  difference  in  cows  about 
this. 

It  iz  sed  the  cowcumber  derives  its  name  from  the  cow, 
but  whether  this  iz  so,  or  not,  i  kant  find  out. 

Probably  it  iz,  becauze  they  resemble  the  cow  so  mutch. 

The  cowcumber  cums  under  the  hed  ov  gardin  sass,  and 
they  gro  on  a  running  vine,  and  the  vine  kan  beat  every  vine 
running,  for  100  yards,  in  Amerika,  after  it  gits  started. 


JOSH  SETTLES  I* P.  475 

They  are  a  little  l>;ilkv  about  starting. 

*  *  o 

I  hav  known  a  cowcumber  vine  to  run  15  foot  in  one  ni^ht 
besides  giving  birth  to  7  voting  cowcumbers  on  the  wav. 

Koweumbers  kut  np  into  thin  slices,  and  rooled  in  peper. 
and  psalt,  and  soaked  in  vinegar,  are  good,  for  a  sharp  pain 
in  the  hebdominal  region. 

A  cowcumber  iz  about  the  only  tiling  that  i  kan  remember 
ov  now,  that  iz  good  for  nothing,  after  it  reaches  perfektslmn. 

Mister  Boggs. — Yure  letter,  informing  me  ov  the  loss  ov 
yure  dog,  reached  me  by  yesterday's  male. 

I  know  how  to  commune  with  you,  Boggs,  for  i  hav  been 
deprived  ov  a  dog  once  mi  self. 

I  lost  a  most  flattering  purp  on  the  10th  day  of  March 
three  years  ago. 

I  found  him  ded  in  a  vakant  lot,  near  mi  house. 

He  probably  had  been  struck  with  lightning,  or  sumthin  else. 

He  waz  a  most  gifted  pup,  and  could  jerk  a  night-gown  oti 
from  a  clothesline,  or  worry  a  goose,  most  butiful  tew  behold 

He  waz  a  bul  pup,  but  iz  no  more. 

Tiger  waz  hiz  fust  name. 

I  hav  made  up  mi  mind  never  to  own  enny  more  dog. 

Dog  comfort,  in  this  world  iz,  like  all  other  joy,  liable  to 
leak. 

Human  happiness  iz  skase  enny  how,  and  wants  too  mutch 
watching,  to  be  invested  in  dorgs. 


JOSH  SETTLES  UP  WITH  I  IIS  CORRESPONDENTS 
•  SUMMARILY. 

"  Philander." — If  yu  borrow  ov  the  Devil,  yu  must  keep 
yure  eye  peeled  wide  open,  for  the  Devil  always  takes  a  mort- 
gage, and  seldum  takes  one,  that  he  fails  tew  foreclose. 

"Plato" — Mi  experience,  az  far  az  i  have  got,  iz  this,  that 
i  kan  most  alwus  find  out  the  style  ov  milk  in  enny  man's 
moral  kokernutt,  by  hearing  hiz  opinion  ov  hiz  nearest  nabors, 
for  men  are  quite  apt  tew  dam  in  others,  what  they  hav  got 
the  most  ov  themselfs,  and  praze  what  they  have  got  the 
least  ov. 


476  ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

"  Pitular." — The  strongest  sentiment  in  woman  iz  modesty 
and  the  next  strongest  iz  a  silk  dress,  made  in  the  fashion. 
The  strongest  sentiment  in  man  iz  money,  and  the  next 
strongest  iz  10  per  cent,  for  the  use  ov  it. 

"  Phillip" — If  yu  expekt  to  win,  yu  hav  got  to  suffer, — 
the  bible  tells  us  that  heaven  must  be  taken  with  hard 
knocks. 

"  Pan" — Fame  iz  very  mutch  like  good  health,  them  men 
who  hunt  for  it  the  most  find  it  the  least. 

"  PoweU" — Luv  at  fust  sight  iz  perhaps  a  leetle  risky,  but 
it  iz  the  richest,  and  most  lastingest  luv  the  heart  ever  feels. 

"  Postboy" — Marrying  for  munny,  iz  much  like  falling 
out  ov  a  third  story  winder,  if  yu  happen  tew  make  a  good 
striJce,  it  iz  a  fust-rate  excuse  for  never  trying  it  again. 

"  Peacock" — Yu  will  find  in  jure  journey  through  this 
vale  ov  tears  and  valley  ov  dispair,  mutch  tew  fill  yure  soul 
with  anguish,  and  dissapointments  bitter  :^— thare  ii  one 
thing  partickularly  apt  tew  go  back  ov  ayung  man,  whoze  buz- 
zum  iz  tricing  tew  bust  with  hope,  and  that  iz — hiz  mustash. 

"Pilot" — A  man  may  hav  a  grate  deal  ov  edukashun,  and 
not  be  verry  wize,  after  awl ;  jist  az  he  may  hav  a  heap  ov 
strength,  and  not  know  the  best  holts. 

"  PUgarlick" — Yu  ask  me  the  best  way  tew  make  berlony 
sarsage.  Here  iz  the  best,  and  only  way : 

Take  an  eel,  about  six  feet  in  length,  and  about  one  feet 
in  wideness,  (git  a  lively  eel  if  possibel) ;  skin  the  eel  length- 
ways from'hed  to  foot,  and  stuff  the  skin  with  pulvarized 
gutty  perchy,  and  equal  parts  ov  merino  wool ;  seazon  with 
Scotch  snuff  and  asserfedity,  hang  it  up  bi  the  tail  in  a  Duch 
grosery  for  4  months,  for  the  flies  tew  giv  it  the  trade 
marks ;  it  iz  then  awl  rcddy  for  use,  and  kan  be  cut  up  into 
right  lengths,  and  sold  for  police  clubs. 

This  kind  ov  sarsidge  iz  the  only  one  who  took  a  gold 
medal  at  the  Paris  imposition. 

" Pharaoh" — It  iz  an  actewal  fackt  that  most  ov  us  work 
harder,  tew  seem  happy,  than  we  should  have  to,  to  be  happy 

" Pedro" — Before  yu  buy  the  hoss  yu  speak  ov,  look  him 


A  LOOSE  BTLT  EPISTLE.  ^77 

over  cluss,  but  don't  examin  him  much  afterward,  for  fear 
yu  may  cum  across  sumthing  that  yu  are  looking  after.  This 
iz  a  good  rule  tew  toller  when  yu  take  a  wife. 

"Pontoon." — The  principal  art  in  flying  a  kite  iz  tew  git 
the  tail  the  right  heft ;  tew  mutch  tail  to  things  i/.  jist  what 
haz  spilte  a  whole  parcel  ov  cl  -ver  kites. 

"Palmer.''' — Early  imprcshions  are  like  the  dews  on  the 
young  flowers,  soon  dried  off,  but  what  the  fragrance  iz  mad- 
of. 

"  Pinchback."— Don't  beleave  more  than  half  that  vu 
hear,  rumor  haz  got  rising  ov  600  tonngs,  and  can  lie  faster 
with  each  one  of  them  than  Dexter  can  trot  to  an  anatomy 
waggon. 

"Palmer." — In  reply  to  yure  kind  and  numerous  letter,  i 
am  happy  tew  state  that  mi  age  iz  a  profound  sekret,  but  i 
waz  born  in  the  old-fashioned  way  i:i  the  old  ov  the  moon, 
am  long,  but  crooked,  don't  beleaf  in  speerits  (not  even  Ja- 
imka  speerits ;)  am  married,  or  waz  twenty  years  ago.  and 
hav  every  reazon  to  beleave  that  I  am  now ;  hav  never  raized 
enny  boys  to  mi  knowledge,  on  account  ov  their  liability  tew 
git  outov  repair  ;  hav  turned  mi  attenshion  tew  rirl  children  ; 
hav  two  ov  that  specie,  one  ov  whom  iz  now  bo.-r  Hug  with 
a  yung  feller  ;  mi  hair  iz  black,  and  quite  tall  behind  ;  i  wear 
a  mustash,  and  number  10  pegged  boots;  hav  a  sangunarv 
temperament,  and  a  billyus  noze  ;  eat  az  other  folks  do,  except 
roasted  gooze ;  roasted  gooze  iz  not  one  ov  mi  weaknesses,  I 
kan  ent  two  ov  them,  and  then  take  a  little  more  ov  that  are 
goose ;  I  work  for  mi  bread  and  roast  goose  ;  hav  a  grey  eye, 
and  am  alwus  az  reddy  tew  wag  az  the  next  dog — this  iz  me. 
I.  forgot  to  state  that  I  waz  brought  up  by  a  Presbeterian 
Church  in  Massachusetts,  and  am  a  good  job. 


A  LOOSE  BILT  EPISTLE. 

DEAR  BRIGHAM  : — 
Excuse  this  peripatetick  letter. 
I  am  a  vagrant,  and  a  wanderer  on  the  trr>jl   ov  literature, 


47* 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 


and  write  letters    in    a    rekless,  hap-hazard    way.     I   want 
harnessed  young  enuff  tew  be  kind  in  all  harness. 

If  i  had  a  boy  now  who  had  enny  simptoms  ov  enny  kind 
ov  lawless,  unfixed,  and  flux  noslmns,  and  who  didn't  seem 
tew  kare  whether  he  ever  amounted  tew  enny  tiling  or  not, 
and  who  couldn't  tell  whare  he  wraz  last  night  till  half  past 

two  this  Morning,  and 
who  couldn't  recognize 
hiz  own  washer-woman, 
and  who  wanted  te\vgo 
into  bizzness  fur  him- 
self, at  16  years  old, 
writh  a  kapital  ov  two 
bottles  ov  Phalon's  ex 
trakt,  and  a  mustash, 
that  resembled  the  mold 
on  a  pound  ov  lime- 
berger  cheese,  I  would 
say  confidenshally  tu 
him : 

"  Son-,  i  hav  ben  tew 
blame  thus  far  in  frame- 
ing  yure  timber,  but  yu 
kan  bet  them  pattent 
leather  boots  yu  hav  got 
on,  and  witch  haint  bin  paid  for  yet,  that  from  now  hereafter 
yu  hav  got  tew  begin  agin,  and  weed  out  yure  gardin  sass,  and 
sucker  yure  grape  vine,  and  plough  up  yure  wild  oats,  and 
underdrain  yure  swamp  land,  and  bush  hook  yure  briar  patch 
and  fix  yure  farm  for  a  krop  ov  sum  kind  ov  grain  that  wil! 
not  disgrace  both  son  and  daddy,  when  it  iz  brought  tew 
market." 

This  iz  the  way  i  would  converse  with  the  young  Pollings, 
and  if  he  didn't  begin,  in  ten  minnitts,  tew  take  an  akount  ov 
hiz  bad  dets,  but  begin  tew  argy  the  pint  with  me.  and  ackt 
yung  rooster  up  and  down  in  front  ov  me,  mi  strong  impreshun 
iz  now,  that  i  would  retreat  a  step  and  let  fly  mi  left  purswader, 
and  land  that  boy  sum  f>0  feet  futher  oph  than  he  waz, 


1)1  DNT  KNOW  HIS  WASHERWOMAN. 


A  LOOSE  BILT  EPISTLE.  479 

It  would  hav  bin  six  hundred  dollars  in  mi  vest  pocket  if 
Burn  philanthropise!;,  about  th>»ty  years  ago,  had  got  mi  knob 
in  chancery,  and  not  given  up  the  case  till  he  had  punched 
out  ov  my  bed  the  fresh  water  noshuu  that  the  best  way  tew 
foller  a  blind  trail  in  the  wilderness  waz  not  tew  take  eimy 
Compass. 

This  kind  ov  ded  sure  knowledge,  amung  fresh  yung  men, 
Jiaz  landed  four  hundred  out  ov  evry  five  hundred  ov  them 
before  they  had  got  half  way  thru  life,  into  sum  soft  swamp, 
and  the  other  hundred  hav  sot  out  the  close  ov  their  lifes  on 
a  fence,  lamenting  the  hard  work  they  did,  in  their  vounger 
daze,  tew  make  *  '  f  phools  ov  themselfs. 

I  kno  it  iz  az  eazy  az  chawing  gum,  for  a  yung  insti.tr.!  ion  ov 
a  boy,  who  haz  got  a  burning-fluid  natur,  tew  be  anxious  tew 
jine  all  the  torch-lite  doings  in  the  country,  and  tew  holler 
"amen"  before  the  prayer  iz  haff  through  ;  but  i  feel  it  my 
duty  tew  tell  these  camphene  children  tew  cork  up  their  lite- 
ning. 

I  don't  Avant  enny  body's  boy  Billy  tew  be  a  ded  lied ;  a 
skim-milk  cheeze  ;  a  colporter  of  water  gruel  ;  a  putty  babe- 
ling;  a  kurl-papered  nussery  doll;  an  apron-tied  anatomy 
blonde;  a  timid  corpse  aiming  hiz  phellows,  afraid  ov  a  bug, 
and  satisfied  with  a  kitten. 

I  ain't  voting  for  this  breed  ov  boys  ;  i  only  ask  the  virgin- 
ity ov  mi  sex  tew  make  up  their  minds,  from  the  experiences 
ov  those  who  have  observed  the  elaphant,  that  youth  waz 
given  them,  not  tew  be  boss,  but  apprentiss  ;  not  tew  lead,  but 
tew  foller;  not  tew  harvest,  but  tew  plant. 

There  iz  no  danger  in  turning  a  snaik  loose ;  even  before 
he  gits  fairly  haired  out,  natur  teaches  him  tew  make  his  fust 
wiggle  a  correct  pattern  for  hiz  last  one.  She  makes  him  a 
snaik  from  the  word  "  go,"  and  nothing  else,  and  if  he  takes 
a  noshim  tew  go  tew  the  devil — who  cares  ? 

But  ov  all  the  most  deplorabel  luck  that  kan  be  the  inherit- 
ance ov  a  camphene  boy,  i  don't  kno  ov  a  more  dangerous 
one  than  tew  be  hiz  own  master,  or  the  master  ov  hiz  dsiddy. 

i  :iav  known  sum  ov  theze  excentricks  that  Satan  couldn't 


*480  ANSWERS  TO  COKliESPOXDENTS. 

ketch,  who  hav  dodged  him  suckcessfully  for  Ihe  whole  ov 
their  lives,  but  i  kan  tell  you,  nri  dear  boys,  it  is  no  credit  tew 
match  yourselfs  against  the  devil,  even  if  you  hav  a  ded  soft 
thing.  This  beating  the  devil  at  his  own  game,  is  like  surviv- 
ing the  small  pox,  it  may  make  yu  pro ff  agin  sum  more  small 
pox,  but  yu  are  sure  tew  show  sum  ov  the  dents, 

Dear  Brigham,  theze  remarks  are  not  intended  tew  be  per 
sonal,  they  wouldn't  fit  yu  enny  more  than  a  side-saddle  would 
fit  the  back  stretch  ov  a  trottin  track,  for  i  know  yu  hav  bin 
broke  tew  stand  without  tieing. 


SHOKT  KEPLYS. 

DEAR  ALICE. — I  kno  nothing  about  musik. 
I  dont  kno  this  tune  from  the  other. 

I  dont  kno  "  Yankee  doodle  "  from  "  IN  ow  I  lay  me  on  the 
grass,"  or  "  Mary  had  an  infant  sheep." 

I  am  unkommon  sorry  for  this,  but  dont  think  that  i  am  to 
blame  for  it. 

I  hav  melody  in  me  sumwhare,  for  enny  boddy  kan  make 
me  kry  if  they  are  kareful. 

I  love  the  tender  az  i  do  a  rare  boiled  egg. 

I  hav  shed  mermy  a  tear,  without  enny  boddy  knoing  it, 
over  some  mother's  catch,  or  simple  lulaby. 

But  this  iz  kalled  mere  weakness  by  the  artistiks. 

I  hav  seen  wimmin  in  opera,  and  also  hav  seen  them  in  fits, 
and  prefer  the  fits,  for  then  i  kno  what  tew  do  for  them. 

Yu  must  git  sum  proffessor  ov  musik  tew  answer  yure  let- 
ter, for  i  don't  kno  enny  more  about  klassikal  musik  than 
i  do  about  being  a  mother-in-law. 

Theze  are  two  very  hard  things  tew  komprehend. 

I  understand  all  about  ice  kream,  and  if  yu  ever  kum  down 
our  way,  we  will  hav  a  bowl  ov  it  together. 

It  dont  seem  tew  require  enny  branes  tew  luv  ice  krean:1, 
and  i  dont  kno  az  it  duz  tew  luv  musik.  ****** 


SIIOR'J  KEl'LYS.  48 1 

Pensive  Rebekker.—l  got  jure  letter  bi  mistake,  for  the 
letter  yu  sent  me,  yu  wrote  for  the* other  phellow. 

I  am  only  sorry  on  the  other  phellow's  aekonnt,  for  viirc 
deskripshun  ov  him,  which  i  should  hav  received,  may  worry 
him. 

It  don't  hurt  my  pheelings  tew  be  called  a  "pokey  dunce." 

I  never  waz  mutch  ov  a  favourite,  net  even  with  miself,  and 
often  think  i  am  what  yu  kail  me,  a  "  strapping  monster.*' 

Dont  let  this  little  mistake  on  yure  part  worry  yu,  for  i 
luv  frankness,  and  think  just  az  mutch  ov  yu  az  i  did  before. 

Artless  Jane. — In  repli  tew  yure  long  letter,  i  will  state 
promptly,  I  kant  see  enny  objekshuns  tew  yure  lover  kissing 
yu,  not  if  yu  want  tew  hav  him. 

Theze  things  are  all  regulated  by  the  la.v  ov  supply  and 
demand. 

If  thare  iz  a  demand  for  it,  the  supply  iz  generally  on 
hand. 

I  dont  think  it  iz  best  tew  be  too  extravagant  in  theze 
matters,  for  kissing  iz  like  all  other  hily  konsent rated  goods, 
a  little  ov  it  goes  a  good  ways. 

Too  mutch  kissing  is  like  molassis  kandy,  it  spiles  the 
hanker  for  plain  vittles. 

But  yure  own  good  taste  will  decide  when  yu  hav  bin  kisst 
enuff. 

Pretty  Rutli. — Yu  tell  me  that  yure  lover  haz  trifled  with 
yure  pheelings,  and  fled.  . 

This  has  alwus  been  the  trubble,  and  alwas  will  be,  whare 
kour'ing  iz  did  in  a  kareless  way. 

Courting  iz  business,  and  iz  jist  az  mutch  ov  a  game  az  hi 
lo  jak. 

If  you  let  yure  opponent  see  yure  jak,  he  will  be  very  apt 
ten  swing  and  ketch  it. 

Yu  shouldn't  let  yure  lover  see  yure  pheelings  tew  mutch, 
but  make  beleave  that  yu  haint  got  no  jak  in  yure  hand. 

We  all  ov  us  luv  what  we  have  tew  work  the  hardest  for, 
and  prize  it  the  most  when  we  do  git  it. 

31t 


482  ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

I  hav  seen  the  game  ov  lii  lo  jak,  that  I  am  a  talking  about, 
played  in  this  way,  and  it  waz  well  played  too. 

The  phellow  held  a  king,  and  a  ten  spot,  and  the  gall  held 
a  jack,  and  a  duce. 

The  phellow  swung  for  the  jack  with  his  king,  and  kaught 
the  duce,  and  then  the  gal1  „ \vung  with  her  jak,  and  kaught 
his  10  spot. 

Theze  kind  ov  galls  never  hav  tew  advertise  for  runaway 
lovers. 

Gay  Betsey. — Mi  opinyun  ov  oysters,  on  the  haff  shell, 
remains  unchanged.  I  konsidder  them  better  vittles  than  ever 
jupiter,  or  hiz  wife  Juno,  swallowed,  altho  they  had  the  pick 
ov  all  the  best  provishuns  in  their  day. 

But  i  kant  say  that  a  woman  kan  take  an  oyster,  oph  from 
a  shell,  without  spileing  the  effekt. 

It  iz  one  ov  them  gimnastik  feats,  that  they  should  alwas 
praktiss  fust,  for  a  long  time,  in  the  subdued  stilness  ov  sum 
private  pantry. 

I  kant  tell  yu  whether  an  oyster  haz  got  enny  pheelings  or 
not,  but  i  kno  they  hav  excellent  taste,  espeshily  the  saddle 
roks. 

They  hav  more  taste  than  judgement,  and  tho  they  are 
called  muscles,  they  have  no  muskaler  strength. 

They  are  also  called  "  bivalves  "  bi  the  unlearned,  but  this 
iz  a  vulgarism. 

The  true  name  iz  "  good-bye  valves,"  a  term  of  affeckshun 
applied  tew  them,  when  they  waz  fust  swallowed  whole  oph 
from  the  haft*  shell. 

If  you  will  ponder  into  history,  az  i  hav,  yu  will  find  menny 
sitch  thing  az  this  tew  provoke  yure  gratitude  and  wisdum. 

Giv  mi  love  tew  yure  sister  Amelia,  and  tell  her,  that  i  say, 
she  haz  got  what  but  phew  wimmiii  hav,  who  hav  got  az 
mutch  buty,  she  haz  got  a  sweet  temper. 

A  sweet  temper  always  grows  brighter  with  age,  while 
buty  iz  extra  hazardous,  and  perishable  goods. 


WJMMINS  RIGHTS.  .&J 

"lf~I  DEAR  Miss  JEMIMA  JOSEPHINE  JKXKINS  : 
ITl  I  received  your  kind  letter  on   time,  asking  me  tew 
impart  rni  influence  tew  prokure  foryu  the  privilege  (and  sun- 


dry  and  divers  other  females  in  yure  school  deestrikt)  tew 
vote,  and  hav  offis,  and  do  the  same  things  that  men  do. 

I  hav  thought  over  the  thing  industriously,  and  should  bo 
happy  to  floor  niiself,  and  all  mi  encrgys  at  ymv  fee',  in  eiinv 
pauze  that  i  thought  M'az  for  your  happiness  and  f;n  1  .<:u-kcos-. 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

I  am  in  favour  ov  wimmin,  and  they  kan  o'.vn  me  at  enny 
moment  bi  asking  for  me  or  dropping  me  a  letter. 

I  owe  them  mi  existence,  mi  fust  nourishment,  and  mi  fust 
virtews. 

If  i  am  ever  saved  it  will  be  the  result  ov  woman's  care  and 
influence,  at  a  time  when  i  want  worth  saving. 

Woman  haz  dun  for  me  what  no  man  co;ild  or  would  do. 

But,  Jemima,  Eve,  yure  gratist  grandmother,  committed  a 
mistake,  a  good  deal  bigger  than  the  one  which  yuare  anxious 
tew  commit,  but  thare  iz  a  remote  similarity  in  the  mistakes. 

She  wanted  tew  kno  and  hav  a  hand  in  awl  that  waz  agoing 
on,  and  the  Devil  offered  tew  teach  her,  and  yu  hav  heard 
what  the  result  M~az. 

Mi  advise  tew  yu  iz  tew  stay  right  whare  yu  are,  yu  hav  a 
power  now  that  never  kan  be  less  if  yu  hold  on  to  it,  but  if 
yu  spit  on  yure  hands  tew  git  a  better  holt  yu  may  lose  yure 
grip  entirely. 

"When  yu  begin  tew  vote  yu  hav  got  tew  learn  how  tew 
wrangle,  tew  jaw  back,  tew  intrigue,  and  bet  yure  stamps  on 
the  election,  and  if  yu  vote  contrary  tew  yure  husband  thare 
will  be  a  muss  in  the  family,  and  if  he  votes  kontrary  tew  yu 
there  will  be  a  bigger  muss  in  the  family. 

Voting  iz  a  mere  negatiff  power  ennyhow.  If  a  vote  aint 
hove  right  it  iz  wuss  than  no  vote,  and  whit  assurance  hav  yu 
tew  offer  that  yu  are  going  tew  vote  right '.  Yu  hav  more 
sensitiveness  than  the  men  have,  and  konsequently  more 
prejudices,  yu  hav  got  full  az  mutch  vanity  and  a  heap  more 
stubborn  ess. 

Thare  iz  more  than  haff  the  votes  hove  now  without  judge- 
ment or  influenced  bi  others. 

If  yu  git  hold  ov  the  ballot  box  what  reformashuns  dew  yu 
propose  ? 

I  hav  never  saw  yure  platform. 

Yu  will  vote  against  whiskee,  i  hope,  arid  tobbacco,  and 
whiskers,  and  club  rooms,  and  trotting  hosses,  and  pitching 
cents,  and  staying  out  late  nights,  and  wearing  pattent  leather 
boots,  two  sizes  too  small,  and  lots  ov  this  kind  ovmale  iniquity, 
but  what  are  YU  <r<mi<f  tu  vote  for  I 


WIMMINS  RIGHTS.  485 

Yu  will  hav  tew  vote  agin  trials  bi  jury,  and  dispose  ov 
them  or  else  yu  will  hav  tew  sit  on  jurys,  and  will  i;;j8  be 
yure  best  style  ?-  eight  men  and  four  wimmin  locked  up  in 
a  jury  room  all  night  together,  on  bred  and  water,  with  yure 
husbands  peeking  thru  the  key  holes,  tew  see  how  the  verdik 
is  a  going. 

Yu  will  hav  tew  vote  agin  a  poll  tax,  and  git  rid  ov  poll 
taxes,  or,  if  y  u  are  poor,  y  u  will  hav  te\v  work  yure  tax  out  on  the 
road,  alongside  ov  sum  rum  drinking  and  tobbaco  chawing 
wretch,  who  will  take  grate  pains  tew  chaw,  and  sware,  tew 
show  hiz  Biiperiorite  tew  yu. 

Yu  will  hav  tew  vote  agin  all  riots,  and  resere?:kshuns,  and 
thus  pnt  an  end  tew  them,  or  else  when  thare  iz  an  irishriot, 
to  kill  oph  the  surpluss  niggers,  yu  will  hav  tew  cum  out  armed 
with  sumthing,  if  nothing  more  than  a  pair  ov  tongs,  and  just 
az  like  az  not  looze  yure  best  waterfall  in  the  mussness,  jist 
think  how  billyous  this  will  be. 

Yu  will  hav  tew  vote  agin  awl  kind  ov  housework,  for  how 
kan  yu  run  the  United  States  government,  if  yu  are  kept 
patching  pantaloons  all  the  time  ? 

Yn  will  hav  tew  vote  agin  enny  more  human  beings  making 
their  appearance,  for  who  iz  a  going  tew  nourish  the  babe, 
while  yu  are  down  tew  the  town  hall,  tricing  tew  eh'kt  a  fa- 
vourite constabel,  yure  husband  kant  do  itenny  how,  unless  yu 
hav  him  rekonstrakted. 

Suppoze  yu  git  elektcd  tew  congress  from  yure  distrikt, 
every  woman  in  the  country,  who  haz  got  a  husband  thare, 
will  be  on  hand  tew  watch  how  things  are  a  going,  and  yu 
will  be  acused  ov  transgreshuns,  that  never  entered  yure  lied, 
or  hart. 

Suppoze  yu  had  a  vote  to  day,  dew  yu  know  of  enny 
•woman  on  arth,  that  yu  would  vote  for,  i  mean,  unmarried 
woman,  like  yureself  ? 

Miss  Jemima,  Josephine,  Jenkins,  the  more  i  grind  these 
things  in  mi  mind,  the  more  i  think  yu  had  better  turn  yure 
attenshun  towards  harvesting  a  good  husthand,  and  making 
his  house  the  envy  ov  the  naberhood,  bi  the  gentle,  and 


4:86  ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

domestik  virtews,  which  Heaven  haz  so  lavishly  loaned 
yu,  rather  than  attending  caucusses,  holding  wimmin  conven- 
shuns,  or  travelling  athwart  the  country,  in  company  with  a 
set  of  longhaired,  male  hybrids,  who  haven't  got  enny  repu- 
tashun  tew  spare,  and  who  will  cheat  yu  out  ov  what  yu  hav 
got. 

If  you  or  enny  other  virtewous,  gentle  woman,  wants  an 
ernest  defender,  one  who  deleaves  that  yure  sex  holds  the 
ballance  ov  power  now,  one  who  looks  upon  a  mother  (who 
ever  she  iz)  az  the  queen  ov  the  situation,  one  who  looks  upon 
a  sister  az  an  angel  friend,  one  who  looks  upon  a  daughter  az 
the  gift  of  God,  one  who  looks  upon  a  wife  with  awl  the 
pathos  of  venerashun,  if  yu  want  any  help  from  sich  a  phel- 
ler,  in  battling  with  the  trials  that  Heaven  haz  planted  in  the 
pathway  ov  a  womans  legitimate  sphear,  send  for  me,  i  am 
yure  man. 

But  i  hav  no  ambishun  tew  see  yu  a  voter,  and  i  think  the 
hour  which  sees  yure  sex,  in  this  country,  voters,  will  see  the 
eazy  and  rapid  dissolushun  ov  the  only  barrier  we  have, 
between  the  coarse  instinkts  ov  man,  and  the  sakred  safety  ov 
the  domestick  vertews,  ov  which  yu  hav  been  ordained  the 
vestal  keepers. 

Pardon  me,  Miss  Jemima,  if  mi  language  in  this  letter  iz 
strong,  it  curns  from  a  strong  place,  mi  heart,  if  i  didn't  mean 
what  i  say  i  should  hav  bin  az  sweet  az  a  courtier,  i  should 
hav  torked  about  the  gorgeous  mission  of  woman,  the  exalted 
career  that- might  be  opened  for  her  in  walks  yet  untrod,  and 
other  rhapsodys  in  the  key  bugle  style,  but  i  kno  the  po\ver 
that  woman  haz  over  me,  and  i  kno  whare  it  lays,  it  dont  lay 
in  the  ballot  box,  it  lays  in  that  misterious  delikasy  ov  hers, 
thoze  silken  threads,  whoze  power  iz  invisible. 

In  summing  up,  if  i  kno  ennything  about  human  natur  all 
that"  Wirnmin's  rights"  means,  iz,  more  power,  and  enny 
woman  who  would  exchange  a  single  article,  in  the  "  magua- 
karta  "  which  she  now  iz  empress  ov,  for  the  whole  ov  the 
byelaws,  constitushun,  and  power  sought  for,  in  the  ranting 
programme  ov  a  "  wimmins  right  convenshun,"  would  be 
an  intrinsick  bower,  for  an  emaskulated  privilege. 


DOG  TALK.  487 

"Barney"— I  received  the  rat  tarrier  yu  sent  me  hv  the 
Merchants'  Union  Express,  last  evening,  and  gave  him  aijiurt 
ov  milk  for  hiz  tea. 

He  pocketed  the  milk,  and  wagged  for  sum  more;  it  made 
him  stick  out  like  a  false  caft'. 

lie  slept  sound  last  night,  and  hasn't  waked  up  yet,  altho 
it  iz  now  10  o'clock  this  morninsr. 

c"1 

I  have  stopped  writing  tew  tickle  hiz  ix.se  with  a  pin,  and 
he  iz  now  rushing  things  around  the  room  for  sum  rats. 

He  haz  just  tipped  over  a  Chinese  god,  worth  S  dollars,  and 
broke  him,  lie  will  git  rats  when  mi  wile  rums  in. 

lie  kant  find  enny  rats,  and  is  now  chawing  oph  mi  little 
boy's  toe— to  hiz  shoe. 

He  iz  now  crazy  for  rats  agin,  and  will  smash  the  other 
vase  agin,  I'll  bet. 

Thare  goes  the  other  vase,  bi  thunder!  all  tew  powder. 

lie  iz  now  out  ov  wind,  and  iz  running  hiz   tunjr  out  and 

O  O 

in. 

He  wants  tew  go  out  doors  for  sum  thing,  and  i  hav  let  him 
went. 

lie  haz  just  found  a  poor  little  boy  in  the  street,  whom  he 
knows,  and  the  boy  seems  tew  know  him,  and  they  hav  gone 
round  the  next  block,  on  a  run,  together,  tew  see  sumthing. 

He  don't  seem  tew  cum  back  ! 

It  iz  now  to-morrow,  and  the  tarrier  don't  seem  tew  cum 
back. 

My  wilV  iz  glad  ov  it. 

I  am  out  "2  vases,  a  quart  of  nu  milk,  and  one  tarrier. 

My  wife  sez,  if  i  ever  buy  another  rat  pup,  she  will  put  him 
tew  immediate  soak  in  the  cistern  at  oust. 

Mi  wife  iz  one  ov  them  kind  ov  wimmin  that  don't  make 
enny  statements  unless  they  are  true,  so  yu  needn't  send  me 
enny  more  tarrier. 

"jFra/." — Yu  aint  obliged  tu  ask  a  gals  mother,  if  yu  ma 
go  home  with  her  fivm  apartee.  git  thegals  endorsement,  and 
sale  i:i ;  it  iz  \  roper  enufftu  a.-k  her  tu  take  yuroarm,  but  yi< 
haint  got  no  rite  tu  put  yure  arm  around  her  waste,  unless  yu 


488 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 


meet  a  Bear  on  the   rode,  and  then  yu  are  bound  tu  take 

yure  arm   away,  just   az    soon  az  the  Bear  gits  safely  by. 

"  /Snyder" — Rats  originally  cum  from  Norway,  and  i  wish 

they  had  origin- 
ally staid  thare. 
They  are  about 
as  uncalled  for  aa 
a  pain  in  the 
small  ov  the 
back.  They  kan 
be  dornestikated 
dreadful  e  a  z  y , 
that  is,  as  far  as 
gitting  in  cup- 
boards,  and  eat- 
ing  cheese,  arid 
knawing  pie,  is 
concerned. 

The  best  way 
tew  domestikate 
them  that  ever  I  saw,  is  tew  surround  them  gently,  with  a 
steel  trap;  yu  kan  reason  with  them  then  tew  grate  ad- 
vantage. 

Rats  are  migratorious,  they  migrately  whare  ever  they  hav 
a  mind  to. 

Pi  sen  is  also  good  for  rats;  it  softens  their  whole  moral 
naturs. 

Cats  hate  rats,  and  rats  hate  cats,  and — who  don't. 
I  serpose  thare  is  between  50  and  60  millions  of  rats  in 
Amerika  (i  quote  now  entirely  from  memory,)  and  i  don't 
serpose  thare  is  a  single  necessary  rat  in  the  whole  lot.  This 
shows  at  a  glance  how  menny  waste  rats  thare  is.  Rats  enhance 
in  numbers,  faster  than  shoe  pegs  do  by  machinery.  One 
pair  ov  helthy  rats  is  awl  that  enny  man  wants  tew  start  the 
rat  Lissiness  with,  and  in  ninety  days,  without  enny  outlay, 
he  will  begin  tew  hav  rats, — tew  turn  oph. 

e  never  furnish,  ortograffs  in  less  quantity  tha? 


CORRESPONDENCE. 

bi  die  package.  It  iz  a  bizness  tliat  grate  men  hav  got  into 
but  it  dont  strik  us  az  being  profitable  nor  amuzing.  AVe  fur- 
nished a  near  and  very  dear  friend  our  ortograff  a  few  years 
ago,  fc.f'  90  days,  and  it  got  into  the  hands  ov  one  of  the 
banks,  j»nd  it  kost  us  $275  tew  get  it  bsu-k.  AVe  went  out  of 
the  bizztioss  then,  and  have  not  hankered  for  it  sinse. 

Manifest  destiny  iz  a  disseaze,  but  it  iz  eazy  tew  heal ;  i 
hav  seen  it  in  its  wust  stages  cured  bi  sawing  a  cord  ov  dri 
hickory  wcMl.  I  thought  i  had  it  onse,  it  broke  out  in  the 
shape  ov  poetry  ;  i  sent  a  speciment  ov  the  disseaze  tew  a 
magazine,  the  magazine  man  wrote  me  nex  day  as  follers : 

"  Dear  Sur  :  Yu  may  be  a  darn  phule,  but  yu  are  no  poeck. 
Yures,  in  haste." 

Matty — It  iz  very  natral  that  you  should  ask  me  in  what 
manner  you  should  reseave  the  proposal  from  your  lover.  It 
iz  sumthing  ov  a  trick  tew  dew  it  nice.  You  don't  ought  tew 
jump  into  the  collar  suddin,  nor  fly  back  suddin,  like  abocky 
hoss,  but  yu  ought  tew  take  it  kind,  looking  down  hill,  with 
an  expreshun,  about  half  tickled  and  half  scart.  After  the 
pop  iz  over,  if  your  luvver  wants  tew  kiss  you,  I  dont  think 
I  would  say  yes  or  no,  but  let  the  thing  kind  ov  take  its  own 
course. 

MiraHe : — Yu  sa  "  yu  kant  understand  the  mirakle  ov  tho 
whale,  that  swallered  Joner."  I  dont  serpose  that  Joner,  nor 
the  whale,  ever  fully  understood  it  themselfs.  I  kant  tell  yu 
what  Joner  did  while  in  the  whale's  sosiety;  but  i  kno  what 
a  yankee  would  hav  did,  he  would  hav  rigged  a  rudder  on 
the  animal,  and  run  him  into  port,  and  either  klaimed  the  ile 
tor  salvage,  or  sold  out  his  chanse. 


SHORT.  BUT  SWEET. 


SHOKT,  BUT  SWEET. 

Richard. — Yu  done  wisely  tew  ask  me  questions  in  Natrai 
history.  I  am  perfektly  at  hum  amimg  beasts,  burds,  and 
fishes.  I  kan  tell  win  the  flea  bights,  win  the  bull  bellers, 
and  win  the  rinosseross  hasn't  got  but  one  tusk,  and  that  on 
the  top  of  his  knoze.  I  hav  writ  the  biography  ov  alJ 
tlieze  kritters,  from 
the  genial  muskee- 
ter  and  pensiv  cock- 
roach klean  up  tew 
the  elephant,  with 
hiz  trunk,  and  the 
lion,  who  hain't  got 
enny  trunk  at  all. 
You  ask  me  about 
the  zebra.  The  ze- 
bra iz  a  striped  hoss, 
the  wildesst  thing  in 
natral  history  ov  hiz 
size,  and  az  hard 
tew  civilize  az  the 
hyena,  and  az  use- 
less, when  civilized, 
az  the  osstritch  or  the 
rattlesnaik.  They 
don't  inhabit  the  United  States  at  large ;  they  may  liv  iu 
Kanda,  if  they  hav  a  mind  to — I  never  hav  been  thare  tew 
diskover.  They  are  about  the  size  ov  a  moderate  mule,  but 
they  kant  kik  with  the  mule.  Thare  ain't  nothing  that  kiks 
for  phun  or  kiks  for  a  living  that  kan  outkik  a  mule,  except 
it  iz  an  old-fashioned,  Continental,  revolushionary  war,  Fourth 
ov  July  musket;  Put  about  3  and  a  haif  inches  ov  powder 


ANSWERS  TO  COUttESPOXDKXTS.  491 

iiitooneov  theze  old  vetrans  of  177»>,  ram  it  dovn  heavy, 
and  lay  it  on  a  stump,  and  tutch  it  oph  with  aslo  match,  and 
I  had  justaz  leafs  stand  in  front  ov  it  az  tew  stand  in  the 
rear  ov  it.  Thare  iz  sum  ov  the  oldest  and  crosses!  ov  theze 
muskets  that  will  kik,  and  even  squeal,  if  yu  go  near  them, 
whether  they  are  loaded  or  not.  The  zebra  iz  ov  no  use 
whatever  only  tew  look  at,  at  25  cents  a  chance,  in  sum  circus 
tent,  but  after  they  are  broke  they  are  spilte  for  ennv  thing 
else.  They  are  like  all  other  wild  animals— fleet  only  for  a  short 
distance  ;  and  civilizashun  iz  a  grate  damage  tew  thejn,  just 
az  it  iz  tew  an  injun.  Deth  it  the  only  kind  ov  ci\  ili/ashun 
that  an  injun  kan  understand. 

Caroline. — Yu  ask  me  whi  i  dont  write  sweet,  and  senti- 
mental, and  luvly  things. 

I  aint  bilt  right,  Caroline,  for  that  kind  ov  labor. 
I  am  tew  round-shouldered,  tew  write  perfumed  sentanres. 
When  i  git  hold  ov  an  idee,  i  hav  tew  let  it  go   out,  into 
the   world,  like  a  bird   oph  from  mi   hand,  bareheaded,  and 
barefooted,  a  sort  ov  vagrant. 

If  i  should  undertake  tew  dress  it  up  in  fine  clothes,  sum 
folks  would  say  i  stole  the  idee,  and  other  folks  would  sav  i 
tried  tew  steal  the  clothes,  tew  dress  it  in,  and  got  ketched  at 
it. 

I  make  no  pretentious  tew  literature,  i  pay  no  homage  tew 
elegant  sentances,  i  had  rather  be  the  father  ov  one  genuine, 
original  truth,  i  don't  kare  if  it  iz  az  humpbacked  az  a  drum- 
udary,  than  tew  be  the  author  ov  a  whole  volume  ov  glitter- 
ing cadences,  gotten  up,  for  wintergreen-eating  schoolgirls 
tew  nibble  at. 

Benjamin. — Horace  Greeley  iz  not  what  may  be  termed 
a  praktikal  farmer,  he  iz  what  iz  kalled  a  dikshionary  farmer. 
The  papers  tell  us  he  looks  for  cabages  on  trees,  digs  for 
apples,  hunts  stun  walls  for  hens  eggs,  haz  tried  tew  improve 
the  flavor  ov  mutton,  by  a  kross  ov  the  hidraulik  ram  on  the 
south-down,  splits  the  duks  feet,  so  they  kan  stand  a  fair 
chance  with  a  hen  when  they  cum  tew  the  skratch,  combs  hiz 
roosters  heds,  by  cutting  oph  their  topnots,  lathers  and  shave* 


SHORT,  BUT  SWEET. 

hiz  platting  hogs  3  times  a  week,  makes  his  cows  weal 
gree;igogles,  so  they  will  mistake  shavings,  and  peabrush  for 
clover,  piks  hiz  geese  once  in  24  hours  tew  keep  them  cool, 
and  throws  away  the  feathers,  digs  a  hoel  in  the  ground  and 
plants  oats,  a  pek  in  a  place,  and  runs  a  grind  stun,  and  two 
pattent  churns,  by  konnekting  sum  kind  ov  a  pattent  kon- 
trivance  to  hiz  cows  tails  in  fli  time. 

Now  if  theze  fakts  are  trew,  Horace  Greely  iz  not  a  prak- 
tikal  farmer,  he  iz  only  a  genius  in  husbandry  a  hundred 
years  ailed  ov  the  time. 

I  haven't  mutch  doubt  miself  a  hundred  years  from  now 
science  and  theory,  and  book  laming  will  have  so  changed 
agrikultur  that  every  time  a  hen  laze  an  egg,  they  won't  in- 
dulge in  the  silly  kackel  they  do  now,  but  will  sing  sum  lively 
air,  and  the  old  rooster  will  dance  tew  the  musik  in  front  ov 
the  nest. 

Thare  iz  a  good  time  comeing,  so  we  are  told,  and  we  have 
waited  so  long  for  it,  wre  might  az  well  hang  on  now  till  it 
cums. 

Prudence. — I  received  yure  kind  letter  yesterday,  and 
must  admit  that  i  kant  answer  ynre  question. 

I  don't  kno  what  a  Dolly  Varden  iz. 

I  kno  that  all  the  ladys,  when  they  walk  out,  hav  an  im- 
mense sight  of  clothes,  all  in  one  spot,  about  the  center  ov 
their  backs,  but  whether  this  iz  a  Dolly  Varden,  or  knot,  I 
dont  kno,  and  darsent  ask. 

I  hav  looked  in  Webster  unabridged,  and  kant  find  it 
thare.  I  hav  waded  in  the  ensiklopedio,  and  lo !  it  aint 
thare.  I  have  asked  all  mi  bachelor  friends,  and  they  blush, 
and  begin  tew  talk  about  the  poets,  Longfellow  and  Harry 
Bassett.  I  have  spoke  tew  married  men  about  it,  (I  am  mar- 
ried too)  and  they  say  " husk"  and  pass  on  in  a  grate  hurry, 
and  I  begin  tew  guess,  the  whole  thing  iz  a  kussid  sell,  got 
up  expressly  to  Bear  the  market. 

Prudence,  I  giv  it  up  square,  I  dont  kno  what  a  Dolly 
Yarden  iz,  and  I  aint  a  going  tew  try  to  find  out  enny  more 
nuther,  for  I  am  satisfied,  from  what  I  hav  found  out  about 
It  anready,  that  it  iz  none  ov  mi  bizzness. 


i::*  TO  CUHKESPUMJLM  *  4^3 

Picayune.— The  sucker  iz  uot  a  game  phi.,),  the  very 
name  indicates  that. 

They  won't  bight  at  a  hook,  and  are  a  lazy  set  ov  vagrants, 
emigrating  in  the  spring  ov  the  year,  out  ov  muddy  mill 
ponds,  up  sluggish  streams,  into  the  countrv. 

They  kant  liv  in  swift  water,  they  are  too  lazy  tew  ketch 
heir  breth  in  it. 

They  are  az  tasteless  az  a  merino  potatoe,  and  az  for  general 
intelligence,  are  jist  about  on  a  par,  with  a  korn  kob. 

They  are  kaught  with  a  spear,  and  thare  iz  just  about  az 
mutch  sport  in  it,  az  stabbing  seed  cowcumbers  in  a  garden, 
by  moonlite,  with  a  three-tine:!  fork. 

Howard. — Your  letter  iz  come  tew  hand  and  iN  kontenta 
karefully  weighed,  and  I  find  that  they  don't  weigh  heavy. 

In  reply,  we  beg  leaf  tew  state  that  the  North  Pole  liaz  not 
bin  found  out  yet. 

Du  notiss  ov  its  length,  and  its  size  at  the  but!,  and  the 
kind  ov  fowls  that  hav  bin  roostin  on  it,  and  the  kind  ov 
wood  on  which  it  iz  bilt.  and  the  amount  ov  kindling  wood 
it  would  undoubtedly  make,  well  split  up,  and  its  universal 
history  will  appear-  in  the  Spice  Box  collum,  just  az  soon  az 
the  Pole  iz  got. 

In  the  mean  time  keep  cool,  kultivate  your  mustash,  bo 
polite  tew  your  ritch  aunt,  if  you  hav  got  one,  studdy  Hall's 
guide  tew  health,  and  shun  all  grass-widders. 

Caroline. — Yu  ask  us,  "  Which  iz  worth  the  most  tew  a 
woman,  buty.  or  modesty." 

For  a  quick  return,  perhaps  buty  iz,  but  for  an  investment, 
for  the  sake  ov  the  interest,  we  rekomend  modesty. 

Modesty  never  grows  stale,  but  buty  iz  like  bukwheat 
kakes,  aint  good  kold,  nor  warmed  up  nex  day. 

We  konsiderbuty  one  ov  the  best  JcollatteraJs  that  a  woman 
kan  possess,  but  if  she  haint  got  nothing  else  but  buty,  sho 
aint  no  better  off  than  she  would  be  with  a  life  insurance 
policy,  which  was  forfeited  for  the  non-payment  of  premiums. 

Buty  alone  wont  «v  o>  well,  an-1  thare  iz  a  gra'e  <'e:d  of  it 
now  daze  that  wont  ?/v/.v/i  at  all  and  k<vp  its  color. 


JOSH  REPLIES. 

JOSH  REPLIES. 

"  Thomas" — "Jordan  is  a  hard  road  to  travel,"  i  kant  teL 
you  who  was  the  inventor  ov  this  saying,  sum  foot  sore  cue 
probably,  who  waz  too  lazy  to  keep  a  hoss  and  waggon,  or 
else  a  hotel  darkey 
cany  in'  trunks  all  day. 

"Ferdin  and"— "Man 
wants  but  little  here 
belo,  nor  wants  that 
little  long,"  iz  a  libel, 
man  wants  evry  thing 
he  kan  fee,  or  hear  ov, 
and  never  is  willing  to 
let  go  ov  hiz  grab. 
Whenever  yu  find  a 
man  who  iz  thoroughly 
satisfied  with  what  he 
has  got,  yu  will  find 
either  an  ideot,  or  one 
who  haz  tried  to  git 
more  and  couldn't  do  it. 
The  older  a  man 
growrs,  the  more  want- 
ful  he  bekums.  and  az  hiz  hold  on  life  slakens,  hiz  pinch  on  a 
dollar  grows  grippy. 

"Herod" — He  that  puts  a  small  value  on  hiz  services, 
issues  proposals  tew  the  lowest  bidder.  When  yu  make  a 
request  ov  divine  Providence,  it  iz  best  to  be  modest,  if  yu 
expekt  to  git  what  you  ask  for,  but  there  is  so  little  modesty 
in  the  world,  between  men,  that  when  we  cum  acrost  it,  wre 
mistake  it  for  ignorance  or  imbecility.  Yu  will  often  sec; 
little  boys  ketching  flies,  and  killing  them  just  for  fun,  but 
you  don't  see  them  ketch  hornets  just  for  fun.  The  sting  in 
the  hornet's  tail  iz  what  makes  him  respektable. 

" Miller" — Yu  hav  got  it  right  the  fust  time,  ingratitude 
h  one  ov  them  crimes  that  evry  boddy  sticks  up  their  noze 


A    HARD    ROAD    TO    TRABBLE. 


AMSWEKS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS.  49t 

at,  it  is  the  worst  insult  we  kan  giv,  or  receive,  it  lets  a  man 
drop  down  belo  the  level  ov  the  dnm  brutes,  for  the  yellow- 
est, and  meanest  dog  in  the  United  States  wags  hiz  tail,  if  yu 
throw  him  but  a  burnt  crust.  What  an  awful  thought  it  iz, 
that  ingratitude  iz  the  common  sin  against  God. 

"Matilda."— Kissing  is  one  ov  the  rudiments,  Imbys  are 
learnt  it  instead  ov  the  alphabet,  but  they  dont  understand 
the  strong  points  in  it,  yet  they  seem  tow  Inv  it  without  know- 
ing why,  this  iz  a  bricky  argument  that  kissing!/  onem  nature 
most  natural  noshuns.  I  kant  tell  y,;  whether  thare  is  enny 
pertikular  etiket  to  be  observed  in  administrating  a  kiss  or  not. 
Between  lovers  it  iz  sumtimes  usual  to  kiss  and  hang  on,  but 
it  strikes  me  that  the  best  way  iz  tew  cum  up  frunt  face,  in 
single  file,  then  fire  and  fall  back  one  pace,  this  gives  the 
patients  a  chance  tew  get  the  flavour.  The  grate  buty  ov  a 
kiss  lies  in  its  impulsiveness,  and  in  its  impressibility,  two 
pretty  big  words,  but  worth  the  munny. 

I  haven't  dun  enny  thing  in  the  kissing  line,  (ov  an  ama- 
teur natur,)  ov  late  years,  and  there  may  be  sum  new  dodge, 
that  i  aint  posted  in,  but  the  old-fashioned,  25  year  ago  kind, 
i  remember  fresh,  that  kind  didn't  hav  enny  iruthematicka 
in  it,  but  waz  more  like  spontaneous  combustion. 

Kissing,  az  a  general  thing,  iz  not  very  interesting  tew  by- 
standers, and  iz  sumtimes  even  looked  upon,  by  a  third  party, 
az  uncalled-for. 

"  Warwick" — u  lie  that  givcth  tew  the  poor,  lendeth  tew 
the  Lord,"  if  yu  had  read  yure  Bible  az  mutch  az  i  hav,  yu 
wouldn't  hav  asked  me  if  Shakespeare  wrote  this  remark. 

Charity  iz  az  mutch  ov  a  privilege,  az  it  iz  a  duty,  and  lend 
ing  to  the  Lord,  iz  undoubted  security,  for  enny  man's  munny. 

He  that  gives  nothing  away  while  living,  dies  a  bankrupt, 
and  biz  estate  iz  generally  settled  by  hiz  heirs,  a  good  deal 
az  the  crows  settle  a  ded  boss,  by  pitching  into  the  remains. 

Thare  iz  menny  folks  whoze  hearts  bile  with  charity,  but 
whoze  extremitys  are  cold,  a  half  a  dollar  kontrakts  tow  a  3 
cent  piece,  by  the  time  it  reaches  the  end  ov  their  fingers. 

"  Gildad," — Yure  juicy  letter  haz  question.-,  enufl'tcw  make 


196  ,OSH  A:>D  THE  ctxviMii TE  MAN. 

a  distrikt-school -master  faint,  and  if  i  should  answer  them  aVl, 
vu  would  be  fuller  ov  ediikashun  than  an  auhnanak. 

Who  the  author  ov  the  saying,  "  the  good  die  yung,"  waz, 
i  don't  care,  but  i  will  remark,  if  that  iz  a  good  bet,  theyunger 
a  man  kan  die  the  better ;  and  not  tew  be  born  at  all,  iz  a  ded 
sure  thing. 

Again,  az  it  regards  the  number  ov  years  that  a  kat  kan 
live,  that  depends  entirely  upon  circumstances,  they  kant  liv 
over  Sunday  with  me. 

"Abel.^ — Yu  kant  pick  out  a  hipokrite  by  his  looks,  enny 
more  than  yu  kan  a  fat  oyster  by  the  shell,  they  are  frequently 
like  an  old  musket,  laid  away  up  garret,  hav  often  bin  known, 
tew  let  oph  a  charge,  that  had  been  sleeping,  with  one  eye 
open,  for  3  years.  They  are  like  silver-plated  forks,  wear 
well  for  a  long  time,  but  are  sure  to  show  the  odious  braos  at 
last. 

"  Hannibal" — Giving  presents,  with  the  hope  of  receiving 
presents  in  return,  takes  away  awl  the  cream  ov  giving,  or 
receiving,  it  is  like  swopping  skim-milk,  for  milk  that  has  bin 
skimd. 

"  Mercury" — "  Owe  for  a  lodge  in  sum  vast  wilderness," 
waz  the  private  opinion  of  Mr.  Cowper,  one  ov  the  very  few 
men,  who  hav  lived  yet,  who  waz  pure  enuff,  tew  monopolize 
a  woods,  without  enny  company  but  his  soul,  and  the  God  who 
made  it.  Most  people  holler  for  solitude  without  thinking 
that  it  iz  a  thickly  settled  place,  full  ov  memorys.  Solitude 
is  the  last  place  for  a  good  man  to  go  to,  and  the  only  place 
that  a  wicked  man  kant  liv  in.  Even  wild  beasts  dent  like 
solitude,  and  luv  tew  see  tV.e  smoke  ov  a  chimbly.  Solitude, 
in  small  doses,  iz  all  well  enuff,  but  25  miles  square  ov  it, 
would  make  most  men,  either  a  counterfiter,  or  a  hoss  thie£ 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 


JOSH  BILLINGS  CORRESPONDS  WITH  A    "HAIR 
OIL  AND  VEGETABLE  BITTERS  MAN." 

Dear  Doktor  Hirsute : — I  reseaved  a  tin  cup  ov  yure  "  Hair 
purswader,"  also  a  bottle  ov  yure  Salvashun  Bitters,"  bi 
express,  for  which,  I  express  my  thanks. 

The  greenbak,  which  yu  enklozed  waz  the  kind  ov  pur- 
swader  that  we  ov  the  press  fully  understand. 

Yur  hair  grease,  shall  hav  a  reglar  ginmastik  puff,  jist  az 
soon  az  i  kan  find  a  spare  time. 

I  tried  a  little  ov  it  on  an  old  counter  brush  in  my  offiss, 
this  morning,  and  in  15  minnitts,  the  brussellss  grew  long  az 
a  hosses  tale,  and  i  notis  this  afternoon,  the  hair  begins  tew 
cum  up  thru,  on  bak  ov  the  brush,  'tis  really  wonderful !  'tis 
almoste  Eureka !  I  rubbed  a  drop  or  two  on  the  head  ov  mi 
cane,  which  haz  bin  bald  for  more  than  5  years,  and  beggar 
me !  if  I  don't  hav  to  shave  the  cane  handle,  evry  day,  before 
I  can  walk  out  with  it. 

I  hav  a  verry  favrite  cat,  she  iz  one  ov  the  Hambletoriiau 
breed  ov  cats,  and  altho  she  iz  yung,  and  haint  bin  trained 
yet,  she  shows  grate  signs  ov  speed. 

I  thought  I  would  just  rub  the  corck  ov  the  bottle  on  the 
floor,  in  the  corner  ov  the  room  whare  the  cat  generally 
repozes. 

The  consequents  waz,  sum  ov  the  "  purswader  "  got  onto 
the  hair  ov  the  cat's  tale. 

When  the  cat  aroze  from  her  slumbers  she  caught  sight  ov 
her  tale,  which  had  growed  tew  an  exalted  size  ;  taking  one 


498 


more  look  at  the  tale,  she  started,  and  bi  the  good  olde  Moses! 
sich  running  ;  across  the  yard  !  over  the  fence !  np  wun  side 
ov  an  apple  tree  !  and  down  the  other !  out  into  the  fields, 


away !  away !  The  laste  i  saw  ov  the  cat,  she  waz  pretty 
mutch  a\vl  tale. 

1  wouldn't  hav  took  10  dollars  for  the  cat,  with  her  old 
tale  on  her. 

In  a  fu  daze,  i  shall  find  a  spare  time,  and  then  i  shall  write 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS.  49t 

up,  for  our  paper  sumthing  pyroteknik,  which  wil/  make  the 
hair  grow  on  the  head  ov  a  nuinher  2  niackrel,  to  road  it. 

Dear  Dokter,  tlie  fact  iz,  "sum  men  are  horn  i;r:ite,  sum 
men  git  grate  after  they  are  born,  and  sum  men  hav  grate- 
ness  hove  upon  them." 

Doctor,  you  are  awl  3  ov  these  men,  in  one. 

Yu  are  a  kind  ov  vegitable  trinity,  sassyfrass,  poke-root, 
and  elderberry. 

It  waz  a  happee  thought  in  you,  tew  call  your  "  Sahashun 
Bitters"  a  "  vegatabel  tonicks,"  although,  old  ryeaintoneov 
the  vegatabels,  whiskee  iz  one  ov  the  tonicks. 

The  people  must  hev  tonicks,  and  the  more  vegatabels  you 
kan  git  into  the  gratest  amount  ov  whiskee,  the  more  the  peo- 
pel  will  luv  you. 

Thare  is  nothing  the  Christian  world  long  for  so  mutch,  just 
now,  as  a  vegatabel  bitter. 

Sassyfrass  is  good  for  a  lonesum  stummuk,  pokeroot  is  an 
alteratift',  and  Elderberry  was  known  to  the  anshients,  but 
what !  oh  tell  me  what !  yee  whispring  winds,  what !  are 
all  these  without  whiskee. 

Thank  the  Lord,  that  at  laste,  we  hav  got  a  bitter,  that 
will  tonick  a  man  up. 

Nothing,  sinze  the  good  old  daxe  ov  Jamaka  Rum,  and 
sider  Brandee,  haz  sent  sich  a  thrill  ov  joy  thru  the  wurld,  ax 
"Ilirsute's  Salvasliun  Bitters,"  sold  respektably  hi  awl  drug- 
gists, far  and  near. 

Go  on  Doktur,  manafaktring,  and  selling,  let  the  cod  liver, 
and  patient  truss  men,  howl  out  in  envy,  let  pills  rant,  and 
plasters  rave,  you  hav  got  what  the  wurld  wants,  and  will 
have,  and  that  iz,  an  erb  bitter,  with  a  broad  whiskee  basis. 

P.  S. — Let  me  advize  yu  az  a  friend  ;  if  it  iz  indispensible 
necessary  tew  cheat  a  little,  in  the  manufakter  ov  the  "  Sal- 
vashun  Bittera,"  let  it  by  awl  means  be  in  the  rutee,  dont 
lower  the  basis. 

Yures  quietly, 

JOSH  BILLINGS. 


KARACTER, 


THE    GASSY     MAN. 

i 

The  gassy  man  iz  a  kind  ov  itinerant  soda  fountain,  a  sort, 
ov  hi-preshure  reservoi  ov  roap-s'uK  who  spouts  babies  and 
foam,  whenever  he  opens  hiz  mouth. 

Theze  quacks  in  the  small  beer  line,  hav  but  phew  branes, 
but  their  branes  are  like  yeast,  they  kant  rize  without  run- 
ning over  every  thing. 

I  have  known  them  tew  argy  a  point  3  hours  and  a  half 
-ind  never  offer  one  good  reazon  in  the  whole  time. 

They  mistake  words  for  ideas,  and  their  tongues  travel 


VARIETY.  &(U 

tew  just  about  az  mntch  purpose  az  a  boy's  wind  mill  duz, 
in  the  teeth  ov  a  stiff  nor  wester. 

They  are  the  vainest  ov  all  human  beings  that  hav  yit  bin 
discovered,  and  think,  bekanze  people  kant  eskape  their  furio.s 
effervescence,  they  are  pleazed  and  convinced. 

I  never  knn  one  ov  theze  windmills  yet,  but  what  thought 
Soloman  waz  almost  an  idx>t  kompared  tew  them,  and  I 
never  knu  one  to  ever  diskover  biz  mistake. 

Yu  mite  ax  well  undertake  tew  git  tlie  pride  out  ov  a 
pekocks  tail,  In  latfing  at  it,  az  to  convinse  theze  phellows 
that  what  they  say  aint  either  wit  or  wisdum. 

The  gassy  man  iz  not  bi  enny  means  a  bad  man  at  heart, 
he  iz  often  az  good  natnred  az  he  is  phoolish,  but  biz  friend- 
ship aint  worth  mntch  more  tew  yu  than  the  luv  ov  a  lost 
pnp,  who  iz  reddy  tew  phollow  enny  one  off  who  will  pat 
him  on  the  back. 

THE     SHARP    MAN. 

The  sharp  man  iz  often  mistaken  for  the  wize  one,  but 
he  iz  just  az  difirent  from  a  wize  one  az  he  iz  from  an  hon- 
est one. 

He  trusts  tew  biz  cunning  for  snckcess,  and  this  iz  the 
next  thing  to  being  a  rogue. 

The  sharp  man  iz  like  a  razor — generally  too  sharp  for 
enny  thing  but  a  shave. 

Theze  men  are  not  tew  be  trusted — they  are  so  constituted 
that  they  must  cheat  snmboddy,  and,  rather  than  be  idle  or 
lose  a  good  job,  they  will  pitch  onto  their  best  friends. 

They  are  not  exackly  outkasts,  but  liv  cluss  on  the  bor- 
ders ov  criminality,  and  are  liable  tew  step  over  at  enny 
time. 

It  iz  but  a  step  from  cunning  tew  raskality,  and  it  iz  a 
step  that  iz  alwnss  inviting  to  take. 

Sharp  men  hav  but  phew  friends,  and  seldum  a  konfident. 
They  hav  learnt  tew  fear  treachery  by  studying  their  own 
nature. 

They  are  alwnss  bizzy,  but  like  the  hornet,  want  a  heap  o1 
sharp  watching. 


502  KARACTER. 

The  sharp  man  iz  a.wuss  a  vain  one.  He  prides  himseli 
upon  his  cunning,  and  had  rather  do  a  shrewd  thing  than  a 
kind  one. 

THE     LAZY     MAN. 

Next  tew  the  weak  man  the  lazy  man  iz  the  wust  one  i 
kno  ov,  without  necessarily  being  a  viscious  one. 

He  iz  too  indolent  tew  praktiss  hiz  virtews,  if  he  haz  got 
enny,  and  therefore  iz  koiistantly  open  tew  vice,  which  iz 
half-brother  tew  lazyness. 

It  iz  hard  work  tew  phind  lazyness  and  virtew  inixt,  but 
thare  iz  sitch  a  thing. 

Indolence  iz  one  ov  the  wust  mildews  i  kno  ov — it  iz  the 
grate  leak  that  haz  let  thousands  ov  men  drizzle  away. 

Lazyness  iz  not  positively  ^  crime,  but  they  look  and  akt 
wonderphully  alike. 

Lazyness  iz  not  ornamental  even  tew  an  old  man,  but  tew 
a  yung  one  it  iz  a  shining  disgrase. 

I  hav  seen  lazy  men  that  i  thought  waz  innocent,  but  i 
never  felt  like  warrenting  one  ov  them  for  more  than  90 
daze. 

THE     NERVOUS    MAN. 

One  ov  the  most  unkumfortable  kritters  in  this  world  iz 
the  nervus  man.  He  discounts  all  hiz  griefs,  and  suffers 
more  from  trubbles  that  never  happen,  than  enny  boddy  else 
duz  from  trubbles  that  do  cum. 

Hiz  ears  are  like  a  rabbits,  alwrays  on  end  for  sum  disaster, 
and  hiz  nostrils  are  like  the  asses,  snuffing  misfortune  out  ov 
the  east  wrind. 

He  steps  az  though  he  waz  walking  on  eggs,  and  lays  down 
like  a  kat  in  frunt  ov  a  rat  hole,  reddy  for  a  spring. 

Theze  poor  phellows  suffer  without  simpathy,  and  enjoy 
without  satisfacshun. 

The  nervous  man  iz  a  long  lived  bird,  though  hiz  nerves 
are  alwus  strung,  he  lasts  like  an  old  phiddle. 

A'kho  i  kant  help  but  pitty  the  nervus  man  i  am  aware 


VARIETY.  f>03 

that  lie  haz  moments  ov  plexxure  that  are  equal  tew  whole 
hours,  they  are  so  intensified. 

Whatever  he  duz  enjoy  he  enjoys  the  whole  ov,  pacing 
the  bounds  ov  reality,  lie  revels  in  the  illimitable  fields  ov 
imaginaslmn  and  fancy. 

1  think  I  would  rather  have  more  nerves  than  i  could 
manage  than  not  tew  hav  enny,  and  mope  on  thru  life  ax 
sum  men  do,  with  nothing  about  me  so  exeiteableax  mi  relish 
for  pork  and  beans. 

• 

THK     DK.MFIKD     MAN. 

It  iz  often  the  ka.se  that  the  dignified  man  ix  nothing  more 
than  an  owl  aiming  humans. 

lie  dont  alwus  kno  but  little,  but  when  he  dux  he  hax  i«-w 
be  kareful  ov  that  little  and  look  wixe  even  if  he  dont  prove 
tew  be  so. 

One  good  hoss  laff  would  spile  him  for  life;  if  he  lets  go 
ov  hix  dignity,  hiz  kapital  ix  all  gone  and  he  ix  ruined  for- 
ever. 

The  dignified  man  that  i  am  talking  about,  never  takes 
enny  chances,  he  weighs  every  word  before  it  ix  uttered,  and 
meaxxures  every  ackshun  before  it  iz  expressed,  and  ix  gener- 
ally ax  free  from  blunders,  or  hits,  az  a  tud  !»t<>ol  ix.  If  he 
ever  dux  kik  up  and  frolik  he  ix  like  the  elastik  elephant,  ami 
gay  and  knssid  like  the  hippopotamus  or  wild  sea  hoss. 

Dignity  ix  often  substituted  for  wisdum,  and  iz  quite  often 
mistaken  for  it,  but  thare  ix  az  mutch  diffrence  between  them 
az  thare  iz  between  a  puter  10  cent  piece  and  a  genuine  hall 
dollar. 

I  decided  long  ago  not  tew  giv  enny  man  kredit  for  being 
wize,  just  bekauze  he  wouldn't  bend  Liz  back  or  lati'  when  ho 
had  a  right  tew  be  tickled. 

Sum  ov  the  most  snekce-ssfull  phools  i  hav  ever  met  wero 
a^  grave  ax  a  kut  stone,  and  most  all  the  truly  wixe  thai  i 
hav  had  the  honor  tew  be  introduced  to,  were  alwiiss  a  hunt- 
ing for  a  good  place  tew  roll  on  the  grass. 

Extreme  gravity,  in  mi  lexicon,  stands  for  an  extreme 
phooJ, 


604 


KAiiACTEIl. 


THE     WEAK     MAS. 

A  weak  man  wants  just  about  ax  mutch  watching  az  a 
bad  one,  and  haz  dun  just  about  as  mutcli  damage  in  the 
world. 

He  iz  every  boddy's  friend,  and  tharefore  he  iz  no  ones, 
and  what  he  iz  a  going  tew  do  next  iz  az  unknown  tew  him 
as  tew  others. 

He  haint  got  enny  more  backbone  than  an  angleworm  haz, 
and  wiggles  in  and  wiggles  out  ov  every  thing. 

He  will  talk  to-day  like  a  wize  man,  and  to-morrow  like  a 
phool,  on  the  same  snbjekt. 

He  alwnss  sez  "Yes,"  when  he  should  say  "No,"  and 
staggers  thru  life  like  a  drunken  man. 

Heaven  save  us  from  the  weak  man,  whoze  deseptions  hav 
no  fraud  in  them,  and  whoze  friendships  are  the  wusa 
clesighns  he  kan  hav  on  us, 


JOSH    BILLINGS    HAVING    FINISHED    HIS    BOOK,    MEDITATES   SUICIDE,    BUT    IS    A   LITT1 

UNCERTAIN    AS    TO    THE    MODE. 


...SSSjggSSgu 

- — =22J5*»to  t 


III  I  tollttimm '**""" 
000  741  539     1 


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